Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Joan Girardi thinks she hears someone calling to her in her room in the middle of the night, while her police-chief father Will is investigating a murder of a woman. The next day, Joan sees someone spying on her from their yard and Will wonders if it was the murderer, who left behind no clues but a footprint. On the city bus toward school, Joan is approached by a boy about her own age who apologizes for startling her that morning, know many details about her life - and claims that he is God. He tells Joan that he wants her to apply for a job at a bookstore in town. Will, trying to learn more about the killer who has struck again, is also trying to reconcile with the fact that his son Kevin won't end up living a life playing sports as they both dreamed of him doing since the accident that cost him his ability to walk, but Helen wants to see her son move on and figure out what he now wants to do with his life. Joan asks her science-obsessed brother Luke if he believes in God, but he thinks the conversation isn't worth hearing when she wonders if he could be an attractive boy. However, God takes on another form to reach her, and encourages her to do what SHE requested, and leaving her with the choice of what to believe and what to do.

Chief, I didn't mean you'd to come down,
I was just calling to let you know

Drug related?

We don't know yet, it's only an hour old

You I.D'd her?

Not yet, no purse or anything. Chief look.
You show up on a call like this the guys are going to think you dont trust them

Yeah, I wouldn't want them to think that


Did you get a picture of this?

- What?
- Boot print

Osborn! Get over here

Get a photo of that boot print

Yes Sir. Sir the M.E. just arrived

Woa, wait a minute
The medical examiner is just getting here

Yes Sir. Chief

So tell me, she was found with that
blanket already on her?

no sir. she was just lying there,
out in the open

You've contaminated the scene officer.
It's procedure 101

I'm sorry sir

Just go get the M.E.

He's not homicide, he's the officer on parole.
Luck of the draw

He's a cop isn't he? he passed the exam

I get your point and I'm gonna
take care of it

Just to reiterate, you showing up on the scene
on a routine investigation...

Lt. Daghilan, when these investigations become routine
I wont have to show up any more

Joan! Joan!

Joan! I don't want to be late for work!

why have my kids stopped listening to me?

why have my kids stopped listening to me?

Thank You! Mystery solved


Everything ok?

Aw, there was supposed to be a perk to this position,
like not having to go out in the middle of thenight

Oh, you thought that was police business?

Cute! Joan!
I mean it! Kevin!

Let him sleep


Mom, you know all that stuff in my room

You know, the candles and the crystals and stuff?

Yeah, don't-don't touch that.
I'm doing this experiment with light.

I want him to go job hunting today Will

Really important experiment

He doesn't know anybody. Give him time to adjust

Life altering stuff

I'm not listening to you Luke

Good to know

We've been here 4 months.
Joan's adjusted, Luke's adjusted

Also good to know

World wont end if he sleeps
another half hour, Helen

Doctor was very specific about this

No preferential treatment. We all agreed

If we treat him special, hell expect
the world to do that

I've heard all the same lectures as you

Ever had a strange feeling that
you are being discussed?

I never get that

Because you're too boring

Yeah-yeah, that's what I'm thinking

I, I put the classifieds there,
and I circled some things

What, No C.E.O positions available?
Just as well

I'd be the only one whose mother
has to drive him to work

You are gonna learn how to drive

UH. I already know how to drive.
That's how this all started

you know what I mean. You ...
never mind

Apparently, you don't have to do anything

So, what you do, is that,
you shoot these photon with a of paper

There's A Pervert In The Yard!

- and a pervert appears in the yard
- What ?

I'm telling you!

Uh, um, if you need any muscle,
just yell

He was standing right here
Looking up at my window. He was here

What did he look like?

I don't know. I couldn't see his face.
He h-He had a dark coat on

Pervert coat?

He was here

Did you notice anything else?
Did you happen to see his shoes?

Oh yeah, I think they were Gucci

It was probably Mr. Sellers. He's always out early

He's overly involved with his gutters

It wasn't Mr. Sellers, and last night
I heard someone calling me

In this weird voice, in my room

Joan, there definitely wasn't anyone
in your room last night

I'm not crazy!

