Jeeves and Wooster (1990–1993): Season 4, Episode 5 - Totleigh Towers (or, Trouble at Totleigh Towers) - full transcript
The latest house party at Totleigh Towers sees 'Stiffy' Bing trying to strong-arm Bertie into stealing an African tribal statue which, she believes, has put a curse on the Bassetts. Bertie's midnight exploits bring him into contact with Gussie Fink-Nottle who, rebelling against his betrothed Madeleine Bassett's efforts to turn him into a vegetarian, is enjoying meaty midnight feasts with Emerald, the comely American cook. Bertie steals the statue but when Major Plank, from whom it was bought, refuses to have it back, he ends up blacking up and impersonating an African tribal chief anxious to restore the statue to his tribe, Unfortunately real Africans arrive and once more it's Jeeves to the rescue.
# ln the land of San Domingo
# Lived a girl called Oh My Jingo
# Ta-da, da-da, da-da, da
# Oompah, oompah, oompah, oompah
# From the fields and from the marshes
# Came the old and young My Goshes
# Ta-da, da-da, da-da, da
# Oompah, oompah, oompah, oompah
# They all spoke with a different lingo
# But they all loved Oh By Jingo
# And every night,
they sang in the pale moonlight
# Oh, by gee, by gosh, by gum, by Jove
# Oh, by jingo, won't you hear our love
# We will build for you a hut
# You will be our favourite nut
# We'll have a lot of little Oh By Jingos
# Pink and white just like flamingos #
You know, Jeeves,
that bit when it goes...
# Ta-da, da-da, da, la-la,
oompah, oompah #
Ah! lt sends shivers down my spine.
lf you put your jacket on,
you would feel the cold less keenly.
- lt has nothing to do with cold, Jeeves.
- Miss Stoker will be here soon, sir.
We wouldn't wish to be seen
in a state of undress.
l love these songs about foreign parts.
Last year it was lndian Love Call
and Nagasaki.
l am particularly fond of
Sunny Havana, City Of Light, sir.
Jeeves,
how is it that you turn any conversation
round to your dratted obsession
about us going to Cuba?
Nothing could have been
further from my mind, sir.
No, Jeeves.
l'm not traipsing halfway round the globe
to enable you to dangle a hook in the
water in the hope of catching a haddock.
Hardly, sir. The tarpon
or megalops atlanticus
was more the prey l had in mind.
No, Jeeves. No.
Content yourself with musical
evocations of these places as l do.
# Oh, by gee, by gosh, by gum, by Jove
# Oh, by jingo,
won't you hear our love? #
(Doorbell)
# We will build for you a hut
# You will be our favourite nut
# We'll have a lot of little Oh By Joveses
# Dress them up in clogs and clotheses #
- Good afternoon, Miss Stoker.
- Good afternoon, Jeeves.
- Emerald, old thing.
- Hi, Bertie.
l didn't know you were musical.
- Neither does Jeeves. Gargle?
- Oh, yes, please.
- How are you? How's the old art school?
- Pretty good. We're on vacation now.
l just came round to say au revoir.
l'm going to the country for a month.
- A whole month all in the same place?
- Of course.
Good Lord. Nobody can stick my
company for more than about a week.
- Oh, Bertie!
- No, it's true.
Long before that,
the conversation at dinner
turns to how good the train service
to London is.
- Down the hatch.
- These people's name is Bassett.
They live in Gloucestershire
in a house called...
- Totleigh Towers.
- You know them?
- Yes.
- l've only met Madeline Bassett.
- What are they like?
- Sir Watkyn Bassett
looks like the before photo
in an advert for indigestion pills.
Miss Bassett said
her fiance's going to be there too.
- l suppose he might. Gussie Fink-Nottle.
- No.
Well, it seems unlikely...
- No. l mean, l know him.
- Nobody knows Gussie.
- He spends all his time in Lincolnshire.
- With his newts. l met him at a party.
l thought he was a lamb.
No. You mean a fish.
Looks like a halibut.
He does not look like a halibut!
lf there's any mail,
send it on to Totleigh Towers.
Ah. What ho, Gussie.
Oh. Hello, Bertie. l can't stop, l've got
to catch the 1 :30 from Paddington.
You can look for a friend of yours
on the train.
- Emerald Stoker. She met you at a party.
- Oh, yes. We had a really nice talk.
About newts.
l don't know where l've met a girl
who has attracted me more.
Except, of course, Madeline.
Madeline?
Don't talk to me about Madeline.
Madeline makes me sick.
- Gussie!
- Well, it's true.
Oh, by the way, Stephanie wants you
to come down to Totleigh for a few days.
Some hope.
- Afternoon, Rogers.
- Good afternoon, sir.
Usual, please, George.
- Ah, Bertie. Thought l'd find you here.
- Mind the...
What brings you to the metrop, Stinker?
A Harlequins committee meeting.
- A what committee meeting?
- Harlequins. The rugby club.
Oh. Good.
- How's Stephanie?
- Oh, l don't know, Bertie.
l've still not got enough money
for us to marry.
Hasn't Pop Bassett
given you that vicarage yet?
No. l think he was about ready
to close the deal last week,
but l bumped into a vase of his
and broke it.
He said he couldn't trust me
with a delicate thing like Stiffy.
Stiffy wants me to come down
to Totleigh, doesn't she?
lt works!
- Even at this distance.
- Works? What works?
How did you know
Stiffy wants you to come down?
l just met Gussie in the vestibule.
Oh.
Oh, l see. To tell you the truth, Bertie...
there's odd things going on at Totleigh,
supernatural things.
Anyway, there's something
Stiffy wants you to do for her.
You're not yourself, Stinker,
or you wouldn't be gibbering like this.
l'd run a mile in tight shoes for Stiffy,
but she lacks that balanced judgement
one likes to see in girls.
Now, what does
she have in mind for me?
She'd rather keep it under her hat
until she saw you.
- She won't see me.
- She'll be terribly disappointed.
You'll administer spiritual solace.
Goodbye, Stinker.
Good afternoon...sir.
Your master is
an extremely worried man, Jeeves.
Sir?
Oh, stop playing with the hat, Jeeves.
l knew you wouldn't like it.
Not at all, sir. Oh, good heavens,
it has its name printed on the inside.
How convenient. ''The Alpine.''
Did you purchase
the article in a shop, sir?
Of course l bought it in a shop, Jeeves.
Department store.
l see, sir.
One reads about such places, of course.
l was wondering whether
they also stocked the leather trousering
which would set it off to full effect.
Put the hat away, Jeeves.
l have just seen Gussie Fink-Nottle.
l mentioned Miss Bassett's name.
- Follow me closely, Jeeves.
- Very good, sir.
He said, ''Don't take to me about
Madeline, Madeline makes me sick.''
- These are not the words of love.
- No, sir.
These are the words of a man cheesed
to the back teeth with the adored object.
l didn't get the details, but if Gussie,
as pronounced a fathead
as ever broke biscuit,
gives Madeline the heave-ho,
then l'm the next in line.
Steps must be taken, Jeeves.
- lt would seem advisable, sir.
- But what steps?
- Perhaps a trip to Totleigh Towers, sir.
- But there's another snag.
Stiffy Byng has something
she wants me to do.
You know the sort of thing
Stiffy wants people to do.
- Recall the episode with Oates' helmet?
- With vividity, sir.
Would it not be possible for you
to go to Totleigh Towers,
but decline
to carry out Miss Byng's wishes?
lssue a nolle prosequi?
- Tell her to go and boil her head?
- Precisely, sir.
You do recall Miss Byng,
do you, Jeeves?
Still it's the best we can do.
Get a telegram off to Miss Bassett.
Dark forces are drawing us
towards Totleigh, Jeeves.
Still, Friday ought to be soon enough.
Tomorrow might be more prudent, sir.
- Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- Good afternoon.
Good afternoon, sir.
Mr Wooster.
- Bertie!
- What ho, Madeline.
- You should not have come here.
- Ah, well...
l had not the heart
to deny your pathetic request.
l know how much you yearn
to see me again, however hopelessly.
But is it wise?
l love Augustus.
Oh, well, that's absolutely...
lt makes me sad
to think of your hopeless love, Bertie.
Like the moth and the star.
But what can l do?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
You carry on regardless.
But it breaks my heart.
(Sobs)
- (Bertie) Now, look here, Madeline.
- Madeline, what's the matter?
lt's nothing, Roderick. Nothing.
(Sobs)
Cucumber sandwich?
You've made her cry,
you heartless swine!
Now, now. Now, look here, Spode.
You have come here to try and sow
doubts in her mind
about the one she loves.
- No, no, no..
- You hope to win her from Fink-Nottle.
Let me tell you, Wooster,
l have loved that girl for years,
but never by word or look
have l so much as hinted at it.
l shall be watching you, Wooster,
watching you closely.
Be very, very careful!
Careful, yes.
Ah. Bertie.
The very person l want to see.
l've got a little job for you.
