Jane the Virgin (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 16 - Chapter Thirty-Eight - full transcript
Petra continues to struggle with motherhood and Jane intervenes. Meanwhile, Michael and Jane begin to look into real estate and find a house that is about an hour away, much to the chagrin ...
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Let's
do this... by now you know
Jane and Michael got engaged.
- Will you marry me? Marry me.
- Yes!
Leaving Rafael heartbroken.
Also heartbroken? Rogelio.
See, he and Xo had reached an impasse.
I don't want to have any more kids.
Also at an impasse? Petra.
See, she gave birth to twin girls.
- Elsa and Anna.
- Like in Frozen?
No one except for you
would think of that.
But alas, she was having
a hard time adjusting
to new motherhood. In her defense,
she didn't have the greatest role model.
Oh, and speaking of
tricky family members,
Rafael's half brother
Derek was back in town.
And the question of the hour...
Was he working with their mother,
the notorious crime
lord known as Mutter?
Michael certainly thought so.
But Rafael, apparently not as much.
RAFAEL: I think Derek's
telling the truth.
Oh, and speaking of danger,
remember Alba's first love?
Yo soy Pablo Alonso Segura.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well,
Alba swore he was cursed!
And yet...
And then this happened...
I know... OMG, right?
Things are getting seriously
biblical up in here!
So let's get started.
In the beginning,
there was Alba and Mateo in Miami.
And at first, the house
was charmless and empty.
And Alba said...
_
_
So Mateo built her a porch swing.
And it was so.
And there was morning.
And there was evening.
And God blessed them and said to them,
"Be fruitful and multiply."
And Alba begat Xiomara.
And Xiomara begat Jane.
Who begat Mateo II.
And it was good.
And then came the flood.
(thunder rolls)
Sorry, not that kind of flood.
But remember this?
(screams)
_
And thus, they would have to rebuild.
And so Alba, like Noah
before her, said...
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Ma, just because Rafael was
generous enough to let us stay here...
Ah.
Does not mean we should take advantage.
_
It was too overcast to go to the beach.
ALBA: Hey.
I thought we were meeting you
at the house with the contractors.
Michael's neighbors
complained about Mateo.
Seriously, who complains about Mateo?!
_
- Can you blame him?
- He's been displaced!
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes,
the Great Villanueva diaspora.
Anyway, Michael's lease is up soon.
We were gonna look for a
new place after the wedding.
It's just really bad timing.
Or really bad luck.
_
Oh, Pablo, didn't know you were here.
You remember Pablo Alonso Segura, right?
Alba swore he was cursed.
Jane and Xo didn't believe.
_
You'll notice the tables have turned.
In Alba's defense, a more
scientific explanation
of events had emerged.
Long before Pablo arrived,
a pipe at the house got clogged,
which begat a leak,
which begat water damage
to a circuit breaker, which
begat the power outage
when Pablo arrived.
After the water continued
to fill up the attic,
until it could no longer
bear the weight of it,
which begat the ceiling crashing open
which begat the great flood!
And while that does make sense, well,
it's the third doorknob
this week, people!
Okay, let's hustle.
We don't want to be
late for the contractor.
Hopefully, she can get us
back in the house very soon.
Yeah, you're not moving
back in any time soon.
So, it's as bad as it looks?
It's actually worse than it looks.
Infested with mold.
Oh.
Do you think I'll still be able
to get married here in six weeks?
(laughing): That's cute.
Oh, you're being serious?
Yeah, there's no way that's happening.
_
JANE: Okay, I think I
have everything I need.
You guys ready?
XIOMARA: Coming.
_
XIOMARA: What's that?
The first Bible Abuela bought me.
I was looking for it
when Mateo was born.
It's in perfect shape!
_
ROGELIO: I am your savior.
- _
- See, Jane, every time God closes a door,
he opens up
the opportunity
for a much bigger wedding venue!
Ah, we have to make decisions.
I've been texting with Lauren Conrad,
and she says we are way behind
in our planning calendar.
Dad, this
all looks so excessive
a-and so expensive.
People are loving Tiago and my profile's
never been higher,
thanks to my kidnapping.
So I'm sparing no expense.
And that is so generous, but still,
I just want, like, a small wedding.
But we no longer have to adhere
to the size restrictions of the house.
- 75 people, Dad.
- Don't remind me.
I don't know how I'm going to squeeze
- my list to 75.
- What?
What do I tell the president
of Mexico or Charo?
- Oh.
- Oprah?
I mean, even if I
could get a hundred...
Dad!
The wedding is 75 people total.
What?
That's not a wedding.
That's a game night.
- You get 15 people.
- 15 people?
Oh, great, my daughter's
getting married on the same day
- I lose all my friends!
- Dad!
- I can't reduce to 15 people.
- You'll figure it out.
We can go over the list together.
DEREK: We've gone over it already.
Yeah, but just to
clarify, 'cause I'm still
having trouble connecting a few dots.
So you find out your mom
died, you decide to...
hike the Appalachian Trail.
So you drove alone to Georgia.
What are you clarifying?
You seem to have all the details.
Yeah, but I feel like
you're leaving some out,
pertaining to your mother.
_
See, I think you know where she is.
What the hell?
You're questioning my brother
without his lawyer present?
This is an informal thing.
His lawyer is in New York.
Informal, right. Come on.
Get up. We're leaving.
No, sit down. You're not leaving.
Let me speak to you outside.
- What the hell are you doing?!
- What the hell are you doing?!
I'm trying to conduct an investigation!
And my brother was not
involved with our mother!
- I'm getting him local counsel.
- From now on,
you do not question him
without his attorney present.
(Mateo crying)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Okay, I can kind of see
why Michael's neighbors complained.
I think he's teething.
Oh, I'm gonna try walking him.
Okay.
- Hi. Bye.
- Hi.
Bye. Bye.
(crying continues)
Hmm.
Okay, okay.
(shushes)
(shushing)
(crying)
Oh! (shushes)
Sorry.
Oh.
- (Mateo stops crying)
- (gasps)
(whispers): Finally.
The twins keeping you up?
Hmm?
Oh, the babies?
No, no, no. They're-they're,
they're good sleepers.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Uh, how does your family
like living here?
It's too bad the sun's been hiding out.
My grandma's never leaving.
(chuckles)
And Michael and I are gonna go
look at a place tomorrow.
Yeah, there's like a...
I didn't realize there were
so many charming houses
in my price range...
Petra, are you okay?
Yeah, good.
Tired. (chuckles)
Good luck with the, uh,
charming houses.
Thanks.
Hmm.
Okay, so clearly "charming"
is code for "small and old."
Mm-hmm.
_
Take your time. Look around.
A house has to speak to you.
Come on.
Pretty depressing. We can't live here.
Well, a coat of paint,
some plants.
It's got nothing on our list.
_
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Yeah, that list is not happening.
Not on your budget.
Yeah, got to be honest.
I'm falling apart here, Jane.
I've got asbestos in my bones,
creaks in my floorboards,
and a dirty-ash chimney.
You know what, yeah, this
isn't really speaking to us.
Okay, let me show you something
that might be interesting.
Oh! Two bedroom, two bath,
actually within your price range.
Oh. What's the catch?
It's in West Miramar,
about, uh, 30 minutes away.
I don't know.
Our lives are here.
Well, people commute.
You know, let's just go look at it.
It's a real house with a yard.
PHARAOH STATUE: Go, Jane, go!
Get out of here while you still can.
(coughing)
- _
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It should be noted
that with every fiber of her being,
Jane really wanted to hate this house.
And it should be noted, with
every fiber of her body,
she did not.
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The drive didn't even feel that far.
- It really didn't, right?
- And with podcasts?
I actually like driving.
I think it's relaxing.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
(speaks indistinctly)
Whoa, slow down.
Look, let's not beat around the bush.
I'm kind of perfect, right?
My dishwasher, the swooshy yard.
And did you meet the
Diaz-Goldbergs next door?
They've got a daughter on the honor roll
who babysits.
But can you really move
Mateo 39 minutes away?
I mean,
I hate to be all doomsday prophecy,
but your baby daddy's
never gonna go for it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And as
much as Jane hated to admit it,
she knew the snarky
wallpaper made a good point.
JANE: And West Miramar's
only 30 minutes away.
- It's 45 minutes away.
- 39.
With no traffic.
That's over an hour
for every pickup and drop-off.
And what if something big happens?
Like he takes his first step?
It's not like I can just pop over.
I know.
And trust me,
I wish it was closer.
But it has a yard
for Mateo, you know?
And-and we can't afford
that kind of house in Miami.
Yeah, but I can.
Find a house like it,
near here,
and I'll pay the difference.
Before you say no, just...
will you think about it?
Like, really think about it?
We can't take your money.
Why not?
Everything's about compromise.
And it's what's best for Mateo.
He'd grow up in a nice
place near his dad...
Look, just talk about it with Michael
and-and at least consider it.
Yeah, okay.
We'll consider it.
Okay, good-bye, Mr. Sweetface.
(kisses) Mommy loves you, yes.
I'll see you tomorrow.
So Petra's back full-time?
Yeah.
And is she okay?
Because I saw her last
night, and she seemed off.
She's definitely overwhelmed.
- Yeah.
- It kind of seems like
she's afraid of them.
Maybe I'll check on her.
Just mom...
to mom,
I wanted to see how you were doing.
Because Rafael and I
are a little concerned.
And yes, we talked about it
and I know you don't like to be handled.
I... don't really know
what I'm doing...
with them.
That is totally normal.
It is!
Have you ever been to one of
those new moms groups?
- Oh, please.
- Seriously.
I-I went when I was feeling
overwhelmed, and it helped.
Because then you see
that everyone's going
through the same thing.
Well, even if I wanted to,
I can't go out with two
babies; it's such an ordeal.
Petra...
- Fine. Will you take me?
- Yes.
- MICHAEL: Whoa.
- Hi.
What are all those doing here?
Trying to make the
place homier for Mateo.
Aw.
You know, I never thought I'd say this,
but I'm actually getting
kind of sick of shrimp cocktail.
_
Okay, so, I just got off
the phone with the Realtor.
Turns out there are other people
making a play for the house.
So they want us to write
some kind of a letter
explaining why we are
the perfect tenants.
Yeah, about that...
Rafael already said no?
He just thinks it's too far.
Oh...
- He did offer...
- What?
- I already said no.
- To what?
Well, to pay the difference
for a comparable place here.
- No. We are not accepting his money.
- Calm down.
I said no. I knew you'd never go for it.
- Would you?
- No. (scoffs)
I think.
I don't know. Maybe.
I mean, it would be better
for Mateo to be close to his father.
I'm sorry, I just don't
feel comfortable with that.
I know. I get it.
I mean, there's always
strings attached with money.
Like, look at your dad and the wedding.
He thinks because he's paying for it
he can invite whoever he wants.
- What? Did he call you?
- (doorbell rings)
Ma, your room service!
Texted. Three times.
He's desperate for some wiggle room
with his guest list, and by that I mean
he wants to invite the actual Wiggles.
- Oh...
- Apparently, they're very dear friends.
He also wants to know if Charo performs,
does that count as entertainment
or as one of his guests?
- Charo is performing?
- No.
I can't believe he went
to you after I said no.
You just need to tell
him to back the hell off.
I would, but he needs
his space from me, so...
JANE: Okay.
New rule: if we haven't met them,
they can't come. Period.
Oh... !
They gave me extra chipotle mayo.
What?
I love it here.
_
_
What if we made a schedule
and presented it to Rafael?
I'll be driving into Miami
every weekday for work...
And I'll be coming into Miami
three days a week for school
and twice for shifts at the Marbella.
You know? So between
me, Michael and my mom,
you'll barely have to
spend any time in the car.
Before you say no,
will you at least consider it?
Like you guys considered the money?
Come on.
We did.
You can understand us not taking it.
Look, I know it's not ideal,
but I-it's only a year lease.
If it doesn't work, we won't renew.
You're the one who said we
all have to make compromises,
and a year is not that long.
_
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(laughs)
_
Mmm.
_
No.
_
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Abuela?
_
_
(giggles)
Abuela, that's...
Hilarious.
You're joking, right?
_
Abuela, what Mom is trying to say
is that you guys have only
known each other for a week.
_
So date. Yeah?
What's the rush?
_
_
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It
should be noted that years
of reading each other's body language
allowed Jane to correctly
interpret this as,
"It still seems pretty crazy to me."
And Xo correctly translated this as,
"I know, but what can
we do? She's happy."
Abuela, if that's what you
want, we are happy for you.
- Ay...
- Yeah.
Ah...
I can't believe you're
both getting married!
I really gotta step up my game!
- Ah!
- (laughter)
Which brings us here, now.
Any silly games?
Nope. No games.
Cheesy songs?
Maybe one cheesy song.
But it's not about rainbows
and friendship and gross stuff.
And you do not have to sing.
♪ And my name is Petra ♪
MOMS: ♪ Hi, Petra, hi, Petra ♪
♪ I'm mommy to Elsa and Anna ♪
Oh, like in Frozen?
No, not like that at all.
♪ Hi, Elsa, hi, Anna ♪
♪ And my name is Ja-ane ♪
MOMS: ♪ Hi, Jane, hi, Jane ♪
♪ I'm mommy to Mateo ♪
♪ Who's not here but I am ♪
♪ Because my... ♪
Oh, um, sorry.
Because, uh, when he was a newborn,
this group was really helpful.
Uh... just in terms of not making me
feel so alone and overwhelmed.
And my... (clears throat)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: What
is the right word here?
Friend...
Slash son's sisters' baby mama...
Petra is going through it,
times two.
WOMAN: You're in the right place.
We're all feeling alone
and overwhelmed here.
WOMAN 2: This is my second kid.
I thought I was prepared.
No.
That newborn bubble, it is intense.
- And the hormones.
- (baby fussing)
There are days when I
wonder why I did it.
Are there any days you don't wonder?
(laughter)
(knocking at door)
Oh, hi.
Good morning.
Is, uh, Jane here?
I wanted her to join
my dear friend and I
for breakfast downstairs.
Hi.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Cuchi, cuchi!
Is that who I think it is?
_
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_
Uh...
Jane isn't here.
She went to a new
mommy class with Petra.
Oh, dear.
Rogelio, we can meet her at class.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're... we can discuss.
Thank you, Xiomara.
Actually,
do you have a minute to chat?
- Alone?
- Mmm...
I keep no secrets from Charo.
Okay...
I know you and Jane haven't
exactly been seeing eye to eye
with all this wedding stuff...
Lauren says
that spirited disagreement
is part of the fun of
planning a wedding.
Who is Lauren?
L.C.
Okay.
Look, I just want you to know
that I'm here, in case
you need help navigating.
Stop, Xiomara. I think
I made it very clear.
I need space from you.
But... but this is about
Jane and the wedding.
And we're still a family,
first and foremost.
Yes, we are.
But my heart is also still broken.
And repeating that over
and over is getting a little...
embarrassing.
Come, Charo.
PETRA: And I feel...
at a loss, I guess.
I mean,
I-I, I look at them
and I know they're my daughters,
but I-I just...
can't connect with them.
I don't know, I just feel like
m-maybe they would be
better off with...
someone else taking care of them.
JANE: You know that's not true, right?
You're their mom.
Petra...
I'm fine.
(laughing): I'm fine.
I'm just overwhelmed, like
everybody else here is.
WOMAN: Petra, I'm gonna jump in here.
It definitely sounds like
you're veering into
postpartum territory.
- What? No. No.
- How's your sleep?
Fine.
I saw you walking the halls
in the middle of the night
What is this, some kind of intervention?
You told me to come here to
talk about how I was feeling.
And now I'm hearing you
and I'm a little concerned.
I'm fine.
Excuse me,
- I-I need to use the restroom.
- Oh.
I got her.
Wow.
♪ ♪
So...
you never came back.
The way everyone was judging me there?
We were concerned.
Look, early motherhood is hard
and I don't think that I would've
been able to get through
it without these...
great moments with Mateo.
And I just don't think
you're having great moments.
♪ ♪
Look, Pippa's mom had postpartum
with baby number one.
Here's the number to
the doctor that she saw.
And FYI,
I hear that the doctor is very
exclusive and very expensive.
Yeah, and I don't even
think they take insurance.
Just tell me that you'll think about it.
I'll think about it.
_
_
(sighs)
_
PETRA: What's wrong?
You-you look upset.
Everything okay with the hotel?
No, I...
You're with the twins.
Well, it's not like they
can fend for themselves.
Is this about our booking
shortfall this month?
RAFAEL: No. No, no.
I was just writing an e-mail to Jane.
Her and Michael found a
house they can afford,
but it's 40 minutes away, and I...
I just don't want Mateo that far.
- You freaking kidding me?
- Excuse me?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And
that's when it happened.
After everything Jane's done,
starting with having
Mateo in the first place
after your sister knocked her up,
and you can't tolerate a small commute
to let her live in her dream house?
Get over yourself, Rafael, and
find a way to make it work.
And so, just as Jesus rose
Lazarus from the dead,
Petra Solano went to the
mat for Jane Villanueva
on this day in the
Year of our Lord 2016.
_
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DIRECTOR: And action!
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And cut! Good.
It was so nice of you to
come here on your day off.
You needed to think of my character.
I want you to give a great performance.
I also wonder, after work,
you want to... run lines?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ooh, sounds
like "running lines" means having sex.
And then maybe we can have sex.
Oh, I guess it just meant run lines.
Uh, I'm sorry, Adriana.
I don't think it's
the right time for me.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Jane!
(Rogelio laughs)
- Thank you for coming, Jane.
- Oh, of course.
You were amazing, and I loved that w...
No need to shower me with praise.
Come, there are some
people I want you to meet.
It should be noted that Rogelio
failing to bask in her praise
was Jane's first clue that
something weird was going on.
Jane, I want you to meet all
my friends at video village.
Jane's second clue that
something weird was going on?
_
And, my dear, dear friend, Charo.
Aah!
Jane, you are so cute.
Oh, thank you so much, Charo.
You're spectacular.
- Charo.
- I know.
ROGELIO: And this is Lewis and Andres.
Have you guys seen Kathie Lee and Hoda?
Hi, everyone. If you could
just excuse me for one minute.
- Yeah, but...
- No.
Are you seriously trying to find
a loophole in our guest rule?
(scoffing): Of course not.
- Dad.
- Perhaps.
I just thought
that once you met them,
you will bend your
insane 15-person rule.
- It's not happening.
- Why? I'm the one paying for it.
Excuse me?
Uh, I just mean that it's not
about the money for me.
It's not about money for me either.
It's about who I want there.
Which is why Michael
and I will pay for it.
What?! Yeah, it's just
easier that way, Dad.
But... Jane...
Uh, so what do you want me to
do with all this extra cake?
Let the crew eat it or... ?
Put it in the freezer.
I'll take it home and
eat it on my cheat days.
_
JANE: It's too complicated
with Dad, you know?
Too many strings.
This way is better.
All I need to do is find a
new venue that's super cheap
and available in a month and a half.
_
Really?
_
Great. Have a double wedding.
Ma, stop.
Do you really want to get married
where the church ladies play bingo?
All that matters is that I'm
marrying the man that I love
surrounded by the people that I love.
I'll go look at the church
after Michael and I sign the lease.
Oh, I need to go.
Good luck.
Mwah.
Adios.
Mwah. Adios.
_
The house isn't too far, right?
_
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MAN: Ready to make this official?
Two copies, read 'em over.
There you go, buddy.
It's all standard stuff, babe.
I'm yours for the taking.
- _
- (thunder rumbles)
WALLPAPER BIRD: Come on, that's
not real; you're just imagining it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Says
the talking wallpaper.
- Jane, look.
- (gasps)
♪ ♪
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
Mateo, you're cruising!
- This is, like, uh, a milestone, right?
- REALTOR: I'm filming.
What a sign, right? In the new house.
And it did feel like a sign to Jane,
but a very different one.
♪ ♪
What's wrong?
(sighs) Um...
We can't live here.
What? I'm sorry.
It's okay for me to be
away from my parents,
because I am an adult,
but Mateo isn't...
and he should be close to his father.
WALLPAPER BIRD: Uh, lady, what?
Need I remind you of
my built-in dishwasher
and the fact that there are
jets in the master bath?
I don't care about the
dishwasher and the jets
- in the bath, okay?
- I'm not gonna change my mind!
Whoa, whoa. Why are you
yelling at me? I get it.
- You do?
- Yes.
I do.
So we'll keep looking.
It doesn't matter where we live,
'cause wherever you are is home to me.
♪ ♪
WALLPAPER BIRD: Yeah, good
luck finding direct sunlight
and wood floors, you cheeseballs.
WOMAN (over phone): And do you
ever have thoughts of running away?
Yes.
Yes, I have.
It's okay. That's okay.
And does postpartum
depression run in your family?
Did your mother suffer from it?
I don't know.
We're not exactly... close.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
That's one way to put it.
Well, if you can, ask
her before you come in.
The more we know, the
better we can help you.
What do you mean you're taking
off? Where are you going?
New York for a little while.
I got some friends who'll let me crash.
Why not just stay here?
In Miami?
(chuckles softly)
There's nothing for me here.
Just a bunch of people judging
me because of who my mom is.
Same with me.
Stay.
I'll get you a job here.
Let's hope this story turns out to be
more Prodigal Son than Cain and Abel.
DEREK (over speaker):
Why would you do that?
RAFAEL: Like I said, we're family.
Oh, dear! Michael's spying on Rafael!
This could be bad.
It wasn't that bad.
There was a pigeon inside.
There's exactly one
half-functioning toilet
for the entire rec room.
Okay, some nice lighting,
music, scented candles...
There are no windows.
Hotel living has really spoiled you.
Maybe.
But why would you want to
have your wedding there
when you could have it
somewhere much nicer?
I tried, but Dad won't
listen to what I want.
Yeah, okay. What's so
bad about what he wants?
I just want to keep the wedding small.
It's a religious sacrament.
Agreed. Keep the cereceny small.
You think Charo wants to sit in church?
But why not have a big party after?
What's the big deal?
You used to dream of a big wedding?
I don't know, it's just...
- not where I'm at now.
- Well,
it's not really all about you, is it?
My wedding? It kind of is.
Nah. It's also about your family.
We get to show you off.
Plus, your dad didn't get
to throw you a communion
party or your quinceañera.
And he's proud of you.
Ugh, you might be right.
I'll think about it.
Oh. Wrong floor.
Must have pushed it by mistake.
And that's when she saw him.
Now, was it Pablo's coat of many colors
that caught her eye?
Who knows? In any case,
Jane turned around to look.
And unlike Lot's wife, she didn't
turn into a pillar of salt.
But if she could have turned
Pablo into one, believe me,
Jane would have, or maybe
she'd smite him instead.
Yes, smiting! Let's go with that.
_
I'm so sorry, Abuela.
(sighs)
_
Hey.
You can't blame yourself
because he turned out to be a jerk.
You got swept up in the romance.
_
_
- What?!
- Uh...
_
Oh, my God. Welcome to my world.
(laughing)
You know what? This was good.
So he wasn't the guy.
Mm. You should be dating.
Ooh, I agree.
_
Mm-hmm.
So... what are you gonna do about Pablo?
_
_
- _
- (thunder crashing)
- _
- (thunderbolts zapping)
_
_
_
_
_
_
(grunts)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And
thusly was he cast out.
♪ ♪
Look. A rainbow.
Oh.
MAGDA: What do I care about a rainbow?
My own daughter put me in jail.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, yes. Here's Magda,
back in her old, familiar
stomping grounds.
_
Because you killed a man, Mother.
In self-defense.
Well, with one crucial difference.
_
Look, I didn't come
here to fight with you.
I came because...
I had the twins.
You're a grandmother.
Whoop-de-do.
(inhales slowly)
(exhales)
And... to be honest,
I've been... struggling.
A little.
And the doctor asked
for my family history,
so I-I was wondering
if, um, well, after you had me,
did you ever feel...
depressed?
Depressed?
I had baby girl.
In Czechoslovakia.
In 1985.
Of course I was depressed.
You were depressed.
The neighbor who delivered you
was depressed.
We were all depressed.
Plus, I was not built to be mother.
And neither are you.
You want my honest opinion?
The best thing you
could do for those girls
is to give them away.
♪ ♪
Dad?
(sighs)
I think I was being too stubborn.
What?
I was talking to Mom,
and she basically...
told me to get over
myself. And she's right.
I get why you want to bring
75 of your closest friends.
So, for the ceremony,
we can keep it small,
but for the party... what
the hell, let's go bigger.
Really? Do you still have the binder?
It's...
somewhere. Here it is.
Okay. (clears throat) You pick.
Um... What do you
think about Versailles?
What? No, I don't want
a destination wedding.
Oh, no. We'd rebuilt it.
I mean, not to scale, but...
Think a little more low-key.
The Miami Zoo?
L.C. did rustic chic,
which could be fun with big farm tables.
Yeah, okay, maybe.
We could rent out a farm.
Farms are fun.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And suddenly,
Rogelio realized one
person who could help him.
And it wasn't Lauren Conrad.
Oh, hi.
I-I was just waiting for my mom.
I didn't know you'd be here.
I was actually looking for
you. You spoke with Jane?
Oh, well, yeah, uh... she
was just being stubborn.
Yeah. I think she gets it from me.
I don't know, I think
part of me felt that if I stayed away,
you'd miss me enough.
It's just hard for me to
accept it's over, but it is.
And I have to move on.
Because we're family,
first and foremost, right?
Yes. Always.
I need your help.
I want Jane to love her wedding
and I have the perfect place to have it.
Really? I brought some
frozen cake from work.
Let's have a piece and
I'll tell you my idea.
Yeah, I heard everything.
The bug's working great.
RAFAEL: Good.
Well, then you know he took
the job. He's staying in town.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, wow.
- MICHAEL: Yup.
As soon as you set him up
with an office, we'll wire it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I
guess Rafael doesn't quite
trust his brother after all.
Perfect.
You're not having second
thoughts, are you?
No.
Look, I need to know what
he knew about our mother.
Yeah.
Hey, um... thanks for, you know,
agreeing to let us move to
that house in West Miramar.
You know, even though... we're not.
No problem. Thanks for...
you know, not moving there.
Anyway, um, I'm sure
you'll find a place soon.
You guys just started looking.
Yeah.
(gasps) Is that Michael?
Oh, you got to see this.
What? The Realtor just sent it over.
Two bedroom, two bath, two-car garage,
less than a mile from
here, in our price range.
Whoa. What's the catch?
Well, I asked the
Realtor, he said no catch.
Oh. It has to be Rafael subsidizing it.
I was talking to him on
the phone and he says
he was sure we'd find something.
What if it is?
- Is it?
- I don't know. I mean,
I wouldn't rule it out.
But... so what?
I mean, honestly,
it's good for Mateo.
Yeah, it's good for you, baby!
You know? A close house, near his dad.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: good
And that's when he realized...
You're right.
What?
I mean, everyone's tried
to compromise but me,
it's half a block away from a park.
Really?
Let's go see it.
Oh.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And
it should be noted they did.
And this time they wanted to love it.
- This is a great street.
- Yeah.
- You see the lemon tree?
- I did.
Well, get ready...
Because I'm purrfect.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And so
they opened the door, to find...
(indistinct conversations)
Where have you been? I told
you to hustle right over here.
We stopped for lunch.
Who are all these people?
You didn't think there'd be competition
for a house like this?
We thought that my son's
father had bought it
under an assumed name
because we wouldn't
- take a direct handout from him.
- I'm sorry, what?
- We were wrong, so...
- Whatever. Look,
there are seven people
on the list already.
Everyone's putting in an application,
so you'll have to write that letter
selling yourselves to the owners.
What makes you guys the perfect tenants?
LION: So, what are you
standing there for, Jane?
Go home and win this house
with your magical prose.
Got it. I'm all over it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And so it was
on the tenth day after the flood
in the year 2016, Jane
composed the letter.
So, what do you think?
You are a beautiful writer.
Oh. But...
I think the owner's more
interested in knowing if we're
gonna, you know, play loud
music and pay our rent on time
than they are in your
childhood memories.
Oh, my God, I totally disagree.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And thus, they debated
and rewrote
and reviseth until they were happy.
And then they rested. And it was good.
- Oh.
- (giggles)
- _
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Even gooder...
- or, rather, better...
ROGELIO: Okay, ready?
JANE: Ready.
One, two, and...
here's where you're getting married.
I don't understand.
How did you do this so fast?
I wanted you to have your dream wedding,
so I had my crew work round the clock.
And, as you can see, the reception
will spill out onto the soundstage.
You are totally crazy.
And it's totally perfect.
Thank you.
But I can't take all the
credit. It was a team effort.
(phone rings)
Oh, shh, shh! Guys,
- it's the Realtor, the Realtor.
- Oh!
Hello?
Hi. Yes.
Uh...
(whispers): No.
We got it?
Oh!
Yes, great, thank you.
Thank you.
They loved us. They love our letter.
(laughs)
What did you write?
Just about our family.
And ours is big and messy
and unconventional and also
the most important thing to us.
(phone rings)
Do they have any idea I'm the owner?
Between the other couples
and the letter... no. They have no idea.
Good.
- (guitar playing gently)
- It's a good letter.
So, you're really moving.
I'm really moving.
How am I gonna live without you two?
Oh, stop.
_
I'm just saying, it'll be different.
Yeah, it will be.
But...
it's good.
It's time.
_
It really is, huh?
You want to go look?
(guitar continues playing)
Hey, hey!
Jane, I am just
checking out the acoustics.
Rogelio asked me to play a song
for papa and daughter
dance at the wedding.
Sounds great. Thank you, Charo.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And it was so.
Oh. Oh, Michael pulled the car in front.
(sighs)
Okay.
- All right. Go with Abuela.
- (fussing)
- Oh, I know, I know.
- (Abuela speaks Spanish)
_
Yeah, I hope so.
No offense.
_
_
- Ma...
- Huh?
It's not a real house. There's no water.
Ah, Dios mi...
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And God said let there be light...
And there was light.
Unfortunately, less
than four miles away,
at the Marbella,
there was also darkness.
MAGDA: The best thing you
could do for those girls
is to give them away.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And remember,
that is what triggered the exodus.
_
do this... by now you know
Jane and Michael got engaged.
- Will you marry me? Marry me.
- Yes!
Leaving Rafael heartbroken.
Also heartbroken? Rogelio.
See, he and Xo had reached an impasse.
I don't want to have any more kids.
Also at an impasse? Petra.
See, she gave birth to twin girls.
- Elsa and Anna.
- Like in Frozen?
No one except for you
would think of that.
But alas, she was having
a hard time adjusting
to new motherhood. In her defense,
she didn't have the greatest role model.
Oh, and speaking of
tricky family members,
Rafael's half brother
Derek was back in town.
And the question of the hour...
Was he working with their mother,
the notorious crime
lord known as Mutter?
Michael certainly thought so.
But Rafael, apparently not as much.
RAFAEL: I think Derek's
telling the truth.
Oh, and speaking of danger,
remember Alba's first love?
Yo soy Pablo Alonso Segura.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well,
Alba swore he was cursed!
And yet...
And then this happened...
I know... OMG, right?
Things are getting seriously
biblical up in here!
So let's get started.
In the beginning,
there was Alba and Mateo in Miami.
And at first, the house
was charmless and empty.
And Alba said...
_
_
So Mateo built her a porch swing.
And it was so.
And there was morning.
And there was evening.
And God blessed them and said to them,
"Be fruitful and multiply."
And Alba begat Xiomara.
And Xiomara begat Jane.
Who begat Mateo II.
And it was good.
And then came the flood.
(thunder rolls)
Sorry, not that kind of flood.
But remember this?
(screams)
_
And thus, they would have to rebuild.
And so Alba, like Noah
before her, said...
_
_
Ma, just because Rafael was
generous enough to let us stay here...
Ah.
Does not mean we should take advantage.
_
It was too overcast to go to the beach.
ALBA: Hey.
I thought we were meeting you
at the house with the contractors.
Michael's neighbors
complained about Mateo.
Seriously, who complains about Mateo?!
_
- Can you blame him?
- He's been displaced!
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes,
the Great Villanueva diaspora.
Anyway, Michael's lease is up soon.
We were gonna look for a
new place after the wedding.
It's just really bad timing.
Or really bad luck.
_
Oh, Pablo, didn't know you were here.
You remember Pablo Alonso Segura, right?
Alba swore he was cursed.
Jane and Xo didn't believe.
_
You'll notice the tables have turned.
In Alba's defense, a more
scientific explanation
of events had emerged.
Long before Pablo arrived,
a pipe at the house got clogged,
which begat a leak,
which begat water damage
to a circuit breaker, which
begat the power outage
when Pablo arrived.
After the water continued
to fill up the attic,
until it could no longer
bear the weight of it,
which begat the ceiling crashing open
which begat the great flood!
And while that does make sense, well,
it's the third doorknob
this week, people!
Okay, let's hustle.
We don't want to be
late for the contractor.
Hopefully, she can get us
back in the house very soon.
Yeah, you're not moving
back in any time soon.
So, it's as bad as it looks?
It's actually worse than it looks.
Infested with mold.
Oh.
Do you think I'll still be able
to get married here in six weeks?
(laughing): That's cute.
Oh, you're being serious?
Yeah, there's no way that's happening.
_
JANE: Okay, I think I
have everything I need.
You guys ready?
XIOMARA: Coming.
_
XIOMARA: What's that?
The first Bible Abuela bought me.
I was looking for it
when Mateo was born.
It's in perfect shape!
_
ROGELIO: I am your savior.
- _
- See, Jane, every time God closes a door,
he opens up
the opportunity
for a much bigger wedding venue!
Ah, we have to make decisions.
I've been texting with Lauren Conrad,
and she says we are way behind
in our planning calendar.
Dad, this
all looks so excessive
a-and so expensive.
People are loving Tiago and my profile's
never been higher,
thanks to my kidnapping.
So I'm sparing no expense.
And that is so generous, but still,
I just want, like, a small wedding.
But we no longer have to adhere
to the size restrictions of the house.
- 75 people, Dad.
- Don't remind me.
I don't know how I'm going to squeeze
- my list to 75.
- What?
What do I tell the president
of Mexico or Charo?
- Oh.
- Oprah?
I mean, even if I
could get a hundred...
Dad!
The wedding is 75 people total.
What?
That's not a wedding.
That's a game night.
- You get 15 people.
- 15 people?
Oh, great, my daughter's
getting married on the same day
- I lose all my friends!
- Dad!
- I can't reduce to 15 people.
- You'll figure it out.
We can go over the list together.
DEREK: We've gone over it already.
Yeah, but just to
clarify, 'cause I'm still
having trouble connecting a few dots.
So you find out your mom
died, you decide to...
hike the Appalachian Trail.
So you drove alone to Georgia.
What are you clarifying?
You seem to have all the details.
Yeah, but I feel like
you're leaving some out,
pertaining to your mother.
_
See, I think you know where she is.
What the hell?
You're questioning my brother
without his lawyer present?
This is an informal thing.
His lawyer is in New York.
Informal, right. Come on.
Get up. We're leaving.
No, sit down. You're not leaving.
Let me speak to you outside.
- What the hell are you doing?!
- What the hell are you doing?!
I'm trying to conduct an investigation!
And my brother was not
involved with our mother!
- I'm getting him local counsel.
- From now on,
you do not question him
without his attorney present.
(Mateo crying)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Okay, I can kind of see
why Michael's neighbors complained.
I think he's teething.
Oh, I'm gonna try walking him.
Okay.
- Hi. Bye.
- Hi.
Bye. Bye.
(crying continues)
Hmm.
Okay, okay.
(shushes)
(shushing)
(crying)
Oh! (shushes)
Sorry.
Oh.
- (Mateo stops crying)
- (gasps)
(whispers): Finally.
The twins keeping you up?
Hmm?
Oh, the babies?
No, no, no. They're-they're,
they're good sleepers.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Uh, how does your family
like living here?
It's too bad the sun's been hiding out.
My grandma's never leaving.
(chuckles)
And Michael and I are gonna go
look at a place tomorrow.
Yeah, there's like a...
I didn't realize there were
so many charming houses
in my price range...
Petra, are you okay?
Yeah, good.
Tired. (chuckles)
Good luck with the, uh,
charming houses.
Thanks.
Hmm.
Okay, so clearly "charming"
is code for "small and old."
Mm-hmm.
_
Take your time. Look around.
A house has to speak to you.
Come on.
Pretty depressing. We can't live here.
Well, a coat of paint,
some plants.
It's got nothing on our list.
_
_
_
_
_
Yeah, that list is not happening.
Not on your budget.
Yeah, got to be honest.
I'm falling apart here, Jane.
I've got asbestos in my bones,
creaks in my floorboards,
and a dirty-ash chimney.
You know what, yeah, this
isn't really speaking to us.
Okay, let me show you something
that might be interesting.
Oh! Two bedroom, two bath,
actually within your price range.
Oh. What's the catch?
It's in West Miramar,
about, uh, 30 minutes away.
I don't know.
Our lives are here.
Well, people commute.
You know, let's just go look at it.
It's a real house with a yard.
PHARAOH STATUE: Go, Jane, go!
Get out of here while you still can.
(coughing)
- _
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It should be noted
that with every fiber of her being,
Jane really wanted to hate this house.
And it should be noted, with
every fiber of her body,
she did not.
_
_
_
_
The drive didn't even feel that far.
- It really didn't, right?
- And with podcasts?
I actually like driving.
I think it's relaxing.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
(speaks indistinctly)
Whoa, slow down.
Look, let's not beat around the bush.
I'm kind of perfect, right?
My dishwasher, the swooshy yard.
And did you meet the
Diaz-Goldbergs next door?
They've got a daughter on the honor roll
who babysits.
But can you really move
Mateo 39 minutes away?
I mean,
I hate to be all doomsday prophecy,
but your baby daddy's
never gonna go for it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And as
much as Jane hated to admit it,
she knew the snarky
wallpaper made a good point.
JANE: And West Miramar's
only 30 minutes away.
- It's 45 minutes away.
- 39.
With no traffic.
That's over an hour
for every pickup and drop-off.
And what if something big happens?
Like he takes his first step?
It's not like I can just pop over.
I know.
And trust me,
I wish it was closer.
But it has a yard
for Mateo, you know?
And-and we can't afford
that kind of house in Miami.
Yeah, but I can.
Find a house like it,
near here,
and I'll pay the difference.
Before you say no, just...
will you think about it?
Like, really think about it?
We can't take your money.
Why not?
Everything's about compromise.
And it's what's best for Mateo.
He'd grow up in a nice
place near his dad...
Look, just talk about it with Michael
and-and at least consider it.
Yeah, okay.
We'll consider it.
Okay, good-bye, Mr. Sweetface.
(kisses) Mommy loves you, yes.
I'll see you tomorrow.
So Petra's back full-time?
Yeah.
And is she okay?
Because I saw her last
night, and she seemed off.
She's definitely overwhelmed.
- Yeah.
- It kind of seems like
she's afraid of them.
Maybe I'll check on her.
Just mom...
to mom,
I wanted to see how you were doing.
Because Rafael and I
are a little concerned.
And yes, we talked about it
and I know you don't like to be handled.
I... don't really know
what I'm doing...
with them.
That is totally normal.
It is!
Have you ever been to one of
those new moms groups?
- Oh, please.
- Seriously.
I-I went when I was feeling
overwhelmed, and it helped.
Because then you see
that everyone's going
through the same thing.
Well, even if I wanted to,
I can't go out with two
babies; it's such an ordeal.
Petra...
- Fine. Will you take me?
- Yes.
- MICHAEL: Whoa.
- Hi.
What are all those doing here?
Trying to make the
place homier for Mateo.
Aw.
You know, I never thought I'd say this,
but I'm actually getting
kind of sick of shrimp cocktail.
_
Okay, so, I just got off
the phone with the Realtor.
Turns out there are other people
making a play for the house.
So they want us to write
some kind of a letter
explaining why we are
the perfect tenants.
Yeah, about that...
Rafael already said no?
He just thinks it's too far.
Oh...
- He did offer...
- What?
- I already said no.
- To what?
Well, to pay the difference
for a comparable place here.
- No. We are not accepting his money.
- Calm down.
I said no. I knew you'd never go for it.
- Would you?
- No. (scoffs)
I think.
I don't know. Maybe.
I mean, it would be better
for Mateo to be close to his father.
I'm sorry, I just don't
feel comfortable with that.
I know. I get it.
I mean, there's always
strings attached with money.
Like, look at your dad and the wedding.
He thinks because he's paying for it
he can invite whoever he wants.
- What? Did he call you?
- (doorbell rings)
Ma, your room service!
Texted. Three times.
He's desperate for some wiggle room
with his guest list, and by that I mean
he wants to invite the actual Wiggles.
- Oh...
- Apparently, they're very dear friends.
He also wants to know if Charo performs,
does that count as entertainment
or as one of his guests?
- Charo is performing?
- No.
I can't believe he went
to you after I said no.
You just need to tell
him to back the hell off.
I would, but he needs
his space from me, so...
JANE: Okay.
New rule: if we haven't met them,
they can't come. Period.
Oh... !
They gave me extra chipotle mayo.
What?
I love it here.
_
_
What if we made a schedule
and presented it to Rafael?
I'll be driving into Miami
every weekday for work...
And I'll be coming into Miami
three days a week for school
and twice for shifts at the Marbella.
You know? So between
me, Michael and my mom,
you'll barely have to
spend any time in the car.
Before you say no,
will you at least consider it?
Like you guys considered the money?
Come on.
We did.
You can understand us not taking it.
Look, I know it's not ideal,
but I-it's only a year lease.
If it doesn't work, we won't renew.
You're the one who said we
all have to make compromises,
and a year is not that long.
_
_
(laughs)
_
Mmm.
_
No.
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
Abuela?
_
_
(giggles)
Abuela, that's...
Hilarious.
You're joking, right?
_
Abuela, what Mom is trying to say
is that you guys have only
known each other for a week.
_
So date. Yeah?
What's the rush?
_
_
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It
should be noted that years
of reading each other's body language
allowed Jane to correctly
interpret this as,
"It still seems pretty crazy to me."
And Xo correctly translated this as,
"I know, but what can
we do? She's happy."
Abuela, if that's what you
want, we are happy for you.
- Ay...
- Yeah.
Ah...
I can't believe you're
both getting married!
I really gotta step up my game!
- Ah!
- (laughter)
Which brings us here, now.
Any silly games?
Nope. No games.
Cheesy songs?
Maybe one cheesy song.
But it's not about rainbows
and friendship and gross stuff.
And you do not have to sing.
♪ And my name is Petra ♪
MOMS: ♪ Hi, Petra, hi, Petra ♪
♪ I'm mommy to Elsa and Anna ♪
Oh, like in Frozen?
No, not like that at all.
♪ Hi, Elsa, hi, Anna ♪
♪ And my name is Ja-ane ♪
MOMS: ♪ Hi, Jane, hi, Jane ♪
♪ I'm mommy to Mateo ♪
♪ Who's not here but I am ♪
♪ Because my... ♪
Oh, um, sorry.
Because, uh, when he was a newborn,
this group was really helpful.
Uh... just in terms of not making me
feel so alone and overwhelmed.
And my... (clears throat)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: What
is the right word here?
Friend...
Slash son's sisters' baby mama...
Petra is going through it,
times two.
WOMAN: You're in the right place.
We're all feeling alone
and overwhelmed here.
WOMAN 2: This is my second kid.
I thought I was prepared.
No.
That newborn bubble, it is intense.
- And the hormones.
- (baby fussing)
There are days when I
wonder why I did it.
Are there any days you don't wonder?
(laughter)
(knocking at door)
Oh, hi.
Good morning.
Is, uh, Jane here?
I wanted her to join
my dear friend and I
for breakfast downstairs.
Hi.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Cuchi, cuchi!
Is that who I think it is?
_
_
_
_
_
Uh...
Jane isn't here.
She went to a new
mommy class with Petra.
Oh, dear.
Rogelio, we can meet her at class.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're... we can discuss.
Thank you, Xiomara.
Actually,
do you have a minute to chat?
- Alone?
- Mmm...
I keep no secrets from Charo.
Okay...
I know you and Jane haven't
exactly been seeing eye to eye
with all this wedding stuff...
Lauren says
that spirited disagreement
is part of the fun of
planning a wedding.
Who is Lauren?
L.C.
Okay.
Look, I just want you to know
that I'm here, in case
you need help navigating.
Stop, Xiomara. I think
I made it very clear.
I need space from you.
But... but this is about
Jane and the wedding.
And we're still a family,
first and foremost.
Yes, we are.
But my heart is also still broken.
And repeating that over
and over is getting a little...
embarrassing.
Come, Charo.
PETRA: And I feel...
at a loss, I guess.
I mean,
I-I, I look at them
and I know they're my daughters,
but I-I just...
can't connect with them.
I don't know, I just feel like
m-maybe they would be
better off with...
someone else taking care of them.
JANE: You know that's not true, right?
You're their mom.
Petra...
I'm fine.
(laughing): I'm fine.
I'm just overwhelmed, like
everybody else here is.
WOMAN: Petra, I'm gonna jump in here.
It definitely sounds like
you're veering into
postpartum territory.
- What? No. No.
- How's your sleep?
Fine.
I saw you walking the halls
in the middle of the night
What is this, some kind of intervention?
You told me to come here to
talk about how I was feeling.
And now I'm hearing you
and I'm a little concerned.
I'm fine.
Excuse me,
- I-I need to use the restroom.
- Oh.
I got her.
Wow.
♪ ♪
So...
you never came back.
The way everyone was judging me there?
We were concerned.
Look, early motherhood is hard
and I don't think that I would've
been able to get through
it without these...
great moments with Mateo.
And I just don't think
you're having great moments.
♪ ♪
Look, Pippa's mom had postpartum
with baby number one.
Here's the number to
the doctor that she saw.
And FYI,
I hear that the doctor is very
exclusive and very expensive.
Yeah, and I don't even
think they take insurance.
Just tell me that you'll think about it.
I'll think about it.
_
_
(sighs)
_
PETRA: What's wrong?
You-you look upset.
Everything okay with the hotel?
No, I...
You're with the twins.
Well, it's not like they
can fend for themselves.
Is this about our booking
shortfall this month?
RAFAEL: No. No, no.
I was just writing an e-mail to Jane.
Her and Michael found a
house they can afford,
but it's 40 minutes away, and I...
I just don't want Mateo that far.
- You freaking kidding me?
- Excuse me?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And
that's when it happened.
After everything Jane's done,
starting with having
Mateo in the first place
after your sister knocked her up,
and you can't tolerate a small commute
to let her live in her dream house?
Get over yourself, Rafael, and
find a way to make it work.
And so, just as Jesus rose
Lazarus from the dead,
Petra Solano went to the
mat for Jane Villanueva
on this day in the
Year of our Lord 2016.
_
_
DIRECTOR: And action!
_
_
_
_
_
_
- _
- _
_
And cut! Good.
It was so nice of you to
come here on your day off.
You needed to think of my character.
I want you to give a great performance.
I also wonder, after work,
you want to... run lines?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ooh, sounds
like "running lines" means having sex.
And then maybe we can have sex.
Oh, I guess it just meant run lines.
Uh, I'm sorry, Adriana.
I don't think it's
the right time for me.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Jane!
(Rogelio laughs)
- Thank you for coming, Jane.
- Oh, of course.
You were amazing, and I loved that w...
No need to shower me with praise.
Come, there are some
people I want you to meet.
It should be noted that Rogelio
failing to bask in her praise
was Jane's first clue that
something weird was going on.
Jane, I want you to meet all
my friends at video village.
Jane's second clue that
something weird was going on?
_
And, my dear, dear friend, Charo.
Aah!
Jane, you are so cute.
Oh, thank you so much, Charo.
You're spectacular.
- Charo.
- I know.
ROGELIO: And this is Lewis and Andres.
Have you guys seen Kathie Lee and Hoda?
Hi, everyone. If you could
just excuse me for one minute.
- Yeah, but...
- No.
Are you seriously trying to find
a loophole in our guest rule?
(scoffing): Of course not.
- Dad.
- Perhaps.
I just thought
that once you met them,
you will bend your
insane 15-person rule.
- It's not happening.
- Why? I'm the one paying for it.
Excuse me?
Uh, I just mean that it's not
about the money for me.
It's not about money for me either.
It's about who I want there.
Which is why Michael
and I will pay for it.
What?! Yeah, it's just
easier that way, Dad.
But... Jane...
Uh, so what do you want me to
do with all this extra cake?
Let the crew eat it or... ?
Put it in the freezer.
I'll take it home and
eat it on my cheat days.
_
JANE: It's too complicated
with Dad, you know?
Too many strings.
This way is better.
All I need to do is find a
new venue that's super cheap
and available in a month and a half.
_
Really?
_
Great. Have a double wedding.
Ma, stop.
Do you really want to get married
where the church ladies play bingo?
All that matters is that I'm
marrying the man that I love
surrounded by the people that I love.
I'll go look at the church
after Michael and I sign the lease.
Oh, I need to go.
Good luck.
Mwah.
Adios.
Mwah. Adios.
_
The house isn't too far, right?
_
_
_
_
_
MAN: Ready to make this official?
Two copies, read 'em over.
There you go, buddy.
It's all standard stuff, babe.
I'm yours for the taking.
- _
- (thunder rumbles)
WALLPAPER BIRD: Come on, that's
not real; you're just imagining it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Says
the talking wallpaper.
- Jane, look.
- (gasps)
♪ ♪
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
Mateo, you're cruising!
- This is, like, uh, a milestone, right?
- REALTOR: I'm filming.
What a sign, right? In the new house.
And it did feel like a sign to Jane,
but a very different one.
♪ ♪
What's wrong?
(sighs) Um...
We can't live here.
What? I'm sorry.
It's okay for me to be
away from my parents,
because I am an adult,
but Mateo isn't...
and he should be close to his father.
WALLPAPER BIRD: Uh, lady, what?
Need I remind you of
my built-in dishwasher
and the fact that there are
jets in the master bath?
I don't care about the
dishwasher and the jets
- in the bath, okay?
- I'm not gonna change my mind!
Whoa, whoa. Why are you
yelling at me? I get it.
- You do?
- Yes.
I do.
So we'll keep looking.
It doesn't matter where we live,
'cause wherever you are is home to me.
♪ ♪
WALLPAPER BIRD: Yeah, good
luck finding direct sunlight
and wood floors, you cheeseballs.
WOMAN (over phone): And do you
ever have thoughts of running away?
Yes.
Yes, I have.
It's okay. That's okay.
And does postpartum
depression run in your family?
Did your mother suffer from it?
I don't know.
We're not exactly... close.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
That's one way to put it.
Well, if you can, ask
her before you come in.
The more we know, the
better we can help you.
What do you mean you're taking
off? Where are you going?
New York for a little while.
I got some friends who'll let me crash.
Why not just stay here?
In Miami?
(chuckles softly)
There's nothing for me here.
Just a bunch of people judging
me because of who my mom is.
Same with me.
Stay.
I'll get you a job here.
Let's hope this story turns out to be
more Prodigal Son than Cain and Abel.
DEREK (over speaker):
Why would you do that?
RAFAEL: Like I said, we're family.
Oh, dear! Michael's spying on Rafael!
This could be bad.
It wasn't that bad.
There was a pigeon inside.
There's exactly one
half-functioning toilet
for the entire rec room.
Okay, some nice lighting,
music, scented candles...
There are no windows.
Hotel living has really spoiled you.
Maybe.
But why would you want to
have your wedding there
when you could have it
somewhere much nicer?
I tried, but Dad won't
listen to what I want.
Yeah, okay. What's so
bad about what he wants?
I just want to keep the wedding small.
It's a religious sacrament.
Agreed. Keep the cereceny small.
You think Charo wants to sit in church?
But why not have a big party after?
What's the big deal?
You used to dream of a big wedding?
I don't know, it's just...
- not where I'm at now.
- Well,
it's not really all about you, is it?
My wedding? It kind of is.
Nah. It's also about your family.
We get to show you off.
Plus, your dad didn't get
to throw you a communion
party or your quinceañera.
And he's proud of you.
Ugh, you might be right.
I'll think about it.
Oh. Wrong floor.
Must have pushed it by mistake.
And that's when she saw him.
Now, was it Pablo's coat of many colors
that caught her eye?
Who knows? In any case,
Jane turned around to look.
And unlike Lot's wife, she didn't
turn into a pillar of salt.
But if she could have turned
Pablo into one, believe me,
Jane would have, or maybe
she'd smite him instead.
