Jimmy Kimmel Live! (2003–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Episode #1.7 - full transcript
Dicky: From Hollywood, it's
"Jimmy Kimmel live"!
Tonight --
Melissa McCarthy,
Dennis Miller,
and music from
the milk carton kids.
And now, for the most part,
Jimmy Kimmel!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪
Jimmy: Hello, thank you.
Very nice.
Thank you.
Hi, everyone.
I'm Jimmy, I'm the host of the
show.
Thank you for watching.
Thank you for coming.
Very kind.
I'll tell you something -- I
apologize for my voice.
I don't know about you, but --
[ Cheers ]
That's very kind.
I was exhausted.
I was up so late last night
watching the results of the
election.
That's how you know the tension
in this country is high.
I'm up at 4:00 in the morning
going, when the hell are they
going to mountains who won
Montana senate?
[ Laughter ]
I watched a lot of cable news
last night and I saw all manner
of interesting things, starting
with Nancy pelosi, who will
presumably return as speaker
after the democrats retook the
house.
Last night Nancy pelosi gave
what turned out to be a most
unusual victory speech.
It's about stopping the gop
and Mitch McConnell's assaults
on medicare, medicaid, the
affordable care act, the health
care of 130 million Americans
living with pre-existing medical
conditions.
Let's hear it more for
pre-existing medical conditions!
Jimmy:
Jimmy: Oh, okay.
When I say dia, you say betes!
Dia -- betes!
Like a college dropout moving
back in with mom and dad, they
regained the house.
It wasn't so much a blue wave as
it was a red flush.
That was in the house.
That was in the house.
In the senate it was a strong
night for Republicans and Mitch
McConnell partied well into the
wee hours of the morning.
Jimmy: He ate two heads of
lettuce and passed out.
Democrats get the house,
Republicans keep the senate.
Which means a divided
government, which means more
gridlock in Washington, which is
usually a bad thing.
Now I find myself actually
rooting for congress to get
nothing done.
One of the most reserve more
popular candidates was beto
o'Rourke, the Texas newcomer --
[ cheers and applause ]
Who lost his race to Ted Cruz.
But won the award for
outstanding expletive in a
concession speech.
Not a dime from a single pac.
All people all the time.
In every single part of Texas.
All of you showing the country
how you do this.
I'm so [ Bleep ] proud of you
guys.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jimmy: About two minutes
after beto lost, people started
running him for president.
Which I like beto, I could see
his appeal.
But everyone needs to calm down.
He just lost to Ted Cruz, the
least-charismatic man on the
planet.
[ Laughter ]
Donald Trump crushed Ted Cruz.
As far as running for the
president, beto's not off to a
roaring start.
Hey this guy just lost, let's
put our money on him!
[ Laughter ]
This is good too.
This is from Indiana's newly
elected senator, Mike braun.
We all need to -- we all
believe that we've got to put
some type of security on our
Southern border.
We all know that we need to
start balancing our budgets.
It's just going to take I think
guys and ladies like me that
have done things in the real
world, or else we're not going
to solve those problems.
Jimmy: Wait a minute.
That's a lady?
[ Laughter ]
No, I don't -- I hate to be
shallow, but she's not very
pretty.
[ Laughter ]
And of course, no election would
be complete without a recount in
Florida.
Bill Nelson, the democrat, is
calling for a recount in the
Senate Race.
In Georgia, Stacey Abrams has
yet to concede the race for
governor.
She's hoping for a runoff
against Brian kemp.
Unfortunately for her, Brian
kemp also happens to be the
Georgia secretary of state.
Which means he's in charge of 87
seeing his own election.
That must be nice.
After careful consideration, I
rule in favor of me.
[ Laughter ]
You know, yesterday my office,
watching CNN with the sound off,
I started playing a game.
When they put the pictures of
the candidates up on the screen
side by side, we guessed which
one was the republican, which
was the democrat.
It's not as easy as you might
think.
You want to try it?
All right, here we go.
Guess the candidate's party.
It's a party game, all right?
First up, all right, here, which
one is the republican?
Here or here?
I don't know right, I'm not a
weatherman.
Is this the republican?
Let's find out.
That is the republican.
You see, it's hard.
Which one is the democrat?
Is this the democrat?
Let's find out.
That's the republican.
All right.
Next, which one is the
republican?
Is this the republican?
All right.
Yes, it is.
Well, all right.
Wow, you're bad at this.
[ Laughter ]
Which one is the democrat?
Is this the democrat?
That is right, that is the
democrat.
Next, which is the republican?
Is this the republican?
Let's see.
Yes, that's correct.
And I think we have one more.
Which is the democrat here?
Is this the democrat?
That is right, that's Jackie
rosen, she won the senate in
Nevada.
This is the most
republican-looking man in the
history of the world.
[ Laughter ]
You know, despite losing control
of the house, our president took
a victory lap last night.
He called the results very close
to a complete victory for
Republicans.
Yes.
In the same way the world series
was very close to complete
victory for the Dodgers.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, other than games one,
two, four, and five, they
crushed it, they won.
Trump did some heavy-duty
tweeting with those adorable
little orange nubs of his.
This is interesting.
Look at the times on these
tweets.
This one, 1:27 A.M.
next one, 1:49 A.M.
And then next one, 6:21 A.M.
it's like he tweeted himself
unconscious.
[ Laughter ]
Then woke up four hours later
and went right back at it.
The president was in a foul and
spiteful way this morning.
His first order of business?
Calling out all the republican
losers who didn't embrace him.
You had some that decided to,
let's stay away.
Let's stay away.
They did very poorly.
I'm not sure that I should be
happy or sad.
But I feel just fine about it.
Carlos cubela.
Mike kofman.
Too bad, Mike.
Mia love gave me no love.
And she lost.
Too bad.
Sorry about that Mia.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: He is an absolute
child.
He really is.
[ Laughter ]
Trump also got in a nasty back
and forth with costa of CNN that
at times felt like it might turn
into a wrestling match.
They're hundreds and hundreds
of miles away, that's not an
invasion --
honestly, I think you should
let me run the country, you run
CNN.
If you did it well, your ratings
would be much better --
Mr. President, if I may
ask --
that's enough, that's enough.
Mr. President --
that's enough.
The other folks --
that's enough.
Pardon me, ma'am -- Mr.
President --
that's enough.
May I ask on the Russia
investigation, are you concerned
that you may have --
I'm not concerned about
anything with an investigation
because it's a hoax.
That's enough, put down the
Mike.
Mr. President, are you
worried about indictments coming
down in this investigation?
Mr. President?
I tell you what, kcnn
shoulding ashamed of itself
having you working for them.
You are a rude, terrible person.
You shouldn't be working for
CNN.
Go ahead.
I think that's --
you're a very rude person,
the way you treat Sarah huckabee
is horrible.
The way you treat other people
are horrible.
You shouldn't treat people that
way.
In Jim's defense, I traveled
with him, he's a diligent
reporter --
I'm not a big fan of yours
either, to be honest.
Let me ask you a question if
I can -- p
you aren't the best.
Jimmy: Did somebody not get
his snickers bar this morning?
[ Laughter ]
If Donald Trump ever ends up on
money, it should be a sockful of
nickels he used to beat people
with.
Despite claiming victory the
president was in quite a mood
and he wasn't just mad at Jim
acosta, he lashed out at just
about everybody.
Sit down, please.
I didn't call you.
I didn't call you.
I didn't call you.
No.
You rudely interrupted him.
I don't know why you'd say that,
such a racist question.
Excuse me.
Would you please sit down.
Please go ahead.
Sit down, please.
Thank you very much.
Why are you pitting Americans
against one another?
Peter, are you trying to be
him?
It's unfair to the country --
give him the Mike, please,
I've answered the question.
Excuse me.
You are not called on.
No, that's enough.
What's your next question?
Go ahead.
Come on, let's go.
More exciting question than
that, please.
Quiet.
Quiet.
Quiet.
Go ahead.
What kind of a question is that?
Just asking, just curious --
a comedian here.
Who are you from?
Yahoo! News.
Yahoo!?
Good, I hope they're doing well.
See, when you talk about
division, it's people like this.
Jimmy: I hope someone had the
sense to hide the nuclear button
today.
[ Laughter ]
Put it under a cup or something.
