Jep & Jessica: Growing the Dynasty (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 4 - The familyversary - full transcript

Darling.Hey.

Thought about tomorrow yet?

Look at this rash, babe.

It's gotten worse.

Yeah, I believe you.

Come here.
Look how bad this is.

Okay, I'll look at the rash.
Can you just, like, look it up?

Something's bad wrong there.

I know.

It's making my eyes water.

I've tried all these
different butt pastes,



and they don't work.

I'm not sure there's anything
that can be done for that.

Seriously?

I don't want to look
at that anymore.

Ooh, damn, he's got it bad.

I know it.
Bless his heart.

No wonder why he stays up
through the night, crying.

When it comes to rashes
around sensitive areas,

usually a man will stay away.

And the mom
will get the job done

and get him all healed up.

I mean, that's
what moms are for.

We take care of our babies.

We take care of all our babies.



I'm glad you do what you do.

I just could not do it.

Let's talk about tomorrow, Jess,

because tomorrow is the day.

Our 14th-year anniversary.

Turns out somebody forgot
our anniversary this year,

and it wasn't me.

That's the first time
I've ever done that.

I said I'm sorry.

Well, I just wanna linger
in the fact

that I remembered something
you forgot.

How many times
has that happened?

Once. Just once.

Exactly, so I'm going
to linger in it.

Yes.

Let me take him
and get him better,

at least on the mend,

and we'll get a babysitter,

and maybe we can go out
to eat or something.

I just want
some mommy-daddy time.

You know?

I want some me, some you,

come together,

and just mold into one.

Just... just tangled--

All right,
you need to get out of here.

Just all tangled up. You just need to get
out of here.

Let's get tangled up later. All right.

He's normally not this fussy.

No, he's not.
This rash, I mean...

Jess!

What? I know.
It's awful.

It's raw.

I did them all.
I tried everything.

Honey?

Have you tried it?

Yes, there's plenty of bees.

The local bee honey.

It cures everything.

No, it'll be sticky. Come here.

Aw, baby.

Here, put this new one on him.

Nick. Yeah.

Come here and look at this.

It's like-- look. Nelly.

Sorry. Please cover it up.

Jep. I've already seen it.

I'm not looking again.

Everybody knows babies are cute,

but, you know,
they do a lot of things

that people don't want
to talk about.

The spit up,

the diarrhea,

the pee,

buggers, snot, yucky stuff.

There's lot of...

Well, you know what's funny is
that you do all those things too.

I'm a free spirit.

You know? I let my body do
what it does.

It's not normal for someone to have so
many sounds coming out of their body.

I take that as a compliment.

It's offensive, is what it is.

It's not offensive to me.

I know it's been a while,
but when our girls had rashes,

what did we do?

You put breast milk on it.

I didn't-- bre--

I never put breast milk on it.

I do know peeing on,
jellyfish stings,

it cures up.

You can pee on it.

No, 'cause the acid in
his pee is what's burning.

Mix it with honey.

Emily... No, that's gross.

How do you--And, by the way, where would
she get breast milk?

She's not even breast feeding.

I know. I dried up, like,
seven years ago.

Yeah. You can probably
buy some off the Internet.

Black-market breast milk.Yep.

I've heard of it.

Or we could go to the doctor

and get something,
a prescription that actually will work.

It's not a bad point.

Let's just go take him.
Yeah, we'll take him.

Y'all got the kids? We always do.

Get him straightened out.
Okay, watch our girls.

Said get him straightened out.

Will. Love you.
Grab her bag.

Old Dr. Trejo.

This diaper rash has, like,
consumed my thoughts.

I mean, so much so
that Jep came in

and told me this morning that
our anniversary is tomorrow.

I completely forgot.

Nuh. Yes, I did.
Yes, I did.

My gosh, that's the first.

I was like, "It's really bad when
the wife forgets the anniversary."

You know you have
a lot going on.

Yeah, like a new baby.

I didn't even have time
to order my gift,

so now I'm going
to have to overnight it,

at best, or I'll just
order him something

and, like, give him
a picture of it

to let him know that I--
it is coming.

Like a I-O-U.

Yeah, but I don't like
to I owe him.

I mean, it is important,

like really sad I forgot.

I think men totally look
at anniversaries

in a different way than women.

I think women are all
about something sentimental.

