Jeeves and Wooster (1990–1993): Season 1, Episode 1 - In Court After the Boat Race (or, Jeeves' Arrival) - full transcript

This is one of the most shameful cases

ever to come before this bench.

ln all my years as a magistrate

l have seldom heard a tale

of such heinous iniquity.

- l...l...
- Be quiet!

This parasite can think of no better way

to end an evening's hooliganism

on the night of the University Boat Race

Can our seats of learning
produce barbarians so lost to decency

that their highest ambition is to steal



a hard-working police constable's helmet
and make off with it?

- Uh...
- l find you guilty as charged,

Bertram Wilberforce Wooster,

and have no alternative but to fine you
the sum of five pounds.

Ah!

No buts, Wooster.

Ah! Ho...

No ifs.

Take him away.

- Ah...
- Away, l say!

We're 'ere, guv! Three bob.

Morning, Mr Wooster.

Thank you.

- (Doorbell)
- Uh!



(Doorbell)

(Muffled groan)

(Persistent ringing)

(Ringing continues)

l was sent by the agency, sir. l was given
to understand that you required a valet.

l...

Very good, sir.

Uh...

Mm.

Late night last night, sir?

- l...
- Mm-hm.

(Stirring)

lf you would drink this, sir.
lt's a preparation of my own invention.

Gentlemen have told me they find it
invigorating after a late evening.

l say! l...

l say! You're engaged!

Thank you, sir. My name is Jeeves.

l say, Jeeves, what an extraordinary
talent!

- Thank you, sir.
- Could one enquire what...

- l'm sorry, sir.
- No, no, of course not.

l'm not at liberty to divulge
the ingredients, sir.

No, of course.
Secrets of the Guild and all that.

- Precisely, sir.
- Mm

Ha!

# 47 ginger-headed sailors

# Coming home across the briny sea #

Oh, erm, l say! l say, hello!

Hello! l want to get in.

You'll have to come this way, l'm afraid.
We can't shift him.

Oh. l was hoping to have
a snifter before lunch.

- Sound idea!
- Anyone in the bar?

- Barmy Fotheringay Phipps!
- ls he?

Oofy Simpson
and Freddie Chalk-Marshall.

- The Wooster twins, of course.
- What, Eustace and Claude?

- You know them?
- They're my cousins.

- You must be Bertie Wooster.
- l am!

- l'm Rainsby.
- How do you do?

You'd better come in.

Well, novel, that!

lt's not right, Mr Wooster.

l'm the one the committee's
going to blame for this, you know.

They can't abide mooses, they can't.

Oh, l think it adds a certain whatsit.
(Sniffs)

- Come on, Rogers, do give me a hand.
- Oh.

Here we go. Dash on!

- Morning!
- Oh, hello, Bertie!

Snorty, if you're gonna play with them,
play, will you, blast you!

Bertie! Cousin Bertie!

Did you meet young Dog Face
on your way in?

l met a Rainsby
in the hall with a moose.

- Elk.
- Sorry.

- lt's a common enough mistake.
- lt was a mistake pinching it.

- Where did you steal it from?
- Don't know, some big museum.

- ln Kensington.
- l've never been to Kensington.

Hello, Barmy! Yes you have,
your mother lives there!

- Oh, that Kensington.
- What do you want it for?

- lt's for the Seekers.
- What are the Seekers?

lt's a club in Oxford.
Eustace and l are rather keen to get in.

Rainsby too. But you have to pinch
something to get elected.

Now, at lunch, you very decently were
going to volunteer to stand us.

Er, can't be done, l'm afraid. l've got to
have lunch with our Aunt Agatha.

Oh, no! Not the Nephew Crusher!

- Bertie!
- Aunt Agatha.

Young men like you make a person with
the future of the race at heart despair.

Oh, right.

Cursed with too much money, you just
waste your time on frivolous pleasures!

You are simply an antisocial animal.
A drone!

Bertie, you must marry!

(Laughs) Oh, l say, really! Aunt Agatha!

Will you be quiet?

(Dog whines)

There, Mclntosh!

You want someone strong,
self-reliant and sensible.

No, l don't.

To counteract the deficiencies
of your own character.

And by great good fortune,
l have found the very girl!

- Oh? Who is it?
- Roderick Glossop's daughter, Honoria.

