Jane the Virgin (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Chapter Forty-Nine - full transcript
Alba lets Jane read the letters from her estranged sister as long as she doesn't reach out to her family; Rafael suspects something different with Petra; Michael and Rafael try to create a civil friendship.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, here we go.
Jane got married to Michael,
but she had a son with Rafael.
And Michael and Rafael were...
yeah, pretty tense.
Also tense, Jane's father, Rogelio.
See, he was in a race with his rival,
Esteban,
to make the leap from telenovelas
to American levision.
Unfortunately, Esteban had the lead.
ROGELIO: Esteban got the part on
Hawaii Five-O.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But,
Rogelio had a new best bro,
Rafael...
He's a real cutie.
Who he recently discovered was handsome.
And Rafael said he'd introduce
Rogelio to his friend,
a big-time Hollywood producer.
Oh, and Xiomara was also
looking for a change.
And she decided to
search for a new career.
And Alba had a new career, too,
at the Marbella gift shop.
And while we're on Alba,
Jane was basing her novel
on her grandma's life.
Only Alba didn't want to
share the letters from
her estranged sister.
_
And speaking of complicated
family dynamics,
Rafael's mother was a crime lord.
_
And she was murdered!
And that she left a Bible
with some mysterious words underlined.
DENNIS: "Angels guard the sun."
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I know, cray-cray, right?
Let's see, what else?
What else? Um...
Jane and Michael were
moving out of their place,
so you might see boxes.
Oh, I know what else!
There was a new love affair
sweeping the Marbella...
Petra and Scott.
Yeah, that Scott... The one Jane hated.
But here's the thing,
it wasn't really Petra.
It was her twin sister, Anezka.
See, Anezka had paralyzed Petra
and taken her place.
- And finally,
- (shrieks)
after three freakin' months,
Jane realized...
I don't think that's Petra.
Which, my friends,
is where we left off.
As you all well know,
our Jane always had strong opinions.
- _
- Okay, here's why I think you
should reevaluate your
Disney World decision.
- Jane...
- Just hear me out.
Lina's sister won free
tickets on the radio,
so it won't cost anything.
And yes, it's a school day,
but we'll be home by 8:00
and I'll do all my classwork in advance,
I promise.
Please, Abuela. You can trust me.
_
_
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
Priorities.
I don't care that Paulina's
pretending to be her sister,
she needs to end up with Carlos Daniel
and he needs to stay the
heck away from Gemma.
Like I said,
Jane always had strong opinions.
So when she was unsure...
well, it was a pretty big deal.
On the one hand, if Anezka did
paralyze and impersonate Petra,
well, then so many
things would make sense.
There's a sentence you
don't hear every day.
But on the other hand, it's... (exhales)
Straight out of a telenovela?
- Crazy.
- Totally crazy.
But what if it's true?
Then we have to do something.
But what if we do something
and it's not true?
Then things will get even worse.
Hard to imagine things getting worse
between Petra and Jane.
(yelling)
Or Petra and Rafael, for that matter.
And I will tell the cops,
unless you sign your shares over to me.
You have 24 hours.
Jane...
it can't be true.
_
But what if it is true?
No, stop,
I just convinced myself it couldn't be.
But that would explain
her weird behavior.
Maybe we should see what the cop thinks.
The cop thinks you need more evidence,
as discussed.
Thanks.
- You okay?
- NARRATOR: Don't worry,
we'll be getting back
to that teddy bear.
Yeah, yeah, just sore.
Trying to get back in shape
so I can pass my physical for work.
Oh. Well hey, if you ever want
to use the Marbella gym...
Oh, maybe I'll take you up on that.
Cool, I'm there most days
around lunch, so, hope to see you.
Cool, cool.
Bye, buddy. (kissing)
Oh. (laughs)
All right. Bye. Bye.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Let's see
how long she can wait before...
That was sweet, huh?
Him inviting you to work
out at the Marbella?
Yeah.
So...
are you gonna go? (chuckles)
Maybe.
I mean, it's just that
Rafael is making an effort.
And it would be, you know,
nice if you said yes to the date.
Not a date.
Sorry, sorry, the meet up.
The workout, the hang.
If I say yes,
you promise not to make
a big deal out of it?
Yes. (scoffs) Yeah, of course.
No problem.
- I'll text him.
- Cool.
Ooh. (sniffs) Somebody
has a stinky diaper.
Let's go change you, Mr. Sweetface.
- (joyful music playing)
- Daddy and Michael
are going on a date!
Daddy and Michael are going on a date!
Ooh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. (whoops)
_
They're really going on a date?
Yes!
Well, we're not allowed to call it that,
but yes.
Honestly, I feel like they're
putting the past behind them,
- finally.
- (scoffs)
It's nice when people do that.
Move on from the past.
_
Yes, last rehearsal before recital,
full house.
Come on, Abuela.
I really want you to reconsider
showing me your sister's letters.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
A sister, I'll remind you,
she hasn't spoken to in 42 years.
_
Exactly. I don't know them.
And I've always wanted to
learn about our family.
You know that.
Plus, I'm writing this novel
and those letters are
full of details, right?
Things you can't make up.
Please, Abuela.
_
And you won't have to, I promise.
I won't bring her up again.
You can trust me.
Thank you!
I love you!
Mwah!
XIOMARA: It was only a matter of time.
You always give in to her.
_
NARRATOR: I'm with Xiomara on this one.
Remember the Disney World cliffhanger?
(sighs)
Okay...
_
_
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I have to call Lina.
_
Somewhat less trustworthy...
Thanks for dropping off the girls.
Now I hope you have the paperwork.
You are now officially in
control of my hotel shares.
But I wish you wouldn't do this.
We'll update you if we find a buyer.
I'm sure they'll keep you on
as part of the transition team.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, if only.
(chuckles)
This is, uh... this is Elsa's new bear.
It was the only thing that
stopped her tantrum last night.
Told you we'd get back to the bear.
_
Good. Tell him I'm glad.
He says he is glad.
Also, thanks for
inviting him to the gym.
Um, I didn't say that.
No, that part was from me.
Well, it doesn't seem like that.
It seems like it's from me,
with an exclamation mark,
like I'm way too excited.
Okay fine, I'll just write him
back and say it was from me.
No, no, stop. Then it'll be a thing.
(chuckles) Oh, look, he wrote back.
- _
- What'd he say?
Yeah.
_
(chuckles) I'm kidding.
Mwah. Now go.
I have a lot of reading
to do before bed.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
Alba's letters from her sister.
Happy reading.
(glissando)
(gasps)
Which brings us back here,
now, to...
_
_
I'm sorry. I-I should be translating.
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
You're still up?
It's crazy, Michael.
My family, it's huge!
Let me see.
(magical chimes)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: So yeah,
it didn't look like that,
(gasps) but it felt like that.
I have aunts and uncles
and cousins... so many cousins.
I want to Google everyone.
(yawns)
Tomorrow.
- Mm.
- Come to bed, it's late.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It really was.
ANEZKA: ♪ Ring around the rosie ♪
♪ A pocketful of posies ♪
♪ Ashes, ashes, we all fall down. ♪
Things just felt different.
Been acting odd.
SCOTT: Oh, stop.
You know I want to, babe.
(gasping)
ANEZKA: I love you.
I love you, too.
ROGELIO: I didn't sleep
a wink last night!
(yawns) Yeah, I was up pretty late, too.
Really?
You don't show it.
Well, of course, you are...
five, six years younger than I am.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR (laughing):
Yeah, right.
But still,
that skin.
Not a line,
not a blemish,
not a single visible pore.
I can't believe it took
me so long to realize
how handsome you are.
So, uh, you want to hear
a little background on my buddy Spencer?
Ah yes, the film producer
Rafael went to college with.
No need.
I Jane'd this sitch and
researched him online!
- (door opens)
- Which was a good thing
- because...
- Mr. Davis is here to see you.
Mr. Davis, hello!
Mr. Davis, I'm so sorry!
