Jimmy Kimmel Live! (2003–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Episode #1.7 - full transcript

Dicky: From Hollywood, it's
"Jimmy Kimmel live"!

Tonight --
Melissa McCarthy,

Dennis Miller,
and music from

the milk carton kids.
And now, for the most part,

Jimmy Kimmel!
[ Cheers and applause ]

Jimmy: Hello, thank you.

Very nice.
Thank you.

Hi, everyone.
I'm Jimmy, I'm the host of the

Thank you for watching.

Thank you for coming.
Very kind.

I'll tell you something -- I
apologize for my voice.

I don't know about you, but --
[ Cheers ]

That's very kind.
I was exhausted.

I was up so late last night
watching the results of the

That's how you know the tension

in this country is high.
I'm up at 4:00 in the morning

going, when the hell are they
going to mountains who won

Montana senate?
[ Laughter ]

I watched a lot of cable news
last night and I saw all manner

of interesting things, starting
with Nancy pelosi, who will

presumably return as speaker
after the democrats retook the

Last night Nancy pelosi gave

what turned out to be a most
unusual victory speech.

It's about stopping the gop
and Mitch McConnell's assaults

on medicare, medicaid, the
affordable care act, the health

care of 130 million Americans
living with pre-existing medical

Let's hear it more for

pre-existing medical conditions!

Jimmy: Oh, okay.
When I say dia, you say betes!

Dia -- betes!
Like a college dropout moving

back in with mom and dad, they
regained the house.

It wasn't so much a blue wave as
it was a red flush.

That was in the house.
That was in the house.

In the senate it was a strong
night for Republicans and Mitch

McConnell partied well into the
wee hours of the morning.

Jimmy: He ate two heads of
lettuce and passed out.

Democrats get the house,
Republicans keep the senate.

Which means a divided
government, which means more

gridlock in Washington, which is
usually a bad thing.

Now I find myself actually
rooting for congress to get

nothing done.
One of the most reserve more

popular candidates was beto
o'Rourke, the Texas newcomer --

[ cheers and applause ]
Who lost his race to Ted Cruz.

But won the award for
outstanding expletive in a

concession speech.
Not a dime from a single pac.

All people all the time.
In every single part of Texas.

All of you showing the country
how you do this.

I'm so [ Bleep ] proud of you

[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

Jimmy: About two minutes
after beto lost, people started

running him for president.
Which I like beto, I could see

his appeal.
But everyone needs to calm down.

He just lost to Ted Cruz, the
least-charismatic man on the

[ Laughter ]

Donald Trump crushed Ted Cruz.
As far as running for the

president, beto's not off to a
roaring start.

Hey this guy just lost, let's
put our money on him!

[ Laughter ]
This is good too.

This is from Indiana's newly
elected senator, Mike braun.

We all need to -- we all
believe that we've got to put

some type of security on our
Southern border.

We all know that we need to
start balancing our budgets.

It's just going to take I think
guys and ladies like me that

have done things in the real
world, or else we're not going

to solve those problems.
Jimmy: Wait a minute.

That's a lady?
[ Laughter ]

No, I don't -- I hate to be
shallow, but she's not very

[ Laughter ]

And of course, no election would
be complete without a recount in

Bill Nelson, the democrat, is

calling for a recount in the
Senate Race.

In Georgia, Stacey Abrams has
yet to concede the race for

She's hoping for a runoff

against Brian kemp.
Unfortunately for her, Brian

kemp also happens to be the
Georgia secretary of state.

Which means he's in charge of 87
seeing his own election.

That must be nice.
After careful consideration, I

rule in favor of me.
[ Laughter ]

You know, yesterday my office,
watching CNN with the sound off,

I started playing a game.
When they put the pictures of

the candidates up on the screen
side by side, we guessed which

one was the republican, which
was the democrat.

It's not as easy as you might

You want to try it?
All right, here we go.

Guess the candidate's party.
It's a party game, all right?

First up, all right, here, which
one is the republican?

Here or here?
I don't know right, I'm not a

Is this the republican?

