Joan of Arcadia (2003–2005): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
Joan Girardi thinks she hears someone calling to her in her room in the middle of the night, while her police-chief father Will is investigating a murder of a woman. The next day, Joan sees someone spying on her from their yard and Will wonders if it was the murderer, who left behind no clues but a footprint. On the city bus toward school, Joan is approached by a boy about her own age who apologizes for startling her that morning, know many details about her life - and claims that he is God. He tells Joan that he wants her to apply for a job at a bookstore in town. Will, trying to learn more about the killer who has struck again, is also trying to reconcile with the fact that his son Kevin won't end up living a life playing sports as they both dreamed of him doing since the accident that cost him his ability to walk, but Helen wants to see her son move on and figure out what he now wants to do with his life. Joan asks her science-obsessed brother Luke if he believes in God, but he thinks the conversation isn't worth hearing when she wonders if he could be an attractive boy. However, God takes on another form to reach her, and encourages her to do what SHE requested, and leaving her with the choice of what to believe and what to do.
Chief, I didn't mean you'd to come down,
I was just calling to let you know
Drug related?
We don't know yet, it's only an hour old
You I.D'd her?
Not yet, no purse or anything. Chief look.
You show up on a call like this the guys are going to think you dont trust them
Yeah, I wouldn't want them to think that
Officer
Did you get a picture of this?
- What?
- Boot print
Osborn! Get over here
Get a photo of that boot print
Yes Sir. Sir the M.E. just arrived
Woa, wait a minute
The medical examiner is just getting here
Yes Sir. Chief
So tell me, she was found with that
blanket already on her?
no sir. she was just lying there,
out in the open
You've contaminated the scene officer.
It's procedure 101
I'm sorry sir
Just go get the M.E.
He's not homicide, he's the officer on parole.
Luck of the draw
He's a cop isn't he? he passed the exam
I get your point and I'm gonna
take care of it
Just to reiterate, you showing up on the scene
on a routine investigation...
Lt. Daghilan, when these investigations become routine
I wont have to show up any more
Joan! Joan!
Joan! I don't want to be late for work!
why have my kids stopped listening to me?
why have my kids stopped listening to me?
Thank You! Mystery solved
Morning
Everything ok?
Aw, there was supposed to be a perk to this position,
like not having to go out in the middle of thenight
Oh, you thought that was police business?
Cute! Joan!
I mean it! Kevin!
Let him sleep
Why?
Mom, you know all that stuff in my room
You know, the candles and the crystals and stuff?
Yeah, don't-don't touch that.
I'm doing this experiment with light.
I want him to go job hunting today Will
Really important experiment
He doesn't know anybody. Give him time to adjust
Life altering stuff
I'm not listening to you Luke
Good to know
We've been here 4 months.
Joan's adjusted, Luke's adjusted
Also good to know
World wont end if he sleeps
another half hour, Helen
Doctor was very specific about this
No preferential treatment. We all agreed
If we treat him special, hell expect
the world to do that
I've heard all the same lectures as you
Ever had a strange feeling that
you are being discussed?
I never get that
Because you're too boring
Yeah-yeah, that's what I'm thinking
I, I put the classifieds there,
and I circled some things
What, No C.E.O positions available?
Just as well
I'd be the only one whose mother
has to drive him to work
You are gonna learn how to drive
UH. I already know how to drive.
That's how this all started
you know what I mean. You ...
never mind
Apparently, you don't have to do anything
So, what you do, is that,
you shoot these photon with a of paper
There's A Pervert In The Yard!
- and a pervert appears in the yard
- What ?
I'm telling you!
Uh, um, if you need any muscle,
just yell
He was standing right here
Looking up at my window. He was here
What did he look like?
I don't know. I couldn't see his face.
He h-He had a dark coat on
Pervert coat?
He was here
Did you notice anything else?
Did you happen to see his shoes?
Oh yeah, I think they were Gucci
It was probably Mr. Sellers. He's always out early
He's overly involved with his gutters
It wasn't Mr. Sellers, and last night
I heard someone calling me
In this weird voice, in my room
Joan, there definitely wasn't anyone
in your room last night
I'm not crazy!
Come eat your breakfast.
You're going to be late for school
Please, excuse Joan from first period.
She was hallucinating
Oh, Shut Up weirdo
Oh, I'm the weirdo?
yeah! You are
Eh, Eh Enough! Lets go eat a
civilized family breakfast
Always good to try something new
I saw him daddy
Come here
Abigail Dorset is the victims name. 18 years old, a run away.
She spent the last couple of nights at a teen shelter
Were still looking for the next of kin
The Victim was sexually assaulted, beaten and strangled. Forensics has determined
that she did not die in the location she was found
Got forensics on the boot print?
Government issue. Probably Army boot
Someone with a military history?
It's possible. Alright, I need you guys to hit all the teen shelters,
find out if there are any missing girls
Hey, How's it going?
That depends, are you following me?
Me, no. Just going to school
You go to my school? I've never seen you before
Well, you know. I keep a low profile
I'm Joan
It's nice to meet you
- Here's the part were you say- your name
- Let's walk this way
In the opposite direction of school.
