Jane the Virgin (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Chapter Twenty-Seven - full transcript
Jane thinks she is finally ready to make a decision about her love life. Alba has taken the proper steps to become a citizen, but Xo's past might make it more difficult than anyone was expecting.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Welcome back.
Ready to hit this baby one more time?
Jane, you'll recall, was
accidentally inseminated,
and the doctor responsible... well,
that would be Rafael's sister, Luisa.
Even crazier... Jane had the baby.
But now she's caught in
a big ol' love triangle.
On the one hand...
Rafael, her son's father.
On the other hand...
Michael, her ex-fiancé
And last night, well, this happened.
Oh, and remember Raf's ex-wife Petra?
Well, she stole Rafael's last sperm sample
and inseminated herself,
and now, she was kind of in a pickle.
See, she's in debt to Milos.
I have this abusive ex-boyfriend.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And
he has come to collect.
You will marry me.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know!
Straight out of a telenovela, right?
So, let's get started.
There are days we will always remember.
For me, that day was...
Not relevant. Sorry.
This is not about me.
There are days the Villanueva
women will always remember.
June 12 was one.
But first, allow me to set the scene.
Here we have Jane, just 14 months old.
TEEN XIOMARA: Mommy! (knocking)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And Xiomara, freshly 18.
Ma, want to go eat at
La Rosa tonight, maybe?
Come on, Ma, I know you can hear me.
_
(sighs)
(tones sounding)
It's me.
So, turns out I can go to
the mall tonight after all.
(gasps) Crap! I got to go.
Jane, what are you doing?!
- (jabbers)
- _
(sighs)
No, no, Janie! Ugh, this is
the last thing I need today.
If your Abuela sees...
(whimpers)
It's okay, sweetie. We
just need to clean this up.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But alas,
the day had left its mark.
- _
- The important ones do.
It was a moment of revelation for Jane.
She finally saw the writing on the wall.
_
Oh, my. Looks like someone's got
a little skip in his step today.
XIOMARA: Wow! Michael?
Yes, Michael!
So, did you tell him?
No, not yet.
I have to tell Rafael first.
I don't even know how to say it.
- Jane is picking Michael.
- How do you know?
I overheard it last night
on the baby monitor.
Apparently, they shared "an
epic kiss." Her words, not mine.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It was pretty epic.
- Does Jane know you heard?
- No, I unplugged the monitor. I didn't want to talk about it.
Good instinct. That's
what I would have done.
Okay, now, listen. You can still save this.
Just don't let her break up with you.
What does she even see in that punk?
(woman yells, cheering)
XIOMARA: He's gonna flip out.
Michael?
Yeah, he's gonna be pretty stoked.
- Rafael.
- I know.
It's awful.
And that's why I just
need to tell him first
in the... best way possible.
- You got to play the cancer card.
- What?!
Just say that you're having
a relapse. I'm serious.
Just to buy you time to win her back.
Raf, this is your family.
You think I don't know that?
She's throwing everything away.
And what about Mateo?
Mateo's involved, so, I
need to do everything I can
to make sure we all get along.
'Cause we're gonna be in
each other's lives forever.
Okay, you just said "forever."
I did, didn't I?
That's what I want...
with Michael... forever.
I just wish it wasn't gonna hurt Rafael.
(laughing): Oh, my God. I literally
don't know whether I should
laugh or cry right now.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow. Talk
about feeling all the feels.
I told you it was a big day.
Yeah.
Mom, go put a sweater over that blouse.
Abuela, I'm leaving!
I'll see you at the lawyer's later.
- Love you. Bye. Mwah.
- Mwah.
_
_
_
_
_
_
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wait for it.
_
You'll recall Alba had recently decided
to pursue her Green Card.
Yes, but you do know that this meeting is
for filing Mom's sponsorship papers, right?
You're not becoming a
citizen today, Abuela.
_
_
- You look great.
- I agree.
Not looking so great?
There she is,
my beautiful bride.
You know what? I should fill in some gaps.
Last night, Petra tried
everything she could think of
- to get out of marrying Milos.
- But I don't love you.
Right now. No one knows future.
- _
- I am pregnant.
With Rafael's baby.
I will raise bastard as my own.
_
Fine. One year...
with the understanding that this is just
about you needing a tax
shelter and does not in any way
indicate that I have feelings for you.
- At moment.
- At all. And no sex.
- Unless you change your mind.
- I won't.
You might.
- Milos!
- Fine, fine.
No sex, you little Minx!
But you must make marriage seem real.
I'm sure you have seen
the film "Green Card"
with Gérard Depardieu?
That cannot happen to me.
- I made an appointment with City Hall.
- No need.
I want to get married in my own hotel,
so I have booked Marbella ballroom.
Milos, we agreed to a small wedding.
And see? I have started
wedding preparations
already, like a good, modern husband.
Now, come, help me pick band.
- We don't need a band.
- Then who will open for the main act?
Who's the main act?
♪ Oh, baby, baby. ♪
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You don't know who this is, but
it's a really big deal, Mateo.
- Hi. What's your name?
- Jane.
Jane, I think there's something about you.
I can tell you have rhythm.
Would you like to dance?
Yeah.
- Come on!
- Okay.
♪ Oh, the taste of your
lips, I'm on a ride ♪
♪ You're toxic, I'm slippin' under ♪
♪ With a taste of a poison paradise ♪
♪ I'm addicted to you ♪
♪ Don't you know that you're toxic? ♪
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You
guessed it. That did not happen.
Here's what happened.
- (rhythmic marching)
- (Jane gasps)
Ah. Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my God.
(elevator bell dings) Ah!
(Xiomara shrieks and giggles)
Oh, my God, Jane saw Britney Spears
checking in at the Marbella!
Excuse me?
She just texted.
I think this is her elbow.
And Britney was checking in?
- Uh-huh.
- Good.
Then she will finally have to face me.
Britney Spears?
We happen to be in a little bit of a feud.
A big feud, actually! I don't
know why I'm downplaying it.
I'm done protecting Britney Spears!
Wait.
You're not joking.
Of course I am not.
Okay, then-then why haven't
you talked about it before?
I mean, lord knows you drop
Gloria Estefan's name enough.
I don't drop her name.
I mention people like Gloria Estefan,
Alejandro Fernández and Oprah Winfrey
because they happen to
be... dear friends of mine.
Then how'd you and Britney meet?
It was years ago.
I went to an awards show
wearing a look Britney liked.
She expressed her
admiration for the outfit,
and I generously went home to change,
allowing her to debut it in a video!
She was touched.
We became dear friends.
- Friends like... ?
- Like regular friends!
We'd swap concealer tips, career advice.
When she kissed Madonna at
the MTV Video Music Awards?
That was my idea!
I pitched it to Enrique Iglesias,
but he wasn't feeling well and
didn't want to get me sick.
The point is... we were close.
Until she betrayed me.
But now, Britney's here.
And she can no longer avoid me.
RAFAEL: I'm serious.
She's here. Events got a call
about this huge, last-minute
wedding in the ballroom,
and she is performing.
I don't know who these people are...
Actually... the wedding is mine.
- I accepted a proposal from Milos.
- Wait. Wait. What?!
You're marrying Milos?
Sorry, I overheard.
What are you talking about, Petra?
He proposed.
It was very romantic, actually.
Is this about money?
- No. This is about the fact that we've worked through our issues.
- JANE: Like the fact
that he threw acid at your mother?
You've met my mother, Jane.
Clearly, you can understand the urge.
Anyway, just letting you know.
Excuse me. Lots to get ready.
I don't understand.
She doesn't want to marry him, it's a play.
She and I are in negotiations
for child support.
And she knows that I don't
want our kid around Milos,
so, she's using him as a bargaining chip.