Let's find out.
That is the republican.

You see, it's hard.
Which one is the democrat?

Is this the democrat?
Let's find out.

That's the republican.
All right.

Next, which one is the

Is this the republican?
All right.

Yes, it is.
Well, all right.

Wow, you're bad at this.
[ Laughter ]

Which one is the democrat?
Is this the democrat?

That is right, that is the

Next, which is the republican?
Is this the republican?

Let's see.
Yes, that's correct.

And I think we have one more.
Which is the democrat here?

Is this the democrat?
That is right, that's Jackie

rosen, she won the senate in

This is the most
republican-looking man in the

history of the world.
[ Laughter ]

You know, despite losing control
of the house, our president took

a victory lap last night.
He called the results very close

to a complete victory for

In the same way the world series

was very close to complete
victory for the Dodgers.

[ Laughter ]
I mean, other than games one,

two, four, and five, they
crushed it, they won.

Trump did some heavy-duty
tweeting with those adorable

little orange nubs of his.
This is interesting.

Look at the times on these

This one, 1:27 A.M.
next one, 1:49 A.M.

And then next one, 6:21 A.M.
it's like he tweeted himself

[ Laughter ]

Then woke up four hours later
and went right back at it.

The president was in a foul and
spiteful way this morning.

His first order of business?
Calling out all the republican

losers who didn't embrace him.
You had some that decided to,

let's stay away.
Let's stay away.

They did very poorly.
I'm not sure that I should be

happy or sad.
But I feel just fine about it.

Carlos cubela.
Mike kofman.

Too bad, Mike.
Mia love gave me no love.

And she lost.
Too bad.

Sorry about that Mia.
[ Laughter ]

Jimmy: He is an absolute

He really is.
[ Laughter ]

Trump also got in a nasty back
and forth with costa of CNN that

at times felt like it might turn
into a wrestling match.

They're hundreds and hundreds
of miles away, that's not an

invasion --
honestly, I think you should

let me run the country, you run

If you did it well, your ratings
would be much better --

Mr. President, if I may
ask --

that's enough, that's enough.
Mr. President --

that's enough.
The other folks --

that's enough.
Pardon me, ma'am -- Mr.

President --
that's enough.

May I ask on the Russia
investigation, are you concerned

that you may have --
I'm not concerned about

anything with an investigation
because it's a hoax.

That's enough, put down the

Mr. President, are you
worried about indictments coming

down in this investigation?
Mr. President?

I tell you what, kcnn
shoulding ashamed of itself

having you working for them.
You are a rude, terrible person.

You shouldn't be working for

Go ahead.
I think that's --

you're a very rude person,
the way you treat Sarah huckabee

is horrible.
The way you treat other people

are horrible.
You shouldn't treat people that

In Jim's defense, I traveled

with him, he's a diligent
reporter --

I'm not a big fan of yours
either, to be honest.

Let me ask you a question if
I can -- p

you aren't the best.
Jimmy: Did somebody not get

his snickers bar this morning?
[ Laughter ]

If Donald Trump ever ends up on
money, it should be a sockful of

nickels he used to beat people

Despite claiming victory the
president was in quite a mood

and he wasn't just mad at Jim
acosta, he lashed out at just

about everybody.
Sit down, please.

I didn't call you.
I didn't call you.

I didn't call you.

You rudely interrupted him.
I don't know why you'd say that,

such a racist question.
Excuse me.

Would you please sit down.
Please go ahead.

Sit down, please.
Thank you very much.

Why are you pitting Americans
against one another?

Peter, are you trying to be

It's unfair to the country --
give him the Mike, please,

I've answered the question.
Excuse me.

You are not called on.
No, that's enough.

What's your next question?
Go ahead.

Come on, let's go.
More exciting question than

that, please.


Go ahead.
What kind of a question is that?

Just asking, just curious --
a comedian here.

Who are you from?
Yahoo! News.

Good, I hope they're doing well.

See, when you talk about
division, it's people like this.

