Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 1, Episode 15 - Night without Stars - full transcript

Kevin seems back to his old self, participating in the wheelchair basketball games and picking on Luke, but Luke is fed up with the whole jock vs. nerd scenario and they have a fight. Meanwhile, things are heating up between Kevin and Rebecca. God ruins Joan's plan to go to a concert with Adam when she is tasked with doing art therapy with kids on the same night. He takes Iris instead, which makes Joan jealous. Will is put on psych leave after pulling his gun on a child during an investigation.

All right. Come on, Kev. Go, go. That's it. Pass it around. Pass it around that's it.

All right. Pass it, pass it. That's it. Watch out, watch out. Take the shot. Go ahead, take the shot. Take it, buddy. Yeah!

Hey! Hey, hey! No parental high-Fiving.

Yeah! Hey, what do you think of your brother?

Are you messing my hair?

They're regressing. Sports do that to people.

Come on, come on, come on! Come on, come on! Yeah!

Hey, you know, I might need this ear later.

You're at a game, dude. Chill.

Look, there's cheering, and then there's moronic screaming for no apparent reason.

Do we have to take this outside?

I need a hot dog.

Is that like guy menopause?

I got to go.

Well, it's not even halftime yet.

Unless any of you can explain how constitutional isomerism differs from stereoisomerism, I have to hit the books.

What, Luke, the physics of basketball doesn't interest you?

The only interesting thing about the physics of basketball is how time and space combine to create a phenomenon known as Luke's departure.

Ok. Ha ha. What's with the collective male wig-out?

I don't know. Kevin seems fine.

I have to get something to drink.

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Tick-Tock, baby. Burning daylight here.

What daylight?

It's a--


You want orange, don't you, Joan?

While I have you here, what's up with my dad?


Oh, you're charging now?

I want you to work with children.

You didn't answer my question.

I don't answer questions, sweet pea. And this you know.

But I gave you a dollar.

That was for the soda.

Work with children? Like, what, in a sweatshop?

Volunteer charity work. It looks good on the resume.
Illegal defence!


Illegal defence. Ref didn't call it. Go on now. You missing the game.

Hey, can I get a sip?

Have you been smoking?

Course not.

Good morning.

Uh, no. Just no.

Uhh. I can't be your school's art teacher. I don't remember the name of a single pre-raphaelite, I never got miro, and I like ingres,

which is so unsophisticated, and I don't know anything about the metallurgical backlash.

How do you think I feel?

Thanks for listening.

Hey, you're lucky I'm such a nice person. I could totally throw down on this, but I'm just letting it happen.

I don't know why, but somehow that's comforting.

Come on. What is with this thing? Ah! How'd you do that?

You have a superstar mother. She can do anything, and she's gonna be brilliant today.

Ew! Come on! Come on, I'm trying to eat here, ok?
I thought we established the kitchen as a no P.D.A. Zone.

There he is.

I scored 8 points, dad.

You were amazing.

Mom's gonna blow.

It's just stress and a little of seeing you have so much fun.

Mom's crying.

Ok, I'm done.

Ok, I'm late.

So, how about your big brother last night, huh?


How do you know, geek? You left after 2 minutes.

Yes, to participate in that rarest of high-school rituals,

the pursuit of knowledge.
You might want to try it sometime.

Hey, what's with attacking the bystander?

I want you to stay next time, brain boy!

Yeah, I really missed the pummeling, Kev. I'm glad it's back.

- Luke.
- Hey.

I didn't hit him hard.

Ha! We're a freak show. Bye.

Ha ha! That's old.

You love it. Knock 'em dead today, mom.

Thank you.



He overslept again.

Maybe our genius is morphing into a teenager.

Not another one.

I wanted to stop at 2.

I called, like, 4,000 times, yo.


And my fingers were bleeding from dialing, so...

Adam, did you get the tickets or not?

Thursday night. Cha-ching. Look.

- Aah! Rove!
- White stripes, Hogan county forum.

You rock!

Go ahead. Hand over to the corporate conglomerate. Buy t-shirts, too.

Ohh, do you even listen to music?

Nothing legal. Only a corrupt oligarchical system would make you pay for art.

Whatever. Jack white is hot.

- So is his sister.
- Girlfriend.

It's unresolved.

Going catatonic here.

Well, that's subtle.

- Hi.
- Hello.

That's a cool pin, yo.

It's, um, 4 hangers crushed and soldered together.

Did you do it?


Right. Neat-O. Hi, I'm Joan.


Iris, well, I'm here to work with kids.

Oh, great. Just fill this out.


Are you in fifth period art?


I never noticed.

I know.

So, uh... I have a date with Rebecca. It's an actual date.

Yes, I've heard of the concept.

So no more chickening out. I'm on the tarmac. Tower's giving me the thumbs up. So I need to know the...the details of...

ok, why are we whispering, and why are we speaking in code?

Ha ha ha. I think you know why.

Oh, so you want the gimp eye for the straight guy?

What--what's it like?

It's sort of like the guy who loses his vision

and his other senses improve. You'll be aware of sensations you never paid much attention to before.


You have 19,000 sensory cells per square inch.

If you like her, it can still be great.

But it's more about her and taking pleasure in her pleasure.

Just give a wave to the tower, get your wheels up, and enjoy the ride.

Dynamic art is not about colour, style, form, um, or even medium.

It's about one thing: Emotional honesty.

That's 2 things.


So my approach is not to critique art or denigrate art. I'm here to encourage it.

Every form of expression is fair game. The rougher, the better.

So it's ok to suck as long as we mean it?

Yeah, something like that.

So, um, let's start with Hannah's piece. Let's go around the room and say something positive. Let's start here.

It's bold.

That is a happening tree, Emily. Does it talk?

It's not a tree. It's my mommy.

Well, your mommy's leaves are very beautiful.

Thank you.

Hey, Iris.

Hi. Everybody, this is Joan.

Hi, Joan.

Hi. Heh heh. So, what do we do with these kids?

Art therapy. Their mothers are domestic violence victims. Drawing helps defuse the trauma.

We work with them while their parents are in group therapy.


Cool? Here's a schedule. I wrote you in.

Thursday? Casey, no throwing paint at Lilah.

Stick to the schedule, Joan.

But I really want to go to the concert. Adam will kill me if I cancel.

He won't kill you.

Please don't make me cancel on Adam.

I can't stand him hating me again. It would be like being in some Russian goulash.


I don't make you do things. I'm getting bored with saying that.

Go to the concert if you want. By the way, they aren't brother and sister.

They were a couple, but they broke up. Have fun.

You know I'm not going, you jerk.

Item next. Gabe fellowes, in an unabashed attempt to jump on the right side of the allied forces, is fast-tracking the crack house.

The one will shut down?

And he refused to prosecute.

And the D.E.A. Cried like a bunch of girls.

Guys, I like the victory party, too.

We don't get a moment?

Point is the big fish are on the docket next week.

I guess I slept through the grand jury.

Fast track, will. I want you back out there, making sure you didn't miss any trinkets.

You're sending me out to pull up the floorboards?

You don't have uniforms for that?

This is your opera. I thought you'd want to oversee the details.

Well, that's where they say god is.

Will? What's the problem?

In this whole fall of Saigon scenario, we're not only giving Fellowes what he wants, we're giving it to him on his schedule. Is that what you're telling me?

I thought you wanted to put some drug dealers away. If there's another agenda, please advise.

I work for you.

And as the liquid heats, the molecules vibrate, furiously pounding into each other until suddenly they can't stand it anymore and what?

What? What do they do? Lukey G.

I'm sorry, what?

keep up. Keep up. Overheated molecules wham-bam slam-dancing. What coils? What bonds? What's erupting, L.G.?

I don't know.

The smarter they are, the harder they fall.

Dude, chemistry for the lobotomized.


The bonds between the h20 molecules are overcome. They fly apart. Steam rises.

It's risin'. It's risin', it's, it's, it's risin'

so, Adam, you know how I signed up to volunteer to watch those kids?


Exactly. Totally unchallenged.

How will understanding boiling points improve our lives?

I'm so sorry. I have to work Thursday night.

Will it help us boil things faster?

I bought the tickets 'cause you wanted to go.

I know, and I totally appreciate that. I just can't get out of it.

Will it make us appreciate the virtues of boiled food?

It's fine. I'll find someone else.

I'm so sorry.

Or is it just a useless academic exercise in the pursuit of a useless high-school degree?

Grace. Shut up already, ok?

Miss Girardi, perhaps you would like to explain what happens to a water molecule after it transforms into steam.

First you have to rise.

Now erupt with illuminating data.

Luke Girardi choking in chem. class. It was like seeing Einstein forget the speed of light.


- Luke, I'm sorry. It was my fault. I distracted you.
- No, you didn't.

Yes, I coughed right before Lischak asked the question.


Involuntarily, of course. But I'm still responsible. I should have anticipated it! There was a tickle. I--I felt the tickle, and everyone knows that when you feel the tickle--

Glynis, you didn't distract me! I didn't hear your stupid cough. So just leave me alone, all right?


Stepping on the bunny, Girardi.


Shut up, Friedman.

Dude. Dude!

What's up with your brother?

I don't know. I think all that brainpower is finally blowing a fuse. Hey, mom.

Can't talk, honey. Late. Bye!

Ha ha. Maybe the maternal unit teaching has its advantages.

Iris, hi.

What do you want?

What do you think?

Hi, Joan.

Hi. Iris, this is Grace. Grace has been Adam's best friend since preschool. You've probably seen him in his tightie whities, haven't you?

Walk me to history, a la splendor in the grass.

What is up with rove and cousin it?

You don't like her?

Look, there's a few of us. We talk to one another. I don't wanna have to talk to anyone else.

What am I supposed to do?

Kill it, Girardi!

Ohh... this is a whole new dimension of disgusting.

Rats won't even come in here.

The rats probably came for the crack.

What do you think this was?


So we're making guacamole. We're cooking up some rock.

I never get invited to those parties.

So, you and roebuck... it's gonna be ok?

It's, uh, a time of transition. Don't worry about it.

'Cause he's on your side, Will.

Yeah. I know he's on my side.

We all are.

You didn't take any time off, did you?

I went to a spa.

For a weekend.

Guys get 2 weeks just for pulling their weapons, I mean, after what you went through--

You think I'm a uniform? Is that what you think? Just leave it.

Hold your fire, Will. Will, put your weapon down!

You've had a lot dumped on you lately, will. Being taken hostage, your kid's accident--

no. Don't go there. Don't bring my family into this.

It all goes into how you act in the street, and I can't have you jeopardizing people's lives because of issues you're not dealing with.

Jump in any time, partner.

I think it would be a good idea, too.

Nice. Let's all pile on Girardi.

You've been stressed lately. That's a fact.

You pulled your weapon on a 4-year-old holding a doll. That is a fact.

I apologized to the family. There was a loud noise. It was a natural reaction.

We're trying to help you here, Will. Post-traumatic stress syndrome--

I've been a cop for 28 years.

I never used my gun unless it was called for, never hurt anybody unless it was called for. I would never have hurt that little girl!

Can't take that risk. You're going into counselling, Will, and that's an order.

I gave you this job, if you remember.

And I'm doing it.

I'm not gonna have my record screwed up because you wanna brand me some mental case.

That's not what we're saying, Will.

You can suspend me with pay pending an investigation. That way at least I can keep a shred of dignity.



Uh, Adam invited me to the white stripes concert tomorrow.

