Jane the Virgin (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 17 - Chapter Thirty-Nine - full transcript

Jane (Gina Rodriguez) has a specific idea of how she wants to celebrate her bachelorette party, but when Xo (Andrea Navedo) and Lina (guest star Diane Guerrero) get involved, nothing goes as planned.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
All right, here we go, yo!

As you know,
Michael proposed to Jane

and a wedding date was set.

Did you make the reservations
for the chair rentals?

I'm working on it.

Exciting, right?
Not as exciting:

Xiomara and Rogelio broke up.

Oh, and the Villanuevas' house
flooded!

Bright side: thanks to Rafael,

the family got to stay
at the Marbella.

And speaking of Rafael,
his half brother



Derek is back in town.

Don't go off with him alone.

And Raf was working
with Detective Michael

to see if Derek was connected
to their mother...

Where were you?
Right here. On this boat.

...the notorious crime lord
known as "Mutter."

And, oh, yeah, he also just had
twin girls with Petra,

and truthfully
Petra's not doing so great.

NURSE:
And does postpartum depression
run in your family?

Do you ever have thoughts
of running away?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I know! Mama drama, right?

So let's dive in.

As you all know,
Jane Gloriana Villanueva

didn't lose control very often.



(loud dance music playing)

But when she did...

Oh, when she did...

(gunshot, guests screaming)

...it was epic.

Ah, yes.

You'll recall
Jane's 21st birthday.

The night she
and Michael first met.

But what you don't know

is what happened
after that kiss.

Don't get into
any more trouble.

I won't.

But call me, okay?

I will.

(knocking at door)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
He couldn't
bring himself to leave!

It's so romantic!

So, one of your friends

is passed out on your porch.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh.

Not quite as romantic.

That's not my friend.

It's my mom.

Here, let me help you.

It's okay, I got it.

Ma! Come on, wake up.

Huh?

Oh, hey, Officer!
(giggles)

You can put those
cuffs on me any...

(Xiomara vomiting)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yeah.

That party was
out of control...

which is why Jane
is taking control

of her bachelorette party.

And after mani-pedis,

we'll have dinner
from 7:00 to 10:00.

Strictly prohibited:

strip clubs, cheesy bars,
penis stuff.

Wow, this looks great.

Thank you, Lina.

Don't thank me.
You wrote it.

True. Oh, which
reminds me...

I made a seating
chart for dinner.

I just have so many
different groups,

I want to make sure
everyone melds.
Don "Key-sotty"?

JANE:
Don Quixote.

Oh.

It's reading for
this week's class.

It's a really great book.

It's about this guy
who sees the world

as if it's one of his
great romances and...

I'm out.
Okay.

Is this the seating chart?

Yep. All right,
last chance, Abuela.

Do you want to come?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Hard to argue with that.

Or that.
Stop. Jane wants me there.

Okay, I should drop off
Mateo with Rafael

before my shift starts.

And thank you both.

You know, for
not pushing back

and just letting me have

the bachelorette that I want.

Of course.

It's your party.

Bye!

Bye!
Bye!

(gasps)

Do you think she
suspects anything?

Definitely not.

(squeals)
Yes!

Thank you so much, ladies.

Surprise!

Uh...

(chuckles)

Oh, my God, Jane!

We're so happy
to see you!

We missed you
so much!

Oh, really?

That's so sweet.
Yeah!

So maybe you can
convince Rogelio

to invest in our fashion blog.

He thinks you're some kind
of genius or something.

It's all about...

BOTH:
Seeing Double!

Wow.

Neat.

See? Jane agrees that
it's an awesome idea.

It makes perfect sense for
you to give whatever money

you were going to give to us
for college to fund it.

ROGELIO:
Jane...

Please. Help.

Explain to them,
in the unlikely event

Seeing Double doesn't catch on,

it's always good
to have a backup plan.

Oh, y-yeah.

Well, I-I'm a big
proponent of college.

Oh, there's a prospective
student program

at my school today,
if you want to come by.

Check out the sitch.

That is
a wonderful idea!

They will be there.

If they want me

to even consider

investing
in their blog.

BOTH:
Fine.

Great. Well, I have to run.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Girls, you haven't
congratulated Jane

on her engagement to
the greatest man in the world.