Yes, smiting! Let's go with that.
_
I'm so sorry, Abuela.
(sighs)
_
Hey.
You can't blame yourself
because he turned out to be a jerk.
You got swept up in the romance.
_
_
- What?!
- Uh...
_
Oh, my God. Welcome to my world.
(laughing)
You know what? This was good.
So he wasn't the guy.
Mm. You should be dating.
Ooh, I agree.
_
Mm-hmm.
So... what are you gonna do about Pablo?
_
_
- _
- (thunder crashing)
- _
- (thunderbolts zapping)
_
_
_
_
_
_
(grunts)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And
thusly was he cast out.
♪ ♪
Look. A rainbow.
Oh.
MAGDA: What do I care about a rainbow?
My own daughter put me in jail.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, yes. Here's Magda,
back in her old, familiar
stomping grounds.
_
Because you killed a man, Mother.
In self-defense.
Well, with one crucial difference.
_
Look, I didn't come
here to fight with you.
I came because...
I had the twins.
You're a grandmother.
Whoop-de-do.
(inhales slowly)
(exhales)
And... to be honest,
I've been... struggling.
A little.
And the doctor asked
for my family history,
so I-I was wondering
if, um, well, after you had me,
did you ever feel...
depressed?
Depressed?
I had baby girl.
In Czechoslovakia.
In 1985.
Of course I was depressed.
You were depressed.
The neighbor who delivered you
was depressed.
We were all depressed.
Plus, I was not built to be mother.
And neither are you.
You want my honest opinion?
The best thing you
could do for those girls
is to give them away.
♪ ♪
Dad?
(sighs)
I think I was being too stubborn.
What?
I was talking to Mom,
and she basically...
told me to get over
myself. And she's right.
I get why you want to bring
75 of your closest friends.
So, for the ceremony,
we can keep it small,
but for the party... what
the hell, let's go bigger.
Really? Do you still have the binder?
It's...
somewhere. Here it is.
Okay. (clears throat) You pick.
Um... What do you
think about Versailles?
What? No, I don't want
a destination wedding.
Oh, no. We'd rebuilt it.
I mean, not to scale, but...
Think a little more low-key.
The Miami Zoo?
L.C. did rustic chic,
which could be fun with big farm tables.
Yeah, okay, maybe.
We could rent out a farm.
Farms are fun.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And suddenly,
Rogelio realized one
person who could help him.
And it wasn't Lauren Conrad.
Oh, hi.
I-I was just waiting for my mom.
I didn't know you'd be here.
I was actually looking for
you. You spoke with Jane?
Oh, well, yeah, uh... she
was just being stubborn.
Yeah. I think she gets it from me.
I don't know, I think
part of me felt that if I stayed away,
you'd miss me enough.
It's just hard for me to
accept it's over, but it is.
And I have to move on.
Because we're family,
first and foremost, right?
Yes. Always.
I need your help.
I want Jane to love her wedding
and I have the perfect place to have it.
Really? I brought some
frozen cake from work.
Let's have a piece and
I'll tell you my idea.
Yeah, I heard everything.
The bug's working great.
RAFAEL: Good.
Well, then you know he took
the job. He's staying in town.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, wow.
- MICHAEL: Yup.
As soon as you set him up
with an office, we'll wire it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I
guess Rafael doesn't quite
trust his brother after all.
Perfect.
You're not having second
thoughts, are you?
No.
Look, I need to know what
he knew about our mother.
Yeah.
Hey, um... thanks for, you know,
agreeing to let us move to
that house in West Miramar.
You know, even though... we're not.
No problem. Thanks for...
you know, not moving there.
Anyway, um, I'm sure
you'll find a place soon.
You guys just started looking.
Yeah.
(gasps) Is that Michael?
Oh, you got to see this.
What? The Realtor just sent it over.
Two bedroom, two bath, two-car garage,
less than a mile from
here, in our price range.
Whoa. What's the catch?
Well, I asked the
Realtor, he said no catch.
Oh. It has to be Rafael subsidizing it.
I was talking to him on
the phone and he says
he was sure we'd find something.
What if it is?
- Is it?
- I don't know. I mean,
I wouldn't rule it out.
But... so what?
I mean, honestly,
it's good for Mateo.
Yeah, it's good for you, baby!
You know? A close house, near his dad.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: good
And that's when he realized...
You're right.
What?
I mean, everyone's tried
to compromise but me,
it's half a block away from a park.
Really?
Let's go see it.
Oh.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And
it should be noted they did.
And this time they wanted to love it.
- This is a great street.
- Yeah.
- You see the lemon tree?
- I did.
Well, get ready...
Because I'm purrfect.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And so
they opened the door, to find...
(indistinct conversations)
Where have you been? I told
you to hustle right over here.
We stopped for lunch.
Who are all these people?
You didn't think there'd be competition
for a house like this?
We thought that my son's
father had bought it
under an assumed name
because we wouldn't
- take a direct handout from him.
- I'm sorry, what?
- We were wrong, so...
- Whatever. Look,
there are seven people
on the list already.
Everyone's putting in an application,
so you'll have to write that letter
selling yourselves to the owners.
What makes you guys the perfect tenants?
LION: So, what are you
standing there for, Jane?
Go home and win this house
with your magical prose.
Got it. I'm all over it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And so it was
on the tenth day after the flood
in the year 2016, Jane
composed the letter.
So, what do you think?
You are a beautiful writer.
Oh. But...
I think the owner's more
interested in knowing if we're
gonna, you know, play loud
music and pay our rent on time
than they are in your
childhood memories.
Oh, my God, I totally disagree.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And thus, they debated
and rewrote
and reviseth until they were happy.
And then they rested. And it was good.
- Oh.
- (giggles)
- _
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Even gooder...
- or, rather, better...
ROGELIO: Okay, ready?
JANE: Ready.
One, two, and...
here's where you're getting married.
I don't understand.
How did you do this so fast?
I wanted you to have your dream wedding,
so I had my crew work round the clock.
And, as you can see, the reception
will spill out onto the soundstage.
You are totally crazy.
And it's totally perfect.
Thank you.
But I can't take all the
credit. It was a team effort.
(phone rings)
Oh, shh, shh! Guys,
- it's the Realtor, the Realtor.
- Oh!
Hello?
Hi. Yes.
Uh...
(whispers): No.
We got it?
Oh!
Yes, great, thank you.
Thank you.
They loved us. They love our letter.
(laughs)
What did you write?
Just about our family.
And ours is big and messy
and unconventional and also
the most important thing to us.
(phone rings)
Do they have any idea I'm the owner?
Between the other couples
and the letter... no. They have no idea.
Good.
- (guitar playing gently)
- It's a good letter.
So, you're really moving.
I'm really moving.
How am I gonna live without you two?
Oh, stop.
_
I'm just saying, it'll be different.
Yeah, it will be.
But...
it's good.
It's time.
_
It really is, huh?
You want to go look?
(guitar continues playing)
Hey, hey!
Jane, I am just
checking out the acoustics.
Rogelio asked me to play a song
for papa and daughter
dance at the wedding.
Sounds great. Thank you, Charo.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And it was so.
Oh. Oh, Michael pulled the car in front.
(sighs)
Okay.
- All right. Go with Abuela.
- (fussing)
- Oh, I know, I know.
- (Abuela speaks Spanish)
_
Yeah, I hope so.
No offense.
_
_
- Ma...
- Huh?
It's not a real house. There's no water.
Ah, Dios mi...
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And God said let there be light...
And there was light.
Unfortunately, less
than four miles away,
at the Marbella,
there was also darkness.
MAGDA: The best thing you
could do for those girls
is to give them away.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And remember,
that is what triggered the exodus.
_