- No!
- Don't be silly, Bertie!

- (Dog barks)
- Sit down and eat your luncheon!

(Dog barks repeatedly)

Oh, she is just the wife for you.

Oh, er, really, look here!

- She will mould you.
- l'm not a jelly!

And that is a matter of opinion.

Lady Glossop has very kindly invited
you to Ditteredge Hall for a few days.

l told her you would be delighted
to come down this afternoon.

Oh, what a pity!

l've got a dashed important
engagement this afternoon.

Nonsense! You will go
to Ditteredge Hall this afternoon!

(Sighs) Right.

Oh, Jeeves, we shall be going down
to Ditteredge this afternoon,

- Can you manage that?
- Yes, sir. Will we be travelling by train?

By train, yes.
People by the name of Glossop.

ls that Sir Roderick Glossop,
the nerve specialist, sir?

- That's the one.
- Very good. Which suit, sir?

- Oh, this one, l should think.
- Very good, sir.

- Don't you like this suit, Jeeves?
- Oh yes, sir.

Huh!

What don't you like about this suit,
Jeeves?

- lt's a very nice suit, sir.
- What's wrong with it? Out with it!

lf l might suggest,
if we are to travel by train,

perhaps a simple, brown Harris Tweed
such as this might be more appropriate.

Oh, that's absolute rot, Jeeves!

- Pah!
- Very good, sir.

- Perfectly blithering, my dear man! Huh!
- Just as you say, sir.

- Yes. All right then.
- Yes, sir.

Jeeves, l have to make
one thing crystal clear.

Yes, sir?

l am not one of those fellows who
become absolute slaves to their valets.

No, sir.

Very well. Just as long as
we understand each other.

Perfectly, sir.

(Whistle blows)

(Glass smashes)

l say!

Oh! Steady on!

ls that Bingo Little?

Me? Yes. That's not Bertie Wooster?

lt is! l haven't seen you for ages, Bingo!

- l've been living in the country.
- Really? Whereabouts?

Here, in fact.

- Why? You hate the country.
- l got a job tutoring the Glossop kid.

- What do you want to do that for?
- Money, Bertie! Moolah, spondulicks!

Oh, well, yes.

The only one of the family
l know is the girl, Honoria.

- Oh, Bertie!
- What?

l worship her, Bertie, l worship the very
ground she treads on, a tender goddess!

- Big girl? Sporty?
- Strong and upright and wonderful!

Well yes, as a matter of... Wait a minute!

- Have you told her?
- Not yet, l haven't got the nerve.

We walk together in the gardens
most evenings

and it sometimes seems to me
there's a look in her eye.

Yes, l know that look. Like a sergeant
major.

- ls that the kid?
- Yes, he's fishing.

l'll introduce you if you like.

This is Oswald. Bertie Wooster.

Well, well, Oswald, how are you?

- All right.
- Nice place, this.

- lt's all right.
- Like fishing, do you?

lt's all right.

- Why don't you shove him in?
- ln the water?

- Wake him up a bit.
- She'd never forgive me.

She's devoted to the little brute.

Great Scott! l've got it! Listen, Bingo,
Honoria's away, isn't she?

She's coming back tomorrow.
She's coming, my love, my own...

Yes, fine, but you still want
to make a hit with her, don't you, Bingo?

- Yes!
- Bless you, my child. You can do it!

- How, Bertie, how?
- lt's very simple.

(Laughter)

lt's all in the wrist action,

you've got to get the flip forward first
and disengage the chin strap.

That's where Barmy Fothringay-Phipps
went wrong on New Year's Eve.

- ls that a person?
- Barmy? Well, there's some dispute.

Ha, ha! But what he did was
to pull straight back on the helmet

and the policeman came with it.

But he must have been hurt!

Barmy? No, just a couple of bruises.

l think my wife was referring
to the policeman.

No, no, no, no! Not a bit of it!
They enjoy it. Like foxes!

- Foxes?
- How they enjoy being hunted.

- Oh yes.
- But foxes are vermin, Mr Wooster.

Nasty, cunning creatures. Like cats.

(Lord Glossop) Lady Glossop
and l dislike cats.

(Lady Glossop) We hate them!
Nasty, cruel beasts!

(Lord Glossop) Now let me try
to understand, Mr Wooster.

Policemen, you say, enjoy
having their helmets stolen?

