Jane the Virgin (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 15 - Chapter Thirty-Seven - full transcript
Rafael and Petra are new parents but Petra is already back to work and appears to be not interested in motherhood. Xo has invited Alba's old flame Pablo to visit. This does not sit well ...
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Okay, let's do this, peeps.
After breakups and make-ups,
Jane the Virgin
finally got engaged to Michael.
Will you marry me? Marry me!
Yes! Yes!
And her baby daddy Rafael,
well, he said he'd try
to accept it, maybe because he
had other things on his mind.
See, his ex-wife Petra
just gave birth to twins.
Elsa and Anna.
Like in Frozen?
No one except for you
would think of that.
Oh, and he recently learned
his mother was a crime lord.
I know, cray-cray, right?
Even crazier,
he was working with Michael
to find his long-lost brother.
Derek Ruvelle, son of Rafael's
mother Elena Di Nola.
Our buddy Derek
disappeared the day after
Mutter's identity
was discovered.
I know, straight out
of a telenovela, right?
Well, imagine this--
Jane's father,
international telenovela star
Rogelio de la Vega
was kidnapped
by his biggest fan.
And even worse, he's in a fight
with his family.
I just think I need
some space right now.
So they aren't even
that worried!
Such bad luck, right?
And speaking of, Alba
had been corresponding
with her first lover,
the notorious
Pablo Alonso Segura.
And Xo invited him for a visit.
And I got to say I really hope
that's not true, don't you?
Breaking news--
our Jane Gloriana Villanueva
always had strong opinions.
I'm embarrassed
to be from Florida.
About politics.
Too revealing-- change!
Her mother's wardrobe.
Jane, no!
And her grandmother's
superstitions.
Stop, that's ridiculous.
Ay!
And I don't want to mistake
correlation for causation,
but here we are today.
Six weeks away from our Jane
marrying the man of her dreams.
I'm working on it.
I'm working on it.
I know what you're thinking.
That we've been here
before, right?
But this time was different.
This time there were
no reservations.
Did you make the reservations
for the chair rentals?
No, I'm finalizing
the head count.
Michael's brother's a no,
so that's 25.
No, 26-- both his parents
are driving down.
Seriously? Aren't they, like,
archenemies or something?
Well, they're not in a comic
book, but yes, basically.
They haven't been
in the same room
since Michael's
high school graduation.
He's freaking out.
Well, you never know.
I mean, engagements
bring people together.
Michael's parents,
Alba and Pablo.
Ah, yes, Pablo Alonso Segura.
The man,
the myth, the legend.
Abuela, you're gonna have to,
because he's traveling
from Venezuela.
You're being ridiculous.
Now, back to the list.
The only question mark
is... Dad.
He still hasn't
gotten back to you?
No.
I'm calling him again.
(phone autodials)
LOLA:
Hello?
Hey, Paola.
Just trying to get in touch
with my dad.
I'm sorry, Jane.
He just stepped into a meeting
with a very important
casting director.
He'll be tied up for a while.
(sighs)
Have him call me back.
Tell him that it's important.
You know what?
Tell him
I'm marrying Michael.
You got it. I'll
give him that message.
(beep)
If you don't call...
she'll know something's wrong.
No!
You can't call!
Stop arguing with me!
You'll say good-bye
to them tonight...
...when we livestream
our murder-suicide.
Okay, if he doesn't respond,
then there's something
definitely wrong.
Something is definitely wrong.
God, this is frustrating!
Thank you for taking Mateo.
I should go-- I don't want
to be late for my new advisor.
Stop. She's gonna love you.
I got to be frank-- last thing
I wanted is another advisee.
I hear you.
A-And I'm sorry
to be adding to your schedule.
Yeah, and apparently,
you wanted a new advisor
because of some complications
with your old one?
That's one way to put it.
Well, life is complicated.
B-But it's all material, right?
That's the cliché.
So, what do you write?
Well, uh, my genre is romance.
(quietly):
Barf.
Did she just say...
Ex-Excuse me, what was that?
I said "barf."
¶ ¶
So, you're not a fan of romance.
Good to know. (chuckles)
But I do hope
you keep an open mind.
My mind is always open.
Well, I was...
Careful, Jane,
you're running out
of English Department
faculty members.
Just as long as it passes
the Bechdel test, okay?
Got it. Yes.
You've heard of it?
No. No, I haven't.
It's a three-part question.
Does the work feature
two female characters...
with names...
who talk about something
other than a man?
Like, for instance,
you, Jane,
talking to me,
Professor Donaldson,
about the work--
that passes the test.
But you, Jane,
talking to me, Marlene,
about your former advisor,
Jonathan Chavez--
that doesn't pass the test.
Oh, yeah, well...
I mean, m-my work
certainly passes the test.
Translation:
Jane will certainly check
to make sure her work
passes the test.
(laughs):
Great! Because otherwise...
barf.
Just a little spit-up.
You're okay, Anna.
(Elsa crying)
Hey, Petra,
can you...?
Sure.
(electronic ding)
No, no, no, I meant
can you just pick her up?
Oh, no, it's fine.
I needed water.
Hi. Elsa's
crying again.
And, um, I needed water,
room temperature.
Again, that's not
what the button is for.
But anyway,
I have some good news.
Dr. Grove says you're
getting out today.
What?
I-I thought I, um,
I needed to stay longer
because of my platelet problem.
Things look better.
You're good to go.
The babies, too?
Yes. The babies, too.
Petra...
don't worry, we can do this.
JANE:
It's gonna be okay.
Michael, I promise.
(sighs): Oh, I don't know.
The last time my parents
were together,
it was a disaster.
There was fighting,
finger-pointing, tears--
mostly mine, but still...
(laughs)
Come on, they are not gonna
do that in front of me.
That's because
the only thing
they can agree on
is how much they love you.
Which is why you
can't leave the room.
I won't leave.
No, I'm serious.
Not even to go
to the bathroom.
Well, I might have
to go to the bathroom.
Remember that astronaut
that put the diaper on?
Stop it. (laughs)
Where's your commitment?
No, I'm serious.
Oh.
(doorbell rings)
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Hey.
Hi!
Oh, Jane. Hi.
I didn't realize
you'd be here.
Oh. W-Well, I wanted to see you.
Come on in.
Mike, we were
hoping for a...
private moment alone.
We have some
important family business
we want
to discuss.
Oh. Well, it's just Jane.
I'm just gonna tell her
whatever you say anyway.
MRS. CORDERO:
Fine.
We think you're
making a mistake.
Don't marry her.
Barf.
You... you don't want
Michael to marry me?
You were heartbroken, Mikey.
Don't you remember?
When we found out the two
of you were back together,
I called your father.
We got to talking.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
At least Jane's
still bringing them together.
We wanted to reach out, but
then the next thing we knew,
we were getting an evite
to an engagement party.
That's enough.
