Jeeves and Wooster (1990–1993): Season 4, Episode 1 - Return to New York - full transcript
Bertie is back in New York and enamoured of portrait painter Gwladys Pendlebury but Aunt Agatha is not enamoured of the painting of her Bertie commissioned and she is even more annoyed when her wayward twin sons, charged to Bertie's care before being shipped off for colonial posts, give him the slip to pursue a cabaret singer. Tuppy Glossop arrives to sell his family recipe for cock-a-leekie to soup magnate Slingsby to finance his nuptials to Elizabeth but slimy ad man Lucius Pim steals Gwladys from Bertie and makes Aunt Agatha the unwitting face of Slingsby's soups on every billboard in New York.
(Car horn)
- ls that it?
- Help me get this out, Bertie.
(Bell)
That you back there, Mr Wooster?
Yes, yes, it's me, Mr Coneybear.
(Bell)
Come on, Bertie.
l've got to get home and change.
Good evening, Miss Pendlebury.
l'm just making sure
my painting gets here safely.
Bertie, just put it down over there.
- Over?
- Lean it against the desk.
Carefully now! Not too near the fire.
l'll varnish it tomorrow.
- A small whisky's in order, Jeeves.
- Very good, sir.
You haven't got time.
We've got to be at the party in an hour.
l'll meet you at Gilhooley & Pim's.
You know the address? Good!
- Bye, Jeeves.
- Good evening, Miss Pendlebury.
What a wonderful girl
that Gwladys Pendlebury is.
She seems a vigorous lady, sir.
And something of a hot tip in the art
world too, l'm told.
- l'd like your opinion on the work.
- Very good, sir.
You may ask, Jeeves,
why l should spend money
commissioning a portrait of Aunt Agatha,
scourge of the Woosters.
lt did occur to me, sir, to wonder.
This comparatively small investment
may allow young Bertram
to live out his remaining years in peace.
Struck all of a heap
by her nephew's homage,
said scourge will give her blessing
to his marriage to the talented artist.
To wit, Gwladys Pendlebury.
lf you say so, sir.
Jeeves, you don't like this spot of art?
ln my untutored opinion, sir,
she has given Mrs Gregson
somewhat too hungry an expression.
A little like a dog
regarding a distant bone.
There is no resemblance
to a dog regarding a distant bone.
The look to which you refer
is one of wisdom and tolerance.
l asked Miss Pendlebury
to include that look, at no extra charge,
even though no such expression was
apparent in the photograph she used.
l see, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
We hope you're all having as much
fun as we of Gilhooley & Pim are.
My name is Lucius Pim.
And just as our agency is proud
to be advertising Slingsby's
new range of Superb Soups,
l'm proud to introduce you
to Mr Alexander Slingsby.
(Applause)
We will not fail the American people.
Come rain, shine or snow,
through good times or bad,
we will continue to provide
Slingsby's Superb Soups
to the tables
of this great country of ours.
# Soups do something to me
# Something that really mystifies me
# Slingsby's, how can it be
# You have the taste to tantalise me?
# l just live for your broth
# Life's not the same
since Slingsby's came
# You're a flame and l'm the moth
# Cos Slingsby's
do something to soup
# That nobody else can do #
- lsn't it great?
- Well...
- l love advertising, don't you?
- Well...
Oh, look, here comes Lucius now.
- You were wonderful!
- Well, thanks.
- Bertie, meet Lucius Pim.
- What ho, Lucius.
- You in soup?
- Well, not yet.
Well, excuse me.
Bertie!
Tuppy! l thought
you were back in England.
No. No, l'm here.
l'm trying to meet Alexander Slingsby.
What for?
l can't tell you, Bertie. l'm sorry.
lt's a secret.
What's the best soup in the world?
l like that one they do at the Drones
the day after shepherd's pie. They...
No, no, no.
lt's a soup called Cock-a-Leekie.
My old nanny used to make it.
There are millions in this.
l'll sell Slingsby the secret recipe,
on a royalty basis, you understand.
For every tin they sell,
l'll collect a ha'penny.
And what does Slingsby say?
l haven't been able to meet him yet.
He won't reply to my letters.
That's why l've had to come here, to...
Anyway, it can't fail, Bertie.
l just have to catch a whiff
of that soup and l'm...
Oh...
Transported back to my childhood.
But does the populus at large want to be
transported back to your childhood?
What do you mean?
- l say! There's Elizabeth over there.
- Who's Elizabeth?
Elizabeth Vickers is the woman
l intend to marry.
Marry? Well, congratulations!
She doesn't know about it yet.
l'm going to ask her tonight. Come on!
My husband will be so interested.
Alexander lives and breathes soup.
Elizabeth,
l'd like you to meet an old friend.
Hildebrand, this is Mrs Slingsby.
Of Slingsby's Superb Soups?
Oh, how do you..
Aah!
l'm most awfully sorry. l...
- Oh, it's all right!
- You're so clumsy, Hildebrand!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Are you all right, Tallulah?
- Well, l was just...
- Mr Slingsby, l don't know...
- You keep out of it!
- Yes, quite.
Leave Mrs Slingsby alone, Wooster!
- Well, of all the...
- Cut along.
You've done enough damage
for one night.
What my idea is is this, Mr Slingsby.
l have this humdinger of a soup...
l'm not at all easy in my mind about a
cove by the name of Lucius Pim, Jeeves.
Apart from being
something called an advertising agent,
and in a position to do Gwladys
good professionally, his hair waves.
One must never discount wavy hair.
l shall endeavour to remember that.
Will that be all, sir?
Yes, Jeeves, that'll be all. Good night.
Good night, sir.
lt's strangely satisfying
watching you varnish Aunt Agatha.
My aunt is something of a byword
in art circs, isn't that so, Jeeves?
- lndeed so, sir.
- ln what way?
Know the Gregson-Prysock gallery?
- Of course.
- My Aunt Agatha is the Gregson bit.
Her name being Gregson,
it was to be expected.
- This is Agatha Gregson?
- Yes.
- Coffee, miss?
- Thank you, Jeeves.
Why didn't you say? lf she likes
my portrait, it could do me a lot of good.
Of course she'll like it.
Won't she, Jeeves?
l'm sure Mrs Gregson will lose no time
in expressing her opinion, miss.
- (Doorbell)
- Yes, we must get her to see it soon.
Aunt Agatha's in England at the moment
but we'll take it over with us next month.
- Mrs Gregson to see you, sir.
- Ah. Aah!
- Bertie.
- Aunt Agatha!
- What are you doing in America?
- Sit!
As you can see, Bertie, your cousins
have at last been apprehended.
- Apprehended?
- Kindly do not interrupt me, Bertie.
They sail for South Africa tomorrow
on the Pride Of Natal. l...
Good heaven!
- ls that supposed to be me?
- As a matter of fact...
- What an extraordinary daub!
- Look here!
Who, pray, are you?
- l'm glad you asked.
- Don't you talk to me like that!
You are not the dealer
who's trying to pass this discoloured
canvas off on my nephew?
Oh!
Gwladys! Gwladys!
Wait! Wait!
Never speak to me again, Bertie Wooster!
Gwladys!
One comes to recognise
these shady art dealers, you know.
That was Gwladys Pendlebury.
She painted the picture.
Oh, poor girl.
You should have told me, Bertie.
Had l known she was responsible,
l would have been
more forthright in my criticism.
You could hardly have been more
forthright without physical violence.
lt is as well for a girl to be aware
of her shortcomings early on in life.
To get back to Claude and Eustace,
they leave tomorrow.
- But aren't they at Oxford?
- They were expelled.
- We behaved badly. We realise that.
- Very badly.
Be still. Their father is determined that
they shall start life anew in the Colonies.
- Their father's dead.
- lt is but a veil, Bertie.
The veil can be pierced.
Until they sail, they're in your charge.
- Mine?
- You will put them up here tonight
and see they're ready to board
the Pride Of Natal tomorrow morning.
Jolly decent of you to put us up.
Not at all. l only wish
you were staying a good long time.
Hear that, Eustace?
He wishes it was for a good long time.
