Jennifer Falls (2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Virginity Thief - full transcript
Mom, guess what I found in your closet.
It's Uncle Wayne's. I was
just holding it for him.
You were holding your
high-school yearbook for him?
Oh.
Yeah, I don't know why.
Oh, my God, look at your mom's hair...
Totally rocking "The Rachel."
Okay, I had that first. She copied me.
Dina, you were captain
of the basketball team?
Hell, yeah, I was.
Check out those short shorts.
She had to get two
haircuts to pull those off.
Hey, one and a half.
Little tip.
Am I washing the glasses wrong, Stephanie?
Well, I mean, it's not really
a matter of right and wrong,
but, yes.
Do you remember your training?
You want to twist the wrist
gently but with authority.
Mm.
- Should I show you?
- Yeah.
You see the difference?
Not really. Can you show me some more?
Okay.
Mom, you were in the 420 Club?
I guess that explains the other
thing I found in your closet.
Who are you... Nancy Drew?
Stop going in my closet.
Actually, what are you even doing here?
- It's almost midnight.
- Okay.
Oh, no, the stone fell
out of my engagement ring.
Jennifer, I'm not blaming you for this.
Thanks.
But this is what happens
when you don't listen
to my instructions the first time.
I need a wrench.
Ugh. Frank Perinsky.
Oh, yeah.
He just opened a sporting-goods
shop down by the old mall.
What, he still lives in town?
He was the hottest guy in high school.
Yeah, he was attractive.
- He was no Toby Rollins.
- Hmm.
Uh, Jen, you've got customers.
Jen? Jen?
Frank Perinsky was so shy and broody.
We lost our virginity to each other.
It was so sweet.
We never told anyone because we
never wanted to lose the magic.
It might've been the last
perfect moment in my life.
Hurt like a son of a bitch.
Frank Perinsky...
I totally lost my virginity to that guy.
What?
Oh, my God. Frank was your first?
Why did you tell me it was Todd Capell?
I don't know. I lied.
It feels dopey now,
but Frank said that if we
told other people, we would...
Lose the magic?
Yeah. Wait. How did you... Oh, my God.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You were spying on us?
- Wait. What?
No, crazy.
Frank was my first too.
Yeah.
He told me the exact
same things he told you.
Did he tell you that
you were his first too?
Son of a bitch.
Mm.
When?
Tony Pasquali's Fourth of July party
summer after sophomore year.
Son of a bitch.
Mm.
Before or after the fireworks.
- Before?
- Wha... damn...
And ugh.
What time exactly?
I don't know. I don't want to know.
- I do.
- So do I.
- What time?
- I don't remember.
Neither do I.
Mm.
Frank cannot get away with this.
No.
You think you could get his address?
Duh, I work
for the nation's 8th-largest
parcel-delivery service, so...
Maybe.
Wow.
This guys sounds like a grade
"A" douche bag.
Yeah.
So what's the plan, ladies?
We're gonna go to his house,
and we're gonna tie him up
and weigh him down with stones,
and then we're gonna throw him in the lake.
We are not gonna do that.
- We are not gonna do that.
- Nope.
But when we're done with him,
he is gonna wish he never, never, never...
Stolen our sweet, sweet hymens.
Hymens!
Hymens!
- We'll be right back.
- Shh! Shut up.
- You shut up.
- Stop talking so loud.
You're talking too loud.
Do you have the stuff?
Are you home, Frank?
Take that!
You took my cherry.
Here, take this cherry!
- Ah!
- Take that!
Really?
Oh, no. We're out of ammo.
I got it.
What are you doing?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
I may have overcompensated.
Crap, let's go! Let's go.
I'm very disappointed in you, Jeff!
Who's out there?
And what is going on?
Run! Run!
Where are you going?
I'm telling you... The stone's a fake.
A fake.
What kind of idiot do you think I am?
That's a family heirloom. My
grandfather bought that ring.
My mistake. Your grandfather's an idiot.
I can't believe it.