That's enough.
Michael... it's okay.
You guys should talk.
Um... I'll see you later.
(clears throat
softly)
I am so sorry.
You should not be leaving.
They should be leaving.
I'll kick them out.
No, no, no, don't do that.
Go back inside-- you know,
the longer you're out here,
the worse it'll be,
because then they'll
think I'm upset.
You are upset.
No, no, I'm not.
Just go back inside
and talk to them.
Oh, yeah, and remind your mom
about the time
we got mani-pedis,
and a smoothie,
and we split an Orange Zinger,
and she said that I felt like
the daughter that she never had,
and make it seem like
I told you that at the time
because I was so touched,
and not today, okay?
Okay, go. Go.
PETRA:
Honestly, go.
We'll be fine.
I was planning
on staying over.
I've got it covered.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Well, Helga has it covered.
And Wilma.
Well, I guess
you could sit in here
with Helga and Wilma
all night.
(laughs)
See? They think
it's silly, too.
Heard you've
been looking for me.
The cops send you?
No.
But they do want
to talk to you.
I went to prep school
with a topflight attorney.
I'll let him know.
Good.
Okay, look, man, this isn't
about the cops, okay?
Up until a few months ago,
I didn't even know
I had a brother.
Did-did you know?
About me?
No.
Okay.
I mean, so, can... can
we at least just talk?
Maybe.
I'll be in touch.
I'm staying here, by the way.
Mind if I send you the bill...
brother?
(door closes)
You'll meet him in public.
Don't go off with him alone.
Okay, I got it.
(beeps twice)
Oh.
I... I should go.
It's, uh... Jane.
Yeah. Never not awkward.
Maybe once Mateo's in college.
Let me know when you see him.
(smacks lips)
Okay.
(beep)
(sighs)
Hi.
Jane, look, I'm so sorry.
I don't care
what my parents say.
No, no, no, it's not that.
Well, I mean,
it's definitely that,
too, but...
I'm worried about my dad.
I left him a message
this morning,
and I told him
that we were engaged,
and he hasn't
called me back all day.
And we want
to go check in on him,
but he told us
to give him his space.
Okay, I'll-I'll
swing by the condo
and see what's
going on with him.
Thank you. I love you.
He's gonna go check on him.
Good. I feel better.
Hey, can you move
those papers?
Pablo will be here any minute.
Yeah, sure. Sorry.
I was just making sure
that my chapters passed
the Bechdel test.
Yeah, she sounds
like a hard-ass.
Have you had any movement
with Michael's parents?
No, and I'm
so frustrated,
because I love him so much.
(buzzer sounds)
But I don't know
how to prove that to them.
(groans)
Look who it is.
Finally.
Okay, good.
Bechdel test, take two.
Why aren't you dressed? Pablo's
gonna be here any minute.
(buzzer sounds)
Geez, this thing is tough.
Ma, stop being
ridiculous.
(both chuckle)
Fine. What's
the undeniable proof?
Afterwards, we will
consider sending him away.
(sighs)
JANE:
Abuela, there are,
like, 100 different
environmental factors that
go into an early frost.
(doorbell rings)
(gasps)
He's here!
Come on, Abuela.
No, no, no, no, no. Dame.
Please
come in.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Okay, this could
totally be explained
by a fuse blowing
or a power outage.
(gasps)
Or is it...
the Curse
of Pablo Alonso Segura?
It's just our house. The other
houses on the street have power.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Not entirely true.
Good question.
Let me go check on her.
Stop.
It's not a curse.
You're being silly.
Yes. And you're being rude.
Now, that nice man travelled
a long way to see you
and, yes, maybe
we shouldn't have invited him,
but I read those chats,
and you certainly wrote
pretty vividly
about wanting to see him.
So I'm gonna need you to come
out of this room right now.
And I would change
because he's fine.
Just one more minute.
It'll be quick,
painless,
and when our death goes viral,
we'll be famous.
And they'll make a movie
about us,
maybe.
At this point, Rogelio's life
actually did start
to flash before him.
¶ ¶
His first smile.
¶ ¶
Wait, what?
Oh, yeah.
This part is really happening.
And now's a good time to remind
you that Jane's fiancé
is a detective.
And remember,
he was sent by Jane
to see if Rogelio was okay.
Huh. Since when
does Rogelio not rush out
to open his monthly
Cosmetic Crate delivery?
And here
is where we left off.
Lola, could we do this outside?
The dramatic skyline, the
sound of the ocean behind us--
it'll add more
production value.
Please, please,
don't-don't let me die
against a flat background lit
by unflattering light.
Okay. We'll go outside...
Drop the weapon.
Oh!
Drop it.
Drop it.
No!
(grunting)
No.
Let me go!
Calm down.
Rogelio!
It's over.
No!
Rogelio!
(shouting
indistinctly)
(exhales)
(inhales deeply)
¶ ¶
Jane!
(gasps)
It's fine!
Just the wind! Finish
what you were saying.
(phone rings)
Michael...
Dad was kidnapped.
Is there a particular concealer
you'd recommend
for an injury of this kind?
Uh,
concealer, like...
Makeup. To cover up wounds.
Surely I'm not the first
to ask this.
Dad!
Oh, my God. Are you okay? Oh.
Yes, I'm okay, I'm okay.
Oh.
(exhales)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And then they remembered
they were broken up.
And this guy.
My hero.
My best friend.
And now my daughter's fiancé.
I'm so happy for you two!
WOMAN:
Oh... my...
God!
Soledad, what are
you doing here?
I heard what happened.
The news outlet
has it now.
It's a huge story
everywhere.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
I'm getting calls
from big people.
How about...
Not yet.
Might we...
I'm putting out
feelers.
JANE:
Who are they
talking about?
José Díaz-Balart
from Telemundo.
It's your dad's dream
to be interviewed by him.
Just don't tell the story to any
other news outlets, all right?
Because JDB would need
an exclusive.
My lips
are sealed.
But you can
talk to family.
Are you okay?
What happened?
I'm fine.
I just want to put it behind me.
Oh, my God.
1.3 million more
Twitter followers.
I know.
I know. Oh,
I can't even.
I can't even.
I really can't even.
I can't even even can't even.
I seriously can't even.
Is she in there?
Thank you.
Good morning.
What are you doing here?
The band canceled
for the live music series.
Weren't you copied
on the e-mails?
I've called the agencies.
Now I have about...
15 artists to listen to.
I can take care
of that.
You just had twins.
You heard what Dr. Grove said.
I'm been cleared
to resume regular activities,
hence... (chuckles)
Not every mother
has to stay home.
I actually feel happy here.
But, hey, if you want
to go upstairs, by all means.
JANE:
Well, excuse me.
Who is the most handsome boy
in the whole world?
Is it you, Mr. Sweetface?
(chewing sounds)
Huh? Yes?
