Jean-Claude Van Johnson (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 2 - What Year Do You Think This Is? - full transcript

After Vanessa expresses her displeasure with his botched assignment, JCVD redoubles his efforts to complete the job, infiltrating a local street race - where he messes everything up. Again....

Van Varenberg!

Van Varenberg!

Van Varenberg!

Van Varenberg.

Are you listening to me, JC?

You could've
gotten us all killed.

If your cover had been blown...

It wasn't.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I was kind of stupid.

Um, you're right.

But I took care of it.


By detonating
an entire city block.


You're lucky the blast
didn't destroy the tracker.

My explosion was too big.

That's why you punish me
with N-Word Jim.



First of all, don't call
him that; it's offensive.

What? Jim?

The other part.

Also, his name is Victor.

And I wasn't punishing you.

He offered me a kindness.

When I really needed one.

The can you put the tracker in
ended up in a garage

just outside of town.

Turns out it's a local
street racing spot,

which means our guys are
probably selling HK there.

My plan is to go check it out
tonight, find the boss,

- and follow him up the ladder.
- Great. I'll come.

No. You're way too high-profile
for that kind of thing.

I'll go and report back.

And what about
the microchip I found?

- This?
- Looks important.

Why would a drug dealer
have a computer chip?


What year do you think it is?

Look at this thing,
it's the size of my phone.

It's outdated.


Just lay low
for a few days, okay?

But, uh, Vanessa?



He's not ready.
You need to pull him.

Well, you know I can't do that.

He's gonna get someone killed.

He's gonna get
himself killed.

I talked Brown down.

There's no one else.

- There's me.
- Oh.


You know that's not
how this thing works.

I'm ready.


You have your role.

You think JC's just gonna
let you into the field?

Get himself killed
deader than dead

trying to protect you.

I don't need protection.

I know you don't, dear.

But I can't change the man.

You know that
better than anyone.

I do.

I'd rather have lobster.


Huck! Help me!

Please, man, help!

Come on!

I know Tom's paintbrush
is important to you, Huck,

but she's gone!

You got to let her go!


You can find another paintbrush!

I don't want another paintbrush!

Okay. And... okay.

Cut. Cut. Cut.

Um... is he fucking ad-libbing?

Hey, JC, remember, you're gonna

toss the paintbrush,

and grab Jim's hand, 'cause it's
a big... it's a big moment.

All right?
You're saving his life.

Got it.

- Yes.
- Sorry.

Ah, it's all right.

All right, let's go again.

Roll camera!

You okay, man?

We cool?

From last night?

Yeah, we cool.



Help me!


You got to let her go!

You can find another paintbrush!

Yeah! Take my hand!

Come on!

A little closer.

Come on!

Just grab my hand.

Grab my fucking hand.

Oh, God...

JC, are you fucking serious?


VD, hey, buddy.

Uh, sweetheart, can I get wipey
for my sneakers?

Thank you. Um, buddy, buddy,

what's going on, man?
You're giving me flashbacks

to the Van Buren balloon scene.

What's happening here?

You're not yourself.

I've been getting that a lot.

Okay. Okay.

You're hurting, I can see that.

Tell me why you're hurting.


There she is. Hey, sweetie.

It's about Victor.

What about him?

It's, um... his, um...

...his character.

It... you know, offends me.

N... N-word Jim. Okay.

What about N-Word Jim

offends you?

His name.

- "Jim"?
- No, the other part.

Well, I mean, obviously,
we can't call him N...

I mean, I mean,
we can't call him

"N-Word Jim," so,
that's, you know...

Yeah, you're right.

...not cool.

So what about another name?

- Can we change it?
- To what?

- Jim.
- Jim.

Yeah, but, see, then we
undermine his entire experience

as a black man
in pre-Civil War America.


Yeah, okay.
Listen, buddy, um,

there's a lot of pressure,
I can see it right here.

You need to take a steppie back

from the role for a Minnie,
all right?

You know what?

You and me...
are gonna hit the town tonight.

Get crunked,

let loose those doggies.

What do you think?
What do you think about that?

- I cannot.
- No.

I've got some plans.

Hey, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Can I get a fuckin' wipey
for my sneakers, please?


I need your help.

With what?

♪ Suck my dick,
suck my motherfucking dick ♪

♪ Suck my dick, suck my
motherfucking dick ♪

We couldn't find a better car?

- It's all I could afford
with your per Diem. -Oh.

You should have told me
you can't drive stick.

I'm... I'm getting
the hang of it.

Wait, stop it.


Feel that?

What's the plan?
What's the plan?

Someone here is moving the HK.

We'll find out who it is,

set up a buy.

Classic Johnson.

In the Cartel,

the biggest players
had the shiniest toys.

It's happening.

This is a private area.

Go party somewhere else.



Look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Do I look...
like I come to party?

Look at me.

Go! Go, please!


This is my world.
I got this.