All these years I pitied my friends
'cause my ring was so
much nicer than theirs,
and now your idiot
grandfather's taken that away.
Jeweler's words, not mine.
Jennifer Doyle?
Frank Perinsky?
What... What are you doing here?
Well, I found this bag on my front lawn.
I did not know you still lived here.
I saw you and Dina Simac last night.
That was...
So immature of us. I'm sorry.
- No, no. Stop.
- We...
The only apology I came here for
was the one that I need to give to you.
Obviously, you guys
figured out what a jackass
I was in high school, so I totally deserved
every part of that super-weird
revenge thing last night.
Well, at least I talked Dina
out of pooping in your bushes.
No, you didn't.
Wha...
Look, Jennifer, that Fourth of July,
that was just crazy and ridiculous.
And I am so sorry for
being a complete tool.
I should've spent the rest of that night
begging you to be my girlfriend.
It's probably my biggest
regret in high school...
Well, that and my... my frosted tips.
You mean your douche-bag horns?
Oh! Douche-bag horns?
Yeah, look who's talking,
miss "I invented The Rachel."
Hey, I had that haircut
six months before she did.
It's amazing seeing you.
You know, I still think
about you every time I hear
Only Want To Be With You on the radio?
Oh, my God.
Only Want To Be With You...
That is the best.
Let me take you to dinner.
Let me prove to you that I'm not
the idiot I was in high school.
Yeah, you know, I don't
know about that Frank.
It's...
He thinks he can charm
me into going out with him
after he betrayed Dina and me?
Ha!
The two of us swore we'd take him down...
Which is why I can't tell
her I'm going out with him.
What is it, sweetheart?
On the phone, you sounded
like you'd seen a ghost.
No, Mom, not this time.
It's about Grandma's engagement ring.
Oh, dear. I knew this day might come.
- Huh?
- What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
Stephanie's ring is a fake.
- Who told you that?
- A jeweler.
Oh, a jeweler told you that?
Suddenly they're the experts now?
How did this even happen?
I was showing Jennifer
how to clean a glass.
Well, there's your problem right there.
Cleaning glasses with a
priceless family heirloom?
She's right. What was I thinking?
Jennifer and her soap spots.
No, Mom, this isn't Stephanie's fault.
- What's going on?
- All right.
In that case, you can thank me.
I gave you a replica of
your grandmother's ring
and kept the real one.
Why would you do that?
Well, I wasn't sure if the relationship
was going to work out, and
that ring is priceless...
Or at least $14,000 with inflation.
I couldn't risk it ending
up in some pawnshop in Reno.
I can't believe this.
I'll get you the real one.
There. No harm done.
"No harm done"? Oh, God,
Mom, it's still warm.
When you gave me that ring,
you said the most heartfelt things
about me and Stephanie
and our future together.
I copied what you said
in my vows word for word.
Oh, that's why you called yourself
a big handsome bear of a man.
No, I-I wrote that part.
To find out that it was all built on a lie,
I mean, I can't believe you
didn't have faith in Stephanie.
Well, that's not true.
I have all the faith in
the world in Stephanie.
You don't believe in me?
What? Of course I do.
Let's not grill the poor woman.
She has expressed faith in me,
and I think that we should honor that.
I'm sorry, dear, but your
first wedding was a disaster.
And now you have the real ring.
I think things worked
out perfectly, don't you?
No, mom, I don't. I really don't.
Did you see how guilty my mom looked?
This is gonna be awesome!
When Mom feels guilty about something,
she tries buying your
forgiveness with gifts.
In high school, she slammed
my hand in the car door,
and I turned those mangled fingers
into a German Shepherd and a go-kart.
Emotionally blackmailing your own mother?
I know, right?
And this is the worst
she's ever betrayed me.
If I play this smart, who knows?
It's like I'm on the Price Is Right.
Are you sure about this?
Yeah.
I've seen that show, like, 100 times.
Oh.
No.
- No way.
- Mm.
- This is fun.
- Yeah, it is.
Well, when are we gonna do this again?