Oh, my God,
you're marrying Rafael?!

That's amazing!
Oh, you're
so lucky!
No.

He's so sexy.
He's so gorgeous
and rich.

No, that's...
And those abs...

No, I said no!

I am not marrying Rafael.

I am marrying Michael.

Oh.
Huh?

Oh. Okay.

He seems...

loyal.

Yes.
Yeah.

Sorry we can't make it
to your wedding.

Yeah, we're just
super busy that day.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I'll point out,
they don't know when it is.

Congrats, though.
Thanks.

It's always a treat,
seeing you girls.

I'm off, Dad.

No, please.
Just make sure

Michael got the invite
reminder for tonight.

I never heard from him.

Maybe they didn't go through.

I'll send it to you, too.

(giggles nervously, sighs)

MICHAEL:
Oh, no, he sent it to you, too.

JANE:
I'm getting it.

Hang on.
Oh, you really
don't have to see it.

(maniacal laugh)

I'm sorry, but I really do.

MICHAEL:
Throw your hands up in the air

and wave 'em like
you just don't care

because it's my bachelor party!
Woot! Woot!

Is that your voice?

He made me record it.

Michael, I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

(laughs)
I can't believe

my dad's going
to your bachelor party.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yeah, me neither.

Here's what happened.

I remember it
like it was a week ago.

So, are there gonna
be strippers?

Do you not want there
to be strippers?

No, no, it's okay.

I mean,
it's your bachelor party.

Well, if you don't want
there to be strippers...

Okay, fine, fine,
you convinced me,

no strippers at
your bachelor party.

ROGELIO:
You're having
a bachelor party?

And I'm not invited?

No. Did you...
Oh, he must not have...

Did you...
you didn't get the e-mail.

Man, my friends are so flaky.

(laughs)

Oh... thank God!

'Cause for a minute,
I was like, "My best brogelio

"doesn't want me

at his bachelor party?"

What's up, brother?
Yeah.

JANE:
So...

what if I called my dad
and told him not to go?

And you call my mom
and tell her not to come?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yeah, that's not happening.

What? A girl can dream.

It's too late. He's already
taking over the planning.

Which could be good.

I mean, let's face it,
if it weren't for Rogelio,

it would probably be
me and my friends

eating tacos over a trash can.

Why are you so sweet?

To me, to my dad...

Save it for the vows.

Printer deadline's
Friday, right?

Mm-hmm.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I should explain.

In a Catholic mass,
you can't recite your own vows,

so theirs were going to be
printed in the programs.

So, how's yours going?

Oh, it's great. Great, yeah.

You?

Yeah, just ironing out

the last details.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Sure, if you call

19 pages of general ideas

"ironing out the last details."

Wait, scratch that...
23 pages, actually.

Jane?

Professor Blake, hello.
Hey.

So, last minute, but, uh,

one of the T.A.s
who was supposed to speak

to prospective students
just canceled.

I know you just
started office hours,

but is there any way
you could fill in for her?

Oh, my God.

Uh, I would love to,
thank you so much!

Just remember...
keep it professional.

Don't worry.
Professional, got it.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Which brings us here, now.

And as we dive into
our section on Don Quixote,

it's great seeing them
connect to the material

and relate Quixote's quest

to their own youthful idealism.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yup.

Youthful idealism at its best.

JANE:
So, if you have any questions,

I am more than happy
to answer them.

Oh.
(knocking at door)

One second.

Hello, I'm looking
for Jane Villanueva.

Yeah, I-I'm Jane Villanueva.

Milady.
Is this a skit

for prospective
students?

Allowest me to
remove my armor.

I'm sorry, who...? Oh!

I am Don Quixote!

Ready to see
what's in

my Sancho Panza?
(students shriek)

No! Oh, wait, wait.

You know, wait,
this is a mistake.

This is
a mistake!

Ah! Oh! No...

Ah... ah!

I'm so sorry!

Professor Blake,
I assure you

I had no idea
this was going to happen.

I'm having a bachelorette
party later tonight,

and it seems my friends

got a bit overzealous.

I am not even
a stripper person,

not that that matters. Believe
me, I'm as angry as you are.

