Jersey Shore Family Vacation (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - What's in the Bag? - full transcript

After five years apart, everyone's favorite guidos are reuniting in Miami for a family vacation, but The Situation's legal issues have put his trip in jeopardy.

It's...t-shirt time!
Time!

We're back, bitches.

We're in Miami!

Whoo!

We're getting the
crew back together.

Things have changed,
but they really haven't changed.

Check out my poof, bitch.
Blowouts and poofs.

Blowouts and poofs.

Get over here!

I'm 100% positive

that this is gonna be the wildest
vacation we've ever had.



Mom's gone wild!

Best moms ever.
Yes.

But there's gonna be
some drama.

This is literally
gonna... ruin my marriage.

They have a history together.

It is harmless fun.
It is with glee.

The last... night.
Did you not say that?

Old... gonna come up.

It's not all about you, Ron!

Okay...
You narcissistic......!

I don't wanna talk
about it, you annoying!

You're the best friend ever!

Oh, my God.
You're the worst!

You got nothing, girl!



End of the... story.
Bottom line.

Going out in Miami

and being in a relationship
is pretty hard.

I got a pregnant girlfriend.

If Ronnie gets
any closer to this girl,

he's about to have
a second baby mama.

I can't explain it.
Put us all together,

and it's a show.

Yo, I wanna pee!
Oh, my God.

Nicole, stop.

Not much has changed.

Yo!

We need to find Pauly,
like, a nice girl.

I'm trying to find the
right one to share my life with.

I can't believe Pauly's,
like, gonna propose to her.

Oh, hey, boo!

What the is that?!

It's about to be the craziest
"Jersey Shore" you've ever seen.

Family Vacation!

The chances of survival,
it's very slim.

You think I'm a dirty
little hamster?

Oh,.

Yeah, buddy!

Party's here!

The Situation
is under construction.

This might not have been
the best idea.

We're so classy now.

Yo, whattup, kid?

Get the frig out of here,
you crazy!

God, you pulled my hair out!

After the "Shore,"
me and Jionni got married.

I always said I want
to meet a tan guido

and I want to have tan babies,

and it literally happened
just like that.

Stop!
Give me my phone!

I got two kids,
Lorenzo and Giovanna.

I'm basically just
a hot mess mom.

The fireplace
has to get done.

The TV has to get moved.
The fish, don't kill them.

No, the fish
will be fine.

Life after the "Shore"
is crazy.

I'm sorry.
I know.

And a lot has changed.

I'm a mom.
Two kids, Meilani and Greyson.

A husband, Roger.
Love you.

- And three goldfish.
- Like, real in my house.

This is actually
the only action

that the room gets.
Hi-yah!

Since "Jersey Shore",
life has been insane.

Who would've thought?

A little small town boy
from Rhode Island

is out here in Las Vegas.

I'm telling you.
I'm the number one guido,

and I still am killing it.
It never fell off.

We keep bikes
inside the house.

I was never allowed to keep
bikes inside the house,

but now I do,
'cause I'm my own boss.

Like, I'm living the life
I've always wanted to live.

No regular doors
on these Lambos.

That's how I know it's mine.

"PAULYD", you know
what I'm saying?

- Nice watch.
- That is fresh.

Babe, come here.

My life has
been, uh, pretty crazy

since the show, you know?

I live in Vegas.
I have a girlfriend, Jen.

Um, so I have a photographer
coming in a minute

and we're gonna do
a maternity shoot.

Like, pregnancy shoot?

Well, I am a soon-to-be dad,
it seems.

You think you can
control yourself?

Yeah, of course I can
control myself, yeah. Yeah?

I'm definitely grown up.
I'm definitely an adult.

As much as I make mistakes

or I might've strayed
or do the wrong thing,

I always try to do
the right thing.

I have a reason
to control myself.

We'll see.
Yeah.

We'll see.

Yeah.
I'm not that stupid.

Whoo!
There's not really crazy stuff

going on in my life,
but there is a change.

I do have a girlfriend, Elicea.

Go iron my clothes.
No, I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.
Good one.

I live in my own house now.

My mom doesn't live
with me anymore.

Whaaat? What's going on here?
I grew up.

Vinny, I'm here
with your laundry.

Well, kinda.

I got some dirty ones for you.

My mom's doing well,
in case you were wondering.

Are you putting
lipstick on me?

Yeah.
Ma!

She's exactly the same.
She lives around the corner.

Want me to help you
cut the chicken?

Still super smothering,
invasive self that she is.

Elicea, you gonna be able
to deal with this family?

If I can handle you,
I can handle anything, you know?

That's my girl.

o the second send-off.

"Jersey Shore". Cheers.

Family dinner!

Good luck, Vin.

