James May: Our Man in Japan (2020): Season 1, Episode 5 - Peach Boy - full transcript
- Right... a boat scene.
- Cue the music!
Oh, come on, we can do better
than that.
No...
No...
No...
♪ I'm on a boat and,
it's goin' fast and... ♪
I don't know what that is.
Hello, viewers,
you join me in the Pacific.
Not the HBO series,
the actual ocean.
We're heading over there
to Japan's third largest city:
Osaka.
My high-brow sociopolitical
essay on Japan
has so far seen me travel
1,000 miles
to fall off a sled...
And be crushed under the weight
of a gigantic penis.
I'm dying. Ow!
Last time, in Kyoto,
I got lost in translation...
Bim, guess what?
You just said that, you digital!
Lost my rag at Mount Fuji...
I'm having an artistic tantrum.
I've had enough of this!
- And lost all feeling
in my buttocks
for the following three days.
This time... this.
I am Ultraman!
Whoa! Whoa!
My new Japanese mates tell me
that Japanese people
in the other cities of Japan...
I mean Tokyo, obviously...
Tend to look down their noses
at the people of Osaka,
and they think they are
a bit rude,
and a bit rough-and-ready;
a bit vulgar, even.
Osaka has a reputation
for being a bit grubbier
than Tokyo.
It has a bit more crime,
a bit more litter.
I like the sound of it already.
Osaka's a busy
industrial port city
that's known as the Manchester
of the East.
It's got swagger,
a mad-fer-it nightlife,
and I can't understand
what anyone's saying.
To experience
downtown Osaka properly,
and to get a bit to eat because
I've been at sea for days,
I'm meeting my local guide,
Ha-Chan, to get a short tour.
- Hello.
- James-san.
- My name is Ha-Chandas,
nice to meet you.
- And you.
- Welcome to
Osaka, Japan, thank you.
- Thank you very, very much.
I know your name before.
I very appreciate film together,
- thank you so much.
- No-no, thank you.
- Okay!
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Me, too.
- I'm starving.
Okay.
- Can we eat?
- Sure.
- Sashimi and beer.
- Sure. Let's go.
And then, noodles.
Ha-Chan's taking me around
the bright and bonkers district
of Dotonbori to experience
the sights,
sounds, and squid.
All right, octopus.
See, I love that this is all...
Everything's sort of
- got colors and designs over it.
- Yeah, this is...
- Uh, designs.
- Rockets.
See, look at that lantern,
I love that.
So y-you're from Osaka?
Yes, 100% Osaka.
100% Osakan okonomiyaki person.
Yeah, takoyaki.
So what... Why do people in Tokyo
sort of... They look down
- on Osaka a bit and think
it's a bit...
- Mmm...
- it's a bit
below them, don't they?
- I don't know why.
I don't know.
Do you know?
Is it because this is...
I wonder if it's 'cause
this is a good time city.
This actually feels a bit like
Tokyo did 20 years ago.
It's a bit more... mad.
I mean, what's that dragon
for there?
This is
a ramen restaurant.
It's a whatta?
- Ramen. Restaurant.
- Ramen.
Ramen hangover food.
And what do they eat
in Tokyo for hangovers?
Osaka has a proud reputation
as the street food capital
of Japan, and everywhere I look,
there are mouthwatering
local delicacies.
Unfortunately, Ha-Chan
seems to have forgotten
that bit of our chat,
and keeps pointing out things
that are completely inedible.
Uh, James, stop here.
Look down.
That's very nice.
Do you know what this
looks like?
It's a pagoda.
- Osaka Castle.
- Oh, that's Osaka Castle?
This is a very famous place.
- This is a manhole cover.
- Oh, wow.
You see?
Do you actually have that
- all the time in your bag?
- Yes.
You do?
I manage to steer Ha-Chan away
from an engrossing tour
of Osaka's top 30
manhole covers.
But even I get distracted
by the bright lights and sounds
of what's round the corner.
Oh, is that pachinko?
Yeah, this is the very famous
Japanese pachinko.
Okay, lead on.
Let's go.
I do have
some sisters somewhere.
- Let's go!
- Coming! I'm coming.
Pachinko is one of Japan's
favorite games.
It's like the bastard child
of a one-armed bandit
and bagatelle.
And even though gambling's
officially pretty much
illegal in Japan,
there are around 10,000
of these pachinko parlors
across the country,
taking care to skirt
just on the right side
of the law.