Jimmy: I hope someone had the
sense to hide the nuclear button

[ Laughter ]

Put it under a cup or something.
And on top of all this, Trump

fired Jeff sessions today.
In the wake of democrats winning

the house and the threat of s&ps
for Trump's records hovering

over his beautiful head,
sessions was forced to resign as

Attorney General this morning.
That's him exiting the building,

leaving the department of
justice to go back to live in

his hollow tree.
[ Laughter ]

In a letter to the president,
sessions wrote, at your request

I am submitting my resignation,
which is a formal way of saying,

f-u for firing me.
And in the letter he said, he

operated with integrity and
strove to uphold the rule of

And Trump was like, yeah, why do

you think I fired you?
[ Laughter ]

I didn't want that.
By the way, Trump didn't even

fire him, he had his chief of
staff, John Kelly, do it.

You know, the one and only thing
Trump is good at is firing

[ Laughter ]

And he can't even do that, it's

Of course the president was
unhappy with sessions for

recusing himself in the Russia

You know how it goes.
You recuse, you lose, right,

[ Laughter ]

So now they passed over rod
Rosenstein, the deputy attorney

general, they put a guy in
there, this guy wrote an op-ed

critical of the Mueller

That man will now be overseeing
the Mueller investigation.

Okay, Bob Mueller, time to snort
some Adderall and get that

report done asap, you

[ Cheers and applause ]
We've waited long enough.

Here in California, we have a
new governor.

Governor-elect Gavin newsom is
our new governor.

He was lieutenant governor, he
was mayor of San Francisco.

I don't know how I didn't know
this until today, but Gavin

newsom was also once married to
former fox news host Kimberly

They possessed for this

fantastic photograph together.
[ Laughter ]

For "Harper's bazaar" magazine.
Looks like she just got voted

off "dancing with the stars."
Now the reason this is

particularly interesting,
besides the fact that he's

ultra-liberal and she's some
kind of a fox bot, is because

Kimberly guilfoyle is currently
dating none other than djtj,

Donald Trump.
She must have a thing for

slicked-back hair.
What lady doesn't, I guess.

But you know what I'm saying.
Back to the election.

It was a historic day up and
down the ballot.

In Colorado, Jared pullis
becomes the first openly gay man

to become governor of that

[ Cheers and applause ]
I tell you something, if I was

governor, my first official act
would be to order that

homophobic baker to make a cake
for my victory party.

[ Laughter ]
Nationally, 96 women were

elected to the house of

Which --
[ Cheers and applause ]

That is obviously a record

number, 96.
It's also Donald and melania's

favorite sexual position.
[ Rim shot ]

Think about it.
[ Laughter ]

There were so many historic
firsts last night.

The first native American
lesbian elected to congress.

The first Muslim women elected
to congress.

And guess what?
Mike pence is going to have to

swear them all in.

[ cheers and applause ]
Actually, there were two native

American women elected to

One of them is sharise Davids.
And if you're Donald Trump,

sharise Davids is your worst

A lesbian native American former
MMA fighter who's been watching

you call Elizabeth Warren
pocahontas for two years now and

could beat your ass if she
wanted to.

[ Laughter ]
In Nevada another bit of

In Nevada they elected the first

dead brothel owner to the state

For real.
What a time to be alive, right?

[ Laughter ]
Or dead, I guess.

Dennis hoff, who is kind of a
famous guy.

He owned multiple infamous
brothels, including the bunny

Won a spot in the Nevada state

assembly, despite the fact that
he died last month.

You know, sometimes the weekend
at Bernie's movies write

[ Laughter ]

This district is so republican
that rather than a democrat,

they voted for a horny ghost.
[ Laughter ]

It must be a weird feeling to
lose an election to a dead pimp.

We tracked down Dennis hoff's
opponent, Lisa Romanoff, an

educator, assistant principal at
a school in Las Vegas, joining

us live very Cisco.
Hello, Lisa, how are you?

[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Lisa, first of all,
I'm sorry for your loss.

I would imagine it came as quite
a shock.

Yes and no.
We kind of expected, after he

passed, it kind of messed up the

Jimmy: Yeah.
Especially for him, really.