Maybe you should come with me
to dinner
with Michael's parents later.
Right?
'Cause nobody can resist you.
(phone chimes)
Oh. Oh, what is this?
An e-mail
from Professor Donaldson.
Should we open it, Mateo?
Should we?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
That's it?
Yes. That was the whole e-mail.
And now I have to
go meet with her.
Which, heads up, I'm dreading.
XIOMARA:
Relax, hon.
She's obviously just
a really cold person.
Keep up the good,
brave work.
Thanks. Thanks so much.
Come on in.
So, I got your heads-up.
Yeah,
I never like
you kids to be blindsided.
Everyone's so, you know,
"sensitive" these days.
But, yeah, not into it.
So how can I address
your concerns?
Because I do think, overall,
the work passed
the Bechdel test.
Well, yeah, big whoop.
That's pretty baseline, right?
Let me ask you
a question.
What kind of a book
are you writing?
Is it, you know, like,
a book for bored housewives?
Or is it... about something?
It should be noted
that Jane found this
more than slightly offensive.
Both, I'm hoping.
Well, then you better get back
to work.
'Cause it's, you know, not now.
Maybe put it
in context.
Give it a "frame."
DIRECTOR:
Move the frame to the left.
Good.
Now we go to soft focus
and reveal it's a dream.
Cut!
Rogelio.
Are you okay?
Mm-hmm?
You're not kissing with
your usual passion.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR (coughs):
Tongue.
Yes. I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Jane. Hi.
What a surprise.
Oh. Hey, Dad.
I just came by
to check in,
see how you're doing.
Incredible.
I feel that I'm accessing this
whole new set of emotions
and their corresponding
facial expressions.
I'm more...
wounded now.
But sexy wounded.
Probably that's what
JDB responded to.
José Díaz-Balart?
Fine, you pried it out of me.
Yes, I will be sharing the
harrowing tale of my kidnapping
with him exclusively.
Oh, wow.
It means that I'll be late to
your engagement party, though.
Is that okay?
Don't even think about it.
But, Dad,
I haven't even
heard what happened.
D-Do you want to tell me, maybe?
I do.
Bu-But I also
want it to be fresh,
so I don't seem rehearsed,
you know?
Is that it? Because
we haven't even talked.
I-I'm sorry that I was late
to your premiere.
Oh, stop it. No, I'm fine.
I just want to move forward.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Which Jane understood,
after all.
Which brings us here, now.
So, I-I just wanted
to say thank you
for agreeing to come to dinner.
And honestly,
I understand
where you're coming from,
how it looks...
It looks like
you fell in love with someone
else and dumped our son.
Right.
And I know
it seems like that,
but just to explain myself
a little,
I was accidentally
artificially inseminated.
My whole life
was upside down.
And so you left the one person
who stood beside you.
You threw him out like a...
Dirty tissue.
Exactly.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
On the bright side,
these two
are really getting along.
How do we know
you won't do it again?
Guys, go easy.
It's okay.
It's fine.
You can ask me
anything you want.
And yes,
I left Michael.
And I regret it.
And I would
never do it again.
Were you dating them both
at the same time?
As soon as I realized
I had feelings
for Rafael, I told Michael.
Yeah, and then threw him aside,
no second thoughts.
Well, I-I didn't
want to lead him on.
How long did you wait
before getting together
with Rafael?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Whoa. This must be
where Michael gets his
interrogation skills.
Well, that isn't the point,
I told him...
How long, Jane?
That same night.
That same night?
And now you want my son
to help raise
this other guy's kid?
Enough.
This is not
some other guy's kid.
This is Mateo. And I love him,
and I love Jane. Way too much
to be putting up
with this disrespect.
Come on,
we're leaving.
Abuela, enough. (sighs)
What am I supposed to do?
Michael's parents don't like me.
Ma, come on, it's Jane.
What?
Nothing.
Just that...
you have a compulsive need
to be liked.
I do not.
Jane.
I don't.
I just want my freaking
in-laws to like me.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And her freakin' advisor.
MARLENE:
What's the context?
What's the frame?
RAFAEL:
So, was it any good?
Ugh. No idea.
Honestly, my brain is fried,
but there's a frame.
They are
beautiful, Raf.
Thank you.
Are you ready to have a playdate
with your sisters? (whooshes)
Oh. (chuckles)
I'll leave you to it.
I got to go grade papers.
Oh, um, can I ask you
a question, actually?
It's about Petra.
I'm worried she's not really
bonding with the babies.
What do you mean?
Well, she's not
holding them, really.
And she's working already,
and I can't bring it up
without her accusing me
of treating her
like a 1950s housewife.
Is that normal?
I don't know.
I mean, everybody's
experience is different, right?
I mean, I became a shut-in.
M-My mom had to basically
force me out of the house.
Yeah, well, the mom thing
isn't really an option.
So, um...
maybe you'll
have to give her the push?
It'll happen.
And when they bond-- I mean,
that mother-child
thing is intense.
Isn't it? Isn't it, Mateo?
(phone dings)
Say "Bye, Mommy."
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yup. It sure is.
Slight change of plans:
I'm on my way to Fort Myers.
What?
Michael's parents left.
They said that
they weren't coming
to the engagement party,
so I'm going there.
Jane.
What?
It's only 112 more miles.
This is crazy.
So they don't like you.
It's not about them liking me!
Okay, well, it kind of is,
but it's about Michael, too.
I mean, he wants
his family there.
And plus, you know, I-I get
why they're protective.
I get the parent-child bond.
So I just want to appeal
to Mrs. Cordero as a mother.
MRS. CORDERO:
Jane, really,
this isn't a good time.
No, no, no, please,
l-let me just say one thing.
Please.
I am so sorry. And you know
what, I know how you feel.
If anyone broke Mateo's heart,
oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Right now...
I just-I just want one more
chance to prove to you
how much I love your son.
And I do. That's why I'm here.
Because if you don't
come, you'll hurt him.
And I know you don't want
that. No mother wants that.
I'll think about it.
And if you'll excuse me...
I really should
get back to my book club.
Your...
Sorry about that.
I-If it makes any difference,
I loved that book, too.
Okay.
(knocking)
Hey.
Hi. (giggles)
I heard you paid a little
visit to my mom's book club.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know they were
all gonna be sitting there.
No, don't apologize.
It worked.
My parents are coming
to the party.
Apparently
the, uh, book club ladies
were really feeling you.
Yeah, well, I mean,
those are my people.
Thank you for doing that.
Of course. Family matters.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, yes, Family Matters.
It wasn't just a terrific
Friday night TV staple.
It was also a mantra Rafael
was leaning on in this moment.
So...
tell me about yourself.
I'm not talkative.
Anything else?
Nope.
How's the food?
Mm.
Okay, man, come on,
I'm just trying
to get to know you.
Then ask the question
you really want to know.
Did you know our mother
was a crime lord?