Vin, don't forget.
You gotta be good this time,

you know what I'm saying?
I'll be good. I'll be good.

Hi! You're home!

Me and Chris got married.

I'm a little classier,
but I'm still a meat ball.

But yeah, I'm really
excited about going.

I mean, I'm gonna miss Chris
and I'll miss you.

Just wish Dad was here.
I know.

Unfortunately,
my dad did pass away.

We found out he had leukemia...
in November,

and he passed by June.

Losing someone that close,
you just learn

to move on and live on.

But that piece will never
fully be there, you know?

Enjoy yourself. Enjoy
your roommates... Yeah.

for old time's sake,
and you know what?

Daddy will be watching.
No, I know.

He'll be like,
"You crazy..."

He'll be cheering you on.

He'll be saying,
"Have another drink."

Yeah.

It's freezing out there, babe.
Hi, baby.

You look beautiful.
Thank you.

Lauren is my beautiful
girlfriend.

We were college sweethearts.

She's my rock, she stayed by me
through thick and thin.

The plan is, I'm gonna go
down to see my roommates.

And then I'm gonna try to
get you down there. Okay.

And the court situation,
I'm gonna count on you

to communicate with me
if the lawyer needs anything.

I'm going through
a serious court case.

United States versus...

and they even have
the nickname "The Situation"

on the paperwork.
So crazy.

I've battled Ronnie, I've been
punched in the face by JWoww,

I've took on a concrete wall
in Italy.

But now, the United States
versus The Situation.

That is an adversary, man,
that you just don't wanna see.

I'm gonna have to call my
lawyer right now, honey. Okay.

I do have court
in the next couple months.

There is, um, some fear
in there.

My freedom is jeopardized.

Yeah, uh, I just wanna
let you guys know

some of the details
of my trip.

And there's nothing
that I need more

than to see my roommates
and have this vacation.

All right.

Eww, make it so sexual.

Buh-bye.
What?

My husband, like, "I'm gonna
bang you when I get home."

Like, calm down.

He wants to bang you
like a whore?

No, I said that.
Oh.

Who says that?
You.

You're pretty raunchy,
I gotta say.

Yeah, but I work it.

No, that's not
a bad thing.

It's been a long time
since we've all been living

under the same roof,
and we all grew up.

Take your titty out.

Sort of.

Why you wanna see
my titty again?

'Cause your titty is nice.

Your titty's nice.
I like your titties.

You both have nice,
fake titties, okay?

Thanks, Dee.

I mean, me and the roomies always
said we were gonna get together.

But I mean,
it's been five years now

and we still haven't done it
because like, I was pregnant,

having kids, Jenni was pregnant
having kids.

And then Deena's married.

Pauly's, like,
DJing everywhere,

so it's like hard to get him
to settle down.

But now everyone's
just kind of cruising,

so this is the perfect time.

I just can't believe we're
about to go to Miami together.

I know.

Yes, bitches, live!
Nice.

Danny!

Yay!

What's up, girls?

I cannot believe
we're back here.

This is a family reunion.

When you think
of family reunions,

your whole family
has the same t-shirt on

and you're, like, so corny
and stupid.

So I wanted to get
t-shirts made of all of us.

You three girls are here,
where's the fourth amiga?

Sam? Y e a h .

She's, like, settled down now.

She found a really good guy
and she's...

I don't think
she wants to relive

- the Ronnie-Sam stuff.
- Oh.

I'm really sad
Sam isn't, you know,

coming to Miami with us.

I'm the sweetest bitch
you'll ever meet,

but do not with me.

I tried to get her
to come so many times.

Stop! Stop it!
Get out then!

How about you do you,
I'll do me?

And I could tell she was just
so over, you know,

living in a house
with a whole bunch of people.

You will never find
someone like me.

She's really happy
with who she's with.

So, you know, I was like,
all right, I get it.

Sam and Ron are done.

But I'm really sad
she's not gonna be here,

and I hope she doesn't
regret not coming.

No more tears
for Sammi Sweetheart.

Cheers to how your lives
turned out

by working at the Shore Store.

Thank you, Danny, for shaping our life.
Thank you, Danny!

By working here,
you all met husbands.

Thank you.

All right,
I gotta go.

That's nice.

Actually, I don't really
need to poop.

I have something else
up my sleeve.

Oh my goodness,
oh my goodness, oh my goodness.

I feel like we need to bring
a little Jersey to Miami.

So I'm like, Danny, bitch,
we're raiding your shore house.

Eww!

Do you remember me?

My little baby!

Eww, it's probably dirty.

Do you remember
our times together?

You were such an ,
and now I love you.

There we go.

What up, what up, what up?
Yo!

How you doing?
Got my new coat on.