Look, I understand that
the incident wasn't your fault,

but it was
a public event,

pictures were taken,
people were horrified.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
To be fair,

parents were horrified.

Students were LOLing
all over Instagram,

or whatever the kids say
these days.

And I will do whatever it takes

to right the situation.

I know.

But I'm gonna have
to talk to the dean.

I really don't know if you
can continue as a T.A.

I'll check in end of day.

I just need the day to rest.

So if you could take
the babies tonight...

What's wrong?

Nothing, I just, um...

started my medication.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
For postpartum depression,
you'll recall.

And it's giving me
a pretty bad migraine.

So can you keep the babies?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, and make sure
I'm not disturbed.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Uh-oh.

This isn't looking good.

(sighs)

Sorry.

Where were we?

Nowhere.

We got nothing so far.

What about the bug
you put in Derek's office?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
You'll recall these two

have been working together
to discover--

how shall I put this?
It's rather nuanced...

Nothing.
...whether Rafael's
brother Derek

is a good guy

or a bad guy.
(growls)

His boat.

There's got to be
something on his boat.

Good, so search his boat.

I-I get a warrant,
he knows you told me about it.

So don't get a warrant.

Oh, come on, Michael.

We both know you're not
above bending the rules.

XIOMARA:
So did you get a little visit

from Don Quick-Naughty?

You were in on that?
What were you thinking?

Hey, strippers were not
technically on your "no" list.

Just strip clubs.
There's a big difference.

Yeah, well that big difference
just gave me a lap dance

in front of 50 students
and parents.
What?!

I was asked to do
a last-minute talk

to prospective students and...

He was supposed to go
to your office.

I wasn't there. He found me.

I'm sorry.

How could I have known
he would turn out to be,

like, the world's most
industrious stripper?

This is why I implemented

the "no surprise" rule
in the first place.

I was clear.

No surprises.

¶ ¶

Maybe just one more?

Surprise!

Welcome to your
bachelorette party.

(squealing with excitement,
giggling)

What's going on?

This is not a part
of my carefully detailed

bachelorette party plan.

I know, but your mom and I
decided that we owed it to you

not to throw you the
world's lamest party.

We owed it
to everyone.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Okay, here we have...

Well, names aren't important.

We've taken care
of everything.

But Mateo is...
With Abuela all night
in a guest room.

And I have to work tomorrow.
Luca's covering
your shift

so you can nurse what'd
better be a raging hangover.

I have to finish my vows.
I called the printers

and got them to agree
to a one-day extension.

And we brought
your party clothes!

XIOMARA: And we're really sorry
about the stripper,

but there's nothing
you can do about it tonight.

Except drink and take your
mind off it. Right, girls?!

(whooping)

Come on, hon.

Wouldn't it feel good to lose
control just this once?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Come on,
Jane, are you going to let down

this group of vaguely
familiar ladies

who are apparently
your very good friends?

All right, bring on the shots!

(cheering)

To your last night
of freedom.

(whooping)

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Whoo-hoo!

(whoops)

See, isn't this better than
some boring dinner party?

Wow.

Uh, I thought you said
we were just stopping by.

For five scrumptious courses
prepared by my personal chef.

Now sit, sit, everyone, sit.

Open your swag bags.

They contain all the essentials
for an epic bachelor party.

(quietly):
What the hell's happening?

Oh.

Rogelio, you really didn't
have to do this.

Of course I did.

You only get married once.

Right, guys?

Huh?

I need a drink.

Perfect.

I've done
the wine pairings myself.

We'll start with an ice-cold
pink champagne toast.

Oh, I almost forgot.

The pièce de résistance.

Open it.

Oh.

Wow.

(chuckles)

(all chuckling)

Turn it around.

(whoops)

(upbeat music playing)

(whooping)

Yes!

Whoo-hoo!

Angela's amazing.

Did you know she's a genius?

She really is a genius.

Actually, my IQ is 139,
so it's just below.

You see?!

Only a genius would know that.

XIOMARA:
Totally.

(laughing)

(whoops)

¶ ¶

Whoo-hoo!

All right, I'm signing up
for karaoke.

Sweet Lady Jane?
No!

Yes!
No, no, no!