This looks very, very
complicated, and it is.
Balls come out of it,
and you fire them into a slot;
it's a bit like a fruit machine,
come on the screen...
Okay?
- Uh, right.
- Again.
Oh! Look, the balls are coming!
Ooh!
I got one!
- Lucky!
Yeah, I got another one!
There you go!
Yes!
The name "pachinko"
comes from the noise
the tiny balls make
when you play.
You might just be able
to hear it.
Can you hear what I'm saying?
The racket here is incredible.
The sound man, Dan, just told me
that the noise in here
is louder than the pit lane
at Suzuka.
It's louder than
motorcycle racing.
Oh... no, yes!
Yes!
No!
So I've used up all my balls,
so I've won nothing.
- But Ha-Chan has got 14 points.
- Yes.
It's 14-nil.
- So you've got 14 balls
in there.
- Yes, yes.
Japan spends $200 billion a year
playing pachinko.
That's twice the value
of their entire
export car industry.
And just taking a look
at the prizes on offer,
you can easily see
where all that money goes.
2,000 yen gone in about...
seven minutes.
That's... well, it's about
$20.00 in American money.
And had I been any good,
look what I could have won.
I could have had...
this Hello Kitty gonk
for 540 balls.
The pillow with the train on,
and the, and the,
and the things.
And this, and a wallet,
all this.
All this could have been mine.
But before you say
"rip-u off-u",
there is a way
to see some proper returns.
We just have to do it out of
earshot of sono otoko...
Now, I just want to clear up
a few things
which I couldn't really explain
in there because of the racket.
It is true that it's illegal
to win money at pachinko,
because gambling for money
is not allowed outside
of licensed places
such as horse racing pitches.
That's why you have to win
a cuddly toy.
So you can't,
you can't win the money,
but what you can do,
on the quiet,
which is why we have to be
very discreet filming this,
is you can exchange your balls,
or your Hello Kitty,
for this ingot.
And you can change that
for money,
but you can't do it in there,
because that would be too
blatant, so you have to go...
- Where do you go?
- Over there to the money.
Let's go, shall we go?
Over there. Let's go?
Okay. Well... you go,
because I'm a gaijin.
Or a more accurate translation,
I'm a wuss.
We do have to be
a bit discreet about this,
because... it's sort of illegal
in the way...
I don't know... speeding is,
something like that.
Ah! I got...
Da-duh!
That was really ungentlemanly
- to make you do that.
- 2,000 yen.
- Oh, we've got
half our money back.
- Yes.
I realize that
that's your money,
but can we go and spend it
on street food?
Yes.
Thank God.
Ha-Chan mentioned
something earlier
called "hangover takoyaki"
which is made from
those enticing octopuses...
And yes, you can say "octopuses"
rather than "octopi."
In fact, "octopus"
is of Greek origin,
and the plural in that
is "octopodes",
so if we're using
the morphological sys...
Oh, hang on, I'm talking
over the scene.
Ha-Chan mentioned
something earlier
called "hangover takoyaki",
which is made from squid.
-Is this like a pancake?
Made with...
-Uh, no, no, no.
So what...
Yes!
Yeah, that's
a very big piece, yeah.
This is why
our local comes here.
How much does it cost?
Uh... here.
You can have a look.
Six pieces.
Hey, it's cheap as hell.
It's 400... It's like three,
three quid.
- Okini.
- Okini.
Okini, okini.
- Mmm.
- Ooh, I've got lots of fishy
bits with that.
Okay.
The fishy flakes...
they taste of
an old Japanese house.
I know that sounds like
a stupid thing to say,
but it does taste like
an old Japanese house.
This food presenter
lark is easy.
Osaka's slogan is "kuidaore!"
Meaning "ruin yourself
with food."
Although another translation is
"eat yourself bankrupt."
And just down the street,
you can certainly do that.
God, look at the price of that!
Oh, my God!
That's 70 English pounds
for a piece of beef.
For that much money,
you could buy a cow in England.
Not a very good one, but...
Kobe beef is the Bugatti Veyron
of dead animal bits;
but I wonder if their
reputedly pampered
and expensive lifestyle
is just a load
of old bullocks.
What we believe in England,
the cows live in
very special fields
- in very nice, remote areas,
beautiful grass.
- Mm-hmm.
They only eat the grass,
and people go and massage them,
and pat them on the head,
and you know,
give them a rub,
and talk to them...
- The cow is listen to the music.