[ Laughter ]
Well, he wasn't doing a great

job, but you know.
Jimmy: When that happened,

did you feel like maybe you had
it in the bag?

Actually, when we found that

out, a lot of Republicans had
said they would support us

because they in no way wanted
him up in the legislature.

Jimmy: I see.
So when he died, we knew

immediately that we would have a
lot of Republicans jumping ship.

Jimmy: So his death was the
key to his victory.

And crazy as that sounds, yes.

Jimmy: Did you try a poster
that said "I'm not dead" or

something like that?
[ Laughter ]

We didn't.
You know, once he died, it was

pretty difficult.
A lot of our literature we could

no longer use.
It's in bad taste to put up

stuff like this.
Jimmy: Right.

[ Laughter ]
So we had to stop the

[ Cheers and applause ]

Jimmy: Thank you, Lisa.
Better luck next time.

One more thing, I want to
congratulate Katie hill, who was

elected to congress not far from
here in California's 25th

Not only did she win, Katie

unwittingly provided us with
last night's "midterm election

unintentional joke of the day."
Over and over again, over the

last few days, I've had people
who have said thank you for

sending your knockers to my

[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: Thank you, Katie.

Tonight on the show, we have
music from the milk carton kids.

Dennis Miller is here.
And we'll be right back with

Melissa McCarthy.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Jimmy: Hi, there.

Tonight, you know him from snl
and mnf.

He has a new comedy special
called "fake news, real jokes."

Dennis Miller is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Then, this is their latest

It's called "all the things that
I did and all the things that I

didn't do."
The milk carton kids from the

Mercedes-Benz stage.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Tomorrow night, Anthony Anderson
and Sebastian Stan will join us,

and we'll have music from Jeff
goldblum featuring Haley

Please join us for that too.

Our first guest tonight is an
Oscar-nominated movie star,

two-time Emmy winner and
many-time spicer.

Her new movie is the
critically-acclaimed real-life

story, "can you ever forgive

It's in theatres now.
Please say hello to Melissa

[ Cheers and applause ]

Jimmy: How are you?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you so much!
Jimmy: Now I realize I'm

being rude.
I'm not ogling.

I'm looking at the cats.
Those are cats.

My dazzling of cats.
Jimmy: That is quite a vest.

Thank you.
Jimmy: Did Debbie Reynolds

have an estate sale?
[ Laughter ]

Oh, god.
I don't know the lineage, but if

that -- I bought it off of etsy
from a lovely woman in Columbus,

Jimmy: Wow.

I'm going to start lying and
saying, Debbie Reynolds' estate

gave to it me from Columbus,

Jimmy: Tell people you paid
$27,000 for it, it's swarovski.

Are you an etsy regular?
Do you like etsy?

I got a bit of a problem with

Jimmy: Do you really?
[ Laughter ]

Like it's a little -- like at

some point, you know Ben, my
lovely husband.

Jimmy: Ben Falcone.
Very mellow, lovely guy.

It's the only thing he's ever
really been like, that's

probably enough.
Jimmy: Oh, really.

[ Laughter ]
Every day, it's a box from

And I have no idea.

I'm like, it's a brass bull!
What do we do with it?

Jimmy: How do you find the

Are you specifically looking for
a brass bull?

[ Laughter ]

Jimmy: Sometimes, yes.
And I just recently reviewed

my history.
Jimmy: You did?

It's truly like what they
make like on a crime network,

it's like that means I'm crazy.
Jimmy: What's in there?

So many umbrella stands.
Jimmy: What?

Weird like old --
Jimmy: Up Bella stands?

Jimmy: Do you have a lot of

There's like four, like an

One looks like a Spanish

conquistador's boot.
That's hilarious!

[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: Wow.

Lots of tdecanters.
Lots of rugs.

Jimmy: You have to be careful
with umbrella stands.

People come to your house, they
see that you have more than one

umbrella stand, they're going to
think, she collects umbrella

stands, this could be a great
thing to get her.