Really? Great. So... really.

Yeah. I just wanted to make sure it's cool with you if we go.

Yeah. Why would I care?

I sort of sensed this weird "item" vibe between you two.

Yeah? No. No, no. We're--we're just friends.


Yeah, totally. So, are you-- do you, like, like him, or...

enough to go see some band I'm not into.

Wow. Well, have fun at the concert with Adam. I have to go, uh, study for stuff.

I was thinking about having the class copy a painting by uccello so they could learn about perspective and the Italian renaissance, but then I was thinking...

maybe they should just free themselves of form, and just open their paints and throw them against the canvas like pollock.

You mean like kindergarten.

I might be back late, so don't worry about me.

You look nice, honey. Doesn't he look nice, Luke?

Am I really required to participate in this discussion?

I think the whole dating ritual is beyond him. There's not enough science behind it.

Actually, there's a lot of science behind it, uh, most of it-- no, all of it-- I mean, beyond your grasp, of course.

Luke, was that necessary?

Sorry if I offended Mr. Hefner.

If you ever want any practical advice about the opposite--

no, I don't need your advice, ok? I have an extremely satisfying relationship with someone, both intellectually as well as physically--


Is this with somebody you don't have to inflate?

Forget it.

Who are you physically involved with and how physical?

I'm late. I have to be at Friedman's to study.

Mom, chill. It's Luke.

Does Luke have a girlfriend?

Yeah. Glynis. Everyone's hooked up except for me.

Are they... have they...

ugh! Where's deaf and invisible when you need it? I'm not talking, mom, about anything. Ok?


It's just that... I like Adam.

I know, honey.

Mom, please! I know you think I'm dating him, but I'm not.

I mean, we kissed once, and please dont ever repeat that to me or anyone else because I'm already grossed out I told you, but it was just a kiss, you know? Just A... one-time kiss.


That doesn't mean we're dating, does it?


Right. I know. Of course not. It's just I think Adam kind of thought that it did, and he was kind of, you know, about it,

and--and I--I was sort of... you know, too,


And now he likes someone else! This Iris.

And I don't know what he sees in her.

I mean, she's all, you know. I want him to be happy. I'm not one of those people who gets all perky when someone else is miserable,

or maybe I am, but-- but I do think Adam should be happy, just not before I'm happy.

I mean, he can be happy with someone else after I'm happy with someone else. Does that make me a total maggot?

Whatever. The real question is, should I try to get him back? I mean, what if he falls in love with her and then I realize that I really do like him, and it's too late?

But if I break them up and get him back and then realize that I really don't wanna be with him, then he's gonna hate me again, which I could not stand because I really like him. Ohh.

There's just no good answer here.

Honey, you are dealing with a lot of emotions--

mom, I can't have this conversation now, ok?

I like a man who can parallel park.

Well, I like a woman who appreciates a good parallel parking job.

Thanks again for dinner.

You're very welcome again. Man, is this conversation lame.

Oh, my god.

I'm on the second floor.

Ohh! I can't believe this!

It's ok.

You're in good shape.

You can't make fun of my Pilates classes anymore.

Its so late. I was worried. I called your cell.

Sorry. I was, uh, walking, lost track of time.

Mmm. Have you been smoking?

Yeah, I, uh, had a couple of cigarettes.

I'm an adult, Helen. I can have a couple of cigarettes if I want.

What is it, Will?

I hate being a cop, that's what it is.

I've wasted my whole damn life at a job where I'm despised and shot at, just so I can sit at the kitchen table with a pile of bills that we don't know how the hell we're gonna pay.

I don't know what happened today, but you know that isn't true.

So now you know how I feel? Now you know what's inside of me?

Hey, I'm not the enemy here.

But if you don't wanna tell me what's going on...

I turned in my badge and gun.


They wanted me to go into counselling for pulling my gun at some little kid, get labelled a nut job.


What I did... it was a reasonable reaction in the circumstances.