I don't think so
Joan, I wanna talk to you
Unless I'm missing something, we are talking
I mean, I wanna be honest
Who are you?
I saw you today
Saw me where?
Outside of your house.
Look, I didn't mean to scare you
Wa-wait that was YOU?
That guy was an old guy
Ok, this is the difficult part
I don't always look the same
W-What are you talking about?
What do you want with me?
Cause I gotta warn you, my Dad's a cop
He's not just any cop, he is The Cop
I know who your father is, Joan
He is Will Girardi. Born September 4th 1955, Chicago
His father was Gerald Girardi,
his mother was Alma Monroe
He had an uneventful childhood
Attended Mother Caprini High School
and Morten Junior Collage
After that he joined the police force in 1980
Then he met your mother, one Helen Brodie
She was an art school drop out
You're the middle child of three
About a year and a half ago your older brother,
Kevin, was in a car accident
Fractured his back. Left him a paraplegic
You have one other brother. Luke, who's 15
Your favorite color is green
You love salt on Cantaloupe
Jim Das broke your heart in 8th grade
And, you're afraid of clowns
Who are you?
I've known you since
before you were born, Joan
I'm going to ask you one more time
I am God
You're What?
God
Don't EVER Talk To Me Again
What?
You've attracted the attention of the future Unabomber
What am I supposed to do?
You're on your own
This is the last thing I need
Joan! Joan? -
Pouvez-vous lire le paragraphe suivant s'il vous plait ?
Can you read the next paragraph please?
- I don't think so
- Non? Pourquois Pas?
Pourquois I - don't speak French
Marlene? Did you see this excuse slip
for Marty Wilkens?
Maybe
Don't you think his mother, who's a lawyer,
would know how to spell either sore or throat.
She'd get one of them right
I'll call him in after lunch.
Oh, look who's here
Joan ?
Mom. Apparently I'm getting some kind of award
Oh really? Most likely to end up in Big Rig School?
A lot of people would consider you working here
a conflict of interest
That's fascinating
Ah Miss Girardi. Let's have a chat
This was really just a misunderstanding
Well I look forward to being enlightened
Fifth time this month
Fourth!
Hey God! Get lost, I mean it
I know you think you mean it
You know, I'm going to give my father a full description
and a composite drawing of you, both before dark
Maybe, he'll be too busy looking for creative ways to ground you
for mouthing off in French class
Are you spying on me?
I'm omniscient Joan, comes with the Job
Ok. So, you're God
Yes
As in - God
Right
Old Testament, Tower of Babel, Burning bush,
Ten Commandments - God
I come off a little friendlier in the new testament
and the Koran but uh, Yeah, same God..
And, I'm supposed to believe you - because?
Because you have a feeling
No, I don't
How about you believe me if I agree to
overlook that promise you didn't keep
What promise?
Let's see. That you would study hard,
stop talking back
clean your room, and even go to church, if I recall,
If I let your brother live
How did you know about that?
Omniscient! Look it up
So - you let my brother live,
and now you're here to collect?
No. I don't bargain. That would be cruel
Ok. So, Lets say you're God
Thank you
I want to ask you some questions
No
No ?
No. As a general rule, I ask the questions
Are you, Are you being snippy with me?
God is snippy
Let me explain something to you Joan
It goes like this: I don't look like this
I don't look like anything you'd recognize
You cant see me. I don't sound like this.
I don't sound like anything you'd recognize
You see I'm beyond your experience
I take this form because you're comfortable with it
It makes sense to you
If I'm snippy with you its
because you understand snippy
Do ya get it?
Sort of
Good, cause I'm really not snippy
I've got a great personality
You'd like me
Uh, I'm not religious you know
It's not about religion Joan.
It's about fulfilling your nature
Oh, Uh, I definitely haven't done that
Exactly
Uh, um well, lets say you're God
Joan, I am God!
Ok, well lets see a miracle
Ok, How bout that?
That's a tree
Lets see you make one
So, do you just go around,
appearing to people?
Um, a minor correction
I'm not appearing to you.
You are seeing me
Ok fine!
Is it kinda weird that I have a crush on you?
I'm not gonna look like this the next time
The next time?
I'm gonna be dropping in on you Joan
Now and then
Why?
Lets just say I need you to do some favors
Why?
Do you notice how I'm not answering any of the whys?
I want you to get a job,
at the Skylight bookstore
Its about 3 bus stops from here
Managers name is Sammy.
Now, He's snippy
Its important you do this pretty soon
Don't ask why
And if I say no? Am I gonna burst into flames?
Where do you people get this stuff?
Have I ever made any body burst into flames?
Do as I ask. I'll see you around
Wait one more thing
Soon! Joan
You in?
Oh no
The Florida Keys
We've always wanted to go there
You always wanted to go there
I hate sand, water and bugs
And I really hate it when they all get together
Ok. How about Canada?
We could do that Rail Thing
Helen, Canada is where people go when
they cant really afford to go on a vacation
Ok, you win. Well go visit my parents
Oh! I don't think I can get away
Really. The job is too new
I'm still on probation as far as this city concerned
We used to always go somewhere for Christmas
Well, thing how it would be for Kevin
Putting him in that same old situation
where he has to look at the difference
He needs to start looking at something, besides MTV
There's no rule that says
he has to bounce back right away?
