Jep & Jessica: Growing the Dynasty (2016–2017): Season 2, Episode 8 - Grandma's Ploy - full transcript

After Lily and Merritt plead with their parents to let them babysit Gus on their own, Jep reluctantly agrees on one condition--that they all take baby CPR.

So is this what-

I mean do you like this?
Or what?

I don't know I mean
I'm just thinking

maybe this mattress,
he'll sleep better on this.

Why do we need another crib?

This one crib will
transition to a bed

till he's like married.

You don't want to have
the same bed

you grew up pooping in and
throwing up and spitting in.

Hey, we ran out of money.

You ran out of money?



Well we only have ten
dollars each.

We can't buy like
clothes with that.

You can if you saved up.

You go to Goodwill.

We'll give you some chores.

Memaw will give you a
shiny quarter

to rub her bunions.

Jep.

That's what my grandma
used to say.

She gave me ten cents.

And you did it?

To rub her feet.

That's why I don't like feet.

Ew.



That's why.

That's kind of weird.

Well what if we can babysit Gus

for ten dollars an hour.

Ten dollars an hour?!

Yeah.

I don't know if y'all
can handle Gus.

Well we have four hands.

Y'all are too young to babysit.

Jessica used to babysit.

I started babysitting
in fifth grade.

It'll free some time
up for y'all.

Also, that would free us
up together

where y'all can go on
that double date with me.

Awkward.

Yeah, I've been
looking forward to that.

You're just gonna meet him.

Awkward.

But, I do like the idea
of y'all babysitting.

And they're giving us more time.

Y'all know how to babysit?

Yeah.

Do you know CPR?

What are you gonna do in
an emergency?

Call 911.

I'll consider letting Lily
and Merritt babysit

but they're gonna have
to learn how

to take care of babies.

Which includes knowing
how to do CPR,

knowing what to do if
they're choking on something.

What to do if they get typhoid.

What?

I'm just saying,
whatever happens,

they have to know how
to handle it.

I think the CPR is good.

Like, yes, that's
something they need to know.

Risk management.

Is that right?

What?

What am I trying to say?

I don't know what you're
trying to say.

Crisis management,
that's what they got to learn.

Do you know what
you're talking about?

Yeah, I think.

All right, if I teach y'all CPR

I guess you can
start babysitting.

Okay.

And then we'll talk
about pricing.

Okay?
Yeah.

I think y'all are worth about-

Ten dollars total, five each.

No ten dollars an hour.

And I'll pay you five
bucks to rub my feet.

Dad!

And get all the calluses off.

No!

We should've done this
a long time ago.

I'm gon' teach y'all some CPR.

Yeah.

It's important for y'all
to know this.

Especially if you want to
be a baby sitter.

Here is our victim.

This is Teddy.

That's his name?

Why with a bear?

The only other baby
doll we had was Scilla's.

And that was like little
Barbie's.

I can put my whole mouth
over their-

That's weird.

Whole body, weird, yeah.

Okay.

First thing's first,

when you have an unconscious
victim such as Teddy,

you got to breathe in his mouth.

Just quick breaths.

No, that's not what
you do first.

First, you check to see if
the baby's breathing.

Okay.

You got to check and see if
the baby's breathing.

You pinch him.

No, you don't do that.

You pinch him, seriously?

You got-

He doesn't have eyelids.

But if he had eyelids,

you put them back like this.

If you have a light,

you put it in his eyes and
see if they dilate.

No, that-

Does he breathe out his eyes?

You yell their name, then
you check if they're breathing.

You put your-

But Gus doesn't even
answer to his name.

But...

Don't you at one point
go like this

and like fold him up?

No.

What are you talking about?

Well that would help, you know-

Okay, do y'all not
know what y'all are doing?

There comes a time in
your childhood

whenever your parents are trying

to teach you something.

But in your head,
you're really thinking

that they know
nothing about what

they're talking about.

I'm a trained professional.

No you aren't.

Tell that to the teddy bear.

Beat it for a minute.

Maybe, thirty times.

I could get at least
200 in, like this.

You don't want to do that.

Yeah, we don't want
to like hurt him.

He's not a good CPR instructor.

Yeah, I think he
would kill us all

if we were all in trouble.

I've saved y'all's
lives more than

you'll ever know.

Merritt, remember your
head dented in!

What did you do about that?

And what'd you do?

I popped that sucker back out.

What's you do?

Hit the back of my head

and poppped it striaght back?

You dang right.

You are lucky to be
alive, both of y'all.

Obviously, we're rusty
on our CPR facts.

I forgot to be honest with you.

Okay, y'all need to
take a CPR class.

And probably not from us.

You do it through the YMCA.

Your breath smells like sewage.

Jep!

No wonder this bear didn't
come back to life.

In fact, you probably made
him die faster.

