Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Fire and the Wood - full transcript

Joan sees a newscaster on TV speak to her as God, but doesn't get to see what message He has when Will turns it off. The next day, God tells Joan that he wants her to take pride in her work and stop shirking. Joining the Advanced-Placement chemistry class that Luke is already in, Joan gets to work with Gothic rebel Grace Polk, and intelligent but distant suspected drug-user Adam Rove. Will attempts to solve an arson case, but has to deal with political opposition. Helen wants Kevin to start moving on in his life by learning to drive a car with hand-controls, but he is angry that he is not expected to pay for the vehicle himself and feels as though others' respect and expectations for him have fallen.

I think I'm old enough to decide how
much make up is too much makeup.

The only way to prove that
to me is by wearing too little.

Yesterday you told me to wear
less, and I wasn't wearing any.

The point is you don't need it.

The point IS you're not a guy my age.

Turn that off will you.

Wait Joan, don't touch that dial.

Please don't freak out.

It's me, the King of Kings the all mighty.

God is doing the news?

I know, you thought you were...

done after the last time we spoke.

You hoped
it was an isolated incident of...

mental breakdown, and that your
life would just return to normal.

Yah, well, I'm talking to the television,
so normal works for me.

I'll keep this short
- Oh my god!

What did you do?

Yeah, it's a crime against
God to turn off the television.

It's after 7 they should be home.

You know, some people believe microwaves
suck all the energy out of food.

Hello, Joan to God!


In fact, microwaves emanate.


Microwaves actually energies
food in the form...

of molecular kinetic vibrations, A.K. A heat.

It was a simple driving test.
What's the big delay?

So if you dry a cat in
the microwave, it'll explode.

what's with you and TVs tonight.


Dad, quit being so nervous.

I wasn't nervous the first time Kevin got his
license, why would I be nervous this time.

Maybe because last time he got his
license, he ended up a paraplegic.

What did you say?

I'm, I'm I'm sorry, were you listening?

Advertise your product or brand here
contact today

We're home!

Do not buy me a car.

Does this mean you passed?
With a perfect score.

King of the Gimp Drivers.

I wanna buy my own car.

Apparently, Kevin wishes
to buy his own car.

Do you have any idea
how much that will to cost.

I will get a job.

He will get a job.

How, he has no transportation.


Thats a chicken and egg paradox.

A lot of jobs require you
to have your own car.

Well, I'm not looking for
a career in pizza delivery.

I'm going to go upstairs and watch TV.

God Mom, you wanted me to get my
license for hand controls. I got it.

Isn't that enough for one day?

Why can't you help?

Help what?
What are we fighting about?

Dinner is served.

Don't you have any friends that
you could walk to school with?

Don't worry, they'll think I'm
cool styling with my big sister.

Oh, wa-wait, your worried that one
of your friends will see us together.

Wait a minute, you
don't have any friends.

And ironically, you're
still cramping my style.

Hold this...

Who's the reject?
- Adam Rove. Huge stoner.

Hey, maybe hell be your friend.

What is he doing?

Looking for lost brain cells, I dunno.

What kind of loser runs just
because the bell rings?

Hey kid.

It's me.

You need proof? Fine.

Sometimes you like to practice
French kissing yourself on the mirror.

Why do you have to be so mean?

Look, that was my Dad who
turned you off last...

night, so if there's some
kind of penalty, then I.


He shall spend all of
eternity burning in hell.

No, No no no, My Dads
a really great man.

I'm kidding.

Theres no penalty for turning me off.

Hey, just because I speak
doesn't mean anyone has to listen.


Yeah, free will is one
of my better innovations.

I give suggestions, not assignments.

I feel a suggestion coming on.

Stop squandering
the potential I gave you.

Stop under-achieving.

Have some pride.


In what, like School?

Schools a start.
Stand back.

What happened to humility?

Humility isn't actually humility unless you
are good enough at something to be humble.

Somebody gets burned
to a crisp, that's murder.

Only if it's arson, and it ant
arson till I say it's arson.

Is it arson?
- That's what I'm investigating.

And until I decide you
have no jurisdiction here.

Nozzle heads have no
respect for a crime scene.

Nozzle heads?