It's been a year and a half since the accident
If he did something
If he got a job, I think he'd feel better
He would? Or you would?
Hey! We're doing ok
We are?
Your daughter is hallucinating men in the backyard
Couldn't we talk about this some other time?
Yeah Yeah!
The thing about going away for Christmas
Will, is that it would be a start
And we could get up there, and we could see
what the world looks like to us now
I cant think more then a day ahead
because I cant imagine my life,
of my sons life, being the way it is forever
Cant you just be happy he lived?
Of course I can
I'm grateful for that every day
Enter
Hey, What'ya doing?
Rehearsing for my part in a big musical
I'm studying, what else do I do?
No, I won't do your math
No, no, no I don't want you to do my math
I just wanted to, you know, talk
Right
So, you're a science geek right?
I prefer man of science but..
Do you believe in God?
Sure! It's Logical
It is?
If you accept the special theory of relativity
which I do
and the laws of thermo dynamics
which I do
and then you throw in the fact
that life is conscious
which it appears to be, you know,
how can you argue?
Do you think it could be, you know,
just walking around in the world?
Like a person?
Um. Er. You know, it's not
empirically inconsistent
You know because everything is energy
and energy can manifest itself into any form
depending on its rate of vibration
So, God could like vibrate himself into the form
of a really cute guy around my age?
See. I knew there was a guy in this
Yes, or No. Could it happen?
As the great physics Pharaday once said.
Nothing is too wonderful to be true
Hey Girl, ok, so who's the guy?
What guy?
I saw you talking to him after school
Is he from where you used to live?
Cause he is definitely not from around here
Wait you saw him?
Well, you were just standing out there
What did he look like?
Take it easy
You want to know what
your own boyfriend looks like?
He's cute. You hurt my arm
Describe him
Brown hair
Corduroy Jacket
Orlando Bloom-ish
And it looked like you too were having a fight
OH my god. I knew it, you saw him,
he is just a guy
Are you ok?
Yeah, I'm fine
He's not my boyfriend
He's some weirdo who started talking to me on the bus
So, are you going to go out with him?
No. I'm telling you, he's crazy.
Thinks he's god
What else is new?
You fix this
You do something about it right now
It's a lie! They can't just print this lie
It has nothing to do with us Mrs. Dorsett
We released a general statement
Who released it? You? This is my baby girl
Do you realize that?
- Yes, I do
- What's the problem
This is Mrs. Dorsett. Abigail's mother
On T.V. they called her a prostitute
I got this off the Internet
where everyone can see it
This is chief Girardi
Did you do this?
I'm very sorry for your loss
Doesn't it occur to you people
that she was someone's daughter?
Of course it does. We release a general statement
the press often provides the details
Mrs. Dorsett, and for that I am truly sorry
I know what this means, Mr. Girardi
Call her a Hooker,
nobody has to panic.
Nobody has to find who killed her
This was my baby! You find him!
Help for the homeless?
Anything you can give
God bless you
Let me ask you something
What is God thinking?
Excuse me?
What's he thinking? Um
What's he up too?
You know, the parking lot version
Well, it's not really something
I'm prepared to answer
Why not, you got the collar on
Says to the world you got some
sorta handle on it
What you're asking is complicated
Well, give it a shot
Starting with why he lets people suffer?
I'm putting you on the spot
Um, I'm sorry. I'll just be going
He's a father right,
he's supposed to be a father
What father wouldn't fix his kids problems
if he possible could?
And he's master of the universe,
so he's pretty capable
Is he out of ideas?
Is he bored? What?
Ma'am, I can see you're in a spiritual crisis
and if you would like to make an appointment
you could come down to my parish
I would be more then happy to
No, no. I'm sorry
I'm pretty emotional right now
Good luck with the homeless
No, wait. Look, I'll pray for you
Really! What will you say?
Help that emotional woman from the parking lot
Ok. Sure
What part of the fish is this anyway?
I don't want to go there
I'm on a diet
I'm just having cake
Do you want to come sit with us?
Yeah, sure
Well be over there
Hi. Can I get some extra tartar sauce?
Sure you can baby
This is a five star restaurant
How come you didn't get the job?
Excuse me?
I think I made myself clear
I told you that crush thing
wouldn't be a problem
Could we possibly talk about this
somewhere else?
Well just do what I tell you and
we wont have to discuss it
Couldn't be easier
Move along now, your holding up the line
What you need children?
- Hey
- Hey, what's going on? Why are you home?
I took the day off work
What for?
Wow, see how happy they look
Will my teeth be that straight too?
No need to thank me
Thing is, I'm afraid its going to
make me too popular
You could reconsider collage
No. The only reason I was going to
collage was to play baseball
I'm not the brains of the family
Yeah, well there's still so much you could do
Mom! Don't you think I wish I was one of those people
who gets all jazzed about the wheelchair Olympics?