Remember kids, brush your teeth.

Hello everybody!

Hello everybody!

Hi Kay!

My babies!

My babies who forgot me!

No way.

Did you see our new game?

That's the loudest
game I've ever heard.

What's with the suitcase?

Well I'm comin' for a
little vacation.

You are?

Yay!

Yeah, I'm missin' the grandkids!

Who wants to be my roommate?

Me!

Not it!

I mean like anytime
like your mom comes over

the kids light up.

Anytime your mom like
comes down the stairs

they run for the hills.

You know?

Just like, please don't
make us do something.

Pretty much.

Kind of-yeah very different.

I thought we could do
some cool stuff.

We could put a bunch of
pillows on the floor,

have a big sleepover.

And we can start telling
ghost stories.

That sounds fun!

That might be okay,

but they're really hard
to pick up everything.

Mom's kind of a clean freak.

Dear, I'm not.

I'm so sorry Kathy,
I'm kind of a slob.

But I do clean up eventually.

Yeah.

Or you just pay
somebody to do it.

Or I pay somebody to do it.

So there are so many differences

between our two grandmas.

One is about fun and the
other one's about

mostly cleaning.

Mamaw Kay, she doesn't
make us take showers,

or even brush our teeth.

That's my favorite
part about Mamaw Kay.

But don't you think a
slumber party

might keep them up too late?

They really need their sleep.

Well I can have them
asleep by 11:30

at the latest.

My goodness.

How often do I come?

Once a year.

They always compare each
other to things,

especially cooking.

Yes, like their biscuits
and their pancakes.

Yeah, we kind of end
up always saying Memaw Kay.

But I mean, Mamaw Kay's
the cook, so.

Come on girls and boys,

you want to come get ready
for a slumber party?

Yeah.

It's happening.

Wait, wait, guys,
in the morning,

when you first wake up,
you will pick those pillows.

I mean it.

Slumber party!

Yay!

Yay.

It's happening.

Boys and girls, look at me.

I just left your rooms.

I'm talking.

I just left out of
y'all's bedrooms,

and no beds been made.

No dirty clothes have
been picked up.

Why should they make their beds

when they're just gonna
jump on them later?

That's like saying,
why take a bath

if you know you're gonna
get dirty tomorrow.

I mean, this is one
vacation of a year's time.

So we're pretending like
we're not even here.

Kids like a routine,
they like to be organized.

Don't y'all guys?

No.

Not really.

Who's turn?

River.

I guess I am a little
bit of a strict Memaw.

Yeah 'cause you
always like tell us to

clean up and like do that
and brush our teeth

and wash our hair.

And Memaw Kay doesn't make y'all

do all that?

Not at all.

Not at all.
Not at all.

Not at all?

We don't even take
showers at her house.

Truly?

Yes.

What are y'all watching?

It's a soap opera.

You know what they have on these

soap operas nowadays.

Well one of the
characters speak Spanish.

I think they're
learning a whole lot more

than Spanish on this one.

Yes, but I'm teaching them that

you don't act like that, at all.

But we don't show 'em
certain things.

Well they're gonna
see it in life.

I know that Memaw Kay is fun.

I don't know if I can
be like that.

Well that's just you.

River, can I ask you a question?

Did you brush your
teeth before we came here?

No.

Did you brush your
teeth this morning?

No.

When was the last time
you brushed?

Probably a week ago.

You better be joking.

No he probably really
isn't joking.

Maybe longer, I don't know.

Why do y'all have your
best clothes on?

'Cause we're playing dress up.

You can't breathe out
of that mustache.

Who told y'all to do that.

Memaw Kay.

Mamaw Kay said you could?

Y'all are gonna get
'em all dirty.

Then we'll have to wash them
again for nothing.

Mom, is it stressing you out,

Miss Kay being here?

I mean I know you like
your things

the way you like 'em.

Doesn't she?

I am tired of being
the mean Memaw.

You're not the mean Memaw.

Scilla, you're so sweet.

You're the no fun Mamaw.

That's a big difference.

Big difference.

That's still pretty bad though.

What if I try to chill and
do all the fun things?

Well, that's surprising.

Little Memaw just said chill.

Yeah I would like to see that.

Okay guys, five more minutes.

Ten more minutes.

Fifteen more minutes.

Twenty minutes.

Yes!

Twenty-five minutes.

Thirty.

Forty-five.

One hour.

An hour and a half.

Really?

And then some.

Hello everybody.

My name's Sam,

I'll be teaching y'all
infant CPR today.

So we're gonna go through
a couple of steps.

First thing we need to do
is we need to recognize

if the baby's nonresponsive
and not breathing.

Hey, y'all start taking notes.

So everybody kind of
take your baby

and look, listen, and feel.

Make sure he's not breathing,

make sure he doesn't
have a pulse.

Then we start CPR.

Just to backtrack a little bit.

So, are you actually
certified to teach CPR?

Yes I am fully
qualified to teach CPR.

I've read a lot about people who

fake being certified.

I don't think I've
heard a whole lot

about a rogue CPR instructors.

But I'll keep that in mind.

I just-I don't know I
heard that somewhere.

When I met this CPR instructor,

I was not so sure he
was certified.

But you think you're certified?

Well I never said
I was certified.

You said you were a
trained professional.

I'm bonified,
there's a difference.

It's a little shallow, Jep.

Keep a little deep.

All right.

There you go.

You're getting a little better.

Everybody in the back,
we need to make sure

you're working in teams.

Okay Merritt, I need you to
take over CPR for Jep.

All right.

One, two, a little faster.

Whoa, she's getting a
little hard there.

No she's doing really good.

We're not gonna listen to
our dad right?

I think we learned some
pretty good stuff

in the class.

Yeah.

You're welcome.

That's what I'll say to
that one.

Show me how to check
the baby's pulse.

All right, so how many breaths

are we gonna give that baby?

Two breaths.

How many beats a
minute are we trying to get?

120.

So after a long road,
your dad has

seemed to pass along with
you two.

Yeah!

High-five.

High-five.

High-five.

Little baby's happy.

♪ Nod your head to this

Little metal music.

Did you learn anything?

Yeah I learned!

What are you talking about?

I passed the class!

Barely.

He was just trying to
be rough on me.

That's what they do,
they pick out the ones

they want to make an example of.

'Cause they're a little
intimidated by 'em.

It's called "Beard-envy"
when you get down to it.

Well now we get to babysit.

Okay, you can start
with this baby, right here.

Are you gonna pay me
ten dollars an hour?

Give me that baby.

I'll take care of this baby.

Hey you can't take my
dummy with you now,

come back, Jep.

Wow!

What in the world?

Are we having fun yet?

Yeah!

Mom what is going on?

Let it rain!

Why are they still in
their pajamas?

You know what?

I used to wear pajamas
two days in a row

at my nanny's house.

We ain't at grandma's house,

we're at my house.

There's candy everywhere.

Don't you love candy?

Are y'all just gonna
eat candy and sugar?

Yeah.

Yep!

Have y'all brushed your teeth?

No, buy...
I mean-

Well we got to have
some fun times in our life

'cause we got a lot
of serious times.

I mean really, that's the truth.

Mom, I can't believe
you let them do this.

Yeah Kathy what's the problem?

You're like the cleanest
person I know.

What are you-?

Because I'm tired of
being the no fun,

boring Memaw.

And all I hear is,
"Memaw Kay let's us do this!"

I'm just tired of hearing that.

I'm gonna try to be fun
for one time.

But it's killing me.

There's a difference
between trying to be fun

and then wrecking my house.

Yeah.

Big difference.

The kids need both of
y'all in their lives.

They need balance.

Y'all are not in
competition with each other.

You're the cleaner, you
like things organized

which we love.

Mamaw Kay likes to come
in and she does cool,

fun things with the kids.

But she's not here as
often as you.

So it's okay that
you have more rules

and boundaries.

All right?

So it's okay if I go
back to like

making the thepick up
and clean up?

Yes.

After we have a little fun?

Competition is over
and y'all are both losers.

Jess and Jep hit the
nail on the head

when they said that you know,

they've got the best
of both worlds.

But I admit truly, that I
do need to bend a little bit.

Well you know, Kathy,

I just know how clean you are.

But you have to make
something fun.

And I'm telling you the
way I think you could do it

is you get one of those
little fart machines.

And every time they bend down,

then you can hit that thing and

that would make them laugh.

That won't work.

I can't say that word.

You can't?

I can't, no I can't say it.

Pass gas.

That-that-

No I don't even-

I can't talk about things
like that.

My goodness.

I can't!

You know, if you
raised a bunch of boys

like I did, yeah you'd be-

I can see that.

But see, I had all girls.

And you know if
you don't have your machine

you can use your armpit.

You ever heard of that?

Kay.

They did all the time!

If I ever did that,
they would have to carry me

away on a stretcher.

'Cause I don't-

I think that would kill me.

Never!

I could never!

I promise you won't die.

I'm sorry I can't help
with this.

But I got to go back.

Yeah, sorry.

I'm sure she'll shed some
tears over it.

Okay, bye y'all!

B Bama!

Thanks for wrecking my house!

Okay, love you too Jep!

Boy!

All right, well y'all
have a fun job ahead of you!

Yes we do!

Everybody, pick up at
least ten pieces.

Let's go, let's get in babe.

One-two-three-

Hey smarty pants.

Well after the first ten,

we're gonna count over again.