What's up, buddy? What is that?
What is that, chinchilla?

What's up, brother?
Look at you, man.

I gotta take my glasses off
and see you all shined up, man.

Look at you.
You lost that baby fat.

Yeah, bro. Baby fat.

You know what I mean? Looking good.
What's going on, bro?

Since last time you saw me
at the shore,

I am a completely
different person than I was.

I mean, I'm super into
nutrition and the way I eat.

I hear The Situation's
under construction, right?

The Situation
is under construction.

All right. It will take
a little bit of time.

Okay, so, let's construct it.

I'm working out now,
trying to get abs.

I feel the best I've ever felt,
mentally, physically,

spiritually,
emotionally, everything.

You look great, bro.
You're like a new person.

I know that you're all into
bettering yourself now

and everything.
Oh, yeah, man.

We used to just look at
the outside of The Situation,

now we're looking at the inside.
We're going full package now.

Since the last time
you've seen The Situation,

I was pretty much just a shell
of the person I am today.

Today, The Situation
lives with integrity.

I don't lie, I don't cheat,
I don't steal,

I don't drink,
I don't drug.

I'm a top mans today.

So, yo,
you ready to go?

Yeah, man,
I'm ready to go, man.

I'm real excited, man,
'cause I thought y'all

was gonna go without me, man,
you know what I mean?

We would never go
without you, bro.

You know we made
this pact together.

Can't go without you. Yeah, I
know, but I couldn't leave

the country and then I...
I heard.

Yeah, I couldn't leave the country,
I got this little court situation.

How's that looking?

It's rough out there in the
streets, you know what I mean?

Right now, I'm going through
a major federal court case.

I am being accused
of tax evasion,

and I'm trying to move forward.

I have respect for the system,
the judge, the process,

and faith in God that I'm gonna
move forward one day at a time.

I've dealt with this case
for four years. Mm-hmm.

And if I gotta take
my medicine or do some time,

I gotta do it, you know what I mean?
Yeah.

I'm definitely afraid
for Mike.

I mean, it sucks because he's
in the best place of his life,

he totally changed
his life around.

So I really do
feel bad for him.

Like I said, yo,
I'm always here for you.

Thank you, brother.
And supporting you.

I don't want that
happening to my friends.

Yeah, no, I know, brother.

- Can we get dinner please?
- Yes, let's go.

You guys are gonna die.
Are you ready?

Why?

I stole something
from the shore house.

You ready?
What?

Quack, quack, quack!

Oh, my God!
Stop!

No, no!

Hi, guys, I'd like
to order a cab.

Yeah!

Danny's gonna kill us,
but it's awesome.

We're gonna have the duck phone
in Miami.

The duck phone
is like our pet.

That would look
like a freaking disaster.

Like... Eww.

Ooh, you look sexy.

No.
Jenni is sexy.

Aww...
Titty mama!

Nicole!

I can do that,
I'm her sister.

Motherhood has definitely
not slowed Nicole down.

I don't think Nicole
will ever slow down.

Would you consider
me and Nicole a sister?

Of course.

Would you consider Pauly, Ron,
Vinny, and Mike brothers?

Yeah.
Same.

I'm a little nervous to see Ron

because me and Ron did have
a little bit of a hiccup.

When my dad passed away,

Ron didn't reach out
to me at all.

My dad was, like, my best
friend and everybody knew it.

It, like, really broke my heart.

Let's call Mike
and see what he says.

Let's call him.
It's been way too long.

Yo.

Yay! Mike! Shh!

Oh, my God, I apologize.

I'm so sorry.
Hi, Mike!

So sorry for that.

They are the absolute
worst human beings.

Me? "They're"?

My roommates are crazy.
Hey, Mike!

I was just getting
out of the shower.

Are you so ready?

Oh, don't be nervous.
Why you nervous? Weirdo.

Don't be nervous.
You love us.

What did they offer you?
What are you doing?

Dude, like, prison's no joke.

Like, "Orange is the New Black."
I saw that , it's scary.

I don't want him going to jail.

He is literally
not gonna survive.

It's.
I'm just very concerned.

What is worst case scenario
for you if you're found guilty?

What?
Five? Ten?

You have to sum up Miami
for me with single Ronnie.

Bro, I was out of control.
I like single Ronnie.

Everyone likes single Ronnie.
I like Miami.

Me and Ronnie
both live in Las Vegas.

But I don't see Ronnie
too much because I'm busy

doing my work DJing
all over the world.

So I'm happy to get together.

Now everybody's in
a different place in their life

and we're coming back together.
It's gonna be dope.

Who's got kids?
Who got married?

Mike's all different now.

I don't know what Mike's
gonna do. I feel like...

Mike's two years sober now.

