Jep & Jessica: Growing the Dynasty (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Boys' First Hunt - full transcript

When Lily goes through her first breakup, Jessica wants to console her with a girls' day out to help her get her mind off her troubles. Jess takes all the girls shopping at Duck and Dressing.

I want to be a scary clown.

Relax your eye.

Deer-licious.

Boo!

Buddy.

What happened? I'm a scary clown.

You've been playing
with your sisters again? Let me see.

You look nice, bub.

I'm a scary clown. You are?

Yeah. You do not look
like a scary clown.

I hate to tell you.



They did a great job.

He looks more like
Liza Minnelli, Jess.

Smile.

River, you look so pretty.

You want me to show you? Yeah.

Jess, he's gonna hate
those pictures.

I'm not a scary clown.

See? They tricked me.

I had three older brothers.

River has three older sisters.

My brothers used to sit there
and give me swirlies

in the toilet. Apparently,
the sister version of that

is making your little brother look
like a real housewife of New Jersey.

Girls, come in here.



Jep, it's fine.
They're just playing.Girls.

Girls like to play with dolls,
dress them up, put makeup on them.

The problem is he thinks they're
dressing him up like a clown.

So they're deceiving him.
That's what I don't like.

Trust me, I've been there.

Look.
See, they're all dressed up too.

Those are my tallest
heels, I think.

Joke's on you now.

Girls, I can't believe
y'all did that.

Why would you do that
to your little brother?

Because he said he wanted
to be a scary clown,

so we took advantage--

Exactly.
...of the question.

You took advantage
of a seven-year-old.

He likes it. No, he doesn't like it.

Do you like it, bub?

See? Y'all made him upset now.

Please don't trick him
like that again, okay?

No more. Y'all
get out of here.

River, you stay with me.
I'm gonna watch over you,

make sure they don't
mess with you. Babe, they're just playing.

After today, I think he
needs some outdoor time with Dad.

You know what we need to do?
We need to go hunting.

You want to go duck hunting? Yes.

I don't think he's old enough
to go duck hunting yet.

Yeah, he's old enough.
I was his age.

Is it safe? Jess, I've been doing
this my whole life.

I know what I'm doing.
Trust me.

Okay. He needs some guy time, Jess.

I'm gonna give it to him.

Sorry, baby Gus.
You can come next time.

Tomorrow, you become a man.

We're gonna shoot ducks.

Bub, are you getting excited?

Yeah, kind of.

Kind of?

Why? You're going
on your first duck hunt.

This is better than
your first chest hair, buddy.

Dad, what's this?

That? That's
our war paint, buddy.

See, you put this on,

then you go to war.

Like makeup? No. It's not makeup.

That's what girls put
on their face.

This is for when you go out in
the woods and you're hunting.

Let's put some on you.
Get ready.

Yeah. Now we're
getting somewhere.

This is way better than what
your sisters did to you.

Let's give you a little
soul patch right here.

Little something.

Man.

Bud, that's awesome.

That's what I used to have.

A mustache with a soul patch.

When your mom first saw me
and said, "I gotta have him."

I'm a duck hunter. You are, buddy.

You are definitely my son.

Well, the time has come for River
man to go on his first duck hunt.

This is a rite of passage
in the Robertson family.

When do I get a beard like you?

A long time, buddy.

Your testes are gonna have
to drop at some point.

River, are you excited
about going duck hunting?

Um, yeah.

What are you most excited about?

Um...

Well, we probably are
not gonna get a deer.

'Cause we're duck hunting.

But it can happen.

Yeah.

Hey, babe.

Some bad news.

What?

Lily's little boyf--

Whoa.
A mustache!

River, you're so cute.

I'm a man. He the man.

See? Daddy even put
some makeup on you.

It's not makeup, baby.
That's war paint.

What is it, bub? It's war paint.

War paint. Anyway,

Lily's boyfriend just
broke up with her via text.

Really?

I don't really know what to say to Lily
about breaking up with her boyfriend.

Just be real with her.

I don't think that's
a good idea.

I don't think I'm
the best person

to be telling her stuff.
Tell her about when you

were a teenager and you
had your first heartbreak.

It's different for boys.

When I was her age, I was trying
to kiss every girl in this town.

Ew. No. You don't want
to do that.

What do you mean, "Ew"?

If I was real with her,

I'd say, "Don't date
till you're 30,

boys are disgusting, you have
no idea what they're thinking."