Crazy lady.

You look fine!

We've been married
fifteen years,

it doesn't matter what you wear.

Yeah but you look great.

You look fine!

I don't want to be fine.

I want to look good.

You look fine.

Nobody says that anymore.

Well I'm saying it right now.

Turn around, let me see
your booty.

Turn around.

I think you look hot.

Anaconda squeeze!

Still do that though.

Mom, are you ready?!

Are y'all sure you're
ready for this?

Dad, we're ready.

How many breaths?

Two breaths.

You almost said three.

So now Lily and Merritt
have completed

their CPR, we're gon'
let 'em keep Gus.

I'm thinking I'm gon'
take my lady out on a date!

I'm ready!

I think I should stay here.

No, you're going!

I have to have you there
to buffer with

her boyfriend.

Turns out, I'm going
on a double date

with your mom and some dude.

Jess he feels hot.

No he doesn't!

He seriously, he does.

Jep.

I can see it in his eyes,
his eyes are glossy.

He's probably got the rotavirus.

I'm gon' have to stay here.

You're going, you look fine!

We are not gonna be late!

Don't make mom be late on
her hot date.

Okay?

It's not a hot date,
it's just a date.

Well I mean, speaking of that.

I you know, I don't want to-

I think I need to stay.

I'm not going without you.

I have to have you there
to buffer.

I'm not going without y'all.

Yippee!

Yay!

Yay.

Y'all need to go, Jess.

Okay, come on.

Y'all ready?

I'm ready.

Come on, babe, seriously.

You look good, let's go
eat some good dinner,

on this weird double date.

All right, I love y'all!

I'm watching y'all.

Daddy, don't spend too
much money!

'Cause you got to pay us
ten dollars an hour!

What'd you say?

Hi!

Hi!

Nice to meet you!

So you guys eaten here before?

We have!

We used to go more often with-

When we didn't have kids.

Little worried 'cause
we got our-

Our two oldest looking after
our young one so.

They'll be fine.

They're old enough.

Take it easy, dad.

Take it easy.

Thanks.

So, we've heard a lot about you

but she hasn't told us
how y'all met.

You're gon' like this story.

Okay.

Well you know how you had
me fixed up with

that one guy on a blind date?

And he was late,
so I'm sitting there

waiting you know, for this guy.

And-

Pause one second.

I'm gon' call Lil real quick.

Jep!

That is so rude!

I'm gon' call.

I'm sorry.

I'm not gonna lie,
I thought it was

a little uncomfortable at first,

going on a double date
with my mom.

But Jep started to
embarrass me way more

than my mom and her
new boyfriend.

All you had to do was sit
still for an hour,

an hour!

That's it.

All right.

He's ready.

He's ready to hear the story.

Continue, continue
with the story.

Are you sure?

Continue, proceed.

There was this nice lady,
sitting at the bar.

That's where she hangs out.

Gin and coke.

Margaritas.

No.

Hey Fred, you got a
battery pack?

Give me the phone!

Let me just text somthing.

All right just-

How'd y'all meet?

Let's hear the full story.

Have you not heard
any of that story?

No!

Kathy, I've been busy.

So y'all went, y'all were
picnicking somewhere.

I went out to meet the guy

that you had fixed me up with.

What'd you do to my phone, Jess?

I can't get in my phone.

Exactly.

You changed my password?

We're gonna have a
nice dinner and conversation.

All right.

Okay?

Let's do that.

So anyway, I just
didn't say anything.

So she stood that guy up
you set her up with.

Yeah.

At least.

It worked out.

Yeah it did!

It worked out.

What's your last name, Fred?

It would be Hooter.

Hooter.

That's pretty awesome.

It's a different name.

Kathy should've been
born a Hooter.

Sorry.

Fred, question.

Do you play video games?

Never have I played video games.

Yay!

Never!

So are you big into that?

Yes.

That doesn't leave much
time for your golf game, Jep.

I play golf,
I hunt, I do it all.

That's me.

I'm a man of many parts.

I'm like a Hooter.

Thank you very much.

Okay so mom found a fun
way to get the kids

cleaning up while having fun.

Let's check it out.

Mom!

Guys, I want you to stand up,

I want you to start
cleaning this mess up.

I guarantee it will be fun.

Come on, let's go!

Come on!

Scilla.

That wasn't me!

Yes it was!

Lily!

My goodness, you're such a lady!

Y'all are so-!

Memaw!

Give me that!

Scilla!

Now they're all having fun, mom!

You did make them have fun!

Give me that!

Give me that back!

What is that?

She can't say.

I don't know what it is.

Give it to me, let me see.

Mom, it's called a fart
machine, it's okay.

It says on the package.

Well you say it.

Why do y'all enjoy doing that?

There's something wrong
with y'all.

Your whole family!