Stiffy, how nice to see you looking
so well. You are well, l trust?
- And l'm not doing any little job.
- Bertie, don't be such a stick.
lt will only take you five minutes.
Hey, you!
- Don't wander all over the house.
- Well, l...
Wait a minute. l know you.
You're that fellow Wooster.
Madeline asked Bertie down,
Uncle Watkyn.
- Madeline did? How long for?
- Ah, well. A week was mentioned.
No. Good God.
Well...
Welcome to Totleigh.
l must have a talk with Madeline.
Well, Jeeves, Totleigh is still the hellhole
we know and love.
- lndeed, sir.
- But, Jeeves,
and it's a but the size of Hyde Park,
Miss Bassett and Gussie
are sweethearts still.
l fear you may be too sanguine, sir.
Miss Bassett's sentiments
may be such as you have described,
but on Mr Fink-Nottle's side
there exists no little dissatisfaction.
You mean she's a sweetheart still,
but he isn't?
Precisely, sir. l encountered
Mr Fink-Nottle in the stable yard
when l was putting away the car.
His story has occasioned me
grave unease.
Jeeves, l have the unpleasant feeling
that centipedes are sauntering up and
down my spinal column
waving to their friends.
What's happened?
Miss Bassett has insisted Mr Fink-Nottle
adopt a vegetarian diet, sir.
Do you mean spinach
and similar garbage?
So l gather, sir.
No wonder Gussie said Madeline
made him feel sick.
Blast all vegetables, say l.
The cook expressed herself
in similar vein
when Mr Fink-Nottle
explained his predicament to her.
lt melted her heart in sympathy
for his distress.
l'm not in the mood to hear about
cook's hearts. Melted or otherwise.
Nevertheless, sir,
she did instruct Mr Fink-Nottle
that if he would visit the kitchen
during the hours of darkness
when the house had retired for the night,
she would happily supply him
with cold steak and kidney pie.
Well, Jeeves, this is wonderful.
Cold steak and kidney pie
is merely a palliative, sir.
On the contrary, it's Gussie's favourite
dish. He does 90 miles to the slice.
- Oh. Oh, it's you, Bertie.
- Yes, Gussie.
The very same. Accept no substitutes.
What are you doing?
l was hoping there might be some nuts
with the cocktails, but no.
Do you know what it's like
to be perpetually hungry, Bertie?
- Courage. Think of the old S and K.
- S and K?
- Steak and kidney.
- Sh!
Cook sounds like an angel
in human form.
- She is, as you know.
No, l don't know.
Haven't had the pleasure.
Of course you have. lt's Emerald Stoker.
Emerald Stoker is the cook?
lt appears she's dependent on a monthly
allowance from her father in New York.
But earlier this month, he put
everything on Sonny Jim at Kempton.
Sad, sad.
Well, she could have touched me.
My dear Bertie,
a girl like that doesn't borrow money.
Much too proud.
(Stiffy) Harold is in charge
of the school treat.
Well done, Stinker.
Uncle Watkyn is going to give him a
vicarage and we'll be able to get married.
We'll see, my dear. We'll see.
Sir Watkyn's allowing us
to exhibit his silver.
We're putting up a special tent for it.
Gussie could bring some newts.
What?
To the school treat.
lt would be interesting to look at newts.
l'm not going to have my newts
stared at by all and sundry.
Also, l don't see why you're allowed
to eat roast beef
when you're meant to be a vegetarian.
Oh, Gussie, how could you? How cruel.
- You devil in human form, Fink-Nottle!
- Well, l don't see...
You know Madeline has to eat meat
for medical reasons. She's delicate.
l hate every mouthful,
it's torture.
- Well, it doesn't look like torture to me.
- Oh, Gussie!
(Sobs)
l'll talk to you later, Fink-Nottle.
Ha.
- That's new, isn't it, Sir Watkyn?
- What?
That thing in the middle of the table.
Little bijou.
Uncle Watkyn bought it
from a man named Plank,
who lives over in Hockley-cum-Meston.
lt's worth ?1 ,000.
But it's evil, it should never have been
allowed into the house.
Rot, Stephanie. lt's a perfectly ordinary
African tribal totem.
Oh. Well, golly.
- Soapstone, is it?
- Amber. Black amber.
lt's got a curse on it.
lt's been nothing but bad luck.
(Owl hoots)
Bertie.
What ho, Stiffy.
Come in here.
That black statue thing
on the table at dinner.
Why do you think Major Plank
let Uncle Watty have it for ?5?
?5? l thought you said it was ?1 ,000.
l said it was worth that.
When your uncle, Tom Travers,
was over here,
Uncle Watty told him that he'd spotted it
on this fellow Plank's mantelpiece,
and had told Plank
that it was worth practically nothing,
but that he'd give him a fiver for it.
He gloated over how clever he'd been.
- Little did he know...
- What do you mean, little did he know?
lt has got a curse on it.
Pfff! Oh, what rot!
Since it arrived here,
there's been nothing but accidents.
Didn't you feel the evil power
emanating from it?
- No.
- lt's changing Uncle Watkyn too.
He's getting nasty and short-tempered.
Well, now wait a minute.
Stiffy, l hate to break this to you,
but your uncle has always been nasty.
The midwife who delivered him
remarked on it.
No, it's different now.
lt's the power of that terrible thing.
That's why he won't give Harold a
vicarage so we can get married.
- And that's why you're going to steal it.
- Oh, no, Stiffy. l told you, no little jobs.
Then you take it back to Plank
and get him to give you ?5 for it.
- Why can't you just throw it away?
- You can't do that.
lf you did that,
you'd bring the curse down on yourself.
No, it has to go back
to the last person in the chain.
And if money changed hands, then the
same amount must change hands again.
No, Stiffy. l'm sorry, but l have never
in my life heard such an earful of gabber.
No, no, no, no, no.
And no. l'm sorry, but l'm issuing
a nolle prosequi on this one.
A most extraordinary thing
happened last night, Bertie.
- l wasn't here.
- No.
At about two o'clock,
l woke up
and heard someone creeping about.
Well, you know how those stairs creak.
Anyway, l got up and saw
Gussie sneaking down to the kitchen.
The door was open a crack and l peered
in,
and there was the cook shovelling
cold steak-and-kidney pie into Gussie
like a stevedore loading a grain ship.
- Really? Well, yes, very interesting.
- lsn't it?
The thought flashed into my mind
there and then,
if Madeline got to hear about this,
poor old Gussie would be given
the bum's rush
before he knew what had hit him.
Well, yes. lf.
And you know who'd be next in line.
You wouldn't tell her?
You know how indiscreet l am, Bertie.
Oh, Stiffy, this is blackmail. Why can't
you pinch the blasted statue yourself?
Suppose l got caught.
Tonight. Eh, Bertie?
Oh, Stiffy.
Mmm. Mm.
Mmm.
Feel better?
Emerald.
l know l heard something.
Wooster!
Oh, hello.
Thought l'd, er... come down for a book.
One would have thought
it would have been within the scope
of even your limited abilities
to press a light switch.
You never think of that, though, do you?
What are you holding behind your back,
Wooster?
Back?
Back. Yes. You've heard
the word before, l presume?
Back. Rather. Yes.
There's back, front, side.
Other side.
So what is it you have there?
Let me see your hands, Wooster.
This instant!
Shoot him, Watkyn.
Don't show him any mercy.
Hands, Wooster.
Oh, hands. Right.
Oh.
Tinkety-tonk.
(Sighs) l don't know what
l'd do without you, Jeeves.
Ha! Ah, there you are.
Hope l haven't kept you waiting.
Having rugger practice.
Come in, my dear fellow, come in.
Make yourself comfortable, my
dear fellow. l'll just get these boots off.
See me in the centre there,
holding the ball?
My last year at school.
- l skippered the side that season.
- Oh, really?
- You fond of rugger?
- l've never gone in for it, no.
Good God. Mind you, l didn't get much
of it after leaving school.
They stationed me in West Africa.
Really?
Tried to teach the natives the game,
but had to give it up. Too many deaths.
- Yes. Got a bit tricky for a while.
- Deaths?
Well, hard ground, you see, and the heat.
Still, retired now, and l'm going
to make Hockley-cum-Meston
the best rugger village
in Gloucestershire.
But what we need, though,
is a good prop forward.
And l'll be damned if l can find one.
Still, you don't want to hear all this.
You want to hear about
my Brazilian expedition.
- Oh, you've been to Brazil.
- Didn't you know l'd been to Brazil?
Nobody tells me anything.
You are the chap
from the Daily Express?
- No.
- Oh. Oh, good Lord.
l thought you must be the chap
who wanted to talk to me
about my Brazilian explorations.
Oh, you're an explorer.
Does the name Herbert Plank
mean nothing to you?
- ls your name Plank?
- Of course it is.
What a coincidence. l've been looking
for a character called Plank.
l have here a sort of a...
Sort of a whatnot.
Where did you get that?
- lf you just give me ?5 for it.