I feel like
he's plotting something.

You don't trust him 'cause he's too nice.
Yeah, too nice.

I don't know what's
gonna go on with Mike.

We had so much friction
for so many years.

And now,
it's like this new Mike.

I hope he stays sober,
I'm not gonna lie.

But I kinda want to see him
be a dick

to someone else besides me.

And then Sammi.

What, Sammi's not gonna come.
Why wouldn't Sammi come?

Yeah, I... I don't know.

I think, I'm like...
I'm still confused about it.

Is she dating somebody? What's her deal?
I mean, yeah.

She's with this kid
for what, eight months?

All I know is that
he popped up on Instagram,

looks exactly like you.
I'm like, what the...

He does look like me, huh?

He does.
A little bit.

So once we
left the shore house,

me and Sam decided
we're gonna take the next step

and we moved in
with each other.

'Cause we were getting towards
that stage where it was like

I either have to
or get off the pot.

She gave me a timeline.

She's like, "I wanna get
married in six months."

And like, I'm still trying to
figure my life out. Holy.

I got cold feet, you know?

I wanted to do the right thing,

but there was a part of me
that was like,

I'm not gonna do the right thing.
So I didn't do it.

I ended up cheating.
She found out.

I blew it, it's over.

So is there anything
that you could say to her,

or maybe I could say to her,
to get her to come?

There's probably
one thing we could say.

What?

Now I have a baby on the way.

You what?!
What?

Yeah, I'm having a kid, bro.

Get the outta here.

What the?

How could you have
a child with somebody

that I haven't even met yet?

Holy ,
you're gonna be a dad.

I am.
Just like you.

Wow.
Who knows?

Um, I haven't told
anyone yet.

Wow, congratulations.

Not the most ideal situation,
but what is?

Regardless of whether
you marry this girl,

whether you stay
with this girl,

you need to take care
of your child.

You're with that child for life.
Yeah.

I'm not with the baby mother, but
I'm with my daughter for life.

And that's my whole life.

I'll always be
a husband,

boyfriend, but I'll
never be a father.

Exactly.

I mean, this is
grown man.

And I have a kid too.
I've been through it.

I will help him.
I mean, I've seen Ronnie cry.

He's probably gonna cry again,
but I got his back in this.

You know you're a dad right?
Uh, so are you, right?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

What the hell happened?

Later, brother.
Later.

Hello?

Nicole.

Hi, Pauly!

What are you doing?

What's going on?

Please, you tell me
what's going on.

Wait, so did you hear
anything about, um, Sam?

Do you think she changed
her mind or no?

Uh, I have not.

I haven't heard
anything from her, but...

did you hear about Ronnie?
Wait...

Ronnie knocked up a chick
and it's not Sammie.

Oh, my God!

Do I have single Ronnie?
Do I not have single Ronnie?

Like, is he single? Is he...

I don't... that's the part
I don't get yet.

Well, did you ask him?

Yeah, and he's, like,
with this girl.

He's like, ehh, he's trying
to do the right thing.

That's what he keeps saying,
"trying to do the right thing."

So trying or doing
the right thing, you know?

Yeah, if you're "trying" then he's
definitely gonna hook up with other chicks.

Oh.

Come on, Ron.

Gigi, wanna come
with me to Miami?

You're silly.

Sorry.

You might be the only person

who brings a pillow
and blanket on vacation.

Well, I don't like to sleep
on other people's stuff.

What're you doing?
Getting ready to go.

You're getting skinnier
by the day, Vinny.

That's right.
Skinny Vinny.

You know what
they call me, right?

Mm-mm.
Keto Guido.

Long as you don't
lose your butt.

You always had
a beautiful butt.

Yeah, you have...
where is it, Vin?

Oh, my God,
you lost your butt.

Even if the wheels
fell off here,

you know I would never admit
to it 'cause I'm that stubborn.

Everything's gonna
be fine, I'm good.

This will be my reading material.
It's two years sober.

My bags are packed,
I'm ready to go.

Can't wait to see my friends.
Let's do this.

Boom!
Hair gel's packed.

Bye, I love you.
I love you.

Be good.
I will.

Don't make me come down there
and get all crazy.

Oof.

Hello? Mm-hmm.

So what does that
mean exactly?

I'm at the airport,
I'm waiting for Deena.

And it's still
early as.

There's my friend Ron.

And isn't he a handsome one?
What's up, dude?

We're going to Miami.

We are heading to Miami.

Are you ready?
I'm ready.

I like Miami.

Yo, I actually
just got off the phone...

whew... with, uh, my guy.

And, um, I'm not gonna be
able to go to Miami right now.

You're the only one that knows.
Okay.

That you're not coming.
Um... that I'm not coming, no.