And on top of all this, Trump
fired Jeff sessions today.
In the wake of democrats winning
the house and the threat of s&ps
for Trump's records hovering
over his beautiful head,
sessions was forced to resign as
Attorney General this morning.
That's him exiting the building,
leaving the department of
justice to go back to live in
his hollow tree.
[ Laughter ]
In a letter to the president,
sessions wrote, at your request
I am submitting my resignation,
which is a formal way of saying,
f-u for firing me.
And in the letter he said, he
operated with integrity and
strove to uphold the rule of
law.
And Trump was like, yeah, why do
you think I fired you?
[ Laughter ]
I didn't want that.
By the way, Trump didn't even
fire him, he had his chief of
staff, John Kelly, do it.
You know, the one and only thing
Trump is good at is firing
people.
[ Laughter ]
And he can't even do that, it's
amazing.
Of course the president was
unhappy with sessions for
recusing himself in the Russia
investigation.
You know how it goes.
You recuse, you lose, right,
Jeff?
[ Laughter ]
So now they passed over rod
Rosenstein, the deputy attorney
general, they put a guy in
there, this guy wrote an op-ed
critical of the Mueller
investigation.
That man will now be overseeing
the Mueller investigation.
Okay, Bob Mueller, time to snort
some Adderall and get that
report done asap, you
understand?
[ Cheers and applause ]
We've waited long enough.
Here in California, we have a
new governor.
Governor-elect Gavin newsom is
our new governor.
He was lieutenant governor, he
was mayor of San Francisco.
I don't know how I didn't know
this until today, but Gavin
newsom was also once married to
former fox news host Kimberly
guilfoyle.
They possessed for this
fantastic photograph together.
[ Laughter ]
For "Harper's bazaar" magazine.
Looks like she just got voted
off "dancing with the stars."
Now the reason this is
particularly interesting,
besides the fact that he's
ultra-liberal and she's some
kind of a fox bot, is because
Kimberly guilfoyle is currently
dating none other than djtj,
Donald Trump.
She must have a thing for
slicked-back hair.
What lady doesn't, I guess.
But you know what I'm saying.
Back to the election.
It was a historic day up and
down the ballot.
In Colorado, Jared pullis
becomes the first openly gay man
to become governor of that
state.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I tell you something, if I was
governor, my first official act
would be to order that
homophobic baker to make a cake
for my victory party.
[ Laughter ]
Nationally, 96 women were
elected to the house of
representatives.
Which --
[ Cheers and applause ]
96.
That is obviously a record
number, 96.
It's also Donald and melania's
favorite sexual position.
[ Rim shot ]
Think about it.
[ Laughter ]
There were so many historic
firsts last night.
The first native American
lesbian elected to congress.
The first Muslim women elected
to congress.
And guess what?
Mike pence is going to have to
swear them all in.
Lap
[ cheers and applause ]
Actually, there were two native
American women elected to
office.
One of them is sharise Davids.
And if you're Donald Trump,
sharise Davids is your worst
nightmare.
A lesbian native American former
MMA fighter who's been watching
you call Elizabeth Warren
pocahontas for two years now and
could beat your ass if she
wanted to.
[ Laughter ]
In Nevada another bit of
history.
In Nevada they elected the first
dead brothel owner to the state
legislature.
For real.
What a time to be alive, right?
[ Laughter ]
Or dead, I guess.
Dennis hoff, who is kind of a
famous guy.
He owned multiple infamous
brothels, including the bunny
ranch.
Won a spot in the Nevada state
assembly, despite the fact that
he died last month.
You know, sometimes the weekend
at Bernie's movies write
themselves.
[ Laughter ]
This district is so republican
that rather than a democrat,
they voted for a horny ghost.
[ Laughter ]
It must be a weird feeling to
lose an election to a dead pimp.
We tracked down Dennis hoff's
opponent, Lisa Romanoff, an
educator, assistant principal at
a school in Las Vegas, joining
us live very Cisco.
Hello, Lisa, how are you?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Lisa, first of all,
I'm sorry for your loss.
I would imagine it came as quite
a shock.
Yes and no.
We kind of expected, after he
passed, it kind of messed up the
campaign.
Jimmy: Yeah.
Especially for him, really.
[ Laughter ]
Well, he wasn't doing a great
job, but you know.
Jimmy: When that happened,
did you feel like maybe you had
it in the bag?
No.
Actually, when we found that
out, a lot of Republicans had
said they would support us
because they in no way wanted
him up in the legislature.
Jimmy: I see.
So when he died, we knew
immediately that we would have a
lot of Republicans jumping ship.
Jimmy: So his death was the
key to his victory.
Absolutely.
And crazy as that sounds, yes.
Jimmy: Did you try a poster
that said "I'm not dead" or
something like that?
[ Laughter ]
We didn't.
You know, once he died, it was
pretty difficult.
A lot of our literature we could
no longer use.
It's in bad taste to put up
stuff like this.
Jimmy: Right.
[ Laughter ]
So we had to stop the
presses.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jimmy: Thank you, Lisa.
Better luck next time.
One more thing, I want to
congratulate Katie hill, who was
elected to congress not far from
here in California's 25th
district.
Not only did she win, Katie
unwittingly provided us with
last night's "midterm election
unintentional joke of the day."
Over and over again, over the
last few days, I've had people
who have said thank you for
sending your knockers to my
door.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: Thank you, Katie.
Tonight on the show, we have
music from the milk carton kids.
Dennis Miller is here.
And we'll be right back with
Melissa McCarthy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪
Jimmy: Hi, there.
Tonight, you know him from snl
and mnf.
He has a new comedy special
called "fake news, real jokes."
Dennis Miller is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Then, this is their latest
album.
It's called "all the things that
I did and all the things that I
didn't do."
The milk carton kids from the
Mercedes-Benz stage.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Tomorrow night, Anthony Anderson
and Sebastian Stan will join us,
and we'll have music from Jeff
goldblum featuring Haley
reinhardt.
Please join us for that too.
Our first guest tonight is an
Oscar-nominated movie star,
two-time Emmy winner and
many-time spicer.
Her new movie is the
critically-acclaimed real-life
story, "can you ever forgive
me?"
It's in theatres now.
Please say hello to Melissa
McCarthy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪
Jimmy: How are you?
Good.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you so much!
Jimmy: Now I realize I'm
being rude.
I'm not ogling.
I'm looking at the cats.
Those are cats.
My dazzling of cats.
Jimmy: That is quite a vest.
Thank you.
Jimmy: Did Debbie Reynolds
have an estate sale?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, god.
I don't know the lineage, but if
that -- I bought it off of etsy
from a lovely woman in Columbus,
Ohio.
Jimmy: Wow.
I'm going to start lying and
saying, Debbie Reynolds' estate
gave to it me from Columbus,
Ohio.
Jimmy: Tell people you paid
$27,000 for it, it's swarovski.
Are you an etsy regular?
Do you like etsy?
I got a bit of a problem with
etsy.
Jimmy: Do you really?
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
Like it's a little -- like at
some point, you know Ben, my
lovely husband.
Jimmy: Ben Falcone.
Very mellow, lovely guy.
It's the only thing he's ever
really been like, that's
probably enough.
Jimmy: Oh, really.
[ Laughter ]
Every day, it's a box from
Poland!
And I have no idea.
I'm like, it's a brass bull!
What do we do with it?
Jimmy: How do you find the
stuff?
Are you specifically looking for
a brass bull?
Sometimes.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: Sometimes, yes.
And I just recently reviewed
my history.
Jimmy: You did?
It's truly like what they
make like on a crime network,
it's like that means I'm crazy.
Jimmy: What's in there?
So many umbrella stands.
Jimmy: What?
Weird like old --
Jimmy: Up Bella stands?
Yeah.
Jimmy: Do you have a lot of
them?
There's like four, like an
owl!
One looks like a Spanish
conquistador's boot.
That's hilarious!
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: Wow.
Lots of tdecanters.
Lots of rugs.
Jimmy: You have to be careful
with umbrella stands.
People come to your house, they
see that you have more than one
umbrella stand, they're going to
think, she collects umbrella
stands, this could be a great
thing to get her.
That would be great!
Jimmy: Oh, you're okay with
that.