You know, I don't know.
I feel kind of weird
'cause I didn't tell Dina,
and I just... I really don't like
keeping things from her, so...
Well, if you think it'll hurt her,
maybe you shouldn't tell her.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
I guess what Jennifer
doesn't know can't hurt her.
I'm just thinking of her.
Hey, stranger. Haven't see you in forever.
I know, right?
Do you want to hang out tonight after work?
- Tonight.
- Yeah, tonight, tonight.
Um, ooh, you know what?
I have a Gretchen thing.
Mm.
Yeah, it's just dumb
daughter stuff. Don't ask.
Um, what about tomorrow night, though?
Mm, tomorrow... Work is crazy, you know,
with, like, the holidays
coming up and all that.
In five months?
What are you, the holiday police?
I just think it's great that you and Dina
have remained friends
after all these years.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, we hit a rough patch a while back.
Believe me, it took a lot of candy corn
to get back on her good side.
Candy corn?
I didn't know anybody ate
'em outside of Halloween.
Oh, yeah. She loves candy corn.
She says they're her favorite vegetable.
Candy corn?
Are you frickin' kidding me?
Candy corn? This is my favorite.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's mine too. I always say
it's my favorite vegetable.
That is what I always say,
and Jennifer always makes fun of me for it.
Oh, come on.
What could Jennifer possibly
think is better than candy corn?
Pepperoni sticks? How did you know?
I just thought you might like what I like.
Thanks for coming, sweetheart.
I fell terrible about
this misunderstanding.
Do you know how painful it is to find out
that my own mother doesn't believe in me?
It's heartbreaking.
How can I make it up to you, sweetie?
I don't know what you could possibly do.
Well, I did think of one thing,
but it seems so mercenary.
I don't want it to seem
like I can just buy my way out of this.
I'm listening.
Well, you and Stephanie
never had a proper honeymoon.
How about I send you and Stephanie
on a second honeymoon to Hawaii?
Well...
Wayne Doyle, come on down!
Hawaii?
Your mother is sending us to Hawaii?
That's amazing!
Yeah, I know.
- We're not taking it.
- What are you talking about?
You never take the first showcase.
It's the second showcase
that always has a car.
Everyone knows that.
Okay, that's crazy.
She's sending us on a free trip to Hawaii.
We haven't been on a
vacation in three years.
Wayne, I need this.
- Yeah, but...
- I need a vacation!
- Sweetie.
- Okay. Okay.
- You seem happy.
- What?
Oh, no, I'm just clearing
my throat, you know.
Oh.
Well, what about you, though?
You've been smiley pants all night.
Oh, that's only 'cause
I'm drinking for free.
I am drinking for free, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Is that Only Want To Be With You?
Yep.
Why is your ringtone Only
Want To Be With You?
I was... you know what?
I was just going through some old CDs
and listening to some of,
you know, our old songs,
and I'm going out with Frank.
What? Are you kidding?
- It's not serious. I'm sorry.
- Ugh.
Look, it was stupid to
keep it from you. I know.
I was just... I was kind of embarrassed.
- Do you hate me?
- No, I don't hate you.
I have to admit I'm a little disappointed.
Oh, my God!
You are going out with Frank too!
What kind of a friend
does something like that?
I could ask you the same question.
Ugh.
It's so weird.
Like, there's so many people in here,
and none of you have a cell phone.
Like, how did you Snapchat?
We didn't.
Wow. But you look so happy...
Not so much right now.
What's going on?
You don't need to know details.
You just need to know that
Dina's wrong, and I'm right.
Oh, and now you're lying
to your own daughter.
When does it stop, Jennifer?
Wow. So much for B.F. forever heart.
Oh, please. That's so cliche.
Everybody wrote that.
Did everyone write, "Jennifer,
you are my soul mate.
"I never would've gotten
through junior year without you.
"That was the hardest time of my life.
"You are the freakin' queen of advice.
- Love you, skank."
- Skank.
You were a skank.
You were a bigger skank.
That's so sweet.