What do you propose to do, Bertie,
in the way of entertaining
your handsome guests tonight?
Erm... Well... l suppose we could
have a bit of dinner in the flat.
- And afterwards?
- Afterwards?
l... We might chat of this and that.
lt struck me that you'd probably want
to turn in early
as your boat sails first thing
in the morning.
(Both laugh)
# Time without end
# l wait for you
# On this date for you
# Time without end
# Calendars don't matter
# Clocks can lose their chime
# My diary says an empty stock's
not worth a dime
# l'll love you and l'll need you
till the end of time
# But when will the pendulum swing?
# Time without end
# Without a friend, without, l spend
# Time without end
# With you #
No! No! No more champagne!
No, l want to go home!
- Good afternoon, sir.
- Oh! Oh...
Jeeves.
Jeeves, l'm getting too old for all this.
l feel like something that's been rejected
by the Pure Food Committee.
Ugh! Ah!
- What time is it?
- Just before one o'clock, sir.
The boat! The boat!
l put Mr Claude and Mr Eustace into
a taxi for the docks at half past seven.
Oh, thank heavens, Jeeves! A-1 .
l may have satisfied the scourge.
What on earth will l do about Gwladys?
Aunt Agatha's behaviour
was beyond the rabbit-proof fence.
Would you prefer breakfast
or luncheon, sir, when you are dressed?
Oh, breakfast, l think.
No need to let standards drop.
- Run my bath, will you?
- Very good, sir.
(Bell)
- Hello?
- What ho, Bertie.
Had a nice refreshing sleep?
- You're meant to be in South Africa.
- lt's like this.
Remember that wonderful singer
you introduced me to at Ciro's?
- Marion?
- Marion.
- We're soul mates, Bertie.
- Oh, pish!
Soul mates. l gave Eustace the slip
at the customs shed.
ls that breakfast you're having
or lunch?
l'll go and see what old Jeeves
can rustle up. l'm famished.
- But...
- Smooth work, Bertie. Smooth work.
What are you doing here?
l eluded poor old Claude
in the customs shed and sneaked off!
lf you expected me
to go sloping off to South Africa,
you shouldn't have introduced me
to Marion.
- What a girl, Bertie!
- Yes, yes, yes.
l'm not a man who falls in love
with every girl he sees.
Strong and silent are the best
adjectives you could find for me.
But when l do meet my affinity...
(Both) What are you doing here?
Have you come back to inflict your
beastly society on Miss Wardour?
ls that why you sneaked back
in this underhand fashion?
Underhand? l like that!
Well, may the best man win,
that's what l say.
Never mind the best man. What about
me? Suppose Aunt Agatha finds out.
Mm? Mm?
What time did Mr Claude
and Mr Eustace get in last night, Jeeves?
One at 3:45, sir, the other at 3:50.
How do they do it, Jeeves?
l read an article last week
in Scientific American
which propounded the theory
that we all contain something
it called a ''body clock''.
ln the very young,
this mechanism acts less like a clock
and more like a mechanical toy which
runs randomly around at high speed,
only changing direction
when it bumps into an obstacle.
All l hope is, the spring unwinds
before they see Aunt Agatha.
- lndeed, sir.
- Meanwhile we can only watch and pray.
Miss Pendlebury is proving obdurate.
She wouldn't answer my telephone calls.
Ladies who spell Gwladys with a W
are seldom noted for their reliability.
lt gives them romantic notions.
With a W, Jeeves?
No, no. You spell it with a G.
lf l might draw your attention
to the signature, sir.
Good Lord! G-W?
l blame Alfred Lord Tennyson
and his ldylls Of The Kings.
lt also accounts for Kathryn, lsybel
and Ethyl all spelt with a Y.
But Gwladys
is a particularly virulent form.
- (Doorbell)
- Well, well, well.
Come on, Bertie. We are going out
to celebrate my engagement.
Engagement? You mean the poor
unwitting girl said yes?
She did! l said, ''l may be poor but honest
now but we can soon change all that.''
ln a couple of months' time,
l'll have New York at my feet.
Well, all the ones who like soup.
- And she fell for it?
- She saw reason, Bertie. (Laughs)
Hook, line and whatchamacallit!
But it's true.
Old Slingsby thinks my recipe's
the bee's knees.
His lawyers are drawing up a contract.
(Bertie) l always said that your talent
would be recognised.
Come on, lunch is on Bertie.
Bertie!
(Car horn)
Aah!
Aah!
(Crashing)
(Hissing)
Aah... Aah...
Eustace!
- Good afternoon, Mrs Gregson.
- Jeeves. Where is my nephew?
l regret to say that Mr Wooster
is not at home.
You may be surprised to learn
that l saw Mr Eustace
not ten minutes ago.
- But surely...
- l plainly saw him, Jeeves,
standing on the corner
of 42nd Street and Broadway.
This is sinister news indeed.
My nephew was distinctly instructed
to get those boys on the boat.
He was given
one small responsibility.
- What do you mean, sinister?
- Did Mr Eustace look pale, perhaps?
Pale?
Yes, now you mention it.
But with the life he's been leading...
Mm. And what precisely was he doing,
Mrs Gregson?
- He was hailing a taxi.
- l see. Standing, perhaps, like this?
Yes, yes, yes.
- l hope all is well with the gentlemen.
- Well, why shouldn't it be?
You'll pardon my saying,
but Mr Claude and Mr Eustace
are on board the SS Pride of Natal.
l saw them myself into a taxi
bound for the docks on Thursday.
And yet now you tell me
that this morning,
you saw the pale figure of Mr Eustace
standing with arm upraised
in valediction
as you passed by.
Good heavens. Jeeves!
Mm.
- Bertie, l'm uneasy.
- Uneasy, eh?
On my way to the gallery
this morning, l saw quite clearly,
as clearly as l see you now,
the phantasm of poor dear Eustace.
- The what of Eustace?
- Pay attention, Bertie!
The phantasm. The wraith.
Oh, all right, Aunt Agatha,
it's a fair cop. l tried...
Do be quiet, boy!
lt was only for a moment
but it was so clear
that for an instant
l thought it was Eustace himself.
Do you think those poor dear boys
are safe, Bertie?
They've not met
with some horrible accident?
Oh, l see. Er... Phantasm or wraith.
Erm, well, l mean to say,
by Jove, it's always possible.
Those in peril on the sea and whatnot.
Pretty dangerous stuff, water.
- Typhoons and so on. Waves.
- Don't blither, Bertie.
No. Right.
Eustace, Marion does not want
to see you. She said as much last night.
What rot! She said to me she was fed up
with you hanging around
like a vulture with the croup!
Ah! l've got a bone to pick with you.
Not now, old chap.
l'm just off to take Marion to the races.
- l'm taking Marion to the races!
- Neither of you is.
- What?
- You were seen by Aunt Agatha.
No!
Fortunately, she's got it into her head
that you were a wraith.
- That's why l'm going to the wraith track!
- Very amusing.
As jolly as it may seem
to shock Aunt Agatha,
l must forbid you
from wandering around the metrop.
l suppose
we could buy a couple of disguises.
My dear old chap,
the brightest idea on record!
That's settled, then.
What a lark about the accident!
Accident? What accident?
Jeeves?
(Man laughing)
Jeeves?
(Laughs)
- Am l a man to complain, Jeeves?
- Good afternoon, sir. No, sir.
- That's what l thought. However...
- You were about to enquire
who is in your pyjamas
in the second-best bedroom.
Well, yes, Jeeves.
Call me an old fuddy-duddy,
but that thought was
in the process of crossing my mind.
Miss Pendlebury
ran over a gentleman in her car
immediately outside this building.
- He sustained a slight fracture.
- Miss Pendlebury's all right?
Physically, she appears satisfactory.
She was suffering a distress of mind.
Ah. That's her beautiful,
sympathetic nature.
lt must be a hard world for a girl.
Men flinging themselves under
her car in an unending stream.
What's the chump doing in my pyjamas?
Miss Pendlebury desired him
to be brought to the apartment.
She told me to summon a medical man
and telephone the gentleman's sister.
- What's his sister got to do with it?