I got a letter from customs,
they wanted to know what my
involvement was with Morocco.
[ Laughter ]
And I was like, oh!
Jimmy: What is your
involvement with Morocco?
None of ya business.
[ Laughter ]
No, we were moving into a house
and I just was like, look at the
rugs!
Look at the rugs!
And it was like 2:30 in the
morning.
Then like eight rugs would show
up.
And I was like, I don't remember
that one at all.
[ Laughter ]
I get like an etsy blackout.
But then I get it and I'm
actually really delighted.
It sounds like I'm a crazy
hoarder.
I'm not!
Jimmy: Not yet you are,
you're too young to abhorreder.
In about 20 years you will be a
hoarder.
Ben's like, where are you?
Boxes.
Jimmy: Behind the umbrella
stands!
Did you vote yesterday?
I did.
Jimmy: I would love it if you
said, no, I did not.
I don't know.
An election?
I had to vote.
Jimmy: Did you go in person
and do it?
Yes, what do I, send my
doppel --
Jimmy: I mailed mine.
I like to go.
I like to go I like to be a part
of it, even though it makes
me -- I get strangely nervous.
Jimmy: I feel the same way.
Do you?
Jimmy: I feel like I'm going
to punch the wrong hole.
I feel I'm going to put in
everything I don't want.
A little bit like when a cop
passes you and you're like, oh,
god.
And I don't know why that
happens.
It's not like I have a trunkload
of cocaine.
I don't know why I get weirdly
nervous when a police officer
passes and then I do -- like I
get weirder so I do look
suspicious.
Jimmy: I think it means you
were raised well.
Like with kind of a fear of -- a
healthy amount of fear.
Raised by nuns.
Jimmy: It was the nuns that
did it to you for sure.
I think I have a little
flashback to, voting might be
the standardized test where you
had to --
Jimmy: Fill in the things.
Your number 2, and somebody's
like, you used number 1, you got
them all wrong.
What?
I thought number 2 was a thing
we called them, I didn't know
that there's a number 2.
Jimmy: Oh, yes.
2 1/2.
I've heard tale you can get 3 on
etsy if you look hard enough.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, god.
I especially get nervous putting
it in.
Like I don't know why.
There's a very nice man, rio
vista elementary school.
Jimmy: Oh, really.
Yes, I was.
Putting it into the machine,
which like -- it's not like I've
only done it once.
I've done this -- I'm almost 30.
[ Laughter ]
But every time I go to put it
into the machine I'm like, I
don't know, do I -- I don't want
to -- do I -- he's like, just
put it in, top side.
I'm like, this top?
This top or that top?
He's like, there's only one top.
Clearly there's a top and I know
there's a top, yet I'm like,
which top, which top?
Then I got really rattled about
face down, face up?
He was like, just exactly how
you're holding it, put it in.
I was like, so like that?
[ Laughter ]
I flipped it skin verted it.
He was like, no, you had it
right.
I put it back to the right way.
Jimmy: Ike lure making a
pancake.
I made a move for it, he was
like, no, no, no, no!
I turned it again.
He was like, turn it back.
Like it took a really weird --
and I got like flushed.
I'm sure he's like, there was
this batty lady.
Jimmy: I bet you every single
person that came through did
that same thing.
Because if you really know how
to do it, it means you've
probably been voting illegally
over and over again.
[ Laughter ]
Those are the people you've got
to -- that I want them to watch
out for, the ones who seem to
know exactly what they're doing.
We should all be really
nervous about it.
Jimmy: We got Russians in our
audience, we have to be really
careful.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Melissa McCarthy is here.
The movie is called "can you
ever forgive me?"
We'll see a little of that when
we come back.
Dicky: Portions of "Jimmy
Kimmel live" brought to you by
liquid-plumr.
$414.
That's more than I just made.
What?
I just sold a little coke.
Right here?
Be some just left.
Keep me away from your seedy
dealings.
Hello, ladies.
I resent that.
May I ask how sweet your
silver roll is?
Perfect.
If you don't like it, I'll eat
it.
Oh!
Yeah, I'll have a coffee.
Jimmy: That is Melissa
McCarthy in "can you ever
forgive me?"
By the way, you were fantastic.
Really, you did an amazing job.
Thank you.
Jimmy: I don't know if you
know, you have 100% on rotten
tomatoes with the top critics.
What?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jimmy: That's not a Donald
Trump statistic, that's actually
from -- that's the information
we read on the site.
So it's factual.
That's unusual.
Jimmy: A funny moment.
It's mostly dramatic, this film.
It is.
Jimmy: Based on a true story.
It is, it's based on Lee
Israel, a biography writer, had
done well for herself for the
'70s and '80s, then fell on hard
times and was told she's
obsolete.
She's also a very prickly,
difficult person.
Caustic is kind of a gentle --
Jimmy: Insulated, surrounded
by -- what was she, she had a
cat, really.
A cat.
It's theme mattic, guys.
Jimmy: The cat's not a person
but the cat is the only thing
she really --
kind of like the only thing
she loved, probably the only
thing that loved her back.
Jimmy: It's a crazy story.
Of how she made money.
She couldn't write anymore.
So she started forging letters
from like Dorothy Parker, Noel
coward, all these amazing
writers.
She wasn't making a lot from it
but she sold 400-some over the
course of a year, was selling
them to antiquities and book
dealers, then got caught by the
FBI and was convicted.
Jimmy: She would match up the
writing?
She all these different
typewriters, it became this
whole thing.
She really was an amazing
writer.
Jimmy: She was living in new
York at that time.
This happened in the '90s.
When she falls on hard times
is in the '90s.
I felt like I was a little
disappointed I didn't know who
she was, because I was in new
York in the '90s, '96, '97.
Jimmy: What was going on with
you at that time?
Wearing cat vests.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: It's before etsy, how
did you get hold of them?
I went right to the source.
Jimmy: Break into people's
homes, yeah.
I was -- god, working --
always probably three jobs.
Just like scrapping so much.
Like we should not have been
living there.
I had no money.
I was like, I can get credit
cards!
You didn't have to back it up.
At 20 I was like, this is
amazing!
They just give me cards!
No thought about like you have
to pay them back.
Jimmy: That is true.
No cash, just go out.
Jimmy: Would your parents
bail you out?
They did.
Jimmy: How are your parents
doing?
They're so good.
Jimmy: I have a picture.
I'd love you to tell the story
before I show it.
Oh, god.
My parents came up to New York.
Mike and Sandy.
For the premiere of "can you
ever forgive me?"
You know, they've met people.
They're like, that's neat.
When I said I was doing your
show, they're like, does Jimmy
need us to come back?
I'm like, easy, easy, guys.
Jimmy: You're welcome any
time, they are welcome.
So they are very sweet.
So they don't get crazy about
anybody.
Judge Judy was at our premiere.
And my parents went bat
[ Bleep ].
[ Laughter ]
I'm not kidding.
My dad was like, oh my god!
Oh my god!
Judge -- judge -- judge Judy,
yo
Judy!
And my mom was like, oh!
Look at the grip of death.
[ Laughter ]
It looks like my mom's maybe
holding a gun on her in the
back.
[ Laughter ]
They were so -- look at how
happy she is.
Look at that.
By the way, judge Judy is
awesome.
Jimmy: She is very nice,
judge Judy.
She's such a hoot.
Jimmy: Your mother's about to
twist her into a balloon animal.
[ Laughter ]
Oh my god.
I was like, let judge Judy go!
Let her go!
My other friend that never cares
who's in the room, he lost his
mind.
Jimmy: For judge Judy?
Yes, my friend Michael, like
shoved me aside and went at her.
A big, tall guy.
I was like, don't scare her.
Jimmy: You can't scare judge
Judy.
You cannot.
Jimmy: God help anybody that
takes on judge Judy.
It's great to see you.
Please give your parents my
best.
I will, I will.
Jimmy: Melissa McCarthy.
The movie is called "can you
ever forgive me"?
It's in theaters now.
We'll be right back.
Dicky: Portions of "Jimmy
Kimmel live" are brought to you
by liquid-plumr.
It's time for "dumb moments
in election history."
In 1948, "the Chicago daily
tribune" accidentally reported,
dewy defeats Truman.
Stop the presses?
1986, lajitas, Texas, elected as
mayor a beer-drinking goat.