Well, yes. l think they try and enter into
the spirit of the thing, don't you think?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

- But what is the point of it?
- Point?

Er, well, it's tradition really,

it's part of the rich tapestry
of our island's story, it's, um..

Completely stupid!

You mustn't be rude, Oswald.

No, no, that's all right.
He's young. He'll learn.

(Bertie) What sort of a day is it, Jeeves?

Extremely clement, sir. With the promise
of further fine weather to come.

Excellent! Just the sort of day for
pushing cheeky blighters off bridges!

l couldn't say, sir.

Shall l lay out our grey flannel trousers
and the checked sports coat?

Er... Yes, yes, yes.

l expect you're wondering what
l meant by that last remark, eh?

l should be most interested to know, sir.

Yeah, well, right, well,
l've had rather a stunning idea, Jeeves.

- lndeed, sir?
- You see, my friend Bingo Little is...

well, more than a little smitten
with the daughter of the house.

- Miss Honoria Glossop, sir?
- Yes, Jeeves, Miss Honoria Glossop.

How do you know about Honoria
Glossop?

There was some discussion
in the servants' hall last evening, sir.

l'm given to understand
she is a healthy young lady, sir.

Yes, well, erm, that's a very good
way of putting it, Jeeves.

Thank you, sir. And, er...
Mr Little is enamoured of her, sir?

lndeed he is. The trouble is, the poor sap
can't bring himself to pop the question.

- A common enough predicament, sir.
- Well, possibly, Jeeves.

Your employer, fired by the fact that Aunt
Agatha has me earmarked for Honoria,

unless l can lay her off
onto someone else,

has come up with
a foolproof solution to the problem.

This is very gratifying news, sir.

Yes, well, we thought so, Bingo and l,
yes.

What it is, is this.

Miss Glossop's young brother,
Oswald, is by way of being

- the apple of his sister's eye.
- Human nature is very mysterious, sir.

Yeah, well, my thoughts precisely.

Anyway, my plan is to lure Honoria
to the vicinity of the bridge

and then push the little blighter
into the lake!

Mr Little will then pop out from the
bulrushes where he's been waiting,

rescue Oswald, and have undying love
showered upon him by a grateful sister.

Ahem.

What's the matter, Jeeves?

l couldn't advise it, sir.

Couldn't advise it?
What do you mean, couldn't advise it?

lt's just my opinion, sir,

but, your plan has too many
imponderables.

No, no. Only Oswald's
going to be imponderable.

(Giggles) lm-pond-erable!

Thank you, sir, yes. Ahem.

And if l might say so, sir,

any undertaking that requires
the presence

of four people in one place
at the same time

while two of them are unaware
of the fact,

is fraught with the possibility
of mishap, sir.

Oh, balderdash, Jeeves!
Not to say, flapdoodle!

Very good, sir.

When you've been a little longer in my
employ, you will come to understand

all my chums rely heavily on my wisdom
and knowledge of human nature

- in the conduct of their affairs.
- Just as you say.

Not to mention my organisational
powers and just plain...

thingness.

Will that be all, sir?

Yes, that'll be all, thank you. Just, erm...

No, that'll be all, thank you, Jeeves.

Very good, sir.

- Good morning, Mr Wooster!
- Good morning, Lady Glossop!

- Do sit down.
- Oh. Mm.

l, er, was looking for Oswald.

Oswald? He's probably getting ready
to go fishing, l should think.

- At least, l hope so!
- You hope so?

Yes, well, fishing's
a good healthy pursuit for a young lad.

Character building, battling against
the forces of Mother Nature!

Hugh Potter once asked Boko Fittleworth
to his place for some fly-fishing.

Boko couldn't fathom why anyone would
want to catch flies!

Still, that's Boko for you.

Do you always breakfast
at this hour, Mr Wooster?

Oh, good Lord, no, no, no!
Only if l get up early.

Sir Roderick was on his way
to London at eight o'clock.

Really?

He had an urgent call
from the Bishop of Hackney.

Ah! The old Bish got a few pages
stuck together, did he?

My husband is not
in the book trade, Mr Wooster,

he is a well-known nerve specialist.

Yes, that's what l said. And dashed
interesting work it must be too!

Do you...work, Mr Wooster?

- What, work, as in honest toil?
- Yes.

