Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 1, Episode 10 - Drive, He Said - full transcript

Joan takes her driving test on instruction from above. Will Girardi follows through on his new "no tolerance" policy and ends up taken hostage. Luke gets special permission to drink coffee for the "trimathalon" at school, and Helen takes a pregnancy test.

Ok, Joan, here's the thing.

It's the face you were born with. There's only so much you can do.

Tell her about the law of diminishing returns.

It's actually an economic principle. Not a law... which states that if one factor of production is increased while others remain constant, the overall returns will relatively decrease or diminish, thus the term.

What I wanted was for you to get her out of there, not bore her into a coma.


What's with the cards?

Polynomial flashcards for the Trimathatons meet. I mean, calculus, trigonometry, and the real bad boy-- probability theorem.

Joan, I'm going to be late!

Why are you yelling at me?


Who's in the bathroom?

We've got no water.


Because we've got no water.

If you want the technical explanation, ask the plumber in our bathroom.

oh, no water anywhere in the house, honey. Plumber said not for a couple hours.

I noticed. Breakfast anyone?

No! I need the mirror more than you do. I'm getting my driver's license today.

You think I should start shaving?

Let me see. No.

Hey. Thank your boss for that great editorial.

What editorial?

Well, the one that called me a racist.

I have heard you mention that Asians drive badly

The editorial didn't call you a racist. It called your policies racist.

So you're familiar with it.

Dad, my job is to verify the facts for everything written on the op-ed page, and the facts check out.

Now my son thinks I'm a racist?

Policies, dad, not you.

I'm not defending myself to you.

Me, either.

I'm not a racist.

The facts checked out, dad.

Harsh. Very harsh.

Facts don't lie.

Well, agreed, however, the interpretation of facts...

There's no water.

That's the rumour.

What about my hair?

Wear a hat.

Hats don't work on girls. I have to talk to that plumber.

Excuse me. How long is it going to take you to get us water?

How long is it going to take you to get your driver's license?

What does that have to do with anything?

Well, this is the fifth time that you've made your driver's test appointment.

And this will be the fifth time you cancel, and I want you not to do that.

I want to wash my hair.

Well, I'm god. My needs come first. so take the test.

You're in my house. You've never come to my house before.

of course I have.

Ok. Look. I'll take the test. No big deal. that's fine. How long for the pipes?

I'm working on it. Ok?

-== [ ] ==-

Uncle Luke?

First of all, Eminem's birthday does not count as a religious holiday, and second, his birthday was October 17, so you have to come to school.

I need a maternal dispensation.

For what?

To drink coffee.

Our agreement was no coffee until you could shave.

My trimathelon is this afternoon.

Waiting for the relevance.

Caffeine is a proven smart drug. It opens up the vascular system in the brain.

Mom, none of the other competitors have to ask their mom if they can drink coffee.

Of course, most of them are seniors who shave.

If I medal in this trimathelon, it's $30,000 towards a scholarship at M.I.T.

Fine. For 30 grand, drink coffee.

Plus unlike most of the competitors, I need a ride home from the event.

Won't the cheering crowd bear you home upon their shoulders?

You're mocking.


Are you all right?

Step off, weirdo. Leggo.

Just... be careful.

What's with him?

He's the nice one in the family. And, no, you can't go home just because your hair looks funny.

Do you remember about my driver's test at lunch?

Is that today? Oh, well, I'm not going to give you an excuse to cancel. I'll get Marlene to cover for me.

How funny does my hair look?

The hat is cute.

I'm never going to get a boyfriend.

Yeah, I'm ok with that. Next?

Okie Dokie

Did you read this?


Chief Girardi's zero tolerance for graffiti misdemeanours and moving violations is nothing more than institutionalized racism targeting the young African-American male."

I read it.

Where are you going?

I'm speaking at an elementary school.

You going to show them your gun?

It'll be locked in my glove compartment.