Baaaad choice!
In 2016, Americans elected a
reality TV show host with a
trail of failed casinos to the
office of president of the
United States.
Whoops!
Bing, bing, bong, bong --
that was a dumb moment in
election history.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jimmy: Still to come, music
from the milk carton kids.
You know our next guest from the
original fake news, weekend
update on snl, which he anchored
for six years.
He has a new standup comedy
special called "fake news, real
jokes" available on Amazon,
iTunes and other digital
platforms now.
Please welcome Dennis Miller.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪
Jimmy: So stylish.
Thanks.
She was sweet enough to keep
this.
Jimmy: That wasn't a
coincidence.
Yes, get that back to etsy
immediately.
How are you doing?
Jimmy, where's the Russian
kid and the French guy?
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: He's right in the
front.
A French young woman -- a
Russian gentleman --
you guys going to do a little
colluding tonight?
[ Laughter ]
This is your first time on the
show.
14 years, Jimmy.
Jimmy: 16, 16.
16.
Sorry.
Jimmy: Yeah.
You can't just cut two years
out.
Two years are a lot of years.
You look so smooth out there,
brother, good for you.
Jimmy: Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I have known your brother Jimmy
for a wrong time.
Your brother is a very
successful manager of comedians.
He told me you and he send
each other frozen sandwiches or
something?
Jimmy: That is true.
Explain.
I know what he sends from our
end is our favorite hoagie from
Pittsburgh.
Jimmy: Danny's, that's right,
that's what he sent me.
What do you send back to him?
I sent him as I recall a
z-man sandwich from Oklahoma
Joe's in Kansas City, which is
now called Joe's of Kansas City.
But it was -- we started talking
about sandwiches.
And then the exchange program.
You know him better than me,
I've never talked sandwiches
with him and he's my brother.
It strikes me as odd in the
times we live.
It's so troubled.
You can actually still send a
torpedo-shaped object through
the mail?
Jimmy: Yes, you can.
And get it through to
somebody else?
Jimmy: Yes, absolutely.
I assume it comes in cold to
your security room, and after
they X-ray it it's heated?
Jimmy: No you'd be surprised,
sometimes I'm so hungry I eat it
frozen.
[ Laughter ]
Did you vote yesterday?
I know you're very involved with
politics.
That's the odd thing.
I probably pay -- I make jokes
off politics.
I worked on a rally for years.
He has a political show.
It's a place where I hung my
hat.
Left to my own devices I'm not
mad for politics.
Jimmy: So you've been pushed
into that a little bit?
From a career standpoint.
Once you're a "weekend update"
anchor you make jokes about the
current events.
Left to my own devices.
I went to vote yesterday and I
won't even -- I live in a surf
town and they don't even give
you the sticker.
You have to get "I voted"
tattooed above your pubic mound.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: They're tattooing
people?
It's a hell of a thing.
Jimmy: I have to tell you
something.
You and I have met before.
Yeah.
Jimmy: A couple of times.
And you know, I was always a big
fan of yours.
And people, though, today are
like, what?
I think people get upset because
you're conservative.
Because you're a comedian.
I think it's weird for a
comedian to be conservative.
Unusual, I should say.
They say, what happened to you?
What did happen to you, Dennis?
[ Laughter ]
I'm socially liberal as
anybody.
Jimmy: Are you?
When I look at -- I was
watching backstage.
This is how interesting things
are.
When I watch Trump, he doesn't
rankle me like he rankles people
on your side.
There are days he's a buffoon.
There are days I can't believe
the stuff he says.
Today when I watch that thing, I
kind of laugh.
I watch pelosi and she drives me
batty.
Jimmy: Interesting.
I know on your side, I think
pelosi's kind of acceptable and
she says stuff like that, that
drives me more crazy.
All I know is this.
I've met so many nice people,
most of my dearest friends in
the world are liberals.
I refuse to go through life
defining who I'm going to be
friends with, who I'm going to
love, who I'm going to hang with
from a "d" or "r" after people's
names.
When I look at socially liberal,
that's when I don't dig what the
conservatives do, they come off
like the town elders from
"footloose" and that's a drag to
me.
I think liberalism's like a nude
beach, it sounds good till you
get there.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Then there's a lot of kankles
and misspelled tattoos.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: I want to members your
special.
It is very funny.
I've watching this special and
laughing.
Then we come to this.
One thing I don't watch
anymore is the oscars.
Instead of watching the oscars
this year, I kayaked solo across
the pacific with a rabid raccoon
in my lap.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jimmy: Oh.
I hosted the oscars.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy, honey, baby.
Let me finish.
Listen.
You get show business.
And I like the way that you
alternatingly, like may, are our
good friend Marty short, take it
seriously when it deserves it,
you piss on it when it deserves
that too.
After you finish their
monologue, I think they take
themselves way too serious.
Jimmy: Of course.
As much as I'd like to stick
around for two hours and see
what the associate sound editor
on "Thor: Ragnarok," the way he
wants me to vote, I can't do it.
It's just gotten too heavy for
me.
Jimmy: You actually would be
surprises, he's actually quite
conservative.
[ Laughter ]
We met at Marty short's
house.
Jimmy: That's right.
We had eight male comedians
having dinner together.
It was like "the real housewives
of penittown reunion."
Like the freemasons with better
grudges.
Jimmy: Yeah, that was a fun
night, actually.
You would think it would
be -- you'd get eight male
comedians together at a dinner
table would be like monkeys
fighting over a premise with
fondue forks.
It was polite and informative.
I met you and your baby had
just --
Jimmy: We'd just had that
issue.
It was so much fun.
In a may you were like the mayor
of penistown.
Martin short was kind of like
the governor or president of
penistown.
It was his town we were in.
It was gene Levy.
Jimmy: Right.
Tom Hanks.
Was Hanks there?
Jimmy: He showed up.
Conan o'brien.
Andy samberg.
A kid anynamed Nick control.
You, I, John mullany.
We had to have a 24/7 heimlich
person on.
As we ate -- it was the funniest
table I've ever sat at.
Jimmy: It was a lot of fun
and you were the funniest one at
the table.
I think it's a great message is
that, comedy is stronger than
politics, folks.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, Jeff.
Oh, Jeff's on vacation.
Anyway.
It was great.
Thanks, brother.
Jimmy: Your special is very
funny.
"Fake news, real jokes" is
downloadable now and you can see
Dennis on tour with Mark steyn
February 22nd in reading,
Pennsylvania, and February 23rd
in Syracuse.
We'll be back with the milk
carton kids!
Dicky: The "Jimmy Kimmel
live" concert series is
presented by Mercedes-Benz.
The best or nothing.
Dicky: T
live" concert series is
presented by Mercedes-Benz.
The best or nothing.
Jimmy: I want to thank
Melissa McCarthy and Dennis
Miller.
Apologies to Matt Damon.
"Nightline" is next.
But first, this is their album
"all the things that I did and
all the things that I didn't
do."
Here with the song "younger
years" - the milk carton kids!
♪
♪
♪ above the plains of Omaha
I think of all
the suffering I saw
the soaking ♪
♪ of the pavement
sprawled upon a land
without a law
everythin' I loved ♪
♪ everythin' I found
what I hoped for
frightened and surrounded
who else is there ♪
♪ to turn to anymore
oh I held out my arms
oh I held out my arms
held out my arms ♪
♪ whoa
ho ho oh
there was a time
I spoke the truth ♪
♪ but my younger years
were wasted on my youth
somewhere I awakened
with a crack to a pounding ♪
♪ on the roof
sure I heard the sound
as evidence or better yet
as proof ♪
♪ I was naked as the day
I was born 'neath
the fullness of the moon
oh I held out my arms ♪
♪ oh I held out my heart held
out my heart ♪
♪ I held out my heart
whoa
ho ho oh ♪
♪
♪ far away I hear singing
far away a song ♪
♪
♪
♪
♪ the blinding light
of morning came flooding
through the window
like a friend ♪
♪ like a wild revelation
like a shining invitation
to attend
spoken as a prayer ♪
♪ unbroken by despair
I make amends
the love inside our hearts
is the only kind ♪
♪ of savior we've been sent
oh I held out my heart ♪
♪ I held out my heart held out
my heart ♪
♪ whoa ho ho oh
♪
♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Jimmy Kimmel live"!