I wouldn't have fired. I didn't fire!

Wait. When did this happen? Why didn't you mention it?

A couple of days ago. Why should I have mentioned it?

Because this is something you would tell me, and if you didn't--

what? You sound like them now.

You think there's something wrong with me, too, Helen?

Well, you sure aren't acting very reasonably right now. And if--if this is what they see at work--

Why the hell did I even bother to come back here tonight?

It's obviously too much to expect a little support from my wife.

What a hateful thing to say.

You've got your little art class now, you don't have time for a husband.

Hey, I don't know what you think my job as a wife is, but it's sure as hell not to agree with you just to make your life a little easier. Not if you have a problem we have to deal with.

My only problem now is you, and this damn family that's suffocating me!

Hey, Jane.

Hey. How's it going?


How could you ask iris to the concert without even telling me?

The only 2 people I know in this stupid school are you and Grace.

- You don't want to go with me--
- I can't go.

And Grace has political issues with white stripes. What, you want me to go alone?

No! It's just-- why don't you ask Friedman? Or Luke?

So you don't want me to go on a date... unless it's with you, but if I ask you out on a date-- a real date-- you wouldn't go.

That is absolutely untrue.

Which part?

Of course I want you to go on dates. I mean, why-- why wouldn't I?

I don't know.

It's just, this Iris, we don't know anything about her.

She lives alone with her mom, she's an amazing painter, and she likes these, uh,

weird French movies that were made, like, 50 years ago.

Yeah, yeah, but she could be a total psycho. I mean, she wears mangled hangers as Jewellery.

Why are you doing this? I like her, Jane, a lot.

I need these by 3:00.

Yes, ma'am.

Kevin... come on, let's keep

Ok, work is work.

Thank you. But last night was...

awkward... weird, great... and, uh...

no one sprained anything.

And it was the first time I...

ever trusted anyone outside my family to see me without my chair.

How's it going?

Uh, fine, Mrs. G.

That is nice work, Adam.

I just got started.

You like working in this medium.

Yeah, a lot.

What is that medium?

Just, you know, mixed media.

Well, usually, mixed media entails some kind of texture. You've got, um, what is it, magazine photos?

Cha. It's cool.

Yeah, I know. I'm just saying... there's usually texture.

Um... the wood is textured.

And...that's the shade of green you're gonna go with?

Is there a problem, Mrs. Girardi?

No. No. No. No problem. Just carry on.

- Whoa! Do you mind? I'm late. Can I--
- Not much I can do. It's their nature, Joan.

Why does Adam have to go to the concert with iris?

He doesn't have to. He wants to.

Only because you made me cancel.

I work in mysterious ways, Joan. It's, uh-- it's my thing.

So, maybe you do something mysterious from stopping her from going. Like, I don't know, a twisted ankle or appendicitis...

or a big zit on her lip, huh? Think of it as payback for all the-- the work that I've done for you.

Don't you think there might be some things that are more important than this date?


Like I suggest that you keep working with those kids.

You suggest. You suggest. Ok.

Like I'm not gonna do what god suggests. And why am I working with them?

Sorry. They gotta go. See ya.

I hope they pee on you!

What happened?

I had an emergency.

Oh, um, do you have any other clothes with you?


No. Ok. It's ok. It's ok. are so small, and this is so...much.

You know, I was supposed to go to a white stripes concert...

but I couldn't go 'cause I had to be here.

You know, iris doesn't talk so much.

Hey, news flash: I am not iris.

You're mean.

I'm not mean.

I'm bored.

Me. Too.

Why don't you guys throw blocks at each other or write on the walls?

Let's make a pi?ata.


Yeah, let's make a pi?ata. Can we make one?

A pi?ata? How do you guys even know what a pi?ata is?

It's, you know, a big thing you hit.

You hit it with a stick and there's paper all over and lots and lots of candy.