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Uh-oh.
(grunts)
(door closes)
I can't believe I Googled
the wrong Spencer Davis!
Yeah, I mean, you know,
anyone could have done it.
Do you think he'll forgive me?
(groans) It's...
it's just how you went
on about his wife.
- Don't remind me.
- Who had died...
The other Spencer Davis
had a very contentious divorce.
You called her a bitch.
No, he did.
I mean, the other guy.
Please, please.
Can you fix this?
Starring in his movies,
it's a dream of mine.
You don't even know what his movies are!
Any movie... in America.
Rafael, please.
I didn't want to tell anyone,
but I saw a promo for
Esteban's Hawaii Five-O arc.
(dramatic music playing)
Aloha.
We need to talk.
Okay, I'll see what I can do.
My God, those lats are unbelievable!
Really unbelievable, you guys.
I'll see you Saturday.
Don't forget what color you're wearing,
and I'll bring headbands.
(chuckles)
(door closes, Alba sighs)
_
Yup.
The end of an era.
Anyway,
what do you think of me
as a real estate agent?
No office, every day is different.
(phone rings)
_
_
Hello?
_
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
It's like she saw a ghost.
- Your sister called you?
- Or heard from a ghost.
_
I promise, I didn't contact her.
_
I made a donation this
morning to a GoFundMe.
It's run by one of her granddaughters,
for medicine in Venezuela. I mean...
maybe she saw my name
and told her grandma.
_
_
_
I didn't think...
_
_
Abuela, I'm so sorry.
(phone beeps)
Abuela?
I really screwed up. (sighs)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
It should be noted,
our Jane was determined
to make things right
with her abuela.
It should also be noted,
it wasn't really up to her.
JANE: I'm serious,
she's never been this mad at me.
Or mad at you, period.
Will you talk to her?
Get her to hear me out?
- (copier beeps)
- I'll try.
_
All right, 100 programs.
Thank you.
You're really going all
out for this recital, huh?
Yeah, it's my last one, so...
Anyway,
what do you think of beauty school?
I think... Grease was on last night.
Yeah.
I think I mostly just want an angel
to fall from the sky
and tell me what to do.
_
Ooh, should we go down to the gym
and see how their date is going?
Yeah, maybe we can put on
face masks from the spa
and spy on them.
(chuckles)
You're kidding, right?
We can't do that.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But we can.
(grunting)
_
Wow.
(chuckles) A lot of reps.
Oh, you just got to push yourself.
Oh, yeah.
So what's your sched...
ule like? Like, what
do you do every day?
Uh, cardio four times a week;
Monday, Wednesday... Chest and back
Tuesday, Thursday... Bis and tris,
and Saturday, I blast my core.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I got to get to the gym more.
Wow.
Do you have time for anything else?
You just got to prioritize it.
Oh yeah, it's clearly a...
clearly a big priority.
See, I'm not trying to get
that intense for my physical.
I just kind of got to, you know,
build up my endurance.
Uh, keep my BP low.
Got it.
(grunting)
So, um, did you think about the words
your mom underlined in the Bible?
"Angels guard the sun."
Yeah, no idea.
Did your mom ever mention...
You know, I'd just rather not talk about
my dead mom, the criminal,
- (chuckles)
- in the middle of the day,
in the middle of my gym.
(chuckling) Yeah, yeah. Gotcha. Sorry.
It's okay.
You like baseball?
(grunting)
- Football.
- Sure. Sure, sure.
Game of Thrones?
- Hodor! Hod...
- You know, I'm just
really not a big talker in the gym.
Right.
Got to focus on the reps.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Sorry,
I just can't watch this any longer.
All right.
Whoops. (chuckles)
Um...
_
- Thanks again.
- You got it.
(sighs) Oh, God.
Oh, my sweatshirt.
(sighs)
You still free to meet up?
Yeah, just give me
ten minutes to shower.
WOMAN: We can meet in the shower.
RAFAEL: Mm.
JANE: So... how was the gym?
It was fine.
Wh-what do you mean, fine?
Wh-what happened?
He's just... (exhales)
What?
Nothing.
- Michael.
- Such a player!
With his muscles and his flirting.
He was flirting with you?
No, not me.
But as we were leaving
there was a woman,
clearly married,
he said to meet in his place,
in the shower.
He has Mateo.
It's that she's married,
that's the point.
Anyway, forget I said anything.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, right.
We just have nothing
in common, that's it.
XIOMARA: The whole family
dynamic is complicated...
and Jane didn't respect that.
But come on, Ma.
She would never do anything
intentionally to hurt you,
you know that.
_
_
Yes, I understand that
a hundred percent.
Good. Then I think I can
get her to talk to you.
Speaking from experience,
it's good when she's really pissed
to give her at least
48 hours to cool down.
- Mm.
- (knocking on door)
Oh, that's your dad.
What's this big thing he
wants to talk to us about?
Oh, I have no idea.
So, Rafael worked his magic
and got me an audition
- for the film...
- (gasps)
despite my unfortunate
meeting with the producer.
Ro, that's so great.
- Yeah, congratulations.
- Wait.
I went to the studio
and read the script.
It's very secretive,
that means it's good,
probably a festival opener.
Hopefully not Sundance.
Finding a flattering parka will be hell.
Anyway,
it turns out that if I get the part...
I will have to reveal
all of myself on film.
Yeah, well, that's
what acting is, right?
Raw, emotional, vulnerable.
- I mean my penis.
- (quiet gasps)
I will have to reveal my penis.
Oh. The role requires
full frontal nudity.
Wow.
Fassbender did it, it's
a great career move,
plus, obviously,
I'm extremely comfortable with it.
But of course,
I want to make sure
- you are comfortable.
- Me?
Well, Michael and Xiomara
already have seen my penis.
♪ ♪
So, will you be comfortable
seeing it 40 feet high?
I'm not even comfortable
having this conversation.
So no.
I'll just look away.
But it's my only scene.
You know what, Dad?
We'll just worry about
it when the time comes.
Go for it, okay?
_
(chuckles)
ANEZKA: Yes, Mother,
I understand your threats,
and I'm sick of them.
Okay, I'll kill her then.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Kill her? Kill who?
Oh, yeah? Watch me.
What the...
Don't worry, beautiful sister.
I only say that to make
Mother stop with her threats.
I would never kill you.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Even psychos have boundaries.
Wait, that's not fair of me.
With her background,
she probably has attachment
disorder exacerbated by...
Okay, time for your medicine.
- Nope, she's a psycho.
- (door opening)
What are you doing? Stop!
- What are you doing? Get out.
- I heard you on the phone.
You were spying on me?
You said you would kill someone.
Why would you say that?
I was trying to get my mother
off the phone. Now, get out!
I'll remind you, the psycho
has to re-administer the paralytic.
No. Like right now.
I'm not going anywhere... Anezka.
What?
That's right.
I know who you are.
You're crazy.
I'm calling security.
Go ahead. Do it.
And friends that's when...
Oh, my God, she moved.
I just saw her move.
What? No, she didn't.
Get the nurse. Now.
_
It's okay, you're okay.
What's your name?
And friends, at last she said...
Anezka.
Wait, what?
I... am... Anezka.
I am... I'm so sorry.
I thought that she was...
- That's okay.
- Really?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Remember, act like Petra.
No. No, not really.
How dare you? Get the
hell out of my home.
(scoffs)
(door opens and closes)
Give me a moment alone with my sister.
(door closes)
I am so sorry, beautiful sister.
Mother made me do it, she said...
(croaks)
What?
(groans)
- What?
- (gasps)
Do you have any idea
what you'ouve put me through?
(laughing)
(grunts)
(gasping)
Why did you protect me?
Because of the shares.
They'd be void.
Rafael signed them to you as me.
Now listen closely,
because you're going to jail
unless you do exactly as I say.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And friends, that's when Petra
said the scariest thing
Anezka ever heard.
First, I want you to
break up with Scott.
I can't.
You have to.