Hewing the wood and drawing
the old wet stuff and so forth?

Quite.

l've known a few people who worked,
absolutely swear by it, some of them.

- But...
- Boko Fittleworth almost had a job once.

Who is this Boko Fittleworth
you keep talking about?

- Boko? You don't know Boko?
- No.

Good Lord,
l thought everybody knew Boko!

l do not.

Looks like a parrot with the moult. No?

No.

Once put his shirt on Silly Billy
to win the Cesarewich

and Lady of Spain beat him by a nose.

l have never met Boko Fittleworth.

l couldn't recommend it anyway,
he's an acquired taste, Boko.

At least that's what his mother says!

You were telling me
how he once got a job.

Boko's got an uncle in the City,
brokes stocks or something like that,

he offered Boko a job
and he accepted it.

l don't think either of them can have
been firing on all cylinders at the time.

Anyway, chaos obviously ensued until
Boko saw sense and gave it all up.

We had to take it turns to go round
and sit with him until he'd calmed down.

How would you...ever support a wife,
Mr Wooster?

Well, it depends on whose wife it was.

A bit of gentle pressure
beneath the left elbow

when crossing a busy street
normally fills the bill!

- Bertie!
- Bingo!

- She telephoned!
- She phoned you, eh?

That's good, isn't it?
Shows a friendly spirit.

She didn't phone me exactly, l picked the
phone up because l was standing by it.

- What did she say?
- ''Let me talk to someone with a brain.''

- Ah!
- But it was friendly, the way she said it.

- (Giggling) Ow!
- Go and start your Latin!

- Did she say what time she'd be back?
- ln about an hour, she said.

- And when was that?
- About an hour ago.

She's bringing a friend, Daphne
Braithwaite.

- Very well then, 12 o'clock.
- What?

- 12 o'clock, the bridge, Oswald!
- Oh, right, yes.

We're still on for that then, are we?

Yes. You still want to bring
Honoria to her knees, don't you?

Oh, Bertie,
she's such a wonderful person.

Yes, fine, so, 12 o'clock, you be hidden
in the bulrushes by the bridge.

- Oh, Bertie, do you really think...
- l'll see you later.

(Sighs)

- Leave the bags, Birkett can get them.
- (Sounds horn)

Birkett!

Come inside. l want to show you
some of the things l shot last week.

Hello, Honoria!

Oh, it's that Bertie Wooster.
What's he doing here?

What are you doing here, Bertie?

Oh, you know. This and that. Hither and
yon.

- This is my friend, Daphne Braithwaite.
- How do you do?

- Bertie's a wastrel.
- Oh, goody!

That's what his Aunt Agatha says.

Come on, Daphne!

See you later... Bertie.

Oh, will l? Yes.

Yes, er, see you later, Daphne.

- Oh, l say! Honoria!
- What?

- Erm, will you come for a walk with me?
- What?

You know...a walk.

Birkett, the bags. What for?

- Well, l want to tell you something.
- Really? Now?

No, no, in about half an hour.

- Right.
- No, that's when...that's when.

That's when.

- ln about 20 minutes, by the bridge.
- Why in 20 minutes?

lt'll be better then.

Hello, Mummy. l'm back.

Did you have a nice time
at the Braithwaites', dear?

Lovely, yes!
l've brought Daphne back with me.

Close the door a moment, Honoria.

Come and sit down.

- l have been talking to Mr Wooster.
- Yes, l saw him.

-What's he doing here?
- Mrs Gregson sent him.

What on earth for? He doesn't shoot.

- He doesn't hunt.
- lt is your birthday next week, Honoria.

l hope she didn't send him
down as a present!

You will be 24.

- Oh, no!
- lt is a good family, Honoria.

Oh, honestly, Mummy,
he doesn't work, even!

He told me this morning
he has been thinking about work.

He is not all your father and l
would have hoped for for you, l agree,

but surely you could make
something of him?

ls he keen at all?

Oh, l'm sure he is!

You know how these young men
try to hide their feelings.

Keep still, you ass, she'll see you!

- (Sniffing)
- Don't sniff! Right, here she comes.

(Snuffles)

Ah!

- Well?
- Yes, l was just thinking.

- What?
- Yes, this may sound a bit rummy,

but there is someone here
who is frightfully in love with you,

and...and so forth.