Emily is opposite because she's
the dude in the relationship.

I was really excited about when Nick
gave me that nice vacuum cleaner.

It was an awesome gift

until I found out that he got
it out of y'all's trash can.

You didn't know.

He got it out of our trash can?

Yeah, that orange and gray one?

I s--Well, thank you for
our anniversary gift.

You're welcome.

It's awesome.
I love it.

I don't know.
I just-- I've got to get him something.

I think, if you gave him
the razzle dazzle,

y'all be pretty even.

Is that what they're calling
it these days?

Or the old hokey pokey.

What about pin
the tail on the donkey?

That couldn't hurt.

Red Rover, Red Rover?

Send Jeptha right over?

Yes. Yes, I like that game.

He would--
He would like that.Yep.

Simon says.

Yeah, that's always fun.

Just about any kid game,

you could use code
for a little pat pat.

Buddy.

Him's cryin'.

Sorry, Baby Jules.

Mama should've bought you
some earmuffs.

Dude.

Jarhead again.

I know.
You got the melee there, guy.

Look at you.

So, what anniversary
is this for you?

Fourteen.

Fourteen. That's ivory.

What do you mean, it's ivory?

Like the first year's paper.

Second year's, like, cloth.

So on the 14th you're supposed
to get her ivory.

I don't think that's legal?

I mean, I can get you
some ivory if you want some.

No, I don't want ivory.

I mean, I don't think
she would like that.

This is my good friend Nick.

We've been friends
for probably 20 years?

We actually met in a duck blind.

Yep.

And then you were like,
"We should hang out some time."

Kind of like you were
asking me out on a date.

Yeah. That's exactly what you said.

I don't remember that.

You were like, "We should hang out...
I remember you saying,

"Man, will you be my friend?

'Cause I don't have
no friends."

That's what you said.

"You wanna hang out sometime?"

Kids, what do you think I should
get Mom for her anniversary?

Mustache!

Dude, my wife is not going
to be happy about that. I hope that erases.

Mommy likes it
when you make "break-tiss."

Yeah. Jess likes to eat.

She does like to eat.

Bub, what do you think
I should get Mom?

A limo. A limo?

That's not a bad idea.

Hello.

Yo, what's up, guys? Hey, Dan.

Dan's here. Danno.

What are y'all doing?

We're playing games.

I brought this
from your mom's house.

It's a happy-anniversary cake.

Miss Kay made that.

She did.

All right, I'll take it.

So, Dan, if it was your
14th wedding anniversary,

what would you give your lady?

I would take her
to a special place

and look deep into her eyes...

Into her soul.

Yeah. And then you say,
"Well, so far so good."

And then pull out a gift
at that point.

All right, here's the deal
with Dan.

He's one of my oldest friends.

Known him my whole life.

He actually works
for my mom and dad,

and they actually call him
their butler,

which is kind of funny.

Dan's cool.
I like Dan.

Yeah, he's just really
awkward around girls.

He is awkward.

They just-- he's just got to find
a girl who went past all that.

He's like a penguin.
When he--

He's kind of--I think when he mates,
he'll mate for life.

That's right. You know what I'm sayin'?

He will.
You know what I'm sayin'?

In his little butler tuxedo.

Yes.

Dan, I like your idea about
taking her somewhere special,

I don't know if Dan's
the best to ask for advice.

I mean, Dan,
you're not even married.

That is true.

But I dated one time.

Just one time.

How come you
don't have a girlfriend?

I'm playing really hard to get.

Marshmallows.

I love you.

Hello.

Hi. How are you?

How's it going?

It's going okay.

Well, he has this, like,
really severe diaper rash.

Well, let's take a look.

And he's so--...

Yeah.

How long has he had this?

Four days now. Four days?

I mean, I've treated it with--
like, with over-the-counter stuff,

but that has not worked.

Well, we're going to have to give a good
dose of some type of antifungal cream

for the yeast infection.

Um, it is a yeast infection.

How does-- How do babies get
yeast infections?

Heat and wetness.

A diaper--You know all about
that yeast infection.

Wrong doctor.
Sorry.

I mean, I have to admit
I'm a pretty good friend

for going to the doctor
with you.

That's pretty awesome of me.

I would do the same for you.

Note to self--

if my kid gets a rash,
you're coming.