- You've stolen that.
l've got your number now.
You won't get any ?5 from me, my man!
- l'm going to call the police.
- That won't be necessary, sir.
- Who the devil are you?
- Chief lnspector Witherspoon, sir.
Scotland Yard.
Has this man been attempting
to obtain monies from you, sir?
Yes.
Can't say l'm surprised. We've had our
eye on this one for a long time now.
l suspected from the first.
Nasty hangdog look he's got.
See that statuette he's holding?
l sold that to Sir Watkyn Bassett
for ?1 ,000.
And he has the cool cheek
to try and sell it to me for ?5.
He's stolen it, of course.
(Tuts) Did he indeed, sir?
l shall impound the object.
We'll need that as evidence.
Come along, Joe, the game is up.
Thank you for your help, Major Plank.
Alpine Joe, we call him, sir,
on account of his peculiar headgear.
- He's got it on now.
- He never moves without it.
You'd think he'd have the sense
to adopt a disguise.
But then, the likes of you and l will never
understand the criminal mind. Come on.
What on earth is going on, Jeeves?
The truth about the statuette transaction
came to light, sir.
What truth? Which transaction?
There is no foundation for the story
that Sir Watkyn told Mr Travers, sir.
ln actual fact, he did pay Major Plank
?1 ,000 for the object.
Why on earth did he tell Uncle Tom
he only paid a fiver?
He acted from a desire
to exasperate Mr Travers.
Mr Travers is a collector,
and collectors are never pleased
when they learn that a rival has acquired
an objet d'art of great value
at a nugatory price.
lf you could let me off here, sir.
Why do you want to get out here?
Sir Watkyn has now discovered
the absence of the statuette, sir,
Constable Oates and the Earl of Sidcup
are conducting the investigation.
Oh, my lord, Jeeves,
two minds with not a single thought.
lndeed, sir. l think it wise
if l alight here with the statuette
and smuggle it into the dining room.
No, l won't!
Put your hands up. l'm going to search
you, Fink-Nottle, if it's the last thing l do.
You are not!
l'm going to talk to our host about this.
Come back here!
No.
All right, Mr Wooster, sir. You stay right
where you are, sir, while l search you.
No, you blasted well don't.
ls he giving you trouble, Oates?
Don't you worry yourself,
Lord Sidcup, sir.
l has my own ways
of dealing with desperadoes.
Tell me what it is you're looking for.
Sir Watkyn's priceless African totem
has disappeared.
Oh, rot.
- Now, Wooster, what do you see?
- What do you mean, what do l see?
Don't porter with me, Wooster.
- l beg your pardon...
- l'm interrogating a criminal.
- Yes, lordship...
- Quiet!
What your friend is trying to tell you
is there is a singularly unattractive
black statuette on the table.
What?
ls that what you're looking for?
You wily devil, Wooster.
Oh, pish.
What's the meaning of this, Oates?
- l was trying to tell you.
- Don't bandy words with me. Dolt.
Ow!
Lord Sidcup, sir.
l'm furious with Augustus.
- Oh, surely not.
- He was so rude about Roderick.
Never.
He said to Daddy
that he was sick and tired
of seeing Roderick clumping
about the place as if it belonged to him,
and if Daddy had more sense than
a billiard ball, he would charge him rent.
- He was most offensive.
- Well, he said it with a light laugh.
No.
You didn't notice it?
Easy to miss light laughs.
He was harsh and bitter.
He's been like this for a long time.
Are you sure, Madeline, that you're wise
in confining Gussie
to carrots and the like?
He simply needs a mutton chop or two
under his belt.
He's not going to have them.
lf he ever eats
the flesh of animals slain in anger,
l will have nothing more to do with him.
- And then she just biffed off.
- Most disturbing, sir.
There we have it. On the one hand,
Madeline's strong anti-flesh bias,
and on the other, Gussie's determination
to get all the cuts off the joint
that are coming to him.
What, l ask myself, will the harvest be?
Perhaps you could persuade
Mr Fink-Nottle
to apologise to Sir Watkyn
and Lord Sidcup.
This might ameliorate the tension
between himself and Miss Bassett.
l can try. But you know what Mr
Fink-Nottle is like
once he gets the bit
between his teeth.
(Knock on door)
lt's back.
l know it's back. l brought it back.
Oh, Bertie, you are a complete fool.
Well, l like that.
lt was you who got the story all wrong.
Are you going to pick on
every little thing l do?
Well, you'll just have to get it back
to Major Plank again.
How can l? He thinks l'm Alpine Joe.
Who?
And unless he gives me ?1 ,000,
the curse will fall on me.
- Get him to give you the ?1 ,000, then.
- (Clears throat)
You'll pardon me for interrupting,
Miss Byng,
but there may be another way out of this.
The object is a totem
for the Umgali people.
ls it?
The Umgali believe that the tribal chief
can short-cut the rather laborious
procedure for the return of a totem,
by personally laying claim to it
using a particular form of words.
A spell, you mean?
l should not like to go so far
as to say that, miss,
but l have been in communication
with the Zynegean High Commission,
and it so happens that
the chief of the Umgali is in London.
Jeeves, that's wonderful.
The High Commission is of the opinion
that the chief will be interested in
recovering the object.
And you think
my uncle is just going to hand it over?
l understand that the chief of the Umgali
has certain powers, miss,
which might make his demands
irresistible.
Well, l wish him luck with Uncle Watkyn.
But if we don't stop that thing
from influencing him,
by making him refuse
to give Harold a vicarage,
we know what will happen, don't we,
Bertie?
- Oh, now, look, Stiffy.
- A little bird will chirrup in Madeline's ear
about Gussie getting
illicit steak and kidney.
Then Madeline will be looking for a new
victim to inflict the turnip torture on.
Women always put a damper on things,
don't they, Jeeves?
They're brought up to believe it is their
duty to restrain male optimism, sir.
And indeed in this case
there may be cause for restraint.
The High Commission informs me
that the chief will probably be loath
to miss
tomorrow's programme of racing
at Ascot.
Good lord, Jeeves,
what do we do if he doesn't turn up?
l can only suggest
that somebody impersonates him, sir.
Oh, no.
No, no, no. Absolutely not.
Under no circumstances.
And unless l actually was the chief,
the curse would just be on me again.
But you surely don't
believe in the curse, sir?
Oh, no, that's right. l don't, do l?
So long as your performance provokes
Sir Watkyn into giving you the statuette...
lt isn't going to convince anyone,
Jeeves, because it isn't going to happen.
l'd better go and persuade Gussie
to apologise to Spode and Sir Watkyn.
- Do you know what l feel like, Jeeves?
- No, sir.
l feel like that little Dutch boy
with all his fingers and toes
in various holes in the dyke.
- (Knock on door)
- Come in.
- Ah. What ho, Gussie.
- Oh, hello, Bertie.
Do you know that Spode creature
tried to search me?
Well, yes, actually. That's...
- What are you doing?
- l'm putting on my galoshes.
- What for?
- l'm going for a walk with Emerald.
Or perhaps a row on the river.
You can't go for a walk with Emerald.
- You can't row, anyway.
- No, but Emerald can.
She's wonderful, Bertie.
No, no, no, no, no. No, Gussie.
l mean, a pleasant enough girl,
l suppose.
She says l can hold the rope things
and steer.
She says if you pull it this way,
it goes in this direction.
But if you pull it that way,
it goes in that direction.
She knows so many things, Bertie.
(Chuckles)
(Telephone)
There's a Major Plank on the telephone,
sir.
- Are you there?
- Thought l'd give you a ring, Sir Watkyn,
after all the excitement.
What about Alpine Joe, eh?
What? Who? Alpine Joe?
Who in God's name is Alpine Joe?
Detective lnspector Witherspoon?
Are you feeling all right, Plank?
Tonight? No, no, no.
l'm just going to have my tea.
Come over to Totleigh tomorrow
morning. We can talk about it then.
What? No.
No, l've never heard of Alpine Joe.
Nor the other one.
(# Fairground music)
l don't want to go to this dratted school
treat, Jeeves.
l fear it might be wise to vacate the
house, sir, if Major Plank is expected.
What's in the bag?
Your African costume, sir,
should it be necessary.
- Oh, Jeeves, can't you do it?
- No, l'm sorry, sir.
What if l was to say
the word Cuba, Jeeves?
Not even then, sir.
Five throws for a penny.
Hoopla. Five throws a penny.
Win any prize you ring. Now, madam,
can l interest you, perhaps?
Five throws a penny.
Any prize you ring
from a selection of magnificent prizes.
(Spode) Three balls for a penny.
Win a prize coconut.
No! Not like that, you namby-pamby.
Here, Gussie. Get me some more
water from the pump, will you?
- l don't want to leave you.
- Oh, Gussie.
l could stay there watching you pour tea
for the rest of my life.
- Oh, Gussie.
- Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh.
Fink-Nottle!
Come back here, you bounder.
Fink-Nottle.
- What on earth is the matter, Spode?