- A friend of mine, as a matter of fact.
- Well, why doesn't he say so?

Simply hasn't got the nerve.
Worships the ground you tread on,

but just can't whack up the ginger
to tell you.

- This is very interesting.
- ls it?

- Mm.
- Yes, well, that's the posish.

- So just bear it in mind, eh?
- Oh, Bertie, how funny you are!

l wish you wouldn't make all that row!
You're scaring the fish away.

Oswald, don't sit on the bridge like that!

- (Scoffs)
- He might easily fall in.

Might he? Oh, well, l'll go and tell him.

Hello! Fishing, eh?

Hey, watch out!

(Screams)

- Oswald!
- Er, help!

- (Ducks quacking)
- Help him!

- Help!
- What are you doing?

- Help!
- (Yapping)

- Right!
- (Yapping)

Oswald! Os...

Oswald!

Yes! Go! Yes!

l'll stay here. l'll...

(Gasps)

- Yes, l...
- Oswald!

Oswald! Are you all right?

He pushed me! He's mad!

Now run along and change your clothes!

Honoria, l...

Oh, Bertie, you are funny!

First proposing to me
in that roundabout way

and then pushing poor Oswald
into the lake

- so as to impress me by saving him!
- No, no, no!

Now run up and change your clothes
before you catch your death of cold!

- No, no!
- Go on!

Oh, Bertie!

Bertie! Just the man l wanted to see!

Bertie, a wonderful thing has happened!

- You blighter! What became of you?
- Your clothes are all wet!

Bertie, l was on my way
to hide in the rushes

when the most
extraordinary thing happened!

Walking across the lawn l saw the most
radiant and beautiful girl in the world!

We started to talk. Her name was Daphne
Braithwaite, our eyes met and l knew

that what l imagined to be my love for
Honoria Glossop was a passing whim!

Daphne's so wonderful, Bertie,
like a tender goddess!

She's so sympathetic, Bertie. Daphne!

And her handicap's only six!

lt's funny how these things turn out,
don't you think, Jeeves?

- lndeed, sir.
- Before Bingo's under starter's orders,

there he is, falling in love
with this blessed six-handicapper.

Still, at least it means he's been
saved from the frightful Honoria.

True, sir, but if l might say so, sir,

at a cost to yourself which might have
caused other, lesser men to blench.

Oh, come, Jeeves.

Slight dousing is no more than a chap
might do for any chap under the circs.

lt was not the dousing to which l was
referring, sir, but to the engagement.

Engagement?

l was downstairs a few moments ago, sir,
and could not help but overhear

Miss Glossop announcing
your engagement to her.

- ls it getting chilly in here, Jeeves?
- No, sir.

Oh, must be my imagination.

(Laughter)

Bertie was so sweet,
Mrs Gregson, and so funny!

l find it difficult to envisage.

l shall be able to make
something of him, l'm sure.

Well, he's had a completely
wasted life up to the present.

- l say!
- Oh, be quiet, Bertie.

- There's a lot of good in him.
- There isn't, actually.

lt simply wants bringing out.

lt's time l took you in hand, Bertie-Wertie.

- You want someone to look after you.
- No, l don't, really, l don't.

Yes, you do!

- Bye-bye. Goodbye, Mrs Gregson!
- Goodbye!

- Bertie.
- Yes, Aunt Agatha.

Dear Honoria doesn't know it,

but a little difficulty has arisen
about your marriage.

- By Jove, really?
- lt's nothing, only a little exasperating.

The fact is the Glossops
are being a little troublesome.

- Sir Roderick particularly so.
- Thinks l'm not a good bet, eh?

Wants to scratch the fixture.
Well, perhaps he's right.

Pray, don't be so absurd, Bertie!
lt's nothing as serious as that.

A nerve specialist
with his extensive practice

can hardly help taking
a rather warped view of humanity.

You mean, he thinks l've got
fewer marbles than advertised?

Oh, no, no, no!

Well, he just wants
to satisfy himself that you are...

completely normal.

Well, of all the blessed nerve!
l mean, l'm not a chap to take offence...

So, l have said that you will give them
dinner this evening.

Well, if he thinks l'm a raving loony...

No, don't be silly, Bertie.

And remember -
the Glossops drink no wine.

Yes, Aunt Agatha, l remember.

