Jane the Virgin (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Chapter Twenty-Eight - full transcript

Latin lover narrator:
All righty, here we go.

Jane, you recall, was torn,

between her baby's daddy
Rafael,

and her ex-fiancé,
detective Michael cordero.

And guess what?
She chose Michael.

Until this happened.
You turned me in!

Jane:
Michael, calm down!

(Crying)

Only problem,

he was wrong--
it wasn't Rafael.

I am so sorry, Jane.
(Crying):
You should go.



Oh, and to make matters worse,
Michael was fired...

And then this happened.

Drive.

Also under the gun, Petra.

Remember how she stole
Rafael's last sperm sample

and Turkey-basted herself?

Well, her ex, milos,
blackmailed her

into marrying him.

What she didn't bargain for...

I also have 2,000 live-fire
hand grenades in these boxes.

Wedding provided perfect cover
to bring them in.

I know! So let's go,
because time's a-ticking.

¶ ¶
they say with children,

the days feel like years.



You can do it, Janie.

And the years...

Hurry, mom! I can't be late
for my first day of junior high.

I'm coming.

...well, they feel like days.

Dr. Garcia said
he should be totally fine.

She doesn't even think
he'll scar.
Good.

You feel better?

Yeah.

Sort of.

You don't think he'll be
scarred emotionally, will he?

She's referring, of course,
to the events of last night.

He's the best smiler ever.

Oh, I picked up the pictures
for the baby book.

Ah, yes, the famous baby book.

Jane's meticulous record

of mateo's milestones.

And for our own record keeping,
Jane was grappling

with a milestone of her own.

Xiomara:
Jane?

It's gonna take time
to get over him.

Yeah, I know.
(Sniffles)

Just got to keep
pushing forward.

So, what do
you think,

for this afternoon?

Does it say "cool" but still,
like, legitimately literary?

Very cool, very literary.

Another milestone:
Grad school orientation.

Okay, but it's not
too academic, right?

Because I don't want
to seem like a square.

Road trip? Hmm.

I was pretty sure
she was gonna kill him.

Chip?

Does this mean
you'll work with me?

I still haven't decided.

I don't know if I trust you.

Sorry, could we check something
real quick?

Okay, here's where we left off.

Drive.

I'm sorry. My bad.

It seems there was more.

Why'd you call me?

Because sin rostro
cost me... everything.

And I can't rest
knowing she's out there.

You said you worked for her

because she threatened
your family.

If that's true,
help me catch her.

You don't have to trust me.

You just have
to work with me.

What do you say?

Yes.

Michael got
into my head.

And I believed him and not you,
and I'm really sorry.

(Knocking on door)

Mr. aguilar is here.

Uh, thank you.
Send him in.

You ready?

Yes. Uh, just...

Real quick-- what exactly
does estate planning entail?

Estate planning entails

thinking and preparing
for mateo's future.

We aim to eliminate
all uncertainty.

Well, now you're
speaking my language.

She does like
to be prepared.

Okay, the basics:

Custody. Jane, you're dead.

You want Rafael to
raise mateo, right?

Uh, oh, yes.
Let's say you're

in a really bad car accident,
on life support.

Still Rafael?

Yeah.
Gotcha.

And do you
want to stay

on life support,
or do you want to be taken off,

if you're a total vegetable.

I mean, I guess taken off.

B-but not too soon.

Standard's about a month.

Okay, let's say you're
both killed in a car accident.

Latin lover narrator:
Wow, this guy's grim.

Then who gets him?

My mom, right?

And would mom be in charge
of mateo's trust fund?

Hmm?

Trust fund. It's sizeable.

And in the event
of Rafael's death,

he would come into about--
uh, what is it now, 40?

Yeah, that's about right.

Forty...?

Million. Give or take.

Observe Jane,
trying not to freak out.

¶ We on the ground,
gotta get dat money ¶

¶ we tote nine,
gotta get dat money ¶

¶ you know my clique,
gotta get dat money ¶

¶ pockets thick,
gotta get dat money... ¶

makin' it rain!