That would be great!
Jimmy: Oh, you're okay with

I got a letter from customs,

they wanted to know what my
involvement was with Morocco.

[ Laughter ]
And I was like, oh!

Jimmy: What is your
involvement with Morocco?

None of ya business.
[ Laughter ]

No, we were moving into a house
and I just was like, look at the

Look at the rugs!

And it was like 2:30 in the

Then like eight rugs would show

And I was like, I don't remember
that one at all.

[ Laughter ]
I get like an etsy blackout.

But then I get it and I'm
actually really delighted.

It sounds like I'm a crazy

I'm not!
Jimmy: Not yet you are,

you're too young to abhorreder.
In about 20 years you will be a

Ben's like, where are you?

Jimmy: Behind the umbrella

Did you vote yesterday?

I did.
Jimmy: I would love it if you

said, no, I did not.
I don't know.

An election?
I had to vote.

Jimmy: Did you go in person
and do it?

Yes, what do I, send my
doppel --

Jimmy: I mailed mine.
I like to go.

I like to go I like to be a part
of it, even though it makes

me -- I get strangely nervous.
Jimmy: I feel the same way.

Do you?
Jimmy: I feel like I'm going

to punch the wrong hole.
I feel I'm going to put in

everything I don't want.
A little bit like when a cop

passes you and you're like, oh,

And I don't know why that

It's not like I have a trunkload
of cocaine.

I don't know why I get weirdly
nervous when a police officer

passes and then I do -- like I
get weirder so I do look

Jimmy: I think it means you

were raised well.
Like with kind of a fear of -- a

healthy amount of fear.
Raised by nuns.

Jimmy: It was the nuns that
did it to you for sure.

I think I have a little
flashback to, voting might be

the standardized test where you
had to --

Jimmy: Fill in the things.
Your number 2, and somebody's

like, you used number 1, you got
them all wrong.

I thought number 2 was a thing

we called them, I didn't know
that there's a number 2.

Jimmy: Oh, yes.
2 1/2.

I've heard tale you can get 3 on
etsy if you look hard enough.

[ Laughter ]
Oh, god.

I especially get nervous putting
it in.

Like I don't know why.
There's a very nice man, rio

vista elementary school.
Jimmy: Oh, really.

Yes, I was.
Putting it into the machine,

which like -- it's not like I've
only done it once.

I've done this -- I'm almost 30.
[ Laughter ]

But every time I go to put it
into the machine I'm like, I

don't know, do I -- I don't want
to -- do I -- he's like, just

put it in, top side.
I'm like, this top?

This top or that top?
He's like, there's only one top.

Clearly there's a top and I know
there's a top, yet I'm like,

which top, which top?
Then I got really rattled about

face down, face up?
He was like, just exactly how

you're holding it, put it in.
I was like, so like that?

[ Laughter ]
I flipped it skin verted it.

He was like, no, you had it

I put it back to the right way.
Jimmy: Ike lure making a

I made a move for it, he was

like, no, no, no, no!
I turned it again.

He was like, turn it back.
Like it took a really weird --

and I got like flushed.
I'm sure he's like, there was

this batty lady.
Jimmy: I bet you every single

person that came through did
that same thing.

Because if you really know how
to do it, it means you've

probably been voting illegally
over and over again.

[ Laughter ]
Those are the people you've got

to -- that I want them to watch
out for, the ones who seem to

know exactly what they're doing.
We should all be really

nervous about it.
Jimmy: We got Russians in our

audience, we have to be really

[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

Melissa McCarthy is here.
The movie is called "can you

ever forgive me?"
We'll see a little of that when

we come back.
Dicky: Portions of "Jimmy

Kimmel live" brought to you by

That's more than I just made.

I just sold a little coke.

Right here?
Be some just left.

Keep me away from your seedy

Hello, ladies.
I resent that.

May I ask how sweet your
silver roll is?

If you don't like it, I'll eat


Yeah, I'll have a coffee.
Jimmy: That is Melissa

McCarthy in "can you ever
forgive me?"

By the way, you were fantastic.
Really, you did an amazing job.