- The patient's next of kin.
She appeared most desirous
of seeing you.
Wanted to thank me for putting up
her little brother, eh?
Possibly, but she did allude to you in
tones suggestive of disapprobation.
''Feckless idiot''
was one of the terms she employed.
Feckless idiot?
Come.
- You?
- Ah, Wooster!
- You didn't tell me it was Lucius Pim.
- l didn't wish to distress you further, sir.
- How long's he going to be here?
- About a week.
- A week?
- About this accident, Wooster.
My sister is married
to Alexander Slingsby.
The soup man?
l met him the other night.
The point l am making
is that my sister loves me devotedly.
And she might try to persecute
poor Gwladys
if she knew it was she that was driving
the car that laid me out.
She doesn't know?
l told her that l was knocked over
by a car driven by you.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! By me?
She'll be calling on you tomorrow
and l recommend,
if you want a pleasant interview,
that you sweeten her a bit.
Send her some champagne,
a few smiles, a tactful word or two.
She'll be melted
before you know where you are.
Of all the blasted nerve, Jeeves!
He has an ample supply of effrontery.
lf he thinks l'm going to knuckle
under to his ludicrous scheme,
he's got another think
fast approaching a five-furlong marker.
We Woosters
are made of sterner stuff.
l'm sure that's true, sir.
Still, wouldn't do any harm
to send a case of champagne.
l'm having dinner with Tuppy.
# l could leave the old days behind
# Leave all my pearls, l'd never mind
# l could start my life all anew
# lf l had you
# l could be a king, dear, uncrowned
# Humble or poor, rich or renowned
# There is nothing l couldn't do
# lf l had you #
l'd like to say that Tuppy's a lucky dog.
To Elizabeth and Tuppy.
We'll be very happy, won't we?
lf you ever remember l'm here,
l suppose that's just possible.
You haven't taken your eyes off
that fat singer since she came on!
Well, she was singing.
Do l have to stand up and sing
in order to get any attention?
- Of course not, darling, l was just...
- l have never been so humiliated!
(Sobs)
What does she mean?
Elizabeth! Poppet!
- What ho!
- We took your advice!
Oh...
Come.
Fine painter, Miss Pendlebury,
is she not, Mr Pim?
She's a great girl, Jeeves.
l can't get anywhere with her.
Such a pity her work
is confined to so small an audience.
lt strikes me that the man
who will win Miss Pendlebury
is the man who can further her career.
You don't have
to go running after Pim, Jeeves.
lt's no trouble, sir.
lf he wants room service,
he can go to a hotel and pay for it.
- Any sign of the dratted sister yet?
- No, sir.
l'm going to practise my putting.
Don't see why l should have my
schedule put out.
Very good, sir.
Have a think
about the Gwladys imbroglio, will you?
- l'm at my wits' end.
- Certainly, sir. Will that be all, sir?
Yes, Jeeves, that will be all.
(Doorbell)
Mr Alexander Slingsby to see you, sir.
l need hardly tell you why l'm here,
Wooster.
No, of course not. Absolutely.
lt's that little matter of...
Little matter? When a man has been
annoying my wife with importunities,
l regard it as anything but a little matter!
l shall endeavour to make you see it
in the same light.
- There must be some mistake.
- There is. You made it.
First, you molest her at my party.
Then you send her liquor.
Trying to lush her up?
- No, no!
- Yes, yes!
Aah! Aah!
- Help me, Tallulah!
- What have you done?
First my brother, then my husband!
You beast!
- Oh, Bertie!
- But Gwladys...
l...
Aah!
(# Plays notes)
(Doorbell)
Mr Wooster's cousins aren't around,
are they?
- No, Miss Wardour.
- Thank God!
- Bertie!
- Marion.
l'm sorry, but you'll have
to do something about your cousins.
- You're seeing a lot of them?
- l can't stop tripping over them.
l'm leaving town, Bertie.
lt can't be as bad as that, surely?
Can't it just? They've taken
to calling at my apartment.
They settle down grimly
and try to sit each other out.
lt's wearing me to a shadow.
l've taken an engagement
at a resort for the summer
just to get away from them!
- This is a bit steep, Jeeves.
- Approaching the perpendicular.
- (Doorbell)
- lt's them!
- Jeeves, quick, the fire escape.
- This way, miss.
Bertie, l haven't slept a wink.
l came to tell you that l must leave
New York for a few days.
- l simply must rest.
- l think...
l'm so worried
about poor Claude and Eustace.
l sent a cable to the ship
but l've had no reply.
No, well, they do it with flags.
Takes a bit of time.
- Don't let him talk nonsense, Jeeves.
- Very good, madam.
l shall be in Long lsland
for the next week.
l'm staying with Mr Prysock's
nephew and his wife at Bay Shore.
l hope that the next time you see me,
l shall be more like myself again.
(Tuppy) She's scratched the fixture.
- No!
- She has!
Won't let me near her.
Refuses to talk on the phone.
- Sends back my letters unopened.
- A firm stand is what's required.
Never let them see the whites
of your eyes. They can smell fear.
lf she won't see me she won't know
l'm making a firm stand!
She's gone to see an aunt at the seaside.
Follow her! Show her
you're not to be trifled with.
No. No, l couldn't, Bertie.
Not all by myself.
Tell you what...
Why don't we both go?
Me?
Well, a spot of sea air might
put some wind in our sails.
- lt's always possible, sir.
- My sails could do with a bit of wind.
What's this Bay Shore place like, Tuppy?
Haven't you been to my cottage?
- l didn't know you had one.
- Yes, just rented it for the summer.
Just a... Well, just a little shack, really.
Bay Shore, please, one way.
Bay Shore, please.
Bay Shore. One way.
- Bay Shore, Long lsland.
- Ma'am.
(# Repetitive notes on piano)
What about a brisk walk, eh, Tuppy?
l don't think so, no.
She's just over there, Bertie.
Not half a mile away.
Laughing. Joking.
We could go to the beach.
Elizabeth might be there.
You might be able to save her
from drowning.
l can't swim.
Kept up with the roses?
Yes, sir. A dozen daily to Miss Vickers
with Mr Glossop's name on.
- Chocolates?
- Yes.
He doesn't do anything.
Follows her here,
then moons about the place rubbing
ointment into his mosquito bites.
One is consoled by the reflection
that it is a healthy life, sir.
He's popular with mosquitoes.
They never bite me. You?
- No, sir.
- They just hang around for Tuppy.
They want to be in good condition
for him. Jeeves!
- That's her, that's Elizabeth Vickers.
- lndeed, sir.
That blob covered in sand and ice cream
must be her nephew.
lt would appear so, sir.
Jeeves! l have an idea.
Nay, an inspiration.
- l should be interested to hear it.
- We will kidnap that child.
l will return to the cottage now,
if that is consistent with your wishes.
No, it is dashed well not consistent with
my wishes. l can't do this single-handed.
l regret that the terms of my employment
do not permit me
to take part in criminal activity, sir.
What rot, Jeeves!
We're only going to borrow him.
lt's not remotely criminal
to bring two loving hearts together.
That is not an assertion l should care
to see tested in a court of law, sir.
You disappoint me. ls this the way
the Jeeveses of old faced fearful odds?
l should imagine, sir,
that it must have been.
Or else the line would have been
speedily extinguished.
(Mouths)
(Gurgling)
(Tuppy) Can we stop it making
that dreadful noise?
Don't they have a switch or something?
- (Bertie) l wonder if they like honey.
- Bound to, l should imagine.
There. l think
l might have a bit of a talent for this.
Anyway, there's Elizabeth, distraught
because she's misplaced the child.
Tuppy appears,
leading the infant by a sticky hand
and telling some story to the effect
that he found it wandering at large
and practically saved its life.
The girl's gratitude is bound
to make her become friends again.
l see. Oh, l see.
There's something in this, Bertie.
You take it. l'm covered in honey.
Serves you right. lt was your idea.
Where did you say she was sitting?
- Over there. Look, there.
- Where?
- There, there.
- Oh, yes.
Oh, Elizabeth!
No time for all that. Here.