No. Did you?
No. But I'm not the one
who disappeared
after she was exposed.
And I didn't have tunnels
under my hotel
where people did
illegal surgeries.
Where were you?
You really want to know?
I do.
Fine.
Let's go.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Wait. No. What did Michael say?
Don't follow him anywhere.
And yet, there he goes.
Right this way.
So, you can prepare here.
Sorry there's not more room.
Are you kidding? It's like
four cubano trucks in here.
(gasps) Ooh,
sexy, Ma.
And you sure it's not
for your date after?
Hmm?
You're gonna lose
that sweater, right? And show
Pablo that hot little bod?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
It's safe to say this
conversation fails
the Bechdel test miserably.
(phone buzzes)
Hello?
What?
Oh, no.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Be there? Where are you going?
The party's gonna start.
And I'll be back as soon as
I can, but that was Dad's agent.
What-what are you doing here?
I heard you were
having a hard time.
What's going on?
I just...
I don't think
I can do this interview.
And you don't have to
if you don't want to.
No, but I do want to,
that's the point.
It's one of my #LifeGoals.
I always wanted
to open my heart and soul
to José Díaz-Balart.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Who doesn't?
But I don't know.
It's just,
every time I think about
saying it out loud...
I get choked up.
And not like a single tear
glistening down my cheek thing,
but like...
Oh, Dad, of course
you're going to cry.
It's a really traumatic thing
that happened.
I don't want people
to see me as a victim.
I want to seem like a powerful,
extraordinary actor.
You can be both.
But what if people
make fun of me--
memes, GIFs?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Or is it JIFs?
Well, not everybody's
gonna like you.
Which is a lesson
I've been learning.
Well, that's not
too helpful to me,
because I'm trying to build
a social media dynasty.
Well, personally, I don't think
anybody's gonna make fun of you
if you're honest and vulnerable,
and that's all you can do.
What if I can't
get through it?
You want to practice with me?
No. You have to go
to your engagement party.
This is more important.
Now what happened?
(sniffles)
I thought
I was going to die, Jane.
Oh, Dad.
Oh.
Yes. Say good-bye.
Good night.
She's still with her dad.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Let's move on, shall we?
I could use a breather
from all this tension.
So much for taking a breather.
Don't bother. No service.
Come on.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You really
shouldn't go, Rafael.
You heard what Michael said.
Not alone!
You coming?
And with Michael's words
ringing in his ears,
Rafael refused
to get on the boat!
Let's go.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ugh. Well, it was worth a try.
Tonight, we're here with
international telenovela star
Rogelio de la Vega, and the
story you're about to hear,
well, it's straight out
of a telenovela, honestly.
I know. It-it really is.
But then again, you know,
sometimes truth is
stranger than fiction.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I'll say.
DEREK: Be up in a second.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
You'll recall,
we left Rafael on a boat
alone with his brother.
No problem.
(creaking, thud)
Did you think it was a gun?
No.
So...
where were you?
Right here
on this boat.
In the middle of the ocean.
I heard about my mom...
our mom.
They were seizing assets.
I freaked out.
I didn't know what to do.
They were taking everything.
Okay. And?
And I sat out here, man.
Thought about things.
My dad, for instance.
Ran half marathons
twice a year,
died of a heart attack
out of the blue.
Did she kill him?
Things like that.
Thought about taking the plunge
myself, briefly.
'Cause I suddenly
had no family.
But then I punked out
and headed back
to good old Miami.
But you do, though.
Have family.
So, you gonna pour that Scotch,
or what?
Yeah.
JANE:
Hi.
Hi! Hi! Oh, I love you.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you. Thank
you. Thank you.
Michael, hi.
Hi.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Oh.
Me, too.
(laughs)
I'll go inside. I'll give you
guys some privacy. I'll just...
How are your parents?
My mom is not as mad
as when she found out
my dad slept
with his dental hygienist.
But it's a point
of reference?
It's definitely
a point of reference.
Oh. Okay.
I'm going in.
Okay.
Michael, Patricia, hi.
I am so sorry
I missed the party.
My dad had
an emergency.
We heard.
The point is,
you missed it.
After you made
a real big deal
about how important
it was to Michael.
MICHAEL SR.:
And once again,
someone else comes in first.
I told you both not
to say anything.
Michael, it's fine. It's fine.
I know, but my dad really
needed me tonight.
Okay. Forget it.
I'm sorry you don't like me,
but you know what?
Your son understands
why I wasn't here,
so I'm cool.
And I really hope that
you'll learn to live with me,
because I'm not going anywhere.
If we do attend
the wedding,
it'll be for his
sake, not yours.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
It should be noted
that the people-pleasing side
of Jane wanted to attempt
one last ditch charm offensive,
but instead, she said...
Noted.
You know,
I'm turning over a new leaf.
Who cares if
people like me?
Cheers to that!
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
That's what I'm talking
about. 100% over it.
My new motto--
take me or leave me.
(phone chimes)
Mm.
(gasps)
Oh, my God, oh,
my God, my advisor.
She just e-mailed
me, "Heads up."
"I liked your material."
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
She liked my material!
Yeah. Get it. Work, work.
But you don't care?
Mom, baby steps.
(phone chimes, Jane gasps)
Oh.
What?
Oh, yeah, well,
you know what?
I'll take it. Yeah. Uh.
(phone buzzing)
Oh, be right back.
It's Rafael.
He was meeting
his brother. Sorry.
Look, I think
Derek's telling the truth.
I don't think he knew.
Wait. What are you
talking about?
You can't know that already.
Well, I do.
What?! Stop.
You are being played.
And you are entitled
to your own opinion,
but this... this is my family.
So investigate
all you want, man.
I'm done.
Thanks, man.
Well, I meant it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Hmm.
I don't know if I like this.
I got to run.
This, on the other hand,
I'm all for.
Hi.
Hi.
Where are Wilma and Helga?
I let them go,
just for a night.
I thought it would be good
to have a bonding night.
Just us.
As a family.
And you don't have
to change a single diaper.
Come here.
Come here.
Here, hold Elsa.
You want to go
to your mommy.
Come here.
That.
How can you even tell
which is which?
Had Helga put an
"X" on her foot.
(baby cooing)
I've been having
a little trouble.
I'm not sure this is for me.
It is.
I just think
part of the problem is
that you've been avoiding them.
(baby crying)
Uh-oh. Someone's got
to get a diaper changed.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Well, there's really no way
to sugarcoat it.
Ah.
Ah.
Oh.
(violin plays)
Ah.
(tango music plays)
Michael left?
Yeah, he has
an early morning.
Where's Abuela?
Still out with Pablo.
Ooh! Nice.
(creaking)
Hey, did you hear that?
(tango music playing)
(creaking)
Wait. I hear it now.
Is that what they mean
when they say
that a house is settling
or whatever?
¶ ¶
Maybe it's the air conditioning?
(rattling)
¶ ¶
Oh!
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, dear.
Maybe there is something to
this curse business after all.
Okay, let's do this, peeps.
After breakups and make-ups,
Jane the Virgin
finally got engaged to Michael.
Will you marry me? Marry me!
Yes! Yes!
And her baby daddy Rafael,
well, he said he'd try
to accept it, maybe because he
had other things on his mind.
See, his ex-wife Petra
just gave birth to twins.
Elsa and Anna.
Like in Frozen?
No one except for you
would think of that.
Oh, and he recently learned
his mother was a crime lord.
I know, cray-cray, right?
Even crazier,
he was working with Michael
to find his long-lost brother.
Derek Ruvelle, son of Rafael's
mother Elena Di Nola.
Our buddy Derek
disappeared the day after
Mutter's identity
was discovered.
I know, straight out
of a telenovela, right?
Well, imagine this--
Jane's father,
international telenovela star
Rogelio de la Vega
was kidnapped
by his biggest fan.
And even worse, he's in a fight
with his family.
I just think I need
some space right now.
So they aren't even
that worried!
Such bad luck, right?
And speaking of, Alba
had been corresponding
with her first lover,
the notorious
Pablo Alonso Segura.
And Xo invited him for a visit.
And I got to say I really hope
that's not true, don't you?
Breaking news--
our Jane Gloriana Villanueva
always had strong opinions.
I'm embarrassed
to be from Florida.
About politics.
Too revealing-- change!
Her mother's wardrobe.
Jane, no!
And her grandmother's
superstitions.
Stop, that's ridiculous.
Ay!
And I don't want to mistake
correlation for causation,
but here we are today.
Six weeks away from our Jane
marrying the man of her dreams.
I'm working on it.
I'm working on it.
I know what you're thinking.
That we've been here
before, right?
But this time was different.
This time there were
no reservations.
Did you make the reservations
for the chair rentals?
No, I'm finalizing
the head count.
Michael's brother's a no,
so that's 25.
No, 26-- both his parents
are driving down.
Seriously? Aren't they, like,
archenemies or something?
Well, they're not in a comic
book, but yes, basically.
They haven't been
in the same room
since Michael's
high school graduation.
He's freaking out.
Well, you never know.
I mean, engagements
bring people together.
Michael's parents,
Alba and Pablo.
Ah, yes, Pablo Alonso Segura.
The man,
the myth, the legend.
Abuela, you're gonna have to,
because he's traveling
from Venezuela.
You're being ridiculous.
Now, back to the list.
The only question mark
is... Dad.
He still hasn't
gotten back to you?
No.
I'm calling him again.
(phone autodials)
LOLA:
Hello?
Hey, Paola.
Just trying to get in touch
with my dad.
I'm sorry, Jane.
He just stepped into a meeting
with a very important
casting director.
He'll be tied up for a while.
(sighs)
Have him call me back.
Tell him that it's important.
You know what?
Tell him
I'm marrying Michael.
You got it. I'll
give him that message.
(beep)
If you don't call...
she'll know something's wrong.
No!
You can't call!
Stop arguing with me!
You'll say good-bye
to them tonight...
...when we livestream
our murder-suicide.
Okay, if he doesn't respond,
then there's something
definitely wrong.
Something is definitely wrong.
God, this is frustrating!
Thank you for taking Mateo.
I should go-- I don't want
to be late for my new advisor.
Stop. She's gonna love you.
I got to be frank-- last thing
I wanted is another advisee.
I hear you.
A-And I'm sorry
to be adding to your schedule.
Yeah, and apparently,
you wanted a new advisor
because of some complications
with your old one?
That's one way to put it.
Well, life is complicated.
B-But it's all material, right?
That's the cliché.
So, what do you write?
Well, uh, my genre is romance.
(quietly):
Barf.
Did she just say...
Ex-Excuse me, what was that?
I said "barf."
¶ ¶
So, you're not a fan of romance.
Good to know. (chuckles)
But I do hope
you keep an open mind.
My mind is always open.
Well, I was...
Careful, Jane,
you're running out
of English Department
faculty members.
Just as long as it passes
the Bechdel test, okay?
Got it. Yes.
You've heard of it?
No. No, I haven't.
It's a three-part question.
Does the work feature
two female characters...
with names...
who talk about something
other than a man?
Like, for instance,
you, Jane,
talking to me,
Professor Donaldson,
about the work--
that passes the test.
But you, Jane,
talking to me, Marlene,
about your former advisor,
Jonathan Chavez--
that doesn't pass the test.
Oh, yeah, well...
I mean, m-my work
certainly passes the test.
Translation:
Jane will certainly check
to make sure her work
passes the test.
(laughs):
Great! Because otherwise...
barf.
Just a little spit-up.
You're okay, Anna.
(Elsa crying)
Hey, Petra,
can you...?
Sure.
(electronic ding)
No, no, no, I meant
can you just pick her up?
Oh, no, it's fine.
I needed water.
Hi. Elsa's
crying again.
And, um, I needed water,
room temperature.
Again, that's not
what the button is for.
But anyway,
I have some good news.
Dr. Grove says you're
getting out today.
What?
I-I thought I, um,
I needed to stay longer
because of my platelet problem.
Things look better.
You're good to go.
The babies, too?
Yes. The babies, too.
Petra...
don't worry, we can do this.
JANE:
It's gonna be okay.
Michael, I promise.
(sighs): Oh, I don't know.
The last time my parents
were together,
it was a disaster.
There was fighting,
finger-pointing, tears--
mostly mine, but still...
(laughs)
Come on, they are not gonna
do that in front of me.
That's because
the only thing
they can agree on
is how much they love you.
Which is why you
can't leave the room.
I won't leave.
No, I'm serious.
Not even to go
to the bathroom.
Well, I might have
to go to the bathroom.
Remember that astronaut
that put the diaper on?
Stop it. (laughs)
Where's your commitment?
No, I'm serious.
Oh.
(doorbell rings)
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Hey.
Hi!
Oh, Jane. Hi.
I didn't realize
you'd be here.
Oh. W-Well, I wanted to see you.
Come on in.
Mike, we were
hoping for a...
private moment alone.
We have some
important family business
we want
to discuss.
Oh. Well, it's just Jane.
I'm just gonna tell her
whatever you say anyway.
MRS. CORDERO:
Fine.
We think you're
making a mistake.
Don't marry her.
Barf.
You... you don't want
Michael to marry me?
You were heartbroken, Mikey.
Don't you remember?
When we found out the two
of you were back together,
I called your father.
We got to talking.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
At least Jane's
still bringing them together.
We wanted to reach out, but
then the next thing we knew,
we were getting an evite
to an engagement party.
That's enough.
That's enough.
Michael... it's okay.
You guys should talk.
Um... I'll see you later.
(clears throat
softly)
I am so sorry.
You should not be leaving.
They should be leaving.
I'll kick them out.
No, no, no, don't do that.
Go back inside-- you know,
the longer you're out here,
the worse it'll be,
because then they'll
think I'm upset.
You are upset.
No, no, I'm not.
Just go back inside
and talk to them.
Oh, yeah, and remind your mom
about the time
we got mani-pedis,
and a smoothie,
and we split an Orange Zinger,
and she said that I felt like
the daughter that she never had,
and make it seem like
I told you that at the time
because I was so touched,
and not today, okay?
Okay, go. Go.
PETRA:
Honestly, go.
We'll be fine.
I was planning
on staying over.
I've got it covered.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Well, Helga has it covered.
And Wilma.
Well, I guess
you could sit in here
with Helga and Wilma
all night.
(laughs)
See? They think
it's silly, too.
Heard you've
been looking for me.
The cops send you?
No.
But they do want
to talk to you.
I went to prep school
with a topflight attorney.
I'll let him know.
Good.
Okay, look, man, this isn't
about the cops, okay?
Up until a few months ago,
I didn't even know
I had a brother.
Did-did you know?
About me?
No.
Okay.
I mean, so, can... can
we at least just talk?
Maybe.
I'll be in touch.
I'm staying here, by the way.
Mind if I send you the bill...
brother?
(door closes)
You'll meet him in public.
Don't go off with him alone.
Okay, I got it.
(beeps twice)
Oh.
I... I should go.
It's, uh... Jane.
Yeah. Never not awkward.
Maybe once Mateo's in college.
Let me know when you see him.
(smacks lips)
Okay.
(beep)
(sighs)
Hi.
Jane, look, I'm so sorry.
I don't care
what my parents say.
No, no, no, it's not that.
Well, I mean,
it's definitely that,
too, but...
I'm worried about my dad.
I left him a message
this morning,
and I told him
that we were engaged,
and he hasn't
called me back all day.
And we want
to go check in on him,
but he told us
to give him his space.
Okay, I'll-I'll
swing by the condo
and see what's
going on with him.
Thank you. I love you.
He's gonna go check on him.
Good. I feel better.
Hey, can you move
those papers?
Pablo will be here any minute.
Yeah, sure. Sorry.
I was just making sure
that my chapters passed
the Bechdel test.
Yeah, she sounds
like a hard-ass.
Have you had any movement
with Michael's parents?
No, and I'm
so frustrated,
because I love him so much.
(buzzer sounds)
But I don't know
how to prove that to them.
(groans)
Look who it is.
Finally.
Okay, good.
Bechdel test, take two.
Why aren't you dressed? Pablo's
gonna be here any minute.
(buzzer sounds)
Geez, this thing is tough.
Ma, stop being
ridiculous.
(both chuckle)
Fine. What's
the undeniable proof?
Afterwards, we will
consider sending him away.
(sighs)
JANE:
Abuela, there are,
like, 100 different
environmental factors that
go into an early frost.
(doorbell rings)
(gasps)
He's here!
Come on, Abuela.
No, no, no, no, no. Dame.
Please
come in.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Okay, this could
totally be explained
by a fuse blowing
or a power outage.
(gasps)
Or is it...
the Curse
of Pablo Alonso Segura?
It's just our house. The other
houses on the street have power.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Not entirely true.
Good question.
Let me go check on her.
Stop.
It's not a curse.
You're being silly.
Yes. And you're being rude.
Now, that nice man travelled
a long way to see you
and, yes, maybe
we shouldn't have invited him,
but I read those chats,
and you certainly wrote
pretty vividly
about wanting to see him.
So I'm gonna need you to come
out of this room right now.
And I would change
because he's fine.
Just one more minute.
It'll be quick,
painless,
and when our death goes viral,
we'll be famous.
And they'll make a movie
about us,
maybe.
At this point, Rogelio's life
actually did start
to flash before him.
¶ ¶
His first smile.
¶ ¶
Wait, what?
Oh, yeah.
This part is really happening.
And now's a good time to remind
you that Jane's fiancé
is a detective.
And remember,
he was sent by Jane
to see if Rogelio was okay.
Huh. Since when
does Rogelio not rush out
to open his monthly
Cosmetic Crate delivery?
And here
is where we left off.
Lola, could we do this outside?
The dramatic skyline, the
sound of the ocean behind us--
it'll add more
production value.
Please, please,
don't-don't let me die
against a flat background lit
by unflattering light.
Okay. We'll go outside...
Drop the weapon.
Oh!
Drop it.
Drop it.
No!
(grunting)
No.
Let me go!
Calm down.
Rogelio!
It's over.
No!
Rogelio!
(shouting
indistinctly)
(exhales)
(inhales deeply)
¶ ¶
Jane!
(gasps)
It's fine!
Just the wind! Finish
what you were saying.
(phone rings)
Michael...
Dad was kidnapped.
Is there a particular concealer
you'd recommend
for an injury of this kind?
Uh,
concealer, like...
Makeup. To cover up wounds.
Surely I'm not the first
to ask this.
Dad!
Oh, my God. Are you okay? Oh.
Yes, I'm okay, I'm okay.
Oh.
(exhales)
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And then they remembered
they were broken up.
And this guy.
My hero.
My best friend.
And now my daughter's fiancé.
I'm so happy for you two!
WOMAN:
Oh... my...
God!
Soledad, what are
you doing here?
I heard what happened.
The news outlet
has it now.
It's a huge story
everywhere.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
I'm getting calls
from big people.
How about...
Not yet.
Might we...
I'm putting out
feelers.
JANE:
Who are they
talking about?
José Díaz-Balart
from Telemundo.
It's your dad's dream
to be interviewed by him.
Just don't tell the story to any
other news outlets, all right?
Because JDB would need
an exclusive.
My lips
are sealed.
But you can
talk to family.
Are you okay?
What happened?
I'm fine.
I just want to put it behind me.
Oh, my God.
1.3 million more
Twitter followers.
I know.
I know. Oh,
I can't even.
I can't even.
I really can't even.
I can't even even can't even.
I seriously can't even.
Is she in there?
Thank you.
Good morning.
What are you doing here?
The band canceled
for the live music series.
Weren't you copied
on the e-mails?
I've called the agencies.
Now I have about...
15 artists to listen to.
I can take care
of that.
You just had twins.
You heard what Dr. Grove said.
I'm been cleared
to resume regular activities,
hence... (chuckles)
Not every mother
has to stay home.
I actually feel happy here.
But, hey, if you want
to go upstairs, by all means.
JANE:
Well, excuse me.
Who is the most handsome boy
in the whole world?
Is it you, Mr. Sweetface?
(chewing sounds)
Huh? Yes?
Maybe you should come with me
to dinner
with Michael's parents later.
Right?
'Cause nobody can resist you.
(phone chimes)
Oh. Oh, what is this?
An e-mail
from Professor Donaldson.
Should we open it, Mateo?
Should we?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
That's it?
Yes. That was the whole e-mail.
And now I have to
go meet with her.
Which, heads up, I'm dreading.
XIOMARA:
Relax, hon.
She's obviously just
a really cold person.
Keep up the good,
brave work.
Thanks. Thanks so much.
Come on in.
So, I got your heads-up.
Yeah,
I never like
you kids to be blindsided.
Everyone's so, you know,
"sensitive" these days.
But, yeah, not into it.
So how can I address
your concerns?
Because I do think, overall,
the work passed
the Bechdel test.
Well, yeah, big whoop.
That's pretty baseline, right?
Let me ask you
a question.
What kind of a book
are you writing?
Is it, you know, like,
a book for bored housewives?
Or is it... about something?
It should be noted
that Jane found this
more than slightly offensive.
Both, I'm hoping.
Well, then you better get back
to work.
'Cause it's, you know, not now.
Maybe put it
in context.
Give it a "frame."
DIRECTOR:
Move the frame to the left.
Good.
Now we go to soft focus
and reveal it's a dream.
Cut!
Rogelio.
Are you okay?
Mm-hmm?
You're not kissing with
your usual passion.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR (coughs):
Tongue.
Yes. I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Jane. Hi.
What a surprise.
Oh. Hey, Dad.
I just came by
to check in,
see how you're doing.
Incredible.
I feel that I'm accessing this
whole new set of emotions
and their corresponding
facial expressions.
I'm more...
wounded now.
But sexy wounded.
Probably that's what
JDB responded to.
José Díaz-Balart?
Fine, you pried it out of me.
Yes, I will be sharing the
harrowing tale of my kidnapping
with him exclusively.
Oh, wow.
It means that I'll be late to
your engagement party, though.
Is that okay?
Don't even think about it.
But, Dad,
I haven't even
heard what happened.
D-Do you want to tell me, maybe?
I do.
Bu-But I also
want it to be fresh,
so I don't seem rehearsed,
you know?
Is that it? Because
we haven't even talked.
I-I'm sorry that I was late
to your premiere.
Oh, stop it. No, I'm fine.
I just want to move forward.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Which Jane understood,
after all.
Which brings us here, now.
So, I-I just wanted
to say thank you
for agreeing to come to dinner.
And honestly,
I understand
where you're coming from,
how it looks...
It looks like
you fell in love with someone
else and dumped our son.
Right.
And I know
it seems like that,
but just to explain myself
a little,
I was accidentally
artificially inseminated.
My whole life
was upside down.
And so you left the one person
who stood beside you.
You threw him out like a...
Dirty tissue.
Exactly.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
On the bright side,
these two
are really getting along.
How do we know
you won't do it again?
Guys, go easy.
It's okay.
It's fine.
You can ask me
anything you want.
And yes,
I left Michael.
And I regret it.
And I would
never do it again.
Were you dating them both
at the same time?
As soon as I realized
I had feelings
for Rafael, I told Michael.
Yeah, and then threw him aside,
no second thoughts.
Well, I-I didn't
want to lead him on.
How long did you wait
before getting together
with Rafael?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Whoa. This must be
where Michael gets his
interrogation skills.
Well, that isn't the point,
I told him...
How long, Jane?
That same night.
That same night?
And now you want my son
to help raise
this other guy's kid?
Enough.
This is not
some other guy's kid.
This is Mateo. And I love him,
and I love Jane. Way too much
to be putting up
with this disrespect.
Come on,
we're leaving.
Abuela, enough. (sighs)
What am I supposed to do?
Michael's parents don't like me.
Ma, come on, it's Jane.
What?
Nothing.
Just that...
you have a compulsive need
to be liked.
I do not.
Jane.
I don't.
I just want my freaking
in-laws to like me.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And her freakin' advisor.
MARLENE:
What's the context?
What's the frame?
RAFAEL:
So, was it any good?
Ugh. No idea.
Honestly, my brain is fried,
but there's a frame.
They are
beautiful, Raf.
Thank you.
Are you ready to have a playdate
with your sisters? (whooshes)
Oh. (chuckles)
I'll leave you to it.
I got to go grade papers.
Oh, um, can I ask you
a question, actually?
It's about Petra.
I'm worried she's not really
bonding with the babies.
What do you mean?
Well, she's not
holding them, really.
And she's working already,
and I can't bring it up
without her accusing me
of treating her
like a 1950s housewife.
Is that normal?
I don't know.
I mean, everybody's
experience is different, right?
I mean, I became a shut-in.
M-My mom had to basically
force me out of the house.
Yeah, well, the mom thing
isn't really an option.
So, um...
maybe you'll
have to give her the push?
It'll happen.
And when they bond-- I mean,
that mother-child
thing is intense.
Isn't it? Isn't it, Mateo?
(phone dings)
Say "Bye, Mommy."
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yup. It sure is.
Slight change of plans:
I'm on my way to Fort Myers.
What?
Michael's parents left.
They said that
they weren't coming
to the engagement party,
so I'm going there.
Jane.
What?
It's only 112 more miles.
This is crazy.
So they don't like you.
It's not about them liking me!
Okay, well, it kind of is,
but it's about Michael, too.
I mean, he wants
his family there.
And plus, you know, I-I get
why they're protective.
I get the parent-child bond.
So I just want to appeal
to Mrs. Cordero as a mother.
MRS. CORDERO:
Jane, really,
this isn't a good time.
No, no, no, please,
l-let me just say one thing.
Please.
I am so sorry. And you know
what, I know how you feel.
If anyone broke Mateo's heart,
oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Right now...
I just-I just want one more
chance to prove to you
how much I love your son.
And I do. That's why I'm here.
Because if you don't
come, you'll hurt him.
And I know you don't want
that. No mother wants that.
I'll think about it.
And if you'll excuse me...
I really should
get back to my book club.
Your...
Sorry about that.
I-If it makes any difference,
I loved that book, too.
Okay.
(knocking)
Hey.
Hi. (giggles)
I heard you paid a little
visit to my mom's book club.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know they were
all gonna be sitting there.
No, don't apologize.
It worked.
My parents are coming
to the party.
Apparently
the, uh, book club ladies
were really feeling you.
Yeah, well, I mean,
those are my people.
Thank you for doing that.
Of course. Family matters.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, yes, Family Matters.
It wasn't just a terrific
Friday night TV staple.
It was also a mantra Rafael
was leaning on in this moment.
So...
tell me about yourself.
I'm not talkative.
Anything else?
Nope.
How's the food?
Mm.
Okay, man, come on,
I'm just trying
to get to know you.
Then ask the question
you really want to know.
Did you know our mother
was a crime lord?
No. Did you?
No. But I'm not the one
who disappeared
after she was exposed.
And I didn't have tunnels
under my hotel
where people did
illegal surgeries.
Where were you?
You really want to know?
I do.
Fine.
Let's go.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Wait. No. What did Michael say?
Don't follow him anywhere.
And yet, there he goes.
Right this way.
So, you can prepare here.
Sorry there's not more room.
Are you kidding? It's like
four cubano trucks in here.
(gasps) Ooh,
sexy, Ma.
And you sure it's not
for your date after?
Hmm?
You're gonna lose
that sweater, right? And show
Pablo that hot little bod?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
It's safe to say this
conversation fails
the Bechdel test miserably.
(phone buzzes)
Hello?
What?
Oh, no.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Be there? Where are you going?
The party's gonna start.
And I'll be back as soon as
I can, but that was Dad's agent.
What-what are you doing here?
I heard you were
having a hard time.
What's going on?
I just...
I don't think
I can do this interview.
And you don't have to
if you don't want to.
No, but I do want to,
that's the point.
It's one of my #LifeGoals.
I always wanted
to open my heart and soul
to José Díaz-Balart.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Who doesn't?
But I don't know.
It's just,
every time I think about
saying it out loud...
I get choked up.
And not like a single tear
glistening down my cheek thing,
but like...
Oh, Dad, of course
you're going to cry.
It's a really traumatic thing
that happened.
I don't want people
to see me as a victim.
I want to seem like a powerful,
extraordinary actor.
You can be both.
But what if people
make fun of me--
memes, GIFs?
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Or is it JIFs?
Well, not everybody's
gonna like you.
Which is a lesson
I've been learning.
Well, that's not
too helpful to me,
because I'm trying to build
a social media dynasty.
Well, personally, I don't think
anybody's gonna make fun of you
if you're honest and vulnerable,
and that's all you can do.
What if I can't
get through it?
You want to practice with me?
No. You have to go
to your engagement party.
This is more important.
Now what happened?
(sniffles)
I thought
I was going to die, Jane.
Oh, Dad.
Oh.
Yes. Say good-bye.
Good night.
She's still with her dad.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Let's move on, shall we?
I could use a breather
from all this tension.
So much for taking a breather.
Don't bother. No service.
Come on.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You really
shouldn't go, Rafael.
You heard what Michael said.
Not alone!
You coming?
And with Michael's words
ringing in his ears,
Rafael refused
to get on the boat!
Let's go.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ugh. Well, it was worth a try.
Tonight, we're here with
international telenovela star
Rogelio de la Vega, and the
story you're about to hear,
well, it's straight out
of a telenovela, honestly.
I know. It-it really is.
But then again, you know,
sometimes truth is
stranger than fiction.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I'll say.
DEREK: Be up in a second.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
You'll recall,
we left Rafael on a boat
alone with his brother.
No problem.
(creaking, thud)
Did you think it was a gun?
No.
So...
where were you?
Right here
on this boat.
In the middle of the ocean.
I heard about my mom...
our mom.
They were seizing assets.
I freaked out.
I didn't know what to do.
They were taking everything.
Okay. And?
And I sat out here, man.
Thought about things.
My dad, for instance.
Ran half marathons
twice a year,
died of a heart attack
out of the blue.
Did she kill him?
Things like that.
Thought about taking the plunge
myself, briefly.
'Cause I suddenly
had no family.
But then I punked out
and headed back
to good old Miami.
But you do, though.
Have family.
So, you gonna pour that Scotch,
or what?
Yeah.
JANE:
Hi.
Hi! Hi! Oh, I love you.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you. Thank
you. Thank you.
Michael, hi.
Hi.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Oh.
Me, too.
(laughs)
I'll go inside. I'll give you
guys some privacy. I'll just...
How are your parents?
My mom is not as mad
as when she found out
my dad slept
with his dental hygienist.
But it's a point
of reference?
It's definitely
a point of reference.
Oh. Okay.
I'm going in.
Okay.
Michael, Patricia, hi.
I am so sorry
I missed the party.
My dad had
an emergency.
We heard.
The point is,
you missed it.
After you made
a real big deal
about how important
it was to Michael.
MICHAEL SR.:
And once again,
someone else comes in first.
I told you both not
to say anything.
Michael, it's fine. It's fine.
I know, but my dad really
needed me tonight.
Okay. Forget it.
I'm sorry you don't like me,
but you know what?
Your son understands
why I wasn't here,
so I'm cool.
And I really hope that
you'll learn to live with me,
because I'm not going anywhere.
If we do attend
the wedding,
it'll be for his
sake, not yours.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
It should be noted
that the people-pleasing side
of Jane wanted to attempt
one last ditch charm offensive,
but instead, she said...
Noted.
You know,
I'm turning over a new leaf.
Who cares if
people like me?
Cheers to that!
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
That's what I'm talking
about. 100% over it.
My new motto--
take me or leave me.
(phone chimes)
Mm.
(gasps)
Oh, my God, oh,
my God, my advisor.
She just e-mailed
me, "Heads up."
"I liked your material."
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
She liked my material!
Yeah. Get it. Work, work.
But you don't care?
Mom, baby steps.
(phone chimes, Jane gasps)
Oh.
What?
Oh, yeah, well,
you know what?
I'll take it. Yeah. Uh.
(phone buzzing)
Oh, be right back.
It's Rafael.
He was meeting
his brother. Sorry.
Look, I think
Derek's telling the truth.
I don't think he knew.
Wait. What are you
talking about?
You can't know that already.
Well, I do.
What?! Stop.
You are being played.
And you are entitled
to your own opinion,
but this... this is my family.
So investigate
all you want, man.
I'm done.
Thanks, man.
Well, I meant it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Hmm.
I don't know if I like this.
I got to run.
This, on the other hand,
I'm all for.
Hi.
Hi.
Where are Wilma and Helga?
I let them go,
just for a night.
I thought it would be good
to have a bonding night.
Just us.
As a family.
And you don't have
to change a single diaper.
Come here.
Come here.
Here, hold Elsa.
You want to go
to your mommy.
Come here.
That.
How can you even tell
which is which?
Had Helga put an
"X" on her foot.
(baby cooing)
I've been having
a little trouble.
I'm not sure this is for me.
It is.
I just think
part of the problem is
that you've been avoiding them.
(baby crying)
Uh-oh. Someone's got
to get a diaper changed.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Well, there's really no way
to sugarcoat it.
Ah.
Ah.
Oh.
(violin plays)
Ah.
(tango music plays)
Michael left?
Yeah, he has
an early morning.
Where's Abuela?
Still out with Pablo.
Ooh! Nice.
(creaking)
Hey, did you hear that?
(tango music playing)
(creaking)
Wait. I hear it now.
Is that what they mean
when they say
that a house is settling
or whatever?
¶ ¶
Maybe it's the air conditioning?
(rattling)
¶ ¶
Oh!
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, dear.
Maybe there is something to
this curse business after all.