Girl Scouts solve more
murders then you people do.

That may have been true
in the past, not any more.

So you want to rethink your tone?

Come on now, lets get fraternal.
- Chief Wyatt?

Don't get all stiff and efficient just
because the kids are fighting.

We're having crime scene issues.

Roy, what you're going to do
is you are going to inform.

Detective Daghilan.

As soon as you ascertain
whether or not its arson.

Daghilan, what is that?
Is that Armenian?

You know, you don't see
a lot of Armenian cops.

Are we straight on this Roebuck?

I've been an arson
investigator for 8 years.

I'm guaranteeing Chief Girardi
personally, don't prove me a liar.

Thank you Chief Wyatt.

Call me Tom, or Tommy.

Will. Not Willy. Ever.

Never mind Roy, he's
sensitive about hierarchy.

Maybe he feels inferior to cops.

But you don't
- Oh hell no.

Cops are heroes what,
maybe 10 percent of the time.

Everyone body loves a fire fighter.

Listen Will, I want to invite you and
your wife to my place Thursday.

Cocktails, maybe a few
people you'd enjoy meeting.

Thanks, Tommy, we'd be delighted.

All right, Thursday.

I'll send the details to your office.

A few weeks ago he wouldn't
return my phone calls.

Ah, I got a theory.

My bet is he asks you
to become a Centurion.

Great, when do we attack Carthage?

It's like the Kiwanis Club.
They build parks and old folks homes.

What does that have
to do with Chief Wyatt?

Well, he's a Centurion.
All the mucky-mucks are.

It's political.

About time they ask you,
you being Chief of Police.

Well, if charity work and riding on little...

motorcycles in parades gets
things done, sign me up.

Keeping the guys on homicide.

What is the reason for your tardiness?

Take a guess, has still in his Jammies.

I slept in and missed the bus.

Every day Grace?

You are supposed to ask
the reason for my tardiness.

You are late for school every day,
and late for every single class.

The vice-principal thinks you're doing
it on purpose to flaunt his authority.

Mrs. Girardi, you gotta ask me.

If you don't make at least one
class on time this week, He will...

suspend you, and if it happens
again after that he will expel you.

Come on, ask me.

What is the reason for your tardiness?

The reason for my
tardiness is I am late.

Why are you waiting to
see the vice principal?

Mrs. Girardi, heres the deal.

At school you and I
don't know each other ok.

First thing every morning
you report to me, understand?


I may not be able to stop you from
getting high away from school,

but you are mine between 8 in the
morning and 5 in the afternoon.

Ok, Mr. Price.

If I even suspect that you are under
the influence of drugs what will happen?

You'll urine test me.
- For your own good.

And call the cops.
- UhHuh.

Ruin my life.
- All for your own good.

AH, Miss Girardi.
Walk with me please.

So, Advanced Placement?

I can't hear if you nod Miss Girardi,
you are going to have to speak up.

There is nothing in your record
to suggest academic achievement.

I know.

Ah, Why take advance placement?

I need a reason?

Premise, argument, conclusion.

The correctness of reasoning.

The validity of inference.

I don't know what youre saying.
- Yes, you need a reason.

Well, it's personal.

Oh please, nothing about adolescent
romance, we are discussing academics.

I see you Mr. Denburg, my office, 3:15.

Do you believe in God?

That would only be pertinent if God
told you to take Advanced Placement.

He might have, he isn't always clear.

Miss Girardi, Messages from God
suggests psychosis, psychosis is a...

matter for the school psychiatrist,
and massive does of thiamine.

So, for the record, did God ask
you to take advance placement?

Mr. Price, I want to do better.

I have one vacancy in AP Chem.

Take it or leave it.

How's the chief of police?

Slightly apprehensive when the District
Attorney pays a personal visit.

I dropped by earlier, but apparently
you were out sifting through ambers.

Small juridical dispute.

You are a much more hands on kind
of guy then our last chief of police.

I take it you don't approve.

Well there is some concern when a police
chief immerses himself in triviality...

larger questions such as budget,
staffing, inter-agency relations..

When I got here this
department had the worst...

conviction rate of any city
of its size in the nation.

No ones suggesting you haven't
really turned things around.