He'll suspect something.
At-at-at-at...
at least let me start to
pull away from him first...
to prepare him.
(baby crying)
That's Elsa.
Should I...?
JANE: I was just so
sure it wasn't Petra.
I know. (sighs)
Think your dad's got one of those,
"I'm sorry I thought your sister
"was impersonating you" gift baskets?
He might. I mean, it's
straight out of a telenovela.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Exactly!
Oh, Michael's sweatshirt;
he left it at the gym.
Thank you.
So...
What happened with you two?
Let's just say...
I get what you two see in each other.
What does that mean?
- The judgey thing...
- What?
You told me you were judgey
the first week I met you.
I'm allowed to say that.
- Well, Michael's not judgey.
- Oh, trust me, he is.
He saw you flirting
with a married woman;
he's going to say something.
What? What were you talking about?
- He was picking apart my workout.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: The gym, yes.
Gotta get back, writing it down.
- What married woman?
- She had a ring.
You were joking about
taking a shower together?
With Claire?
Okay, first of all, she's not married.
I don't know what the ring was.
But she's also a friend from college,
and partners with Spencer Davis.
The guy your dad insulted?
Yeah, I was trying to
get him an audition.
MICHAEL: No, I'm so sorry.
I feel like an ass.
Yeah, okay. I love you.
(phone beeps)
Wow, I basically just blew up
months of progress on the family front.
What happened?
I told Jane something I shouldn't have.
Rafael's gotta hate me.
I mean, I would hate me if I were him.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
It should be noted Rogelio felt
Michael's sharing was a cry for help.
Which, by the way, it wasn't at all.
Nevertheless, friends,
his wheels started turning.
(computer chimes)
Oh, my God.
_
_
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: On the one hand,
Jane was pretty sure...
Okay, completely sure...
That her abuela would
not want her to respond.
On the other hand, it's
her freaking cousin!
The girl has never had a cousin before!
This is big, people!
_
(chimes)
_
_
_
_
(chimes)
(chimes)
(chuckles)
_
(chimes)
_
_
Oh, my God! Jane!
Hi.
Hi. (laughing)
Hey.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Which brings us here, now.
_
I wanted to apologize for what happened.
I know it must have been awful
hearing from your
sister out of the blue.
I should never have risked that.
I'm sorry, Abuela.
_
But wait.
Last night, a cousin wrote me.
_
Her name is Catalina.
She's your sister's son's daughter.
Jane...
I'm just telling you
this so that you know.
You won't hear about her again.
_
Abuela, that's not fair.
_
Well, maybe things should open up.
_
I know your sister ruined your wedding,
but don't you think it's time?
_
_
_
_
What?
_
_
_
What?
(gasps)
_
_
_
There are cameras
everywhere. I'll fix this.
ANEZKA: Okay, all fixed.
Back to blonde.
Good.
Now, you've laid enough groundwork.
- Go break up with Scott.
- (cell phone ringing)
Do you have $40 million
to b two-thirds of the Marbella back?
No, but...
- Then why are you calling me?
- (phone beeps)
And why are you still standing there?
- Go break up with...
- Scott?
Look, I know things
haven't been great with us,
but I have to ask you a favor.
(sniffles)
- Oh.
- Sorry. Sorry.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, come on!
Wait, Scott...
You don't have to act like you care.
No, but I do.
In that I don't want you to be,
like, extremely upset.
I think...
I think Petra's gonna break up with me.
- Oh, I-I'm sure that's not true.
- It is.
I-I don't know what happened.
I-I really thought Scetra was forever.
_
I don't know what changed.
ROGELIO: Changing lanes, Matelio.
This really isn't a good time for lunch,
so maybe somewhere close?
Close. Got it.
Couldn't have cleaned that seat off
before I got in?
No, not really, no.
- What the hell is this?
- What's going on?
ROGELIO: I am the
patriarch of this family,
so when things break down,
it is my responsibility
to build them back up again.
It's time to hash this out,
man to man.
- To man to man.
- Rogelio, we really...
- I really don't think...
- No excuses, this is happening.
I really don't have time for this.
We'll do it quickly. Michael,
you said you messed up,
and you wanted to make it better.
So...
Okay, um...
Look, I'm sorry for
jumping to conclusions
- and for telling Jane.
- Running to Jane.
I wouldn't describe it as running.
- Oh, no, you ran.
- Okay.
I'm sorry for running to Jane.
Um, it wasn't cool, and I'm sorry.
Well, thank you for apologizing.
I just... I really
thought you were sleeping
with that producer woman.
Well, we all make mistakes.
Of course he was sleeping with her!
How do you think I got the audition?
- Rogelio. Rogelio!
- Is this true?
- Look, it doesn't matter...
- I knew it.
You're still the same shallow playboy
- all about the muscles...
- Even if I was sleeping with her,
it's none of your business.
I can sleep with whoever I want.
Oh, I thought she was married.
- (phone rings)
- You really think I'd sleep
- with a married woman?
- Shh! It's my agent.
What's the word, Barry?
Just checking in, wanted to give you
some love before the audition.
The audition is tomorrow, Barry,
but I'll always take love.
It's not tomorrow, it's in ten minutes.
The e-mail said tomorrow.
It did not. Oh, shoot!
I'm looking at it. It did!
Someone's getting fired.
Can you get over there?
You have to get over there.
Okay, I'm on my way. Don't worry, Barry.
U-turn, Matelio!
- (loud pop)
- Whoa!
JANE: No...
Of course Petra doesn't
think less of you
because of this... incident.
- Really?
- People pass gas. It happens.
- She doesn't.
- (quietly) Wow.
- I never deserved her.
- Hey!
Stop. You're... great.
Yeah? What's so great about me?
(scoffs) Well, I mean, you're...
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Unscrupulous.
- Ambitious.
- And...
- A tyrant.
Authoritative.
And you have a signature style.
It's a modified Alex P. Keaton.
I grew up as a latch-key kid.
My parents' idea of a babysitter
was Family Ties reruns.
Gotcha. Well, before we go
too deep into your childhood,
I did have a favor.
ROGELIO: Help! Take it!
I got it. I got it.
Okay, your Uber's gonna
be here in three minutes.
- You're gonna make it, Rogelio.
- Thank you, Michael.
I can't believe I got the day wrong.
No...!
This is not happening.
I can't go to the audition
covered in tire grease!
You can use my shirt.
(sexy saxophone music)
♪ ♪
Oh, come on.
Hey! (horn honks)
(quietly) Wow.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And from one hot piece...
to... Scott.
I need to tell you something.
Yeah, there's something
I need to say, too.
So, did you break up with him?
No...
We got engaged!
- What?
- I know! I was surprised, too.
Everyone was.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes!
Yes! (laughs)
No, no, you... you can't marry Scott.
I know.
I just wanted, for once,
just to see what it would feel like
to just be really...
truly happy.
Okay, I'll break up with him myself.
Give me the ring.
- MICHAEL: It's the silver ring.
- I know what a lug nut is.
Are you sure you lifted
the jack high enough?
Yes.
- Because that could be the problem.
- I know how to change a tire.
Well, if you knew how to change a tire,
you wouldn't be having so much trouble
marrying the lug nut to the bolts.
- "Marrying"?
- That was an accident.
- Seriously?
- I didn't mean that.
She is not married.
- Let it go.
- Well, Jane was engaged.
What?
We were engaged.
You didn't seem to give a
damn about that. Not once.
Where's Mateo? Where's Mateo?
- Mateo! Mateo!
- Mateo! Mateo!
♪ ♪
(distorted) Mateo!
Mateo!
- _
- (chuckles)
- _
- Oh, my God.
Hey. (sighs)
- (exhales)
- (sighs)
You can't run away like that, buddy.
Wow.
That could've been...
I know. I know.
And, yeah, you're right.
You were engaged.
I didn't think about it, and I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry for
getting insecure about...
- your muscles.
- (chuckles)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hey, we all did.
I had cancer.