I'll reach out to her lawyers,
I'll ask her to name a number.
You think that'll work?
It has to.
I don't want that psycho around my kid.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And at that moment,
- _
- Rafael saw the writing on the wall.
So, I...
So I should call my lawyer,
uh, get things started
while Mateo's napping.
I hope the meeting
goes well. Tell Alba I said good luck, huh?
Okay, I will.
Hey there. I'm Robert Torres.
- Nice to meet you.
- Alba Villanueva.
Nice to meet you.
And I am looking forward
to becoming a citizen.
And to visiting Helena,
the capital of Montana.
(laughter) She's ready.
Mm. I'm Xiomara Villanueva,
- her daughter and her sponsor.
- Nice to meet you.
Jane, the granddaughter. I'm the
one you talked to on the phone.
Ah, yes. A lot of questions. Very thorough.
Sit, sit.
I screened your application,
which looks mostly good.
_
Well, Jane communicated to me
that you're on the cautious side.
Yeah.
_
There was this girl in my grade school,
and she came home one
day... her mom was deported.
It was pretty traumatic.
So what's the issue with my
grandmother's application?
Well, it came up in your
background check, actually.
Since you're Alba's sponsor,
your felony conviction could be a problem.
- This is crazy! What felony?
- For grand theft, back in the '90s.
- Oh, no, there must be a mistake.
- You mean the jewelry store?
- What jewelry store?
- No, this is a mistake.
It was a misdemeanor, shoplifting.
Uh... a felon is, like, a murderer.
Or, in the state of
Florida, anyone who steals
in excess of $400, which
is what you pled guilty to.
_
It was this guy I was seeing... Zed.
- We-we worked together at Slushie Palace.
- (groans)
He stole this ring that I liked.
I took the fall for him,
because he had a prior conviction.
I was 18
and in love.
I got community service...
I thought it went away.
_
JANE: Okay, so...
is this gonna make it harder
for my grandmother to get a Green Card?
Possibly. It's hard to say for sure.
Immigration laws are constantly changing.
_
But... I know that your
grandmother is cautious.
_
_
Okay, so what if we found this Zed guy
and we had him come forward?
Can we get it taken off of her record?
Of course... if you have
the conviction overturned.
Okay. So...
this is fixable.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: At
least, she hoped it was.
Britney again?
Aw. Even better.
(amplified, rapid heartbeat)
(amplified, rapid heartbeat)
Here is what Jane wanted
to do in this moment.
♪ ♪
It's you.
It's always been you.
And here is what she actually did.
(whispers): Hi.
Hey, Jane! Rafael's right
upstairs, with Mateo.
- Yeah, that's where I was heading.
- (awkward chuckle)
Bye, Michael. Let's talk later?
(whispers): Okay.
(quiet squeal)
Sorry, dude.
He's my brother, you know?
Had to put up the block.
You all done asking me questions?
Yes. Go.
Please.
Just pick whatever wedding
cake you want, Milos.
Okay? Cake is one of the many things
that's making me sick,
and these stupid lollipops aren't helping!
- (groans)
- Petra?
(breathes loudly)
Did you ever get sick...
Jane, when you were pregnant?
No.
No, of course you didn't,
no. How can I help you?
Oh, and please tell Rafael
that his lawyer's offer was
really just embarrassing.
This is not about money.
Then what is it about?
I mean, why are you marrying Milos?
Frankly, Jane, it's none of your business.
Petra, come on.
I remember that day in the stairwell.
You were scared of him.
Are you in danger?
- No.
- Then what is it?
What is he holding over you?
Tricky question. Most
of her lies concern you.
(sighs): Look, Jane...
Milos and I were...
we were in love once.
(laughs softly)
He was my Prince Charming.
- (violin playing gentle, minor-key melody)
- _
_
Give money.
(coins clink)
Support the artiste.
English, of course.
For the tourists.
Oh, my! Brava!
Oh! Best violin
I ever been hearing.
I have been watching you
play for a few months now.
You are good.
But you are in need of upgrade.
A violin...
as lovely as you.
♪ ♪
It was a handcrafted Guarneri.
- More valuable than my byt.
- _
Never played anything like it.
We were happy once.
Till my mother started
making up all those... lies.
What lies?
She said he cheated.
He didn't.
And now that I know the truth...
I think we'll be happy again.
She can't possibly believe
we'll fall for that.
No. But that's the story
she's sticking with.
I was thinking,
maybe you should go see Magda.
I mean, if Milos is holding something
over here, she'd know.
Plus, she hates him.
That's a good idea. Hey, I'll, uh,
I'll put in a request to see her right now.
Good call, Jane. Let's break his heart
after he visits his crazy
ex-mother-in-law in prison.
And speaking of crazy relatives.
Dad?
- What are you doing here?
- I'm just simply sitting here
catching up on the news
and waiting for Britney Spears to emerge
- so that I can confront her.
- What?!
- (rhythmic marching)
- Oh. Hmm. There she is.
- I'd move, Jane.
- Dad.
ROGELIO: Britney!
Britney Spears, stop!
Hello, Britney.
Ro... Ro...
- Don't you pretend you don't know my name.
- I'm so sorry. I hope
I didn't hurt your feelings... it's
just that I meet so many people.
Stop it, stop it, stop
it right this minute!
You know why I am here.
Now... apologize.
I'm... really sorry I forgot your name.
This is not about my name!
It's about the 2009 Latin Pop Music Awards.
Wait, are you still mad about
that teleprompter accident?
It wasn't an accident, it was premeditated,
and you were the premeditator.
Like I told you at the time,
I didn't have anything to do with that.
I saw you talking to the teleprompter guy
before the show!
I like to get to know everyone on the crew.
ENTOURAGE: Mm-hmm.
I... don't believe you.
But it doesn't make sense...
why would I do that?
Can you think of any
reason why I would do that?
Because I was emerging from your shadow,
and you didn't like it.
(hair whooshes)
Let's go!
(rhythmic marching)
So long, Rogulio!
Rogelio!
- (hair whooshes)
- You know my name!
Come back and admit what
you did, Britney Spears!
Admit it!
Admit it!
(chuckling): A restraining order?
This is what I think
about your restraining order,
Britney Spears!
Okay. I got it up.
- No, stop. Stop now.
- Too late.
And now, the winner of the category
of Hot Latin Star of the Year.
A category I wouldn't know anything about,
being neither hot nor a star... Wait, what?
This was-was-was a mistake.
Let me take that.
It's... okay. Everyone gets nervous.
And the winner is...
Dad, it kind of seems like
she was coming to your rescue.
That's what she wants it to look like.
That's not what's happening.
I can only imagine she was jealous
of my rising fame.
Or... ?
Or I don't know.
But I know what I must do.
Let it go and move on?
Virtual warfare.
I'm gonna tweet out a call to arms,
and my loyal fans will not
hesitate to take up the cause.
Britney's fans may be stronger in numbers,
but nobody has the passion of a Rogelifan!
I will use my anonymous
Twitter handle, of course.
Rogelio fans unite.
With the knife emoji to symbolize warfare.
Oh, no knives... the restraining order.
Fine.
XIOMARA: Oh, my God, amazing!
Thank you.
Slutty Crystal got an address for Zed!
Yes, Mom!
- I'll pump, you drive!
- Yes!
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: So,
here we are, eight ounces
- of breast milk later.
- There he is.
Oh...
Rollerblades?
They were cool in the '90s.
- Zed?
- Oh!
Hey!
Oh... wh...
Xo! Oh, from, uh, uh, Slushie Palace!
How have you been? It's been years!
Oh, my God, how's that baby of yours?
Uh, she's here!
Whoa, you got hot! Nice!
Well, uh, thank you, Zed.
Oh, no, no, no. It's not Zed anymore.