She doesn't seem
to be doing much searching.
- She's wondering if it's drifted off to sea.
- Yes, well...
Here goes.
lt's no relation at all! lt's just
some kid she met at the beach.
- She helped it build a sandcastle.
- She'd never seen it before.
She listened like an iceberg while l told
the story about saving its life,
then told me l was a liar,
an outcast and a worm.
- Good Lord!
- ls that all you can say?
l'm going to the house
across the road.
- They won't say any different there.
- They have a child's nurse.
Maybe she'll be able to stop that...noise.
Now, then, listen to me.
l want to know your address.
- l got sticky!
- This is a very serious matter.
Thank you, no. l'll wait until dinner.
Now, then... Where do you live?
- Who is your father?
- (Mumbles)
Well, look at me when l'm talking
to you. Father? Where is he?
Well, think, man, think!
- Dada!
- Yes! That's the chap. Where is he?
(Blows raspberry)
l don't know
this child is concealing something
or if he's simply vapid and uninformed
about current events.
- lt's hard to tell, sir.
- Admits he has a father, then clams up.
Never occurred to the child
while chatting with the old man
to ask his name and address.
The younger generation takes little
interest in the activities of its elders.
- lt has occurred to me, sir...
- You haven't had an idea?
Not for ridding ourselves
of the infant, no, sir.
But it seems that in light
of being burdened with the child,
at least use it
to solve Mr Glossop's problem.
Really? l don't see that.
Well, sir, l attended a performance
of a cinema film recently,
in which estranged parents of a child
were brought together by the tot.
How?
lf l remember rightly, it said, ''Dada,
doesn't oo love Mummy no more?''
''Dada, doesn't oo
love Mummy no more?''
- That did the trick, did it?
- Oh, yes, indeed, sir.
The picture concluded with
a close-up of the pair in fond embrace,
the child looking on
with natural gratification.
Jeeves, l follow you absolutely.
lt's big! We lay the scene right here.
Child centre stage.
Girl left of centre. Tuppy upstage.
Child speaks line. Something like,
''Boo-ful lady, doesn't oo love Tuppy?''
Ah, but can the child learn its line?
lf l might make a suggestion, l would
advocate the words ''Kiss Tuppy''.
lt's short, readily memorised,
and has what is technically termed
''the punch''.
Genius, Jeeves!
No, you must say, ''Kiss Tuppy''.
Unless you comply with our wishes
in this matter,
no more toffees will be forthcoming.
- lt's no good talking to him like that.
- l'm doing my best, sir.
Don't give him a toffee till he comes up
with the goods.
You're far too soft on him.
Let me have a go.
Right, now then, say, ''Kiss Tuppy''.
- Kiss Tuppy.
- Kiss Tuppy.
- There you are, you see. He did it!
- Well done, sir.
- Have you been eating these?
- No, sir.
- Hop to the shop. Get a hundredweight.
- Very good, sir.
Right, now then, toffee.
Say, ''Kiss Tuppy''.
- Kiss Tuppy.
- Well done.
That's the last one.
Emergency supplies on the way.
lt's Mr Wooster, isn't it?
We met in New York?
- Elizabeth! Nice to see you.
- l don't understand. ls that your baby?
Mine? No!
l've just got the use of it for a bit.
We got to be real friends on the beach.
Hello, baby!
Hello.
Friends, eh? Well, well, well.
Small world, all that.
l brought these back for Hildebrand. He
won't accept that all is over between us.
- Oh, the flowers and the chocolates!
- What's all this, then? Oh.
- l brought your gifts back.
- What gifts?
- Those gifts. Roses? Chocolates?
- l never sent them.
Oh, how pathetic.
And how typical, if l may say so.
No, you blasted well may not say so!
- l never sent any...
- (Buzzing)
..dratted presents!
l don't care
whose name's on that blasted card!
Don't care? Well, isn't that just like you?
- Do you care about anything?
- Yes, l do, since you so kindly ask.
- l care about having my privacy...
- Kiss Tuppy!
..accusing me
of buying her roses and chocolates!
l bet you bought presents
for that fat singer!
l have no interest in any singer,
fat or otherwise.
Kiss Tuppy! Kiss Tuppy!
- Kiss Tuppy!
- What did he say?
Kiss Tuppy!
- Kiss Tuppy!
- Good afternoon.
Kiss Tuppy! Kiss Tuppy! Kiss Tuppy!
What's going on here?
- Give him one of these or he won't stop.
- What on earth are you doing?
We had the idea of training the infant
to interject the phrase, ''Kiss Tuppy''
whenever a piece of toffee
hove into view.
- Thought it might soften you up.
- Kiss Tuppy!
- You trained the baby to...
- Kiss Tuppy!
Oh, Hildebrand!
l've never heard anything so ridiculous!
Oh, you're such a fool.
(Boy) Kiss Tuppy!
- Just a...silly... silly idea...really.
- And l do love you.
Oh! Oh!
(Boy) Kiss Tuppy!
- Good work.
- (Bicycle bell)
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
We can't find Miss Wardour anywhere.
l wonder if she might be visiting
her old friends the Prysocks.
- Prysocks?
- The large white house on the right.
White. Right.
Perhaps you gentlemen
would be kind enough
to take something over there
for Mr Wooster?
- l say!
- Excuse us.
- What?
- We were asked to deliver this.
l thought there was one missing.
Just put him down.
- ls, er... Marion here?
- Who?
- Marion Wardour.
- Never heard of her.
You know! The singer!
We were told that...
May, l was...
- You!
- Aunt Agatha!
Faster, faster! We've lost them!
(Both) Aah!
Stop the car!
Claude! Eustace!
What is the meaning of this?
To think it took a little child
to bring us together!
l'll never eat a toffee again
without thinking of you, darling!
Too much sea air gets into the brain,
Jeeves.
Very true, sir.
(Tuppy) Wait a minute.
(Bertie) lt can't be!
(Both) Good God!
(Bertie) That's my Aunt Agatha!
(Tuppy) That's my soup!
- l demand to see Lucius Pim!
- Me too.
- Bertie!
- What are you doing here?
Why, l work here.
Lucius offered me a wonderful job.
Perhaps you or he can tell me
what my aunt's portrait is doing
all over the countryside.
And what about my soup?
You! l told you l never want
to see your ugly mug again.
Well, l like that!
What about the money you owe me?
l don't owe you
one goddamn red cent.
My wife looked up your
cockamamie soup in a cookbook.
lt's Cock-a-Leekie.
My nanny never wrote a cookbook.
She didn't have to.
lt's in every cookbook
from here to Vladivostok.
Oh, Hildebrand!
Elizabeth!
None of this alters the fact
that you used my painting.
That's nothing to do with me. That's
what l pay an advertising agent for.
Your butler suggested
l buy one of my fiancee's paintings...
- Wh-what fiancee?
- Gwladys and l are going to be married.
We wanted you to be
the first to know. Well, almost.
This time, you will go to South Africa.
And you will settle down and be
of no further worry to your poor mother!
- No, Aunt Agatha.
- We were led astray, Aunt Agatha.
Yes, there's some truth in that.
Your cousin has much to answer for.
Take your hats off!
lt was a dashed nerve,
selling my portrait of Aunt Agatha.
You mustn't be cross with Jeeves,
Bertie.
Look how brilliantly he got rid
of Claude and Eustace.
Yes, well. Tell me, how did you know
the kid belonged to the Prysocks?
The woman in the shop saw the child
in Mr Glossop's garden
and knowing the Prysocks, enquired
whether Mr Glossop was related.
And we're both better off
than poor Tuppy.
Serves him right,
him and his nanny's Cock-a-Leekie soup.
# You do something to Cock-a-Leekie
# Something to really mortify him
# You've made old Tuppy
feel quite peaky
# What can we do to fortify him? #
Brilliant.
# He'd lost sleep for that soup #
Er... Jeeves?
# At one fell swoop, the Slingsby group
# Knocked Mr Glossop for a loop, sir
# Cos you do
something to Cock-a-Leekie
# That's given old Tuppy croup #
Well, cheero!
