Jean-Claude Van Johnson (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Jean-Claude Van Johnson - full transcript

A famous action movie hero and martial arts star comes out of retirement to assume his alter ego as undercover private contractor named Jean-Claude Van Johnson. He must also deal with aging and his handler Vanessa, the ex he still loves.

- Marco!
- Polo!
- Polo!

- Marco!
- (both) Polo!



- Marco.
- Escuse...

Ma io sono Marco Polo, ma--

Playing Marco Polo
with Marco Polo?

What's not surprising?

How much money
Amanda and Keith saved

by switching to Geico.

My name is
Jean-Claude Van Damme.

I used to be
super famous.

Perhaps you remember my first
starring role in "Bloodsport."

It is on television
all of the time.

Or maybe you've
seen "Timecop,"

which is like "Looper,"
starring Bruce Willis,

but like a million
times better.

But this is not a movie.

And that man
is not an actor.

He's trying to kill me.

But I'm not worried because...

I have a gift.

I am the master
of the splits.

Or at least I used to be.


How did this happen?

How did I get here?

JC, I used your shower
and now I'm all sticky.

It's coconut water.

Your shower uses
coconut water?

All of the plumbing
uses coconut water.

I don't understand.

Of course not.

You never do.

This is the first time
I've been here.

[heavy sigh]

Let me help you
get dressed.


* Ne me quitte pas *

* Il faut oublier *

* Tout peut s'oublier *

* Qui s'enfuit déjà *

* Oublier le temps *

* Des malentendus *

* Et le temps perdu *

* A savoir comment *

* Oublier ces heures *

* Qui tuaient parfois *

* A coups de pourquoi *

* Le coeur de bonheur *

* Ne me quitte pas *

* Ne me quitte pas *

* Ne me quitte pas *

* Ne me quitte pas *

* Moi je t'offrirai *

* Des perles de pluie *

* Venues de pays *

* Ou il ne pleut pas *

* Je creuserai la terre *

* Jusqu'après ma mort *

* Pour couvrir ton corps *

* D'or et de lumière *

* Je ferai un domaine *

* Où l'amour sera roi *

* Où l'amour sera loi *

* Où tu seras reine *

* Ne me quitte pas *

* Ne me quitte pas *

* Ne me quitte pas *

* Ne me quitte pas **

Hey, excuse me.
Excuse me.


My, uh, ramen is dry.

Yeah, man,
that's what we do.

Dry ramen.

Uh, can you put some,
uh, water on mine?

We actually don't have
access to water.

We're a pop up experience,
not a restaurant.

Okay, I don't understand.


Oh, hey, no shit.

Where you been, man?

You got anything
coming out?

I'm retired.

What about on, uh, DVD?


No, no.
Real retired.

Not like
Nicholas Cage retired.

Oh, fuck, man.

I thought you were
Nicholas Cage.


Shooting's about
finesse, JC.

[gun cocking]

You gotta have a soft touch.

I'm not exactly known
for my soft touch.

Let's try this.

You told me about your
favorite childhood memory

You remember that?

The farm.

Your grandfather's
emu farm.

Picture it.

It's a beautiful day.

Nowhere for you to be.

Nothing for you to do.

It's just you,

and those big...


[heart beating]


- [gunshot]
- [metal clanging]

Jean-Claude: Whoa.

I love you.

I love you.


- What?
- Shit.

- Hey, Vanessa, I called--
- I'm late for a flight.

I wrote,
I tried everything.

I miss you.

What do you want me
to say to that?

Let's have dinner tonight.
Let me explain.

I'm flying to Bulgaria
in three hours.

For a job?

But I thought you quit.

I didn't quit working, JC.

I just quit working
with you.

You take care
of yourself, okay?



Hey, bro, you forgot
your dry ramen.

Val Kilmer?



It's your favorite client.

I'm back.

- Jane.
- JC.

I got such a hard on
when I heard your voice.

Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Hey, you ready to
pop the trunk on this shit?

- Yes.
- Let's go.

Where have you been?

I've been relaxing.

Uh-huh. That explains
no Christmas cards,
birthday cards.

Okay, first up.

Action re-imagining of

Channing Tatum's
playing the mongoose,

you'd be one of
the cobras.

This is set up
at Paramount.


[clears throat]

Action re-imaging of
"Anne of Green Gables."

This was on
the black list last year.

Kid who wrote it is
a garbage man in Fresno.

Uh, honey,
those are not edible.



That's at Paramount.

This isn't Paramount.

- Jane.
- Origin story.

Of the restaurant
P.F. Chang's.

But imagined as
an action movie.

You'd be Richard Shaw,
sidekick to Phineas Fog Chang.

- Channing Tatum
is attached.
- Jane.

Jackie Chan's playing
General Tso,

he's rides
a giant CG chicken.

This is gonna be great.


When I told you I was back,

I did not mean JCVD.

I meant... Johnson.

I see.

[electronic blips]

Woman's Voice:
Director authorization

Security protocols engaged.

Johnson has been retired
for two years.

That's an eternity
in this line of work.

Room secured.

I stay active.
I play Frisbee golf.

This isn't a game,

It's black ops.

Real black ops,
not the game.

I send you out there
before you're ready,
people die.

No one's going to die.

Except for all the people
I'm going to kill.

I'll put out feelers,
see if there are any
low risk assignments.

I want Bulgaria.

Oh, the job
Vanessa's working.

that ship has sailed.
You had your chance.

I want Bulgaria.

That job is booked.

My guy's
already on the ground.

Who is it?


- Brown.
- Brown.

Brown is a monster.

His, uh, methods
are a bit extreme,
but he's good.

[scoffs] Brown is good,
but Johnson is better.

I can make the call.

For you,
I'll always make the call,

but this isn't
just about the client
and you know that.

You need
the cover job, too.

And that movie starts
shooting in two days.

Jane, I trust you.

I'm going to pack.

JC, please tell me
this isn't about Vanessa.

[door opens]


[door closes]

[phone rings]


Well, JC, good news.

I worked my magic.

The mission and
cover job are yours.

That's right,
Bulgaria's a go.

But you're going up against
bloodthirsty drug runners,

so, yeah,
I hope you're ready.

Because... ready or not,

Johnson is back.



Oh, shit.




I can't believe
you pulled this.

- Vanessa--
- Don't, don't even.

You know how much
this job means to me.

How hard I've worked
to get here.

I'm not letting you
fuck that up for me.

Get to work or get lost,
your call.

Heroin cut with ketamine.

Kids call it HK.
Hong Kong.

It's being smuggled in
cans of motor oil.

It's highly addictive
and highly lethal.

All right,
you're set.

We know the source?

Intel points to
a factory outside of town.

I'm gonna run recon this
morning while you're shooting.

If it checks out,

we'll get you in there
at the end of the week.

End of the week?

I thought
it might make sense for you

to spend the week
warming up with stunt work.

Before you have to do
the real thing.

You know.

On the off chance
you didn't walk in here

in peak physical condition.

Wait, stunt work.

In this movie?

You haven't even
looked at the script.

- [scoffs]
- Vanessa.

- Hey.
- Maybe you've
forgotten, JC,

but what you do is
fucking dangerous.

You waltz in here

it's not just you that's
gonna end up splattered
across the field.

[door opens]


Where's Brown?

Last minute
personnel change.

This is Johnson.

Johnson, meet Luis.

Where's Marcus?

For real retired.

Not Jean-Claude Van Damme

Is he qualified?

I was top of my class
at the Paul Mitchell academy.

Plus a Beacon award at
the PBA Beauty Week 2014.

And before that?


I spent nine years
as a child soldier
in el cartel de Los Zetas.

- Woman: Mr. Van Damme.
- Yep.

They're ready for you now.

We could run away,
head out west.

We have more than enough
gold left.

No more running.
It ends tonight.



He's here.

I love you, Tom Sawyer.

Oh, Huck.


Huckleberry Finn.


Daddy's home.

[metal scraping]

Ahh. There's a new man
of the house.






What the fuck!

Cut! Cut.

Okay, reset.

Uh, second team,

Chrissy, baby.
I am really sorry.

- Fix it.
- On it.

Okay, uh,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, I know the
choreography is tough.

Um, it's kind of
my trademark, though.

Yes, I remember
from the commercial

with the, uh,
dancing hamsters.

- Yeah, exactly.
- I know, it's so--

That's okay, this is what
we're gonna do. Sit down...

How's he looking?

Luis: Not good.

What's the story
with you two?


We were a team.

I did hair and recon,

did what he does,

and eventually,

it's the classic story,

he spinning back heel
kicked his way into my heart.

The chemistry was instant.
It was undeniable.

But we didn't want
to jeopardize the work,

so we tried to fight it.

You know,
we shouldn't be
doing this at all.

We should not be--

But every time we came back
together for a mission,

we picked up right
where we had left off,

until finally we realized
there was no point
in fighting it.

So we decided to
take some time off.


I went to Bali while he
finished up his press tour

and I waited for him.

But he never showed up.

I went my way.

He went his and...

he retired altogether.

And now he's back.

Now he's back.

So what's your story?



It's not
that interesting.

I'll tell you later.

You're right.
With Pop dead...

it would be easy now
to go someplace warm.

We got a problem.

We'll be fine,
I just need to
stretch a bit more.

Not you.

It's the factory.

I don't know how,
but they must have gotten
tipped off.

They've started
moving the drugs out.

How long do we have?

It'll be empty
by tonight.

Which means
you need to find a way
to change the schedule.

You need to be
wrapped by 6,
7 p.m. at the latest.

...and, you know,
couldn't do it.

Real hamsters
is more practical.

- They did good, though.
- Excuse me.

Ah, JC. Perfect.

I want you to meet
one of your co-stars,

this is Victor.

Big fan,
Mr. Van Damme.

Really excited to be
working with you.

- Same here.
- Thank you.

Victor's playing
"N" word Jim.


Can I talk to you
for a second?

Yeah. Yeah.

What's up, babe?

Well, it's about,
uh, my choreography.

It doesn't have
the right feel.

Okay, so-- Okay.

I have TBS, all right?

So I've seen "Kickboxer"
like, a hundy times, right?

I love it just like
everybody else.

But that
'80s style of fighting,

the style that
you're known for,

with the kicking
and the spinning
and the splits

in the middle of the s--
you know,

with the guys one at time

It's not realistic.

And we all
know that now.

You know?

All I'm saying
maybe we can spend
half a day--

Oh, no, it's okay.
I get it, I get it,
I get it.

I-- I hear you.

But hey,
we're gonna roll
with the punches.


Pow. Oh.

Roll with the punches.

Director: Camera's set!



- Cut! Cut!
- JC.

- I'm so, so sorry, man.
- Holy shit.

I totally--
I totally thought
you were gonna duck.

Okay, that's a wrap,

It's simple.

Get in, find the HK,

then all you need to do is
get one of these trackers

on one of their shipments.


Remember, if you
blow your cover,

the entire operation
goes down in flames,

so stick to the plan.

Luis: Johnson.

Here's your weapon.

I've got my own weapons.

[tires squealing]


Give me a sec.

Okay, I got you.

I'm in.

I'll meet you
back in my room
in 59 minutes.

Your room?

You know, for mission review
and alibi briefing.

Right, yeah,
that location's

not gonna work for me
this time around.


I can come to your room.

How about
we do that dinner?

Hotel restaurant.

Work only.

- [gasping]
- [neck snapping]

Work only.


I'm in uniform.

Headed to the entrance.

Slow it down a sec.

I've got
a half a dozen workers

coming up on your position.

There's another group

I need to see which
direction they're headed.

You're right.

With Pop dead,
it would be a more
comfortable life.

Comfortable life.

I don't want to do
what's easy, Tom.

I want to do what's right.

What did you say?

What are you doing?


Please tell me
you didn't bring
your script.

You said yourself
I need to be prepared.

Being prepared for
tomorrow's scenes

isn't gonna do you
a lot of good

- if you're dead tonight.
- [beeping]


Don't worry.
Nobody's going to
lay eyes on me.


How is it going?


Good, good.
Well, I don't
want to keep you.

Okay. The HK should be
through those double doors.

Hey, Philippe.

What is this?

What's happening here?

Just go with it.

Hey, Philippe.

Hey, Philippe.

Hey, Philippe.


Hey, it's just me,


Who are you?

Um... I'm you.

From the future,
and I'm here to warn you

that something bad's
going to happen
to this factory.

You should leave.

You're not me
from the future.


Like matter
cannot occupy like space.


[sighs] "Timecop."

Have you seen it?

- Yeah.
- So you know the rules.

Like matter
cannot occupy like space.

But, uh, in "Looper"
Bruce Willis

and Joseph Gordon-Levitt
touch many times.

If you are really me,

do you think "Looper,"
it's a better movie
than "Timecop"?

- Yes.
- False.

I think "Timecop"
is way better than "Looper."



You've got
excellent taste in films.

[neck snapping]


[bottles rattling]

[electronic blip]

I've got the signal.

Now get out of there.

What, are you
worried about me?


Well, you gotta admit,
that was a strange one,

even for you.

But hey...

that's mission

I'll meet you at
the restaurant in 30.

Just don't
stand me up this time.


Oh, shit.


can you hear me?

I've got to go back.

I dropped my script.

It has my
fucking name on it.



"And what about us?

"You promised we'd start
a family of our own.

"The family we never had."

"Huck, we already have."


Jean-Claude Van Damme?





- [grunting]
- [punches landing]



I love you.





- Me want!
- [screaming]

No, no, no.
One at a time,

or you run into
each other.

Could get confusing.

- Go!
- [yelling]





Come on!







[engine revving]

[vacuum whirring]

Man: Excuse me.

- It's Vanessa, right?
- Yeah.

Are you okay?




Vanessa, please.

I can explain.


JC. Hey, man.

Look, Vanessa wanted me
to tell you that

it's not a good time.


[door closes]

[electronic blip]

[phone line ringing]

- Jane.
- Before you say
another word,

yes, Brown is telling people
that he's coming for you,

but I'm on it.

Don't worry.

I'm not calling
about Brown.

Oh, no.

you don't sound good.

Jane, the job is harder
than I remember it.

The movie's shit.

And the woman I love...

is fucking "N" word Jim.

The woman I love.

I should never
have come back.


* Welcome back *

* Your dreams
were your ticket out *

* Welcome back *

* To that same old place
that you laughed about *

* Well, the names
have all changed *

* Since you hung around *

* But those dreams
have remained *

* And they've
turned around *

* Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya *

* Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya *
* Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya *

* Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya *

* Back here
where we need ya *

* Back here
where we need ya *

* Yeah,
we tease him a lot *

* 'Cause we've got him
on the spot *

* Welcome back *

* Welcome back,
welcome back *

* Welcome back *

* Welcome back,
welcome back *

* Welcome back *

* Welcome back,
welcome back *

* Welcome back **