I go by Jon Snow...
Because like him...
I watch the Wall. My wall.
My masterpiece.
- Amazing!
- It's gorgeous!
And I also
sell a little cocaine. Get it? Snow.
- 100%!
- Hilarious!
(laughs) Um, so listen, um, Zed...
Ah. Jon...
- Yeah.
- I need a little favor.
- Yeah.
- Remember that time
you shoplifted from the jewelry store?
Right. We got engaged,
and I stole you an engagement ring.
- What? You two got engaged?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, for, like, ten minutes.
No, don't worry about it.
Uh, right, and I took the blame for you,
which has come back to bite me in the ass,
because my mom is finally
applying for her Green Card.
- Oh, my God, that's great!
-Tell Albs I said whutup.
I will, I will, but... the thing is,
my felony record could get in the way,
so I need you to tell a judge
that you stole that ring, not me.
Oh, yeah. No, I'm gonna
have to pass. Sorry.
But if it's any consolation,
I still think you're very, very hot.
And I think you're just
as much of a jackass
- as you were when I...
- Mom-Mom-Mom-Mom-Mom...
(awkward chuckle) Mom,
I saw some fake bags.
Why don't you go shop for us, yeah?
Let me talk to Zed, Mr.
Snow, over here. Okay.
(sighs) Wait, oh, Mr. Snow!
- Oh!
- (chuckles) Yo, come holler at me for a second.
- Yeah...
- Holla.
Yeah. Um, so sorry about my mom.
My mom is so wack.
Eh. You know? And I am so much more chill.
Oh, man, she used to be...
- way chill.
- Yeah.
You want a medical marijuana bar?
They're 70% cacao.
- Uh...
- Enjoy it.
(chuckles): I mean...
Uh, wow, I cannot wait
to partake in this later.
Yes. Yes.
So listen, um...
I totally get why you don't
want to talk to the judge.
I mean, who doesn't have a few hobbies that
they don't want the law enforcement to
know about? You know what I'm saying?
- I got so many!
- So the thing is this.
You won't get locked up or anything,
because the statute of
limitations is up. Bam!
- Whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- So it ain't that big of a deal, right?
- Yeah!
- Yeah! You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah... !
- Yeah... !
No.
- No? Yeah?
- Got this
strict policy... if the
police ask me anything...
I know nothin', like Jon Snow.
XIOMARA: Oh, come on,
say something.
I know you're mad.
_
JANE: Okay, look...
I spoke to our lawyer,
and we can appeal directly
to the state's attorney and
get the conviction cleared.
Michael knows her through work, so...
I'm gonna call him now.
(phone rings)
Hey, Jane.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It's
important to note that this
is what Michael expected Jane to say...
Michael, it's you.
It's always been you.
And here's what she said.
Listen, I'm really sorry to
bother you with this, but...
we're having an urgent
issue with my grandma's
- Green Card.
- Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
_
No problem. I'll, uh...
I'll shoot the state's attorney an e-mail.
Okay. Bye, Jane.
Jane. As in Jane Villanueva?
_
_
That's the gal who had her baby
kidnapped last month, right?
Mm-hmm.
Strange story that was.
Hard to believe.
And something tells me she doesn't.
_
He did it.
We have a meeting tomorrow afternoon.
Yes. That's great news!
_
Ma, listen, I'll Google the
crap out of this woman tonight,
learn all about her
so we can be prepared.
- (sighs)
- (phone rings)
Oh. It's Rafael. Maybe it's about Magda.
- Hey.
- Magda straight-up
refused to add me to her visitors' list.
- What? No.
- But here's the thing:
she said she would talk to you.
- Why me?
- There is a parole hearing coming up.
Maybe you and your granny
could say a few words on my behalf.
Why would I ever help you?
You must need something, hmm?
Or why are you here?
Because Petra is marrying Milos.
(scoffs, laughs)
You're lying.
It's true. And she seems scared,
and we wanted to help her.
Can you think of anything Milos
would be holding over her?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, Magda
could think of a few possibilities...
_
_
_
Nothing offhand.
Petra said that you made up
stories about him cheating.
Why would you do that?
First, I had mind open.
Even though he act like stalker.
_
- _
- Speak English. Practice for tourists.
- Yes. Sorry, Mother.
- I followed your daughter's
music all over the city, before
we even met. I will never
forget when I saw her playing
Schumann's Marchenbilder.
My favorite piece. And to find the musician
even more beautiful than the music.
No, but that is viola piece. (gasps)
Ach, muj Buh,
Cousin Dagmar, she's in trouble.
She's stuck in Budapest,
lost her wallet.
"I need two million Hungarian forints,
cash preferred. Thank you."
That's not your cousin. It's me.
My side business
is Internet scam.
I like to do prank.
But also make money.
(laughs)
Milos is Internet criminal.
You should be very "vary."
Very, very what?
Very "vary." Not "very, very."
I'm still not following.
Very "vary"!
Oh. Very wary.
That's what I said. Very "vary."
Got it.
I want you to listen to me,
and I will tell you how
you can help my daughter.
Hmm?
You spoke to my mother?
Yes, and she had a good idea.
Look, Milos is an Internet criminal.
Oh, don't worry. Rafael's
downstairs with him.
_
Hey, um, can we talk?
Talk or duel?
Duel?
Guns or knives?
What are you talking about?
Oh, you were kidding. Me, too.
Okay, great.
Let's talk.
Download it, then copy his
files, and hold it over him.
For whatever he's holding over you.
You don't have to tell me. Just use it.
Y-You don't have to do this, Jane.
I'll keep him away from Mateo.
98% is because of Mateo.
But... there's two percent
that's because I...
kind of care about you, Petra.
In that "I don't want you to
marry a psycho" kind of way.
So...
(gasps) Petra took the flash drive.
She's doing it.
Are you serious?
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
(both chuckle)
Okay. Uh, I can exhale.
Yeah.
(chuckles)
So, listen...
So, I made this for you.
Oh.
He's changed so much, huh?
Yeah.
_
- No.
- What?
Don't tell me you're choosing Michael.
Tell me anything,
but do not tell me that.
- Rafael...
- He's not a good guy, Jane.
- You're wrong.
- I'm not.
He's shady. And he has it out for me.
And you know he does.
Why are you doing this?
You're throwing away our family.
Just go.
(sighs)
_
(sighs)
(sighs)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
A date, you'll recall,
we've seen before.
And what about Petra?
Will today be the day she
escapes Milos for good?
MILOS: Petra?
I have a gift for you.
It's a Guarneri. The same as the one
I gave you when we met.
I know you sold it to come here.
I haven't played in so long.
Which is a travesty, Petra.
And speaking of travesties...
All right, let's get going.
We do not want to keep the
state's attorney waiting.
Aah! Mommy, don't eat that!
_
What? Why? Why not?
_
(squeaks)
You're sure you can go to this meeting?
_
_
Me, too. Totally normal.
Okay.
Maybe Zed was just selling
counterfeit edibles.
Just one thing,
what is this meeting about again?
I thought you said you felt normal.
(American accent): Normal. (laughs)
Nor... mal.
_
(both laughing)
Normal.
_
Is the coffee working at all?
_
_
_
_
_
- (laughing)
- _
What's so funny?
Nothing. Okay, Mom,
you're the important one.
Did the shower help?
Yes. But, listen,
I was thinking in there.
- I am pretty sure that this meeting is a trap.
- (gasps)
So here's how this is gonna work.
- _
- I'll do all the talking,
you just nod. Okay?
Great. Okay, Mom, I'll introduce
you, I'll talk about Zed,
how you haven't gotten into any trouble.
No, you can't just nod the whole time.
Maybe you should give us some signal
when we should stop?
_
Mm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah,
they're not going to the meeting.