Ok, ok, ok. I got you. I got you. All right, but we are not making a pi?ata. You guys just want candy.

Iris always said no, too.

Iris won't let you make a pi?ata?

Hey, Luke! Get in.

What--what are you doing here?

Mom asked me to pick you up Joan 'cause she gets out late from her thing with the kids.

I'm--I'm just gonna walk.

Don't be a jerk. Get in.

So... you been "studying" with your girlfriend?

I don't want to talk about it.

Maybe if you learn how to shoot some hoops we can turn you into a real man and put a smile on her face.

God, why don't you just cut out the cocky athletic crap, Kevin.

You're not that guy anymore and you never will be again.

I'm sorry. I'm... I'm sorry.

What's your problem? The more things go my way, the more pissed off you get. What's that about?

I said I'm sorry, ok? It won't happen again.

Yes, it will.

What do you and your science friends call that? The law of inertia? What is it?!

What's the problem, Luke?

That! Right there!

Do you have any idea how much I hated you for shoving me and hitting me and making fun of me all the time?

And no one would say anything about it because you were the big star and I was just a geek.

You know, after your accident, when I heard you'd never walk again, I was happy.

Hey. Let's stop and get slurpies.

What's going on? Guys?

You might not believe me...

but I never would have pulled that trigger, Roy.

Will, we've been through this.

I know. It's just important to me that you know that.

It doesn't change anything.

I'm not done yet.

The other night...

I said things to my wife. I was... it wasn't me.

And I think maybe...

I think you made the right call.

I think I'd like to talk to someone about what's been going on.

You guys, this rocks. You did a great job.

Let me hit it first!

Ok, let me just finish hanging it first.

But I want to hit it first!

Yeah, I heard you the tenth time.

Ok... all right.

Ok, now everybody get in a line so you can all smash your artwork. Ok, George, you go first. Go ahead.

Go, George! Go, George! Go, George!

Yeah! Ok, ok, all right. Ok, that's good.

All right, your turn. Go on, hit it. Good! Again! Oh, good job! Whoo! Hit it! Nice! Hit it! Whoo! Again! Hit it!

Stop! Stop it!

Don't be such a drag. We're just having a little fun.


Swinging around a stick and beating things?

My father thought it was fun, too, just a little fun,

beating us with a stick just like this. First my mother and then...

why would you do this?

You're in charge until I get back.

Iris... I didn't know.

I never would have let them do that if I'd known.

You knew why they were all here, what kind of lives they've had.

Yeah, but they wanted to do it.

But I told them no. They didn't tell you that?

I--I didn't-- didn't realize.

Oh, I'm such an idiot. I thought it would be fun.

They were having fun.

It's ok. What I did in there, it was worse.


I should have asked you first.

I just get scared when I see...

I'm sorry. It's not your fault.

How was the concert?

Really good.

They aren't brother and sister, you know.

I've been thinking... about what you said.

I have to study.

It's not your fault.

All right, I was an ass, and not having legs doesn't make me any less of one now.

That doesn't excuse me from thinking what I did.

Yeah, it does. Doesn't it?

What are you doing here?

Uh, meeting iris.

Oh, well, um, she's still inside.

If I'd have known you would have been out here I wouldn't have...


I was a real jerk to you.

Um, no, you don't have to...

and I kind of rubbed this whole thing... with iris in your face.

Yeah, a little.

Jane? How is this gonna work?

I guess we'll have to see.

So you're--you're ok... with me and iris?

I have to be.



Who are you?

Uh... she's new.

I know her mother.. it's, uh-- it's ok. You guys can go.

Good night.

Good night.

The way I felt about iris... it was so ugly.

Why would you put those feelings in me?

Everyone has a part of themselves they don't like, Joan.

You carry it around like a weight.

The Lucky ones realize that when it becomes too heavy you can choose to set it down.

That's when you can see things the way they really are.

Come on. I'll walk you home.

Great. I'm being escorted home by a 6-year-old.