Who's Sweet Lady Jane?

Xo, it's her Sasha Fierce.

When she gets drunk enough
to freestyle.

You've never seen her like that?

No, I haven't.

But it is definitely
happening tonight.

We need more drinks.
Agreed!
Can you go get them?

I kind of have a history
with Chad the hot bartender.

I don't want it to seem
like I'm chasing him.

I mean, I am chasing him,
but I don't want him to know.

On it!

(whoops)

So where'd you go to college?

Oh, I didn't.

Oh, weird. Why?

It just wasn't, like, my path.

So what do you do?

I'm a waitress with Jane.

But she goes to school.

Well, I-I'm a stylist, too.

I mean, I will be
once that takes off.

So you, like, pick out clothes?

XIOMARA:
A shot for Sweet Lady Jane!

Uh, no, she is not
coming out tonight.

She's definitely coming
out tonight. Drink.

ALL (chanting):
Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink!

Whoo-hoo!

(camera shutter clicking)

Oh, no, no, no. No cameras.

No posting any pictures

on the Twitter, the "Facegram"
or "Instabook."

Hon, you got to relax.

No, Mom, I can't when they're
documenting me on their phones.

I'm already
on thin ice at school.

Okay, everybody,
give me your phones!

What?!

Phone-free
zone, people!

(whoops)

Yeah!
(whoops)

Uh...

Hey, Mom, Mom, Mom.

Why don't you just
pace yourself?

Maybe get you a little
food or something.

Hey, no Old Lady Jane tonight.

I want to meet Sweet Lady Jane!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Huh, she doesn't look thrilled.

And neither does she.

The best thing you
could do for those girls

is to give them away.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, dear.

Very suspicious.

Also suspicious...

Looks like Michael decided
to break the law after all.

And here I'd thought
he'd changed.

Well, he did change
his shirt at least.

(gasps)

Nicholas.

Grappa is a digestif.

It's to be sipped, not chugged
like a shot of cheap tequila.

I wish it were cheap tequila.
(laughing): Yeah, boy.

Remember when we road-tripped
to the Redneck Riviera

and Michael got wasted
on mezcal?
No. Stop.

Oh, yeah, the night
he ate the worm.
Shh.

Eating the worm is the least
of what happened that night.

Guys, guys, let's
not bore Rogelio,

my future father-in-law, with
these boring stories, okay?

No, Vincent, finish
your story, please.

What happened in
this Redneck Riviera?

I must know.

Uh, well...

we had a nice talk
about our feelings

and how much we respect women,

and then we all went
to bed by 10:00.

(chuckles)
The end.

That's a weird story, Vincent.

Rogelio.

This dinner, fantastic.

The oysters, the pheasant,
the-the macaroons.

But, uh, maybe
it's time to head out?

Let's do it.

I've gotten us into
the hottest spot in town.

All right.

This Russian bathing ritual
dates back centuries.

The euca leaves really promote
exfoliation and circulation.

You will be glowing
for the wedding, Michael.

You may not even need
a spray tan.

¶ Macho, macho man ¶

¶ I've got to be
a macho man... ¶

Have you
seen my mom?

XIOMARA: Jane!
Ma!

There's my daughter.
They didn't believe I have

a daughter old enough
to get married.

Tell them you're my daughter.

(chuckles)
I'm her daughter.

Mom, I need my phone.

No, no phones.

No, no, Mom, I'm serious.

You see how serious she is?

Mom!
No.

No, no. Phone-free zone!

No, uh, wait, Ma,
where are you going?
To protect you from yourself!

No, Mom, that's not funny!
I'm doing you a favor!

You'll thank me later!
(stammering)

Give it to me!
What do you want to use it for?

You want to do some work?

No, I need to see
if Professor Blake called me

and to see
if I still have my job

because of the stripper
you sent.

Fine.

But I'm holding it.

So you don't go
answering e-mails.

Fine.

JANE:
You see?

Professor Blake left
a voice mail.

Okay, he's just
calling to say...

Oh, my God, I can keep my job!

Yes!
(laughs)

Go, Professor Tight-Ass!
That guy is such a dick.

I thought I was gonna have
to, like, send a stripper

to his house to pull
the pole out of his ass.