Yes, I know she's very busy and
she moved her schedule around.
I'm really sorry.
Okay, thanks. Bye.
(sighs)
(phone chimes)
_
(sighs)
Hey, thanks for babysitting.
Of course.
How are they?
Just hungry. And...
kind of annoying, frankly.
(both laughing)
Mm.
Hey, are you okay?
There's this Vine going around.
Oh. The "piece of me" one?
You want a piece of me? You want a
piece of me? You want a piece of me?
It's not that bad.
I'm a laughingstock.
_
(knocking)
Come in.
What are you doing?
Why are you getting married?
Jane...
my life is complicated.
Complicated?
That's an understatement.
Remember this?
It was a handcrafted Guarneri.
It was more valuable than my byt.
Afterwards, Petra realized
she'd misspoken. See,
that day in Olomouc...
Milos had given her a Konner.
So earlier today, when Milos
presented her with a Guarneri,
Petra wondered how they
could have both made
the exact same mistake. Unless...
PETRA: Fine.
You want the truth?
I'm marrying Milos because he's rich.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It should
be noted, Petra didn't know
where the bugs were.
But she knew they were there.
- What?
- Yeah, please don't repeat that.
It makes me look bad. Oh.
Although I might finally
be rich enough not to care.
Remember, she had to sell it.
Like Gérard Depardieu.
But, hey,
the fact that you cared
that two percent...
thank you.
It's more than I deserve.
Look, if you ever need help...
Actually, yes, there is one thing.
- Just make sure the tassels are even.
- Okay.
Ooh. Yeah, let me just fluff
up some of these flowers.
Aw. Perhaps it's stolen
sperm under the bridge
for these two at last?
What is that?
Uh, Security was handing it out.
- Oh. Uh...
- Maybe it was seeing her father
mocked like that,
but Jane knew she had to help.
The situation had become Toxic.
This Circus couldn't go on.
It was time to get to Work, Bitch.
(rhythmic marching)
Oh, oh. It's a baby thing.
Don't worry. Excuse me.
Check, check. Sounds good. We're cool.
Excuse me, Britney?
You may not remember me. I'm Jane.
Um, um...
you have a restraining
order against my dad?
Oh. I'll handle this.
Look, Rogelio was out of line.
Do you know how many poop emojis
I've had to deal with today?
And I apologize for that. He can be...
intense.
And he's a lot of other
things, but he's not a liar.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And
neither are you, Brit. Come on.
Did you guys know each other?
Come on. What happened?
What happened is he betrayed
me. And backstabbed me,
like the backstabbing betrayer that he is.
Can you be a little more specific?
Just ask him what happened the last time
we went shopping in Mexico City.
- Huh.
- ROGELIO: (gasps) I forgot
all about that.
What did you do?
(laughing) I...
I tipped off the paparazzi.
- What?
- I was still a C-plus-Lister at the time
and I knew that being
photographed with Britney
would help my career.
Yes. How could you do that?
I'm so sorry, Brit.
Now that I'm mega famous,
I understand what a mega
transgression that was.
I trusted you, Ro.
I'm so ashamed.
And I totally get why you
changed the teleprompter.
I didn't exactly change it, though.
See, I was just sad about your betrayal
and the teleprompter guy overheard,
and I think he was trying to impress me.
He was a real sweetie, you know?
- Aw.
- Yeah.
Well, from the bottom of my broken heart,
I'm sorry.
And I hope that our friendship
could be as strong as it once was.
You know, I think it'll even be stronger.
Stronger than yesterday.
I'm on desk? Why?
Because you let Nadine Hansen walk.
You knew that... we were tracking her.
I'm talking about the
first time you did it.
It's about Nadine.
Your old partner?
It's that I let her go.
Sorry, Cordero.
An informant's came forward.
Who?
T-Tell me. Who was it?
- _
- Is that thing on?
Scott, I don't care.
Look, he wants to remain anonymous.
I gave him my word.
_
Hmm.
(organ playing "Wedding March")
(organ continues playing in distance)
Well.
She said she'd keep Milos
away from Mateo, at least.
What the hell, man?
- Whoa!
- Hey, get off me.
- Hey.
- Hold this.
Milos. Petra.
We are here on that most
momentous of days.
- You turned me in? Huh?
- What are you talking about?
- You turned me in!
- Michael, calm down.
Oh, no, this entitled ass cost me my job.
Remember what I told you
on the monitor, Jane?
I, Milos, promise
not to forsake you.
- You let Nadine go?
- Don't pretend you didn't know.
And you knew this?
I mean, yes, he told me...
These people kidnapped Mateo, Jane.
- Don't pretend you didn't know this.
- I didn't know!
Stop, Michael, stop!
Stop! No!
- Michael, no! No!
- (Mateo cries)
Mateo. Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
Should be fine.
Dr. Garcia said to bring him in tomorrow
if it doesn't look better.
How did this happen?
I told you. That guy hates me.
What?
Did you do it?
Excuse me?
- You were there.
- Of course I didn't do it.
See, this... this is why
I said he's bad for us.
He's making you doubt me.
I'm sorry.
But you still think I did it.
(Xiomara laughing)
_
Did what?
Zed is gonna admit that he stole the ring.
What? How?
Admit what you did,
or the masterpiece is toast.
_
Jon Snow.
Wow.
Good job.
_
You? No. I-I almost blew it for you.
_
_
Wait, uh, what's June 12?
The anniversary of your
grandpa Mateo's death.
Mommy.
(knocking)
Ma, want to go eat at
La Rosa tonight, maybe?
Ma, come on, I know you can hear me.
_
_
Yeah, well...
_
_
_
_
Stop.
Ma, you've made it up to
me a thousand times over.
- (Mateo fusses)
- Oh, oh, it's okay.
Yeah. Mommy's here.
(gasps) What happened to his arm?
Michael and Rafael got into an awful fight.
Like, a real, physical fight.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And so
Jane told them what happened.
_
How ugly it got.
And how she thought Rafael
probably turned Michael in.
SUSANNA: Go ahead and take a seat.
But I don't need to tell you
that guy is not Rafael.
Please state your name for the record.
I'm Eric Wu and I'm here
to talk about my friend Nadine Hansen.
Oh.
I-It...
it wasn't Rafael.
What?
I, uh...
I watched one of the interviews,
and it was this guy, N-Nadine's friend.
Oh, my God. I accused him.
I'm so sorry, Jane. I-I screwed up.
You know, the way I... the
way I feel about Rafael...
It-it clouded my judgment.
And mine.
And that man you attacked tonight,
the man that clouds your judgment?
That's Mateo's father.
I know. I-I know. I'm gonna...
I-I'll work on my anger.
How?
Think about what happened tonight.
Mateo was hurt...
(crying)
Michael.
He was hurt.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And at that moment,
Jane saw it.
_
Which is why we won't work.
Please.
You should go.
You okay?
I will be.
But you're getting your Green Card,
so let's focus on that, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
_
_
And smiling up at us.
Look. Oh...
Your first smile. Look at you.
It was a day the Villanueva
women would always remember,
because Jane meticulously
documented it in her baby book.
Oh. (laughs)
It was also a day Petra
would always remember.
Good night, Milos.
Petra, there is something
I must tell you.
The marriage... it wasn't
just about tax shelter.
Yes, I know, Milos, you
have feelings for me.
Yes.
But I also have
2,000 live-fire hand
grenades in these boxes.
What?
Wedding provided perfect
cover to bring them in.
Oh, don't worry, I have buyer.
And now that we are married,
you cannot testify against me.
Spousal privilege.
It is, how you say, a "vin-vin"?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
Talk about dropping a bomb.
- Cordero.
- Sir, I'm sorry.
That you broke into my office?
What? No.
Stop lying, Cordero, I saw you.
