Jean-Claude Van Johnson (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 4 - If You're Lucky - full transcript

JCVD explores whether time is a flat circle or more of a tetrahedron. Filip becomes trapped in a nightmare of his own making. Vanessa confronts the pain of her past, and Luis stares into ...



(WHOOSHING)

(ECHOING PING)

(WHOOSHING)

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)

Drinks on me!

(CHEERING)



Chris.

Mmm.

You ever want to jerk
off with that hand again,



- I suggest you get it off my ass.
- (SNARLS)

I like when you talk dirty.

Keep doing it.

(GRUNTING)

MEN: Oh!

MAN: Fuckin' bitch!

Fuck you, man!

♪ Who the hell you think you are? ♪



I've got it from here.

(SIGHS)

Your mother was cleaning your room.

She found the copies of
Guns & Ammo under the bed.

I know you have certain
urges... it's natural...



but you can't let it get
in the way of your gift.

Sir, I don't want to be an
electrical engineer, sir.

It's not my passion, sir.

You need to face reality.

You're never gonna do what I do.

- Because I'm a girl.
- No.

Because you're too damn smart.

Your brothers, they
could slice a man in half

and then go out for ice
cream... that's not you.

Which is exactly why I
should do what you do.

Instead of them.

I've decided.

I'm signing up.

Go ahead... and I'll make damn sure

that you spend your whole
career swabbing toilets.

Someday you'll realize
that I'm doing you a favor.

You're not built to do what I do.



We got to disarm that thing.

Before Dragan finds us.

(GASPS) It's too late.

Knife.

JC, I need a weapon.

You're looking at it.

Come on!

(GRUNTING)

(BONES CRACK)



(VANESSA GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(CHOKING)

(GRUNTING)

(GASPING)

(VANESSA CHOKING)

(GASPING)

(GUN COCKS)

(GASPING)

(ECHOING): No... !

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)



(TASER ZAPPING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN BULGARIAN)

MAN (OVER RADIO): Copy that.

WOMAN: It's Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Good evening, ladies.

WOMAN: Oh, he's so handsome.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- ♪

♪ 'Cause if you're not ♪

♪ Really here ♪

(GLASSES CLINK)

♪ Then I don't want to be either ♪

♪ I want to be next to you ♪

♪ Black and gold, black and gold ♪

♪ Black and gold ♪

♪ Mmm, mmm ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ I look up into the night sky... ♪

You're late.

And you are as beautiful as I remember.

(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS)

Hmm.

Go upstairs.

Second room on the
right, there's a balcony.

When this turns red,

toss it over the edge.

What does this have to
do with rescuing Luis?

(VANESSA EXHALES)

Just trust me.

JC.

Hey, Victor.

- Good to see you.
- How are you?

I'm good. You know, since my
flight out isn't till next week,

I've had the opportunity
to explore Bulgaria.

Such a fascinating country.

- Incredible people.
- Always turning lemons into lemonade.

It will serve you well.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

It's good to see you, brother.

Oh, word of advice:

Take the role in the musical.

Always listen to the PR people.

And don't forget to thank your father.



(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(CROWD WHISTLING, CHEERING)

- That was lovely.
- Yeah! (LAUGHS)

Yes!

KRISZTINA: Oh. Go get 'em, baby.

Ooh.

Hi, guys.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Hello.

- Hi. Hi.
- Hello. Hello.

My friends.

(WHOOPING, CHEERING)

Are you enjoying my party?

(CHEERING)

You know, when I was beautiful,
beautiful little boy...

I used to love

to sneak into our town's theater

to watch American action movies.

CROWD: Yeah!

Yes.

And I learned two things:

to speak the proper English...

... and, more importantly,

they taught me how life really works.

- (CROWD CHEERS, LAUGHS)
- MAN: Fuckin' truth, truth.

- Truth.
- DRAGAN: You know, you know.

Absolutely.

You know what I mean.

Two years ago,

I told United Morris Agency

that I would...

finance a movie.

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Would you like to see a little taste

of what we've been making?

- Yes! Yes!
- (APPLAUSE)

Roll it. Roll it.

MAN: Roll that shit!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

JEAN-CLAUDE: I pledge allegiance...

to kicking ass.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

This is for freedom, justice,

and the Huckleberry way.