FEMALE VOICE:
Would you like to send your
message with normal delivery?

Wait, what message?
Oh, my God, no, no, no.

What happened?
Must've hit "call back."
Stop.

Message sent.
No...

Okay, we need to come up
with a plan.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Unfortunately,

coming up with a plan
is quite difficult

when you are...

Well, let's check.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Whoo-hoo!

Don't worry, nobody listens
to their voice mail anymore.

What are you talking about?

Everybody listens
to their voice mails, Ma.

LINA: I've got an idea.
Go.

Let's ask Siri.

Any other suggestions?

Angela, go.

I think if we all
think really hard,

we could delete it
with our minds.

Here's what we're gonna do.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
This ought to be good.

He's at a party
for prospective students.

I am gonna go to that party

and I am going
to steal his phone

and I'm going to erase
that message.

Wait, you can't
go in there.

You just had
a stripper at school.

Right.

Can you go?

Way too drunk.

Angela, can you go?

Sure. Where?

I know who could go!

(gasps)

I have to pee!

Get in. Hurry.

Not so fast.

Since we're doing you a favor,

we want something in return.

What?! Seriously?

We want to come
to your wedding now.

Great, you're in, twins.
Let's do this.

BOTH:
And be bridesmaids.

What? Why?

You don't even like me.

Yeah, but we could sell the
pictures to some tabloid

because of Rogelio
and fund our blog.

Plus, we'll be wearing
our own designs.

This is our chance to be
like the Olsen twins.

But less depressing.

And without Mary-Kate's
weird old French guy.

Fine, let's go!

Yes!
Awesome!

(gasps)

Break out the booze!

We're doing shots!

No, no shots.

MEN:
Shot! Shot! Shot!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Truth be told,

if Derek knew his boat
was being searched,

he probably wouldn't
feel so buoyed.

See what I did there?

But alas, he doesn't.

Dude, you don't have to keep
buying us drinks all night.

Hey, brotherly bonding.

And plus, I have
two sleeping babies

and two night nurses
upstairs that yell at me

every time I make noise.

(chuckles)

So, did you consider asking?

Stop, no.
Asking what?

He wants to buy into
this deal I'm looking at.

I told him he should
hit up his rich brother.

Brandon, enough.
All right.

I just am not in a position

to make any investments
right now.

No, of course not.

Let's just call it.
Thanks for the drinks.

We should, uh,
head back to the boat.

No, now, hey,
just, uh, just stay.

Uh, it's weird.
Now, now it seems

like I'm after
your money or something.

No, it doesn't.
It's fine, hey.

Come on, just sit down?

Sit down!

Come on, another round.

Let me at least pay this time.
Hey, put your money away.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I don't know about you,

but I'm not on board
with this make-under.

How'd you become
a stylist?

You have to have good taste

so celebrities
want your opinion.

Do any celebrities want yours?

(phone chimes)

LINA: Well, they
will eventually.

(chuckles, sighs)

Enough with the questions!

Up to you,
but I'd lose the towel.

It's not good for your pores.

Hey, you know, I'm feeling,
I'm feeling okay.

Your choice.
After this,

a quick plunge
in the cold pool and massages.

Space is limited,
so be sure to tell me

who you want as your couples
massage partner,

while I grab us
some cucumber water.

Okay, dude.

Dude, what the hell?

This is weird, dude.

No, no, no, wait, we left weird
back at his apartment.

This is way past weird.

I know, but what
am I supposed to do?

Get rid of your
crazy father-in-law.

Look, obviously
I don't want Rogelio here.

I don't want
to hurt his feelings.

Rogelio, I'm sorry.

No-no apology necessary.

I will take my leave
so you can start having fun.

Hey, Rogelio, I am so sorry.
I feel terrible.

If you didn't want me
at your party,

then why did you invite me?

I never meant to.

When you found about it
and-and wanted to come,

I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

And then you ran with it,
making this whole night.

Your friends weren't
making any plans.

I wanted it to be special.

I know.

I thought you like
being pampered.

Men these days.

They don't take enough time
for themselves.

It's not about the spa.

Having you here, it changes

the dynamic with my friends.

But we're friends!

#Brogelios4Life.