Give me your badge and your gun.
Come on.
Now get out.
Drive.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, you know what?
This is way too stressful.
I'm out.
Ready to hit this baby one more time?
Jane, you'll recall, was
accidentally inseminated,
and the doctor responsible... well,
that would be Rafael's sister, Luisa.
Even crazier... Jane had the baby.
But now she's caught in
a big ol' love triangle.
On the one hand...
Rafael, her son's father.
On the other hand...
Michael, her ex-fiancé
And last night, well, this happened.
Oh, and remember Raf's ex-wife Petra?
Well, she stole Rafael's last sperm sample
and inseminated herself,
and now, she was kind of in a pickle.
See, she's in debt to Milos.
I have this abusive ex-boyfriend.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And
he has come to collect.
You will marry me.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I know!
Straight out of a telenovela, right?
So, let's get started.
There are days we will always remember.
For me, that day was...
Not relevant. Sorry.
This is not about me.
There are days the Villanueva
women will always remember.
June 12 was one.
But first, allow me to set the scene.
Here we have Jane, just 14 months old.
TEEN XIOMARA: Mommy! (knocking)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And Xiomara, freshly 18.
Ma, want to go eat at
La Rosa tonight, maybe?
Come on, Ma, I know you can hear me.
_
(sighs)
(tones sounding)
It's me.
So, turns out I can go to
the mall tonight after all.
(gasps) Crap! I got to go.
Jane, what are you doing?!
- (jabbers)
- _
(sighs)
No, no, Janie! Ugh, this is
the last thing I need today.
If your Abuela sees...
(whimpers)
It's okay, sweetie. We
just need to clean this up.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But alas,
the day had left its mark.
- _
- The important ones do.
It was a moment of revelation for Jane.
She finally saw the writing on the wall.
_
Oh, my. Looks like someone's got
a little skip in his step today.
XIOMARA: Wow! Michael?
Yes, Michael!
So, did you tell him?
No, not yet.
I have to tell Rafael first.
I don't even know how to say it.
- Jane is picking Michael.
- How do you know?
I overheard it last night
on the baby monitor.
Apparently, they shared "an
epic kiss." Her words, not mine.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It was pretty epic.
- Does Jane know you heard?
- No, I unplugged the monitor. I didn't want to talk about it.
Good instinct. That's
what I would have done.
Okay, now, listen. You can still save this.
Just don't let her break up with you.
What does she even see in that punk?
(woman yells, cheering)
XIOMARA: He's gonna flip out.
Michael?
Yeah, he's gonna be pretty stoked.
- Rafael.
- I know.
It's awful.
And that's why I just
need to tell him first
in the... best way possible.
- You got to play the cancer card.
- What?!
Just say that you're having
a relapse. I'm serious.
Just to buy you time to win her back.
Raf, this is your family.
You think I don't know that?
She's throwing everything away.
And what about Mateo?
Mateo's involved, so, I
need to do everything I can
to make sure we all get along.
'Cause we're gonna be in
each other's lives forever.
Okay, you just said "forever."
I did, didn't I?
That's what I want...
with Michael... forever.
I just wish it wasn't gonna hurt Rafael.
(laughing): Oh, my God. I literally
don't know whether I should
laugh or cry right now.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow. Talk
about feeling all the feels.
I told you it was a big day.
Yeah.
Mom, go put a sweater over that blouse.
Abuela, I'm leaving!
I'll see you at the lawyer's later.
- Love you. Bye. Mwah.
- Mwah.
_
_
_
_
_
_
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wait for it.
_
You'll recall Alba had recently decided
to pursue her Green Card.
Yes, but you do know that this meeting is
for filing Mom's sponsorship papers, right?
You're not becoming a
citizen today, Abuela.
_
_
- You look great.
- I agree.
Not looking so great?
There she is,
my beautiful bride.
You know what? I should fill in some gaps.
Last night, Petra tried
everything she could think of
- to get out of marrying Milos.
- But I don't love you.
Right now. No one knows future.
- _
- I am pregnant.
With Rafael's baby.
I will raise bastard as my own.
_
Fine. One year...
with the understanding that this is just
about you needing a tax
shelter and does not in any way
indicate that I have feelings for you.
- At moment.
- At all. And no sex.
- Unless you change your mind.
- I won't.
You might.
- Milos!
- Fine, fine.
No sex, you little Minx!
But you must make marriage seem real.
I'm sure you have seen
the film "Green Card"
with Gérard Depardieu?
That cannot happen to me.
- I made an appointment with City Hall.
- No need.
I want to get married in my own hotel,
so I have booked Marbella ballroom.
Milos, we agreed to a small wedding.
And see? I have started
wedding preparations
already, like a good, modern husband.
Now, come, help me pick band.
- We don't need a band.
- Then who will open for the main act?
Who's the main act?
♪ Oh, baby, baby. ♪
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You don't know who this is, but
it's a really big deal, Mateo.
- Hi. What's your name?
- Jane.
Jane, I think there's something about you.
I can tell you have rhythm.
Would you like to dance?
Yeah.
- Come on!
- Okay.
♪ Oh, the taste of your
lips, I'm on a ride ♪
♪ You're toxic, I'm slippin' under ♪
♪ With a taste of a poison paradise ♪
♪ I'm addicted to you ♪
♪ Don't you know that you're toxic? ♪
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You
guessed it. That did not happen.
Here's what happened.
- (rhythmic marching)
- (Jane gasps)
Ah. Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my God.
(elevator bell dings) Ah!
(Xiomara shrieks and giggles)
Oh, my God, Jane saw Britney Spears
checking in at the Marbella!
Excuse me?
She just texted.
I think this is her elbow.
And Britney was checking in?
- Uh-huh.
- Good.
Then she will finally have to face me.
Britney Spears?
We happen to be in a little bit of a feud.
A big feud, actually! I don't
know why I'm downplaying it.
I'm done protecting Britney Spears!
Wait.
You're not joking.
Of course I am not.
Okay, then-then why haven't
you talked about it before?
I mean, lord knows you drop
Gloria Estefan's name enough.
I don't drop her name.
I mention people like Gloria Estefan,
Alejandro Fernández and Oprah Winfrey
because they happen to
be... dear friends of mine.
Then how'd you and Britney meet?
It was years ago.
I went to an awards show
wearing a look Britney liked.
She expressed her
admiration for the outfit,
and I generously went home to change,
allowing her to debut it in a video!
She was touched.
We became dear friends.
- Friends like... ?
- Like regular friends!
We'd swap concealer tips, career advice.
When she kissed Madonna at
the MTV Video Music Awards?
That was my idea!
I pitched it to Enrique Iglesias,
but he wasn't feeling well and
didn't want to get me sick.
The point is... we were close.
Until she betrayed me.
But now, Britney's here.
And she can no longer avoid me.
RAFAEL: I'm serious.
She's here. Events got a call
about this huge, last-minute
wedding in the ballroom,
and she is performing.
I don't know who these people are...
Actually... the wedding is mine.
- I accepted a proposal from Milos.
- Wait. Wait. What?!
You're marrying Milos?
Sorry, I overheard.
What are you talking about, Petra?
He proposed.
It was very romantic, actually.
Is this about money?
- No. This is about the fact that we've worked through our issues.
- JANE: Like the fact
that he threw acid at your mother?
You've met my mother, Jane.
Clearly, you can understand the urge.
Anyway, just letting you know.
Excuse me. Lots to get ready.
I don't understand.
She doesn't want to marry him, it's a play.
She and I are in negotiations
for child support.
And she knows that I don't
want our kid around Milos,
so, she's using him as a bargaining chip.
I'll reach out to her lawyers,
I'll ask her to name a number.
You think that'll work?
It has to.