I'm doing ok, considering
Stop trying to make me the worlds best invalid
When you were little,
and I would take you to the park or a store
People would stop you and
tell you how beautiful I was
How special you are
You have this quality, everyone senses it,
and ...
I can't believe your purpose in life is over just
because you lost the ability to walk
Mom
Walking is over rated anyways
Most people try to avoid it
That's why we have so much
traffic and skateboards,
scooters and golf carts and road rage
Because of how much everyone hates walking
When your sister gets home
I want you to talk to her
About what?
She's going through something
Do you think she's cracking up?
No! I think she's going through something
She needs a big brother
That hasn't changed
Hey!
Hey!
Mom wants me to talk to you
To make sure I'm not crazy?
Yep, so, are you crazy
No
Ok, I'm glad we had this talk
Maybe. I don't know
How are you supposed to know?
Is there a sign or a checklist or website?
I guess it's just the usual stuff
Do you believe in U.F.O's?
Do you hear voices?
Are you Michael Jackson?
If voices have people attached
are they still considered voices?
Joan, here's the thing
Mom likes normal
Dad really likes normal
Before my accident
Luke was all they could handle in the freak
for a kid department
Now they've got me
You're their only hope for normal
That's just wrong
But it sounded good though didn't it
I'm sorry. What did I do?
Did you feel that?
Yeah
No - No I can't feel it. No way
You jerk!
I felt that!
Calm down. You're wheezing
Yes you are
Just start over
Is it moving?
Is it breathing?
If its moving and breathing its not dead
Damn it Heidi,
if it's hopping it's really not dead
It's cheerful
I told you we should get a rabbit for a pet
It's not a pet it's food
Heidi, Heidi, don't
Hi, Joan Girardi
I don't sell Harry Potter anything
No, I'm here about the Job
Yeah, the one that you were advertising
Oh sorry, that's for someone
who can see over the counter
Well, I'm 16. I've had lots of jobs
Really?
Name all 4 books in the Alexandria quartet
See, now somebody might
ask you questions like that
And then I'd say I'll look it up in the computer
I'm good with computers
Yeah, everyone's good with computers,
Digital cameras, cell phones, and TiVo
But no one can form an objective
thought to save their lives
Go home, Please
Hiring you would only complicate my life
because I would have to rant
and rave about your shabby education
and I have enough to rant and rave about
Was that your daughter on the phone?
My wife
A grown woman who is hysterical over a sick rabbit
I don't need any more adolescents in my life
Well, if you hire me,
then you can go take care of it
I know how to run a cash register
and I know how to answer the phone
And I can count way past ten
So if you just run along
and take your wife's rabbit to the vet
And when you come back
if I haven't burnt down the store or something
you could hire me
You don't happen to have
any references on you?
No, but I was sent by God
She said, revealing her acerbic wit.
My dad's Will Girardi, he's the chief of police. Really
Don't steal anything
Don't take any checks
don't give any refunds
I will be back at 6
Her name is Lindsay Mitchell
Junior at AHS
Her mother reported her missing
yesterday afternoon
She's been dead about 24 hours
Its the same guy
Same M.O. Foot prints a match
Well, How do you want to handle this?
It's your call
What would you do?
I'd go to medical school like my mother wanted
Yeah, no kidding
Baptism by napalm
You wanna share this?
Is that you?
Come on, your getting wet
You'll catch cold
Look, can we think of some way to do this
You know, like some kind of code word
because that stunt in the cafeteria
was tres un-amusing
I'll give you a ride, my cars right here
Wow, God has a car
Yeah
God has a bad car
God has The Club
You know, I think I'm going to walk
Na, come on
You don't want to do that
- it's cold. It's going to be fine
- No
What the hell are you doing?
Why are you leaving?
There was a man
What, what man?
A man tried to get me in his car
What? What man?
I thought I was going to be home by six
but then the owner was late getting back
I'm sorry I scared you
You go and get a job
Just like that
Without telling any body
You're always bugging Kevin to get one
That's Kevin. You're in school
Some parents would say I was industrious
Some parents haven't seen your report card
And then there was this man,
was kind of following me
What?! You were saving that for later?
I didn't want to upset you
Too late!
Why don't you let me handle this?
Ok, fine. I kinda miss the 50s
I swear there was a man daddy
The same man?
No, a different one
Why are you doing this. Is this some kind of prank?
For attention
Because there is really is someone out there Joan
And if there's a man following you, I need to know
There is. I mean, I think there is
The one earlier,
he turned out to be someone else
But the one tonight, he seemed real
I don't want this to be happening to me dad
What is happening?
You can tell me
What ever it is, we'll deal with it
Joan, I'll get you a doctor,
a counselor, a priest
We'll make it ok
That's my job
Look at me
I'm not going to loose you,
for any reason
Do you understand?
- Night Lieutenant.
- Good night
Chief keeping bankers hours tonight?
He had some family business
He's a funny one isn't he
He's the boss sergeant
G'd night, sir
Osborne, Give me a minute.
What's this?
Guy was doing 60 down Grand View
ran a red light, mouthed off a bit
Decided I'd drag it out, not let him go
You run the check on him?
He's got nothing,
not even a speeding ticket
You let him kick him?