We are, but we're also
about to be family,

and you know,
that changes things.

They can't tell funny stories
and have them be inappropriate

while my wife's dad
is around, you know?

Yeah, I understand.

If I were a normal dad.

But I'm a cool dad.

You can be inappropriate
around me, I swear.

(sighs)

Okay, we-- I mean, all right.

You know that story
with the Redneck Riviera?

When you ate the worm?
Hilarious.

Yeah, and after that,

we went to a strip club
where we met

a stripper named Jane
and her twin sister,

and she showed us...
Enough, stop it!

I'm sorry.
I get it.

I get it.

You've made your point.

I'll cancel the massages

so you can go to a bar
with your friends

and talk about things I never
want to hear about again.

Okay, let's get
out of the pool...

Wait, wait, wait,
I-I mean,

I'm not really in a bar mood
right now-- are you?

I mean, we go to bars,
like, every night.

Yeah, and a two-hour massage,
bro, sounds kind of cool.

Fine, yeah, yeah.

We'll, uh, we'll
get the massages.

VALERIA:
Relax.

We got this.

Okay, repeat the plan

back to me just to make sure.

You go.

I thought you were listening.

I listened last time.

Okay, both of you, listen!

One of you says you have
a personal emergency

and you need to borrow
Professor Blake's phone

because both of your phones

are dead, then

one of you stays with him

while the other one goes
to make the call

and deletes the voice mail,
then you return

the phone to Professor Blake
and you slip out.

One champagne.
No champagne!

Calm down, calm down, we
got this. This is easy.

Yeah, it's like taking candy
from a baby.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Or leaving your babies.

Honestly, I don't know
what's more shocking.

Petra abandoning her children

or Petra taking a bus.

(moaning)

Can't believe how
much I like this.

You-you never had a massage?

No.

Well, they are

very relaxing.

So, Ro?

Is everything cool with us?

Yes, I understand
what you're saying.

There should be a certain amount

of decorum between father-in-law
and son-in-law.

I don't need to hear everything.

Okay, but the thing is,

you did hear about
the strippers or whatever.

Does that change
the way you feel about me?

What?

Of course not.

(sighs)
Okay, good.

I was worried.

You were?

Of course.

What you think
really matters to me.

More than anything.

I mean...
(chuckles)

I'm marrying your daughter.

You're massaging my heart
right now, Michael Cordero.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Aw!

Looks like this massage

has a happy ending after all!

(both imitate small explosion)

And just for the record,

I couldn't imagine
anyone better for Jane.

Oh...

You are my dream man.

JANE:
This is a nightmare.

Here, this will take
the edge off waiting.

I can't believe
this is happening!

We got it!
Huh?

Piece of cake!
You took it?

We figured we'd
let you do the honors.

Fine, give me that.

Oh, yes, it doesn't
require a code.

Sucker.
Ooh!

(gasps)
Found my voice mail.

He didn't listen!
Yes!

(gasps)
What is that?

His wallet.
What?!

(phone beeping)
What is it doing?

Oh, he has Find My Phone!

What?!
Ditch it, quick!

(grunts)
No!

Now!
Aah! Gah!

No!
For our blog!

Leave it.
(both grunt)

Run! Run!

We really did it!
I can't believe we did it!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Me neither.
Now let's get back to partying!

Wait, where's my mom?

She went back to get the phones.
What phones?

I guess she left her purse
with our phones in the bar?

What?
Except yours!

So we got her
an Uber and she's on it.

(sighs)

Chad's on the lookout.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And that's when...

Your fiancé.

...she saw him.

And he saw her.

Oh...

Did you hear back from your mom?

No, not yet.

God, your skin looks amazing.

Spasibo.
(laughs)

That's thank you
in Russian.

Fancy.
I know.

(phone chimes)
Oh, please, please, please.

Finally.

Ah...
I got this.

Don't worry,
I'm in charge of your mom.

Really?

Really.

LINA:
Good news,

bachelors and bachelorettes,

everyone is down for
an after-party at the Marbella.

Should we do it?

I don't know.

Do you want to?

I wouldn't mind a drink.

Last night of freedom, right?

Let's do it.

¶ Hey, hey, hey, hey ¶

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And do it, they did!