- Fink-Nottle's a libertine.
- A libertine? Gussie?
- l've just seen him kissing the cook.
- What?
- And now l'm going to break his neck.
Spode...
Sir Watkyn, which is the Benin bronze
head and which is the Makonde mask?
The Benin bronze is the one at the back.
lsn't Harold being helpful,
Uncle Watkyn?
Yes, yes, yes. Doing very well.
You are going to let him have a vicarage,
aren't you?
So that we can get married.
Oh, l suppose you know
what you're doing. Very well.
Oh, Uncle Watty.
(Screaming)
(Boy) Gotcha.
Gussie, isn't it wonderful?
Uncle Watty's given Harold a vicarage.
- Oh.
- What are you doing here?
Roderick Spode's looking for you
because he wants to tear you
limb from limb for kissing the cook.
Did you kiss the cook, Gussie?
Yes, he did kiss the blasted cook.
Spode's looking for me?
He says he's going to tear your legs off.
- Agh!
- Oh, dear.
- Ah.
- Uh?
l'm now going to break your neck,
Fink-Nottle.
- No.
- Yes.
Harold. Well, one of you, do something.
l'm a coward.
Well done, Harold.
Would it be wise to remove yourself,
do you think, Gussie,
before Spode comes to?
(Gussie gasps)
(Jeeves) Five throws a penny.
Win any prize you ring.
Now Spode's seen him kissing Emerald,
he'll break Gussie's neck.
- Come along, ladies and gentlemen.
- Stinker socked Spode on the jaw.
Can you stop doing that, Jeeves?
We mustn't neglect
the passing trade, sir.
Nor would it be advisable
to neglect the statuette.
- lt seems to be now or never, sir.
- You mean...
Particularly with
Major Plank approaching us.
What?
Oh, my God.
lnspector Witherspoon.
What on earth are you doing here?
l'm working undercover as we say, sir.
Call me Jeeves.
Jeeves. Oh, right.
- Ah, Major Plank. Good of you to come.
- Afternoon, Sir Watkyn.
Seen my little exhibition yet?
- Exhibition? No.
- Come and have a look.
That totem l bought off you
has pride of place, of course.
Gussie, there you are.
The urn's nearly empty.
What have you been doing
with yourself? There's nothing in here!
Spode shook me, Em.
That gorilla.
Oh, you poor lamb.
Fink-Nottle.
Huh?
(Growls)
- l say.
- Leave Gussie alone.
Oh, no, my dear.
Oh, no.
Oh, Emerald.
Oh, Lord!
Augustus,
we've been looking everywhere for you.
Gussie, you brute.
Not at all. He was warned.
He saw me remove my glasses.
When l remove my glasses,
those who know what's good for them
head for the hills.
l hate you. l hate you.
You hate me, do you?
l do. l loathe you.
ln that case, l shall now eat...
a ham sandwich.
Oh! Flesh.
Good afternoon.
Come along, Emerald.
l told Harold about the vicarage,
Uncle Watkyn.
- Oh, hello, Major Plank.
- My dear.
What vicarage is that, Stephanie?
The vicarage that you're giving him.
You appear to be under a
misapprehension.
- But you said just now...
- l was not aware when l spoke as l did,
that Mr Pinker was planning a brutal
assault upon the Earl of Sidcup.
Oh.
This is a George ll brandy pan
l picked up in Bournemouth.
- l like the gadroons around the um...
- Dragoons, yes.
Here we are, your excellency.
Bertie.
Bertie! Bertie.
Bertie.
Stop!
Who the devil are you?
Ah, me, Chief Umdingo.
And me come from
far across great water.
What?
Chief Umdingo come claim tribe's, er...
Erm... thing.
He travel many days
on much big iron boat.
- Much big iron boat?
- Much, much, much big iron boat.
You steal tribe's thing.
Umdingo come and take him back.
l've never heard so much tingle-tangle
in all of my life.
Umdingo. Him not speak tingle-tangle.
Umdingo say, er... him thing.
Much magic, my tribe.
Would you mind repeating that?
No, not at all.
Him thing, much magic, my tribe.
- Where are you from?
- What?
What tribe do you belong to?
Um... Well, er...
(Speaks in African dialect)
What's going on?
- l'm looking for Sir Watkyn Bassett.
- That's me.
Oh. Sir Watkyn. How do you do?
My name's Toto.
- Chief Toto, for my sins.
- Yes?
Look here,
this is really very embarrassing for me,
but it's about that doodad
you have there.
What about it?
The truth of the matter is it should never
have left the tribe. l'm here to get it back.
Wait a minute.
lf you're the chief of the tribe...
- Mm-hm.
- ..who the Socrates is this?
(Nervous laugh)
(Toto) l haven't the foggiest.
l must consult with, er... elders of tribe.
(Gasps)
Do you know who that was?
Alpine Joe!
- lt's Woody Plank, isn't it?
- Yes.
Toto! How the devil are you?
lt's been a few years.
Are you still on your quest
for the perfect prop forward?
- Oh, yes.
- Can we get back to the matter in hand?
l'm sorry,
but l bought that totem fair and square.
Yes, of course. But you see,
it's one of these blasted tribal things.
One doesn't want to appear crass
or anything, but one did wonder if, um...
(Clears throat)
..this might be some recompense.
(Gasps)
lnto the car! Quick!
Emerald! Gussie!
Gussie. You can't leave me
at the mercy of Madeline.
Oh, yes, he can.
We're going to get married.
Bye, Bertie.
l'm sorry, Stiffy.
l didn't want to hit Spode.
Good lord. lsn't that Stinker Pinker?
- Pinker?
- We were at Harrow together. HP Pinker.
HP Pinker?
Not the HP Pinker?
Mm-hm.
- Perhaps Sir Watkyn will feel differently.
- Stinker.
Good Lord!
Buffy Toto.
You're HP Pinker, aren't you?
Prop forward for Oxford and England
a few years back?
Yes.
What an honour. Look here,
l'm desperate for a prop forward
for the Hockley-cum-Meston side.
Oh, l don't think...
l may be talking out of turn here,
but we need a new vicar as well.
You wouldn't be interested in a vicarage,
would you?
We most certainly would.
Oh. l say.
Bertie. Bertie!
Daddy, have you seen Bertie Wooster
anywhere?
Yes. He's somewhere about. Dressed up
in some ludicrous costume. Why?
l'm going to marry him.
Madeline says
she's going to marry that idiot Wooster.
What? Ah.
But she can't! Well,
he's worse than that fish-faced blighter.
l know. Far worse.
Oh. l must talk to her. Madeline!
Madeline! Madeline.
Madeline.
Madeline.
Madeline.
ls this true?
You're going to marry Wooster?
Yes, Roderick, it is true.
But you can't love a half-witted,
half-baked idiot like Wooster.
He loves me, Roderick.
You must have seen that dumb
worshipping look in his eyes
as he gazes at me.
You can't marry Wooster, Madeline.
You can't. You can't!
- Your Highness. Major Plank.
- Thank you.
Still working undercover, Jeeves?
Sir Watkyn.
Sir.
Can't you do anything, Jeeves?
l'm sunk, scuppered,
Madeline Bassetted at last.
- l'm sorry, sir.
- Jeeves, Cuba.
- The tarpon leaping.
- Such a trip might be feasible, sir?
Yes, Jeeves, yes.
Two weeks in sunny Havana.
Your predicament does present
almost insuperable obstacles, of course.
All right, three weeks.
Perhaps l might be able
to manage something, sir.
A month, Jeeves. Four whole weeks.
And l'll throw in the alpine hat.
Leave it to me, sir.
(Groans)
Excuse me, Lord Sidcup.
The guests are all assembled.
- Everyone's there, are they?
- Yes, sir.
Perhaps you have hidden depths,
Wooster, is that it?
l don't think so.
No one's ever mentioned it, anyway.
Oh, my God.
Ladies and gentlemen,
l have an announcement to make.
Little Madeline has consented
to be the next Countess of Sidcup.
What?
She's done me the honour
of accepting my proposal of marriage.
(Laughs)
(Applause)
Well, Jeeves, l take my hat off to you.
l don't know how you arranged it.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
you can't have...
Jeeves. Did you know about this?
Another glass of champagne, sir?
l'm so happy, l could sing.
Well, you've come to the right shop.