That's why I'm so focused now.
I like controlling my health.
I'm a dick.
(chuckles, laughs)
(chuckles)
(chuckles)
Any interest in the stock market?
Ah, no.
Real estate?
No. Comics?
No.
- Soccer?
- Yes. I like soccer.
- Yes!
- Yeah.
- All right!
- I mean,
it's something, at least.
I mean, at least I found the cash pouch.
It was taken to the
kitchen after the bussers
cleared the tables.
I brought it back to Jorge.
I just don't know what to do, Ma.
- She's just so mad.
- I know.
You're used to having your
grandma's approval. You need it.
- I don't need it.
- I beg to differ.
Let's refer, one last time,
to the Disney World proposal.
_
I'm just saying, I gave her permission
two days ago to go to Disney World.
I don't know why she
needed your permission.
You may not be on the same
side on this...
which... you'll have
to learn to live with.
Maybe you should be a family counselor.
- (laughs)
- PETRA: I've thought about things
long and hard.
_
_
And, Scott,
- I really think it's better...
- Babe, I found a buyer
for the hotel.
- What?
- As executive director
of the lounge,
I know all the high rollers.
Now, there's this French guy,
super skeezy, super rich,
comes here once a month,
he wants to invest
in beachside real estate.
I mean, he'll probably
flip it again, but who cares?
- Wow.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry, though, you were saying?
Uh, it can wait.
Would you mind introducing
me to this Frenchman...
babe?
Oh, my pleasure.
But first...
how about a little kiss.
Oh.
- Come here, you.
- (gasps)
Uh, I had to pull a Magic Mike
and rip off your shirt at the audition.
Here are your buttons.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, friends...
it was as if the poster
were talking to him.
And not just because
it literally had his name on it.
RAFAEL: You okay?
- _
- (mystical humming)
RAFAEL: Okay, "guard."
1 Corinthians, 16:13.
Okay, and "sun."
- Matthew, 17:2.
- That's it!
Okay, we... so, we have 12 numbers.
BOTH: Well, bank
accounts have 12 numbers.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, rich guys.
_
Maybe this is where
Mutter hid her money.
(phone ringing)
Shh! Shh!
Talk to me, Barry.
(gasps)
I got the role!
MICHAEL: He got the role!
- Yes!
- Yes! (whoops)
- RAFAEL: Yay!
- MICHAEL: Nice.
Okay.
We're five minutes ahead of schedule.
_
Ma, stop.
_
I remember every dance move.
_
(stammers)
Stop, I'm moving forward.
Oh, thank God,
we made it. These are for you.
They don't look it,
but they're very expensive, kids.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, now, everyone, go.
Get seats.
Good luck, Mom. Good luck.
I love the energy backstage
before a performance.
Yeah, me, too.
Then, why the hell are you giving it up?
What?
I said, "Soak it in for the last time."
Yeah. I will.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
It should be noted,
Xo reminded herself she wanted a career.
Something she could build.
All right, everyone.
Places.
Go, go, go, go.
(audience applauds)
Don't worry,
I won't put you through the recital.
I mean, it was cute...
if your kid was in it.
(whooping) Bravo!
Miss Xo, come up here.
(audience cheers)
And that's when it hit her.
("Beauty School Dropout" plays)
♪ Your story's sad to tell ♪
♪ Middle-aged ♪
♪ Not doing so well ♪
♪ Most mixed up young grandmother ♪
♪ On the block ♪
♪ Your future's so unclear now ♪
♪ What's left of your career now? ♪
♪ Can't even keep a
job as a bank teller ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ Ah, Ah ♪
♪ Open a dance school ♪
♪ You'll see your dreams
and hopes come true ♪
♪ Open a dance school ♪
♪ Lead your own
funky, hip-hop crew ♪
♪ Well,
it's great that you have taken time ♪
♪ To think and clear your head up ♪
♪ But the wait is over now ♪
♪ I'm telling you
it's time to step up ♪
♪ Jenna Dewan Tatum ♪
♪ Jenna Dewan Tatum ♪
♪ She'd be so very proud of you ♪
♪ And even Channing ♪
♪ And even Channing ♪
♪ Could learn a move
or two from you ♪
♪ If you open up a dance school ♪
♪ You'd have your
cake and eat it, too ♪
- ♪ Believe in yourself for once ♪
- ♪ La, la ♪
- ♪ And open a dance school ♪
- ♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ La, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Listen to me, Xo ♪
♪ Open a dance school ♪
♪ Open a dance school ♪
♪ Take our advice, Mom ♪
♪ Open a dance school ♪
♪ Open a dance school ♪
♪ Open a dance ♪
- ♪ School... ♪
- ♪ La, la, la, la, la... ♪
(applause and cheering)
A dance studio! Yes!
It's so perfect. I can be my own boss,
I won't be stuck in an office all day,
I can teach
how I want, there's room to grow...
_
I agree... it's perfect.
Now all I have to do
is figure out how to
open my own business.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And from one new business plan...
Oh, you totally charmed Frenchie.
There's no way he's
not buying this hotel.
I mean, he'll probably dump it
right after, but what do we care?
To a much riskier business plan.
So I was thinking...
we start looking for
houses in Palm Beach.
Here's the thing... Scott.
I can't marry you.
What?
Why?
I've been married twice...
and seeing this ring on my finger, it...
made me realize I need to
be on my own for a while.
It's me.
It's not.
You've been a...
true surprise.
No, this is about me.
Is your mind made up?
It is.
(sighs, chuckles softly)
You are the most incredible
woman I've ever been with.
- Stop.
- No, I mean it.
You came from nowhere,
and you've made yourself into this...
total badass.
Anyway, I... I won't argue.
I mean, if you're willing to
walk away from this hotel,
which is all your
blood, sweat and tears,
well, then you can walk
away from anything.
(chuckles) Even me.
(door opens)
(door closes)
I want to be in touch with my relatives.
_
I know.
But I'm still gonna do it.
Look, I've always wanted to please you.
It's always been so important to me.
_
No, of course it is.
_
Because...
this is important to me, too.
A-And I'm not always
gonna agree with you.
I-I can't always agree with you.
(exhales)
(takes deep breath)
Okay.
_
JANE: I'll just keep it
separate from my grandma.
We'll get past this.
And then you'll reach out to Catalina?
- (sighs)
- Jane! Hi!
_
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well,
she won't have to reach far.
(laughs)
U-Uh, oh, my God.
What are you... doing here?
It's such a long story.
Agreed. And we're not there yet.
- _
- We're here.
Full frontal nudity?
Oh, dear. You'll see in your contract
you did agree to the
Telemasivo morality clause,
and as such,
all nudity in television and film
is not permitted, as
it tarnishes our brand.
So what are you saying,
I can't take the part?
She didn't say that.
I didn't say that.
It's at our discretion.
So you can do it...
If you do something for us in exchange.
Uh-oh.
I wonder what that's all about.
And speaking of payback.
Thank you for not sending me away.
My children are bonded to you.
It's the only reason I'm
allowing you to stay.
Do it.
(whimpers)
- (mechanical buzzing)
- (Anezka shrieking, crying)
(buzzing stops)
Perfect.
(faint whimpering)
(crying)
Oh, stop it. You'll cut bangs.
PETRA: So, I've had a change of heart.
I'm not walking away from this hotel.
- You are.
- What?
I'm going to stay here
and run it with my...
two-thirds majority. And you're going
to sell your sister's last third
to a bidder of my choice.
And what if I don't?
Then I'll make every minute of your life
a living hell.
Why are you doing this?
I'm only going to say this once,
and if you repeat it, I'll deny it.
You were right.
It wasn't me.
And I heard
everything.
Every... single...
(Elsa crying)
Oh...
Could I say something?
It's just...
awesome watching you
with the babies.
Oh, thanks.
I'm serious. For a second there,
I thought you were
missing the "Mom Gene."
(whispers) thing.
So I'm not leaving.
You are.
Oh, what?
I tried nice.