Holy . I have to
handle this court situation.

To say I'm disappointed
right now is an understatement.

I was ready to go, happy to see
my roommates, bags packed.

Phone call from my lawyer,
everything stopped.

You know, there is a possibility
that I cannot come.

And that's why I have
to pretty much, um,

own up to my past mistakes
and try to put this behind me.

So there's a chance
that you could do time

or not do time, right?
Yeah.

Mike can possibly go to jail

while we're in Miami.

Damn, like, I didn't know,
like, it was that real.

I'm hoping and praying
that I can go.

Um, I'm already packed,

um, but there's a possibility,
like I said,

I'm gonna call you guys
and be like, yo, I can't go.

It's the same as
driving anywhere else.

Same as Jersey.

Oh, my God.
I'm gonna spew.

That's aggressive
on the brake.

Well...

Ohh!
Oh, my God!

We in Miami, baby. Woo-hoo!

I love palm trees.

This is so pretty.

The water is so clear.
I know.

So I'm supposed to be flying
with Mike and...

Mike isn't next to me
because he's not coming.

It's a mother compound!

This is like
an Italian villa.

This is so pretty.

Eww, we're like, rich!

- So bougie.
- This is bougie.

Oh, my God,
it's like a castle.

Oh, my God, this is like Italy.

We have a pool!
Where?

Stop it!
Oh, my God!

This is awesome.

Our backyard is amazing.

We have an ocean view,
we have a pool

so we can always like, sit out
here and contemplate life.

I can't wait to pee in it!

Honey, how's this look?

You look good.

Is it... it's, uh, just the
top button, right, honey?

Yeah.
Always just the top button.

I'm on my way to court right now

and, um, it's not
a great feeling.

I have no say
on if I can go down to Miami.

Everything is contested.

This day right now can easily
decide the rest of my life.

Let's go.

Is this it?

Wow, this is it.

Yo, this is it,
we're here.

Row that, bitch!

- Row! Row!
- Row that ho!

We're your new neighbors!

Okay.
This is a little upgrade.

We're brand new.
We're from Jersey.

Hello? Whoa!
Mom?

Yeah, this is dope!

Oh, someone's here!

It's Ronnie and Pauly! It's Ronnie
and Pauly! It's Ronnie and Pauly!

We got a pool, bitches!

This is Miami.

The pools, Jacuzzis,
backyard,

beautiful view
of everything that we want.

Like, this is Miami
right now.

Did you just
get highlights?

You too. You like that, right?
Nice frost.

Frost highlights. Looks good, right?
Looks good, right?

Are you in middle school?

What, did you just
get a new face?

You're an . Dick.

Hey, listen,
we back in Miami!

Where is eve...
we're missing some people.

Vin and Mike.

I wanna check this place out.

Yeah, let's go look around.
Let's go look around.

All right, guys.
We'll bring you upstairs...

You girls look hot.

You look like you
haven't aged.

Ever. Thank you, though.
Thank you.

Girls are looking brand new.
They got some work done.

I'm talking about
lip injections,

Botox,
whatever you call that stuff.

They be getting it.

Sam is at the airport,
she was in traffic.

I really wish she was coming.

Do you really wanna deal
with that ,

- to be honest?
- It's over.

Wait, I just want to say
one thing.

Sam is our friend,

so I... I will not like anybody
talking bad about her.

Same.
I'm not talking bad.

If anybody talks bad
about Sam, I'll be sad.

Listen, I never say anything bad about her.
All right good.

She's a great woman.
She's gonna make

- a great mother, a great wife.
- Same.

Oooh! She is
absolutely amazing.

He's talking about Sam,
it's only been 13 seconds.

- Seven minutes.
- , like,

- I'm not attacking her.
- I totally get it.

But I just wanted
to put it out there.

Sam's my girl, like,
we talk all the time.

And I told her, like,
I wasn't gonna let anybody

talk badly about her.

So, you know,
I'm sticking by that.

How does it feel
being the only single one?

It's kinda weird.
It's kinda weird.

But Ron, Ron, this is your time
to get wild. We're married.

Because once you
have a child...

This is your time
to shine, bitch.

This is my Dadchelor Party.

Literally.
Go crazy, get wild,

because once you have
that baby, bitch, it's done.

Ron has rules.
What's your rules?

I can... I can look.

Mm-hmm.
Can't touch.

- Can't touch, I can talk.
- Obviously.

That's it. That's good.

Jen told me,
"Hey, have fun.

Have a good time,
enjoy yourself."

She knows my lifestyle
and she knows

that there's always
gonna be girls, you know?

And that's what I feel like
a real relationship is... trust.

Cheers to our kids.
Yes.

'Cause we're adults.

Salut!

Yeah, parent lives!