And Sir Roderick can eat only

the simplest of foods
owing to an impaired digestion.

l should think a dog biscuit and a glass
of water would about meet the case.

Bertie!

That is precisely the sort of
idiotic remark

that would be calculated to arouse
Sir Roderick's strongest suspicions.

He is a very serious-minded man.

The Duke of Ramfurline's house, Bennet.

- Well done, Claude!
- My hat!

# Where did you get that hat?
Where did you get that hat? #

(Doorbell)

- You're not Bertie.
- He's better looking than Bertie.

- Very kind of you, sir.
- We're his cousins. l'm Claude Wooster.

- l'm Eustace Wooster.
- l'm not his cousin, l'm Rainsby.

l'm delighted to meet you,
won't you come in, please?

- What's your name?
- Jeeves, sir. l'm Mr Wooster's new valet.

- The last one used to pinch his socks.
- Mr Wooster is not in,

but l'm sure he'd like me
to offer you some refreshment.

That's jolly decent of him, Jeeves.

He has some Bollinger '27
which is particularly fine.

Be a shame to let it go off!

- Jeeves!
- Yes, sir.

We've got some things down in the taxi
we want to take back to Oxford tonight.

But the last train's not till 10:10.

l say, are we invited to dinner?

l regret not, sir.

Anyway, we were going to ask
Cousin Bertie

if we could leave some things
here until the train.

l'm sorry, sir, l should have to ask
Mr Wooster's permission first.

What manner of things might they be,
sir?

- A top hat.
- A fish.

And a couple of cats, of course.

Cats, sir? Perhaps Mr Wooster
would not object.

- Well done, Jeeves!
- Thank you.

- Dog Face, go and bring the stuff up.
- Right!

Where is Bertie, anyway?

He had an important meeting
with Mr Fotheringay Phipps, sir.

Barmy Fotheringay Phipps?

l believe that is the sobriquet, sir, yes.

Has the lQ of a backward clam?

l understand that fellow members
of the Drones Club

consider him a dangerous intellectual,
sir.

That's the one!

Mr Wooster informed me
that he is attending

the weekly meeting
of the Drones Club fine arts committee.

No. Seven.

Four.

- What's a king count as?
- Ten.

- What's a ten count as, then?
- Ten.

Tens and all picture cards count as ten.

How long have you been playing
this game, Barmy?

About an hour and a quarter.

Anyhow, that's a leaner.
Leaners only count half.

- Oh!
- Oh, good shot, Bertie!

Well, my game, l think.

You've not scored 100 yet, have you?

- 500.
- l thought we were playing to 100.

Another drink at the bar?

No, l've people coming to dinner.
Toodle-pip!

- (All) Bye!
- What do sevens count as?

(# Jazz piano)

(Bertie) # This is a story
about Minnie the Moocher

# She was a low-down hoochie-coocher

# She was the roughest, toughest frail

# But Minnie had a heart as big as a
whale

# Ho de ho de ho de ho
(Lower-pitched) Ho de ho de ho de ho

# Ra de ra de ra
Ra de ra de ra

# Tee de hee de hee de hee
Tee de hee de hee

# But Minnie had a heart
as big as a whale #

You know, l can't help feeling, Jeeves,

l could do better justice to this song
if l understood the words.

Oh, l doubt that, sir.

All this ''ho de ho de ho'' stuff is
pretty clear,

but what is a ''hoochie-coocher'',
exactly?

lt's difficult to say, sir,

unless it's connecte to a demotic
American word for ''ardent spirits''.

l'm thinking of ''hooch'',
a word of Eskimo origin, l'm informed.

Tsk! You bally well are informed, Jeeves.

Do you know everything?

l really don't know, sir.

Hm. Erm..

# She had a dream about
the King of Sweden

# He gave her things that she was
needin' #

No, you see, now that is clever, Jeeves.

Really, sir?

That line about the King of Sweden
and things she was needin'.

Yes, King Gustav does seem to have
been generous to the young lady, sir.

No, no, no! l meant the fact that
it rhymes - ''Sweden'', ''needin'''.

Almost, sir.

# He gave her a home built of gold
and steel

# A platinum car with
diamond-studded wheels

# Ho de ho de ho de ho... # Ahem.

l say, Jeeves,
could you lend a hand here?