¶ 'Cause we comin'
out tonight... ¶

¶ Hey, hey, hip-hop hooray... ¶

I am on it, I am

(high voice):
on it!
Yeah!

(laughs)
(whoops)

¶ 'Cause we comin'
out tonight... ¶

Hey.

I might have not
gone to college,

but at least
I can dance, okay?

Why are you being so mean?

Oh, my God, Angela's been
so rude to me all night!

What are you talking about?
Yeah, yeah.

Asking questions...
That's Angela!

That's why we call
her Weird Angela.

I thought you said
she was brilliant.

She is, and weird.
Angela?

No! No!
Yes!

Angela, Lina would like
to apologize to you.

I'm sorry if I was
rude to you tonight.

When were you rude?

(mouths)
Who's thirsty?

Should I? I'm pretty wasted.

I just texted your mom.

She's pulling into the hotel.

Do it.

¶ Hey, hey, hip-hop hooray ¶

¶ Pop a bottle
and flow all day... ¶

Ah! (whoops)

¶ Pop a bottle
and flow all day ¶

¶ 'Cause we comin'
out tonight... ¶

It is going down!

Yeah?

Yeah!
(whoops)

(chimes tinkle)

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my honor

and privilege
to welcome to the stage

the Queen of Miami,
the Boss of the Beach,

the Maiden of the Marbella...

it's Sweet Lady Jane!

(cheering)

¶ ¶

¶ First things first,
I'm Sweet Lady Jane ¶

¶ And I'm-a drop lyrics
so sick, they insane ¶

¶ Got the 305 and
I'm bringing the pain ¶

¶ Got the fly boys screamin'
"That's Sweet Lady Jane" ¶

¶ Got a secret for y'all:
it's my last night of freedom ¶

¶ I'm like Don Quixote
and I'm finding my kingdom ¶

¶ Got my king by my side 'cause
this queen likes to ride ¶

¶ Far away from the baby mama
drama drama drama drama... ¶

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
At least, that's what happened
in her head.

In reality...
Jane was really wasted.

So it was more like this.

Yeah!
Yeah!

Yeah!
ALL:
Yeah!

¶ Y'all say... ¶
The point was,

she lost control.

¶ I love you
like you love me... ¶

¶ Yo. Yo. ¶
(beatboxing)

¶ It's gotta be great ¶

¶ I cannot wait ¶

¶ I wanna rock, I wanna roll ¶

¶ I wanna be so gangster ¶

¶ I'm gonna go slow,
real slow... ¶

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, dear.

Someone seems to be
having regrets.

Wait a second.

I wasn't awful.

So awful.

(laughing):
Oh, no!

Lina, um, a-as your
friend, I feel like

it's my duty
to let you know

that guy Chad, who you like,
he's out in the hall, and...

Oh!

Oh, my God. You have
got to be kidding me.

Mom?

(exhales)
Uh...

CHAD:
Wait, Lina, wait.

Jane, I'm sorry.

This is why I didn't want you
at my bachelorette party.

Because I knew
this would happen.

I knew you would act
like a drunk sorority girl.

Wait. That's not fair.

You're right.

(crying):
It's not fair!

You know why I'm such
a control freak, Mom?

Because I grew up with you,

and you are so out of control!

Hey.

I am so sorry.

No.

He was clearly a jerk.

It's better I know now.

Are you okay?

I think this...

and the Angela thing...

It's like,
you're getting married,

you have a kid,

and I'm happy for you, I am.

I know.

But it just makes me think

how everything is
moving forward for you,

but I'm still sort of lost.

I don't want to be
at the Marbella forever.

And you won't be.

Yeah.

(sniffs)

Do you want to make a list?

What kind of list?

Well, just like
a five-point action item list.

Don't worry, it's, like,
the most basic type of list.

Oh, my God,

you have different
types of lists?
Of course.

(laughs)
Hey, if you want
to be a stylist,

you gotta come up
with a plan, right?

Okay. Let's do it.

And my mom owes you
an apology, of course.

No. It's like
she helped me, kind of.

Seeing that... you know?
I don't know.

It's like a cautionary tale,

right?

(door opens)

Mmm...

I know.

Oh...

(sighs)

I messed up, Ma.