Soon. Soon, all right.

Deena could be pregnant now.
Right now?

Should we get you a pregnancy test?
No, I'm definitely not.

No? Are you sure?
How do you know?

Yeah, we used a condom

'cause I didn't want to
have to worry about...

Ew, condom, what are you, 1990?

Because I didn't
want to get...

Just tell him to pull out.
A condom?

What is this...

Ronnie, who are you
talking to?!

That's what happened to you!
Yeah, look at you!

Exactly!
Look who's talking!

His couch pulls out,
but he don't.

My couch pulls out,
but I don't.

I do have one rule,
and it's to have

a good time regardless.

I'm a kid in a
candy store in Miami,

and I know Ronnie is too.

So here we have Ronnie
in a relationship,

but you're putting him in Miami?

That's like dangling
a chocolate cake

in front of my face
and telling me I can't eat it.

We might end up with
another girl pregnant

with Ronnie's baby, you feel me?

Damn. Some, like,
Hollywood Hills.

Nicole, get the girls out.
I wanna babysit. Oh, yeah.

Aren't they nice?
They look good.

I got my boobs done.
I love them.

Yo, yo...

- It's my boyfriend!
- Wait, where's Mike?

Where's my boyfriend?
Where's the other half of you?

Where's the other half?

Where's Mike?

I can wrap my hands
around you now.

Why is he so skinny?
God I've missed you!

Why are you so skinny?
God, I've missed you!

What are you, anorexic?

Where's the rest of Vinny?

Where's the rest of Vinny?
Where's Mike?

Where's Mike?
Um...

Michael Sorrentino,
also known as "The Situation"

of "Jersey Shore",
is in court today

where he'll be entering his plea
on charges of tax evasion.

I have some
news for you guys.

What?

So he has, like,
a big court date

for his, like, plea deal.
Oh my God.

Like for whatever's going
on with him. When?

Like now.

Depending on how this goes,

he might not be able
to come here at all.

Oh, my God!

Holy.
Are you kidding me?

Seriously?

Where's Mike?

Where's Mike?

I have some news
for you guys.

Mike picked me up today

and, um, as soon as we got
to the airport, he said,

"I'm not getting on the flight
with you because I have court."

Depending on how this goes,

he might not be able
to come here at all.

Oh, my God! Holy

Are you kidding me?

Real talk.
They moved the court date,

like, for his arraignment.

Is Mike definitely
not coming or no?

This is what he told me 'cause I
was in the car with him today.

He's like, I'm willing to
accept whatever happens to me,

which obviously
could mean jail.

Jesus. Oh, my God.

I can't picture Mike in jail.
I'm sorry, I can't picture it.

He won't make it.
Oh, my God.

I'm really worried
for my man Mike right now.

I don't wish what
he's going through on anybody.

We're already
missing Sam, that sucks.

We even made him a drink!
Now Mike?

Like, that's just too much.

This is 50/50 right now
if he can actually make it

into this house
or go to jail.

If Mike doesn't come here,
it's not gonna feel the same.

You wanna check
out the room situation?

- We haven't picked yet.
- Yeah, yeah.

You got a bed,
a bed, and a bed.

And a smush room.

Technically that's a smush room,
if you wanna call it.

Pauly should get
the smush room.

Right, I'm down with that.

Yeah, but then what... but then
where is... where would Mike be?

Would he get his own room?

We're gonna leave Mike
alone by himself?

Yeah, that is
kind of up.

I mean it is, but at
the same time, like...

He didn't pay his taxes.

Yeah, that's his punishment.
You get to sleep alone.

Nah, nah, nah,
that's up.

You're a savage.

I am savage.
I'm ruthless.

Eww, that's so big.
Look it,

the kitchen's
already a mess.

Oh, my God.

I can't.

Gross.
The worst.

Oh, my God, I can't eat
pickles like I used to.

It makes me feel sad that
we don't have everybody here.

We're on a vacation,
it's Miami.

I wanna be happy.

So I have a surprise
for the house,

and I can't wait
to break it out.

Wait, he has a dead body.

What the is that?

What's happening?

Is there someone
in there?

Pauly, what is that?
What is that?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is that Angelina?

That is so scary.
That is so scary.

Pauly, what is it,
you weirdo?

Is it a Christmas tree?

I feel like that's a head.

The is that?!

Ronnie, come take a look
at this, buddy.

What the is that?

There's a
dead body in there.

We're already criminals.
That's great.

What is that? Yo!

Oh, hey, Sam.

Holy.

Oh, my...

Listen, listen,
listen, listen, listen.

If you're not
a guido, then you can get

the out of my face.

That's so wrong.

Wait, wait, if I have sex with
her, is that still cheating?

Yes.