I don't want that psycho around my kid.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And at that moment,
- _
- Rafael saw the writing on the wall.
So, I...
So I should call my lawyer,
uh, get things started
while Mateo's napping.
I hope the meeting
goes well. Tell Alba I said good luck, huh?
Okay, I will.
Hey there. I'm Robert Torres.
- Nice to meet you.
- Alba Villanueva.
Nice to meet you.
And I am looking forward
to becoming a citizen.
And to visiting Helena,
the capital of Montana.
(laughter) She's ready.
Mm. I'm Xiomara Villanueva,
- her daughter and her sponsor.
- Nice to meet you.
Jane, the granddaughter. I'm the
one you talked to on the phone.
Ah, yes. A lot of questions. Very thorough.
Sit, sit.
I screened your application,
which looks mostly good.
_
Well, Jane communicated to me
that you're on the cautious side.
Yeah.
_
There was this girl in my grade school,
and she came home one
day... her mom was deported.
It was pretty traumatic.
So what's the issue with my
grandmother's application?
Well, it came up in your
background check, actually.
Since you're Alba's sponsor,
your felony conviction could be a problem.
- This is crazy! What felony?
- For grand theft, back in the '90s.
- Oh, no, there must be a mistake.
- You mean the jewelry store?
- What jewelry store?
- No, this is a mistake.
It was a misdemeanor, shoplifting.
Uh... a felon is, like, a murderer.
Or, in the state of
Florida, anyone who steals
in excess of $400, which
is what you pled guilty to.
_
It was this guy I was seeing... Zed.
- We-we worked together at Slushie Palace.
- (groans)
He stole this ring that I liked.
I took the fall for him,
because he had a prior conviction.
I was 18
and in love.
I got community service...
I thought it went away.
_
JANE: Okay, so...
is this gonna make it harder
for my grandmother to get a Green Card?
Possibly. It's hard to say for sure.
Immigration laws are constantly changing.
_
But... I know that your
grandmother is cautious.
_
_
Okay, so what if we found this Zed guy
and we had him come forward?
Can we get it taken off of her record?
Of course... if you have
the conviction overturned.
Okay. So...
this is fixable.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: At
least, she hoped it was.
Britney again?
Aw. Even better.
(amplified, rapid heartbeat)
(amplified, rapid heartbeat)
Here is what Jane wanted
to do in this moment.
♪ ♪
It's you.
It's always been you.
And here is what she actually did.
(whispers): Hi.
Hey, Jane! Rafael's right
upstairs, with Mateo.
- Yeah, that's where I was heading.
- (awkward chuckle)
Bye, Michael. Let's talk later?
(whispers): Okay.
(quiet squeal)
Sorry, dude.
He's my brother, you know?
Had to put up the block.
You all done asking me questions?
Yes. Go.
Please.
Just pick whatever wedding
cake you want, Milos.
Okay? Cake is one of the many things
that's making me sick,
and these stupid lollipops aren't helping!
- (groans)
- Petra?
(breathes loudly)
Did you ever get sick...
Jane, when you were pregnant?
No.
No, of course you didn't,
no. How can I help you?
Oh, and please tell Rafael
that his lawyer's offer was
really just embarrassing.
This is not about money.
Then what is it about?
I mean, why are you marrying Milos?
Frankly, Jane, it's none of your business.
Petra, come on.
I remember that day in the stairwell.
You were scared of him.
Are you in danger?
- No.
- Then what is it?
What is he holding over you?
Tricky question. Most
of her lies concern you.
(sighs): Look, Jane...
Milos and I were...
we were in love once.
(laughs softly)
He was my Prince Charming.
- (violin playing gentle, minor-key melody)
- _
_
Give money.
(coins clink)
Support the artiste.
English, of course.
For the tourists.
Oh, my! Brava!
Oh! Best violin
I ever been hearing.
I have been watching you
play for a few months now.
You are good.
But you are in need of upgrade.
A violin...
as lovely as you.
♪ ♪
It was a handcrafted Guarneri.
- More valuable than my byt.
- _
Never played anything like it.
We were happy once.
Till my mother started
making up all those... lies.
What lies?
She said he cheated.
He didn't.
And now that I know the truth...
I think we'll be happy again.
She can't possibly believe
we'll fall for that.
No. But that's the story
she's sticking with.
I was thinking,
maybe you should go see Magda.
I mean, if Milos is holding something
over here, she'd know.
Plus, she hates him.
That's a good idea. Hey, I'll, uh,
I'll put in a request to see her right now.
Good call, Jane. Let's break his heart
after he visits his crazy
ex-mother-in-law in prison.
And speaking of crazy relatives.
Dad?
- What are you doing here?
- I'm just simply sitting here
catching up on the news
and waiting for Britney Spears to emerge
- so that I can confront her.
- What?!
- (rhythmic marching)
- Oh. Hmm. There she is.
- I'd move, Jane.
- Dad.
ROGELIO: Britney!
Britney Spears, stop!
Hello, Britney.
Ro... Ro...
- Don't you pretend you don't know my name.
- I'm so sorry. I hope
I didn't hurt your feelings... it's
just that I meet so many people.
Stop it, stop it, stop
it right this minute!
You know why I am here.
Now... apologize.
I'm... really sorry I forgot your name.
This is not about my name!
It's about the 2009 Latin Pop Music Awards.
Wait, are you still mad about
that teleprompter accident?
It wasn't an accident, it was premeditated,
and you were the premeditator.
Like I told you at the time,
I didn't have anything to do with that.
I saw you talking to the teleprompter guy
before the show!
I like to get to know everyone on the crew.
ENTOURAGE: Mm-hmm.
I... don't believe you.
But it doesn't make sense...
why would I do that?
Can you think of any
reason why I would do that?
Because I was emerging from your shadow,
and you didn't like it.
(hair whooshes)
Let's go!
(rhythmic marching)
So long, Rogulio!
Rogelio!
- (hair whooshes)
- You know my name!
Come back and admit what
you did, Britney Spears!
Admit it!
Admit it!
(chuckling): A restraining order?
This is what I think
about your restraining order,
Britney Spears!
Okay. I got it up.
- No, stop. Stop now.
- Too late.
And now, the winner of the category
of Hot Latin Star of the Year.
A category I wouldn't know anything about,
being neither hot nor a star... Wait, what?
This was-was-was a mistake.
Let me take that.
It's... okay. Everyone gets nervous.
And the winner is...
Dad, it kind of seems like
she was coming to your rescue.
That's what she wants it to look like.
That's not what's happening.
I can only imagine she was jealous
of my rising fame.
Or... ?
Or I don't know.
But I know what I must do.
Let it go and move on?
Virtual warfare.
I'm gonna tweet out a call to arms,
and my loyal fans will not
hesitate to take up the cause.
Britney's fans may be stronger in numbers,
but nobody has the passion of a Rogelifan!
I will use my anonymous
Twitter handle, of course.
Rogelio fans unite.
With the knife emoji to symbolize warfare.
Oh, no knives... the restraining order.
Fine.
XIOMARA: Oh, my God, amazing!
Thank you.
Slutty Crystal got an address for Zed!
Yes, Mom!
- I'll pump, you drive!
- Yes!
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: So,
here we are, eight ounces
- of breast milk later.
- There he is.
Oh...
Rollerblades?
They were cool in the '90s.
- Zed?
- Oh!
Hey!
Oh... wh...
Xo! Oh, from, uh, uh, Slushie Palace!
How have you been? It's been years!
Oh, my God, how's that baby of yours?
Uh, she's here!
Whoa, you got hot! Nice!
Well, uh, thank you, Zed.
Oh, no, no, no. It's not Zed anymore.
I go by Jon Snow...
Because like him...
I watch the Wall. My wall.
My masterpiece.
- Amazing!
- It's gorgeous!