Come eat your breakfast.
You're going to be late for school

Please, excuse Joan from first period.
She was hallucinating

Oh, Shut Up weirdo

Oh, I'm the weirdo?

yeah! You are

Eh, Eh Enough! Lets go eat a
civilized family breakfast

Always good to try something new

I saw him daddy

Come here

Abigail Dorset is the victims name. 18 years old, a run away.
She spent the last couple of nights at a teen shelter

Were still looking for the next of kin

The Victim was sexually assaulted, beaten and strangled. Forensics has determined
that she did not die in the location she was found

Got forensics on the boot print?

Government issue. Probably Army boot

Someone with a military history?

It's possible. Alright, I need you guys to hit all the teen shelters,
find out if there are any missing girls

Hey, How's it going?

That depends, are you following me?

Me, no. Just going to school

You go to my school? I've never seen you before

Well, you know. I keep a low profile

I'm Joan

It's nice to meet you

- Here's the part were you say- your name
- Let's walk this way

In the opposite direction of school.
I don't think so

Joan, I wanna talk to you

Unless I'm missing something, we are talking

I mean, I wanna be honest

Who are you?

I saw you today

Saw me where?

Outside of your house.
Look, I didn't mean to scare you

Wa-wait that was YOU?

That guy was an old guy

Ok, this is the difficult part

I don't always look the same

W-What are you talking about?
What do you want with me?

Cause I gotta warn you, my Dad's a cop

He's not just any cop, he is The Cop

I know who your father is, Joan

He is Will Girardi. Born September 4th 1955, Chicago

His father was Gerald Girardi,
his mother was Alma Monroe

He had an uneventful childhood

Attended Mother Caprini High School
and Morten Junior Collage

After that he joined the police force in 1980

Then he met your mother, one Helen Brodie
She was an art school drop out

You're the middle child of three

About a year and a half ago your older brother,

Kevin, was in a car accident

Fractured his back. Left him a paraplegic

You have one other brother. Luke, who's 15

Your favorite color is green

You love salt on Cantaloupe

Jim Das broke your heart in 8th grade

And, you're afraid of clowns

Who are you?

I've known you since
before you were born, Joan

I'm going to ask you one more time

I am God

You're What?


Don't EVER Talk To Me Again


You've attracted the attention of the future Unabomber

What am I supposed to do?

You're on your own

This is the last thing I need

Joan! Joan? -
Pouvez-vous lire le paragraphe suivant s'il vous plait ?

Can you read the next paragraph please?

- I don't think so
- Non? Pourquois Pas?

Pourquois I - don't speak French

Marlene? Did you see this excuse slip
for Marty Wilkens?


Don't you think his mother, who's a lawyer,
would know how to spell either sore or throat.

She'd get one of them right

I'll call him in after lunch.
Oh, look who's here

Joan ?

Mom. Apparently I'm getting some kind of award

Oh really? Most likely to end up in Big Rig School?

A lot of people would consider you working here
a conflict of interest

That's fascinating

Ah Miss Girardi. Let's have a chat

This was really just a misunderstanding

Well I look forward to being enlightened

Fifth time this month


Hey God! Get lost, I mean it

I know you think you mean it

You know, I'm going to give my father a full description

and a composite drawing of you, both before dark

Maybe, he'll be too busy looking for creative ways to ground you
for mouthing off in French class

Are you spying on me?

I'm omniscient Joan, comes with the Job

Ok. So, you're God


As in - God


Old Testament, Tower of Babel, Burning bush,
Ten Commandments - God

I come off a little friendlier in the new testament
and the Koran but uh, Yeah, same God..

And, I'm supposed to believe you - because?

Because you have a feeling

No, I don't

How about you believe me if I agree to
overlook that promise you didn't keep

What promise?

Let's see. That you would study hard,
stop talking back

clean your room, and even go to church, if I recall,

If I let your brother live

How did you know about that?

Omniscient! Look it up

So - you let my brother live,
and now you're here to collect?

No. I don't bargain. That would be cruel

Ok. So, Lets say you're God

Thank you

I want to ask you some questions


No ?

No. As a general rule, I ask the questions

Are you, Are you being snippy with me?

God is snippy

Let me explain something to you Joan

It goes like this: I don't look like this

I don't look like anything you'd recognize

You cant see me. I don't sound like this.