Thank you.
Jimmy: I don't know if you

know, you have 100% on rotten
tomatoes with the top critics.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Jimmy: That's not a Donald
Trump statistic, that's actually

from -- that's the information
we read on the site.

So it's factual.
That's unusual.

Jimmy: A funny moment.
It's mostly dramatic, this film.

It is.
Jimmy: Based on a true story.

It is, it's based on Lee
Israel, a biography writer, had

done well for herself for the
'70s and '80s, then fell on hard

times and was told she's

She's also a very prickly,
difficult person.

Caustic is kind of a gentle --
Jimmy: Insulated, surrounded

by -- what was she, she had a
cat, really.

A cat.
It's theme mattic, guys.

Jimmy: The cat's not a person
but the cat is the only thing

she really --
kind of like the only thing

she loved, probably the only
thing that loved her back.

Jimmy: It's a crazy story.
Of how she made money.

She couldn't write anymore.
So she started forging letters

from like Dorothy Parker, Noel
coward, all these amazing

She wasn't making a lot from it

but she sold 400-some over the
course of a year, was selling

them to antiquities and book
dealers, then got caught by the

FBI and was convicted.
Jimmy: She would match up the

She all these different

typewriters, it became this
whole thing.

She really was an amazing

Jimmy: She was living in new
York at that time.

This happened in the '90s.
When she falls on hard times

is in the '90s.
I felt like I was a little

disappointed I didn't know who
she was, because I was in new

York in the '90s, '96, '97.
Jimmy: What was going on with

you at that time?
Wearing cat vests.

[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: It's before etsy, how

did you get hold of them?
I went right to the source.

Jimmy: Break into people's
homes, yeah.

I was -- god, working --
always probably three jobs.

Just like scrapping so much.
Like we should not have been

living there.
I had no money.

I was like, I can get credit

You didn't have to back it up.
At 20 I was like, this is

They just give me cards!

No thought about like you have
to pay them back.

Jimmy: That is true.
No cash, just go out.

Jimmy: Would your parents
bail you out?

They did.
Jimmy: How are your parents

They're so good.

Jimmy: I have a picture.
I'd love you to tell the story

before I show it.
Oh, god.

My parents came up to New York.
Mike and Sandy.

For the premiere of "can you
ever forgive me?"

You know, they've met people.
They're like, that's neat.

When I said I was doing your
show, they're like, does Jimmy

need us to come back?
I'm like, easy, easy, guys.

Jimmy: You're welcome any
time, they are welcome.

So they are very sweet.
So they don't get crazy about

Judge Judy was at our premiere.

And my parents went bat
[ Bleep ].

[ Laughter ]
I'm not kidding.

My dad was like, oh my god!
Oh my god!

Judge -- judge -- judge Judy,

And my mom was like, oh!

Look at the grip of death.
[ Laughter ]

It looks like my mom's maybe
holding a gun on her in the

[ Laughter ]

They were so -- look at how
happy she is.

Look at that.
By the way, judge Judy is

Jimmy: She is very nice,

judge Judy.
She's such a hoot.

Jimmy: Your mother's about to
twist her into a balloon animal.

[ Laughter ]
Oh my god.

I was like, let judge Judy go!
Let her go!

My other friend that never cares
who's in the room, he lost his

Jimmy: For judge Judy?

Yes, my friend Michael, like
shoved me aside and went at her.

A big, tall guy.
I was like, don't scare her.

Jimmy: You can't scare judge

You cannot.
Jimmy: God help anybody that

takes on judge Judy.
It's great to see you.

Please give your parents my

I will, I will.
Jimmy: Melissa McCarthy.

The movie is called "can you
ever forgive me"?

It's in theaters now.
We'll be right back.

Dicky: Portions of "Jimmy
Kimmel live" are brought to you

by liquid-plumr.
It's time for "dumb moments

in election history."
In 1948, "the Chicago daily

tribune" accidentally reported,
dewy defeats Truman.

Stop the presses?
1986, lajitas, Texas, elected as

mayor a beer-drinking goat.
Baaaad choice!

In 2016, Americans elected a
reality TV show host with a

trail of failed casinos to the
office of president of the

United States.

Bing, bing, bong, bong --
that was a dumb moment in

election history.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Jimmy: Still to come, music
from the milk carton kids.

You know our next guest from the
original fake news, weekend

update on snl, which he anchored
for six years.

He has a new standup comedy
special called "fake news, real

jokes" available on Amazon,
iTunes and other digital

platforms now.
Please welcome Dennis Miller.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Jimmy: So stylish.

She was sweet enough to keep

Jimmy: That wasn't a

Yes, get that back to etsy

How are you doing?
Jimmy, where's the Russian

kid and the French guy?
[ Laughter ]

Jimmy: He's right in the

A French young woman -- a
Russian gentleman --

you guys going to do a little
colluding tonight?

[ Laughter ]
This is your first time on the

14 years, Jimmy.

Jimmy: 16, 16.

Jimmy: Yeah.

You can't just cut two years

Two years are a lot of years.
You look so smooth out there,

brother, good for you.
Jimmy: Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I have known your brother Jimmy
for a wrong time.

Your brother is a very
successful manager of comedians.

He told me you and he send
each other frozen sandwiches or

Jimmy: That is true.

I know what he sends from our

end is our favorite hoagie from

Jimmy: Danny's, that's right,
that's what he sent me.

What do you send back to him?
I sent him as I recall a

z-man sandwich from Oklahoma
Joe's in Kansas City, which is

now called Joe's of Kansas City.
But it was -- we started talking

about sandwiches.
And then the exchange program.

You know him better than me,
I've never talked sandwiches

with him and he's my brother.
It strikes me as odd in the

times we live.
It's so troubled.

You can actually still send a
torpedo-shaped object through

the mail?
Jimmy: Yes, you can.

And get it through to
somebody else?

Jimmy: Yes, absolutely.
I assume it comes in cold to

your security room, and after
they X-ray it it's heated?

Jimmy: No you'd be surprised,
sometimes I'm so hungry I eat it

[ Laughter ]

Did you vote yesterday?
I know you're very involved with

That's the odd thing.

I probably pay -- I make jokes
off politics.

I worked on a rally for years.
He has a political show.

It's a place where I hung my

Left to my own devices I'm not
mad for politics.

Jimmy: So you've been pushed
into that a little bit?

From a career standpoint.
Once you're a "weekend update"

anchor you make jokes about the
current events.

Left to my own devices.
I went to vote yesterday and I

won't even -- I live in a surf
town and they don't even give

you the sticker.
You have to get "I voted"

tattooed above your pubic mound.
[ Laughter ]

Jimmy: They're tattooing

It's a hell of a thing.
Jimmy: I have to tell you

You and I have met before.

Jimmy: A couple of times.

And you know, I was always a big
fan of yours.

And people, though, today are
like, what?

I think people get upset because
you're conservative.

Because you're a comedian.
I think it's weird for a

comedian to be conservative.
Unusual, I should say.

They say, what happened to you?
What did happen to you, Dennis?

[ Laughter ]
I'm socially liberal as

Jimmy: Are you?

When I look at -- I was
watching backstage.

This is how interesting things

When I watch Trump, he doesn't
rankle me like he rankles people

on your side.
There are days he's a buffoon.

There are days I can't believe
the stuff he says.

Today when I watch that thing, I
kind of laugh.

I watch pelosi and she drives me

Jimmy: Interesting.
I know on your side, I think

pelosi's kind of acceptable and
she says stuff like that, that

drives me more crazy.
All I know is this.

I've met so many nice people,
most of my dearest friends in

the world are liberals.
I refuse to go through life

defining who I'm going to be
friends with, who I'm going to

love, who I'm going to hang with
from a "d" or "r" after people's

When I look at socially liberal,

that's when I don't dig what the
conservatives do, they come off

like the town elders from
"footloose" and that's a drag to

I think liberalism's like a nude

beach, it sounds good till you
get there.