I just thought, he mouthed off,
I teach him a lesson
Let's put him up over night
Sir, for what?
Call it resisting arrest
I want to talk to him in the morning
Ok.
You want to talk to the guy
for running a red light?
Uh, yeah. And I want the chief to be there too
Joan. Joan !
Joan. Hi.
I appreciate what you did
I mean, it was kinda
stupid and you got in trouble
but it was brave and I get your point
I have a point?
My little sister can get a job
I've got no excuse
So, you're shaming me
back into the world
But you're right
It's time. Ah, go back to sleep
I was just calling to let you know
Drug related?
We don't know yet, it's only an hour old
You I.D'd her?
Not yet, no purse or anything. Chief look.
You show up on a call like this the guys are going to think you dont trust them
Yeah, I wouldn't want them to think that
Officer
Did you get a picture of this?
- What?
- Boot print
Osborn! Get over here
Get a photo of that boot print
Yes Sir. Sir the M.E. just arrived
Woa, wait a minute
The medical examiner is just getting here
Yes Sir. Chief
So tell me, she was found with that
blanket already on her?
no sir. she was just lying there,
out in the open
You've contaminated the scene officer.
It's procedure 101
I'm sorry sir
Just go get the M.E.
He's not homicide, he's the officer on parole.
Luck of the draw
He's a cop isn't he? he passed the exam
I get your point and I'm gonna
take care of it
Just to reiterate, you showing up on the scene
on a routine investigation...
Lt. Daghilan, when these investigations become routine
I wont have to show up any more
Joan! Joan!
Joan! I don't want to be late for work!
why have my kids stopped listening to me?
why have my kids stopped listening to me?
Thank You! Mystery solved
Morning
Everything ok?
Aw, there was supposed to be a perk to this position,
like not having to go out in the middle of thenight
Oh, you thought that was police business?
Cute! Joan!
I mean it! Kevin!
Let him sleep
Why?
Mom, you know all that stuff in my room
You know, the candles and the crystals and stuff?
Yeah, don't-don't touch that.
I'm doing this experiment with light.
I want him to go job hunting today Will
Really important experiment
He doesn't know anybody. Give him time to adjust
Life altering stuff
I'm not listening to you Luke
Good to know
We've been here 4 months.
Joan's adjusted, Luke's adjusted
Also good to know
World wont end if he sleeps
another half hour, Helen
Doctor was very specific about this
No preferential treatment. We all agreed
If we treat him special, hell expect
the world to do that
I've heard all the same lectures as you
Ever had a strange feeling that
you are being discussed?
I never get that
Because you're too boring
Yeah-yeah, that's what I'm thinking
I, I put the classifieds there,
and I circled some things
What, No C.E.O positions available?
Just as well
I'd be the only one whose mother
has to drive him to work
You are gonna learn how to drive
UH. I already know how to drive.
That's how this all started
you know what I mean. You ...
never mind
Apparently, you don't have to do anything
So, what you do, is that,
you shoot these photon with a of paper
There's A Pervert In The Yard!
- and a pervert appears in the yard
- What ?
I'm telling you!
Uh, um, if you need any muscle,
just yell
He was standing right here
Looking up at my window. He was here
What did he look like?
I don't know. I couldn't see his face.
He h-He had a dark coat on
Pervert coat?
He was here
Did you notice anything else?
Did you happen to see his shoes?
Oh yeah, I think they were Gucci
It was probably Mr. Sellers. He's always out early
He's overly involved with his gutters
It wasn't Mr. Sellers, and last night
I heard someone calling me
In this weird voice, in my room
Joan, there definitely wasn't anyone
in your room last night
I'm not crazy!
Come eat your breakfast.
You're going to be late for school
Please, excuse Joan from first period.
She was hallucinating
Oh, Shut Up weirdo
Oh, I'm the weirdo?
yeah! You are
Eh, Eh Enough! Lets go eat a
civilized family breakfast
Always good to try something new
I saw him daddy
Come here
Abigail Dorset is the victims name. 18 years old, a run away.
She spent the last couple of nights at a teen shelter
Were still looking for the next of kin
The Victim was sexually assaulted, beaten and strangled. Forensics has determined
that she did not die in the location she was found
Got forensics on the boot print?
Government issue. Probably Army boot
Someone with a military history?
It's possible. Alright, I need you guys to hit all the teen shelters,
find out if there are any missing girls
Hey, How's it going?
That depends, are you following me?
Me, no. Just going to school
You go to my school? I've never seen you before
Well, you know. I keep a low profile
I'm Joan
It's nice to meet you
- Here's the part were you say- your name
- Let's walk this way
In the opposite direction of school.
I don't think so
Joan, I wanna talk to you
Unless I'm missing something, we are talking
I mean, I wanna be honest
Who are you?
I saw you today
Saw me where?
Outside of your house.
Look, I didn't mean to scare you
Wa-wait that was YOU?
That guy was an old guy
Ok, this is the difficult part
I don't always look the same
W-What are you talking about?
What do you want with me?