Plus, I don't answer to the district
attorney, I answer to the mayor.

Who do you think sent me?

You're late.

See me after school Miss Polk.

Class, this is Joan Girardi, who
will be joining us in AP Chemistry.

Joan, take a seat with that group.

How about for kicks, everyone tells
something good they did today.

Mom, If you want to know
if I looked for work, just ask.

- Ok.

I did not pull out my gun and shoot an
arson investigator or the district attorney.

Good for you.


I didn't laugh when Joan was
introduced in my AP Chem. class.

Luke took mine.

I'm now taking chemistry with
the clam heads, move on.

Kevin, your turn.

Have you given any more thought
to getting your own transportation?

I've already got my own wheels.

Good you're awake.

Half awake anyway.

The other half is still sound asleep.

Wake up you lazy bastards,
It's morning.

Please don't make those jokes.


Because if somebody else made those jokes
about you I would scratch their eyes out.

What's that?

I Googled used cars with hand
controls, in case you're interested.

thanks mom!

are subject to three...

laws of chemical combinations.

The law
of constant composition,

the law of multiple proportions,

the law
of reciprocal proportions.

So, the chemical concepts here include
single replacement, exothermal reaction.

Entropy and Luke
- Entropy.

Go Luke.

Iron oxide is reduced to metallic
oxide by a temperature reaching...

Need a calculator?
- No Aprox.

3000 degrees centigrade.

Oh Home test tonight,
list the chemical equation,

which take
place in a typical wood fire..

Full group participation.

Due before
the bell, no exceptions.

Mr. Robuck.

Lt. Roebuck.

Hey Lt., I'm a chief.

Not my chief.

If you are withholding evidence, this chief
will arrest you for obstruction of justice.

I'm not withholding, I'm taking the time
I need to do a thorough investigation.

Your guys should try it sometime.

Lt. Roebuck, every moment you
take the trail gets colder.

The arsonist gets closer
to getting away with murder.

Any body ask you questions
about who might...

benefit from this building being burned down.

Hey Lt. Well do our job, you do yours.

It's at least a reason
a person could expect.

When did you start smoking?

Don't knock it, it's
the only exercise I get.

Besides, it makes me look cool.

Yeah, chicks really dig a perv smoking
and staring at the kids in the yard.

Stamp that out will ya,
I'm not a good stamper.

Mom thinks your out looking for a job.

FYI, that's pitiful.

Yeah well, these days
Pityville is my hometown.

Kev, why don't you just let
the parental units buy you a car?

Oh, I suppose you'd
let them by you a car?

Duh, any normal person would.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it that way.
- I remember normal.

Back when I was normal
I wanted them to buy me a car.

You know what they said?

They said no.
They said 'Be a man'.

Get a job, buy your own car.

So, what's changed since then?


Joan, what's changed?
- You know what's changed.

Yep, no body expects me
to be a man anymore.

You stopped trying!

You just sit around and smoke in the
park like some defective.

Why are you crying?

I got in a fight with my brother.

Because he doesn't try hard enough?

You heard that yeah?

I hear everything Joan.

Let Kevin walk, Please.

I'll just ask this one favor and
then I'll never ask for one again.

It's so easy for you.

All you have to do is snap you
fingers or blink your eyes.

Just let Kevin stand up and walk.

People ask me to do things.

Big things, Little things.

Billions of times every day.

What do you expect?

You're God.

I put a lot of thought into the universe.

Came up with the rules.

It sets a bad example if I break them.

Not to mention, It shows favoritism.

Why should one person get a miracle?

and not every body else?

Can you imagine the confusion?

It's better when we all abide by the rules.

No miracle.

Miracles happen within the rules.

That's why I came to you.

To perform miracles?

You're an instrument of God, bound
by the limit of time and space.


Can I have my ball?

You'd like to give me
a slap, wouldn't you?

Yeah, but you're so cute.

By the way, as an instrument
of me, have some pride.

Do better, do your best.

Now, I'd like to slap you.

What should we do first?
- Ask your brother for the answers.

To be humble you have to be proud.

Wait, aren't those opposites?

Ah, ask him ask him.

No, No lets just break it down ok.
Is there a chemical formula for twigs?

Uh. Cellulose is c6h12o6.