And I was freaking paralyzed,
and nobody even noticed.
So I am done...
with nice.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Get ready, friends.
The bitch is back.
Jane got married to Michael,
but she had a son with Rafael.
And Michael and Rafael were...
yeah, pretty tense.
Also tense, Jane's father, Rogelio.
See, he was in a race with his rival,
Esteban,
to make the leap from telenovelas
to American levision.
Unfortunately, Esteban had the lead.
ROGELIO: Esteban got the part on
Hawaii Five-O.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But,
Rogelio had a new best bro,
Rafael...
He's a real cutie.
Who he recently discovered was handsome.
And Rafael said he'd introduce
Rogelio to his friend,
a big-time Hollywood producer.
Oh, and Xiomara was also
looking for a change.
And she decided to
search for a new career.
And Alba had a new career, too,
at the Marbella gift shop.
And while we're on Alba,
Jane was basing her novel
on her grandma's life.
Only Alba didn't want to
share the letters from
her estranged sister.
_
And speaking of complicated
family dynamics,
Rafael's mother was a crime lord.
_
And she was murdered!
And that she left a Bible
with some mysterious words underlined.
DENNIS: "Angels guard the sun."
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I know, cray-cray, right?
Let's see, what else?
What else? Um...
Jane and Michael were
moving out of their place,
so you might see boxes.
Oh, I know what else!
There was a new love affair
sweeping the Marbella...
Petra and Scott.
Yeah, that Scott... The one Jane hated.
But here's the thing,
it wasn't really Petra.
It was her twin sister, Anezka.
See, Anezka had paralyzed Petra
and taken her place.
- And finally,
- (shrieks)
after three freakin' months,
Jane realized...
I don't think that's Petra.
Which, my friends,
is where we left off.
As you all well know,
our Jane always had strong opinions.
- _
- Okay, here's why I think you
should reevaluate your
Disney World decision.
- Jane...
- Just hear me out.
Lina's sister won free
tickets on the radio,
so it won't cost anything.
And yes, it's a school day,
but we'll be home by 8:00
and I'll do all my classwork in advance,
I promise.
Please, Abuela. You can trust me.
_
_
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
Priorities.
I don't care that Paulina's
pretending to be her sister,
she needs to end up with Carlos Daniel
and he needs to stay the
heck away from Gemma.
Like I said,
Jane always had strong opinions.
So when she was unsure...
well, it was a pretty big deal.
On the one hand, if Anezka did
paralyze and impersonate Petra,
well, then so many
things would make sense.
There's a sentence you
don't hear every day.
But on the other hand, it's... (exhales)
Straight out of a telenovela?
- Crazy.
- Totally crazy.
But what if it's true?
Then we have to do something.
But what if we do something
and it's not true?
Then things will get even worse.
Hard to imagine things getting worse
between Petra and Jane.
(yelling)
Or Petra and Rafael, for that matter.
And I will tell the cops,
unless you sign your shares over to me.
You have 24 hours.
Jane...
it can't be true.
_
But what if it is true?
No, stop,
I just convinced myself it couldn't be.
But that would explain
her weird behavior.
Maybe we should see what the cop thinks.
The cop thinks you need more evidence,
as discussed.
Thanks.
- You okay?
- NARRATOR: Don't worry,
we'll be getting back
to that teddy bear.
Yeah, yeah, just sore.
Trying to get back in shape
so I can pass my physical for work.
Oh. Well hey, if you ever want
to use the Marbella gym...
Oh, maybe I'll take you up on that.
Cool, I'm there most days
around lunch, so, hope to see you.
Cool, cool.
Bye, buddy. (kissing)
Oh. (laughs)
All right. Bye. Bye.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Let's see
how long she can wait before...
That was sweet, huh?
Him inviting you to work
out at the Marbella?
Yeah.
So...
are you gonna go? (chuckles)
Maybe.
I mean, it's just that
Rafael is making an effort.
And it would be, you know,
nice if you said yes to the date.
Not a date.
Sorry, sorry, the meet up.
The workout, the hang.
If I say yes,
you promise not to make
a big deal out of it?
Yes. (scoffs) Yeah, of course.
No problem.
- I'll text him.
- Cool.
Ooh. (sniffs) Somebody
has a stinky diaper.
Let's go change you, Mr. Sweetface.
- (joyful music playing)
- Daddy and Michael
are going on a date!
Daddy and Michael are going on a date!
Ooh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. (whoops)
_
They're really going on a date?
Yes!
Well, we're not allowed to call it that,
but yes.
Honestly, I feel like they're
putting the past behind them,
- finally.
- (scoffs)
It's nice when people do that.
Move on from the past.
_
Yes, last rehearsal before recital,
full house.
Come on, Abuela.
I really want you to reconsider
showing me your sister's letters.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
A sister, I'll remind you,
she hasn't spoken to in 42 years.
_
Exactly. I don't know them.
And I've always wanted to
learn about our family.
You know that.
Plus, I'm writing this novel
and those letters are
full of details, right?
Things you can't make up.
Please, Abuela.
_
And you won't have to, I promise.
I won't bring her up again.
You can trust me.
Thank you!
I love you!
Mwah!
XIOMARA: It was only a matter of time.
You always give in to her.
_
NARRATOR: I'm with Xiomara on this one.
Remember the Disney World cliffhanger?
(sighs)
Okay...
_
_
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I have to call Lina.
_
Somewhat less trustworthy...
Thanks for dropping off the girls.
Now I hope you have the paperwork.
You are now officially in
control of my hotel shares.
But I wish you wouldn't do this.
We'll update you if we find a buyer.
I'm sure they'll keep you on
as part of the transition team.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, if only.
(chuckles)
This is, uh... this is Elsa's new bear.
It was the only thing that
stopped her tantrum last night.
Told you we'd get back to the bear.
_
Good. Tell him I'm glad.
He says he is glad.
Also, thanks for
inviting him to the gym.
Um, I didn't say that.
No, that part was from me.
Well, it doesn't seem like that.
It seems like it's from me,
with an exclamation mark,
like I'm way too excited.
Okay fine, I'll just write him
back and say it was from me.
No, no, stop. Then it'll be a thing.
(chuckles) Oh, look, he wrote back.
- _
- What'd he say?
Yeah.
_
(chuckles) I'm kidding.
Mwah. Now go.
I have a lot of reading
to do before bed.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
Alba's letters from her sister.
Happy reading.
(glissando)
(gasps)
Which brings us back here,
now, to...
_
_
I'm sorry. I-I should be translating.
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
You're still up?
It's crazy, Michael.
My family, it's huge!
Let me see.
(magical chimes)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: So yeah,
it didn't look like that,
(gasps) but it felt like that.
I have aunts and uncles
and cousins... so many cousins.
I want to Google everyone.
(yawns)
Tomorrow.
- Mm.
- Come to bed, it's late.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It really was.
ANEZKA: ♪ Ring around the rosie ♪
♪ A pocketful of posies ♪
♪ Ashes, ashes, we all fall down. ♪
Things just felt different.
Been acting odd.
SCOTT: Oh, stop.
You know I want to, babe.
(gasping)
ANEZKA: I love you.
I love you, too.
ROGELIO: I didn't sleep
a wink last night!
(yawns) Yeah, I was up pretty late, too.
Really?
You don't show it.
Well, of course, you are...
five, six years younger than I am.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR (laughing):
Yeah, right.
But still,
that skin.
Not a line,
not a blemish,
not a single visible pore.
I can't believe it took
me so long to realize
how handsome you are.
So, uh, you want to hear
a little background on my buddy Spencer?
Ah yes, the film producer
Rafael went to college with.
No need.
I Jane'd this sitch and
researched him online!
- (door opens)
- Which was a good thing
- because...
- Mr. Davis is here to see you.
Mr. Davis, hello!
Mr. Davis, I'm so sorry!
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Uh-oh.
(grunts)
(door closes)
I can't believe I Googled
the wrong Spencer Davis!