(Hip-hop melody continues)

(Cash register rings)

You're seriously complaining
about too much money?

You knew he was rich.
Yeah, not that rich.

And that kind of money's
a huge responsibility.

I don't want it
to screw mateo up.

I want him to
stay grounded.
Rogelio: Jane!

Look.

This is
just so he knows

how important he is.

Okay, first team in!

Selfie.

My last day as Santos.

Well, I told him that
I needed to look over

the terms of the
trust, which I do.

(Bell rings)
Oh.

Shh, shh-shh.
Man: We're rolling.

Director:
All right, you're bursting

to say your vows
and make love, and action.

Director:
And... freeze!

Man:
Doubles in.

Ro and luciana hate each other
so much they won't touch.

Director:
And kiss.

I just hope
they're done by 2:00.

Milos:
I said 1.9.

These are only
worth 1.7.

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes,
when we last left Petra,

you'll recall her new husband
had dropped a bomb on her.

Petra: Danek.
(Scoffs)

I assure you,

this is top-of-the-line
merchandise.

Or 2,000 hand grenades,
to be exact.

Now, milos is asking for 1.9,
you're willing to pay 1.7.

Is there perhaps
a middle ground?

Fine, 1.8.

(Chuckles)

And I sleep with your wife.

Milos! Stop, the bombs.

Deal is off.

He would have taken the bombs.

We do not negotiate
with terrorists.

(Scoffs)
I find new buyer.

Well, how long did it
take you to find danek?

Eight months.

I can't wait eight months.

I mean, do you know
how long that is?

I have some idea.

Time, it creeps in here.

Plus, I think the Russian
red-haired lady in the kitchen

is trying to poison me.

I'm sorry, sweetheart,
you were talking.

I'm just having
a really hard pregnancy.

I know, I wish I was out
so I could help you.

I really wish you were
out too, mother.

Well... there might be a way.

Latin lover narrator (Imitates
magda): Ooh, vat is the vay?
Director: Cut!

And that's a series wrap
on the passions of Santos.

So a sincere thank you

to the best and most wonderful
crew in the business.

Thank you, grips, for everything
you've... gripped.

Uh-uh. Gaffers, thank you
for all your gaffes.

Best boy, well, you are
the best, obviously.

And on and on,
you know, all of you.

And when I choose my next job,

the follow-up
to the legendary Santos,

I promise I will take
you all with me, be...

Rogelio, that won't
be necessary.

Because the entire crew
is joining me

in my next telenovela,

the sweeping historical epic
Fernando e Isabel.

Sorry, ro, they roll
right into production.

Grip number two,
how could you?

And you'll never guess
who's playing Fernando.

(Gasps)

I know, I feel really bad,

but I have to go
because of orientation.

You're good;
Give me mateo and go.

Go.

Oh, baby, oh.

(Mateo fussing)
Okay.

(Mateo coughs, spits up)
Aah...

Aah, aah...

Oh, my goodness,
oh, my goodness.

Is it terrible?

Yeah, you want to trade outfits?

Definitely not.

Rogelio:
No.

Not on my watch. Wardrobe.

Latin lover narrator:
Which brings us here, now,

to Jane's big milestone.

And I think ultimately
everything I want to express

comes from that early
childhood trauma.

And all the heroin I used to do.

Whoa, this is intense.

I think Jane was anticipating

more of a wine-and-cheese
mixer kind of thing.

Sorry. So sorry.

We'll give you a second
to join us.

Okay, thank you.

You must be Jane gloriana.

You might be wondering why Jane
isn't using her last name.

See, she had a pretty
significant Google problem.

Okay, that last one's
not so bad.

Yep.

And I just want
to apologize for being late.

That is so unlike me.

Oh, and I want to say I'm sorry
for missing the beginning

of your story,
because it sounds so intense.

And interesting.

Chavez: If you're tethered
to your electronic leash,

then you're not present,
are you?

Oh, I'm really
sorry, it' just...