Cause I gotta warn you, my Dad's a cop
He's not just any cop, he is The Cop
I know who your father is, Joan
He is Will Girardi. Born September 4th 1955, Chicago
His father was Gerald Girardi,
his mother was Alma Monroe
He had an uneventful childhood
Attended Mother Caprini High School
and Morten Junior Collage
After that he joined the police force in 1980
Then he met your mother, one Helen Brodie
She was an art school drop out
You're the middle child of three
About a year and a half ago your older brother,
Kevin, was in a car accident
Fractured his back. Left him a paraplegic
You have one other brother. Luke, who's 15
Your favorite color is green
You love salt on Cantaloupe
Jim Das broke your heart in 8th grade
And, you're afraid of clowns
Who are you?
I've known you since
before you were born, Joan
I'm going to ask you one more time
I am God
You're What?
God
Don't EVER Talk To Me Again
What?
You've attracted the attention of the future Unabomber
What am I supposed to do?
You're on your own
This is the last thing I need
Joan! Joan? -
Pouvez-vous lire le paragraphe suivant s'il vous plait ?
Can you read the next paragraph please?
- I don't think so
- Non? Pourquois Pas?
Pourquois I - don't speak French
Marlene? Did you see this excuse slip
for Marty Wilkens?
Maybe
Don't you think his mother, who's a lawyer,
would know how to spell either sore or throat.
She'd get one of them right
I'll call him in after lunch.
Oh, look who's here
Joan ?
Mom. Apparently I'm getting some kind of award
Oh really? Most likely to end up in Big Rig School?
A lot of people would consider you working here
a conflict of interest
That's fascinating
Ah Miss Girardi. Let's have a chat
This was really just a misunderstanding
Well I look forward to being enlightened
Fifth time this month
Fourth!
Hey God! Get lost, I mean it
I know you think you mean it
You know, I'm going to give my father a full description
and a composite drawing of you, both before dark
Maybe, he'll be too busy looking for creative ways to ground you
for mouthing off in French class
Are you spying on me?
I'm omniscient Joan, comes with the Job
Ok. So, you're God
Yes
As in - God
Right
Old Testament, Tower of Babel, Burning bush,
Ten Commandments - God
I come off a little friendlier in the new testament
and the Koran but uh, Yeah, same God..
And, I'm supposed to believe you - because?
Because you have a feeling
No, I don't
How about you believe me if I agree to
overlook that promise you didn't keep
What promise?
Let's see. That you would study hard,
stop talking back
clean your room, and even go to church, if I recall,
If I let your brother live
How did you know about that?
Omniscient! Look it up
So - you let my brother live,
and now you're here to collect?
No. I don't bargain. That would be cruel
Ok. So, Lets say you're God
Thank you
I want to ask you some questions
No
No ?
No. As a general rule, I ask the questions
Are you, Are you being snippy with me?
God is snippy
Let me explain something to you Joan
It goes like this: I don't look like this
I don't look like anything you'd recognize
You cant see me. I don't sound like this.
I don't sound like anything you'd recognize
You see I'm beyond your experience
I take this form because you're comfortable with it
It makes sense to you
If I'm snippy with you its
because you understand snippy
Do ya get it?
Sort of
Good, cause I'm really not snippy
I've got a great personality
You'd like me
Uh, I'm not religious you know
It's not about religion Joan.
It's about fulfilling your nature
Oh, Uh, I definitely haven't done that
Exactly
Uh, um well, lets say you're God
Joan, I am God!
Ok, well lets see a miracle
Ok, How bout that?
That's a tree
Lets see you make one
So, do you just go around,
appearing to people?
Um, a minor correction
I'm not appearing to you.
You are seeing me
Ok fine!
Is it kinda weird that I have a crush on you?
I'm not gonna look like this the next time
The next time?
I'm gonna be dropping in on you Joan
Now and then
Why?
Lets just say I need you to do some favors
Why?
Do you notice how I'm not answering any of the whys?
I want you to get a job,
at the Skylight bookstore
Its about 3 bus stops from here
Managers name is Sammy.
Now, He's snippy
Its important you do this pretty soon
Don't ask why
And if I say no? Am I gonna burst into flames?
Where do you people get this stuff?
Have I ever made any body burst into flames?
Do as I ask. I'll see you around
Wait one more thing
Soon! Joan
You in?
Oh no
The Florida Keys
We've always wanted to go there
You always wanted to go there
I hate sand, water and bugs
And I really hate it when they all get together
Ok. How about Canada?
We could do that Rail Thing
Helen, Canada is where people go when
they cant really afford to go on a vacation
Ok, you win. Well go visit my parents
Oh! I don't think I can get away
Really. The job is too new
I'm still on probation as far as this city concerned
We used to always go somewhere for Christmas
Well, thing how it would be for Kevin
Putting him in that same old situation
where he has to look at the difference
He needs to start looking at something, besides MTV
There's no rule that says
he has to bounce back right away?
It's been a year and a half since the accident
If he did something
If he got a job, I think he'd feel better
He would? Or you would?
Hey! We're doing ok
We are?
Your daughter is hallucinating men in the backyard
Couldn't we talk about this some other time?
Yeah Yeah!