# Oh, by gee, by gosh, by gum, by Jove
# Oh, by Jove, oh, by Jove, oh, by Jove
# Oh by jingo, won't you hear our love
# Will you, can you raise your voice
# Louder!
# We will build for you a hut
# Yes!
# You will be our favourite nut
# Correct!
# We'll have a lot of little Oh By Joveses
# Dress them up in clogs and clotheses
# Oh, by gee, by gosh, by gum, by Jove
# Oh, by Jove, oh, by Jove, oh, by Jove
# Oh, by jingo, won't you hear our love
# Will you, can you raise your voice
# Louder!
# We will build for you a hut
# Yes!
# You will be our favourite nut
# Correct!
# We'll have a lot of little Oh By Joveses
# Dress them up in clogs and clotheses
# Oh, by jingo, by gosh, by gee
# A, B, C, D, E, stop
# Oh, by Jiminy, please don't bother me
# Bother her, bother her
# So they all went away saying
# Oh, by gee, by gosh, by gum,
by Oh My Jingo
# By gee, you're the only one for me
# Bring me lobster on a clean plate #
# Lived a girl called Oh My Jingo
# Ta-da, da-da, da-da, da
# Oompah, oompah, oompah, oompah
# From the fields and from the marshes
# Came the old and young My Goshes
# Ta-da, da-da, da-da, da
# Oompah, oompah, oompah, oompah
# They all spoke with a different lingo
# But they all loved Oh By Jingo
# And every night,
they sang in the pale moonlight
# Oh, by gee, by gosh, by gum, by Jove
# Oh, by jingo, won't you hear our love
# We will build for you a hut
# You will be our favourite nut
# We'll have a lot of little Oh By Jingos
# Pink and white just like flamingos #
You know, Jeeves,
that bit when it goes...
# Ta-da, da-da, da, la-la,
oompah, oompah #
Ah! lt sends shivers down my spine.
lf you put your jacket on,
you would feel the cold less keenly.
- lt has nothing to do with cold, Jeeves.
- Miss Stoker will be here soon, sir.
We wouldn't wish to be seen
in a state of undress.
l love these songs about foreign parts.
Last year it was lndian Love Call
and Nagasaki.
l am particularly fond of
Sunny Havana, City Of Light, sir.
Jeeves,
how is it that you turn any conversation
round to your dratted obsession
about us going to Cuba?
Nothing could have been
further from my mind, sir.
No, Jeeves.
l'm not traipsing halfway round the globe
to enable you to dangle a hook in the
water in the hope of catching a haddock.
Hardly, sir. The tarpon
or megalops atlanticus
was more the prey l had in mind.
No, Jeeves. No.
Content yourself with musical
evocations of these places as l do.
# Oh, by gee, by gosh, by gum, by Jove
# Oh, by jingo,
won't you hear our love? #
(Doorbell)
# We will build for you a hut
# You will be our favourite nut
# We'll have a lot of little Oh By Joveses
# Dress them up in clogs and clotheses #
- Good afternoon, Miss Stoker.
- Good afternoon, Jeeves.
- Emerald, old thing.
- Hi, Bertie.
l didn't know you were musical.
- Neither does Jeeves. Gargle?
- Oh, yes, please.
- How are you? How's the old art school?
- Pretty good. We're on vacation now.
l just came round to say au revoir.
l'm going to the country for a month.
- A whole month all in the same place?
- Of course.
Good Lord. Nobody can stick my
company for more than about a week.
- Oh, Bertie!
- No, it's true.
Long before that,
the conversation at dinner
turns to how good the train service
to London is.
- Down the hatch.
- These people's name is Bassett.
They live in Gloucestershire
in a house called...
- Totleigh Towers.
- You know them?
- Yes.
- l've only met Madeline Bassett.
- What are they like?
- Sir Watkyn Bassett
looks like the before photo
in an advert for indigestion pills.
Miss Bassett said
her fiance's going to be there too.
- l suppose he might. Gussie Fink-Nottle.
- No.
Well, it seems unlikely...
- No. l mean, l know him.
- Nobody knows Gussie.
- He spends all his time in Lincolnshire.
- With his newts. l met him at a party.
l thought he was a lamb.
No. You mean a fish.
Looks like a halibut.
He does not look like a halibut!
lf there's any mail,
send it on to Totleigh Towers.
Ah. What ho, Gussie.
Oh. Hello, Bertie. l can't stop, l've got
to catch the 1 :30 from Paddington.
You can look for a friend of yours
on the train.
- Emerald Stoker. She met you at a party.
- Oh, yes. We had a really nice talk.
About newts.
l don't know where l've met a girl
who has attracted me more.
Except, of course, Madeline.
Madeline?
Don't talk to me about Madeline.
Madeline makes me sick.
- Gussie!
- Well, it's true.
Oh, by the way, Stephanie wants you
to come down to Totleigh for a few days.
Some hope.
- Afternoon, Rogers.
- Good afternoon, sir.
Usual, please, George.
- Ah, Bertie. Thought l'd find you here.
- Mind the...
What brings you to the metrop, Stinker?
A Harlequins committee meeting.
- A what committee meeting?
- Harlequins. The rugby club.
Oh. Good.
- How's Stephanie?
- Oh, l don't know, Bertie.
l've still not got enough money
for us to marry.
Hasn't Pop Bassett
given you that vicarage yet?
No. l think he was about ready
to close the deal last week,
but l bumped into a vase of his
and broke it.
He said he couldn't trust me
with a delicate thing like Stiffy.
Stiffy wants me to come down
to Totleigh, doesn't she?
lt works!
- Even at this distance.
- Works? What works?
How did you know
Stiffy wants you to come down?
l just met Gussie in the vestibule.
Oh.
Oh, l see. To tell you the truth, Bertie...
there's odd things going on at Totleigh,
supernatural things.
Anyway, there's something
Stiffy wants you to do for her.
You're not yourself, Stinker,
or you wouldn't be gibbering like this.
l'd run a mile in tight shoes for Stiffy,
but she lacks that balanced judgement
one likes to see in girls.
Now, what does
she have in mind for me?
She'd rather keep it under her hat
until she saw you.
- She won't see me.
- She'll be terribly disappointed.
You'll administer spiritual solace.
Goodbye, Stinker.
Good afternoon...sir.
Your master is
an extremely worried man, Jeeves.
Sir?
Oh, stop playing with the hat, Jeeves.
l knew you wouldn't like it.
Not at all, sir. Oh, good heavens,
it has its name printed on the inside.
How convenient. ''The Alpine.''
Did you purchase
the article in a shop, sir?
Of course l bought it in a shop, Jeeves.
Department store.
l see, sir.
One reads about such places, of course.
l was wondering whether
they also stocked the leather trousering
which would set it off to full effect.
Put the hat away, Jeeves.
l have just seen Gussie Fink-Nottle.
l mentioned Miss Bassett's name.
- Follow me closely, Jeeves.
- Very good, sir.
He said, ''Don't take to me about
Madeline, Madeline makes me sick.''
- These are not the words of love.
- No, sir.
These are the words of a man cheesed
to the back teeth with the adored object.
l didn't get the details, but if Gussie,
as pronounced a fathead
as ever broke biscuit,
gives Madeline the heave-ho,
then l'm the next in line.
Steps must be taken, Jeeves.
- lt would seem advisable, sir.
- But what steps?
- Perhaps a trip to Totleigh Towers, sir.
- But there's another snag.
Stiffy Byng has something
she wants me to do.
You know the sort of thing
Stiffy wants people to do.
- Recall the episode with Oates' helmet?
- With vividity, sir.
Would it not be possible for you
to go to Totleigh Towers,
but decline
to carry out Miss Byng's wishes?
lssue a nolle prosequi?
- Tell her to go and boil her head?
- Precisely, sir.
You do recall Miss Byng,
do you, Jeeves?
Still it's the best we can do.
Get a telegram off to Miss Bassett.
Dark forces are drawing us
towards Totleigh, Jeeves.
Still, Friday ought to be soon enough.
Tomorrow might be more prudent, sir.
- Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- Good afternoon.
Good afternoon, sir.
Mr Wooster.
- Bertie!
- What ho, Madeline.
- You should not have come here.
- Ah, well...
l had not the heart
to deny your pathetic request.
l know how much you yearn
to see me again, however hopelessly.
But is it wise?
l love Augustus.
Oh, well, that's absolutely...
lt makes me sad
to think of your hopeless love, Bertie.
Like the moth and the star.
But what can l do?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
You carry on regardless.
But it breaks my heart.
(Sobs)
- (Bertie) Now, look here, Madeline.
- Madeline, what's the matter?
lt's nothing, Roderick. Nothing.
(Sobs)
Cucumber sandwich?
You've made her cry,
you heartless swine!
Now, now. Now, look here, Spode.
You have come here to try and sow
doubts in her mind
about the one she loves.
- No, no, no..
- You hope to win her from Fink-Nottle.
Let me tell you, Wooster,
l have loved that girl for years,
but never by word or look
have l so much as hinted at it.
l shall be watching you, Wooster,
watching you closely.
Be very, very careful!
Careful, yes.
Ah. Bertie.
The very person l want to see.
l've got a little job for you.
Stiffy, how nice to see you looking
so well. You are well, l trust?
- And l'm not doing any little job.
- Bertie, don't be such a stick.
lt will only take you five minutes.
Hey, you!
- Don't wander all over the house.
- Well, l...
Wait a minute. l know you.
You're that fellow Wooster.
Madeline asked Bertie down,
Uncle Watkyn.
- Madeline did? How long for?
- Ah, well. A week was mentioned.
No. Good God.
Well...
Welcome to Totleigh.
l must have a talk with Madeline.
Well, Jeeves, Totleigh is still the hellhole
we know and love.
- lndeed, sir.
- But, Jeeves,
and it's a but the size of Hyde Park,
Miss Bassett and Gussie
are sweethearts still.
l fear you may be too sanguine, sir.
Miss Bassett's sentiments
may be such as you have described,
but on Mr Fink-Nottle's side
there exists no little dissatisfaction.
You mean she's a sweetheart still,
but he isn't?
Precisely, sir. l encountered
Mr Fink-Nottle in the stable yard
when l was putting away the car.
His story has occasioned me
grave unease.
Jeeves, l have the unpleasant feeling
that centipedes are sauntering up and
down my spinal column
waving to their friends.
What's happened?
Miss Bassett has insisted Mr Fink-Nottle
adopt a vegetarian diet, sir.
Do you mean spinach
and similar garbage?
So l gather, sir.
No wonder Gussie said Madeline
made him feel sick.
Blast all vegetables, say l.
The cook expressed herself
in similar vein
when Mr Fink-Nottle
explained his predicament to her.
lt melted her heart in sympathy
for his distress.
l'm not in the mood to hear about
cook's hearts. Melted or otherwise.
Nevertheless, sir,
she did instruct Mr Fink-Nottle
that if he would visit the kitchen
during the hours of darkness
when the house had retired for the night,
she would happily supply him
with cold steak and kidney pie.
Well, Jeeves, this is wonderful.
Cold steak and kidney pie
is merely a palliative, sir.
On the contrary, it's Gussie's favourite
dish. He does 90 miles to the slice.
- Oh. Oh, it's you, Bertie.
- Yes, Gussie.
The very same. Accept no substitutes.
What are you doing?
l was hoping there might be some nuts
with the cocktails, but no.
Do you know what it's like
to be perpetually hungry, Bertie?
- Courage. Think of the old S and K.
- S and K?
- Steak and kidney.
- Sh!
Cook sounds like an angel
in human form.
- She is, as you know.
No, l don't know.
Haven't had the pleasure.
Of course you have. lt's Emerald Stoker.
Emerald Stoker is the cook?
lt appears she's dependent on a monthly
allowance from her father in New York.
But earlier this month, he put
everything on Sonny Jim at Kempton.
Sad, sad.
Well, she could have touched me.
My dear Bertie,
a girl like that doesn't borrow money.
Much too proud.
(Stiffy) Harold is in charge
of the school treat.
Well done, Stinker.
Uncle Watkyn is going to give him a
vicarage and we'll be able to get married.
We'll see, my dear. We'll see.
Sir Watkyn's allowing us
to exhibit his silver.
We're putting up a special tent for it.
Gussie could bring some newts.
What?
To the school treat.
lt would be interesting to look at newts.
l'm not going to have my newts
stared at by all and sundry.
Also, l don't see why you're allowed
to eat roast beef
when you're meant to be a vegetarian.
Oh, Gussie, how could you? How cruel.
- You devil in human form, Fink-Nottle!
- Well, l don't see...
You know Madeline has to eat meat
for medical reasons. She's delicate.
l hate every mouthful,
it's torture.
- Well, it doesn't look like torture to me.
- Oh, Gussie!
(Sobs)
l'll talk to you later, Fink-Nottle.
Ha.
- That's new, isn't it, Sir Watkyn?
- What?
That thing in the middle of the table.
Little bijou.
Uncle Watkyn bought it
from a man named Plank,
who lives over in Hockley-cum-Meston.
lt's worth ?1 ,000.
But it's evil, it should never have been
allowed into the house.
Rot, Stephanie. lt's a perfectly ordinary
African tribal totem.
Oh. Well, golly.
- Soapstone, is it?
- Amber. Black amber.
lt's got a curse on it.
lt's been nothing but bad luck.
(Owl hoots)
Bertie.
What ho, Stiffy.
Come in here.
That black statue thing
on the table at dinner.
Why do you think Major Plank
let Uncle Watty have it for ?5?
?5? l thought you said it was ?1 ,000.
l said it was worth that.
When your uncle, Tom Travers,
was over here,
Uncle Watty told him that he'd spotted it
on this fellow Plank's mantelpiece,
and had told Plank
that it was worth practically nothing,
but that he'd give him a fiver for it.
He gloated over how clever he'd been.
- Little did he know...
- What do you mean, little did he know?
lt has got a curse on it.
Pfff! Oh, what rot!
Since it arrived here,
there's been nothing but accidents.
Didn't you feel the evil power
emanating from it?
- No.
- lt's changing Uncle Watkyn too.
He's getting nasty and short-tempered.
Well, now wait a minute.
Stiffy, l hate to break this to you,
but your uncle has always been nasty.
The midwife who delivered him
remarked on it.
No, it's different now.
lt's the power of that terrible thing.
That's why he won't give Harold a
vicarage so we can get married.
- And that's why you're going to steal it.
- Oh, no, Stiffy. l told you, no little jobs.
Then you take it back to Plank
and get him to give you ?5 for it.
- Why can't you just throw it away?
- You can't do that.
lf you did that,
you'd bring the curse down on yourself.
No, it has to go back
to the last person in the chain.
And if money changed hands, then the
same amount must change hands again.
No, Stiffy. l'm sorry, but l have never
in my life heard such an earful of gabber.
No, no, no, no, no.
And no. l'm sorry, but l'm issuing
a nolle prosequi on this one.
A most extraordinary thing
happened last night, Bertie.
- l wasn't here.
- No.
At about two o'clock,
l woke up
and heard someone creeping about.
Well, you know how those stairs creak.
Anyway, l got up and saw
Gussie sneaking down to the kitchen.
The door was open a crack and l peered
in,
and there was the cook shovelling
cold steak-and-kidney pie into Gussie
like a stevedore loading a grain ship.
- Really? Well, yes, very interesting.
- lsn't it?
The thought flashed into my mind
there and then,
if Madeline got to hear about this,
poor old Gussie would be given
the bum's rush
before he knew what had hit him.
Well, yes. lf.
And you know who'd be next in line.
You wouldn't tell her?
You know how indiscreet l am, Bertie.
Oh, Stiffy, this is blackmail. Why can't
you pinch the blasted statue yourself?
Suppose l got caught.
Tonight. Eh, Bertie?
Oh, Stiffy.
Mmm. Mm.
Mmm.
Feel better?
Emerald.
l know l heard something.
Wooster!
Oh, hello.
Thought l'd, er... come down for a book.
One would have thought
it would have been within the scope
of even your limited abilities
to press a light switch.
You never think of that, though, do you?
What are you holding behind your back,
Wooster?
Back?
Back. Yes. You've heard
the word before, l presume?
Back. Rather. Yes.
There's back, front, side.
Other side.
So what is it you have there?
Let me see your hands, Wooster.
This instant!
Shoot him, Watkyn.
Don't show him any mercy.
Hands, Wooster.
Oh, hands. Right.
Oh.
Tinkety-tonk.
(Sighs) l don't know what
l'd do without you, Jeeves.
Ha! Ah, there you are.
Hope l haven't kept you waiting.
Having rugger practice.
Come in, my dear fellow, come in.
Make yourself comfortable, my
dear fellow. l'll just get these boots off.
See me in the centre there,
holding the ball?
My last year at school.
- l skippered the side that season.
- Oh, really?
- You fond of rugger?
- l've never gone in for it, no.
Good God. Mind you, l didn't get much
of it after leaving school.
They stationed me in West Africa.
Really?
Tried to teach the natives the game,
but had to give it up. Too many deaths.
- Yes. Got a bit tricky for a while.
- Deaths?
Well, hard ground, you see, and the heat.
Still, retired now, and l'm going
to make Hockley-cum-Meston
the best rugger village
in Gloucestershire.
But what we need, though,
is a good prop forward.
And l'll be damned if l can find one.
Still, you don't want to hear all this.
You want to hear about
my Brazilian expedition.
- Oh, you've been to Brazil.
- Didn't you know l'd been to Brazil?
Nobody tells me anything.
You are the chap
from the Daily Express?
- No.
- Oh. Oh, good Lord.
l thought you must be the chap
who wanted to talk to me
about my Brazilian explorations.
Oh, you're an explorer.
Does the name Herbert Plank
mean nothing to you?
- ls your name Plank?
- Of course it is.
What a coincidence. l've been looking
for a character called Plank.
l have here a sort of a...
Sort of a whatnot.
Where did you get that?
- lf you just give me ?5 for it.
- You've stolen that.
l've got your number now.
You won't get any ?5 from me, my man!
- l'm going to call the police.
- That won't be necessary, sir.
- Who the devil are you?
- Chief lnspector Witherspoon, sir.
Scotland Yard.
Has this man been attempting
to obtain monies from you, sir?
Yes.
Can't say l'm surprised. We've had our
eye on this one for a long time now.
l suspected from the first.
Nasty hangdog look he's got.