I'm sorry.
Hey, there, sports fans,
come on down to the grand
opening of Perinsky sports...
He's the skank.
For all your sporting-equipment needs.
I suddenly have an urge to
go to a sporting-goods store.
- What about you?
- Yeah, let's do it.
- Hi.
- How can I help you?
We're here to see Frank Perinsky.
Oh, sorry. He's out for the moment.
Speak of the devil.
- Hey, baby.
- Son of a bitch!
Okay, so what are we gonna do?
I mean, we could be the bigger
people and just walk away.
Well, that doesn't sound like us at all.
I know. It felt wrong saying it.
Listen, Frank ruined our grand opening.
It's only fair we ruin his.
All right.
So you buy two, you get one for free.
- Okay.
- All this is...
Hi, Frank.
Well, hello, Jennifer.
I'm glad you came by.
Hey, can you, uh, give me a second?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey, you.
- Hi.
- I came to give you a kiss
- for good luck for opening.
- Oh!
Hey, um, do you know what
the most romantic spot
in the store is?
- Where?
- Aisle three. Meet me there.
Yeah.
- Hey, hon?
- Hmm?
Can you, um, go get me the invoice
for the elliptical machine
that just came in this morning?
- Sure.
- I think it's in the stockroom.
- Okay.
- Thanks, babe.
I guess you figured it out again.
Look, I'm... I'm sorry...
But...
You're just so beautiful...
- Mm.
- Both of you.
- Aw.
- And... and...
I'm so weak.
Oh.
And before you yell at me,
just know that there are
children in this store.
Oh, Frank.
We're not here because we're angry.
I mean, we were at first, of course, but...
Yeah, we were.
We realized this could be fun.
- Fun?
- A lot of fun.
I like fun.
Is there somewhere in the store we can go
where there aren't any kids?
They're not allowed in the gun section.
Ooh.
But I think my office would be better.
I mean, we were talking
about it, and we thought,
"God, why should just one of us have you
when both of us want you?"
I mean, that's just selfish. Right?
We're anything but selfish.
Finally, somebody gets me.
Oh, you're gonna get got, all right.
It's about to get much, much better.
- Mommy!
- Guys.
Guys, open the door.
Guys?
Frank, I found the...
Not again.
Attention, shoppers...
Perinsky Sports is happy to announce
their grand opening super special.
For the next ten minutes,
everything in the store is free.
No, no. No, it's not.
Don't listen to her.
Put... put that back! No, give me that.
Maggie, Wayne and I have
been thinking about it,
and we would love to take
you up on your generous offer.
It's a real honeymoon in Hawaii!
Well, that's wonderful
news, and you're so welcome.
I was so worried I'd
made the wrong gesture.
I had something that I
thought was even better,
but I wasn't sure how
you... Well, never mind.
You'll love Hawaii.
- Better?
- No, no.
You've already accepted Hawaii.
Wait, wait, wait. That wasn't binding.
We don't want Hawaii. Hawaii's crap.
We were just being polite.
But the hurt is still too deep.
I fear I'll never trust again.
Wayne, what are you doing?
This is it. Showcase number two.
Okay. Forget Hawaii.
I know exactly what you need.
It's a dune buggy. It's
a dune buggy. It's a...
- A poem.
- A what now?
Hawaii was nothing but
a cheap, craven attempt
to buy your forgiveness, and
you were right to reject it.
This poem speaks from my heart.
And when you read it, you'll
know just how proud I am
of you and Stephanie and how
much I believe in your love.
A poem?
I overbid.
First rule of Price Is Right...
Never overbid.
This is worth ten Hawaiis.
I'm so happy we were able to work this out.
Now, both of you, come give Mommy a hug.
Oh.
Check...
And mate.
Okay, so moving forward so we
don't go through this again,
we should probably clear the
air on who we've slept with.
Good idea. I'll start. Carter Pedersen.
You're clear. Scott Calish.
Technically, no. Michael Mooney.
- Michael Mooney.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
Tell me it wasn't junior prom.