A butt rash on a nine--
almost ten year old

is way different than
a newborn baby's butt rash.

Yeah.

So look. We have, like,
an anniversary thing coming up.

Yes, ma'am.

And I was going to leave him.

It'll be okay.

Okay.

Well, let me go write
the prescription,

and I'll be right back.

Thank you.

Looks like you'll be able
to do the hokey pokey after all.

Emily!

You lovin' it now?

What do you think, girls?

I love it. It looks good.

You think Daddy's gonna like it?

You're supposed to say
it looks good.

I always say you look good when
you put on your new clothes.

I think every guy
should have a suit.

Maybe I should get a purple one.

That's just weird.

Do you always wear outfits
that match your braces?

No.

But your braces are
the same color as your outfit.

I know.

Isn't that weird, though?

It's awesome.

It is awesome.

So, you know, one day

you'll be going on a date
with your husband.

What do you think about that?

I think that I won't be doing
that in, like, 30 years.

That is a good answer.

Show me pictures of assassins.

I don't know if you want
to see that.

That looks kind of cool.

Danno, thanks for coming, buddy.

So you ready for this?

I'm ready, dude.

Mentally prepared.

Got a good plan tonight.

Jess, let's go.

Hey.Hey.

Whoa, good grief.

Whoa.

Dan, are you sure
you can handle this?

I can.
I can.

Lily, you know where
the butt cream is?

Okay. And he usually poops
within 30 minutes after he eats.

We're gonna have fun.
Right?

This is our 14th
wedding anniversary.

This is a special night.

We can have a little alone time,

have a little glass of wine.

Romance.

Yeah. With a capital R.

But I will have to say I'm a little
worried about leaving the baby.

Jess, he's in good hands.

I trust Dan.

Don't know what he knows
about rashes,

but...
maybe he can figure it out.

He's a problem solver.

If you need anything,

I have my cell phone.
Jep has his.

So just text us, call us,

whatever you need.
Okay?

We're going to be fine.
We're going to be fine.

All right.
I love y'all.

Okay. Love you, Mama.

Bye, guys. Love you, kids.

Okay, bye, guys.

All right, baby.
Here we go.

Surprise.

All right, baby.
Here we go.

Surprise.

You got me a party bus?

I sure did.

Isn't that a bit much?

Nope.

Jep.

Get you fired up.
I love you.

I love you.
Yeah.

What better way to
commemorate 14 years of marriage

than a party bus?

I mean, I can think
of a couple things,

like jewelry and an outfit.

But, I mean,
a party bus is awesome.

I mean, I think that's awesome.

Thank you.

W-- It's gonna be fun.

A little strange,

just for two of us,
but I love it.

I really do.

I knew you'd love it.

I got you something.

Thank you.

And... Are they red?

Roses are the best.

A little bit of the bubbly. Champagne?

I mean, this is high class.

I'm telling you.

Here we go. Whoo!

You ready for this? Jep! No-no-no-no!

You should just twist it off.

I'm really worried
you're going to hit me.

Here, get close.

I'm scared.

There's nothing gonna hurt you.

You're--

Whoa.

Here we go.

Scared me.

Whoa!

Jep, you're making a mess.Hello.

There you go.

Thank you. A little bit of the lovin'.

To a life that has been
worth living

because you are in it.

I love you so much.

I love you too. There you go.

You love me, don't ya?

I do love you.
I always have.

Always will. Thank you, babe.

Anniversary.
Fourteen years.

Two for Robertson.

You wanna say a toast?

Toast.

Here's to 14 years
with my best friend

and the love of my life,

my mate at sea.

Pretty good.
Keep going.

Okay. And here's to
another... 60 years.

Sixty is a weird number,

but I'll toast to that.

Because I don't know if
we're going to live past 75.

You know,
I heard a very famous--

I mean, like very--

Jess, no phones
at the dinner table.

I know. I'm just making
sure I didn't get a text.

Just to make sure
there was no emergency.

I'm sure they're fine.

They're in very capable hands.

We're going to have to get
some food for dinner.

Okay, pizza.

Pizza? No, no--

Pizza, pizza... No, wait-wait-
wait-wait.

What happened to the
protein shakes stuff?

We're getting protein,

so y'all can deal with it.

Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!

We're not-- I'm not--

Why-- How'd you get my phone?

Okay, phone's off.

Speaking of that.