I was known as, like,
the best kisser

in, like, town.
Like, I was the guy.

Should I tell her that? At 13.

If I would have kissed you,
you would have never forgot it.

You'd be dreaming about it.

You're gonna make her

never want to date a boy
the rest of her life.

She could become a nun.
That would be fine. Jep.

Be realistic. I'm being realistic.

What's wrong with that?
It's a very honest profession.

It's not gonna happen.

And it's great.

Why don't you take her and go do
some mani-pedis or whatever y'all do?

That's actually a good idea.

And look. After we
get done hunting,

I'll tell her about me
being the kissing bandit.

No. Please don't.It may freak her out

and it may be a good idea.

No. We'll stick
with the mani-pedi.

All right, bud? Maybe later

I'll show you
my kiss-stealing techniques.

Like this.
The slow walk.

And the--

Ew. You need to work on your game
there, kissing bandit.

Nobody complained when I was 13.
What?

I said it's tough
raising a teen.

Who's ready for some mani-pedis?

We're gonna cheer Lily up.

Cheer Lily up, cheer Lily up.

Here we go.

What in the world?

Did somebody leave a light on?

River.

My goodness. Figures.

Mom, we don't have to go.
It's okay.

No. We are going.

This is all about you today.

Mama's gonna fix this.

It's all right, Lil.

Our Lily just had
her first breakup.

We were texting and he was like,

"You know, we're really young.
We should just be friends."

And I don't disagree
and all that.

But it still made me
feel pretty sad.

Merritt, you come help me.

Lily, you stay in the car
with the baby.

Let me just pop the trunk.

That's the hood,
not the trunk, Mom.

Trust me, Lily.
A day at the spa is just what you need.

If you say so.

It's a special occasion.

Well, not special.

But I'm trying
to make it special.

Something like that.

I don't really know what to do.

Mom, don't break--Well, I don't know
how to open it.

Don't smash your fingers.

Don't smash your fingers.
I'm gonna try not to.

Everything's okay, Lil.

I got grease all over me.
Got it. I got it.

Okay. Now, Dad's truck's gone,

so I don't really know
how to jump it all.

Why don't we just plug it in
like we did the golf cart?

It doesn't really work
like that.

But we could use
the golf cart battery.

I don't know if it'll
work, but let's try it.

Go get the golf cart.
Okay.

And then you get
the jumper cables, okay?'Kay-kay.

Lily, you okay?

I love you.

I heart you.

Anybody heard from Jep?

Here he comes. There he is.

Let's go. We're late.

Let's go.
Sorry I'm late.

It ain't my fault.

You know we'd've left you
if it wasn't for River.

What's up, bud?

Good to see you.
We just waiting on Jep? Let's go.

I apologized. Come on.

First rule
of duck hunting, River.

Don't be late. Dad, come on.

I'm just making sure I got
all my stuff here.

Well, bub, today
you're becoming a man.

First duck hunt
with all the guys.

You might even get a chest hair.

If you're lucky.

That's gross.

Trust me. You're
gonna get hairy, buddy.

That runs in our family.

Am I gonna wear makeup
like you and Godwin?

Bub, it's war paint. War paint.

It is makeup, but it's--

It's not makeup.

It's not really makeup.

You got a Robertson
inside you somewhere, bud.

We just gotta get him out.

Where? It's in your blood, buddy.

How you gonna get it out?

Like, empty all my blood out?

Nope. I'm gonna take you
duck hunting.

All right, let's get
to hunting, boys. Let's go.

It's on, now.

Today you become a man, son.

It's gonna take
a lot more than this.

I got it down
to the floor, boys.

Whee whee!

I need jumper cables.

I found it.

Okay. Now, let's ride
in the golf cart.

How to jump-start
a car for dummies.

I don't even know
what I'm looking at here.

Am I even looking
at the right thing?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's good.

'Kay, here you go, Mom.

Found these things.

Awesome. Good job.

Usually, when I have
car trouble,

I hand it off to Jep.

I'm terrible
with stuff like that.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah. It is.

It's true.

Okay. Merritt, jump
in the car

and turn it over.
Start-- Try to start it, okay?

Okay, wait.

But today, it's
all about girl power.

And I want to prove to my girls

that we don't need anybody else
to fix our problems.

Right, girls? Girl power.

Come on. Please stop saying that.

Girl power.

All right, golf cart's on.

All right. Try it, Merritt.

Whoo!

Hallelujah!