This is a bad game.
Very bad game.
It's Uncle Wayne's. I was
just holding it for him.
You were holding your
high-school yearbook for him?
Oh.
Yeah, I don't know why.
Oh, my God, look at your mom's hair...
Totally rocking "The Rachel."
Okay, I had that first. She copied me.
Dina, you were captain
of the basketball team?
Hell, yeah, I was.
Check out those short shorts.
She had to get two
haircuts to pull those off.
Hey, one and a half.
Little tip.
Am I washing the glasses wrong, Stephanie?
Well, I mean, it's not really
a matter of right and wrong,
but, yes.
Do you remember your training?
You want to twist the wrist
gently but with authority.
Mm.
- Should I show you?
- Yeah.
You see the difference?
Not really. Can you show me some more?
Okay.
Mom, you were in the 420 Club?
I guess that explains the other
thing I found in your closet.
Who are you... Nancy Drew?
Stop going in my closet.
Actually, what are you even doing here?
- It's almost midnight.
- Okay.
Oh, no, the stone fell
out of my engagement ring.
Jennifer, I'm not blaming you for this.
Thanks.
But this is what happens
when you don't listen
to my instructions the first time.
I need a wrench.
Ugh. Frank Perinsky.
Oh, yeah.
He just opened a sporting-goods
shop down by the old mall.
What, he still lives in town?
He was the hottest guy in high school.
Yeah, he was attractive.
- He was no Toby Rollins.
- Hmm.
Uh, Jen, you've got customers.
Jen? Jen?
Frank Perinsky was so shy and broody.
We lost our virginity to each other.
It was so sweet.
We never told anyone because we
never wanted to lose the magic.
It might've been the last
perfect moment in my life.
Hurt like a son of a bitch.
Frank Perinsky...
I totally lost my virginity to that guy.
What?
Oh, my God. Frank was your first?
Why did you tell me it was Todd Capell?
I don't know. I lied.
It feels dopey now,
but Frank said that if we
told other people, we would...
Lose the magic?
Yeah. Wait. How did you... Oh, my God.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You were spying on us?
- Wait. What?
No, crazy.
Frank was my first too.
Yeah.
He told me the exact
same things he told you.
Did he tell you that
you were his first too?
Son of a bitch.
Mm.
When?
Tony Pasquali's Fourth of July party
summer after sophomore year.
Son of a bitch.
Mm.
Before or after the fireworks.
- Before?
- Wha... damn...
And ugh.
What time exactly?
I don't know. I don't want to know.
- I do.
- So do I.
- What time?
- I don't remember.
Neither do I.
Mm.
Frank cannot get away with this.
No.
You think you could get his address?
Duh, I work
for the nation's 8th-largest
parcel-delivery service, so...
Maybe.
Wow.
This guys sounds like a grade
"A" douche bag.
Yeah.
So what's the plan, ladies?
We're gonna go to his house,
and we're gonna tie him up
and weigh him down with stones,
and then we're gonna throw him in the lake.
We are not gonna do that.
- We are not gonna do that.
- Nope.
But when we're done with him,
he is gonna wish he never, never, never...
Stolen our sweet, sweet hymens.
Hymens!
Hymens!
- We'll be right back.
- Shh! Shut up.
- You shut up.
- Stop talking so loud.
You're talking too loud.
Do you have the stuff?
Are you home, Frank?
Take that!
You took my cherry.
Here, take this cherry!
- Ah!
- Take that!
Really?
Oh, no. We're out of ammo.
I got it.
What are you doing?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
I may have overcompensated.
Crap, let's go! Let's go.
I'm very disappointed in you, Jeff!
Who's out there?
And what is going on?
Run! Run!
Where are you going?
I'm telling you... The stone's a fake.
A fake.
What kind of idiot do you think I am?
That's a family heirloom. My
grandfather bought that ring.
My mistake. Your grandfather's an idiot.
I can't believe it.
All these years I pitied my friends
'cause my ring was so
much nicer than theirs,
and now your idiot
grandfather's taken that away.
Jeweler's words, not mine.
Jennifer Doyle?
Frank Perinsky?
What... What are you doing here?
Well, I found this bag on my front lawn.
I did not know you still lived here.
I saw you and Dina Simac last night.
That was...
So immature of us. I'm sorry.
- No, no. Stop.
- We...
The only apology I came here for
was the one that I need to give to you.
Obviously, you guys
figured out what a jackass
I was in high school, so I totally deserved
every part of that super-weird
revenge thing last night.
Well, at least I talked Dina
out of pooping in your bushes.
No, you didn't.
Wha...
Look, Jennifer, that Fourth of July,
that was just crazy and ridiculous.
And I am so sorry for
being a complete tool.
I should've spent the rest of that night
begging you to be my girlfriend.
It's probably my biggest
regret in high school...
Well, that and my... my frosted tips.
You mean your douche-bag horns?
Oh! Douche-bag horns?
Yeah, look who's talking,
miss "I invented The Rachel."
Hey, I had that haircut
six months before she did.
It's amazing seeing you.
You know, I still think
about you every time I hear
Only Want To Be With You on the radio?
Oh, my God.
Only Want To Be With You...
That is the best.
Let me take you to dinner.
Let me prove to you that I'm not
the idiot I was in high school.
Yeah, you know, I don't
know about that Frank.
It's...
He thinks he can charm
me into going out with him
after he betrayed Dina and me?
Ha!
The two of us swore we'd take him down...
Which is why I can't tell
her I'm going out with him.
What is it, sweetheart?
On the phone, you sounded
like you'd seen a ghost.
No, Mom, not this time.
It's about Grandma's engagement ring.
Oh, dear. I knew this day might come.
- Huh?
- What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
Stephanie's ring is a fake.
- Who told you that?
- A jeweler.
Oh, a jeweler told you that?
Suddenly they're the experts now?
How did this even happen?
I was showing Jennifer
how to clean a glass.
Well, there's your problem right there.
Cleaning glasses with a
priceless family heirloom?
She's right. What was I thinking?
Jennifer and her soap spots.
No, Mom, this isn't Stephanie's fault.
- What's going on?
- All right.
In that case, you can thank me.
I gave you a replica of
your grandmother's ring
and kept the real one.
Why would you do that?
Well, I wasn't sure if the relationship
was going to work out, and
that ring is priceless...
Or at least $14,000 with inflation.
I couldn't risk it ending
up in some pawnshop in Reno.
I can't believe this.
I'll get you the real one.
There. No harm done.
"No harm done"? Oh, God,
Mom, it's still warm.
When you gave me that ring,
you said the most heartfelt things
about me and Stephanie
and our future together.
I copied what you said
in my vows word for word.
Oh, that's why you called yourself
a big handsome bear of a man.
No, I-I wrote that part.
To find out that it was all built on a lie,
I mean, I can't believe you
didn't have faith in Stephanie.
Well, that's not true.
I have all the faith in
the world in Stephanie.
You don't believe in me?
What? Of course I do.
Let's not grill the poor woman.
She has expressed faith in me,
and I think that we should honor that.
I'm sorry, dear, but your
first wedding was a disaster.
And now you have the real ring.
I think things worked
out perfectly, don't you?
No, mom, I don't. I really don't.
Did you see how guilty my mom looked?
This is gonna be awesome!
When Mom feels guilty about something,
she tries buying your
forgiveness with gifts.
In high school, she slammed
my hand in the car door,
and I turned those mangled fingers
into a German Shepherd and a go-kart.
Emotionally blackmailing your own mother?
I know, right?
And this is the worst
she's ever betrayed me.
If I play this smart, who knows?
It's like I'm on the Price Is Right.
Are you sure about this?
Yeah.
I've seen that show, like, 100 times.
Oh.
No.
- No way.
- Mm.
- This is fun.
- Yeah, it is.
Well, when are we gonna do this again?
You know, I don't know.
I feel kind of weird
'cause I didn't tell Dina,
and I just... I really don't like
keeping things from her, so...
Well, if you think it'll hurt her,
maybe you shouldn't tell her.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
I guess what Jennifer
doesn't know can't hurt her.
I'm just thinking of her.
Hey, stranger. Haven't see you in forever.
I know, right?
Do you want to hang out tonight after work?
- Tonight.
- Yeah, tonight, tonight.
Um, ooh, you know what?
I have a Gretchen thing.
Mm.
Yeah, it's just dumb
daughter stuff. Don't ask.
Um, what about tomorrow night, though?
Mm, tomorrow... Work is crazy, you know,
with, like, the holidays
coming up and all that.
In five months?
What are you, the holiday police?
I just think it's great that you and Dina
have remained friends
after all these years.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, we hit a rough patch a while back.
Believe me, it took a lot of candy corn
to get back on her good side.
Candy corn?
I didn't know anybody ate
'em outside of Halloween.
Oh, yeah. She loves candy corn.
She says they're her favorite vegetable.
Candy corn?
Are you frickin' kidding me?
Candy corn? This is my favorite.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's mine too. I always say
it's my favorite vegetable.
That is what I always say,
and Jennifer always makes fun of me for it.
Oh, come on.
What could Jennifer possibly
think is better than candy corn?
Pepperoni sticks? How did you know?
I just thought you might like what I like.
Thanks for coming, sweetheart.
I fell terrible about
this misunderstanding.
Do you know how painful it is to find out
that my own mother doesn't believe in me?
It's heartbreaking.
How can I make it up to you, sweetie?
I don't know what you could possibly do.
Well, I did think of one thing,
but it seems so mercenary.
I don't want it to seem
like I can just buy my way out of this.
I'm listening.
Well, you and Stephanie
never had a proper honeymoon.
How about I send you and Stephanie
on a second honeymoon to Hawaii?
Well...
Wayne Doyle, come on down!
Hawaii?
Your mother is sending us to Hawaii?
That's amazing!
Yeah, I know.
- We're not taking it.
- What are you talking about?
You never take the first showcase.
It's the second showcase
that always has a car.
Everyone knows that.
Okay, that's crazy.
She's sending us on a free trip to Hawaii.
We haven't been on a
vacation in three years.
Wayne, I need this.
- Yeah, but...
- I need a vacation!
- Sweetie.
- Okay. Okay.
- You seem happy.
- What?
Oh, no, I'm just clearing
my throat, you know.
Oh.
Well, what about you, though?
You've been smiley pants all night.
Oh, that's only 'cause
I'm drinking for free.
I am drinking for free, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Is that Only Want To Be With You?
Yep.
Why is your ringtone Only
Want To Be With You?
I was... you know what?
I was just going through some old CDs
and listening to some of,
you know, our old songs,
and I'm going out with Frank.
What? Are you kidding?
- It's not serious. I'm sorry.
- Ugh.
Look, it was stupid to
keep it from you. I know.
I was just... I was kind of embarrassed.
- Do you hate me?
- No, I don't hate you.
I have to admit I'm a little disappointed.
Oh, my God!
You are going out with Frank too!
What kind of a friend
does something like that?
I could ask you the same question.
Ugh.
It's so weird.
Like, there's so many people in here,
and none of you have a cell phone.
Like, how did you Snapchat?
We didn't.
Wow. But you look so happy...
Not so much right now.
What's going on?
You don't need to know details.
You just need to know that
Dina's wrong, and I'm right.
Oh, and now you're lying
to your own daughter.
When does it stop, Jennifer?
Wow. So much for B.F. forever heart.
Oh, please. That's so cliche.
Everybody wrote that.
Did everyone write, "Jennifer,
you are my soul mate.
"I never would've gotten
through junior year without you.
"That was the hardest time of my life.
"You are the freakin' queen of advice.
- Love you, skank."
- Skank.
You were a skank.
You were a bigger skank.
That's so sweet.
I'm sorry.
Hey, there, sports fans,
come on down to the grand
opening of Perinsky sports...
He's the skank.
For all your sporting-equipment needs.
I suddenly have an urge to
go to a sporting-goods store.
- What about you?
- Yeah, let's do it.
- Hi.
- How can I help you?
We're here to see Frank Perinsky.
Oh, sorry. He's out for the moment.
Speak of the devil.
- Hey, baby.
- Son of a bitch!
Okay, so what are we gonna do?
I mean, we could be the bigger
people and just walk away.
Well, that doesn't sound like us at all.
I know. It felt wrong saying it.
Listen, Frank ruined our grand opening.
It's only fair we ruin his.
All right.
So you buy two, you get one for free.
- Okay.
- All this is...
Hi, Frank.
Well, hello, Jennifer.
I'm glad you came by.
Hey, can you, uh, give me a second?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey, you.
- Hi.
- I came to give you a kiss
- for good luck for opening.
- Oh!
Hey, um, do you know what
the most romantic spot
in the store is?
- Where?
- Aisle three. Meet me there.
Yeah.
- Hey, hon?
- Hmm?
Can you, um, go get me the invoice
for the elliptical machine
that just came in this morning?
- Sure.
- I think it's in the stockroom.
- Okay.
- Thanks, babe.
I guess you figured it out again.
Look, I'm... I'm sorry...
But...
You're just so beautiful...
- Mm.
- Both of you.
- Aw.
- And... and...
I'm so weak.
Oh.
And before you yell at me,
just know that there are
children in this store.
Oh, Frank.
We're not here because we're angry.
I mean, we were at first, of course, but...
Yeah, we were.
We realized this could be fun.
- Fun?
- A lot of fun.
I like fun.
Is there somewhere in the store we can go
where there aren't any kids?
They're not allowed in the gun section.
Ooh.
But I think my office would be better.
I mean, we were talking
about it, and we thought,
"God, why should just one of us have you
when both of us want you?"
I mean, that's just selfish. Right?
We're anything but selfish.
Finally, somebody gets me.
Oh, you're gonna get got, all right.
It's about to get much, much better.
- Mommy!
- Guys.
Guys, open the door.
Guys?
Frank, I found the...
Not again.
Attention, shoppers...
Perinsky Sports is happy to announce
their grand opening super special.
For the next ten minutes,
everything in the store is free.
No, no. No, it's not.
Don't listen to her.
Put... put that back! No, give me that.
Maggie, Wayne and I have
been thinking about it,
and we would love to take
you up on your generous offer.
It's a real honeymoon in Hawaii!
Well, that's wonderful
news, and you're so welcome.
I was so worried I'd
made the wrong gesture.
I had something that I
thought was even better,
but I wasn't sure how
you... Well, never mind.
You'll love Hawaii.
- Better?
- No, no.
You've already accepted Hawaii.
Wait, wait, wait. That wasn't binding.
We don't want Hawaii. Hawaii's crap.
We were just being polite.
But the hurt is still too deep.
I fear I'll never trust again.
Wayne, what are you doing?
This is it. Showcase number two.
Okay. Forget Hawaii.
I know exactly what you need.
It's a dune buggy. It's
a dune buggy. It's a...
- A poem.
- A what now?
Hawaii was nothing but
a cheap, craven attempt
to buy your forgiveness, and
you were right to reject it.
This poem speaks from my heart.
And when you read it, you'll
know just how proud I am
of you and Stephanie and how
much I believe in your love.
A poem?
I overbid.
First rule of Price Is Right...
Never overbid.
This is worth ten Hawaiis.
I'm so happy we were able to work this out.
Now, both of you, come give Mommy a hug.
Oh.
Check...
And mate.
Okay, so moving forward so we
don't go through this again,
we should probably clear the
air on who we've slept with.
Good idea. I'll start. Carter Pedersen.
You're clear. Scott Calish.
Technically, no. Michael Mooney.
- Michael Mooney.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
Tell me it wasn't junior prom.
This is a bad game.
Very bad game.