The thing about going away for Christmas
Will, is that it would be a start
And we could get up there, and we could see
what the world looks like to us now
I cant think more then a day ahead
because I cant imagine my life,
of my sons life, being the way it is forever
Cant you just be happy he lived?
Of course I can
I'm grateful for that every day
Enter
Hey, What'ya doing?
Rehearsing for my part in a big musical
I'm studying, what else do I do?
No, I won't do your math
No, no, no I don't want you to do my math
I just wanted to, you know, talk
Right
So, you're a science geek right?
I prefer man of science but..
Do you believe in God?
Sure! It's Logical
It is?
If you accept the special theory of relativity
which I do
and the laws of thermo dynamics
which I do
and then you throw in the fact
that life is conscious
which it appears to be, you know,
how can you argue?
Do you think it could be, you know,
just walking around in the world?
Like a person?
Um. Er. You know, it's not
empirically inconsistent
You know because everything is energy
and energy can manifest itself into any form
depending on its rate of vibration
So, God could like vibrate himself into the form
of a really cute guy around my age?
See. I knew there was a guy in this
Yes, or No. Could it happen?
As the great physics Pharaday once said.
Nothing is too wonderful to be true
Hey Girl, ok, so who's the guy?
What guy?
I saw you talking to him after school
Is he from where you used to live?
Cause he is definitely not from around here
Wait you saw him?
Well, you were just standing out there
What did he look like?
Take it easy
You want to know what
your own boyfriend looks like?
He's cute. You hurt my arm
Describe him
Brown hair
Corduroy Jacket
Orlando Bloom-ish
And it looked like you too were having a fight
OH my god. I knew it, you saw him,
he is just a guy
Are you ok?
Yeah, I'm fine
He's not my boyfriend
He's some weirdo who started talking to me on the bus
So, are you going to go out with him?
No. I'm telling you, he's crazy.
Thinks he's god
What else is new?
You fix this
You do something about it right now
It's a lie! They can't just print this lie
It has nothing to do with us Mrs. Dorsett
We released a general statement
Who released it? You? This is my baby girl
Do you realize that?
- Yes, I do
- What's the problem
This is Mrs. Dorsett. Abigail's mother
On T.V. they called her a prostitute
I got this off the Internet
where everyone can see it
This is chief Girardi
Did you do this?
I'm very sorry for your loss
Doesn't it occur to you people
that she was someone's daughter?
Of course it does. We release a general statement
the press often provides the details
Mrs. Dorsett, and for that I am truly sorry
I know what this means, Mr. Girardi
Call her a Hooker,
nobody has to panic.
Nobody has to find who killed her
This was my baby! You find him!
Help for the homeless?
Anything you can give
God bless you
Let me ask you something
What is God thinking?
Excuse me?
What's he thinking? Um
What's he up too?
You know, the parking lot version
Well, it's not really something
I'm prepared to answer
Why not, you got the collar on
Says to the world you got some
sorta handle on it
What you're asking is complicated
Well, give it a shot
Starting with why he lets people suffer?
I'm putting you on the spot
Um, I'm sorry. I'll just be going
He's a father right,
he's supposed to be a father
What father wouldn't fix his kids problems
if he possible could?
And he's master of the universe,
so he's pretty capable
Is he out of ideas?
Is he bored? What?
Ma'am, I can see you're in a spiritual crisis
and if you would like to make an appointment
you could come down to my parish
I would be more then happy to
No, no. I'm sorry
I'm pretty emotional right now
Good luck with the homeless
No, wait. Look, I'll pray for you
Really! What will you say?
Help that emotional woman from the parking lot
Ok. Sure
What part of the fish is this anyway?
I don't want to go there
I'm on a diet
I'm just having cake
Do you want to come sit with us?
Yeah, sure
Well be over there
Hi. Can I get some extra tartar sauce?
Sure you can baby
This is a five star restaurant
How come you didn't get the job?
Excuse me?
I think I made myself clear
I told you that crush thing
wouldn't be a problem
Could we possibly talk about this
somewhere else?
Well just do what I tell you and
we wont have to discuss it
Couldn't be easier
Move along now, your holding up the line
What you need children?
- Hey
- Hey, what's going on? Why are you home?
I took the day off work
What for?
Wow, see how happy they look
Will my teeth be that straight too?
No need to thank me
Thing is, I'm afraid its going to
make me too popular
You could reconsider collage
No. The only reason I was going to
collage was to play baseball
I'm not the brains of the family
Yeah, well there's still so much you could do
Mom! Don't you think I wish I was one of those people
who gets all jazzed about the wheelchair Olympics?
I'm doing ok, considering
Stop trying to make me the worlds best invalid
When you were little,
and I would take you to the park or a store
People would stop you and
tell you how beautiful I was
How special you are
You have this quality, everyone senses it,
and ...
I can't believe your purpose in life is over just
because you lost the ability to walk
Mom
Walking is over rated anyways
Most people try to avoid it
That's why we have so much
traffic and skateboards,
scooters and golf carts and road rage
Because of how much everyone hates walking
When your sister gets home
I want you to talk to her
About what?
She's going through something
Do you think she's cracking up?
No! I think she's going through something
She needs a big brother
That hasn't changed
Hey!