- JC...
- Hey!

I want to buy drugs.

Oh yeah?


What you in the market for,
old man?

I don't know, maybe some
heroin cut with Ketamine?

Kids call it HK...
Hong Kong.


20,000 Lev.

10,000 Euro.

I'm looking to get a much...

larger purchase.

How much larger?

100 cans. Yeah.

A deal like that...

would have to through
the big boss.

If that's what it takes,
it's okay.

How come I've never
seen you before?

Oh, believe me...

you've seen me before.

Doesn't feel right.

Get your fix somewhere else,


I'll race you for it.

You'll race me for it!


So let me get this straight:

you want to race me...

in that piece of shit car.

That's right.

If you win, I-I sell you HK.
Sure, okay.

- Good.
- But what's in it for me?

You can use me
to do your evil bidding,

like in Universal Soldier,

starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Or you can keep me in your barn,

and use me as your mechanic.

Like Nowhere to Run.

Also starring
Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Or you can hunt me for sport,
like in Hard Target.

Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.


Like I said, you can do
whatever you want.

I do like the sound
of that last one.

You're on!

Johnson, this idea is terrible.

I've raced before.

With Mario Lopez's Lotus.

Very fast.

You're the worst driver
I've ever seen.

And this isn't a regular race,
this is a drift race.

A "drift race"?

A drift race.

What's a drift, Luis?

A drift. A drift race.

It doesn't matter.

Okay. Listen.


Abort this. Please.

You're going to lose.

What are you doing?

I learned a trick,
long time ago.

When one sense is gone,

the others heightened.

I don't think
that applies to vision

when driving.

Oh, fuck!

I like it, old man!

You got balls!

This just got a whole lot worse.

We need to abort.

Oh, everything
will be fine, Luis.

Trust me.


Pochutvayte rituma.

Pochustvayte kak Se rimuva.


...vreme e za bobsley!

Oh, fuck.




What happened?

I'll explain later. Go.

Where's Vanessa?

She must have left,
I didn't see her.

We need to go. -I know.

Ah, sorry.

Go, go.

I'll explain later.
We have to go now.



Jean-Claude, please.

Relax, relax.

I'm sorry, guys.

- JC, we have to go.
- I'm sorry.

- Go!
- Sorry.

Let's go, let's go. Yes!

- Oh, shit! That's...
- JC!

- Hi!
- Oh, oh, come here,

- come on, I'll introduce you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -No!

- I can't believe it. -Yeah,
yeah, yeah. JC, hold on, bae.

I need... you need to meet
our foreign financier.

This is Dragan... Molo-Molotov.

- Nice to meet you. -Moltov.
- Ugh, this guy's amazing.

He, he's got the largest
cell phone company in Bulgaria.

- He's got second largest...
- It's first now. First.

- First. -Second largest,
uh, track pants manufacturer,

- and the eighth...
- Seventh now, seventh.

Seventh largest laserdisc...

It's technology,
it's new technology.

Who cares about me?
I am so pleased

you are on this production.

And Krisztina?
She's thrilled

- to be working with you.
- Yeah.

She's absolutely thrilled.

Would you like a drink?

- With us?
- No, I've got to go.

But I will see you around.
Anyways, nice to meet you.

Yeah, early morning. Fucking...

I will be seeing you.

Look at him.

- He's so right, so tight.
- Look at him walk.

- So fucking tight.
- He exercises, I think, but...

I... I am emotional, you know?

You guys want
to do some bumps?

- Yeah.
- Sure.

It's over.

I should have listened
to everyone.

I'm not ready.

You took the job.

You have to finish.

It's just a drug cartel, Luis.

It's not like they're going
to take over the world.

That doesn't matter.

You make the world
a better place.

It's your calling, JC.

You can't turn your back
on your calling.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Wait. JC.

JC. You have to tell Vanessa
you're leaving.


She didn't want me to take
the job in the first place.

You're really going
to leave again

without saying good-bye?


Um, Vanessa...

You need to see this.


- I hooked up the microchip
you found... -Yeah.

...ran its core directive

and pushed it
through a small amplifier.

Oh, yeah?

And this happened.

You know what this is.

A weather control device.

There's only one reason

they would build
a weather control device.

To take over the world.

♪ Suck my dick ♪

♪ Suck my motherfucking dick ♪

♪ Suck my dick ♪

♪ Suck my motherfucking dick ♪

♪ Suck my dick ♪

♪ Suck my motherfucking dick ♪

♪ Suck my dick ♪

♪ Suck my motherfucking dick ♪

♪ Suck my motherfucking dick ♪

♪ Suck my
motherfucking dick ♪

♪ Suck-suck-suck fuckin' ♪

♪ Suck-suck-suck
fuckin' ♪

♪ Suck my motherfucking dick ♪

♪ Suck my motherfucking,
motherfucking dick ♪

♪ Dick. ♪

.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected