Jasper and Errol's First Time (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Handurger - full transcript

Now, everybody
introduce yourselves.

Hi!
I'm Polly.

I'm Darlene Hollywood.

- Oh.
- I think it's your turn.

- Yeah.
- I'm Errol.

I didn't know if I was supposed
to introduce this guy or not.

The puppet, Errol.
Come on, man. Ah!

It's the...
Oh. I'm sorry.

It's no big deal. Can we
start from the top, please?

Gosh!

The world is
a shitty place right now.



Many people are unwilling
to see the other side.

That's where Jasper
and Errol come along.

These two young
chocolate-skinned men from L. A.

have made it their mission
to unite us all

by participating in activities
outside their comfort zone

and trying things
for the first time.

My name is...

Joe Gandelman,
comic ventriloquist.

I was supposed to say that.

You just did.

Mm.

- Hello.
- Hi, Joe Gandelman.

Nice to meet you.
Errol.

Hi, there.
What's up, man?



Joe Gandelman.
Nice to meet you.

Hi, there. Jasper.
So you guys want to learn ventriloquism?

Yes.
Well, I used to kind of

low-key do it back in the day,

but I just got to
touch up on my skills.

Oh, good.
First of all, the ventriloquism,

it's basically a lip-synch.
Okay.

The ventriloquist moves
the puppet's mouth

once every syllable, and you try
not to move your mouth.

Keep your mouth like this
and try to say, "A."

Go, "A."

- A.
- A.

- A?
- A!

But you got to not
move your mouth.

You got to, "A."

- A.
- A.

- Now try to say, "B."
- B.

Try to say it
without moving your mouth.

- B.
- B.

Give me a word
with the letter "B."

- I want a burger.
- You want a burger?

Okay.
You want a burger.

You want a burger.

I was hating on you earlier.

Don't say, "I want a burger."
Say, "I want a durger."

But you can't say,
"I want a durger."

It sounds like a "D,"
but what you do is, the tongue

is on the roof of your mouth
at the back of your teeth,

so, "I want a durger."

You're going to say
"hamburger," though.

Han, H-A-N, durger,

"A handurger."
Handurger.

- A handurger.
- That's it.

- I want a handurger.
- Hey! You got it!

I want a handurger!

- Handurger!
- Handurger!

- Handurger!
- I want a durger.

- What do you put on your...
- What kind of durger

you want, nigga?

You want a nigga-durger?

What were you trying to say?

Nothing.

This is...

- Hey, you got it.
- I know.

- Let's do throwing your voice.
- Oh, how do you throw your...?

Hey!
What?

What are you doing?

Hello?

Hello!
What are you...

What are you...

Got it? And try to
really make that voice.

Hey!

Is somebody in there?

Yeah, nigga.
I been turnt up.

You turnt up?
Yeah, I'm turnt up!

Coming close!

Eeh!

Okay. I am sort of tired
of doing all the talking,

so I'm going to put a mask on,

and each of you can come up
and try to make me talk.

All you do on this mask
is use a button like this.

See it? It's just
a bicycle thing like that.

See it?

That's going to make
the mouth move,

and I put this on like this.

- I got this.
- Hey, yeah. Go ahead.

All right. We just walked
into a restaurant,

and they don't have
anymore fries.

Hey! What the... you mean

you ain't got no more fries?

I want my... fries,
and I want a... hamburger.

Wow.

Shake it.

Shake it, bitch.

Uh-huh.
Let me see that ass.

Yeah!

Very good.

I'm going to let you each get
a puppet here to hold.

I wish my puppet is black.

I did have something that
was actually designed

for African-Americans,
but it broke.

I got some questions
for you, my G.

Yep.
Mm-hmm?

What made you choose
these puppets? Like...

Oh! You had the idea
of what you wanted?

These puppets are designed
by a guy by the name of

Chuck Jackson who built
them, like - He's 36.

I think he's, like, 35.

These are real wood.

They're really,
really expensive.

How much does a figure
like this cost?

Well, today if somebody
made them,

they'd be worth
probably about $5,000.

- Each?
- Whoo!

- Yes.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

By the way, they all
can go like this,

if you want to try
spinning the head around.

People think it's a big deal.

Aah!
But you guys have learned

all the basics, and now it's
time to put it to the test.

Let's do it.

I like that song.

Hey, everybody. It's time
to meet our new friends.

Take a seat.
Take a seat.

- Hey!
- Hey!

I like friends.
Oh, yeah, me, too.

- Hello.
- Ah.

Hey!

Go ahead.

He wants to...

- That's a great...
- That's a good gimmick.

That works. Yeah.
He wants you guys

to introduce yourselves.
You want -

He wants to know
who you guys really are.

Hi!
I'm Polly.

- I'm Darlene Hollywood.
- Oh, hi.

My name is Bongo,

and this is my friend,
Ranger Jack.

- Hi. I'm Ranger Jack.
- What's up, Ranger?

- Who's a good dog?
- I'm Roscoe.

You can call me Skull Baby
if you want to.

Hey, anybody here want
a hamburger?

I had a hamburger for lunch.

How many brothers you
ever seen doing this

besides me and this
handsome brother right here?

Oh, there's a couple of us.
We the Handsome Twins.

There's a couple of us.
Where you from?

I'm from South Central L. A.,
brother.

But what about you, though?

Native and born,
he's from there, too.

Yeah. We went
to school together.

That's how we hooked up.

Was it Crenshaw?

Yeah, Crenshaw, Dorsey.

Oh, okay.
My mom went to Dorsey.

Man, you love your mama.

What's your mama name?

Yeah. Ladies
love Skull Baby.

Do you feel like
Roscoe's personality

is like a extension of yours?

Yeah, absolutely.

It's just, you know, everyone
has a split personality.

- Mm-hmm.
- So this is my...

This is me right here,
and this is me.

This is another...
like Michael Jackson said...

Another part of me.

Yeah.
Hee-hee!

I didn't know anything about

ventriloquism when I was a kid.

I had invisible friends.
Uh-huh.

And I had a teddy bear,
and I made them talk.

I did it as a way
to kind of cope with stuff

going on in my life,
and so I continued

to do this as a way
to help other kids.

Yeah, and say some of the stuff

that's harder for them to say.

Okay, I feel it.
I feel it.

Do you think you can say
things through him that

you yourself
wouldn't necessarily say?

Uh... No.

I pretty much say what I need
to say all the time.

I don't really hold back.

Because we just want to
have a good time

and party, nigga.

Yeah. He said what
you thought he said.

You need to calm down, sir.

You been using
the "N" word a lot.

Oh, okay, okay because I'm not
allowed to say that word,

and I am a little confused.

Are you white?

Aaaah!

You might want to watch
some of your jokes.

I need to make
a white man's joke,

like a nice white man's joke
because a white's man,

Coming up...
Whoo!

- Four steps, bring it back.
- I feel spicier

than a mother...

- What is Zumba, exactly?
- I've never seen a dude do it.

Me either.

I also never seen
anyone, like, big do it.

Me either.

Like, I've seen, like,
only small skinny,

like, little white girls do it.

Same.
They're very flexible.

It's crazy
because my homie Errol say

he wish he was a skinny
little white girl.

Remember you said that?

Nigga, I never said that.

Remember? Well, I have this
picture of Errol

next to this stripper pole.

Mm, mm.

And I was like, "What are
you doing on that pole?"

And he hopped off real quick.

Wow, so you're pulling up pictures.
Just saying.

Man, I got some photos
like that, too.

Since we pulling out pictures,
I have my man, Lionel,

frantically moving
by a stripper pole.

- Yeah because...
- Why?

Why is he moving so frantically?

Because I was trying
to flick up.

Because I think he was...
Oh, he was flicking up.

Errol was like,
"Yo, can you capture me?"

He was flicking up
next to that pole.

"Can you capture?"
That's what happened.

No.
That's what happened.

...that.
Errol...

No. No.
Errol kept pressing,

"Could we, like, do
stripper-pole practice lessons?"

No.
We was like, "No, man."

Yeah, right.
Hey. Hey.

What the...
is wrong with him?

I'm done here.

Get it, J. Get it, J.
Get it, J. Get it, J.

- Hi. Natalie.
- Jasper.

- Errol.
- Jasper.

- Hello.
- And so Zumba was created

by accident, actually.

There was a gentleman
that taught ballroom dancing,

and he always was
a fitness instructor,

but one day he showed up
at his studio in Colombia,

where he was supposed to teach,

and he had
the wrong music selection.

Oh.

So he had a little bit
of ballroom

with a little bit of salsa
with a little bit of Bollywood,

a little bit of bachata,
and he said,

"You know what?
I'm just going to wing it."

And so after that, the class
was really popular,

so he said, "Why not?
I'll keep it.

I'll name it Zumba."

Is there any advice
you can give us?

All I can say,
fake it and shake it, okay?

Have fun.
Be you.

I'm about to put
a little flavor on it.

I'm going to throw
some hot sauce on mine.

Yeah.
You teach us some moves?

I'm trying to turn up right now.

Let's do it.
Let's do it.

Your legs warmed up?

There you go.
March it out.

Five, six, and go forward!

One, two and three, and clap.
Back it up.

Yeah.
Hey, hey!

Two more time!
Hey, hey!

Do it right here.

And left side.
That's it.

Warm it up, hey!

That's it.

Hang in there.

Reach it out.

This get used in a fight?

And seven.

Hey, hey.

Come on, Errol.
You black, nigga.

You gonna hit that shit?

Hey!
I like that.

I'm not as good
as I thought I was.

That's it.
That's it.

Hey!
Hang in there!

Oh, looking awesome.

Are you ready?
All the way here.

Pull it.
Hey!

Hey!
I got that shit!

Wrong way, Errol!

Come on, nigga!

You from a island, too.
It's only your first time.

That's all right.

Bring it back.

I feel spicier than a mother...

Whoo!
Four steps.

Muy bien.

Good job.

- Yeah.
- Whoo!

How you feel? How you feel?
All right.

I don't want to be, like,
cocky or anything,

but I think I got
the best moves right now.

I'm just saying.

- What?
- I'm coming for everybody here.

How you feel so far?

I'm feeling good,
but my question is,

is it okay if I bring
in a special guest?

I have a friend
that's a stripper,

and I think he should learn
some of these moves.

Lionel?

I need you over here.

- Lionel!
- We need one more person

to join the class.

He literally just said,
"We don't have time."

No. No, I didn't.
No, I didn't.

- No. Come on, Lionel!
- I was talking about...

- What, you going to lie, Knate?
- March your ass in here!

Come on, yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah!
My boy!

Let's crack those tunes!
Whoo-whoo!

I hope I don't sweat
through this shirt.

Oh, you going to sweat
through that shirt.

Ooh.

Remember, let it flow.
Hey!

Come on, Lionel.

I'm doing it.
Just shake that...

Shake that thick ass, nigga.

Shake that thick ass, Lionel.

Nigga, move your feet!

I'm moving!
I'm moving!

Two step this way.
Two step back this way.

What's wrong with you?

For real?
Are you okay?

I thought we was friends,
Lionel!

You going to push me down?

Oh, you want me to hug you, man?

- No.
- Come here.

You going to deny your friend
in front of everyone?

You going to embarrass me?
What's up, buddy?

- You guys had a good time?
- ...dying.

- I had a great time.
- How you feeling?

You know, just shaking my ass,
doing my thing, you know?

It's cool.

I'm going to be real with y'all.

This nigga, Errol,
I give him a C-plus.

Why are you watching me so hard?

You supposed to be
watching yourself.

I can see everything!
I was watching myself.

Like, I was Jessica Alba.

Wide lens, right here,
wide lens.

I can see everything, Errol.

You see that fly right there,
that's on that wall?

I didn't have to look.
I know he's there.

Nigga, ain't no flies in here.

Bzzz.

Coming up...

Do not come this area, okay?

I see you, I kill you, okay?

I do want to make
somebody sushi.

I'm just like, "Hey, you want to

grab some dinner
or something?"

Like, "Oh, don't worry about it.
I'll cook you something."

I just walk in the kitchen,

and I'm just making sushi.

What?

I'm the old-school sushi chef.

I've been making sushi
for 20 years.

You know what time it is.

It's time for Jasper to learn
how to make some sushi!

Where do you get your fish from?

Fish market
in Downtown L. A.

I usually go there
4:00 or 4:30 a. m.

and pick up my fish.

People like me go
to fish market,

and I can see which part
is best part,

but a lot of people who doesn't
go to fish market, they order.

Like, fish market send...

They get the pieces of shit.

Yeah. Yeah.
It's not shit,

but it's, like,
a not better product, right?

Okay.
What I call it is,

"The early bird gets
the best worm."

Yes! Yes.

What's your technique?

I'm just lazy.
I don't do the fancy things.

I always make a simple sushi
and sashimi.

Right now, you guys try
to make a tuna,

salmon and yellowtail sushi,
but every sushi is same way,

so if you learn, like, basic
things, you can do everything.

I have a knife.
I am chef.

Have this cut up, like this.

Yep.
Slap that on there.

Mm-hmm.
And yes.

Respect the fish.
Be the fish.

Eat the fish.

Sushi is always cut...

It's, like, maybe
four finger, this length.

When you use knife,
it's always one stroke.

You are a sushi chef.

Cut it, like, right here
and slice through. Whoo!

Aw.
You mess up my fish.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.
It's cool, man.

Practice makes perfect.

I'm going to flip that over
to the other side and try again.

- "Sure, yeah."
- And then...

And then salmon, four fingers
length, so you can...

You can just cut like...
Oh, this way?

Yes. Yes.

Not bad.

Much better than his.

Wash your hand.

Put the water on your palm.

In here.

Oh, I feel stupid as...

Sometimes you got to
just get in there

and become a sushi chef.

And last, we make a roll, okay?

Sounds good to me.
Got it.

It's going to be a nice...
Oh, a nice little ball.

Yes, like a small...

little bit smaller
than baseball.

Little seaweed there, yes.

And then spread the rice
on the seaweed evenly.

Oh, this is like rolling up.

Big blunts, no chasers.

I think I'm going to be
pretty good at this part.

You don't want to press too much

because you'll destroy
the green, correct?

You can work here.
Thank you.

Let me see.
Doesn't look good.

It doesn't look good.

And then we have to cut, right?

Yeah.
So, like, a knife,

usually, like, a six piece
or eight piece,

but I usually cut in six pieces.

I'm going to hire you.
Thank you.

Now, you...
Are you going to hire me?

You fired.

Why you going to fire me?

Look at my good-ass sushi.

Oh, shit.

Try this one, Lionel.
Lionel, try this one.

Come on, man.
Don't ruin the show.

- It's all I'm gonna stay.
- Yeah, that one right there.

What is this?
Spicy tuna roll.

- It's a burrito.
- I mean, it's not bad.

- Exactly, wow! Boom! Bam!
- Yo, yo!

- Delicious, right? Exactly.
- But look at it in your hand.

- You know why it's delicious?
- New trend.

Because I already made
a spicy roll.

You just roll it, right?

No, no, no.

You suck.
Bow!

We looking good over here,
bite boy.

Bro, that's a baby arm
you just ate.

So how was making sushi?

A lot easier than I thought.

If you didn't know me,
and I just pulled up,

and I was like, "I need a job.
I want to be a sushi chef,"

and I did this,
what would you think?

Okay, like, you, like,
roll you make...

...you might be able to get
a job at sushi restaurant.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah, like, there's something...

- What about me?
- You?

Do not come this area, okay?

I see you, I kill you, okay?

- You - you -
- I'm going to sit over here.

You waste my fish.

Look at me.
Look at me right here.

- Coming up...
- Look down. Look down.

Look down. Look down.
Look down. Look down.

Sleep.
That's it.

Hey, there, our first Martian.

Marker

- I don't.
- You don't?

- I don't.
- You don't...

Well, just say it
in a full sentence.

Huh?

Say, "I don't
believe in hypnotism."

"I don't believe in hypnotism"?

Yeah. Do you believe
in hypnotism?

I don't believe
in being hypnotized.

Why not?

Because I don't know nobody
ever been hypnotized.

I seen it on TV,
but it looked fake to me.

You believe in it?

I hope -
Man, that's some dangerous shit

if it's true, ain't it?

- Whoo.
- Hello, there.

That's a fly suit, my dog.

Thank you, man.
Dr. Ken.

Errol.
Errol, nice to meet you.

- Darkshark.
- Darkshark, yeah, very nice.

- Mr. Jasper.
- Mr. Jasper, nice to meet you.

Now, I'm a hypnotist,

but now the kind you may
have been thinking about.

I'm not the kind
that makes people...

turn them into
clucking chickens.

If we can tap into
the deeper mind,

we call it the unconscious mind,

we can be better,
greater than we are,

more successful in everything
we want to do.

Now, here is what
I want you to do.

I want you to put
your hands out.

Stare between them.

Don't look at me.
Look between them.

Watch those hands begin
to move together.

Just begin to bring them closer,

and see if you can feel them
moving together,

that kind of force,
that magnetic force,

because I want you
to think of magnets

on the palms of those hands.

Now, when they touch,
get those hands to touch.

Interlock your fingers
like this.

That's actually a sign
of hypnosis, believe it or not.

The hands are growing
tighter now.

Number four, tighter still, now.

They're going tighter
and tighter now.

The hands grow so tight.
Just let your imagination go.

Let it go.

Go ahead and try
to unstick your hands.

Darkshark, were you hands
stuck closed?

They sure were, weren't they?

Yeah.
Absolutely.

Jasper, how you doing my friend?

Stand up with me.

Okay.

Come on forward.
Come on forward.

Let's see how it works
with you, okay?

Look at that left foot.
It's a sticky foot.

- Hey, sticky.
- Hey, sticky, right.

Look right down at the tip
of that foot.

Now, the more you look
at that foot, the more it sinks.

Can you get the feeling of it
sinking down in there?

Just imagine
what that would be like.

Try and unstick it,
and you'll see it sticks

even more in the experience
of it sticking.

Do I try it now?
Yeah.

Give it a little try.
It's stuck.

There you go.
Okay.

There you go.
See?

You're in total control
of this thing.

Have a seat.
I think we're going to

switch to something else.

Okay, now, Darkshark,
let me have your arm.

Just let your arm go.

Just loose and limp
and relaxed, that's it.

Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me.

Right hand, loosen it up.

Don't make me confess
no unsolved crimes, now.

You're not going to.
You're not going to.

Loosen up your arm.
Loosen up your arm.

Just let it go. No.
Just follow my fingers.

Look down. Look down. Look down.
Look down. Look down.

Look down. Sleep.
That's it.

Let it go.
Let it go.

So in a moment, when I count
to three, Darkshark,

NASA is planning
on going to Mars,

and we've got you here,
our first Martian,

when I count to three.

One, two, threes.
Just sit up.

Open your eyes.

Hey, there, our first Martian.

What's your first impression
of the planet Earth, here?

What'd you have for
breakfast this morning?

Oh, that doesn't sound good.

Did you like it?

What's the typical
Martian meal going to be?

Whoa. Okay.
What did he just say, Errol?

Oh, oh, man.

I don't know.
He has to say it again.

I didn't hear it.

Say it one more time, please.

There you go.

And what do you think of
the women on the planet here?

Oh, yeah?

Errol, can you say that?

Yeah, okay. You can't.
Okay.

No.
I got it,

but in the interest of...
I can't understand.

...the public,
we don't want...

Yeah.
I can't understand.

When I count to three,
just close your eyes.

One, two, three, right back
to being Darkshark.

Excellent.

All right.
It's time to wrap it up.

Yeah.
All right.

First of all, I want
to thank everybody here.

I'm trying to give each of you
connection to your talents.

Now, they're different
in every way,

and this guy is
a bundle of love, man.

He is such a...
Bundle of asshole.

He is a bundle of love.
Okay.

I was saying some crazy-ass,
you know...

Man, he made me do that,
for real.

I don't know why the...
I was saying that dumbass shit.

That shit was just popping up
in my head.

I was like, "What the...?"

You believed that you was
really hypnotized?

When I was saying
that Martian shit.

Man, get the...
out of here, man.

Get the...
out of here.

This nigga said...
Because y'all wouldn't

let him do y'all.

Y'all was fighting him.

They was fighting him.
This nigga said...

I wasn't fighting.
I wasn't dogging him out.

Y'all wouldn't let him
do his shit.

Y'all was bullshitting with him.

Bullshit? He told me to lift
my foot, so I lifted it.

Y'all was saying
a little stupid...

Y'all was making
a joke out of it.

That man probably
really do know how...

My life is a joke.

Yo, I perform.

You and this minimal
effort thing, it's got to go.

Yeah. We got to get
that out the door.

When we call you in,
in the trenches,

we need you to perform right.

No, I'm not that crazy.

So you could tell this
was a nice fish.

It had a good life.

I'm going to name you Raymond.

You going to play with that,

or you going to make sushi?

I'm going to make sushi.

- Cheers.
- And Raymond is going to watch.

- Yeah.
- Okay.