I don't want them staring at my gun and asking me how many bad guys I've killed.

Chief? This is a good policy. Not that you asked.

According to my son, a fact checker, we arrested 107 men between the ages of 18 and 24 last month. 82 of them were either black or Hispanic.

Tagging leads to gang wars, gang wars mean drive-bys, which definitely count as moving violations.

Can I ask you something?

As an African American?

As a cop. Is that article going to stop my guys on the street from doing their job?

All they need to know is that zero tolerance is zero tolerance no matter what colour the perp. behind the wheel.

Tell you what. I will personally bust a rich white guy today.

I'll be back in an hour.


You ran out of staples about 5 minutes ago.

I don't know what's wrong with me today.

Are you having an affair?


Is it price? You're covering up pretending you hate him?

No. I might be pregnant.

By price?

Marlene, stop that or I'll staple you.

So have you gone to the doctor?

I took a home pregnancy test. But how accurate are they anyway?

About 99%.


The pill is only about 90% effective, which should be plenty for a woman who's been married as long as you have.

Oh, well, you don't know my husband. He's really...

well, serves you right, then.

It sort of does. But don't say anything to anyone. Will doesn't even know yet.

Don't look so happy. Remember having your last baby?

Yeah, of course, I do. It's only... 15 years ago. God.

Realization sinks in. Ha!

And you know what? I'm not all that great a mother.

You're hormonal. Do your stapling.

Does my hair look funny?

Your hair always looks funny. Ha ha ah! Sometimes it just pops in my head and I just laugh. Ha ha ha.


He's never going to forgive me.

The dude has a photographic memory.

Every time he thinks he might forgive you, the image of you smashing his artwork just pops into his head.

Not that I've discussed it with him.

Dispatch, l-100.

Chief Girardi, dispatch. Go.

I need a 10-28, older model Mercedes... java-rocket-lucky one-Adam-9.

10-12, chief. 4-door, '89 Mercedes 420 SEL registered to Donald Baker.

I'm pulling over Judge Donald Baker?

Chief, if you decide to let him go, your secret is safe with me.

Zero tolerance, dispatch. Over.

I rule trig the way Britney rules Justin.

Silver's mine unless that albino kid from Blakelock edges me out.

He'll take the gold in calculus. Don't worry.

So it all comes down to probability theorem.

Dude, no studying for that. It's all about how fast you are on your feet.

Hit the caffeine. That's my advice.

You are so fixating on that Marge.

I'm not fixating on her. I'm fixating on Adam Rove.

Natural next step, my gay friend.

I got to talk to him for my sister.

Dude, you are trimatheloning. Splitting your focus is bad tactics.

Plus do you even speak be-bop, be-bop spaceman language?

Sorry about this, your honour.

I'm gonna tell you everything just once. Get behind the Wheel.

That was your last freebie.

All right Buckle up. We don't want to get pulled over.

Let's vamoose.

Where to?

Oz, Neverland. I'll decide when we get there. Let's go.

How was breakfast this morning?


I meant with your father.

Testy. I'm not comfortable discussing it.

Fair enough.

It's just that I'm not usually in a position to hear the first-hand effects of my editorials.

Well, no offence, but you still aren't. I have to think of my family.

As long as it doesn't affect your job.

You're a fact checker. You have to be objective.

I checked the stats you gave me, Rebecca. I did my job. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find out if an ostrich's eye really is bigger than its brain and if there's any word that rhymes with silver.

Maybe you could point that somewhere else?

10 and 2, buddy. Let me see 10 white knuckles.

So what'd you pull me over for?

Ran a stop sign.

You're not a uniform.

I thought you were somebody else.

Well, you got that right. I am definitely somebody else.

Will Girardi. Chief of police?

Nice to meet you.

I snagged me the chief of police. 13 bucks?

I got a wife and kids.

Oh! That changes everything. Wife and kids. There's a free pass for that one.

I'm not begging for mercy. I'm explaining why I have only 13 bucks in my wallet.

But I do advise you to let me go.

Multiple choice. A--I shoot you in the face and let you go. 2--I shoot you in the heart and let you go. D--you shut up, you drive.

Well, a full tank and 13 bucks, I'd pick "C."

Don't forget about the shut up part.

Adam! You know who I am?

Luke Girardi?

No. I know you know my name. Do you know what we have in common?

Uh...we're in AP chem. together and... we're both guys.

Yes! Yes, we're both males. We're not females. And as such we find females difficult.


One girl in particular. I'm Joan's brother.

I know.

I would like to speak to you on her behalf.

Ok. You're not going to help me through this at all, are you?

Through what?

Maybe it's none of my business, but I know what I know, and I can't unknow it, so I'm trying to help.

She smashed my art, man.

Joan is really sorry about that, Adam, but you've got to get past it.


Because one smashed sculpture looks pretty small given other upcoming issues you guys have to face together.

What happened, happened. Ok? There's no taking it back. She has to deal with the fallout. I'm out of her life, man.

You must use low headlight beams at night when following within blank feet of the vehicle ahead: A--100, b--200, c--300, d--500"? Joan?

I don't even wanna get my driver's license.

Then why are we here?


Joan Girardi? Joan girardi!

Yoo-hoo. Present.

Relax. It's called a cell phone. How long were you in for anyway?

Who's Helen?

My wife.

Well, let's say howdy to Helen.


Maybe she knows if they're out looking for ya.

What's our phrase of the day?

Good judgment.


Hi, honey.

Joan is about to take her driving test. I thought you ought to know in case you wanna put the police force on alert.

Thanks for the warning.

I need to talk to you about something.

Now is not a great time.

No, no. I need to see your face.

I need to see your face, too.

Was that a little bit romantic?

Best I can do in my current situation. Listen, I had a little argument with Kevin this morning--

will? Will.

Can you hear me now?

3 years ago it was Bayes Theorem as an intuitive definition of conditional probability...

then it was the extension of joint probability to 3 or more events...

Maximum likelihood...

then last year, covariance estimation and error propagation. Do you--do you see the pattern?! Do you? 'Cause I do! Do you? This year it'll be Gaussian random errors. I can so do that.

Why are you talking so fast?

Why are you listening so fast?

You're a nervous wreck!

It's--it's not about the trimathelon.

Dude, you're going to choke, man. You gotta find that cerebral place--

my sister had sex with Adam Rove.



Your sister did the big bang with Rove?

Shut up! How do you know?

Does rove even have all the necessary equipment?

Quit talkin' about it!

You brought it up.

I--I didn't mean to! And you should hear what I'm not telling you, ok, so shut up.

Dude, let the caffeine just flow through you. Don't fight it.

Don't worry about it, honey. Everybody fails it the first time.

I didn't.

Joan Girardi?

Congratulations, Joan. I need your thumb print.

This is a significant milestone in your life.

You're apprehensive, just like you were when you got a training bra, and that's good.

Driving is a big responsibility.

Did--did you arrange it so I'd pass?

I don't interfere in that way.

You passed fair and square. Now, place your feet on the footprints and smile for the camera.

Oh, cam--uh, camera? I'm having a ba-- a bad hair day.

Now that you have your license, I want you to use it. Today.

What's the rush? 16 years I haven't driven, and you know what, it's been great, so why today?

Your license will be ready in 5 minutes. Next!

It's not so bad.

Mom, I look like Coolio.

Well, Coolio, you wanna wheel us back to school?

Maybe next time.

I see what's happening.


You know, when we first took off your training wheels, you chipped your tooth.

Roller blading, you broke an arm. Snowboarding, you tore a groin muscle.

Are you saying I'm a klutz?

I understand. You're scared.

Having someone in the family who was hurt so badly in a car accident, well, it's-- it is a caution. Sometimes I'm scared to get in the car, but I do because... it's a necessary part of life, so...

maybe next time.

You on parole?

Look, this ain't a date. We don't gotta conversate. You drive. I point the gun.

You got that jailhouse stink. How long you been out? Did you even make it a month?

Watch the road there, chief. We don't wanna get in an accident.

I think you broke my collar bone.

Nah, but I will next time. 10 and 2!

I can't. My arm is numb. Ok, ok. You made your point.

Sorry, Marlene. M.V.A.

There's someone here to see you.

Ohh, no. No! No!

Hey, Tell me some more fairy tales about "objective."


I went into the stacks to find the statistics you didn't use. 8 fewer gang-related deaths throughout the county?

You have to go home.

You said there was nothing to support the police chief's policies.

What are these? You just chose not to see them so you could smear my father?

Kevin, your father is missing.

What's that mean, "missing"?

He may have been taken hostage. The city desk heard it over the police scanner.

Does my mother know?

They've taken her home in case there's a call.

I have to go.

Are you sure you're the chief of police? Somebody should be missin' you by now!

I'm not that popular.

Well, that's good to know when the shootin' starts.

Here comes an on-ramp.

Nah. Nah. The staties will be all over it. We're gonna go the back way.

You got somewhere particular you wanna go?

There's someplace particular I don't wanna go.

What were you in for? Manslaughter, that's the vibe I'm getting, not murder one.

Yeah, well, dead's dead. Why quibble? Go straight.

I've got a wife. I've got kids. They still need me.

I'm not like you. I've got others who depend on me, people I've gotta worry about.

Well, the only person you have to worry about today is me, chief. Go straight!

He made a traffic stop without his gun? Why would he do that?

He thought it was judge baker.

Obviously, judge Baker didn't take my husband hostage.

The judge's car was stolen by a man named Robert Morrison.

What kind of judge doesn't get lojack?

How do you know the identity of this man?

Judge baker was meeting with Morrison and his parole officer. The judge was gonna send Morrison back to prison, but, um, he ended up stealing the judge's car.

How bad is he?

Nobody the chief can't handle, ms. Girardi.

Please... I've been a cop's wife for over 20 years.

He shot judge baker and the parole officer. The parole officer died.

So... my husband is with an armed killer who's desperate to get away?

Well, I feel better. Don't you, mom?

Why are there so many police here? They--they should all be out looking for will.

We've got everybody mobilized. The staties are covering the freeways. We'll find the chief.

Hey, I--I don't want my kids to hear about this on the news.

We've got a media blackout for another 2 hours.

Give the Chief a chance to persuade Morrison to let him go.

Do you want me to send a unit? Fetch the kids from school?

No. No. My son has this, um, math thing.


It's very important to him. He asked me for special permission to drink coffee.

No, we'll let him do his math. Joan can drive him home. She got her license today.

God, it's just one disaster after another. I'm sorry.

You comin' to watch the trimathelon?

Ha ha. Yeah, right.

I intend to walk away with the gold in trigonometry.

Good for you.

Trig is, uh... triple-x extreme math.

I guess that makes you Tony hawk then.

If you give me your digits, I'll reduce them to an imaginary number.

You're Luke's friend. You know my number.

That's not the same as you giving it to me.

What are you doing?! Are you hitting on my sister?

It's just a conversation between a man and a woman.

More like between a woman and a boy with aspirations to manhood. Aspirations which sprung from a very private and extremely sensitive conversation. Is he hitting on you?

Luke, why are you talking so fast?

You ha-- uh, you have to drive me home after the trimathelon. Mom left the keys in the office.

Congratulations on getting your license, though it really does confirm my skepticism about the testing criteria.

Ehh, I gotta go. Trimathelon takes 2 hours. Hope I can hold off peeing for that lon--

Luke, stop drinking coffee.

Why? My mind has never been so clear.

Pull over. You're not a killer.