Yeah, I mean, you know,
anyone could have done it.
Do you think he'll forgive me?
(groans) It's...
it's just how you went
on about his wife.
- Don't remind me.
- Who had died...
The other Spencer Davis
had a very contentious divorce.
You called her a bitch.
No, he did.
I mean, the other guy.
Please, please.
Can you fix this?
Starring in his movies,
it's a dream of mine.
You don't even know what his movies are!
Any movie... in America.
Rafael, please.
I didn't want to tell anyone,
but I saw a promo for
Esteban's Hawaii Five-O arc.
(dramatic music playing)
Aloha.
We need to talk.
Okay, I'll see what I can do.
My God, those lats are unbelievable!
Really unbelievable, you guys.
I'll see you Saturday.
Don't forget what color you're wearing,
and I'll bring headbands.
(chuckles)
(door closes, Alba sighs)
_
Yup.
The end of an era.
Anyway,
what do you think of me
as a real estate agent?
No office, every day is different.
(phone rings)
_
_
Hello?
_
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
It's like she saw a ghost.
- Your sister called you?
- Or heard from a ghost.
_
I promise, I didn't contact her.
_
I made a donation this
morning to a GoFundMe.
It's run by one of her granddaughters,
for medicine in Venezuela. I mean...
maybe she saw my name
and told her grandma.
_
_
_
I didn't think...
_
_
Abuela, I'm so sorry.
(phone beeps)
Abuela?
I really screwed up. (sighs)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
It should be noted,
our Jane was determined
to make things right
with her abuela.
It should also be noted,
it wasn't really up to her.
JANE: I'm serious,
she's never been this mad at me.
Or mad at you, period.
Will you talk to her?
Get her to hear me out?
- (copier beeps)
- I'll try.
_
All right, 100 programs.
Thank you.
You're really going all
out for this recital, huh?
Yeah, it's my last one, so...
Anyway,
what do you think of beauty school?
I think... Grease was on last night.
Yeah.
I think I mostly just want an angel
to fall from the sky
and tell me what to do.
_
Ooh, should we go down to the gym
and see how their date is going?
Yeah, maybe we can put on
face masks from the spa
and spy on them.
(chuckles)
You're kidding, right?
We can't do that.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But we can.
(grunting)
_
Wow.
(chuckles) A lot of reps.
Oh, you just got to push yourself.
Oh, yeah.
So what's your sched...
ule like? Like, what
do you do every day?
Uh, cardio four times a week;
Monday, Wednesday... Chest and back
Tuesday, Thursday... Bis and tris,
and Saturday, I blast my core.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I got to get to the gym more.
Wow.
Do you have time for anything else?
You just got to prioritize it.
Oh yeah, it's clearly a...
clearly a big priority.
See, I'm not trying to get
that intense for my physical.
I just kind of got to, you know,
build up my endurance.
Uh, keep my BP low.
Got it.
(grunting)
So, um, did you think about the words
your mom underlined in the Bible?
"Angels guard the sun."
Yeah, no idea.
Did your mom ever mention...
You know, I'd just rather not talk about
my dead mom, the criminal,
- (chuckles)
- in the middle of the day,
in the middle of my gym.
(chuckling) Yeah, yeah. Gotcha. Sorry.
It's okay.
You like baseball?
(grunting)
- Football.
- Sure. Sure, sure.
Game of Thrones?
- Hodor! Hod...
- You know, I'm just
really not a big talker in the gym.
Right.
Got to focus on the reps.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Sorry,
I just can't watch this any longer.
All right.
Whoops. (chuckles)
Um...
_
- Thanks again.
- You got it.
(sighs) Oh, God.
Oh, my sweatshirt.
(sighs)
You still free to meet up?
Yeah, just give me
ten minutes to shower.
WOMAN: We can meet in the shower.
RAFAEL: Mm.
JANE: So... how was the gym?
It was fine.
Wh-what do you mean, fine?
Wh-what happened?
He's just... (exhales)
What?
Nothing.
- Michael.
- Such a player!
With his muscles and his flirting.
He was flirting with you?
No, not me.
But as we were leaving
there was a woman,
clearly married,
he said to meet in his place,
in the shower.
He has Mateo.
It's that she's married,
that's the point.
Anyway, forget I said anything.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, right.
We just have nothing
in common, that's it.
XIOMARA: The whole family
dynamic is complicated...
and Jane didn't respect that.
But come on, Ma.
She would never do anything
intentionally to hurt you,
you know that.
_
_
Yes, I understand that
a hundred percent.
Good. Then I think I can
get her to talk to you.
Speaking from experience,
it's good when she's really pissed
to give her at least
48 hours to cool down.
- Mm.
- (knocking on door)
Oh, that's your dad.
What's this big thing he
wants to talk to us about?
Oh, I have no idea.
So, Rafael worked his magic
and got me an audition
- for the film...
- (gasps)
despite my unfortunate
meeting with the producer.
Ro, that's so great.
- Yeah, congratulations.
- Wait.
I went to the studio
and read the script.
It's very secretive,
that means it's good,
probably a festival opener.
Hopefully not Sundance.
Finding a flattering parka will be hell.
Anyway,
it turns out that if I get the part...
I will have to reveal
all of myself on film.
Yeah, well, that's
what acting is, right?
Raw, emotional, vulnerable.
- I mean my penis.
- (quiet gasps)
I will have to reveal my penis.
Oh. The role requires
full frontal nudity.
Wow.
Fassbender did it, it's
a great career move,
plus, obviously,
I'm extremely comfortable with it.
But of course,
I want to make sure
- you are comfortable.
- Me?
Well, Michael and Xiomara
already have seen my penis.
♪ ♪
So, will you be comfortable
seeing it 40 feet high?
I'm not even comfortable
having this conversation.
So no.
I'll just look away.
But it's my only scene.
You know what, Dad?
We'll just worry about
it when the time comes.
Go for it, okay?
_
(chuckles)
ANEZKA: Yes, Mother,
I understand your threats,
and I'm sick of them.
Okay, I'll kill her then.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Kill her? Kill who?
Oh, yeah? Watch me.
What the...
Don't worry, beautiful sister.
I only say that to make
Mother stop with her threats.
I would never kill you.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Even psychos have boundaries.
Wait, that's not fair of me.
With her background,
she probably has attachment
disorder exacerbated by...
Okay, time for your medicine.
- Nope, she's a psycho.
- (door opening)
What are you doing? Stop!
- What are you doing? Get out.
- I heard you on the phone.
You were spying on me?
You said you would kill someone.
Why would you say that?
I was trying to get my mother
off the phone. Now, get out!
I'll remind you, the psycho
has to re-administer the paralytic.
No. Like right now.
I'm not going anywhere... Anezka.
What?
That's right.
I know who you are.
You're crazy.
I'm calling security.
Go ahead. Do it.
And friends that's when...
Oh, my God, she moved.
I just saw her move.
What? No, she didn't.
Get the nurse. Now.
_
It's okay, you're okay.
What's your name?
And friends, at last she said...
Anezka.
Wait, what?
I... am... Anezka.
I am... I'm so sorry.
I thought that she was...
- That's okay.
- Really?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Remember, act like Petra.
No. No, not really.
How dare you? Get the
hell out of my home.
(scoffs)
(door opens and closes)
Give me a moment alone with my sister.
(door closes)
I am so sorry, beautiful sister.
Mother made me do it, she said...
(croaks)
What?
(groans)
- What?
- (gasps)
Do you have any idea
what you'ouve put me through?
(laughing)
(grunts)
(gasping)
Why did you protect me?
Because of the shares.
They'd be void.
Rafael signed them to you as me.
Now listen closely,
because you're going to jail
unless you do exactly as I say.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And friends, that's when Petra
said the scariest thing
Anezka ever heard.
First, I want you to
break up with Scott.
I can't.
You have to.
He'll suspect something.
At-at-at-at...
at least let me start to
pull away from him first...
to prepare him.
(baby crying)
That's Elsa.