Tonight --
Melissa McCarthy,
Dennis Miller,
and music from
the milk carton kids.
And now, for the most part,
Jimmy Kimmel!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪
Jimmy: Hello, thank you.
Very nice.
Thank you.
Hi, everyone.
I'm Jimmy, I'm the host of the
show.
Thank you for watching.
Thank you for coming.
Very kind.
I'll tell you something -- I
apologize for my voice.
I don't know about you, but --
[ Cheers ]
That's very kind.
I was exhausted.
I was up so late last night
watching the results of the
election.
That's how you know the tension
in this country is high.
I'm up at 4:00 in the morning
going, when the hell are they
going to mountains who won
Montana senate?
[ Laughter ]
I watched a lot of cable news
last night and I saw all manner
of interesting things, starting
with Nancy pelosi, who will
presumably return as speaker
after the democrats retook the
house.
Last night Nancy pelosi gave
what turned out to be a most
unusual victory speech.
It's about stopping the gop
and Mitch McConnell's assaults
on medicare, medicaid, the
affordable care act, the health
care of 130 million Americans
living with pre-existing medical
conditions.
Let's hear it more for
pre-existing medical conditions!
Jimmy:
Jimmy: Oh, okay.
When I say dia, you say betes!
Dia -- betes!
Like a college dropout moving
back in with mom and dad, they
regained the house.
It wasn't so much a blue wave as
it was a red flush.
That was in the house.
That was in the house.
In the senate it was a strong
night for Republicans and Mitch
McConnell partied well into the
wee hours of the morning.
Jimmy: He ate two heads of
lettuce and passed out.
Democrats get the house,
Republicans keep the senate.
Which means a divided
government, which means more
gridlock in Washington, which is
usually a bad thing.
Now I find myself actually
rooting for congress to get
nothing done.
One of the most reserve more
popular candidates was beto
o'Rourke, the Texas newcomer --
[ cheers and applause ]
Who lost his race to Ted Cruz.
But won the award for
outstanding expletive in a
concession speech.
Not a dime from a single pac.
All people all the time.
In every single part of Texas.
All of you showing the country
how you do this.
I'm so [ Bleep ] proud of you
guys.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jimmy: About two minutes
after beto lost, people started
running him for president.
Which I like beto, I could see
his appeal.
But everyone needs to calm down.
He just lost to Ted Cruz, the
least-charismatic man on the
planet.
[ Laughter ]
Donald Trump crushed Ted Cruz.
As far as running for the
president, beto's not off to a
roaring start.
Hey this guy just lost, let's
put our money on him!
[ Laughter ]
This is good too.
This is from Indiana's newly
elected senator, Mike braun.
We all need to -- we all
believe that we've got to put
some type of security on our
Southern border.
We all know that we need to
start balancing our budgets.
It's just going to take I think
guys and ladies like me that
have done things in the real
world, or else we're not going
to solve those problems.
Jimmy: Wait a minute.
That's a lady?
[ Laughter ]
No, I don't -- I hate to be
shallow, but she's not very
pretty.
[ Laughter ]
And of course, no election would
be complete without a recount in
Florida.
Bill Nelson, the democrat, is
calling for a recount in the
Senate Race.
In Georgia, Stacey Abrams has
yet to concede the race for
governor.
She's hoping for a runoff
against Brian kemp.
Unfortunately for her, Brian
kemp also happens to be the
Georgia secretary of state.
Which means he's in charge of 87
seeing his own election.
That must be nice.
After careful consideration, I
rule in favor of me.
[ Laughter ]
You know, yesterday my office,
watching CNN with the sound off,
I started playing a game.
When they put the pictures of
the candidates up on the screen
side by side, we guessed which
one was the republican, which
was the democrat.
It's not as easy as you might
think.
You want to try it?
All right, here we go.
Guess the candidate's party.
It's a party game, all right?
First up, all right, here, which
one is the republican?
Here or here?
I don't know right, I'm not a
weatherman.
Is this the republican?
Let's find out.
That is the republican.
You see, it's hard.
Which one is the democrat?
Is this the democrat?
Let's find out.
That's the republican.
All right.
Next, which one is the
republican?
Is this the republican?
All right.
Yes, it is.
Well, all right.
Wow, you're bad at this.
[ Laughter ]
Which one is the democrat?
Is this the democrat?
That is right, that is the
democrat.
Next, which is the republican?
Is this the republican?
Let's see.
Yes, that's correct.
And I think we have one more.
Which is the democrat here?
Is this the democrat?
That is right, that's Jackie
rosen, she won the senate in
Nevada.
This is the most
republican-looking man in the
history of the world.
[ Laughter ]
You know, despite losing control
of the house, our president took
a victory lap last night.
He called the results very close
to a complete victory for
Republicans.
Yes.
In the same way the world series
was very close to complete
victory for the Dodgers.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, other than games one,
two, four, and five, they
crushed it, they won.
Trump did some heavy-duty
tweeting with those adorable
little orange nubs of his.
This is interesting.
Look at the times on these
tweets.
This one, 1:27 A.M.
next one, 1:49 A.M.
And then next one, 6:21 A.M.
it's like he tweeted himself
unconscious.
[ Laughter ]
Then woke up four hours later
and went right back at it.
The president was in a foul and
spiteful way this morning.
His first order of business?
Calling out all the republican
losers who didn't embrace him.
You had some that decided to,
let's stay away.
Let's stay away.
They did very poorly.
I'm not sure that I should be
happy or sad.
But I feel just fine about it.
Carlos cubela.
Mike kofman.
Too bad, Mike.
Mia love gave me no love.
And she lost.
Too bad.
Sorry about that Mia.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: He is an absolute
child.
He really is.
[ Laughter ]
Trump also got in a nasty back
and forth with costa of CNN that
at times felt like it might turn
into a wrestling match.
They're hundreds and hundreds
of miles away, that's not an
invasion --
honestly, I think you should
let me run the country, you run
CNN.
If you did it well, your ratings
would be much better --
Mr. President, if I may
ask --
that's enough, that's enough.
Mr. President --
that's enough.
The other folks --
that's enough.
Pardon me, ma'am -- Mr.
President --
that's enough.
May I ask on the Russia
investigation, are you concerned
that you may have --
I'm not concerned about
anything with an investigation
because it's a hoax.
That's enough, put down the
Mike.
Mr. President, are you
worried about indictments coming
down in this investigation?
Mr. President?
I tell you what, kcnn
shoulding ashamed of itself
having you working for them.
You are a rude, terrible person.
You shouldn't be working for
CNN.
Go ahead.
I think that's --
you're a very rude person,
the way you treat Sarah huckabee
is horrible.
The way you treat other people
are horrible.
You shouldn't treat people that
way.
In Jim's defense, I traveled
with him, he's a diligent
reporter --
I'm not a big fan of yours
either, to be honest.
Let me ask you a question if
I can -- p
you aren't the best.
Jimmy: Did somebody not get
his snickers bar this morning?
[ Laughter ]
If Donald Trump ever ends up on
money, it should be a sockful of
nickels he used to beat people
with.
Despite claiming victory the
president was in quite a mood
and he wasn't just mad at Jim
acosta, he lashed out at just
about everybody.
Sit down, please.
I didn't call you.
I didn't call you.
I didn't call you.
No.
You rudely interrupted him.
I don't know why you'd say that,
such a racist question.
Excuse me.
Would you please sit down.
Please go ahead.
Sit down, please.
Thank you very much.
Why are you pitting Americans
against one another?
Peter, are you trying to be
him?
It's unfair to the country --
give him the Mike, please,
I've answered the question.
Excuse me.
You are not called on.
No, that's enough.
What's your next question?
Go ahead.
Come on, let's go.
More exciting question than
that, please.
Quiet.
Quiet.
Quiet.
Go ahead.
What kind of a question is that?
Just asking, just curious --
a comedian here.
Who are you from?
Yahoo! News.
Yahoo!?
Good, I hope they're doing well.
See, when you talk about
division, it's people like this.
Jimmy: I hope someone had the
sense to hide the nuclear button
today.
[ Laughter ]
Put it under a cup or something.
And on top of all this, Trump
fired Jeff sessions today.
In the wake of democrats winning
the house and the threat of s&ps
for Trump's records hovering
over his beautiful head,
sessions was forced to resign as
Attorney General this morning.
That's him exiting the building,
leaving the department of
justice to go back to live in
his hollow tree.
[ Laughter ]
In a letter to the president,
sessions wrote, at your request
I am submitting my resignation,
which is a formal way of saying,
f-u for firing me.
And in the letter he said, he
operated with integrity and
strove to uphold the rule of
law.
And Trump was like, yeah, why do
you think I fired you?
[ Laughter ]
I didn't want that.
By the way, Trump didn't even
fire him, he had his chief of
staff, John Kelly, do it.
You know, the one and only thing
Trump is good at is firing
people.
[ Laughter ]
And he can't even do that, it's
amazing.
Of course the president was
unhappy with sessions for
recusing himself in the Russia
investigation.
You know how it goes.
You recuse, you lose, right,
Jeff?
[ Laughter ]
So now they passed over rod
Rosenstein, the deputy attorney
general, they put a guy in
there, this guy wrote an op-ed
critical of the Mueller
investigation.
That man will now be overseeing
the Mueller investigation.
Okay, Bob Mueller, time to snort
some Adderall and get that
report done asap, you
understand?
[ Cheers and applause ]
We've waited long enough.
Here in California, we have a
new governor.
Governor-elect Gavin newsom is
our new governor.
He was lieutenant governor, he
was mayor of San Francisco.
I don't know how I didn't know
this until today, but Gavin
newsom was also once married to
former fox news host Kimberly
guilfoyle.
They possessed for this
fantastic photograph together.
[ Laughter ]
For "Harper's bazaar" magazine.
Looks like she just got voted
off "dancing with the stars."
Now the reason this is
particularly interesting,
besides the fact that he's
ultra-liberal and she's some
kind of a fox bot, is because
Kimberly guilfoyle is currently
dating none other than djtj,
Donald Trump.
She must have a thing for
slicked-back hair.
What lady doesn't, I guess.
But you know what I'm saying.
Back to the election.
It was a historic day up and
down the ballot.
In Colorado, Jared pullis
becomes the first openly gay man
to become governor of that
state.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I tell you something, if I was
governor, my first official act
would be to order that
homophobic baker to make a cake
for my victory party.
[ Laughter ]
Nationally, 96 women were
elected to the house of
representatives.
Which --
[ Cheers and applause ]
96.
That is obviously a record
number, 96.
It's also Donald and melania's
favorite sexual position.
[ Rim shot ]
Think about it.
[ Laughter ]
There were so many historic
firsts last night.
The first native American
lesbian elected to congress.
The first Muslim women elected
to congress.
And guess what?
Mike pence is going to have to
swear them all in.
Lap
[ cheers and applause ]
Actually, there were two native
American women elected to
office.
One of them is sharise Davids.
And if you're Donald Trump,
sharise Davids is your worst
nightmare.
A lesbian native American former
MMA fighter who's been watching
you call Elizabeth Warren
pocahontas for two years now and
could beat your ass if she
wanted to.
[ Laughter ]
In Nevada another bit of
history.
In Nevada they elected the first
dead brothel owner to the state
legislature.
For real.
What a time to be alive, right?
[ Laughter ]
Or dead, I guess.
Dennis hoff, who is kind of a
famous guy.
He owned multiple infamous
brothels, including the bunny
ranch.
Won a spot in the Nevada state
assembly, despite the fact that
he died last month.
You know, sometimes the weekend
at Bernie's movies write
themselves.
[ Laughter ]
This district is so republican
that rather than a democrat,
they voted for a horny ghost.
[ Laughter ]
It must be a weird feeling to
lose an election to a dead pimp.
We tracked down Dennis hoff's
opponent, Lisa Romanoff, an
educator, assistant principal at
a school in Las Vegas, joining
us live very Cisco.
Hello, Lisa, how are you?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Lisa, first of all,
I'm sorry for your loss.
I would imagine it came as quite
a shock.
Yes and no.
We kind of expected, after he
passed, it kind of messed up the
campaign.
Jimmy: Yeah.
Especially for him, really.
[ Laughter ]
Well, he wasn't doing a great
job, but you know.
Jimmy: When that happened,
did you feel like maybe you had
it in the bag?
No.
Actually, when we found that
out, a lot of Republicans had
said they would support us
because they in no way wanted
him up in the legislature.
Jimmy: I see.
So when he died, we knew
immediately that we would have a
lot of Republicans jumping ship.
Jimmy: So his death was the
key to his victory.
Absolutely.
And crazy as that sounds, yes.
Jimmy: Did you try a poster
that said "I'm not dead" or
something like that?
[ Laughter ]
We didn't.
You know, once he died, it was
pretty difficult.
A lot of our literature we could
no longer use.
It's in bad taste to put up
stuff like this.
Jimmy: Right.
[ Laughter ]
So we had to stop the
presses.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jimmy: Thank you, Lisa.
Better luck next time.
One more thing, I want to
congratulate Katie hill, who was
elected to congress not far from
here in California's 25th
district.
Not only did she win, Katie
unwittingly provided us with
last night's "midterm election
unintentional joke of the day."
Over and over again, over the
last few days, I've had people
who have said thank you for
sending your knockers to my
door.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: Thank you, Katie.
Tonight on the show, we have
music from the milk carton kids.
Dennis Miller is here.
And we'll be right back with
Melissa McCarthy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪
Jimmy: Hi, there.
Tonight, you know him from snl
and mnf.
He has a new comedy special
called "fake news, real jokes."
Dennis Miller is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Then, this is their latest
album.
It's called "all the things that
I did and all the things that I
didn't do."
The milk carton kids from the
Mercedes-Benz stage.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Tomorrow night, Anthony Anderson
and Sebastian Stan will join us,
and we'll have music from Jeff
goldblum featuring Haley
reinhardt.
Please join us for that too.
Our first guest tonight is an
Oscar-nominated movie star,
two-time Emmy winner and
many-time spicer.
Her new movie is the
critically-acclaimed real-life
story, "can you ever forgive
me?"
It's in theatres now.
Please say hello to Melissa
McCarthy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪
Jimmy: How are you?
Good.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you so much!
Jimmy: Now I realize I'm
being rude.
I'm not ogling.
I'm looking at the cats.
Those are cats.
My dazzling of cats.
Jimmy: That is quite a vest.
Thank you.
Jimmy: Did Debbie Reynolds
have an estate sale?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, god.
I don't know the lineage, but if
that -- I bought it off of etsy
from a lovely woman in Columbus,
Ohio.
Jimmy: Wow.
I'm going to start lying and
saying, Debbie Reynolds' estate
gave to it me from Columbus,
Ohio.
Jimmy: Tell people you paid
$27,000 for it, it's swarovski.
Are you an etsy regular?
Do you like etsy?
I got a bit of a problem with
etsy.
Jimmy: Do you really?
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
Like it's a little -- like at
some point, you know Ben, my
lovely husband.
Jimmy: Ben Falcone.
Very mellow, lovely guy.
It's the only thing he's ever
really been like, that's
probably enough.
Jimmy: Oh, really.
[ Laughter ]
Every day, it's a box from
Poland!
And I have no idea.
I'm like, it's a brass bull!
What do we do with it?
Jimmy: How do you find the
stuff?
Are you specifically looking for
a brass bull?
Sometimes.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: Sometimes, yes.
And I just recently reviewed
my history.
Jimmy: You did?
It's truly like what they
make like on a crime network,
it's like that means I'm crazy.
Jimmy: What's in there?
So many umbrella stands.
Jimmy: What?
Weird like old --
Jimmy: Up Bella stands?
Yeah.
Jimmy: Do you have a lot of
them?
There's like four, like an
owl!
One looks like a Spanish
conquistador's boot.
That's hilarious!
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: Wow.
Lots of tdecanters.
Lots of rugs.
Jimmy: You have to be careful
with umbrella stands.
People come to your house, they
see that you have more than one
umbrella stand, they're going to
think, she collects umbrella
stands, this could be a great
thing to get her.
That would be great!
Jimmy: Oh, you're okay with
that.
I got a letter from customs,
they wanted to know what my
involvement was with Morocco.
[ Laughter ]
And I was like, oh!
Jimmy: What is your
involvement with Morocco?
None of ya business.
[ Laughter ]
No, we were moving into a house
and I just was like, look at the
rugs!
Look at the rugs!
And it was like 2:30 in the
morning.
Then like eight rugs would show
up.
And I was like, I don't remember
that one at all.
[ Laughter ]
I get like an etsy blackout.
But then I get it and I'm
actually really delighted.
It sounds like I'm a crazy
hoarder.
I'm not!
Jimmy: Not yet you are,
you're too young to abhorreder.
In about 20 years you will be a
hoarder.
Ben's like, where are you?
Boxes.
Jimmy: Behind the umbrella
stands!
Did you vote yesterday?
I did.
Jimmy: I would love it if you
said, no, I did not.
I don't know.
An election?
I had to vote.
Jimmy: Did you go in person
and do it?
Yes, what do I, send my
doppel --
Jimmy: I mailed mine.
I like to go.
I like to go I like to be a part
of it, even though it makes
me -- I get strangely nervous.
Jimmy: I feel the same way.
Do you?
Jimmy: I feel like I'm going
to punch the wrong hole.
I feel I'm going to put in
everything I don't want.
A little bit like when a cop
passes you and you're like, oh,
god.
And I don't know why that
happens.
It's not like I have a trunkload
of cocaine.
I don't know why I get weirdly
nervous when a police officer
passes and then I do -- like I
get weirder so I do look
suspicious.
Jimmy: I think it means you
were raised well.
Like with kind of a fear of -- a
healthy amount of fear.
Raised by nuns.
Jimmy: It was the nuns that
did it to you for sure.
I think I have a little
flashback to, voting might be
the standardized test where you
had to --
Jimmy: Fill in the things.
Your number 2, and somebody's
like, you used number 1, you got
them all wrong.
What?
I thought number 2 was a thing
we called them, I didn't know
that there's a number 2.
Jimmy: Oh, yes.
2 1/2.
I've heard tale you can get 3 on
etsy if you look hard enough.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, god.
I especially get nervous putting
it in.
Like I don't know why.
There's a very nice man, rio
vista elementary school.
Jimmy: Oh, really.
Yes, I was.
Putting it into the machine,
which like -- it's not like I've
only done it once.
I've done this -- I'm almost 30.
[ Laughter ]
But every time I go to put it
into the machine I'm like, I
don't know, do I -- I don't want
to -- do I -- he's like, just
put it in, top side.
I'm like, this top?
This top or that top?
He's like, there's only one top.
Clearly there's a top and I know
there's a top, yet I'm like,
which top, which top?
Then I got really rattled about
face down, face up?
He was like, just exactly how
you're holding it, put it in.
I was like, so like that?
[ Laughter ]
I flipped it skin verted it.
He was like, no, you had it
right.
I put it back to the right way.
Jimmy: Ike lure making a
pancake.
I made a move for it, he was
like, no, no, no, no!
I turned it again.
He was like, turn it back.
Like it took a really weird --
and I got like flushed.
I'm sure he's like, there was
this batty lady.
Jimmy: I bet you every single
person that came through did
that same thing.
Because if you really know how
to do it, it means you've
probably been voting illegally
over and over again.
[ Laughter ]
Those are the people you've got
to -- that I want them to watch
out for, the ones who seem to
know exactly what they're doing.
We should all be really
nervous about it.
Jimmy: We got Russians in our
audience, we have to be really
careful.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Melissa McCarthy is here.
The movie is called "can you
ever forgive me?"
We'll see a little of that when
we come back.
Dicky: Portions of "Jimmy
Kimmel live" brought to you by
liquid-plumr.
$414.
That's more than I just made.
What?
I just sold a little coke.
Right here?
Be some just left.
Keep me away from your seedy
dealings.
Hello, ladies.
I resent that.
May I ask how sweet your
silver roll is?
Perfect.
If you don't like it, I'll eat
it.
Oh!
Yeah, I'll have a coffee.
Jimmy: That is Melissa
McCarthy in "can you ever
forgive me?"
By the way, you were fantastic.
Really, you did an amazing job.
Thank you.
Jimmy: I don't know if you
know, you have 100% on rotten
tomatoes with the top critics.
What?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jimmy: That's not a Donald
Trump statistic, that's actually
from -- that's the information
we read on the site.
So it's factual.
That's unusual.
Jimmy: A funny moment.
It's mostly dramatic, this film.
It is.
Jimmy: Based on a true story.
It is, it's based on Lee
Israel, a biography writer, had
done well for herself for the
'70s and '80s, then fell on hard
times and was told she's
obsolete.
She's also a very prickly,
difficult person.
Caustic is kind of a gentle --
Jimmy: Insulated, surrounded
by -- what was she, she had a
cat, really.
A cat.
It's theme mattic, guys.
Jimmy: The cat's not a person
but the cat is the only thing
she really --
kind of like the only thing
she loved, probably the only
thing that loved her back.
Jimmy: It's a crazy story.
Of how she made money.
She couldn't write anymore.
So she started forging letters
from like Dorothy Parker, Noel
coward, all these amazing
writers.
She wasn't making a lot from it
but she sold 400-some over the
course of a year, was selling
them to antiquities and book
dealers, then got caught by the
FBI and was convicted.
Jimmy: She would match up the
writing?
She all these different
typewriters, it became this
whole thing.
She really was an amazing
writer.
Jimmy: She was living in new
York at that time.
This happened in the '90s.
When she falls on hard times
is in the '90s.
I felt like I was a little
disappointed I didn't know who
she was, because I was in new
York in the '90s, '96, '97.
Jimmy: What was going on with
you at that time?
Wearing cat vests.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: It's before etsy, how
did you get hold of them?
I went right to the source.
Jimmy: Break into people's
homes, yeah.
I was -- god, working --
always probably three jobs.
Just like scrapping so much.
Like we should not have been
living there.
I had no money.
I was like, I can get credit
cards!
You didn't have to back it up.
At 20 I was like, this is
amazing!
They just give me cards!
No thought about like you have
to pay them back.
Jimmy: That is true.
No cash, just go out.
Jimmy: Would your parents
bail you out?
They did.
Jimmy: How are your parents
doing?
They're so good.
Jimmy: I have a picture.
I'd love you to tell the story
before I show it.
Oh, god.
My parents came up to New York.
Mike and Sandy.
For the premiere of "can you
ever forgive me?"
You know, they've met people.
They're like, that's neat.
When I said I was doing your
show, they're like, does Jimmy
need us to come back?
I'm like, easy, easy, guys.
Jimmy: You're welcome any
time, they are welcome.
So they are very sweet.
So they don't get crazy about
anybody.
Judge Judy was at our premiere.
And my parents went bat
[ Bleep ].
[ Laughter ]
I'm not kidding.
My dad was like, oh my god!
Oh my god!
Judge -- judge -- judge Judy,
yo
Judy!
And my mom was like, oh!
Look at the grip of death.
[ Laughter ]
It looks like my mom's maybe
holding a gun on her in the
back.
[ Laughter ]
They were so -- look at how
happy she is.
Look at that.
By the way, judge Judy is
awesome.
Jimmy: She is very nice,
judge Judy.
She's such a hoot.
Jimmy: Your mother's about to
twist her into a balloon animal.
[ Laughter ]
Oh my god.
I was like, let judge Judy go!
Let her go!
My other friend that never cares
who's in the room, he lost his
mind.
Jimmy: For judge Judy?
Yes, my friend Michael, like
shoved me aside and went at her.
A big, tall guy.
I was like, don't scare her.
Jimmy: You can't scare judge
Judy.
You cannot.
Jimmy: God help anybody that
takes on judge Judy.
It's great to see you.
Please give your parents my
best.
I will, I will.
Jimmy: Melissa McCarthy.
The movie is called "can you
ever forgive me"?
It's in theaters now.
We'll be right back.
Dicky: Portions of "Jimmy
Kimmel live" are brought to you
by liquid-plumr.
It's time for "dumb moments
in election history."
In 1948, "the Chicago daily
tribune" accidentally reported,
dewy defeats Truman.
Stop the presses?
1986, lajitas, Texas, elected as
mayor a beer-drinking goat.
Baaaad choice!