And I also
sell a little cocaine. Get it? Snow.
- 100%!
- Hilarious!
(laughs) Um, so listen, um, Zed...
Ah. Jon...
- Yeah.
- I need a little favor.
- Yeah.
- Remember that time
you shoplifted from the jewelry store?
Right. We got engaged,
and I stole you an engagement ring.
- What? You two got engaged?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, for, like, ten minutes.
No, don't worry about it.
Uh, right, and I took the blame for you,
which has come back to bite me in the ass,
because my mom is finally
applying for her Green Card.
- Oh, my God, that's great!
-Tell Albs I said whutup.
I will, I will, but... the thing is,
my felony record could get in the way,
so I need you to tell a judge
that you stole that ring, not me.
Oh, yeah. No, I'm gonna
have to pass. Sorry.
But if it's any consolation,
I still think you're very, very hot.
And I think you're just
as much of a jackass
- as you were when I...
- Mom-Mom-Mom-Mom-Mom...
(awkward chuckle) Mom,
I saw some fake bags.
Why don't you go shop for us, yeah?
Let me talk to Zed, Mr.
Snow, over here. Okay.
(sighs) Wait, oh, Mr. Snow!
- Oh!
- (chuckles) Yo, come holler at me for a second.
- Yeah...
- Holla.
Yeah. Um, so sorry about my mom.
My mom is so wack.
Eh. You know? And I am so much more chill.
Oh, man, she used to be...
- way chill.
- Yeah.
You want a medical marijuana bar?
They're 70% cacao.
- Uh...
- Enjoy it.
(chuckles): I mean...
Uh, wow, I cannot wait
to partake in this later.
Yes. Yes.
So listen, um...
I totally get why you don't
want to talk to the judge.
I mean, who doesn't have a few hobbies that
they don't want the law enforcement to
know about? You know what I'm saying?
- I got so many!
- So the thing is this.
You won't get locked up or anything,
because the statute of
limitations is up. Bam!
- Whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- So it ain't that big of a deal, right?
- Yeah!
- Yeah! You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah... !
- Yeah... !
No.
- No? Yeah?
- Got this
strict policy... if the
police ask me anything...
I know nothin', like Jon Snow.
XIOMARA: Oh, come on,
say something.
I know you're mad.
_
JANE: Okay, look...
I spoke to our lawyer,
and we can appeal directly
to the state's attorney and
get the conviction cleared.
Michael knows her through work, so...
I'm gonna call him now.
(phone rings)
Hey, Jane.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It's
important to note that this
is what Michael expected Jane to say...
Michael, it's you.
It's always been you.
And here's what she said.
Listen, I'm really sorry to
bother you with this, but...
we're having an urgent
issue with my grandma's
- Green Card.
- Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
_
No problem. I'll, uh...
I'll shoot the state's attorney an e-mail.
Okay. Bye, Jane.
Jane. As in Jane Villanueva?
_
_
That's the gal who had her baby
kidnapped last month, right?
Mm-hmm.
Strange story that was.
Hard to believe.
And something tells me she doesn't.
_
He did it.
We have a meeting tomorrow afternoon.
Yes. That's great news!
_
Ma, listen, I'll Google the
crap out of this woman tonight,
learn all about her
so we can be prepared.
- (sighs)
- (phone rings)
Oh. It's Rafael. Maybe it's about Magda.
- Hey.
- Magda straight-up
refused to add me to her visitors' list.
- What? No.
- But here's the thing:
she said she would talk to you.
- Why me?
- There is a parole hearing coming up.
Maybe you and your granny
could say a few words on my behalf.
Why would I ever help you?
You must need something, hmm?
Or why are you here?
Because Petra is marrying Milos.
(scoffs, laughs)
You're lying.
It's true. And she seems scared,
and we wanted to help her.
Can you think of anything Milos
would be holding over her?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, Magda
could think of a few possibilities...
_
_
_
Nothing offhand.
Petra said that you made up
stories about him cheating.
Why would you do that?
First, I had mind open.
Even though he act like stalker.
_
- _
- Speak English. Practice for tourists.
- Yes. Sorry, Mother.
- I followed your daughter's
music all over the city, before
we even met. I will never
forget when I saw her playing
Schumann's Marchenbilder.
My favorite piece. And to find the musician
even more beautiful than the music.
No, but that is viola piece. (gasps)
Ach, muj Buh,
Cousin Dagmar, she's in trouble.
She's stuck in Budapest,
lost her wallet.
"I need two million Hungarian forints,
cash preferred. Thank you."
That's not your cousin. It's me.
My side business
is Internet scam.
I like to do prank.
But also make money.
(laughs)
Milos is Internet criminal.
You should be very "vary."
Very, very what?
Very "vary." Not "very, very."
I'm still not following.
Very "vary"!
Oh. Very wary.
That's what I said. Very "vary."
Got it.
I want you to listen to me,
and I will tell you how
you can help my daughter.
Hmm?
You spoke to my mother?
Yes, and she had a good idea.
Look, Milos is an Internet criminal.
Oh, don't worry. Rafael's
downstairs with him.
_
Hey, um, can we talk?
Talk or duel?
Duel?
Guns or knives?
What are you talking about?
Oh, you were kidding. Me, too.
Okay, great.
Let's talk.
Download it, then copy his
files, and hold it over him.
For whatever he's holding over you.
You don't have to tell me. Just use it.
Y-You don't have to do this, Jane.
I'll keep him away from Mateo.
98% is because of Mateo.
But... there's two percent
that's because I...
kind of care about you, Petra.
In that "I don't want you to
marry a psycho" kind of way.
So...
(gasps) Petra took the flash drive.
She's doing it.
Are you serious?
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
(both chuckle)
Okay. Uh, I can exhale.
Yeah.
(chuckles)
So, listen...
So, I made this for you.
Oh.
He's changed so much, huh?
Yeah.
_
- No.
- What?
Don't tell me you're choosing Michael.
Tell me anything,
but do not tell me that.
- Rafael...
- He's not a good guy, Jane.
- You're wrong.
- I'm not.
He's shady. And he has it out for me.
And you know he does.
Why are you doing this?
You're throwing away our family.
Just go.
(sighs)
_
(sighs)
(sighs)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
A date, you'll recall,
we've seen before.
And what about Petra?
Will today be the day she
escapes Milos for good?
MILOS: Petra?
I have a gift for you.
It's a Guarneri. The same as the one
I gave you when we met.
I know you sold it to come here.
I haven't played in so long.
Which is a travesty, Petra.
And speaking of travesties...
All right, let's get going.
We do not want to keep the
state's attorney waiting.
Aah! Mommy, don't eat that!
_
What? Why? Why not?
_
(squeaks)
You're sure you can go to this meeting?
_
_
Me, too. Totally normal.
Okay.
Maybe Zed was just selling
counterfeit edibles.
Just one thing,
what is this meeting about again?
I thought you said you felt normal.
(American accent): Normal. (laughs)
Nor... mal.
_
(both laughing)
Normal.
_
Is the coffee working at all?
_
_
_
_
_
- (laughing)
- _
What's so funny?
Nothing. Okay, Mom,
you're the important one.
Did the shower help?
Yes. But, listen,
I was thinking in there.
- I am pretty sure that this meeting is a trap.
- (gasps)
So here's how this is gonna work.
- _
- I'll do all the talking,
you just nod. Okay?
Great. Okay, Mom, I'll introduce
you, I'll talk about Zed,
how you haven't gotten into any trouble.
No, you can't just nod the whole time.
Maybe you should give us some signal
when we should stop?
_
Mm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah,
they're not going to the meeting.
Yes, I know she's very busy and
she moved her schedule around.
I'm really sorry.
Okay, thanks. Bye.