I don't sound like anything you'd recognize

You see I'm beyond your experience

I take this form because you're comfortable with it

It makes sense to you

If I'm snippy with you its
because you understand snippy

Do ya get it?

Sort of

Good, cause I'm really not snippy

I've got a great personality
You'd like me

Uh, I'm not religious you know

It's not about religion Joan.

It's about fulfilling your nature

Oh, Uh, I definitely haven't done that


Uh, um well, lets say you're God

Joan, I am God!

Ok, well lets see a miracle

Ok, How bout that?

That's a tree

Lets see you make one

So, do you just go around,
appearing to people?

Um, a minor correction

I'm not appearing to you.

You are seeing me

Ok fine!

Is it kinda weird that I have a crush on you?

I'm not gonna look like this the next time

The next time?

I'm gonna be dropping in on you Joan

Now and then


Lets just say I need you to do some favors


Do you notice how I'm not answering any of the whys?

I want you to get a job,
at the Skylight bookstore

Its about 3 bus stops from here

Managers name is Sammy.
Now, He's snippy

Its important you do this pretty soon

Don't ask why

And if I say no? Am I gonna burst into flames?

Where do you people get this stuff?

Have I ever made any body burst into flames?

Do as I ask. I'll see you around

Wait one more thing

Soon! Joan

You in?

Oh no

The Florida Keys

We've always wanted to go there

You always wanted to go there

I hate sand, water and bugs

And I really hate it when they all get together

Ok. How about Canada?

We could do that Rail Thing

Helen, Canada is where people go when
they cant really afford to go on a vacation

Ok, you win. Well go visit my parents

Oh! I don't think I can get away

Really. The job is too new

I'm still on probation as far as this city concerned

We used to always go somewhere for Christmas

Well, thing how it would be for Kevin

Putting him in that same old situation
where he has to look at the difference

He needs to start looking at something, besides MTV

There's no rule that says
he has to bounce back right away?

It's been a year and a half since the accident

If he did something

If he got a job, I think he'd feel better

He would? Or you would?
Hey! We're doing ok

We are?

Your daughter is hallucinating men in the backyard

Couldn't we talk about this some other time?

Yeah Yeah!

The thing about going away for Christmas
Will, is that it would be a start

And we could get up there, and we could see
what the world looks like to us now

I cant think more then a day ahead

because I cant imagine my life,

of my sons life, being the way it is forever

Cant you just be happy he lived?

Of course I can

I'm grateful for that every day


Hey, What'ya doing?

Rehearsing for my part in a big musical

I'm studying, what else do I do?

No, I won't do your math

No, no, no I don't want you to do my math

I just wanted to, you know, talk


So, you're a science geek right?

I prefer man of science but..

Do you believe in God?

Sure! It's Logical

It is?

If you accept the special theory of relativity

which I do

and the laws of thermo dynamics

which I do

and then you throw in the fact
that life is conscious

which it appears to be, you know,
how can you argue?

Do you think it could be, you know,
just walking around in the world?

Like a person?

Um. Er. You know, it's not
empirically inconsistent

You know because everything is energy

and energy can manifest itself into any form

depending on its rate of vibration

So, God could like vibrate himself into the form
of a really cute guy around my age?

See. I knew there was a guy in this

Yes, or No. Could it happen?

As the great physics Pharaday once said.
Nothing is too wonderful to be true

Hey Girl, ok, so who's the guy?

What guy?

I saw you talking to him after school

Is he from where you used to live?
Cause he is definitely not from around here

Wait you saw him?
Well, you were just standing out there

What did he look like?

Take it easy

You want to know what
your own boyfriend looks like?

He's cute. You hurt my arm

Describe him

Brown hair

Corduroy Jacket

Orlando Bloom-ish

And it looked like you too were having a fight

OH my god. I knew it, you saw him,
he is just a guy

Are you ok?

Yeah, I'm fine

He's not my boyfriend

He's some weirdo who started talking to me on the bus

So, are you going to go out with him?

No. I'm telling you, he's crazy.
Thinks he's god

What else is new?

You fix this

You do something about it right now

It's a lie! They can't just print this lie

It has nothing to do with us Mrs. Dorsett

We released a general statement

Who released it? You? This is my baby girl

Do you realize that?

- Yes, I do
- What's the problem

This is Mrs. Dorsett. Abigail's mother

On T.V. they called her a prostitute

I got this off the Internet

where everyone can see it

This is chief Girardi

Did you do this?

I'm very sorry for your loss

Doesn't it occur to you people
that she was someone's daughter?

Of course it does. We release a general statement

the press often provides the details

Mrs. Dorsett, and for that I am truly sorry

I know what this means, Mr. Girardi

Call her a Hooker,

nobody has to panic.
Nobody has to find who killed her

This was my baby! You find him!

Help for the homeless?

Anything you can give

God bless you

Let me ask you something

What is God thinking?

Excuse me?

What's he thinking? Um

What's he up too?

You know, the parking lot version

Well, it's not really something
I'm prepared to answer

Why not, you got the collar on

Says to the world you got some
sorta handle on it

What you're asking is complicated

Well, give it a shot

Starting with why he lets people suffer?

I'm putting you on the spot

Um, I'm sorry. I'll just be going

He's a father right,

he's supposed to be a father

What father wouldn't fix his kids problems
if he possible could?

And he's master of the universe,
so he's pretty capable

Is he out of ideas?

Is he bored? What?

Ma'am, I can see you're in a spiritual crisis

and if you would like to make an appointment

you could come down to my parish

I would be more then happy to

No, no. I'm sorry

I'm pretty emotional right now

Good luck with the homeless

No, wait. Look, I'll pray for you

Really! What will you say?

Help that emotional woman from the parking lot

Ok. Sure

What part of the fish is this anyway?

I don't want to go there

I'm on a diet

I'm just having cake

Do you want to come sit with us?

Yeah, sure

Well be over there

Hi. Can I get some extra tartar sauce?

Sure you can baby

This is a five star restaurant

How come you didn't get the job?

Excuse me?

I think I made myself clear

I told you that crush thing
wouldn't be a problem

Could we possibly talk about this
somewhere else?

Well just do what I tell you and
we wont have to discuss it

Couldn't be easier

Move along now, your holding up the line

What you need children?

- Hey
- Hey, what's going on? Why are you home?

I took the day off work

What for?

Wow, see how happy they look

Will my teeth be that straight too?

No need to thank me

Thing is, I'm afraid its going to
make me too popular

You could reconsider collage

No. The only reason I was going to
collage was to play baseball

I'm not the brains of the family

Yeah, well there's still so much you could do

Mom! Don't you think I wish I was one of those people
who gets all jazzed about the wheelchair Olympics?

I'm doing ok, considering

Stop trying to make me the worlds best invalid

When you were little,

and I would take you to the park or a store

People would stop you and
tell you how beautiful I was

How special you are

You have this quality, everyone senses it,
and ...

I can't believe your purpose in life is over just
because you lost the ability to walk


Walking is over rated anyways

Most people try to avoid it

That's why we have so much
traffic and skateboards,

scooters and golf carts and road rage

Because of how much everyone hates walking

When your sister gets home
I want you to talk to her

About what?

She's going through something

Do you think she's cracking up?

No! I think she's going through something

She needs a big brother

That hasn't changed



Mom wants me to talk to you

To make sure I'm not crazy?

Yep, so, are you crazy


Ok, I'm glad we had this talk

Maybe. I don't know

How are you supposed to know?

Is there a sign or a checklist or website?

I guess it's just the usual stuff

Do you believe in U.F.O's?

Do you hear voices?

Are you Michael Jackson?

If voices have people attached
are they still considered voices?

Joan, here's the thing

Mom likes normal

Dad really likes normal

Before my accident

Luke was all they could handle in the freak
for a kid department

Now they've got me

You're their only hope for normal

That's just wrong

But it sounded good though didn't it

I'm sorry. What did I do?

Did you feel that?

No - No I can't feel it. No way

You jerk!

I felt that!

Calm down. You're wheezing

Yes you are

Just start over

Is it moving?

Is it breathing?

If its moving and breathing its not dead

Damn it Heidi,

if it's hopping it's really not dead

It's cheerful

I told you we should get a rabbit for a pet

It's not a pet it's food

Heidi, Heidi, don't

Hi, Joan Girardi

I don't sell Harry Potter anything

No, I'm here about the Job

Yeah, the one that you were advertising

Oh sorry, that's for someone
who can see over the counter

Well, I'm 16. I've had lots of jobs


Name all 4 books in the Alexandria quartet

See, now somebody might
ask you questions like that

And then I'd say I'll look it up in the computer

I'm good with computers

Yeah, everyone's good with computers,

Digital cameras, cell phones, and TiVo

But no one can form an objective
thought to save their lives

Go home, Please

Hiring you would only complicate my life

because I would have to rant

and rave about your shabby education

and I have enough to rant and rave about

Was that your daughter on the phone?

My wife

A grown woman who is hysterical over a sick rabbit

I don't need any more adolescents in my life

Well, if you hire me,
then you can go take care of it

I know how to run a cash register

and I know how to answer the phone

And I can count way past ten

So if you just run along

and take your wife's rabbit to the vet

And when you come back

if I haven't burnt down the store or something

you could hire me

You don't happen to have
any references on you?

No, but I was sent by God

She said, revealing her acerbic wit.
My dad's Will Girardi, he's the chief of police. Really

Don't steal anything

Don't take any checks

don't give any refunds

I will be back at 6

Her name is Lindsay Mitchell

Junior at AHS

Her mother reported her missing
yesterday afternoon

She's been dead about 24 hours

Its the same guy

Same M.O. Foot prints a match

Well, How do you want to handle this?
It's your call

What would you do?

I'd go to medical school like my mother wanted

Yeah, no kidding

Baptism by napalm

You wanna share this?

Is that you?

Come on, your getting wet
You'll catch cold

Look, can we think of some way to do this

You know, like some kind of code word

because that stunt in the cafeteria
was tres un-amusing

I'll give you a ride, my cars right here

Wow, God has a car


God has a bad car

God has The Club

You know, I think I'm going to walk

Na, come on

You don't want to do that

- it's cold. It's going to be fine
- No

What the hell are you doing?
Why are you leaving?

There was a man

What, what man?

A man tried to get me in his car

What? What man?

I thought I was going to be home by six

but then the owner was late getting back

I'm sorry I scared you

You go and get a job

Just like that

Without telling any body

You're always bugging Kevin to get one

That's Kevin. You're in school

Some parents would say I was industrious

Some parents haven't seen your report card

And then there was this man,
was kind of following me

What?! You were saving that for later?

I didn't want to upset you

Too late!

Why don't you let me handle this?

Ok, fine. I kinda miss the 50s

I swear there was a man daddy

The same man?

No, a different one

Why are you doing this. Is this some kind of prank?
For attention

Because there is really is someone out there Joan
And if there's a man following you, I need to know

There is. I mean, I think there is

The one earlier,
he turned out to be someone else

But the one tonight, he seemed real

I don't want this to be happening to me dad

What is happening?

You can tell me

What ever it is, we'll deal with it

Joan, I'll get you a doctor,
a counselor, a priest

We'll make it ok
That's my job

Look at me

I'm not going to loose you,
for any reason

Do you understand?

- Night Lieutenant.
- Good night

Chief keeping bankers hours tonight?

He had some family business

He's a funny one isn't he

He's the boss sergeant

G'd night, sir

Osborne, Give me a minute.
What's this?

Guy was doing 60 down Grand View

ran a red light, mouthed off a bit

Decided I'd drag it out, not let him go

You run the check on him?

He's got nothing,
not even a speeding ticket

You let him kick him?

I just thought, he mouthed off,
I teach him a lesson

Let's put him up over night

Sir, for what?

Call it resisting arrest

I want to talk to him in the morning


You want to talk to the guy
for running a red light?

Uh, yeah. And I want the chief to be there too

Joan. Joan !

Joan. Hi.

I appreciate what you did

I mean, it was kinda
stupid and you got in trouble

but it was brave and I get your point

I have a point?

My little sister can get a job

I've got no excuse

So, you're shaming me
back into the world

But you're right

It's time. Ah, go back to sleep