Hey!
Mom wants me to talk to you
To make sure I'm not crazy?
Yep, so, are you crazy
No
Ok, I'm glad we had this talk
Maybe. I don't know
How are you supposed to know?
Is there a sign or a checklist or website?
I guess it's just the usual stuff
Do you believe in U.F.O's?
Do you hear voices?
Are you Michael Jackson?
If voices have people attached
are they still considered voices?
Joan, here's the thing
Mom likes normal
Dad really likes normal
Before my accident
Luke was all they could handle in the freak
for a kid department
Now they've got me
You're their only hope for normal
That's just wrong
But it sounded good though didn't it
I'm sorry. What did I do?
Did you feel that?
Yeah
No - No I can't feel it. No way
You jerk!
I felt that!
Calm down. You're wheezing
Yes you are
Just start over
Is it moving?
Is it breathing?
If its moving and breathing its not dead
Damn it Heidi,
if it's hopping it's really not dead
It's cheerful
I told you we should get a rabbit for a pet
It's not a pet it's food
Heidi, Heidi, don't
Hi, Joan Girardi
I don't sell Harry Potter anything
No, I'm here about the Job
Yeah, the one that you were advertising
Oh sorry, that's for someone
who can see over the counter
Well, I'm 16. I've had lots of jobs
Really?
Name all 4 books in the Alexandria quartet
See, now somebody might
ask you questions like that
And then I'd say I'll look it up in the computer
I'm good with computers
Yeah, everyone's good with computers,
Digital cameras, cell phones, and TiVo
But no one can form an objective
thought to save their lives
Go home, Please
Hiring you would only complicate my life
because I would have to rant
and rave about your shabby education
and I have enough to rant and rave about
Was that your daughter on the phone?
My wife
A grown woman who is hysterical over a sick rabbit
I don't need any more adolescents in my life
Well, if you hire me,
then you can go take care of it
I know how to run a cash register
and I know how to answer the phone
And I can count way past ten
So if you just run along
and take your wife's rabbit to the vet
And when you come back
if I haven't burnt down the store or something
you could hire me
You don't happen to have
any references on you?
No, but I was sent by God
She said, revealing her acerbic wit.
My dad's Will Girardi, he's the chief of police. Really
Don't steal anything
Don't take any checks
don't give any refunds
I will be back at 6
Her name is Lindsay Mitchell
Junior at AHS
Her mother reported her missing
yesterday afternoon
She's been dead about 24 hours
Its the same guy
Same M.O. Foot prints a match
Well, How do you want to handle this?
It's your call
What would you do?
I'd go to medical school like my mother wanted
Yeah, no kidding
Baptism by napalm
You wanna share this?
Is that you?
Come on, your getting wet
You'll catch cold
Look, can we think of some way to do this
You know, like some kind of code word
because that stunt in the cafeteria
was tres un-amusing
I'll give you a ride, my cars right here
Wow, God has a car
Yeah
God has a bad car
God has The Club
You know, I think I'm going to walk
Na, come on
You don't want to do that
- it's cold. It's going to be fine
- No
What the hell are you doing?
Why are you leaving?
There was a man
What, what man?
A man tried to get me in his car
What? What man?
I thought I was going to be home by six
but then the owner was late getting back
I'm sorry I scared you
You go and get a job
Just like that
Without telling any body
You're always bugging Kevin to get one
That's Kevin. You're in school
Some parents would say I was industrious
Some parents haven't seen your report card
And then there was this man,
was kind of following me
What?! You were saving that for later?
I didn't want to upset you
Too late!
Why don't you let me handle this?
Ok, fine. I kinda miss the 50s
I swear there was a man daddy
The same man?
No, a different one
Why are you doing this. Is this some kind of prank?
For attention
Because there is really is someone out there Joan
And if there's a man following you, I need to know
There is. I mean, I think there is
The one earlier,
he turned out to be someone else
But the one tonight, he seemed real
I don't want this to be happening to me dad
What is happening?
You can tell me
What ever it is, we'll deal with it
Joan, I'll get you a doctor,
a counselor, a priest
We'll make it ok
That's my job
Look at me
I'm not going to loose you,
for any reason
Do you understand?
- Night Lieutenant.
- Good night
Chief keeping bankers hours tonight?
He had some family business
He's a funny one isn't he
He's the boss sergeant
G'd night, sir
Osborne, Give me a minute.
What's this?
Guy was doing 60 down Grand View
ran a red light, mouthed off a bit
Decided I'd drag it out, not let him go
You run the check on him?
He's got nothing,
not even a speeding ticket
You let him kick him?
I just thought, he mouthed off,
I teach him a lesson
Let's put him up over night
Sir, for what?
Call it resisting arrest
I want to talk to him in the morning
Ok.
You want to talk to the guy
for running a red light?
Uh, yeah. And I want the chief to be there too
Joan. Joan !
Joan. Hi.
I appreciate what you did
I mean, it was kinda
stupid and you got in trouble
but it was brave and I get your point
I have a point?
My little sister can get a job
I've got no excuse
So, you're shaming me
back into the world
But you're right
It's time. Ah, go back to sleep