- Very good, sir.
- lt's difficult, being just the one of me.

lt's a sort of call and response thing.
l sing, ''ho de ho de ho'',

and you have to go, ''ho de ho de ho''
back.

- Do you understand?
- l think so, sir.

Right, let's try it.
# Ho de ho de ho de ho #

Ho de ho de ho...sir.

# Ra de ra de ra #

Ra de ra de ra, sir.

# Tee de hee de hee #

Tee de hee de hee, sir.

Yes, l don't mean to be overly critical,
Jeeves. l know you're doing your best.

Thank you, sir.

But perhaps we can dispense with the
''sir'' at the end of every line.

lt shows the proper feudal spirit and all,

but it does play merry hell
with the rhythm of the thing.

- Very good, sir.
- All right.

- # Ho de ho de ho #
- Ho de ho de ho.

- # Tee de hee de hee #
- Tee de hee de hee.

# But Minnie had a heart
as big as a whale #

Do you think l ought to sing Minnie The
Moocher to the Glossops this evening?

l shouldn't think it advisable, sir. l've not
heard that Sir Roderick is musical.

Ah no, but Lady Glossop is.

There is also that to be considered, sir.

What are you giving us
for dinner tonight?

Consomme, sir. A cutlet and a savoury.
And some lemon squash - iced.

l don't see how that can harm them.

Just don't get carried away
and start bringing in coffee.

- Very good, sir.
- (Doorbell)

Right. Stand by, Jeeves!

Ha! Thinks l'm barmy, does he?

- We'll show him, eh, Jeeves?
- lndubitably, sir.

Just don't let your eyes go glassy,

or you'll find yourself in a padded cell
before you know where you are.

What ho! What ho! What ho!

- Good evening, Mr Wooster.
- Good evening, Jeeves.

(Jeeves) Evening, Lady Glossop.

We're a little late, l'm afraid.

Sir Roderick was detained
at the Duke of Ramfurline's.

Ramfurline?
Yes, he's off his rocker, isn't he?

Nothing is seriously wrong with His
Grace.

lt's merely unfortunate that his footman
forgot his sugar this morning.

- Sugar?
- He likes a lump of sugar first thing.

His Grace is under the impression
that he is a canary.

Oh, well, a mistake anyone might make.

And as he didn't get his sugar,

he flew into a temper
and tried to perch on the picture rail.

Well, it's not unreasonable.

l rather feel like that in the mornings
when l don't get my tea.

Er, righto, shall we go straight in, then?
Very good.

Er, now, if l sit in the middle,

Lady Glossop, would you like
to sit on my right?

And Sir Roderick on my left.

ls that right? No, wait a minute.

Perhaps Lady Glossop
ought to sit in the middle.

She's the only lady. Then we can
sit either side. Shall we try that?

Yes, Lady Glossop in the middle.

Yes...if you'd like to go on the other side,
Sir Roderick. And l'll sit here.

No, wait a minute, that's not right.

Sir Roderick ought to sit in the middle.

He's the only knight, distinguished gent!

All right. We're getting there!

Sir Roderick here. Yes.
lf l can just squeeze past.

Er, no, hold on. Hold on.

Can't have husband and wife sitting
together. l'll sit in the middle,

Sir Roderick on that side
and Lady Glossop on this side.

lf you wouldn't mind. There we go.

Hold on, we're back where we started
now.

- Mr Wooster!
- Hello!

Let us sit down!

Oh, right, yes, good idea! Yes.

Phew! l'm worn out!

- Lemon squash?
- No, thanks.

- No? Sir Roderick?
- Thank you.

l say, that soup
doesn't look at all bad, does it?

Thank you, sir.

So, Sir Roderick, this Ramfurline fellow,

does he get dressed up in yellow
feathers?

- Well...
- l would if l thought l was a canary.

Pretty Polly!

l'm jolly interested in people
who get the jim-jams,

because some of my best friends...

- Hush!
- (Cat miaows)

- Do you keep a cat, Mr Wooster?
- A cat? No.

l had the distinct impression
l heard a cat mewing,

either in this room or very close at hand.

No, it's probably a taxi
or something in the street.

A taxi, Mr Wooster?

Yes, well, taxis squawk a bit, don't they?

- Squawk?
- Yes, rather like cats in a way.

Lady Glossop and l have
a particular horror of cats!

Oh well, there you go, then.
l don't much like taxis.