Uh, I have an eidetic memory.

what's that?
- Photographic.

He can barely remember his name.

Listen, I know a lot,
I just can't put it all together.

Ok, what about
a chemical equation for fire?

Wood doesn't actually burn.

Thats insane.

What burns is the gas released
when the wood gets hot.

Therefore the reaction would
have to be gasification,

through oxidation
reduction, then combustion.

It is so hot you know that.

Dude, are you smart?

Just because I refute the
whole formal schooling...

equals knowledge crap
doesn't mean I'm stupid.

- Ok, so what about gas.

Shah, like I know.

And Rain man's back to underpants.

You tell me the formula and
I'll tell you the substance.

Or, you tell me the substance
and I'll tell you the formula.

Well, work it backwards.

Ok. Charcoal, plus the mystery gas
equals wood plus oxygen and heat.

c50h10o plus 10ch2o,
that's formaldehyde.

Equals oxygenized
and reduced c6h12o6.

What does that mean?

It means were done.. Good night.

Did we get it right?

It's like watching three
monkeys build a particle...

accelerator using tinfoil and a BiBi Gun.

We just past an extremely
rude boy outside.

No, that wasn't a boy.
That was Grace Polk.

Sorry, Grace is sort of a.

Oh and look its Adam Rove,
right in my kitchen.

Hi Ms. Girardi.

Headline, Adam Rove
meets the chief of police.

I'll see you upstairs.

Mom, Adam says he knows
where to get Kevin a car.

You do? / Yeah, My dad says
there's one in impound.

Wait, is your dad a police officer?

Shah, No.
No way, Night janitor.


Well, nice work Jane.

He calls me Jane some times when
he forgets that my name is Joan.

These are Joans new friends?

A person of mysterious
gender and space boy?

There is a car with hand
controls in impound.

There is?

How can you not know that?
You're chief of Police.

Impound yard
Chief of police.

How did you know that?

Space boy.

His fathers your night janitor.
I want you to look into it.

That would be inappropriate.


I'm chief of police, I can't go skulking...

around the impound yard
looking for bargains.

You know what, how much
did you have to drink tonight?

Exactly the right amount.

Aren't you curious why Joan is
suddenly doing honors chemistry?


What the hell do you want?

I did my job.

I'll be one amazed son
of a bitch if you do yours.

Have you seen Adam?

Called in Sick.

Price is all bent cause he
wants some of Adams pee.

He left his bag at my house.

Then stay away from me.


Because that back pack is
probably full of booya schwag.

I am not hanging on to
this till tomorrow for him.

It's full of drugs.

My dads the chief of police.

Grace, you have to turn in our project.

I don't hand things in, and
I never hand them in on time.

It's my policy.

If you hand it in late
Ms. Lischak won't accept it.

And then she's gonna flunk me
and Adam as well as yourself.

Again, thinking only of yourself.

Stop squandering your potential.

Stop underachieving.
Have some Pride.

The arsonist used an explosive devise
containing a magnesium accelerant.

Alright, well were looking for a pro.

Magnesium is the type that
outdoorsy types get from...

outdoorsy stores to start
fires in outdoorsy places.

See the list of people who
recently purchased the stuff?

Oh, Tom Wyatts on this list.

I don't see him being an outdoorsmen.

Shareholders in a company called
Badger Hill Development, Inc.

Which owns most of the land
around the arson location.

Wyatt again.

Did he really think we wouldnt get here?

Maybe he didn't care.

I was at a do last night.

It seams to me that most of the people who
make up badger hill development were there.

These are the people that run things.

I mean, way higher then
I am on the food chain.

We arrest people, were
the top of the food chain.

Sir, I'll, I'll,
I'll do what ever you want, but,

Only if I specifically order you to so.

Maybe you want it in writing.
Fully cover your ass.

It's the real world chief.

I gotta live too.

You looking for me?

Uh, not sure.

Sometimes, when you're alone, that
hideous titanic song makes you cry.

Why do you have to be so mean?

Why do you have to
keep questioning me?

Most people would be
on their best behavior.

Ok, look whatever.

I was thinking about what you said
when I asked you to cure Kevin.

How it would show favoritism and
that I'm an instrument of God.