Huck, help me!

Come closer, closer!

Huck!

WOMAN: You can't defeat the Confederacy

and end slavery all by yourself.

Maybe not, but I will have to try.

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(MAN SPEAKING BULGARIAN) _

_

_

(GUNSHOTS)

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

Fuck yes!

This shit's so hot.

That was close, C-word Jim.

Ah-so, Huck-san.

(LAUGHTER)

NARRATOR: This summer,

it's time to get Hucked!

- (THUNDER RUMBLES)
- A film by Gunnar.

- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
- What the fuck?!

Move, move! Move! (GROANS)

You're welcome.



(DEVICE BEEPS)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

DRAGAN: Exciting, huh?

Tom Sawyer like you've
never seen her before.

(LAUGHTER)

A movie can be exciting, sure.

But it cannot be exciting

without a real movie star.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the muscles from Brussels,
Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(WHOOPS)

Thank you.

(SPEAKING BULGARIAN) _

_

(GAS HISSING)

_

_

Jean-Claude, come up, my friend.

Come up.

Jean-Claude! Jean-Claude...

CROWD (CHANTING):
Jean-Claude! Jean-Claude...

No, thank you.

Jean-Claude, yes, yes.

Come up, come up, come up.

No, thank you.

(DEVICE BEEPS)

DRAGAN: I... I mean it.

Jean-Claude, come up.

No.

(DEVICE HUMMING)

(GAS HISSING)

(DEVICE BEEPING RAPIDLY)

BOTH: Fuck!

(SHOUTING, SCREAMING)

What the fuck?! What the...

Get out of the way!

Vanessa... you can come out.

How'd you know I was there?

And what the hell was that ball?

Don't have time to explain.

No, we're supposed to be partners.

You know I don't like it
when you just tell me to...

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

This was always my favorite part...

the quiet before the storm.

Oh, uh...

VANESSA: Luis!

Wait. Wait!

It's booby trapped.

LUIS: He's right.

This platform is calibrated
to my exact weight.

If it changes one ounce
more, one ounce less,

the mines will explode,
and I'll be vaporized.

We need to disarm that thing

before Dragan realizes where we are.

It's too late.

(DOOR LOCKS)

Knife.

Come on.

(CHOKING)

(GRUNTING)

(STRAINING)

(BOTH GROANING)

(SHOUTING)

(EXHALES SLOWLY)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BONES CRACK)

(NECK SNAPS)

(KISSES)

(VANESSA BREATHING SHAKILY)

(SIGHS)

You had no choice.

- I know.
- (SOFTLY): Okay.

Does it always feel like this?

If you're lucky.

I have a plan.

I jump on, you jump off.

LUIS: I told you,

this platform is calibrated
to my exact weight.

You jump on here, you die.

They gave you a sandwich today.

Did you eat it?

No.

Then we weigh exactly the same amount.

I've been dieting.

Trust me.

Okay.

One...

two...

three.

(GASPS)

Huh.

Gracias.

How did you do that?

(DOOR OPENS)

- (DOOR LOCKS)
- Vanessa.

Thank God. I'm so sorry.

Someone Tasered me and locked
me in the trunk of a car.

Ah!

Filip?

Is that you?

Not this time.

Then who?

I'm you from the future.

And I'm here to correct

a grave error.

(GASPING IN SLOW MOTION)

JEAN-CLAUDE: No!

A timecop?

Something like that.

If you're really me from the future,

tell me something that,
uh, only I would know.

You tried to fill the
emptiness with fame.

It didn't work.

You have a big hole in your heart

because you don't think that...

... you will ever be loved.

(GASPS SOFTLY)

Will I... be loved?

I hope so.

(DOOR OPENS)

(FILIP GROANING)

- (DOOR LOCKS)
- Aah!

Oh!

- You.
- Aah!

There you are.

You killed all my friends.

You sprained my neck, buddy.

And then you tied me to a tree

deep in the woods.

Deep in the woods!

Aah!

Filip, stop.

- Oh.
- ♪

(BABBLING EXCITEDLY)

Timecop.

(SIGHS)

Timecop!

Timepoliceman, technically.

Excuse me?

TIMECOP JEAN-CLAUDE: Uh...

Timecops don't exist.