If you were, you would've shot me when I pulled you over.

Ding, ding. This is my stop.

Last time I felt like this was the night of your accident.

Yeah, but... you knew I'd be ok... and that I'd live.

I did, yes.

Yeah, I knew I'd make it, too.

And I remember the car flipping...

and it was noisy. It was really noisy, and then...

I must've been unconscious, because the next thing I remember was quiet...

except for the radio, which got stuck on a classical station, which was weird because it wasn't what we'd been listening to.

It was like a--a dream, this--this beautiful music in the dark...

and I didn't feel any pain.

I was glad then, but now I know pain would've been good.

And then when I woke up in the hospital, I saw dad's face...

and... I wondered, "why does mom think this man is so good-looking?"

Why do I keep making jokes?

You had a fight this morning.

Times like this, we all have something that we wish we'd said

or something we wish we hadn't said.

The night of your accident, you and your father argued.

Do you remember?

At the hospital, your father asked me...

Kevin knows that I love him, right? That I'll always love him.

Did you tell him yes?

Of course. And that's what I'm telling you. He knows.

I got 3 kids. The oldest boy's in a wheelchair.

My wife's a good woman. She doesn't deserve any more tragedy in her life.

Come on, you're insured to the eyeballs.

You ever depend on anybody?

Over there.

Anybody ever depend on you?

If nobody ever depended on you, then you're a child. You're not a man.

I'm not the baby pleading for his life.

It's not my life I'm pleading for.

I mean something to people.

I don't expect you to understand what that's like.

All right, back to the car. Back to the car!

What are you doing?

Checking for radio emissions.


Last year, a trimathlete was having data beamed to him by an accomplice.

Well, I'm not beaming anything. I'm just waiting for my brother to finish.

At which point, you will drive him home. Correct?

I don't wanna drive. Why are you making me?

Most young people want to drive. Why are you so hesitant?

Well, you know everything. Why don't you tell me?

Perhaps your mother is correct. You're afraid of hurting yourself, of ending up like Kevin.

Yeah. Maybe she's right.

Balderdash. You've always been a headstrong, brave child, not overly concerned with your own well-being.

A trait you inherited from your father.

What you fear is hurting someone else.

You fear that one instance of bad judgment might entail consequences, consequences like those...

like Kevin?

That's--that's why I don't wanna drive. I mean... isn't that--isn't that a pretty good reason?

Being an adult isn't merely about risking your own well-being. It means risking others'.

In cars, in love, in family-- hurting others is always a possibility.

That's what's difficult about being an adult, facing the harsh fact that you may hurt others, even when you don't want to.

Then there's a flaw in the design. And whose fault is that?

It might help if you think of the universe as an obstacle course.

There's no flaw in the design. It's just--


Time's up. Take your brother for a drive in the country.


Is it finally over?

I went to another place. Like, I reached another plane of crystalline thought in probability theorem.

Luke, if I wanna hear about your genius in probability theorems, then I'll ask, ok?

Yeah. Of course. Boring. Sorry.

I talked to Adam Rove.

You what?

About your relationship.

Who told you to do that? What did he say?

He's not gonna be a part of this, Joan.

Oh. Part of what?

I know, ok? You-- you left evidence in the bathroom.

What are you talking about?

I know you're pregnant, and obviously Adam is the father.

Ohh! Oh, my god! You are really on another plane, aren't you?

Adam's not the father?

I--no. I--I'm not... pregnant.

Then why was there a pregnancy kit in our bathroom wastebasket? Because I'm not pregnant and I'm pretty sure Kevin's not pregnant, which leaves...


Ok, I'm an expert on probability, and given factors such as mom and dad's age, birth control, and the average frequency of sex after 23--

aah! Eww?

The probability is low.

So, what do we do with this?

Nothing. Nothing. We're gonna let her tell us... and be grossed out, but really happy.

Yeah, I'm comfortable with that.