(sighs)
(phone chimes)
_
(sighs)
Hey, thanks for babysitting.
Of course.
How are they?
Just hungry. And...
kind of annoying, frankly.
(both laughing)
Mm.
Hey, are you okay?
There's this Vine going around.
Oh. The "piece of me" one?
You want a piece of me? You want a
piece of me? You want a piece of me?
It's not that bad.
I'm a laughingstock.
_
(knocking)
Come in.
What are you doing?
Why are you getting married?
Jane...
my life is complicated.
Complicated?
That's an understatement.
Remember this?
It was a handcrafted Guarneri.
It was more valuable than my byt.
Afterwards, Petra realized
she'd misspoken. See,
that day in Olomouc...
Milos had given her a Konner.
So earlier today, when Milos
presented her with a Guarneri,
Petra wondered how they
could have both made
the exact same mistake. Unless...
PETRA: Fine.
You want the truth?
I'm marrying Milos because he's rich.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It should
be noted, Petra didn't know
where the bugs were.
But she knew they were there.
- What?
- Yeah, please don't repeat that.
It makes me look bad. Oh.
Although I might finally
be rich enough not to care.
Remember, she had to sell it.
Like Gérard Depardieu.
But, hey,
the fact that you cared
that two percent...
thank you.
It's more than I deserve.
Look, if you ever need help...
Actually, yes, there is one thing.
- Just make sure the tassels are even.
- Okay.
Ooh. Yeah, let me just fluff
up some of these flowers.
Aw. Perhaps it's stolen
sperm under the bridge
for these two at last?
What is that?
Uh, Security was handing it out.
- Oh. Uh...
- Maybe it was seeing her father
mocked like that,
but Jane knew she had to help.
The situation had become Toxic.
This Circus couldn't go on.
It was time to get to Work, Bitch.
(rhythmic marching)
Oh, oh. It's a baby thing.
Don't worry. Excuse me.
Check, check. Sounds good. We're cool.
Excuse me, Britney?
You may not remember me. I'm Jane.
Um, um...
you have a restraining
order against my dad?
Oh. I'll handle this.
Look, Rogelio was out of line.
Do you know how many poop emojis
I've had to deal with today?
And I apologize for that. He can be...
intense.
And he's a lot of other
things, but he's not a liar.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And
neither are you, Brit. Come on.
Did you guys know each other?
Come on. What happened?
What happened is he betrayed
me. And backstabbed me,
like the backstabbing betrayer that he is.
Can you be a little more specific?
Just ask him what happened the last time
we went shopping in Mexico City.
- Huh.
- ROGELIO: (gasps) I forgot
all about that.
What did you do?
(laughing) I...
I tipped off the paparazzi.
- What?
- I was still a C-plus-Lister at the time
and I knew that being
photographed with Britney
would help my career.
Yes. How could you do that?
I'm so sorry, Brit.
Now that I'm mega famous,
I understand what a mega
transgression that was.
I trusted you, Ro.
I'm so ashamed.
And I totally get why you
changed the teleprompter.
I didn't exactly change it, though.
See, I was just sad about your betrayal
and the teleprompter guy overheard,
and I think he was trying to impress me.
He was a real sweetie, you know?
- Aw.
- Yeah.
Well, from the bottom of my broken heart,
I'm sorry.
And I hope that our friendship
could be as strong as it once was.
You know, I think it'll even be stronger.
Stronger than yesterday.
I'm on desk? Why?
Because you let Nadine Hansen walk.
You knew that... we were tracking her.
I'm talking about the
first time you did it.
It's about Nadine.
Your old partner?
It's that I let her go.
Sorry, Cordero.
An informant's came forward.
Who?
T-Tell me. Who was it?
- _
- Is that thing on?
Scott, I don't care.
Look, he wants to remain anonymous.
I gave him my word.
_
Hmm.
(organ playing "Wedding March")
(organ continues playing in distance)
Well.
She said she'd keep Milos
away from Mateo, at least.
What the hell, man?
- Whoa!
- Hey, get off me.
- Hey.
- Hold this.
Milos. Petra.
We are here on that most
momentous of days.
- You turned me in? Huh?
- What are you talking about?
- You turned me in!
- Michael, calm down.
Oh, no, this entitled ass cost me my job.
Remember what I told you
on the monitor, Jane?
I, Milos, promise
not to forsake you.
- You let Nadine go?
- Don't pretend you didn't know.
And you knew this?
I mean, yes, he told me...
These people kidnapped Mateo, Jane.
- Don't pretend you didn't know this.
- I didn't know!
Stop, Michael, stop!
Stop! No!
- Michael, no! No!
- (Mateo cries)
Mateo. Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
Should be fine.
Dr. Garcia said to bring him in tomorrow
if it doesn't look better.
How did this happen?
I told you. That guy hates me.
What?
Did you do it?
Excuse me?
- You were there.
- Of course I didn't do it.
See, this... this is why
I said he's bad for us.
He's making you doubt me.
I'm sorry.
But you still think I did it.
(Xiomara laughing)
_
Did what?
Zed is gonna admit that he stole the ring.
What? How?
Admit what you did,
or the masterpiece is toast.
_
Jon Snow.
Wow.
Good job.
_
You? No. I-I almost blew it for you.
_
_
Wait, uh, what's June 12?
The anniversary of your
grandpa Mateo's death.
Mommy.
(knocking)
Ma, want to go eat at
La Rosa tonight, maybe?
Ma, come on, I know you can hear me.
_
_
Yeah, well...
_
_
_
_
Stop.
Ma, you've made it up to
me a thousand times over.
- (Mateo fusses)
- Oh, oh, it's okay.
Yeah. Mommy's here.
(gasps) What happened to his arm?
Michael and Rafael got into an awful fight.
Like, a real, physical fight.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And so
Jane told them what happened.
_
How ugly it got.
And how she thought Rafael
probably turned Michael in.
SUSANNA: Go ahead and take a seat.
But I don't need to tell you
that guy is not Rafael.
Please state your name for the record.
I'm Eric Wu and I'm here
to talk about my friend Nadine Hansen.
Oh.
I-It...
it wasn't Rafael.
What?
I, uh...
I watched one of the interviews,
and it was this guy, N-Nadine's friend.
Oh, my God. I accused him.
I'm so sorry, Jane. I-I screwed up.
You know, the way I... the
way I feel about Rafael...
It-it clouded my judgment.
And mine.
And that man you attacked tonight,
the man that clouds your judgment?
That's Mateo's father.
I know. I-I know. I'm gonna...
I-I'll work on my anger.
How?
Think about what happened tonight.
Mateo was hurt...
(crying)
Michael.
He was hurt.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And at that moment,
Jane saw it.
_
Which is why we won't work.
Please.
You should go.
You okay?
I will be.
But you're getting your Green Card,
so let's focus on that, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
_
_
And smiling up at us.
Look. Oh...
Your first smile. Look at you.
It was a day the Villanueva
women would always remember,
because Jane meticulously
documented it in her baby book.
Oh. (laughs)
It was also a day Petra
would always remember.
Good night, Milos.
Petra, there is something
I must tell you.
The marriage... it wasn't
just about tax shelter.
Yes, I know, Milos, you
have feelings for me.
Yes.
But I also have
2,000 live-fire hand
grenades in these boxes.
What?
Wedding provided perfect
cover to bring them in.
Oh, don't worry, I have buyer.
And now that we are married,
you cannot testify against me.
Spousal privilege.
It is, how you say, a "vin-vin"?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wow.
Talk about dropping a bomb.
- Cordero.
- Sir, I'm sorry.
That you broke into my office?
What? No.
Stop lying, Cordero, I saw you.
Give me your badge and your gun.
Come on.
Now get out.
Drive.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, you know what?
This is way too stressful.
I'm out.