Are you ready for
your next big surprise?

Yes.

Hand it over.

Get my phone out.

No, I'm not surfing.

I have an app

where you can watch

the baby at home.

It's like a baby monitor

anywhere you go.

Are you kidding me?

I could just, like,
the whole night tonight,

just sit here and watch
that baby boy.Well...

no, let's not do it
all night tonight.

You know what I'm saying.

And he's peakin' around. From here on out.

Hey, he just yawned.

Can I have my phone back,
please?

Alligator Bolognese, sir.

My goodness.

Um, yum.

Hey, did I do it right
or did I do it right?

Zang.

All right, babe,
put the phone away.

Look at him.

He seriously is the cutest guy.

This is our dinner.

I know.
Sorry.

All right, no more phone.
It's just me and you.

I'm focused.
I'm focused.

I'm starting to think my
anniversary gift was a bad idea.

Why?

You're doing the opposite
of what the gift is for.

The gift is, like, to go, "Yes,

I can look at my baby app,
and he's good."

That's what I'm doing.

"I can have fun
with my husband."

But you're like,
"No, what is he doing now?

He just moved his head."

You should be happy
I love you so much.

Best gift ever.

I just think I'm going to
regret giving you that gift.

You can't take back the gift
once you give it. Sorry.

That was such a good night.
I loved it.

I'm ready to get home
to the kids, though.

Well, it ain't over yet, baby.

What do you mean?
Where are we going?

Down to Shreveport.

We're going to stay the night?

Yeah, we're going to stay
the night.

But I didn't pack anything.

Got you an overnight bag.

Got all that stuff

taken care of.

Don't you miss the kids, though?

I mean, I miss 'em.
I miss them some,

but, I mean, I want some
mommy-daddy time. You know?

It's a long drive just
to have some alone time.

Sometimes I just can't ignore
my motherly instincts.

You know, that one that says,

"Alarm, I need to make sure
the kids are okay.

Alarm, alarm,
what are the kids up to?"

Yeah, turn that off.

There's no off button for moms.

I have an alarm too,

but I just reach over
and hit the snooze button

and say, "We're going to get
back to that--"

Again. "as soon as we get back."

Moms don't have snooze buttons.

That is one annoying alarm.

We can have alone time
at the house

and know that our kids are safe and
home, and we're home with them.

What do you think?

We can go home and play
a little Duck, Duck, Goose.

A little Ring Around the Rosie.

Okay.

We'll play a little
pin the tail on the donkey.

Hey, driver?
Can you take us home, please?

Just don't throw it too high.
You don't wanna hit me.

Look what I built.

If I didn't have the baby,
I'd go knock it down.

Hey, guys.

Hey...

What are you doing up?

Ooh, you are back kinda early.

Yeah.

But it went good, didn't it?

Yeah, it went awesome, man. It was great.

It was great.
We just missed y'all so much.

Come here, kissy-face.

I love drinking champagne
and riding on party buses

just like the next girl,

but there comes a time
in the night

where you just want to be
at home with your kids.

Well, I guess the party's over.

Babe, the party's not over.

It's just moving.

As long as we get mom-and-daddy
time at the end of the night.

Then I'm good.

Done.

We came back early,

but I got a surprise.

Who wants to take a limo ride?

Yeah! Do you want to?

Y'all do a limo ride.
I'll watch the kid.

Come on, Mama. Whoo!

I will admit I do miss the kids.

I love you, babe. I love you.

It's the only present I need.

All right, Gary, let's do it.

Put the pedal to the metal.

Go, River! Go, River!

Whoo! Whoo!

Jess, we're getting a
little time upstairs later.

Yeah! We wanna play!

No. No-no-no-no-no...

What's up, Baby Jules?

Just had first anniversary

since you've been born.

It was a success.

Kind of a perfect night.

Your dad can show you how to plan
these things out one day, buddy.

Whoo, here comes Mama.

Right here, buddy, look.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.
You ready for your present?

Yes, I'm ready for my present.

Are you ready for your present?

I am. Let me shut
this camera off before--

No, you'll wanna see this.

I thought maybe my present
was under the robe.

No, babe. Know what I'm sayin'?

What is it?

What? Your own golf cart.

Yes!

And it's red.

Yes. All right.
We love you, buddy.

Love you.

Mwah.

Good anniversary.