Should I...?
JANE: I was just so
sure it wasn't Petra.
I know. (sighs)
Think your dad's got one of those,
"I'm sorry I thought your sister
"was impersonating you" gift baskets?
He might. I mean, it's
straight out of a telenovela.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Exactly!
Oh, Michael's sweatshirt;
he left it at the gym.
Thank you.
So...
What happened with you two?
Let's just say...
I get what you two see in each other.
What does that mean?
- The judgey thing...
- What?
You told me you were judgey
the first week I met you.
I'm allowed to say that.
- Well, Michael's not judgey.
- Oh, trust me, he is.
He saw you flirting
with a married woman;
he's going to say something.
What? What were you talking about?
- He was picking apart my workout.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: The gym, yes.
Gotta get back, writing it down.
- What married woman?
- She had a ring.
You were joking about
taking a shower together?
With Claire?
Okay, first of all, she's not married.
I don't know what the ring was.
But she's also a friend from college,
and partners with Spencer Davis.
The guy your dad insulted?
Yeah, I was trying to
get him an audition.
MICHAEL: No, I'm so sorry.
I feel like an ass.
Yeah, okay. I love you.
(phone beeps)
Wow, I basically just blew up
months of progress on the family front.
What happened?
I told Jane something I shouldn't have.
Rafael's gotta hate me.
I mean, I would hate me if I were him.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
It should be noted Rogelio felt
Michael's sharing was a cry for help.
Which, by the way, it wasn't at all.
Nevertheless, friends,
his wheels started turning.
(computer chimes)
Oh, my God.
_
_
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: On the one hand,
Jane was pretty sure...
Okay, completely sure...
That her abuela would
not want her to respond.
On the other hand, it's
her freaking cousin!
The girl has never had a cousin before!
This is big, people!
_
(chimes)
_
_
_
_
(chimes)
(chimes)
(chuckles)
_
(chimes)
_
_
Oh, my God! Jane!
Hi.
Hi. (laughing)
Hey.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Which brings us here, now.
_
I wanted to apologize for what happened.
I know it must have been awful
hearing from your
sister out of the blue.
I should never have risked that.
I'm sorry, Abuela.
_
But wait.
Last night, a cousin wrote me.
_
Her name is Catalina.
She's your sister's son's daughter.
Jane...
I'm just telling you
this so that you know.
You won't hear about her again.
_
Abuela, that's not fair.
_
Well, maybe things should open up.
_
I know your sister ruined your wedding,
but don't you think it's time?
_
_
_
_
What?
_
_
_
What?
(gasps)
_
_
_
There are cameras
everywhere. I'll fix this.
ANEZKA: Okay, all fixed.
Back to blonde.
Good.
Now, you've laid enough groundwork.
- Go break up with Scott.
- (cell phone ringing)
Do you have $40 million
to b two-thirds of the Marbella back?
No, but...
- Then why are you calling me?
- (phone beeps)
And why are you still standing there?
- Go break up with...
- Scott?
Look, I know things
haven't been great with us,
but I have to ask you a favor.
(sniffles)
- Oh.
- Sorry. Sorry.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, come on!
Wait, Scott...
You don't have to act like you care.
No, but I do.
In that I don't want you to be,
like, extremely upset.
I think...
I think Petra's gonna break up with me.
- Oh, I-I'm sure that's not true.
- It is.
I-I don't know what happened.
I-I really thought Scetra was forever.
_
I don't know what changed.
ROGELIO: Changing lanes, Matelio.
This really isn't a good time for lunch,
so maybe somewhere close?
Close. Got it.
Couldn't have cleaned that seat off
before I got in?
No, not really, no.
- What the hell is this?
- What's going on?
ROGELIO: I am the
patriarch of this family,
so when things break down,
it is my responsibility
to build them back up again.
It's time to hash this out,
man to man.
- To man to man.
- Rogelio, we really...
- I really don't think...
- No excuses, this is happening.
I really don't have time for this.
We'll do it quickly. Michael,
you said you messed up,
and you wanted to make it better.
So...
Okay, um...
Look, I'm sorry for
jumping to conclusions
- and for telling Jane.
- Running to Jane.
I wouldn't describe it as running.
- Oh, no, you ran.
- Okay.
I'm sorry for running to Jane.
Um, it wasn't cool, and I'm sorry.
Well, thank you for apologizing.
I just... I really
thought you were sleeping
with that producer woman.
Well, we all make mistakes.
Of course he was sleeping with her!
How do you think I got the audition?
- Rogelio. Rogelio!
- Is this true?
- Look, it doesn't matter...
- I knew it.
You're still the same shallow playboy
- all about the muscles...
- Even if I was sleeping with her,
it's none of your business.
I can sleep with whoever I want.
Oh, I thought she was married.
- (phone rings)
- You really think I'd sleep
- with a married woman?
- Shh! It's my agent.
What's the word, Barry?
Just checking in, wanted to give you
some love before the audition.
The audition is tomorrow, Barry,
but I'll always take love.
It's not tomorrow, it's in ten minutes.
The e-mail said tomorrow.
It did not. Oh, shoot!
I'm looking at it. It did!
Someone's getting fired.
Can you get over there?
You have to get over there.
Okay, I'm on my way. Don't worry, Barry.
U-turn, Matelio!
- (loud pop)
- Whoa!
JANE: No...
Of course Petra doesn't
think less of you
because of this... incident.
- Really?
- People pass gas. It happens.
- She doesn't.
- (quietly) Wow.
- I never deserved her.
- Hey!
Stop. You're... great.
Yeah? What's so great about me?
(scoffs) Well, I mean, you're...
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Unscrupulous.
- Ambitious.
- And...
- A tyrant.
Authoritative.
And you have a signature style.
It's a modified Alex P. Keaton.
I grew up as a latch-key kid.
My parents' idea of a babysitter
was Family Ties reruns.
Gotcha. Well, before we go
too deep into your childhood,
I did have a favor.
ROGELIO: Help! Take it!
I got it. I got it.
Okay, your Uber's gonna
be here in three minutes.
- You're gonna make it, Rogelio.
- Thank you, Michael.
I can't believe I got the day wrong.
No...!
This is not happening.
I can't go to the audition
covered in tire grease!
You can use my shirt.
(sexy saxophone music)
♪ ♪
Oh, come on.
Hey! (horn honks)
(quietly) Wow.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And from one hot piece...
to... Scott.
I need to tell you something.
Yeah, there's something
I need to say, too.
So, did you break up with him?
No...
We got engaged!
- What?
- I know! I was surprised, too.
Everyone was.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes!
Yes! (laughs)
No, no, you... you can't marry Scott.
I know.
I just wanted, for once,
just to see what it would feel like
to just be really...
truly happy.
Okay, I'll break up with him myself.
Give me the ring.
- MICHAEL: It's the silver ring.
- I know what a lug nut is.
Are you sure you lifted
the jack high enough?
Yes.
- Because that could be the problem.
- I know how to change a tire.
Well, if you knew how to change a tire,
you wouldn't be having so much trouble
marrying the lug nut to the bolts.
- "Marrying"?
- That was an accident.
- Seriously?
- I didn't mean that.
She is not married.
- Let it go.
- Well, Jane was engaged.
What?
We were engaged.
You didn't seem to give a
damn about that. Not once.
Where's Mateo? Where's Mateo?
- Mateo! Mateo!
- Mateo! Mateo!
♪ ♪
(distorted) Mateo!
Mateo!
- _
- (chuckles)
- _
- Oh, my God.
Hey. (sighs)
- (exhales)
- (sighs)
You can't run away like that, buddy.
Wow.
That could've been...
I know. I know.
And, yeah, you're right.
You were engaged.
I didn't think about it, and I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry for
getting insecure about...
- your muscles.
- (chuckles)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hey, we all did.
I had cancer.
That's why I'm so focused now.
I like controlling my health.
I'm a dick.
(chuckles, laughs)
(chuckles)
(chuckles)
Any interest in the stock market?