(BABBLES)

No.

(FILIP GROWLS)

(YELLS)

(VANESSA SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

- Take the shot.
- What shot?

I don't have the shot.

But he does.

(SCALE BEEPING)

(BEEPING RAPIDLY)

Oh, shit.

(YELLS)

(KRISZTINA SCREAMS)

They found the control room.

Get me Meni Mano.

(GROANING)

(PANTING)

- You okay?
- Yeah.

- Uh-huh.
- (GROANS)

- Ooh.
- VANESSA (SOFTLY): Yeah.

- (PANTING)
- You killed your future self.

Oh.

Huh.

Then I'm a looper.

At least you know how you die.

Oh.

(GASPS)

(DEVICE POWERING UP)

- Wait!
- (GRUMBLES)

Oh.

It's the only way to save my friends

and to save me... from you.

- Oh.
- No.

From you!

Aah!

- (VANESSA GASPS)
- Oh!

- (GRUNTS)
- (VANESSA EXHALES)

He's a timecop.

And now...

Now, that... now,
that's Filip now, right?

(DOOR OPENS)

(SLOW CLAPPING)

Congratulations.

I see you've discovered
my weather control room.

I spent years developing
a drug empire to finance

this device.

And now it's all going to pay off.

The world will be mine.

Give me the chip.

Not a chance.

Of course.

You know, one of the
greatest joys of my life

has been to be hunted by a secret agent.

And not just any secret agent, no.

The star of...

Double Impact!

Which is why

I have brought someone

very special to fight you today.

You cannot imagine the expense

of procuring a great henchman.

The search for a disturbed orphan

with the right disability,

the training,

paying for hundreds and
hundreds of prosthetic hands!

- (INHALES)
- (HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

But it was all worth it for this moment.

(FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE)



In Bulgaria, he is known as Meni Mano,

which is slang for a
man who smashes things

with great big stone fists.

But I like to keep things simple.

Let me introduce

Marble Hands.

As they say in American
romantic comedies,

he is everything I never
knew I always wanted.

If you're a fan, you should know

what happens next, right?

Oh.

Perhaps in your prime, Jean-Claude.

But look around you.

This is the real world.

Good-bye, Mr. Van Damme.

(GROWLING)

(GRUNTS)

(INHALES SHARPLY) Ooh.

(DRAGAN LAUGHS)

(SHOUTS)

Oh!

(GROANS)

DRAGAN: Ooh...

(GASPS)

(LAUGHS)

Get him!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(YELLS)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

Meni Mano, get up!

DRAGAN (ECHOING): Get up, Meni Mano!



(GASPS) Dim mak?

El toque muerte.

The death touch.

(JEAN-CLAUDE YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

JEAN-CLAUDE: Got to go?

Let me give you a hand.

(GRUNTS)

(MOANS)

(GRUNTS, SIGHS)

Hey.

- Not now.
- Huh?

She's all right?

Before you came in here, she killed him.

It was her first.

She can never go back now.

Where are you going?

All she ever wanted was
to be a part of this world,

and I just want to escape it.

I quit.

Luis, please.

You're a good person.

I can see it on your face.

You don't know anything about me.

MAN: Please exit in an orderly fashion.

Exit this way, please.

Krisztina, have you seen Vanessa?

Um, I... I think I saw her walk outside.

Vanessa, wait, wait!

Wait.

(SIGHS) You can't blame yourself.

It's just the job.

It's just a job to you.

That's how you justify
the things you've done.

But I need more.

I need to know I do this for a reason.

He had a knife.

You're not listening to me.

You never listen to me.

JEAN-CLAUDE: Wait.

The other version of you,
the one from the future...

he said you have a hole in your heart,

and he's right.

And I've learned I can't fill that hole.

It's too big.

JEAN-CLAUDE: Vanessa.

Vanessa,

I never ask for nobody's help

in my life.

Nobody.

I need you.

You understand? I need you.

That's not love.

Just let me go.

(ENGINE STARTS)

- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -

♪ You got me all wrong ♪

♪ You left me underwater ♪

♪ To tumble and fall ♪

♪ So many years ago ♪

♪ You got me all wrong ♪

♪ You got me all wrong ♪

♪ You got me all wrong ♪

♪ You got me all wrong. ♪