Someone depended on me.

You said no one ever depended on me. Well, they did.

You want the man you're going to murder to have a good opinion of you?

Screw you.

It's your own fault. No gun, no uniform. What did you pull me over for? Dumbest cop I ever saw.

I had something to prove to my son, so I pulled over a rich white guy.

You couldn't understand. You don't care about anybody's good opinion and nobody cares about yours.

Shut up.

What are you gonna do, kill me twice?

Shut up! I got people that care! Quit saying I don't! I got a kid. I'm no use to her in jail.

You don't have anybody.

If I gotta hurt your family for my own, tough! That's the way it goes.

You don't have a family.

I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show you what you're dying for.

And then you'll see. You'll see.

Come on, Joan, let's go home now.

Relax. Who knew I'd be such a good driver?

The probability of an accident is directly proportional to the number of distractions.

Why are you so nervous?

At the trimathelon, we had to design our own probability scenario.


Factoring in age, gender, driving experience, temperament, and familiarity with the vehicle,

I computed the probability of my sister having an accident on her first day of driving, and guess what? We're on borrowed time.

So, what, having an accident is as likely as, what, getting struck by lightning?


Um... a shark attack? Drowning? Meteor hit? Mom getting pregnant?

Yeah, more likely than all those.

Why does mom have a map of Florida in our car?

Oh, my god!


Friedman was hitting on me because he thinks I'm a goer.

I--I didn't tell him that you were preg--

I am not having sex with Adam Rove!

Then what's with this intense relationship you have with Adam?

It's something else. I don't know.

When--when do you plan to start having sex?

Oh, at my first opportunity. You?

I don't know. It may not be up to me.

Who do you think it'll be up to, Joan? An arranged marriage? We're not hindu.

What about Kevin? I mean, do you-- do--do you think he'll ever be--I mean--

A--Kevin is probably still fully functional, and B--it's not as if he hasn't--

How do you know?

I caught him.

Once with Maggie Fraser and--and once with Maureen Mckeon.

Wh--are--are-- are you sure--
- Absolutely positive.

Twice? What are you, like, some kind of peeping tom?

It's not my fault I have a naturally quiet tread. Watch out!

Don't stop! Go around him! He's got a chain saw!

Oh, my god, it's dad!

Come on! The probability of that is-- in the trillions.
- Daddy.

Ms. Girardi!


It's me. I'm all right.


I'm all right, Helen. There was a car accident. The man I was with...

He didn't make it, but I'm all right.

You're hurt. I can tell you're hurt.

Is, um-- is Toni listening?

Yes, she's here.

Toni, send a unit out to old Mackenzie line road,

3 klicks east of the interstate. They'll find the car.

Now, Toni, get off the line. Helen, I love you. I love the kids.

There, um-- there's still people listening.

I don't care. I'll tell the world.

I love you.


It's almost 3 A.M. You should be asleep.

Where's dad?

They're keeping him overnight for observation, but he is fine, honey. You don't have to worry.

Was anything broken?

No, but...

Apparently everything is almost broken.

Was that really the best he could come up with? Ram himself into a pole?

I mean, what are the odds?

One in 22,957,480. I spent most of the day with Luke. He won.

The trimathelon? You know why?

'Cause he did a problem based on me getting my driver's license and crashing.

Tomorrow, we will have a talk about the rules, about how we don't just drive around for the fun of it.

Mom... y-you left a pregnancy test in the wastebasket.

Why would you go digging through the garbage?

I didn't. Luke did. He thought it was mine.

Why? Are you sexually active?

Why would you think that?

Well, Luke thought it, and evidently he's a genius.

Not at everything. And you're changing the subject.

I got my period. I'm not pregnant.

But you were... pregnant?

I think it was too soon to know for sure. Maybe.

Are you sad?

My husband's alive. I have no right to be sad.

A little sadness. Yes. Beneath the joy. A little sadness.

There's my boy.