Come on, we're going. Yes.

Good job, Merritt.

Yay!

Let's go to the spa.
Come on.

Woohoo! Yeah.

It's a girl thing. Let's do this thing.

Girl power.
We started the car.

Hey. Girl power.
Hey. Lil.

Lily, look at me.

Don't leave me hanging.
Come on, girl.

Hey, don't leave
your mama hanging.

Lil. All right. Every girl
loves a good spa day.

You're a duck hunter now.

Get you one, buddy.
You can do it.

River, let me show you
the number one rule

when duck hunting.

Always bring donuts.
Here you go.

That is not the number one rule
of ducking hunting, buddy.

Hey, Godwin, hit me.

Well, if it ain't number
one, it's number two.

It ain't number two.

No. That's not number two.

Here's number two.
The icing donut.

The honey bun.

Golly. Hey, you never know. How big a baYou
might have to got down thestay all day.

I think Jep asked us to come because
we're good role models for River.

That's exactly right. We're gonna
make sure the boy dresses right,

he loves duck hunting.

We can mentor him.

Boy, that looks good.

It does not look good. You want one?

That's good, ain't it?

That's part of what got me up to 320.

Jep's only one man.
He needs help.

River's got to know
the duck blind etiquette.

I-- Spell that.

Etiquette?
Yeah.

Close enough.

Bub, there's a few
certain things

you need to know
about duck hunting.

Gotta be real quiet.

You can talk, but not too loud.

And you gotta be real still,
'cause they can-- they can really see you.

River, the first rule
of duck hunting?

You gotta be patient,
like my old dog here, River.

Good things come
to those who wait.

Look, there are ducks
right there.

Shh.

They're gone.

Okay. Now we know what
not to do, okay?

Don't do that ever again.

Priscilla, what do you
think about that massage chair?

You loving it?

I need one of these in my room.

In your room?

You want to get a pedicure?
You want a pedicure?

He said yes, definitely.

I could get my feet
rubbed every day.

I'm really sad that Lily's
boyfriend broke up with her,

but I'm happy that we got
to go to the spa.

You're welcome, I guess.

When my boyfriend breaks up with
me, I want to go to Disney World.

Lily, you starting to feel
a little bit better, baby?

Her boyfriend just
broke up with her.

Mom.

Yeah.
Poor baby.

It's not really
a big deal, though.

I'm not that worried. That's a good way
to think about it.

How did he break up with you?

We were texting.

I was so afraid you
were gonna say that.

So, people don't think
they need to call each other

and actually say,
"We're breaking up"?

I guess not.

I actually just got
broke up through text.

Actually.
Really?

I did.

Yep. We were together
for eight years.

And he texts me--Are you kidding me?

No. No. He couldn't tell me
to my face.

What a jerk. Only through a text message.

Wow. So, it might not get better.

Do y'all do waxings here too? We do.

I have, like,
a little-bitty mustache.

A mustache?

Yeah, a mustache.Ew.

Lots of women come in here to
get their mustache waxed, right?

Right.
See?

I'm not some weird freak.

Here, let me take him.
That'd be great. Thank you.

Well, I'm gonna video this.

Lily, is this gonna put
a smile on your face?

Seeing your mama get tortured?

What?

All right, you ready?

Are you nervous? I haven't done anything
yet and she said, ""

Y'all count with me.
One, two, three.

That must have hurt. Do it again.

One, two, three.!

Even though I don't like
to be center of attention,

I'm really happy that you tried
so hard to make me feel better.

Goodness. All the whiskers gone.

Don't show that.
That's embarrassing.

Not gonna cry, Lily.

They're a little glossy,
but I'm not crying.

Are you laughing, Lily? Yeah.

Well, at least I got
some smiles out of you.

I was missing those smiles.

I got a high five. Whoo!

Good job, sisters. Girl power.

Good night. Lovely. My goodness.

You gotta be ready.

Bub, don't say stuff like that.

You're a Robertson.

Too far, buddy.
You gotta let them get close.

That's part of it.

A missile launcher? Because this isn't
Grand Theft Auto.

If you want to see what it looks like
when you shoot a duck with a missile,

just go shoot a pillow. That's all
that's gonna be left is feathers.

Gumbo duck.

Sometimes it takes a while
for the ducks to start flying,

but once they do, it's on.

Fireworks.

All right, here come
them shovelers. Get ready.

Shoot, buddy.

Hey.

Close. Good try, buddy.