Ron... Yo!

Come here.
I got you, babe.

I've missed you. I-I-I...

She's heavy, dude.

Ron, stop.
Ron, stop.

I'm just carrying her
like I did...

- Oh, that's...
- that's up.

Oh, my God.

Listen.
Ron, stop!

Ron, stop!
Why is this happening?

She knew it was
gonna happen.

Really, she said
she's in a happy place.

Yo, guys, did
you read the shirt?

"I'm in a really good place."

Oh, my God!

I hate you all.

I get Pauly wanted to
bring this new Sammi in as, like,

"Oh, Sammi's with us
and this is great

and the entire family's here."

But come on, bitch,
this thing is weird.

It's gross.
Looks like a dead body.

Get this away from me.

I'm the sweetest bitch
you'll ever meet.

I'm not playing
into this.

You are playing into it 'cause
you're the only one fighting it.

Fighting what? Fighting not,
like, with this thing?

What the?

I'm not doing anything.

You're... you're getting
defensive.

You're getting defensive.

You're getting defensive
for no reason.

I said I would
stick up for her

if, like, this was
gonna happen.

I feel like if Sam
would've came,

it would've been
more positive for her.

It's her own fault.

I know. No...
So stop making it your fault.

I know. You're making
it your own fault.

No, I know, but I just choose
not to make fun of it.

You don't have
to make fun of it,

but don't stick up for her...
So I'm just sitting here.

Don't sit here and,
like, tell everyone else

to relax and like...
I'm not telling anybody.

You guys can do whatever you want.
Listen, don't yell, relax.

It's her own choice,
it's her own life.

I know that.

She's not here to tell her story

and now it's just gonna
continuously be talked about.

I'm not trying
to fight with you...

Is this our first fight? Are
we trying to fight right now?

No, it's not
our first fight.

Not yet. Not yet.

They're gonna
torture this chick

this whole time
we're on vacation.

Poor thing.

I love her to death, but like,
if you choose not to come

on vacation with us,
we are going to roast you, hard.

Sammi, why didn't you come?

There is no Sam
and Ronnie right now.

I'm done with it.

Oh, that's why.

I hate you.

Ron! Stop!

Who wants Alka-Seltzer?

- Oh, my...
- Oh,.

Oh, my God, I thought that
was a person.

Sorry, Sam.

Oh, God.

Here, let me help you.

She might not want me
to touch her, but...

Sorry, Sam.
Sorry about that, girl.

Holy ,
this thing's heavy.

Sammi, you need to go on a diet.

Start eating salads
or something.

Stop!

Her eyeball fell out.

We gotta get the bags.

I don't wanna
carry my bag at all.

Thank God I got my own room.

I'm... I'm crashing.

Oh,.

Are you all right?

Look at this.

Thank you for your time,
Dr. Steinberg.

I will see you soon.

Guys, come in the girls room!

We have surprises.
We made this.

Oh, sick! Oh!
That's so cool.

And then Nicole decided to
steal something from the house.

'Cause I'm a criminal.

Yep. Fact.

Why don't you show them?

You cannot have
a "Jersey Shore" house

without the duck phone.

Did you miss him?
I did.

I'm just relieved that Nicole's
not the only one in the house

with duck phone lips.

Quack, quack, quack.

This is dope.

Let's go hook this duck phone up.
Let's do it.

Come alive, duck phone.

Ooh!
Burgers for the boys!

Hm?

The phone is ringing.

Oh, God. Is it?
That's weird.

Hello?
Mike!

Oh,.

Mike, we have
a pool.

The house is sick.

- Go sit down.
- you.

All right, love you.

What's the scoop?

What's the scoop, bro?
How'd you make out?

I'll be honest,
when I walked into court,

I was definitely nervous.
I had to do what I had to do.

I had to admit
some of my mistakes

and try to move forward.

Did you... did you
plead guilty?

I did plead guilty.

He pleaded guilty,
he admitted his mistakes.

. Oh,.

Mike really might
not be able to come.

The IRS is like the mafia,
you don't with them.

So, super.

And then, um...

The judge, you know,
she allowed me

to come down to Miami
and see you guys.

Yes! Situation's coming
to Miami, buddy.

Thank God,
because I would've left.

Like, we can't do this
without Mike, we need him.

A'ight, yo, I'll talk to you.

We'll see you soon.
We're happy you're coming.

A'ight.

Mike's coming!

That's what's up! We're back.
We are back.

Yo, let's get
ready and go out.

I'm down.

Look, it's my keto appetizer.

No bun.

So it's the first night
on vacation.

We're going out.
We finna turn up.

This is Miami
and nobody's too old.

Now I'm blind.
What do you think of these?

What?

Except for maybe Jenni.