[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]

Then there's a lot of kankles
and misspelled tattoos.

[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: I want to members your

It is very funny.

I've watching this special and

Then we come to this.
One thing I don't watch

anymore is the oscars.
Instead of watching the oscars

this year, I kayaked solo across
the pacific with a rabid raccoon

in my lap.
[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]
Jimmy: Oh.

I hosted the oscars.
[ Laughter ]

Jimmy, honey, baby.
Let me finish.

You get show business.

And I like the way that you
alternatingly, like may, are our

good friend Marty short, take it
seriously when it deserves it,

you piss on it when it deserves
that too.

After you finish their
monologue, I think they take

themselves way too serious.
Jimmy: Of course.

As much as I'd like to stick
around for two hours and see

what the associate sound editor
on "Thor: Ragnarok," the way he

wants me to vote, I can't do it.
It's just gotten too heavy for

Jimmy: You actually would be

surprises, he's actually quite

[ Laughter ]
We met at Marty short's

Jimmy: That's right.

We had eight male comedians
having dinner together.

It was like "the real housewives
of penittown reunion."

Like the freemasons with better

Jimmy: Yeah, that was a fun
night, actually.

You would think it would
be -- you'd get eight male

comedians together at a dinner
table would be like monkeys

fighting over a premise with
fondue forks.

It was polite and informative.
I met you and your baby had

just --
Jimmy: We'd just had that

It was so much fun.

In a may you were like the mayor
of penistown.

Martin short was kind of like
the governor or president of

It was his town we were in.

It was gene Levy.
Jimmy: Right.

Tom Hanks.
Was Hanks there?

Jimmy: He showed up.
Conan o'brien.

Andy samberg.
A kid anynamed Nick control.

You, I, John mullany.
We had to have a 24/7 heimlich

person on.
As we ate -- it was the funniest

table I've ever sat at.
Jimmy: It was a lot of fun

and you were the funniest one at
the table.

I think it's a great message is
that, comedy is stronger than

politics, folks.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, Jeff.
Oh, Jeff's on vacation.

It was great.

Thanks, brother.
Jimmy: Your special is very

"Fake news, real jokes" is

downloadable now and you can see
Dennis on tour with Mark steyn

February 22nd in reading,
Pennsylvania, and February 23rd

in Syracuse.
We'll be back with the milk

carton kids!
Dicky: The "Jimmy Kimmel

live" concert series is
presented by Mercedes-Benz.

The best or nothing.
Dicky: T

live" concert series is
presented by Mercedes-Benz.

The best or nothing.
Jimmy: I want to thank

Melissa McCarthy and Dennis

Apologies to Matt Damon.
"Nightline" is next.

But first, this is their album
"all the things that I did and

all the things that I didn't

Here with the song "younger
years" - the milk carton kids!

♪ above the plains of Omaha
I think of all

the suffering I saw
the soaking ♪

♪ of the pavement
sprawled upon a land

without a law
everythin' I loved ♪

♪ everythin' I found
what I hoped for

frightened and surrounded
who else is there ♪

♪ to turn to anymore
oh I held out my arms

oh I held out my arms
held out my arms ♪

♪ whoa
ho ho oh

there was a time
I spoke the truth ♪

♪ but my younger years
were wasted on my youth

somewhere I awakened
with a crack to a pounding ♪

♪ on the roof
sure I heard the sound

as evidence or better yet
as proof ♪

♪ I was naked as the day
I was born 'neath

the fullness of the moon
oh I held out my arms ♪

♪ oh I held out my heart held
out my heart ♪

♪ I held out my heart

ho ho oh ♪

♪ far away I hear singing
far away a song ♪

♪ the blinding light

of morning came flooding
through the window

like a friend ♪
♪ like a wild revelation

like a shining invitation
to attend

spoken as a prayer ♪
♪ unbroken by despair

I make amends
the love inside our hearts

is the only kind ♪
♪ of savior we've been sent

oh I held out my heart ♪
♪ I held out my heart held out

my heart ♪
♪ whoa ho ho oh

[ Cheers and applause ]