# Soups do something to me
# Something that really mystifies me
- # Slingsby's, how can it be... #
- (Sniggering)
# You have the taste to tantalise me... #
- (Laughter)
- # l just live for your broth
# Life's not the same
since Slingsby's came
# You're a flame and l'm the moth
# Cos Slingsby's do something to soup
# That nobody else can do #
Bertie!
Bertie! Bertie!
- ls that it?
- Help me get this out, Bertie.
(Bell)
That you back there, Mr Wooster?
Yes, yes, it's me, Mr Coneybear.
(Bell)
Come on, Bertie.
l've got to get home and change.
Good evening, Miss Pendlebury.
l'm just making sure
my painting gets here safely.
Bertie, just put it down over there.
- Over?
- Lean it against the desk.
Carefully now! Not too near the fire.
l'll varnish it tomorrow.
- A small whisky's in order, Jeeves.
- Very good, sir.
You haven't got time.
We've got to be at the party in an hour.
l'll meet you at Gilhooley & Pim's.
You know the address? Good!
- Bye, Jeeves.
- Good evening, Miss Pendlebury.
What a wonderful girl
that Gwladys Pendlebury is.
She seems a vigorous lady, sir.
And something of a hot tip in the art
world too, l'm told.
- l'd like your opinion on the work.
- Very good, sir.
You may ask, Jeeves,
why l should spend money
commissioning a portrait of Aunt Agatha,
scourge of the Woosters.
lt did occur to me, sir, to wonder.
This comparatively small investment
may allow young Bertram
to live out his remaining years in peace.
Struck all of a heap
by her nephew's homage,
said scourge will give her blessing
to his marriage to the talented artist.
To wit, Gwladys Pendlebury.
lf you say so, sir.
Jeeves, you don't like this spot of art?
ln my untutored opinion, sir,
she has given Mrs Gregson
somewhat too hungry an expression.
A little like a dog
regarding a distant bone.
There is no resemblance
to a dog regarding a distant bone.
The look to which you refer
is one of wisdom and tolerance.
l asked Miss Pendlebury
to include that look, at no extra charge,
even though no such expression was
apparent in the photograph she used.
l see, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
We hope you're all having as much
fun as we of Gilhooley & Pim are.
My name is Lucius Pim.
And just as our agency is proud
to be advertising Slingsby's
new range of Superb Soups,
l'm proud to introduce you
to Mr Alexander Slingsby.
(Applause)
We will not fail the American people.
Come rain, shine or snow,
through good times or bad,
we will continue to provide
Slingsby's Superb Soups
to the tables
of this great country of ours.
# Soups do something to me
# Something that really mystifies me
# Slingsby's, how can it be
# You have the taste to tantalise me?
# l just live for your broth
# Life's not the same
since Slingsby's came
# You're a flame and l'm the moth
# Cos Slingsby's
do something to soup
# That nobody else can do #
- lsn't it great?
- Well...
- l love advertising, don't you?
- Well...
Oh, look, here comes Lucius now.
- You were wonderful!
- Well, thanks.
- Bertie, meet Lucius Pim.
- What ho, Lucius.
- You in soup?
- Well, not yet.
Well, excuse me.
Bertie!
Tuppy! l thought
you were back in England.
No. No, l'm here.
l'm trying to meet Alexander Slingsby.
What for?
l can't tell you, Bertie. l'm sorry.
lt's a secret.
What's the best soup in the world?
l like that one they do at the Drones
the day after shepherd's pie. They...
No, no, no.
lt's a soup called Cock-a-Leekie.
My old nanny used to make it.
There are millions in this.
l'll sell Slingsby the secret recipe,
on a royalty basis, you understand.
For every tin they sell,
l'll collect a ha'penny.
And what does Slingsby say?
l haven't been able to meet him yet.
He won't reply to my letters.
That's why l've had to come here, to...
Anyway, it can't fail, Bertie.
l just have to catch a whiff
of that soup and l'm...
Oh...
Transported back to my childhood.
But does the populus at large want to be
transported back to your childhood?
What do you mean?
- l say! There's Elizabeth over there.
- Who's Elizabeth?
Elizabeth Vickers is the woman
l intend to marry.
Marry? Well, congratulations!
She doesn't know about it yet.
l'm going to ask her tonight. Come on!
My husband will be so interested.
Alexander lives and breathes soup.
Elizabeth,
l'd like you to meet an old friend.
Hildebrand, this is Mrs Slingsby.
Of Slingsby's Superb Soups?
Oh, how do you..
Aah!
l'm most awfully sorry. l...
- Oh, it's all right!
- You're so clumsy, Hildebrand!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Are you all right, Tallulah?
- Well, l was just...
- Mr Slingsby, l don't know...
- You keep out of it!
- Yes, quite.
Leave Mrs Slingsby alone, Wooster!
- Well, of all the...
- Cut along.
You've done enough damage
for one night.
What my idea is is this, Mr Slingsby.
l have this humdinger of a soup...
l'm not at all easy in my mind about a
cove by the name of Lucius Pim, Jeeves.
Apart from being
something called an advertising agent,
and in a position to do Gwladys
good professionally, his hair waves.
One must never discount wavy hair.
l shall endeavour to remember that.
Will that be all, sir?
Yes, Jeeves, that'll be all. Good night.
Good night, sir.
lt's strangely satisfying
watching you varnish Aunt Agatha.
My aunt is something of a byword
in art circs, isn't that so, Jeeves?
- lndeed so, sir.
- ln what way?
Know the Gregson-Prysock gallery?
- Of course.
- My Aunt Agatha is the Gregson bit.
Her name being Gregson,
it was to be expected.
- This is Agatha Gregson?
- Yes.
- Coffee, miss?
- Thank you, Jeeves.
Why didn't you say? lf she likes
my portrait, it could do me a lot of good.
Of course she'll like it.
Won't she, Jeeves?
l'm sure Mrs Gregson will lose no time
in expressing her opinion, miss.
- (Doorbell)
- Yes, we must get her to see it soon.
Aunt Agatha's in England at the moment
but we'll take it over with us next month.
- Mrs Gregson to see you, sir.
- Ah. Aah!
- Bertie.
- Aunt Agatha!
- What are you doing in America?
- Sit!
As you can see, Bertie, your cousins
have at last been apprehended.
- Apprehended?
- Kindly do not interrupt me, Bertie.
They sail for South Africa tomorrow
on the Pride Of Natal. l...
Good heaven!
- ls that supposed to be me?
- As a matter of fact...
- What an extraordinary daub!
- Look here!
Who, pray, are you?
- l'm glad you asked.
- Don't you talk to me like that!
You are not the dealer
who's trying to pass this discoloured
canvas off on my nephew?
Oh!
Gwladys! Gwladys!
Wait! Wait!
Never speak to me again, Bertie Wooster!
Gwladys!
One comes to recognise
these shady art dealers, you know.
That was Gwladys Pendlebury.
She painted the picture.
Oh, poor girl.
You should have told me, Bertie.
Had l known she was responsible,
l would have been
more forthright in my criticism.
You could hardly have been more
forthright without physical violence.
lt is as well for a girl to be aware
of her shortcomings early on in life.
To get back to Claude and Eustace,
they leave tomorrow.
- But aren't they at Oxford?
- They were expelled.
- We behaved badly. We realise that.
- Very badly.
Be still. Their father is determined that
they shall start life anew in the Colonies.
- Their father's dead.
- lt is but a veil, Bertie.
The veil can be pierced.
Until they sail, they're in your charge.
- Mine?
- You will put them up here tonight
and see they're ready to board
the Pride Of Natal tomorrow morning.
Jolly decent of you to put us up.
Not at all. l only wish
you were staying a good long time.
Hear that, Eustace?
He wishes it was for a good long time.
What do you propose to do, Bertie,
in the way of entertaining
your handsome guests tonight?
Erm... Well... l suppose we could
have a bit of dinner in the flat.
- And afterwards?
- Afterwards?
l... We might chat of this and that.
lt struck me that you'd probably want
to turn in early
as your boat sails first thing
in the morning.
(Both laugh)
# Time without end
# l wait for you
# On this date for you
# Time without end
# Calendars don't matter
# Clocks can lose their chime
# My diary says an empty stock's
not worth a dime
# l'll love you and l'll need you
till the end of time
# But when will the pendulum swing?
# Time without end
# Without a friend, without, l spend
# Time without end
# With you #
No! No! No more champagne!
No, l want to go home!
- Good afternoon, sir.
- Oh! Oh...
Jeeves.
Jeeves, l'm getting too old for all this.
l feel like something that's been rejected
by the Pure Food Committee.
Ugh! Ah!
- What time is it?
- Just before one o'clock, sir.
The boat! The boat!
l put Mr Claude and Mr Eustace into
a taxi for the docks at half past seven.
Oh, thank heavens, Jeeves! A-1 .
l may have satisfied the scourge.
What on earth will l do about Gwladys?
Aunt Agatha's behaviour
was beyond the rabbit-proof fence.
Would you prefer breakfast
or luncheon, sir, when you are dressed?
Oh, breakfast, l think.
No need to let standards drop.
- Run my bath, will you?
- Very good, sir.
(Bell)
- Hello?
- What ho, Bertie.
Had a nice refreshing sleep?
- You're meant to be in South Africa.
- lt's like this.
Remember that wonderful singer
you introduced me to at Ciro's?
- Marion?
- Marion.
- We're soul mates, Bertie.
- Oh, pish!
Soul mates. l gave Eustace the slip
at the customs shed.
ls that breakfast you're having
or lunch?
l'll go and see what old Jeeves
can rustle up. l'm famished.
- But...
- Smooth work, Bertie. Smooth work.
What are you doing here?
l eluded poor old Claude
in the customs shed and sneaked off!
lf you expected me
to go sloping off to South Africa,
you shouldn't have introduced me
to Marion.
- What a girl, Bertie!
- Yes, yes, yes.
l'm not a man who falls in love
with every girl he sees.
Strong and silent are the best
adjectives you could find for me.
But when l do meet my affinity...
(Both) What are you doing here?
Have you come back to inflict your
beastly society on Miss Wardour?
ls that why you sneaked back
in this underhand fashion?
Underhand? l like that!
Well, may the best man win,
that's what l say.
Never mind the best man. What about
me? Suppose Aunt Agatha finds out.
Mm? Mm?
What time did Mr Claude
and Mr Eustace get in last night, Jeeves?
One at 3:45, sir, the other at 3:50.
How do they do it, Jeeves?
l read an article last week
in Scientific American
which propounded the theory
that we all contain something
it called a ''body clock''.
ln the very young,
this mechanism acts less like a clock
and more like a mechanical toy which
runs randomly around at high speed,
only changing direction
when it bumps into an obstacle.
All l hope is, the spring unwinds
before they see Aunt Agatha.
- lndeed, sir.
- Meanwhile we can only watch and pray.
Miss Pendlebury is proving obdurate.
She wouldn't answer my telephone calls.
Ladies who spell Gwladys with a W
are seldom noted for their reliability.
lt gives them romantic notions.
With a W, Jeeves?
No, no. You spell it with a G.
lf l might draw your attention
to the signature, sir.
Good Lord! G-W?
l blame Alfred Lord Tennyson
and his ldylls Of The Kings.
lt also accounts for Kathryn, lsybel
and Ethyl all spelt with a Y.
But Gwladys
is a particularly virulent form.
- (Doorbell)
- Well, well, well.
Come on, Bertie. We are going out
to celebrate my engagement.
Engagement? You mean the poor
unwitting girl said yes?
She did! l said, ''l may be poor but honest
now but we can soon change all that.''
ln a couple of months' time,
l'll have New York at my feet.
Well, all the ones who like soup.
- And she fell for it?
- She saw reason, Bertie. (Laughs)
Hook, line and whatchamacallit!
But it's true.
Old Slingsby thinks my recipe's
the bee's knees.
His lawyers are drawing up a contract.
(Bertie) l always said that your talent
would be recognised.
Come on, lunch is on Bertie.
Bertie!
(Car horn)
Aah!
Aah!
(Crashing)
(Hissing)
Aah... Aah...
Eustace!
- Good afternoon, Mrs Gregson.
- Jeeves. Where is my nephew?
l regret to say that Mr Wooster
is not at home.
You may be surprised to learn
that l saw Mr Eustace
not ten minutes ago.
- But surely...
- l plainly saw him, Jeeves,
standing on the corner
of 42nd Street and Broadway.
This is sinister news indeed.
My nephew was distinctly instructed
to get those boys on the boat.
He was given
one small responsibility.
- What do you mean, sinister?
- Did Mr Eustace look pale, perhaps?
Pale?
Yes, now you mention it.
But with the life he's been leading...
Mm. And what precisely was he doing,
Mrs Gregson?
- He was hailing a taxi.
- l see. Standing, perhaps, like this?
Yes, yes, yes.
- l hope all is well with the gentlemen.
- Well, why shouldn't it be?
You'll pardon my saying,
but Mr Claude and Mr Eustace
are on board the SS Pride of Natal.
l saw them myself into a taxi
bound for the docks on Thursday.
And yet now you tell me
that this morning,
you saw the pale figure of Mr Eustace
standing with arm upraised
in valediction
as you passed by.
Good heavens. Jeeves!
Mm.
- Bertie, l'm uneasy.
- Uneasy, eh?
On my way to the gallery
this morning, l saw quite clearly,
as clearly as l see you now,
the phantasm of poor dear Eustace.
- The what of Eustace?
- Pay attention, Bertie!
The phantasm. The wraith.
Oh, all right, Aunt Agatha,
it's a fair cop. l tried...
Do be quiet, boy!
lt was only for a moment
but it was so clear
that for an instant
l thought it was Eustace himself.
Do you think those poor dear boys
are safe, Bertie?
They've not met
with some horrible accident?
Oh, l see. Er... Phantasm or wraith.
Erm, well, l mean to say,
by Jove, it's always possible.
Those in peril on the sea and whatnot.
Pretty dangerous stuff, water.
- Typhoons and so on. Waves.
- Don't blither, Bertie.
No. Right.
Eustace, Marion does not want
to see you. She said as much last night.
What rot! She said to me she was fed up
with you hanging around
like a vulture with the croup!
Ah! l've got a bone to pick with you.
Not now, old chap.
l'm just off to take Marion to the races.
- l'm taking Marion to the races!
- Neither of you is.
- What?
- You were seen by Aunt Agatha.
No!
Fortunately, she's got it into her head
that you were a wraith.
- That's why l'm going to the wraith track!
- Very amusing.
As jolly as it may seem
to shock Aunt Agatha,
l must forbid you
from wandering around the metrop.
l suppose
we could buy a couple of disguises.
My dear old chap,
the brightest idea on record!
That's settled, then.
What a lark about the accident!
Accident? What accident?
Jeeves?
(Man laughing)
Jeeves?
(Laughs)
- Am l a man to complain, Jeeves?
- Good afternoon, sir. No, sir.
- That's what l thought. However...
- You were about to enquire
who is in your pyjamas
in the second-best bedroom.
Well, yes, Jeeves.
Call me an old fuddy-duddy,
but that thought was
in the process of crossing my mind.
Miss Pendlebury
ran over a gentleman in her car
immediately outside this building.
- He sustained a slight fracture.
- Miss Pendlebury's all right?
Physically, she appears satisfactory.
She was suffering a distress of mind.
Ah. That's her beautiful,
sympathetic nature.
lt must be a hard world for a girl.
Men flinging themselves under
her car in an unending stream.
What's the chump doing in my pyjamas?
Miss Pendlebury desired him
to be brought to the apartment.
She told me to summon a medical man
and telephone the gentleman's sister.
- What's his sister got to do with it?
- The patient's next of kin.
She appeared most desirous
of seeing you.
Wanted to thank me for putting up
her little brother, eh?
Possibly, but she did allude to you in
tones suggestive of disapprobation.
''Feckless idiot''
was one of the terms she employed.
Feckless idiot?
Come.
- You?
- Ah, Wooster!
- You didn't tell me it was Lucius Pim.
- l didn't wish to distress you further, sir.
- How long's he going to be here?
- About a week.
- A week?
- About this accident, Wooster.
My sister is married
to Alexander Slingsby.
The soup man?
l met him the other night.
The point l am making
is that my sister loves me devotedly.
And she might try to persecute
poor Gwladys
if she knew it was she that was driving
the car that laid me out.
She doesn't know?
l told her that l was knocked over
by a car driven by you.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! By me?
She'll be calling on you tomorrow
and l recommend,
if you want a pleasant interview,
that you sweeten her a bit.
Send her some champagne,
a few smiles, a tactful word or two.
She'll be melted
before you know where you are.
Of all the blasted nerve, Jeeves!
He has an ample supply of effrontery.
lf he thinks l'm going to knuckle
under to his ludicrous scheme,
he's got another think
fast approaching a five-furlong marker.
We Woosters
are made of sterner stuff.
l'm sure that's true, sir.
Still, wouldn't do any harm
to send a case of champagne.
l'm having dinner with Tuppy.
# l could leave the old days behind
# Leave all my pearls, l'd never mind
# l could start my life all anew
# lf l had you
# l could be a king, dear, uncrowned
# Humble or poor, rich or renowned
# There is nothing l couldn't do
# lf l had you #
l'd like to say that Tuppy's a lucky dog.
To Elizabeth and Tuppy.
We'll be very happy, won't we?
lf you ever remember l'm here,
l suppose that's just possible.
You haven't taken your eyes off
that fat singer since she came on!
Well, she was singing.
Do l have to stand up and sing
in order to get any attention?
- Of course not, darling, l was just...
- l have never been so humiliated!
(Sobs)
What does she mean?
Elizabeth! Poppet!
- What ho!
- We took your advice!
Oh...
Come.
Fine painter, Miss Pendlebury,
is she not, Mr Pim?
She's a great girl, Jeeves.
l can't get anywhere with her.
Such a pity her work
is confined to so small an audience.
lt strikes me that the man
who will win Miss Pendlebury
is the man who can further her career.
You don't have
to go running after Pim, Jeeves.
lt's no trouble, sir.
lf he wants room service,
he can go to a hotel and pay for it.
- Any sign of the dratted sister yet?
- No, sir.
l'm going to practise my putting.
Don't see why l should have my
schedule put out.
Very good, sir.
Have a think
about the Gwladys imbroglio, will you?
- l'm at my wits' end.
- Certainly, sir. Will that be all, sir?
Yes, Jeeves, that will be all.
(Doorbell)
Mr Alexander Slingsby to see you, sir.
l need hardly tell you why l'm here,
Wooster.
No, of course not. Absolutely.
lt's that little matter of...
Little matter? When a man has been
annoying my wife with importunities,
l regard it as anything but a little matter!
l shall endeavour to make you see it
in the same light.
- There must be some mistake.
- There is. You made it.
First, you molest her at my party.
Then you send her liquor.
Trying to lush her up?
- No, no!
- Yes, yes!
Aah! Aah!
- Help me, Tallulah!
- What have you done?
First my brother, then my husband!
You beast!
- Oh, Bertie!
- But Gwladys...
l...
Aah!
(# Plays notes)
(Doorbell)
Mr Wooster's cousins aren't around,
are they?
- No, Miss Wardour.
- Thank God!
- Bertie!
- Marion.
l'm sorry, but you'll have
to do something about your cousins.
- You're seeing a lot of them?
- l can't stop tripping over them.
l'm leaving town, Bertie.
lt can't be as bad as that, surely?
Can't it just? They've taken
to calling at my apartment.
They settle down grimly
and try to sit each other out.
lt's wearing me to a shadow.
l've taken an engagement
at a resort for the summer
just to get away from them!
- This is a bit steep, Jeeves.
- Approaching the perpendicular.
- (Doorbell)
- lt's them!
- Jeeves, quick, the fire escape.
- This way, miss.
Bertie, l haven't slept a wink.
l came to tell you that l must leave
New York for a few days.
- l simply must rest.
- l think...
l'm so worried
about poor Claude and Eustace.
l sent a cable to the ship
but l've had no reply.
No, well, they do it with flags.
Takes a bit of time.
- Don't let him talk nonsense, Jeeves.
- Very good, madam.
l shall be in Long lsland
for the next week.
l'm staying with Mr Prysock's
nephew and his wife at Bay Shore.
l hope that the next time you see me,
l shall be more like myself again.
(Tuppy) She's scratched the fixture.
- No!
- She has!
Won't let me near her.
Refuses to talk on the phone.
- Sends back my letters unopened.
- A firm stand is what's required.
Never let them see the whites
of your eyes. They can smell fear.
lf she won't see me she won't know
l'm making a firm stand!
She's gone to see an aunt at the seaside.
Follow her! Show her
you're not to be trifled with.
No. No, l couldn't, Bertie.
Not all by myself.
Tell you what...
Why don't we both go?
Me?
Well, a spot of sea air might
put some wind in our sails.
- lt's always possible, sir.
- My sails could do with a bit of wind.
What's this Bay Shore place like, Tuppy?
Haven't you been to my cottage?
- l didn't know you had one.
- Yes, just rented it for the summer.
Just a... Well, just a little shack, really.
Bay Shore, please, one way.
Bay Shore, please.
Bay Shore. One way.
- Bay Shore, Long lsland.
- Ma'am.
(# Repetitive notes on piano)
What about a brisk walk, eh, Tuppy?
l don't think so, no.
She's just over there, Bertie.
Not half a mile away.
Laughing. Joking.
We could go to the beach.
Elizabeth might be there.
You might be able to save her
from drowning.
l can't swim.
Kept up with the roses?
Yes, sir. A dozen daily to Miss Vickers
with Mr Glossop's name on.
- Chocolates?
- Yes.
He doesn't do anything.
Follows her here,
then moons about the place rubbing
ointment into his mosquito bites.
One is consoled by the reflection
that it is a healthy life, sir.
He's popular with mosquitoes.
They never bite me. You?
- No, sir.
- They just hang around for Tuppy.
They want to be in good condition
for him. Jeeves!
- That's her, that's Elizabeth Vickers.
- lndeed, sir.
That blob covered in sand and ice cream
must be her nephew.
lt would appear so, sir.
Jeeves! l have an idea.
Nay, an inspiration.
- l should be interested to hear it.
- We will kidnap that child.
l will return to the cottage now,
if that is consistent with your wishes.
No, it is dashed well not consistent with
my wishes. l can't do this single-handed.
l regret that the terms of my employment
do not permit me
to take part in criminal activity, sir.
What rot, Jeeves!
We're only going to borrow him.
lt's not remotely criminal
to bring two loving hearts together.
That is not an assertion l should care
to see tested in a court of law, sir.
You disappoint me. ls this the way
the Jeeveses of old faced fearful odds?
l should imagine, sir,
that it must have been.
Or else the line would have been
speedily extinguished.
(Mouths)
(Gurgling)
(Tuppy) Can we stop it making
that dreadful noise?
Don't they have a switch or something?
- (Bertie) l wonder if they like honey.
- Bound to, l should imagine.
There. l think
l might have a bit of a talent for this.
Anyway, there's Elizabeth, distraught
because she's misplaced the child.
Tuppy appears,
leading the infant by a sticky hand
and telling some story to the effect
that he found it wandering at large
and practically saved its life.
The girl's gratitude is bound
to make her become friends again.
l see. Oh, l see.
There's something in this, Bertie.
You take it. l'm covered in honey.
Serves you right. lt was your idea.
Where did you say she was sitting?
- Over there. Look, there.
- Where?
- There, there.
- Oh, yes.
Oh, Elizabeth!
No time for all that. Here.
She doesn't seem
to be doing much searching.
- She's wondering if it's drifted off to sea.
- Yes, well...
Here goes.
lt's no relation at all! lt's just
some kid she met at the beach.
- She helped it build a sandcastle.
- She'd never seen it before.
She listened like an iceberg while l told
the story about saving its life,
then told me l was a liar,
an outcast and a worm.