Are those prescription
or you just...

Yeah.
I love them.

Don't wear those glasses.

Why?

You look like a grandma.

Oh, my God. She looks alive.
I'm not kidding.

I'm just worried that, like,

we're all gonna be
so drunk tonight.

But this is not a good place
for Sam to sleep.

Let me bring her upstairs.

I wanna be a good friend
to her.

Eww, you feel weird!

Oh, my God.
How heavy are you?

Stop!

Oh, my God!

I can never go out without
my hair extensions.

I didn't think she'd be,
like, that heavy.

She's like 200 pounds.

Oh, my God,
you're so heavy!

Eww! I'm stuck.

I love to get dolled up.
Oh, God, I'm stuck.

I love to look good.

Ron!

I'm just trying to help her, but
the bitch is, like, fighting me.

Ron!
You're the worst!

Eww!

Stop!
Stop...

Oh, my God!
I killed her!

I killed her.

Ron!

I just fought with Sam
downstairs for like an hour.

Welcome to my world.

Let's go!

I would just like to point out
that the cab's here!

Let's do it, baby!
First night out in Miami!

We're back, bitches.

We're back!

Sammi, you got
something to say?

Is she drunk?
Night one, Miami.

Let's go.
Bye, Sam.

Bye, Sam.
Love you.

Yeah, we'll leave
her there.

I think she's tired.

I don't remember
her being so quiet.

This is my first
time out in Miami.

I'm excited.

This is Candyland for me.
I love Spanish girls.

I'm excited 'cause I just
haven't been out in general.

Me neither, bro.
I've been GTB.

Gym, tan, baby.

Oh, here we go.

All right, I
need a drink.

Every mom needs to get out.

I never drink
like this when I'm home.

I have, like, a schedule.
And I feel like here,

I don't have the responsibility,
which is, like, really fun.

First night in Miami!

It's, like, a weird era

where, like, everyone's
almost, like, bougie.

And like, just gonna sit
on the dance floor

and, like, kind of bop
and sip my drink

and be almost, like, too cool

to be, like,
a sweaty mess

and, like, rip.

Like, no, that's what
we're here for.

Like, we're gonna get
this party started.

I don't think anyone
fist pumps anymore,

but we still do.

I will always first pump
till the day I die.

Like, I'm at a Bar Mitzvah
and I'm like...

Like, stop.

Everyone's dance moves
are still exactly the same.

Like, Pauly's still
fist pumping.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Woo!

Ronnie, 100%, still has
happy feet.

Get it, Ronnie!

The meat balls
are dancing like crazy.

All right, let's go to the bar.

Two vodka sodas.

I'm about to get
up tonight.

My man Vinny is wilin' out.

I don't know what is in
his keto diet.

But all I do know
is he doesn't take many carbs,

so he gets drunk fast.

We can't take him anywhere!
We can't take him anywhere!

I haven't been
out in a long time.

So I'm like,
I have to beat the beat up.

I do this thing where,
like, as the beat's building up,

there's like a locked door
in front of me.

And like, I'm really frustrated.

Beat's building,
beat's building.

I start pounding on the door.

And as soon
as the beat drops...

I kick the door open
and I start going in there

like a madman and
everyone in the room up.

I feel like because
I'm so close with Sam,

Ron is being super weird
towards me.

Let's let it go and just have
a good time here.

Why are we still
talking about Sam?

He has a pregnant girlfriend
at home.

And I think clearly
he's still not over her.

That's not good for him.

And everybody put
your drinks in the air.

Yo, so this girl
is beautiful.

She's, like, my actual type.

Dark hair, light eyes,

nice body, and she can move.

We were, like, vibing hard.

But she has a friend that's
standing there all awkward.

Where's Vincent?

Being in a relationship,
I didn't know how, like,

the wingman thing was gonna go,
and it's actually working out.

I'm even holding
this girl's hand

while she's grinding on Pauly
just to give her support

because she might hurt
her back from twerking.

Can't get a
better wingman than that.

So Nicole went
from, like, fun Nicole

to the crazy, piss-drunk,
nasty Nicole.

Oh my God!

I mean, she can
barely stand up straight.

When her eyes
start separating,

it's like the Bat signal
in our house, like, wrap it up.

Everybody put your
drinks in the air!

Whoo!

I just met my perfect
Pauly D wifey right there,

and now we're all leaving?

Meatball problems.

Everything is
right in the world.

The planets have all aligned.

Snooki can still turn
the up.

Your nipple is out.
Let's go in the cab.

Right now. Let's go.
I'm putting her in...

Ah! Ow!
Oh, my God!

And...she's down.

This vacation is gonna be
the biggest show

Miami has ever seen.

Oh, my God. Nicole!

Nicole!