I really messed up.

No...

What the hell?

Oh, we all got them. Bam!

Oh, no!

Yep.

Oh, my God...

Yeah.
(giggles)

Oh, I'm still drunk.

I know.

(giggles)

But can I say something?

I love you so much.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
So, I guess we're back
to gushing levels.

And I'm not just gushing
because I'm drunk,

I'm gushing

because...

I've been having trouble
with my vows.

Distilling
what to say.

And tonight I realized

it's simple.

With you...

You make me feel safe,

in the best way.

And my mom kept telling me
to lose control,

but I couldn't
until you got here.

Because I know
you're watching over me.

(sobs)

Instead of me always having

to watch over everyone else.

So tonight is not

my last night of freedom,

it's my first night of freedom.

And that's what I'm going
to put in my vows.

Minus the whole
"mom out of control" part.

Actually, I wanted to talk
to you about that.

I've been feeling
a little stuck, and I,

and I figured out why--

during my massage.

(laughs)

I realized that
some things

are only meant for
certain people to hear.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Redneck Riviera, for example--

not a story for fathers-in-law.

And when it comes to
my feelings for you...

you're the only person that
I want to share those with.

So I was
wondering if...

maybe we didn't put the
vows in the program...

but instead I told
you them right now.

(softly):
Yes.

Yes, please.

¶ ¶

Jane...

(whispers):
Yeah?

¶ ¶

Sorry, but remember,
he wants these to be private.

You'll just have
to take my word for it--

they were perfect.

¶ ¶

Thank you.
And I am so sorry again

for waking them up
when I got in last night.

(sighs)

(phone chimes)

Huh.

I-I get a warrant, he knows
you told me about it.

So don't get a warrant.

Oh, come on, Michael.

We both know you're not
above bending the rules.

Those days are over.

It's all got to be
by the book now.

So apparently, Rafael took
matters into his own hands,

and he got proof that his
brother was telling the truth.

Thanks for letting me crash.

You okay?
Yeah.

Yeah.

For the first time,
he trusts you.

Sorry, I'm just...
Are you hungry?

Yeah.
Here, let's get
some food, huh?

I'll pull up a menu.

What's that e-mail?

From the bank?

Oh, my God.
What?

Did I buy stock last night?

I don't know, man.

It's all kind of a blur.
(chuckles): Yeah.

Oh, my God, I did.

And I just...

made $5 million.

Okay. Wow.

Uh... so we should probably get
our stories straight, right?

What do you mean?

Well, Brandon knew
they had the patent...

before they announced
it this morning.

You mean like...
insider trading?

I'm sorry, I...
I thought you knew.

That's why...
I didn't want you to invest.

What a mess.

And from one mess to another.

(knocking)

Hey. Pastelitos.

Ah, yes.

An old family tradition.

(knocking)

Pastelitos from Isidoro's.

¶ ¶

I'm sorry about last night.

I-I was out of control.

It's just that
you're turning 21.

And you're getting married.

(crying):
You're an adult now.

And what that does to me...

What that does to me-- well,

it makes me feel old, for one.

And it makes me realize...

that my big job is done.

Being a mom,

it's the only thing

I've been really successful at.

(sobbing):
And it makes me wonder...

what am I doing with my life?

¶ ¶

(crying): A-And I just
realized that I...

(chuckles) have
to figure it out, you know?

So I will.

And I'm sorry.

It's okay, Mom.

I know it's hard.

And I'm sorry.

And maybe
it was Jane's hangover

or the fact that
it was the same apology

Xo had given four years before
and four years before that,

but this time Jane said...

I don't want your apology, Mom.

I want you to grow up.

What are you talking about?
I'm plenty grown up.

We've been having
the same conversation for years.

At this point,
I should remind you

that Jane didn't lose control
very often.

And I've had it.

Enough with all
the excuses

and the apologies.

At this point

you are just a cautionary tale.

But when she did, it was epic.

(taking deep breaths)

¶ ¶

Which brings us back to Petra.

¶ ¶

It should be noted
that Petra, too,

rarely lost control.

Oh, my God.

My long-lost sister!
It's you!

(laughs):
It's really you!

Oh!

Then again,

that isn't Petra.

(exhales)