- Good Lord!
- ls that all you can say?
l'm going to the house
across the road.
- They won't say any different there.
- They have a child's nurse.
Maybe she'll be able to stop that...noise.
Now, then, listen to me.
l want to know your address.
- l got sticky!
- This is a very serious matter.
Thank you, no. l'll wait until dinner.
Now, then... Where do you live?
- Who is your father?
- (Mumbles)
Well, look at me when l'm talking
to you. Father? Where is he?
Well, think, man, think!
- Dada!
- Yes! That's the chap. Where is he?
(Blows raspberry)
l don't know
this child is concealing something
or if he's simply vapid and uninformed
about current events.
- lt's hard to tell, sir.
- Admits he has a father, then clams up.
Never occurred to the child
while chatting with the old man
to ask his name and address.
The younger generation takes little
interest in the activities of its elders.
- lt has occurred to me, sir...
- You haven't had an idea?
Not for ridding ourselves
of the infant, no, sir.
But it seems that in light
of being burdened with the child,
at least use it
to solve Mr Glossop's problem.
Really? l don't see that.
Well, sir, l attended a performance
of a cinema film recently,
in which estranged parents of a child
were brought together by the tot.
How?
lf l remember rightly, it said, ''Dada,
doesn't oo love Mummy no more?''
''Dada, doesn't oo
love Mummy no more?''
- That did the trick, did it?
- Oh, yes, indeed, sir.
The picture concluded with
a close-up of the pair in fond embrace,
the child looking on
with natural gratification.
Jeeves, l follow you absolutely.
lt's big! We lay the scene right here.
Child centre stage.
Girl left of centre. Tuppy upstage.
Child speaks line. Something like,
''Boo-ful lady, doesn't oo love Tuppy?''
Ah, but can the child learn its line?
lf l might make a suggestion, l would
advocate the words ''Kiss Tuppy''.
lt's short, readily memorised,
and has what is technically termed
''the punch''.
Genius, Jeeves!
No, you must say, ''Kiss Tuppy''.
Unless you comply with our wishes
in this matter,
no more toffees will be forthcoming.
- lt's no good talking to him like that.
- l'm doing my best, sir.
Don't give him a toffee till he comes up
with the goods.
You're far too soft on him.
Let me have a go.
Right, now then, say, ''Kiss Tuppy''.
- Kiss Tuppy.
- Kiss Tuppy.
- There you are, you see. He did it!
- Well done, sir.
- Have you been eating these?
- No, sir.
- Hop to the shop. Get a hundredweight.
- Very good, sir.
Right, now then, toffee.
Say, ''Kiss Tuppy''.
- Kiss Tuppy.
- Well done.
That's the last one.
Emergency supplies on the way.
lt's Mr Wooster, isn't it?
We met in New York?
- Elizabeth! Nice to see you.
- l don't understand. ls that your baby?
Mine? No!
l've just got the use of it for a bit.
We got to be real friends on the beach.
Hello, baby!
Hello.
Friends, eh? Well, well, well.
Small world, all that.
l brought these back for Hildebrand. He
won't accept that all is over between us.
- Oh, the flowers and the chocolates!
- What's all this, then? Oh.
- l brought your gifts back.
- What gifts?
- Those gifts. Roses? Chocolates?
- l never sent them.
Oh, how pathetic.
And how typical, if l may say so.
No, you blasted well may not say so!
- l never sent any...
- (Buzzing)
..dratted presents!
l don't care
whose name's on that blasted card!
Don't care? Well, isn't that just like you?
- Do you care about anything?
- Yes, l do, since you so kindly ask.
- l care about having my privacy...
- Kiss Tuppy!
..accusing me
of buying her roses and chocolates!
l bet you bought presents
for that fat singer!
l have no interest in any singer,
fat or otherwise.
Kiss Tuppy! Kiss Tuppy!
- Kiss Tuppy!
- What did he say?
Kiss Tuppy!
- Kiss Tuppy!
- Good afternoon.
Kiss Tuppy! Kiss Tuppy! Kiss Tuppy!
What's going on here?
- Give him one of these or he won't stop.
- What on earth are you doing?
We had the idea of training the infant
to interject the phrase, ''Kiss Tuppy''
whenever a piece of toffee
hove into view.
- Thought it might soften you up.
- Kiss Tuppy!
- You trained the baby to...
- Kiss Tuppy!
Oh, Hildebrand!
l've never heard anything so ridiculous!
Oh, you're such a fool.
(Boy) Kiss Tuppy!
- Just a...silly... silly idea...really.
- And l do love you.
Oh! Oh!
(Boy) Kiss Tuppy!
- Good work.
- (Bicycle bell)
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
We can't find Miss Wardour anywhere.
l wonder if she might be visiting
her old friends the Prysocks.
- Prysocks?
- The large white house on the right.
White. Right.
Perhaps you gentlemen
would be kind enough
to take something over there
for Mr Wooster?
- l say!
- Excuse us.
- What?
- We were asked to deliver this.
l thought there was one missing.
Just put him down.
- ls, er... Marion here?
- Who?
- Marion Wardour.
- Never heard of her.
You know! The singer!
We were told that...
May, l was...
- You!
- Aunt Agatha!
Faster, faster! We've lost them!
(Both) Aah!
Stop the car!
Claude! Eustace!
What is the meaning of this?
To think it took a little child
to bring us together!
l'll never eat a toffee again
without thinking of you, darling!
Too much sea air gets into the brain,
Jeeves.
Very true, sir.
(Tuppy) Wait a minute.
(Bertie) lt can't be!
(Both) Good God!
(Bertie) That's my Aunt Agatha!
(Tuppy) That's my soup!
- l demand to see Lucius Pim!
- Me too.
- Bertie!
- What are you doing here?
Why, l work here.
Lucius offered me a wonderful job.
Perhaps you or he can tell me
what my aunt's portrait is doing
all over the countryside.
And what about my soup?
You! l told you l never want
to see your ugly mug again.
Well, l like that!
What about the money you owe me?
l don't owe you
one goddamn red cent.
My wife looked up your
cockamamie soup in a cookbook.
lt's Cock-a-Leekie.
My nanny never wrote a cookbook.
She didn't have to.
lt's in every cookbook
from here to Vladivostok.
Oh, Hildebrand!
Elizabeth!
None of this alters the fact
that you used my painting.
That's nothing to do with me. That's
what l pay an advertising agent for.
Your butler suggested
l buy one of my fiancee's paintings...
- Wh-what fiancee?
- Gwladys and l are going to be married.
We wanted you to be
the first to know. Well, almost.
This time, you will go to South Africa.
And you will settle down and be
of no further worry to your poor mother!
- No, Aunt Agatha.
- We were led astray, Aunt Agatha.
Yes, there's some truth in that.
Your cousin has much to answer for.
Take your hats off!
lt was a dashed nerve,
selling my portrait of Aunt Agatha.
You mustn't be cross with Jeeves,
Bertie.
Look how brilliantly he got rid
of Claude and Eustace.
Yes, well. Tell me, how did you know
the kid belonged to the Prysocks?
The woman in the shop saw the child
in Mr Glossop's garden
and knowing the Prysocks, enquired
whether Mr Glossop was related.
And we're both better off
than poor Tuppy.
Serves him right,
him and his nanny's Cock-a-Leekie soup.
# You do something to Cock-a-Leekie
# Something to really mortify him
# You've made old Tuppy
feel quite peaky
# What can we do to fortify him? #
Brilliant.
# He'd lost sleep for that soup #
Er... Jeeves?
# At one fell swoop, the Slingsby group
# Knocked Mr Glossop for a loop, sir
# Cos you do
something to Cock-a-Leekie
# That's given old Tuppy croup #
Well, cheero!
# Soups do something to me
# Something that really mystifies me
- # Slingsby's, how can it be... #
- (Sniggering)
# You have the taste to tantalise me... #
- (Laughter)
- # l just live for your broth
# Life's not the same
since Slingsby's came
# You're a flame and l'm the moth
# Cos Slingsby's do something to soup
# That nobody else can do #
Bertie!
Bertie! Bertie!