My husband had an unfortunate
experience

with a taxi only this afternoon.

lndeed l did. l was about to be driven
to the Duke of Ramfurline's house...

Or cage, as l expect he likes to call it!

Anyway, l was sitting innocently
in my car

when my hat was snatched
from my head.

As l looked back,
l perceived it being waved

in a kind of feverish triumph
from the interior of a taxicab!

Huh! What an extraordinary thing!

Must've been some sort
of practical joke, l suppose.

l confess l fail to detect anything
akin to comedy in the outrage.

The action was without question
that of a mentally unbalanced subject.

- (Cat miaows)
- Mr Wooster!

What is the meaning of this?

- Eh?
- There is a cat close at hand.

- lt is not in the street!
- Look, l have not got a cat, l tell you.

All right, l'll get Jeeves in here.

(Cat miaows)

- There!
- l can't bear it! l simply can't bear it!

No, look, it must be Jeeves.

- Jeeves?
- You called, sir?

Er... were you making a noise like a cat?

No, sir. Will that be all, sir?

No, it will jolly well not be all, Jeeves.
Are there any cats in the flat?

Only the three in your bedroom, sir.

- (Gasps)
- What do you mean, only the three?

The black one, sir, the tabby
and the small lemon-coloured animal.

No, no, look, l have not got a cat!

l have never had a cat.
l had a dog once, called Melba.

She used to sit by the fire.
Don't run away!

- (Shrieks)
- No, no!

lt's all right, my dear.
Stand back, sir, stand back, l'm armed!

l fancy the animals might have become
somewhat exhilarated

upon discovering the fish
in Mr Wooster's bedroom.

- Fish? ln his bedroom?
- Fish?

Be brave, Delia! My coat, sir!

Look, l'll prove it to you, l'll prove
there are no cats in my bedroom.

- (Cats miaow)
- (Shrieks)

You're mad, l knew it,
you're out of your mind, sir!

- Your hat, Sir Roderick.
- Yes, l didn't have a hat.

This is the hat that you
snatched from my head!

He did it, Roderick! He stole your hat!

Back slowly towards the door, Delia,

don't make any sudden movements
or do anything that might excite him!

- Oh, now look here!
- Back, sir! Back, you devil!

l'll see if l can recover our umbrella, sir.

(Doorbell)

l say, those weren't my cats l saw
legging it down the stairs, were they?

And what were they doing in my
bedroom?

Your man whatshisname
said it would be all right.

- Oh, he did, did he?
- l was just coming to collect them.

Well, they've dashed well gone.

Oh, well, can't be helped, l suppose.

- What was it for, The Seachers?
- Seekers, yes.

l'll take the hat and the fish anyway.

l'm afraid the cats have eaten the fish.

They wouldn't eat a hat, though!

No, the chap you pinched it from was
dining here tonight. He took it with him.

No cats, no fish, no hat.

Well, sorry, but there you are.

- Well, thank you. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

l say, l hate to ask you, you couldn't lend
me a tenner, could you?

- A tenner, what for?
- l've got to bail Claude and Eustace out.

- They've been arrested.
- Arrested?

They got a bit above themselves,
l'm afraid. Tried to pinch a bus!

And they expect me to provide
ten pounds to bail them out?

They did rather, yes.

You realise that the people who dined
here were my prospective in-laws?

No, l didn't, actually. Congratulations.

Well, because of you, they've gone away
believing me to be a certifiable lunatic

and determined that l shall never...

marry... their daughter.

Oh, frightfully sorry.

Tell you what,
why don't we make it 20 pounds?

You can bail 'em out and buy 'em a drink
before you pour them onto the train.

- That's jolly decent of you!
- Don't say a word. No, really. l insist.

Thank you.

(Sighs)

- This was all your doing, wasn't it?
- Sir?

You worked it all,
didn't you, with the Glossops?

lf you'll pardon the liberty, sir,

l doubt if the young lady would have
been entirely suitable for you.

And what a wheeze, you knowing all
about the Glossops' horror of moggies!

l must say, Jeeves,
you are a bit of a marvel.

Very good of you to say so, sir.

- Will that be all, sir?
- Yes, thank you, Jeeves, yes.

Breakfast at the usual hour, sir?

Yes, thank you, Jeeves. Good night.

Good night, sir.