"Men have become tools
of their tools."

Henry David Thoreau.

So, Jane, tell us what you hope
to gain from grad school.

Oh, I want to finish my novel.
(Others chuckling)

Well, if you'd have
been here on time,

you would have heard me say

that I'm not here to help you
finish your novel.

I'm here to help you
grow as a writer.

(Stammers)

That sounds great too.

(Cell phone buzzes)

Latin lover narrator:
Okay, mommy or school?

(Phone continues buzzing)

I'm really sorry.
I have to take this.

Hello, this is Jane,
is everything okay?

Hi, there.
Is mateo missing a hat?

Because we found one
in our waiting room.

Nope, not us.

Thanks.

(Sighs)

Latin lover narrator:
Well, it is a milestone.

Latin lover narrator: You should
know we've jumped a month.

Like I said, time flies!

And Jane, btw, had really
doubled down on school.

¶ ¶

Professor Chavez?

Do you have a sec to talk
about my piece?

I wrote extensive notes.

Oh, I know.
I feel like I owe you a new pen.

(Laughs)

No? Okay.

I just... um, you write

that "there's a predictability
to the love story."

And there is, yeah.

But that's kind of one of the
conceits of the genre, right?

That's not license
to be derivative.

Look, you have potential.

But it just feels like...
I don't know...

A first draft.

Rushed.

You might be right.

I mean, with a new baby,
it's hard to focus.

That's understood.

That's why the writer's
retreat next month
will be great for you.

Latin lover narrator:
Like an away from home retreat?

Gotcha.

And wait, just-just,
just asking, um...

Is this a mandatory thing,
technically?

This is grad school, Jane.

Nothing's mandatory.
You chose to be here.

Latin lover narrator:
Which she knew was true,
after all.

¶ Where, oh, where
is the big brown bear? ¶

¶ did he climb a tree? ¶

¶ did he scrape his knee? ¶

¶ did he count to nine?
Did he climb the vine? ¶

Latin lover narrator:
Let's check in on
some milestones, shall we?

First, mateo's...

¶ Did he climb a tree? ¶

¶ did he scrape his knee? ¶

¶ did he count to nine? ¶

¶ did he climb a vine? ¶

¶ where, oh, where
is the big brown bear? ¶

¶ did you look, can you hear ¶

¶ is the brown bear near? ¶

and Rafael...

¶ Did he run off in a hurry? ¶

¶ wait, stop!
What's that sound? ¶

¶ everybody turn around ¶

¶ where, oh, where
is the big brown bear? ¶

¶ did you look, can you hear ¶

and, of course, our Jane.

¶ Is he lost, is he worried? ¶

¶ did he run off in a hurry? ¶

¶ wait, stop!
What's that sound? ¶

¶ everybody turn around ¶

¶ look right there,
it's the big brown bear ¶

¶ he did not get lost ¶

¶ but he ate up
all my applesauce. ¶

wow, that new choreography

is overly complicated,
am I right?

It's only because
you haven't been here all month.

We've been learning it
in sections.

Oh. Yeah.

We've missed you.
I know.

Summer school,
now grad school...

The work is intense.

I don't know how you do it.

Hey, did Charlie ever recover

from the great lovey
meltdown of 2015?

You gotta tell Jane,
it's funny.

It wasn't funny.

I dropped Charlie at his dad's

and I forgot his lovey.

And he screamed for the full
hour it took me to go home,

get it, drive back
to his dad's...

So I heard that story,

I went out and
I bought ten loveys.

You did not!
Jill:
That's hilarious.

I did, I was panicked!

I want loveys everywhere.

(Laughter)

Latin lover narrator:
It should be noted
that these two

had reached a few new
relationship milestones

this past month, as well.

Let me ask you something.

Hmm?

Do you like mateo?

I want him
to stay grounded.

I just...
It seems pretty austere.

"Money for health
and education costs,

"with everything else
left in savings

until he's 50"?
He needs to learn
the value of hard work.

Won't he learn
that from us?
Well, yeah,
but it's different.

What is?
Growing up knowing
that you can just buy

ten backup loveys
if something goes wrong.

Wow.

I just mean...
No, it's fine.

I'll return the loveys.

(Phone buzzing)

I should probably take this.

You know, you don't have
to starve to be a good person.

Hello?

(Startled shout)

Please, mum,
may I have some more?

Petra:
Hi.
(Gasps)

Do you have a second?

Latin lover narrator:
Ah, yes, Petra.

She, too,
had reached some milestones.

Mateo's wearing
the onesie I got him!

He looks so cute!

Yeah, thanks again.

Latin lover narrator:
Huh. I get the feeling

she's buttering Jane up.

Sorry, I have to eat
every 15 minutes or I vomit.

Is there something
that you wanted, Petra?

Look...

My pregnancy's been...
Difficult.

Well, my mother is
up for parole soon,

and I was wondering

if maybe your family
would support her release?

Latin lover narrator:
Ah, this must be vat magda
vas talking about.

She pushed my grandmother
down the stairs.

I know. And I-I get
why you would say no.

Um...

But I'm pregnant

and overwhelmed by the...

Latin lover narrator:
Grenades.

...baby.

Would you at least
consider it?

Rogelio:
That's a hard no.

I must pass on every
projects you have presented.

Because I have found
my next project.

It is a perfect
follow-up to Santos.

A telenovela version of mad men.

We'll call it

hombres locos, no?

The original is a masterpiece,

but mine will move
much faster...

It's a fasterpiece,
if you will.

I will play don Juan draper,

somewhat
like jon hamm,

but very good-looking.

First episode, bam!

Don Juan

shoots his wife beatriz

and sets off in search of
his one true love.

Wow.

What can I say?

We're really interested.

We'll give him
a limited budget,

he'll drive it
into the ground

and then we'll
Heather Locklear him.

Put him on whatever show
needs a ratings boost.

Mateo had a nice
little growth spurt.

And he's meeting
all his milestones.

That's great.

Now, I do have
to tell you something.

And I don't want you to panic.

What's going on?

Mateo's got a fairly
pronounced case

of what we call plagiocephaly.

And that sounds
worse than it is.

Basically, it means
he's got a flat head.

A flat head?
Why?

Well, he's probably spending

a little too much time
laying flat on his back.

Because babies need
to sleep on their backs,

we really need to be vigilant
about tummy time.

Latin lover narrator:
Uh-oh.

Look, it's largely
cosmetic.

But mateo's condition
is pronounced,

so there could be
some visual disturbances,

dental problems...

Which is why

some parents
choose a helmet.

A helmet?

To reshape the head.

It has to be
custom-fitted,

so mateo would wear it
23 hours a day

for about three months.

Oh, my God.

I know it sounds
like a long time.

But trust me, time flies.

Anyway, talk it over.

But if you're going
to move forward,

you should have him
fitted soon.

They take
a while to make.

Uh, okay.

Uh, we'll...
Talk it over,

we'll research it.

Yes... later.

I know you have to go.

Latin lover narrator:
What could be more important

than his child's
doctor appointment?

Ah. His other child's
doctor appointment.

Maybe we should reschedule.
Milos:
No.

We stay.

I can't take your money.

Fine, go ahead
with baby picture.

Okay, so... that

is a little girl.

And that's another little girl.

Wow! You're having twins!

No. No, I'm not.

Yeah. Yeah, you are.

Do they run
in the family?

No! No, definitely not!

Twins?

Latin lover narrator:
For those of you

keeping track at home,

that's now three
children for Rafael.

And zero sex.

Latin lover narrator:
What is she doing?

Come on.

(Panting)

Latin lover narrator:
Oh!

No...
I guess they decided
on the helmet.

Oh, I'm missing it...

¶ Pale hands
with shaky rings ¶

¶ stale taste
for finer things... ¶

oh, come on...

¶ Have you thought of what
it really means now ¶

¶ to let somebody in... ¶

Latin lover narrator:
So, yes,

a few milestones
of note, here.

¶ Would you, darling,
show me how ¶

¶ to blindly
give it all out loud ¶

¶ until I'm wearing thin ¶

¶ could you rid your devils? ¶

¶ could you stay
and settle down? ¶

¶ just to pass
the time with me? ¶

¶ could you rid your devils? ¶

¶ run through fields
and meadows? ¶

¶ does it scare you
when you think ¶

¶ when you think... ¶

my love!

Oh!

Oh, Petra!

Let me look at you.

Latin lover narrator:
So, yes.

A few milestones of note
here, too.

(Vocalist improvising gently
with melody)

(Song ends)

Wow!

We thick around
middle, huh?

Yes, I'm pregnant with twins.

Yes, I know,
but it's still early.

We don't want to be house.

Mother, it's not constructive

when you say things
that diminish me.

And right now, I'm-I'm
really trying to-to create

an atmosphere of
positivity around myself.

What are you
talking about?

I've started seeing
a therapist.

It's been a stressful month and
Dr. klein has really helped me

reframe things in a,
in a positive light.

Everything happens
for a reason.

I'm pregnant with twins.

Therefore, Jane took pity
on me, helped get you out.

Therefore, you can help to
get rid of the grenades.

What is that?
Is that--?

Is that a tear?

Ah...

Just to scare peoples off.

Really?

Yes, really.

Come.

Mommy help you get rid of milos.

And therapist.

So I told him, like,
I will get rid of you.

Mm-mm.
Hey.

Hey, what's up?
Hey!

How are you?
Good.

It's nice to be out here,
away from everything.

But I'm sorry, go on.
You were talking.

Oh.

Sorry, it's, uh, weird.

I was talking pretty personally
about my ex-boyfriend

and we just, like, don't
really know each other.

Wesley!
You are being
so rude.

What? It's true. I mean,
we're constantly telling

personal stories in class,
and there's no reciprocity.

Seriously, just stop.

I feel overexposed.

We know nothing personal
about her.

Okay, fine.

Do you want to know
something personal?

My son just got a medical helmet
put on his head,

and I couldn't be there.

A helmet-- why?

Because he has a flat head

from spending
too much time on his back,

while I've been writing...
Badly, apparently.

So I'm failing at being
a writer and a mom.

Well, I feel better.

Finally, some reciprocity.

So, what's the rest
of your story, Jane gloriana?

Uh, well, for one thing,
that's not my real name...

Latin lover narrator:
And so Jane told them
the whole shebang.

Highlights included:

Accidental insemination,

a rich, hot baby daddy
and a broken engagement,

mateo's kidnapping,

Jane:
That's it

in a nutshell.

Wow.

Well, nice to meet you.

And maybe it was the fact
that she'd opened up,

but that night, Jane's writing
started flowing, too.

Oh, wait, that one's real.

No...

Okay, this isn't good.

Boobs really bursting.

Cut!

We'll go tighter
just on my eyes.

Rogelio.

Hello...

My favorite network big shot.

Great to see you.

Can we talk?

As producer, director or star?

Producer.

Okay, as producer,
the director is great.

We still have a lot of shots
left to make our day, so...

Oh, I'll be quick.

You're out of money
and way behind schedule.

We're pulling the plug.

What?

The plug?

Thank you.

So, are you ready to see
the cutest little man ever?

Oh!

Oh, my God, ever!

Oh, oh, oh!

He should be up any minute
and be ready to eat.

Okay, I'll wait
to pump then.

So, did your lawyer
call back again?

Yes.

Does he want to kill me?
No.

Latin lover narrator:
A direct quote from his lawyer:

"I want to kill her."

Oh, I'm just
still thinking

through all the
different scenarios.

I mean, we can give him money
under certain conditions.

I know,
but here's the thing.

No matter how we slice it,

mateo's rich.

I know.

It's just so weird.

Oh.
(Laughs)

I'm raising a rich kid.

And-and that's just
not the way I grew up.

You know, and you said that your
childhood was all screwed up.

Yeah, but not because
I had money.

I was screwed up,
because of my family.

And that's why...

...I'm fighting
so hard for ours.

I... don't want to
complicate things.

It would actually
uncomplicate things.

It wouldn't.

Why?

Because I'm not
over him yet.

I'm sorry, I know that's
not what you want to hear.

No, no, it's, um,

it's good that I know.

(Mateo cries)

I'm gonna feed him.

He's really mad.
Sweetie, what's wrong?

It's probably the helmet.

He just feels weird.

Keep trying.

Maybe he's not hungry.

No, this is
his hungry scream!

Just give me the bottle!

Here, here, here, here.

Oh, my God.

He's weaned off me.

Where's mateo?

Ah, there he is!

And...

Jill: So, is he still
not nursing?

No, just me and the pump.

Up every three hours.
Ah.

Well, it's nice
to have you back in class.

Not that we mind having
the occasional daddy.

I know, Rafael's way better
at the hand choreography.

So, you guys are definitely...

Not together, right?

Um, no-- why?

This is awkward.
What is?

Sometimes it-it feels like
there's kind of a...

Vibe...

Between me and Rafael.

Oh.

Is it weird that, like,

I'm even bringing it up?

I--
no, it's not.

Are you sure?

Yes.
(Laughs)

(Laughs)
Yeah.

I mean, I only hesitated

because I think it's weird

that you even think
that it was weird

because it's not at all.
It's...

Whew, like...
Okay.

Of course it's weird
they have a vibe.

What does that even mean?!

That they get along well
and there's chemistry.

Hilarious.
Agreed.

Latin lover narrator:
Well, these two
have gotten chummy.

I know, I can't be
weird about it.

I have to rise above it.

You're human and he's hot.

But let me ask you this.

If you were with Michael,

would you care
who your baby daddy was dating?

No, I wouldn't.

So? Look, you're
doing the right thing

by keeping it plutonic
with Rafael.

I mean, after everything
you've told me

about his insane family--

I know, it's, like,
the curse of the solanos.

(Rogelio screams)

(Melodramatic dialogue
over TV)

What's going on?!

They're making fun
of me on television!

(Singing in Spanish)

You know the sincerest form
of flattery-- revenge!

Which I will get in the ratings
once hombres locos premieres.

But, dad, it was shut down.

Well, I have secured
a private investor.

Which I was going to announce

when I saw this atrocity!

Latin lover narrator:
And speaking of atrocities...

Good-bye, milos.
Have a safe trip.

Sorry to be leaving you,

my pregnant princess,
but it's better

I find a buyer from Prague,
so I don't kill your mother.

She's driving me insane.

Oh, good,
their plan is working.

That's because
you eat like animal.

And you don't
pick up your socks.

(Huffs)

And as soon as he is gone,
they'll ditch the grenades.

(Knocking on door)

Ah, good. Ivan.

Ivan-- the man

they accidentally took hostage?

Hello again, ladies.

What's he doing here?

He's staying with
you, sweetheart.

To make sure you and
your cow of a mother

don't get rid
of my bombs.

And speaking of cows,
(Phone ringing)

The past month,
there's been a lot of this...

Hey.

Pumping?
Always.

How'd he go down?
Oh, easy.

I mean, I rocked him for, like,
ten minutes and he was out.

So, you know Charlie's mom

from music class?

She kind of... I don't know,
she kind of asked me out.

Yeah, she actually
asked me first...

(Chuckles)
If it was weird.

Oh.

And... is it?

Of course not.

Okay.

That's great.

Anyway, I'm done,

so I should head to bed.

I got to be up

in two hours and 40 minutes.

Okay, all right, good night.

Bye.

(Phone beeps off)

(Sighs)

Jane?

Jane!

To fall asleep while someone's
reading their work?

I know, I feel terribly and-and
I promise it won't happen again.

There are a lot of people
that want to be here

and you need to prove
you're one of them.

Mm-hmm.

Until then...

You're on academic probation.

Latin lover narrator:
And she thought a c- was bad.

Latin lover narrator:
Oops. My mistake.

I'm exhausted
just looking at her.

Jane, as you can imagine,

has been burning the candle
at both ends.

(Crying)

Oh, mateo, I know, I know.

It's okay, Mr. sweetface.

I got you.

Come on.
Okay, come here.

Shush, let's find your lovey--

oh, ow, mommy's booby!

Have you seen his lovey?

Which brings us here

to Jane just plain burning up.

I'm fine.
His lovey, abuela!

His lovey?

Um...

It's here.

Rafael: So you're
pretty sick, huh?

Apparently.

What are you holding
on your boob?

A hot diaper, because I have
a clogged duct.

And mastitis, apparently, which
means that my boob has the flu

and it feels like glass shards
are shooting out when I pump.

Gotcha.

Uh, maybe you
should stop.

What?
Pumping.

I planned to nurse for a year.

Nurse, not pump.

And you got to be able to
change your plan, right?

I mean, if it's not working.

Just shut up and go away.

What?

I'm serious.

Shut up and go away.

You okay?

Yeah.

She was just a little...

Bitchy? I know.

She's the worst
when she's sick.

Uh, what?

Jane:
I can hear you!

And I hate all of you!

Ivan:
I hate to say this,

but I have to leave.

What?!

Why?

Milos was arrested for Internet
scamming in Prague.

Latin lover narrator:
Which Petra knew, of course,

since she and her mom
had been copying his files

and sending them to the Czech
authorities for the past month.

I have to go,
see who I can bribe.

Yes.

Hey.

What are you
doing back here?

Jill was tired
after the charity gala,

and I just wanted to make sure
you were feeling better.

I am.

And look, I'm sorry
about before.

(Chuckles) I've heard
of mean drunks, but...

I-I know it's weird.

It's, like, a fever
thing, I think.
Uh-huh.

But what you said--

don't you think it's selfish
to stop pumping?

I mean, what if mateo's IQ
is a point lower?

Or-or he gets more colds?

Look, with everything
happening

with you in school full-time
and not sleeping...

You really think I should stop?
Even with all the benefits?

Mateo is eating
solids now,

and he's doing great.

And I just would like to see you
start feeling great, too.

Okay.

Oh, my God, I'm so relieved.

I mean, it'll take
a month to wean,

but the end is in sight.

Petra:
Finally!

I'm so glad to be
rid of these things.

Someone could
have been killed.

Magda:
Oops, one more.

Petra:
Oh, my God.

I think the babies are kicking.

Wait, where is the pin?

(Booming)
(Screams)

Mother, please reconsider.

Let's do something
for Thanksgiving.

What I have to be grateful for?

My hook?

Petra?

Oh.
You okay?

Yeah.
How's your mother?

Slightly better.

(Mateo fusses)

(Gasps) What?

I know.

I know what you want.

Yeah.

Who taught you to do all the...

Uh, baby stuff?

My mom's not
exactly nurturing.

Eh, forget it.

You were a natural,
I'm sure.

Oh, my God, no.

(Chuckling):
Not at all.

Oh, I felt like
I knew nothing.

I still do, actually.

But it's like he's been
with me the whole time.

It's weird.

I don't feel prepared.

Yeah, well, you never
really are.

You know, it's a hard balance.

It's kind of like
you learn on the job.

And just when you think
you've figured it out,

something changes.

And then you have to do
everything different.

You'll be okay.

So I hear you two
finally have a plan.

A two-part plan, in fact.

Part one: To review the plan
every three years,

'cause we plan to reevaluate and
readjust the plan as need be.

Gotcha. And does part two have
something I could write down?

Yes, we've decided to attach
mateo's trust fund to a charity.

So for every dollar he gets,
he has to give a dollar away.

I'd like to thank
my parents, of course,

for instilling in me
the desire to give back.

Thank you to my mentors,

Michelle Obama
and Angelina Jolie,

whose fight to make sure all
girls receive an education

led me to the peace corps
and let girls learn.

I'm here at the un because
more than 62 million girls

do not have access
to an education...

(Gasps)

I'm sorry, I have to go pee-pee.

Latin lover narrator: And
speaking of a huge relief...

Well, did the telemasivo execs
like hombres locos?

They... loved it.

Wow, that's a shock.

First of all, they thought
it was hilarious.

I was, like, "it's a comedy,
(Chuckles) But okay."

Then they say I was
like a young... uh...

Oh, "desi arnaz."

Remember to
Google that guy.

Whew.

Xiomara:
You okay?

Just relieved.

The passions of Santos was

the most popular
telenovela on earth.

To follow that up,
scrutiny will be intense.

Aw, I-I didn't realize
you were feeling such pressure.

I hide my nerves
incredibly well.

It's one of my most
underrated talents.

(Knocking on door)

Jane:
Helmet's off.

Alba:
Muy lindo.

Rogelio: Yay, no helmet.
Xiomara: Yay!

Latin lover narrator:
Which brings us
to a big old milestone.

Oh, and also...

And finally...

Well, this year is easy.

I'm thankful
for mateo.

All day, every day.

Health and hair.

Always health and hair.

And I'm thankful I got to see
how hard you work, rogelio.

It's inspired me
to get after it,

my singing career,
this year.

Go, mom!

Rafael?

This.

Grateful for all of it.

(Doorbell rings)
Jane: That must be Petra.

I left mateo's lovey
at Rafael's office,

and she said she'd bring it.

Latin lover narrator:
It should be noted,

after the great lovey debacle
of last month,

there were now three backup
loveys in this very house.

I have the lovey.

Thank you so much.

He wouldn't have
been able to sleep.

You know what, come in.

Since you're here
and there's so much food.

Oh, no, no, I'm fine.

Really, I'd like it.

Come in.

Yeah, okay.

Thank you.

And thus Petra too
was grateful.

And briefly, all was right.

(Cell phone rings)

It's my lawyer.

Probably calling
to rave about the show.

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And who exactly
is this Matthew weiner?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And what does a "cease and
desist" mean, anyway?

Jane:
Stop.

No more dishes.

We'll finish tomorrow.

So, can I ask you
a question?

That's rhetorical, right?

'Cause you're gonna
ask me anyway.

What happened
between you and Jill?

I bumped into her this morning
at the supermarket,

and she acted all weird.

I told you--
we fizzled out.

It was more than
"fizzled out" weird.

Okay, do you remember
the night I realized

you're actually
a very mean person?

Oh, my God, seriously?

Anyway, as cranky and stinky
and mean as you were...

I hope this story has a point.

...I realized

that I would still
rather be with you.

At your worst.

So Jill just wasn't the person.

Latin lover narrator:
And in that moment,

Rafael saw a window
opening for him.

It's getting hot
in here, huh?

Go on a date with me.

Just one.

Say yes.

And maybe it was the Turkey,

or the first glass
of wine post-pumping,

or just the fact that enough
time had finally passed...

...but Jane said...

Yes.

Michael:
Officer barnett.

Michael.

We need to talk.

No, don't be sorry.

I'm just sad you can't
make it for dessert.

Wesley: I know, I'm just
stuck at my mom's.

Bye, Jane.

Sorry. Where were we?

Are you sure no one's
gonna find out we spoke?

No way-- "anonymous sources."

Come on, for a thousand bucks,
you better have good stuff.

Trust me, I got plenty
of dirt on the solanos.

I mean, after everything
you've told me

about his insane family...

I know, it's like
the curse of the solanos.

Latin lover narrator:
That's not fair--
the solanos aren't cursed.

In fact, there's Petra,

and she's on a bit
of an upswing.

Magda.

Looking good.

Here's the thing.

Milos knows you two set him up.

He will forgive Petra,
his wife, I suppose.

But will Petra
forgive you

when she finds out
what else you're hiding?

(Screams)

It was accident?

Latin lover narrator:
Yeah, I'm pretty sure she's
on the hook for that one.