See that statuette he's holding?
l sold that to Sir Watkyn Bassett
for ?1 ,000.
And he has the cool cheek
to try and sell it to me for ?5.
He's stolen it, of course.
(Tuts) Did he indeed, sir?
l shall impound the object.
We'll need that as evidence.
Come along, Joe, the game is up.
Thank you for your help, Major Plank.
Alpine Joe, we call him, sir,
on account of his peculiar headgear.
- He's got it on now.
- He never moves without it.
You'd think he'd have the sense
to adopt a disguise.
But then, the likes of you and l will never
understand the criminal mind. Come on.
What on earth is going on, Jeeves?
The truth about the statuette transaction
came to light, sir.
What truth? Which transaction?
There is no foundation for the story
that Sir Watkyn told Mr Travers, sir.
ln actual fact, he did pay Major Plank
?1 ,000 for the object.
Why on earth did he tell Uncle Tom
he only paid a fiver?
He acted from a desire
to exasperate Mr Travers.
Mr Travers is a collector,
and collectors are never pleased
when they learn that a rival has acquired
an objet d'art of great value
at a nugatory price.
lf you could let me off here, sir.
Why do you want to get out here?
Sir Watkyn has now discovered
the absence of the statuette, sir,
Constable Oates and the Earl of Sidcup
are conducting the investigation.
Oh, my lord, Jeeves,
two minds with not a single thought.
lndeed, sir. l think it wise
if l alight here with the statuette
and smuggle it into the dining room.
No, l won't!
Put your hands up. l'm going to search
you, Fink-Nottle, if it's the last thing l do.
You are not!
l'm going to talk to our host about this.
Come back here!
No.
All right, Mr Wooster, sir. You stay right
where you are, sir, while l search you.
No, you blasted well don't.
ls he giving you trouble, Oates?
Don't you worry yourself,
Lord Sidcup, sir.
l has my own ways
of dealing with desperadoes.
Tell me what it is you're looking for.
Sir Watkyn's priceless African totem
has disappeared.
Oh, rot.
- Now, Wooster, what do you see?
- What do you mean, what do l see?
Don't porter with me, Wooster.
- l beg your pardon...
- l'm interrogating a criminal.
- Yes, lordship...
- Quiet!
What your friend is trying to tell you
is there is a singularly unattractive
black statuette on the table.
What?
ls that what you're looking for?
You wily devil, Wooster.
Oh, pish.
What's the meaning of this, Oates?
- l was trying to tell you.
- Don't bandy words with me. Dolt.
Ow!
Lord Sidcup, sir.
l'm furious with Augustus.
- Oh, surely not.
- He was so rude about Roderick.
Never.
He said to Daddy
that he was sick and tired
of seeing Roderick clumping
about the place as if it belonged to him,
and if Daddy had more sense than
a billiard ball, he would charge him rent.
- He was most offensive.
- Well, he said it with a light laugh.
No.
You didn't notice it?
Easy to miss light laughs.
He was harsh and bitter.
He's been like this for a long time.
Are you sure, Madeline, that you're wise
in confining Gussie
to carrots and the like?
He simply needs a mutton chop or two
under his belt.
He's not going to have them.
lf he ever eats
the flesh of animals slain in anger,
l will have nothing more to do with him.
- And then she just biffed off.
- Most disturbing, sir.
There we have it. On the one hand,
Madeline's strong anti-flesh bias,
and on the other, Gussie's determination
to get all the cuts off the joint
that are coming to him.
What, l ask myself, will the harvest be?
Perhaps you could persuade
Mr Fink-Nottle
to apologise to Sir Watkyn
and Lord Sidcup.
This might ameliorate the tension
between himself and Miss Bassett.
l can try. But you know what Mr
Fink-Nottle is like
once he gets the bit
between his teeth.
(Knock on door)
lt's back.
l know it's back. l brought it back.
Oh, Bertie, you are a complete fool.
Well, l like that.
lt was you who got the story all wrong.
Are you going to pick on
every little thing l do?
Well, you'll just have to get it back
to Major Plank again.
How can l? He thinks l'm Alpine Joe.
Who?
And unless he gives me ?1 ,000,
the curse will fall on me.
- Get him to give you the ?1 ,000, then.
- (Clears throat)
You'll pardon me for interrupting,
Miss Byng,
but there may be another way out of this.
The object is a totem
for the Umgali people.
ls it?
The Umgali believe that the tribal chief
can short-cut the rather laborious
procedure for the return of a totem,
by personally laying claim to it
using a particular form of words.
A spell, you mean?
l should not like to go so far
as to say that, miss,
but l have been in communication
with the Zynegean High Commission,
and it so happens that
the chief of the Umgali is in London.
Jeeves, that's wonderful.
The High Commission is of the opinion
that the chief will be interested in
recovering the object.
And you think
my uncle is just going to hand it over?
l understand that the chief of the Umgali
has certain powers, miss,
which might make his demands
irresistible.
Well, l wish him luck with Uncle Watkyn.
But if we don't stop that thing
from influencing him,
by making him refuse
to give Harold a vicarage,
we know what will happen, don't we,
Bertie?
- Oh, now, look, Stiffy.
- A little bird will chirrup in Madeline's ear
about Gussie getting
illicit steak and kidney.
Then Madeline will be looking for a new
victim to inflict the turnip torture on.
Women always put a damper on things,
don't they, Jeeves?
They're brought up to believe it is their
duty to restrain male optimism, sir.
And indeed in this case
there may be cause for restraint.
The High Commission informs me
that the chief will probably be loath
to miss
tomorrow's programme of racing
at Ascot.
Good lord, Jeeves,
what do we do if he doesn't turn up?
l can only suggest
that somebody impersonates him, sir.
Oh, no.
No, no, no. Absolutely not.
Under no circumstances.
And unless l actually was the chief,
the curse would just be on me again.
But you surely don't
believe in the curse, sir?
Oh, no, that's right. l don't, do l?
So long as your performance provokes
Sir Watkyn into giving you the statuette...
lt isn't going to convince anyone,
Jeeves, because it isn't going to happen.
l'd better go and persuade Gussie
to apologise to Spode and Sir Watkyn.
- Do you know what l feel like, Jeeves?
- No, sir.
l feel like that little Dutch boy
with all his fingers and toes
in various holes in the dyke.
- (Knock on door)
- Come in.
- Ah. What ho, Gussie.
- Oh, hello, Bertie.
Do you know that Spode creature
tried to search me?
Well, yes, actually. That's...
- What are you doing?
- l'm putting on my galoshes.
- What for?
- l'm going for a walk with Emerald.
Or perhaps a row on the river.
You can't go for a walk with Emerald.
- You can't row, anyway.
- No, but Emerald can.
She's wonderful, Bertie.
No, no, no, no, no. No, Gussie.
l mean, a pleasant enough girl,
l suppose.
She says l can hold the rope things
and steer.
She says if you pull it this way,
it goes in this direction.
But if you pull it that way,
it goes in that direction.
She knows so many things, Bertie.
(Chuckles)
(Telephone)
There's a Major Plank on the telephone,
sir.
- Are you there?
- Thought l'd give you a ring, Sir Watkyn,
after all the excitement.
What about Alpine Joe, eh?
What? Who? Alpine Joe?
Who in God's name is Alpine Joe?
Detective lnspector Witherspoon?
Are you feeling all right, Plank?
Tonight? No, no, no.
l'm just going to have my tea.
Come over to Totleigh tomorrow
morning. We can talk about it then.
What? No.
No, l've never heard of Alpine Joe.
Nor the other one.
(# Fairground music)
l don't want to go to this dratted school
treat, Jeeves.
l fear it might be wise to vacate the
house, sir, if Major Plank is expected.
What's in the bag?
Your African costume, sir,
should it be necessary.
- Oh, Jeeves, can't you do it?
- No, l'm sorry, sir.
What if l was to say
the word Cuba, Jeeves?
Not even then, sir.
Five throws for a penny.
Hoopla. Five throws a penny.
Win any prize you ring. Now, madam,
can l interest you, perhaps?
Five throws a penny.
Any prize you ring
from a selection of magnificent prizes.
(Spode) Three balls for a penny.
Win a prize coconut.
No! Not like that, you namby-pamby.
Here, Gussie. Get me some more
water from the pump, will you?
- l don't want to leave you.
- Oh, Gussie.
l could stay there watching you pour tea
for the rest of my life.
- Oh, Gussie.
- Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh.
Fink-Nottle!
Come back here, you bounder.
Fink-Nottle.
- What on earth is the matter, Spode?
- Fink-Nottle's a libertine.
- A libertine? Gussie?
- l've just seen him kissing the cook.
- What?
- And now l'm going to break his neck.
Spode...
Sir Watkyn, which is the Benin bronze
head and which is the Makonde mask?
The Benin bronze is the one at the back.
lsn't Harold being helpful,
Uncle Watkyn?
Yes, yes, yes. Doing very well.