Ah, no.
Real estate?
No. Comics?
No.
- Soccer?
- Yes. I like soccer.
- Yes!
- Yeah.
- All right!
- I mean,
it's something, at least.
I mean, at least I found the cash pouch.
It was taken to the
kitchen after the bussers
cleared the tables.
I brought it back to Jorge.
I just don't know what to do, Ma.
- She's just so mad.
- I know.
You're used to having your
grandma's approval. You need it.
- I don't need it.
- I beg to differ.
Let's refer, one last time,
to the Disney World proposal.
_
I'm just saying, I gave her permission
two days ago to go to Disney World.
I don't know why she
needed your permission.
You may not be on the same
side on this...
which... you'll have
to learn to live with.
Maybe you should be a family counselor.
- (laughs)
- PETRA: I've thought about things
long and hard.
_
_
And, Scott,
- I really think it's better...
- Babe, I found a buyer
for the hotel.
- What?
- As executive director
of the lounge,
I know all the high rollers.
Now, there's this French guy,
super skeezy, super rich,
comes here once a month,
he wants to invest
in beachside real estate.
I mean, he'll probably
flip it again, but who cares?
- Wow.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry, though, you were saying?
Uh, it can wait.
Would you mind introducing
me to this Frenchman...
babe?
Oh, my pleasure.
But first...
how about a little kiss.
Oh.
- Come here, you.
- (gasps)
Uh, I had to pull a Magic Mike
and rip off your shirt at the audition.
Here are your buttons.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, friends...
it was as if the poster
were talking to him.
And not just because
it literally had his name on it.
RAFAEL: You okay?
- _
- (mystical humming)
RAFAEL: Okay, "guard."
1 Corinthians, 16:13.
Okay, and "sun."
- Matthew, 17:2.
- That's it!
Okay, we... so, we have 12 numbers.
BOTH: Well, bank
accounts have 12 numbers.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, rich guys.
_
Maybe this is where
Mutter hid her money.
(phone ringing)
Shh! Shh!
Talk to me, Barry.
(gasps)
I got the role!
MICHAEL: He got the role!
- Yes!
- Yes! (whoops)
- RAFAEL: Yay!
- MICHAEL: Nice.
Okay.
We're five minutes ahead of schedule.
_
Ma, stop.
_
I remember every dance move.
_
(stammers)
Stop, I'm moving forward.
Oh, thank God,
we made it. These are for you.
They don't look it,
but they're very expensive, kids.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, now, everyone, go.
Get seats.
Good luck, Mom. Good luck.
I love the energy backstage
before a performance.
Yeah, me, too.
Then, why the hell are you giving it up?
What?
I said, "Soak it in for the last time."
Yeah. I will.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
It should be noted,
Xo reminded herself she wanted a career.
Something she could build.
All right, everyone.
Places.
Go, go, go, go.
(audience applauds)
Don't worry,
I won't put you through the recital.
I mean, it was cute...
if your kid was in it.
(whooping) Bravo!
Miss Xo, come up here.
(audience cheers)
And that's when it hit her.
("Beauty School Dropout" plays)
♪ Your story's sad to tell ♪
♪ Middle-aged ♪
♪ Not doing so well ♪
♪ Most mixed up young grandmother ♪
♪ On the block ♪
♪ Your future's so unclear now ♪
♪ What's left of your career now? ♪
♪ Can't even keep a
job as a bank teller ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ Ah, Ah ♪
♪ Open a dance school ♪
♪ You'll see your dreams
and hopes come true ♪
♪ Open a dance school ♪
♪ Lead your own
funky, hip-hop crew ♪
♪ Well,
it's great that you have taken time ♪
♪ To think and clear your head up ♪
♪ But the wait is over now ♪
♪ I'm telling you
it's time to step up ♪
♪ Jenna Dewan Tatum ♪
♪ Jenna Dewan Tatum ♪
♪ She'd be so very proud of you ♪
♪ And even Channing ♪
♪ And even Channing ♪
♪ Could learn a move
or two from you ♪
♪ If you open up a dance school ♪
♪ You'd have your
cake and eat it, too ♪
- ♪ Believe in yourself for once ♪
- ♪ La, la ♪
- ♪ And open a dance school ♪
- ♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ La, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Listen to me, Xo ♪
♪ Open a dance school ♪
♪ Open a dance school ♪
♪ Take our advice, Mom ♪
♪ Open a dance school ♪
♪ Open a dance school ♪
♪ Open a dance ♪
- ♪ School... ♪
- ♪ La, la, la, la, la... ♪
(applause and cheering)
A dance studio! Yes!
It's so perfect. I can be my own boss,
I won't be stuck in an office all day,
I can teach
how I want, there's room to grow...
_
I agree... it's perfect.
Now all I have to do
is figure out how to
open my own business.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And from one new business plan...
Oh, you totally charmed Frenchie.
There's no way he's
not buying this hotel.
I mean, he'll probably dump it
right after, but what do we care?
To a much riskier business plan.
So I was thinking...
we start looking for
houses in Palm Beach.
Here's the thing... Scott.
I can't marry you.
What?
Why?
I've been married twice...
and seeing this ring on my finger, it...
made me realize I need to
be on my own for a while.
It's me.
It's not.
You've been a...
true surprise.
No, this is about me.
Is your mind made up?
It is.
(sighs, chuckles softly)
You are the most incredible
woman I've ever been with.
- Stop.
- No, I mean it.
You came from nowhere,
and you've made yourself into this...
total badass.
Anyway, I... I won't argue.
I mean, if you're willing to
walk away from this hotel,
which is all your
blood, sweat and tears,
well, then you can walk
away from anything.
(chuckles) Even me.
(door opens)
(door closes)
I want to be in touch with my relatives.
_
I know.
But I'm still gonna do it.
Look, I've always wanted to please you.
It's always been so important to me.
_
No, of course it is.
_
Because...
this is important to me, too.
A-And I'm not always
gonna agree with you.
I-I can't always agree with you.
(exhales)
(takes deep breath)
Okay.
_
JANE: I'll just keep it
separate from my grandma.
We'll get past this.
And then you'll reach out to Catalina?
- (sighs)
- Jane! Hi!
_
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well,
she won't have to reach far.
(laughs)
U-Uh, oh, my God.
What are you... doing here?
It's such a long story.
Agreed. And we're not there yet.
- _
- We're here.
Full frontal nudity?
Oh, dear. You'll see in your contract
you did agree to the
Telemasivo morality clause,
and as such,
all nudity in television and film
is not permitted, as
it tarnishes our brand.
So what are you saying,
I can't take the part?
She didn't say that.
I didn't say that.
It's at our discretion.
So you can do it...
If you do something for us in exchange.
Uh-oh.
I wonder what that's all about.
And speaking of payback.
Thank you for not sending me away.
My children are bonded to you.
It's the only reason I'm
allowing you to stay.
Do it.
(whimpers)
- (mechanical buzzing)
- (Anezka shrieking, crying)
(buzzing stops)
Perfect.
(faint whimpering)
(crying)
Oh, stop it. You'll cut bangs.
PETRA: So, I've had a change of heart.
I'm not walking away from this hotel.
- You are.
- What?
I'm going to stay here
and run it with my...
two-thirds majority. And you're going
to sell your sister's last third
to a bidder of my choice.
And what if I don't?
Then I'll make every minute of your life
a living hell.
Why are you doing this?
I'm only going to say this once,
and if you repeat it, I'll deny it.
You were right.
It wasn't me.
And I heard
everything.
Every... single...
(Elsa crying)
Oh...
Could I say something?
It's just...
awesome watching you
with the babies.
Oh, thanks.
I'm serious. For a second there,
I thought you were
missing the "Mom Gene."
(whispers) thing.
So I'm not leaving.
You are.
Oh, what?
I tried nice.
And I was freaking paralyzed,
and nobody even noticed.
So I am done...
with nice.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Get ready, friends.
The bitch is back.