Then I realized, you want me to become a
scientist, so I can discover a cure for Kevin.

Newsflash Joan, you don't need to let me in
on your thinking process, I'm omniscient.

Ok, well, I'm not omniscient, so
I have to ask if I'm doing what you want.

Simple, I want you to
fulfill your true nature.



No, I, I was taking your name in vain.

To be technical. Sorry.

Look, you won't always know
why I ask you to do things.

You won't always see the effects.

Just think about what
you learned in AP Chemistry.

I didn't learn anything.
I got the others to do it.

The smallest catalyst can set
of mind-boggling chain reactions.

One time, I said Let There Be Light...

all hell broke loose.
Figuratively speaking.

So, my true nature is to be a catalyst?

That is mad anti-climatic.

Anti climax tic.

Anti climatic means you're
against the weather.

You gotta a kidding.

I know lt like some look like much.

But It's looks like dump.

You might is looked take a back.


I don't want it.

Why can't you just let
me do things my way?

Because, If I leave it to you,
nothing will happen.

You will just rot in that
chair to spite us all.

Thank you.

Do you remember when you first
came home after the accident?

Yes mom.

I remember who washed me
and wiped my ass, and...

fed me Don't worry, I
haven't forgot any of that.

Kevin, that is just mother stuff.

You don't owe me anything for that.

Not even Thanks.

What I'm talking about is
the day you came home,

you asked me if you would
ever feel normal again.

What did I say?

You said yes.

You promised.

and I intend to keep that promise.

No mater how hard you fight
me, because no body can...

stop me from keeping a
promise to someone I love.

Not even the person I love.

Now here's this ugly vehicle and the
least you can do is take it for a drive.

Will you do that?

- Thank you.

You want to come with me?

Excuse me?
Is this Adam Roves house?

Will be when I die.
Until then we share it.

Hey watch the --
I don't know what that is.

Maybe an enemy?

Im Joan Girardi, Adams
friend from school.

My sons going out with
the police chiefs daughter?

No, No no no.

I was just bringing his knapsack.

That's too bad.

Would have been great for my career.

Mr. Row, did you make all these?
There really beautiful.

No, this is Adams stuff.

It's either crap or genius.

I'm going with genius,
but yet I'm his dad.

Adam did all this?

Has in the back.


Jane, Uh, Oh, um come on in.

I uh, brought your bag.

You left it at my house.

Uh, that, that's really beautiful.

Ah, fo shisle ma nizzle.

What is it?

Ah I don't know.

Oh thanks.

Thanks for bringing me
all these things.

I really needed them to finish this thing.

Well, to tell you the truth,
I was actually kinda paranoid.


I wasn't sure what was in it.

I thought it might be,
you know booya schwag.

Whats booya schwag?


I don't do that.

Ok, sure.

I don't.

Well, when I saw you in
Mr. Prices office, he...

was giving you that speech
on drugs and urine.

You didn't exactly argue with him.


That guy just keeps digging and
digging away at you until...

he finds your own little
mystery to use it against you.

Far as I'm concerned, if
he keeps digging at my...

drug problem, he won't
find out my little secret.

What is it?

Shah, look around you.

I talk to angels.

Jane, it's a metaphor.

But, what if you actually
could talk to angels?

I'd keep my mouth shut.

Oh, yeah, cause Mr. Price
would have you put away.


Two Double Doubles,
one is Animal Style.

Animal Style, thats the way I like it too.

I don't even know what It means,
I just like the way it sounds.

Two fries one double size, one regular.

Thats 6.88.

I'm giving you a 10 percent
discount because you're cute.

Ah, the cute discount.

I bet you get that a lot.

Yeah, but I only extend
it to the super cute.


Sitting right here.
I'm his mother.

Hi, Come back soon, ask for Barbie.

Well. If you're Barbie, I'll do that.

You're funny.

I'm starting to like the vehicle.

This is why people hate mimes.

People don't really hate mimes.
They just say that they do.

It's the opposite of opera.

Isn't there a law that says
you can't talk to people?

Hey, Joan, I remain silent,
I get criticize for that too.


God, I'm not getting it.

I joined AP Chem, so what?

I have to do what you want.
Obviously you're God.