You are going to let him have a vicarage,
aren't you?
So that we can get married.
Oh, l suppose you know
what you're doing. Very well.
Oh, Uncle Watty.
(Screaming)
(Boy) Gotcha.
Gussie, isn't it wonderful?
Uncle Watty's given Harold a vicarage.
- Oh.
- What are you doing here?
Roderick Spode's looking for you
because he wants to tear you
limb from limb for kissing the cook.
Did you kiss the cook, Gussie?
Yes, he did kiss the blasted cook.
Spode's looking for me?
He says he's going to tear your legs off.
- Agh!
- Oh, dear.
- Ah.
- Uh?
l'm now going to break your neck,
Fink-Nottle.
- No.
- Yes.
Harold. Well, one of you, do something.
l'm a coward.
Well done, Harold.
Would it be wise to remove yourself,
do you think, Gussie,
before Spode comes to?
(Gussie gasps)
(Jeeves) Five throws a penny.
Win any prize you ring.
Now Spode's seen him kissing Emerald,
he'll break Gussie's neck.
- Come along, ladies and gentlemen.
- Stinker socked Spode on the jaw.
Can you stop doing that, Jeeves?
We mustn't neglect
the passing trade, sir.
Nor would it be advisable
to neglect the statuette.
- lt seems to be now or never, sir.
- You mean...
Particularly with
Major Plank approaching us.
What?
Oh, my God.
lnspector Witherspoon.
What on earth are you doing here?
l'm working undercover as we say, sir.
Call me Jeeves.
Jeeves. Oh, right.
- Ah, Major Plank. Good of you to come.
- Afternoon, Sir Watkyn.
Seen my little exhibition yet?
- Exhibition? No.
- Come and have a look.
That totem l bought off you
has pride of place, of course.
Gussie, there you are.
The urn's nearly empty.
What have you been doing
with yourself? There's nothing in here!
Spode shook me, Em.
That gorilla.
Oh, you poor lamb.
Fink-Nottle.
Huh?
(Growls)
- l say.
- Leave Gussie alone.
Oh, no, my dear.
Oh, no.
Oh, Emerald.
Oh, Lord!
Augustus,
we've been looking everywhere for you.
Gussie, you brute.
Not at all. He was warned.
He saw me remove my glasses.
When l remove my glasses,
those who know what's good for them
head for the hills.
l hate you. l hate you.
You hate me, do you?
l do. l loathe you.
ln that case, l shall now eat...
a ham sandwich.
Oh! Flesh.
Good afternoon.
Come along, Emerald.
l told Harold about the vicarage,
Uncle Watkyn.
- Oh, hello, Major Plank.
- My dear.
What vicarage is that, Stephanie?
The vicarage that you're giving him.
You appear to be under a
misapprehension.
- But you said just now...
- l was not aware when l spoke as l did,
that Mr Pinker was planning a brutal
assault upon the Earl of Sidcup.
Oh.
This is a George ll brandy pan
l picked up in Bournemouth.
- l like the gadroons around the um...
- Dragoons, yes.
Here we are, your excellency.
Bertie.
Bertie! Bertie.
Bertie.
Stop!
Who the devil are you?
Ah, me, Chief Umdingo.
And me come from
far across great water.
What?
Chief Umdingo come claim tribe's, er...
Erm... thing.
He travel many days
on much big iron boat.
- Much big iron boat?
- Much, much, much big iron boat.
You steal tribe's thing.
Umdingo come and take him back.
l've never heard so much tingle-tangle
in all of my life.
Umdingo. Him not speak tingle-tangle.
Umdingo say, er... him thing.
Much magic, my tribe.
Would you mind repeating that?
No, not at all.
Him thing, much magic, my tribe.
- Where are you from?
- What?
What tribe do you belong to?
Um... Well, er...
(Speaks in African dialect)
What's going on?
- l'm looking for Sir Watkyn Bassett.
- That's me.
Oh. Sir Watkyn. How do you do?
My name's Toto.
- Chief Toto, for my sins.
- Yes?
Look here,
this is really very embarrassing for me,
but it's about that doodad
you have there.
What about it?
The truth of the matter is it should never
have left the tribe. l'm here to get it back.
Wait a minute.
lf you're the chief of the tribe...
- Mm-hm.
- ..who the Socrates is this?
(Nervous laugh)
(Toto) l haven't the foggiest.
l must consult with, er... elders of tribe.
(Gasps)
Do you know who that was?
Alpine Joe!
- lt's Woody Plank, isn't it?
- Yes.
Toto! How the devil are you?
lt's been a few years.
Are you still on your quest
for the perfect prop forward?
- Oh, yes.
- Can we get back to the matter in hand?
l'm sorry,
but l bought that totem fair and square.
Yes, of course. But you see,
it's one of these blasted tribal things.
One doesn't want to appear crass
or anything, but one did wonder if, um...
(Clears throat)
..this might be some recompense.
(Gasps)
lnto the car! Quick!
Emerald! Gussie!
Gussie. You can't leave me
at the mercy of Madeline.
Oh, yes, he can.
We're going to get married.
Bye, Bertie.
l'm sorry, Stiffy.
l didn't want to hit Spode.
Good lord. lsn't that Stinker Pinker?
- Pinker?
- We were at Harrow together. HP Pinker.
HP Pinker?
Not the HP Pinker?
Mm-hm.
- Perhaps Sir Watkyn will feel differently.
- Stinker.
Good Lord!
Buffy Toto.
You're HP Pinker, aren't you?
Prop forward for Oxford and England
a few years back?
Yes.
What an honour. Look here,
l'm desperate for a prop forward
for the Hockley-cum-Meston side.
Oh, l don't think...
l may be talking out of turn here,
but we need a new vicar as well.
You wouldn't be interested in a vicarage,
would you?
We most certainly would.
Oh. l say.
Bertie. Bertie!
Daddy, have you seen Bertie Wooster
anywhere?
Yes. He's somewhere about. Dressed up
in some ludicrous costume. Why?
l'm going to marry him.
Madeline says
she's going to marry that idiot Wooster.
What? Ah.
But she can't! Well,
he's worse than that fish-faced blighter.
l know. Far worse.
Oh. l must talk to her. Madeline!
Madeline! Madeline.
Madeline.
Madeline.
Madeline.
ls this true?
You're going to marry Wooster?
Yes, Roderick, it is true.
But you can't love a half-witted,
half-baked idiot like Wooster.
He loves me, Roderick.
You must have seen that dumb
worshipping look in his eyes
as he gazes at me.
You can't marry Wooster, Madeline.
You can't. You can't!
- Your Highness. Major Plank.
- Thank you.
Still working undercover, Jeeves?
Sir Watkyn.
Sir.
Can't you do anything, Jeeves?
l'm sunk, scuppered,
Madeline Bassetted at last.
- l'm sorry, sir.
- Jeeves, Cuba.
- The tarpon leaping.
- Such a trip might be feasible, sir?
Yes, Jeeves, yes.
Two weeks in sunny Havana.
Your predicament does present
almost insuperable obstacles, of course.
All right, three weeks.
Perhaps l might be able
to manage something, sir.
A month, Jeeves. Four whole weeks.
And l'll throw in the alpine hat.
Leave it to me, sir.
(Groans)
Excuse me, Lord Sidcup.
The guests are all assembled.
- Everyone's there, are they?
- Yes, sir.
Perhaps you have hidden depths,
Wooster, is that it?
l don't think so.
No one's ever mentioned it, anyway.
Oh, my God.
Ladies and gentlemen,
l have an announcement to make.
Little Madeline has consented
to be the next Countess of Sidcup.
What?
She's done me the honour
of accepting my proposal of marriage.
(Laughs)
(Applause)
Well, Jeeves, l take my hat off to you.
l don't know how you arranged it.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
you can't have...
Jeeves. Did you know about this?
Another glass of champagne, sir?
l'm so happy, l could sing.
Well, you've come to the right shop.
# Oh, by gee, by gosh, by gum, by Jove
# Oh, by Jove, oh, by Jove, oh, by Jove
# Oh by jingo, won't you hear our love
# Will you, can you raise your voice
# Louder!
# We will build for you a hut
# Yes!
# You will be our favourite nut
# Correct!
# We'll have a lot of little Oh By Joveses
# Dress them up in clogs and clotheses
# Oh, by gee, by gosh, by gum, by Jove
# Oh, by Jove, oh, by Jove, oh, by Jove
# Oh, by jingo, won't you hear our love
# Will you, can you raise your voice
# Louder!
# We will build for you a hut
# Yes!
# You will be our favourite nut
# Correct!
# We'll have a lot of little Oh By Joveses
# Dress them up in clogs and clotheses
# Oh, by jingo, by gosh, by gee
# A, B, C, D, E, stop
# Oh, by Jiminy, please don't bother me
# Bother her, bother her
# So they all went away saying
# Oh, by gee, by gosh, by gum,
by Oh My Jingo
# By gee, you're the only one for me
# Bring me lobster on a clean plate #