Maybe next time.

Don't worry, Bubba.

Only problem is River
got a single shot.

Yeah, what's up with that?

Because he's a kid, and I don't
want him to shoot more than once.

Why not?'Cause it's dangerous.

Practice takes perfect.

That ain't how it works.
Practice takes perfect?

Practice makes perfect.

But perfect takes practice.
There you go. That's what--

That's what you meant to say.
That's what I said.

Only different.

There's a duck.
There's a duck.

Get right here, right up front.
Okay, stand up.

He's coming in. Get ready.

He's coming in.

All right, all right.
You ready, buddy?

Lean up, lean up, lean up.

Okay, you ready?

Shoot it, buddy.
Shoot him.

Hey!
Yeah!

Good job, bud! Thatta boy.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yay! Whoo.

Give me some. The first of many.

This kid here, he has a future.

River, go get him.
You gotta swim out there.

I'm going in the water?

Just kidding. That's
why we have a dog, buddy. There we go.

Bub, you got your first duck.

What do you think?

It was awesome.

Was your heart just beating
so fast you couldn't

contain it?

It's different for everybody.

Come on. Bring it home, bring it home.

Come on. That's a big one.

Yeah.

Boy, you got the prize
right there.

Look at that, buddy. That's awesome.

River, you're a duck hunter now.

Bub, you are now in the club.

His name is dinner.

It's gonna be good.

Mallard drake. This is your duck, buddy.
Your first duck.

Okay, River's first duck.

Y'all smile together.
I gotta have this.

Ready? You feel
good about it?

You feel like a man? I'm a man.

This is guy time, see.
Guys gotta clean their game.

Ooh, yay, the fun part. This is what I used
to do with my dad,

like, every day
during the winter.

See, you take your thumb,

pull it away from you.

You want to try some?

Yeah.
There you go.

Yay.

Good job, buddy. That's so cute.

I was a little leery about River
going on his first duck hunt.

But I'm pretty proud.

He got his first duck.

Whoo!
Whoo!

All right now, you gotta
pick all that up.

You looking forward to going
duck hunting with me again?

Um, sure.

I'll take that as a yes.

Say, "Dinner." Dinner.

Would you have rather gone to
the spa with me and your sisters?

Or go duck hunting?

Duck hunting.

Boys.

All right, this is
the final part.

This is called
cutting and gutting.

Ew.What is in here?

My word.

Ew.

Stop it. Stop slinging it.

Well, somebody's feeling
better today.

Yay. Well, we went to the spa today.

Ooh, let me see
your nails, Lily.

Look, I just got
mine done, too. Ew.

You like them?
No.

It's crimson red.

Jep. I think they're precious.

Well, that's basically
the process right there, guys.

Y'all want me
to cook the duck? Yeah.

- You ready? All right.
- Let's go inside.

Stop it. Get away! Stop!

Dear Lord, I thank
you for this day.

And we thank you for all the blessings
that you have put into our lives.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Amen.

Well, we're all here because
this is River's very first duck.

Way to go, River.

This is a big moment.
I wish I could've been there, man.

I know. River, you're officially
a Robertson, buddy.

To River's first duck hunt. Amen on that.

Hear, hear. Lift it up, buddy.

Get them up, get them up.

This is, like, an epic night.

I couldn't be more proud,
as a dad.

Son got his first duck.

My 13-year-old does not
have a boyfriend.

Thanks for taking me out today.

Aw. I love you, sweetie.

Thank you, Mama.
We had some good girl time.

Lily's first breakup was not
really something to celebrate.

But it is, in the sense that she
knows that family comes together,

and will get you
through anything.

Hey, Lily? Boyfriends
are like telephone poles.

There's another one
but 40 yards up the road.

That's good.
That's real good.

Really good advice.
Godwin, I got dumped too.

Will you give me
another piece of that duck?

Lily, I'm sympathy eating
with you.

Y'all are so sweet. I know.

Jep, you had a lot
of firsts today.

First love gone down the tubes

and the beginning of a love
affair with duck hunting.

Yep.

Mama got her mustache waxed.

Priscilla.

I wondered where it went.

All right, baby Gus.

Me and River here.

And we're gonna show you
how to be a scary clown.

I'm a scary clown!

We're gonna teach you how
to be a scary clown, buddy.

No. You don't have
to be scary.

You could just be sweet.
Yeah, he's gonna be scary.

No, you'll be sweet. Love you.