In 2016, Americans elected a
reality TV show host with a
trail of failed casinos to the
office of president of the
United States.
Whoops!
Bing, bing, bong, bong --
that was a dumb moment in
election history.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jimmy: Still to come, music
from the milk carton kids.
You know our next guest from the
original fake news, weekend
update on snl, which he anchored
for six years.
He has a new standup comedy
special called "fake news, real
jokes" available on Amazon,
iTunes and other digital
platforms now.
Please welcome Dennis Miller.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪
Jimmy: So stylish.
Thanks.
She was sweet enough to keep
this.
Jimmy: That wasn't a
coincidence.
Yes, get that back to etsy
immediately.
How are you doing?
Jimmy, where's the Russian
kid and the French guy?
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: He's right in the
front.
A French young woman -- a
Russian gentleman --
you guys going to do a little
colluding tonight?
[ Laughter ]
This is your first time on the
show.
14 years, Jimmy.
Jimmy: 16, 16.
16.
Sorry.
Jimmy: Yeah.
You can't just cut two years
out.
Two years are a lot of years.
You look so smooth out there,
brother, good for you.
Jimmy: Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I have known your brother Jimmy
for a wrong time.
Your brother is a very
successful manager of comedians.
He told me you and he send
each other frozen sandwiches or
something?
Jimmy: That is true.
Explain.
I know what he sends from our
end is our favorite hoagie from
Pittsburgh.
Jimmy: Danny's, that's right,
that's what he sent me.
What do you send back to him?
I sent him as I recall a
z-man sandwich from Oklahoma
Joe's in Kansas City, which is
now called Joe's of Kansas City.
But it was -- we started talking
about sandwiches.
And then the exchange program.
You know him better than me,
I've never talked sandwiches
with him and he's my brother.
It strikes me as odd in the
times we live.
It's so troubled.
You can actually still send a
torpedo-shaped object through
the mail?
Jimmy: Yes, you can.
And get it through to
somebody else?
Jimmy: Yes, absolutely.
I assume it comes in cold to
your security room, and after
they X-ray it it's heated?
Jimmy: No you'd be surprised,
sometimes I'm so hungry I eat it
frozen.
[ Laughter ]
Did you vote yesterday?
I know you're very involved with
politics.
That's the odd thing.
I probably pay -- I make jokes
off politics.
I worked on a rally for years.
He has a political show.
It's a place where I hung my
hat.
Left to my own devices I'm not
mad for politics.
Jimmy: So you've been pushed
into that a little bit?
From a career standpoint.
Once you're a "weekend update"
anchor you make jokes about the
current events.
Left to my own devices.
I went to vote yesterday and I
won't even -- I live in a surf
town and they don't even give
you the sticker.
You have to get "I voted"
tattooed above your pubic mound.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: They're tattooing
people?
It's a hell of a thing.
Jimmy: I have to tell you
something.
You and I have met before.
Yeah.
Jimmy: A couple of times.
And you know, I was always a big
fan of yours.
And people, though, today are
like, what?
I think people get upset because
you're conservative.
Because you're a comedian.
I think it's weird for a
comedian to be conservative.
Unusual, I should say.
They say, what happened to you?
What did happen to you, Dennis?
[ Laughter ]
I'm socially liberal as
anybody.
Jimmy: Are you?
When I look at -- I was
watching backstage.
This is how interesting things
are.
When I watch Trump, he doesn't
rankle me like he rankles people
on your side.
There are days he's a buffoon.
There are days I can't believe
the stuff he says.
Today when I watch that thing, I
kind of laugh.
I watch pelosi and she drives me
batty.
Jimmy: Interesting.
I know on your side, I think
pelosi's kind of acceptable and
she says stuff like that, that
drives me more crazy.
All I know is this.
I've met so many nice people,
most of my dearest friends in
the world are liberals.
I refuse to go through life
defining who I'm going to be
friends with, who I'm going to
love, who I'm going to hang with
from a "d" or "r" after people's
names.
When I look at socially liberal,
that's when I don't dig what the
conservatives do, they come off
like the town elders from
"footloose" and that's a drag to
me.
I think liberalism's like a nude
beach, it sounds good till you
get there.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Then there's a lot of kankles
and misspelled tattoos.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy: I want to members your
special.
It is very funny.
I've watching this special and
laughing.
Then we come to this.
One thing I don't watch
anymore is the oscars.
Instead of watching the oscars
this year, I kayaked solo across
the pacific with a rabid raccoon
in my lap.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jimmy: Oh.
I hosted the oscars.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy, honey, baby.
Let me finish.
Listen.
You get show business.
And I like the way that you
alternatingly, like may, are our
good friend Marty short, take it
seriously when it deserves it,
you piss on it when it deserves
that too.
After you finish their
monologue, I think they take
themselves way too serious.
Jimmy: Of course.
As much as I'd like to stick
around for two hours and see
what the associate sound editor
on "Thor: Ragnarok," the way he
wants me to vote, I can't do it.
It's just gotten too heavy for
me.
Jimmy: You actually would be
surprises, he's actually quite
conservative.
[ Laughter ]
We met at Marty short's
house.
Jimmy: That's right.
We had eight male comedians
having dinner together.
It was like "the real housewives
of penittown reunion."
Like the freemasons with better
grudges.
Jimmy: Yeah, that was a fun
night, actually.
You would think it would
be -- you'd get eight male
comedians together at a dinner
table would be like monkeys
fighting over a premise with
fondue forks.
It was polite and informative.
I met you and your baby had
just --
Jimmy: We'd just had that
issue.
It was so much fun.
In a may you were like the mayor
of penistown.
Martin short was kind of like
the governor or president of
penistown.
It was his town we were in.
It was gene Levy.
Jimmy: Right.
Tom Hanks.
Was Hanks there?
Jimmy: He showed up.
Conan o'brien.
Andy samberg.
A kid anynamed Nick control.
You, I, John mullany.
We had to have a 24/7 heimlich
person on.
As we ate -- it was the funniest
table I've ever sat at.
Jimmy: It was a lot of fun
and you were the funniest one at
the table.
I think it's a great message is
that, comedy is stronger than
politics, folks.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, Jeff.
Oh, Jeff's on vacation.
Anyway.
It was great.
Thanks, brother.
Jimmy: Your special is very
funny.
"Fake news, real jokes" is
downloadable now and you can see
Dennis on tour with Mark steyn
February 22nd in reading,
Pennsylvania, and February 23rd
in Syracuse.
We'll be back with the milk
carton kids!
Dicky: The "Jimmy Kimmel
live" concert series is
presented by Mercedes-Benz.
The best or nothing.
Dicky: T
live" concert series is
presented by Mercedes-Benz.
The best or nothing.
Jimmy: I want to thank
Melissa McCarthy and Dennis
Miller.
Apologies to Matt Damon.
"Nightline" is next.
But first, this is their album
"all the things that I did and
all the things that I didn't
do."
Here with the song "younger
years" - the milk carton kids!
♪
♪
♪ above the plains of Omaha
I think of all
the suffering I saw
the soaking ♪
♪ of the pavement
sprawled upon a land
without a law
everythin' I loved ♪
♪ everythin' I found
what I hoped for
frightened and surrounded
who else is there ♪
♪ to turn to anymore
oh I held out my arms
oh I held out my arms
held out my arms ♪
♪ whoa
ho ho oh
there was a time
I spoke the truth ♪
♪ but my younger years
were wasted on my youth
somewhere I awakened
with a crack to a pounding ♪
♪ on the roof
sure I heard the sound
as evidence or better yet
as proof ♪
♪ I was naked as the day
I was born 'neath
the fullness of the moon
oh I held out my arms ♪
♪ oh I held out my heart held
out my heart ♪
♪ I held out my heart
whoa
ho ho oh ♪
♪
♪ far away I hear singing
far away a song ♪
♪
♪
♪
♪ the blinding light
of morning came flooding
through the window
like a friend ♪
♪ like a wild revelation
like a shining invitation
to attend
spoken as a prayer ♪
♪ unbroken by despair
I make amends
the love inside our hearts
is the only kind ♪
♪ of savior we've been sent
oh I held out my heart ♪
♪ I held out my heart held out
my heart ♪
♪ whoa ho ho oh
♪
♪
[ Cheers and applause ]