I just don't get it.

AP Chem brings Adam Rove
into your home, where...

he tells your mother about
a car in the impound.

Now your brother has a car. Get it?

I got Kevin his car?

Me working through you
working through Adam.

working through your mother,
working through your--.

Can you stop all this?
It's very distracting.


What Kevin does with that
car depends upon his...

own free will, which is another reality strand.

Back on this strand your
father meets Adam,

which compels him to exchange
pleasantries with Adam's father,

who passes on his inflated
impressions of your...

father to his counterpart
at the fire department,

who happens to be the brother-in-law
of an Arson Investigator,

who risks his job to pass information to your
father so that he can arrest an arsonist.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, I caught an arsonist?

That's just on the Adam Rove reality strand.

How far does this go?

All the way, baby.

Always for the better?

Better is how it works with me.

An infinite good in an infinite universe.

Trust in me, Joan.
That's all I ask.

Fire Chief Wyatt.

Hey Will.


So, What's up?

Where's the file?

I appreciate you coming in.

It's um, better this way.

What's better?

You're going to need a lawyer.

Detective Daghlian has
some questions to ask...

you regarding the homicide of John Brawly.

Who the Hell is John Brawly?

The man who died in the fire you set.

Chief Girardi.

It's alright Jeanne.
Oh, word gets around fast.

Thank God you're here.

You just might want to shut
the hell up Tom and stay that way.

Would you come with me Chief Wyatt?

Chief Girard has ordered me to place
you under arrest if you refuse.

What have you got?

It's all in the warrant package.

Sum it up for me.

Well, We can tie him to
the device and the accelerant?

We can place him at the scene,
and we have a motive.

What motive?

Financial gain.

Badger Hill Developments.

He's a shareholder.

And I believe, so are you.

Are you suggesting
I had anything to do.

Badger Hill has been after this
piece of land for four years.

What are you going to put there?

A mall, office building?

Back down chief.

I'm a public servant.

If I, or any other public servant, own shares
in Badger Hill, it's through a blind trust.

Sure, it's all at arms length.

You say you have Wyatt
on physical evidence?


Then there is no need to include Badger
hill in the official evidence package.

except that it is evidence.

It's irrelevant.

Get the conviction without it.

It's Un-necessarily inflammatory.

My people provide your
people with evidence.

How you use it is up to you.

We can't suppress anything
in the official police report.

How would it look?
- How things looks is not my concern.

You've been misinformed. Your job
is as political as mine or the mayors.

Well, I dont see it that way.

Have you considered why you were
hired as police chief, Girardi?

You, an outsider.

One who's never held a top position?

It's because you have a
reputation as a prismatic man...

who understands the importance
of playing hardball.

Apparently, We were both misinformed.

He makes stuff out of
stuff people throw away?

Yeah, and get this.
He's not a stoner.

Get outta here!

Honest to God.
Just don't tell Mr. Price.

Why would he want Mr. Price
to think he's a drug abuser?


Can this be on of those things we just agree
on without having to go deeply into it?

Uh, Mom, I'm eating out.

Do you want to come Geek?

Uh, Yeah, that'd be um.

Can I?
- Fine.

Hi. / Hi Dad.
- Seeya Dad.

Where are they going?

Out to eat. Together.

In Kevins new car that
I got from impound.


Hi Sweetie-Pie.
What the hell is that?

Its beautiful ok.

If youre not too angry
about Kevins car, do you...

think we could invite the
Wyatts over on the weekend?

I really like them. What?

Theres something I have to tell you.

I know there really the first couple
we've really clicked with.


I arrested Tommy this afternoon.

You arrested the Fire Chief?

For what?


What's funny?

Why is that funny?

You know why their fries are so crisp?

They use this kind of oil that boils
a higher temperature then most.

You again.

I can't resist your tasty treats.

Be cheaper if you just asked me out.


You don't strike me as a cheep date.

You like movies? Or music?
We could go to a concert some time?

Uh, I'm not really available.

Oh, I'll go get your order.

Why didn't you just tell her?

I mean, She likes you.
She probably wouldn't even care.

You gotta shut up now ok.

Well just wait for the food, and
when she gives it to us well leave.

That's whats gonna happen.