- Do they?
- Yes! Jazz music.
- Oh, jazz music?
- Yeah.
- Oh, well, it should taste
excellent, then.
It's a pity it's not Kobe pig,
otherwise they'd all be
listening to Charlie Porker.
Well, I liked it.
Anyway, here it is,
Mooey Armstrong.
- Oh, my God.
- Sumimasen.
It's not very big, is it?
Excellent. Go on, then.
Tell me what it's like.
Oh, my God, it melts
in my mouth.
Really?
Is it very, very soft?
Touch of salt, here we go.
How is it?
- Very different taste.
- It's extremely nice, actually.
- Mmm.
- I never tried this 10,000
Kobe beef before.
- Really?
- Yes.
But you only live down there.
Yes, I live in this area,
but not too much this area.
Not too much to eat Kobe beef.
Because very... not so...
not so local price, right?
Expensive? Will be...
Is this the tourist price?
- Oh, is it? Oh, there you go.
- But taste is... I like it.
The Japanese rob you.
You heard it here first.
There now follows
a rather awkward encounter,
where the English
travel presenter,
thanks to copious beer-us,
misses all the signs
from his guide
that she just
wants a compliment.
- It's a great life here
actually, because...
- Mm...
it's warm, you've got the river,
you've got all the bars...
- Mm-hmm...
- you've got
the amazing lights...
- Mm-hmm...
- it's not windy...
There's all this great food...
beer, everybody seems
very cheerful and friendly
and a bit mad. It's great...
Thank you, thank you.
Yes, we recommend Osaka.
You should come to Osaka.
Filled with
great shame and dishonor
at my total lack of manners,
I agree to face the ultimate
Japanese punishment...
- a selfie.
Funny face!
Funny face!
Thank you!
Thank you so much. Yatta!
Kawaii. It is cute.
Next morning,
along with the rest of Osaka,
I'm in something
of a beer and octoballs coma.
But the crew assure me
that they have something
that'll wake me right up.
I am Ultraman!
I'm actually a children's
manga comic superhero
with martial arts powers.
Although, weirdly,
I feel more like a knob.
Now, I know
what you're all thinking,
but Nintendo
are famously litigious,
and our lawyers have
also advised us to make
no Link to official characters.
And, even if this looks
the Samus that,
to Kirby any mention of them.
I'll admit I had no idea
who Ultraman was,
but all our Japanese fixers and
our friends knew immediately.
But this sort of thing
is perfectly normal.
You dress up as
your favorite manga character
and you drive around Osaka
in a children's go-kart.
And, as you can see,
there's nothing
in the karting company's name
to bring that other property
to mind whatsoever.
They do it in Tokyo as well.
Not tourists, locals.
Unfortunately,
unlike most games,
here, you only get one life.
Crikey.
We're not going
on the expressway, are we?
I haven't got any money
for the tolls.
Given that the Japanese seem
to quite like rules and so on,
I'm surprised this is allowed.
I mean, it shouldn't be allowed
on all sorts of levels.
It's two-stroke, it's dirty,
it's actually a child's toy,
it's not really road legal
and it's silly.
It's good, isn't it?
Konnichiwa.
Domo arigato. Sumimasen.
Unintendo legal consequences
aside,
Wii may feel ridiculous,
but despite the Switch
in characters,
this is the SNES best thing
to being in that
unmentioned karting sim,
even if the lawyers
aren't Game... Boy.
This Japanese obsession
with manga comic characters
and superheroes and pocket
monsters and all the rest of it,
it's completely real.
It's not just something
we've imagined in the West.
They pervade
absolutely everything.
They're on signposts, they're
in the instruction manuals
for appliances,
they're in people's bedrooms,
they're in restaurants,
lucky cat, everywhere.
I've suddenly wondered, is it
something to do with Shintoism?
Because if you've got
millions of gods
and everything
is invested with a spirit,
then it seems perfectly
reasonable to populate the world
with lots of fictitious
little characters
that you can adopt as your own.
It's just a thought.
I know that's a bit profound
for someone dressed up
in a children's fancy dress
costume, but there it is.
A superhero's work
is never done.
Right. Where to now?
But now have a look at this.
No, not there.
Here?
Now, so far we've seen that
Osaka is the Japanese capital
of eating,
especially on the street.
It's also the capital
of bright lights, garishness,
noise, generally having a
good time and that's all great.
I can enjoy a beer
and a takoyaki
like anybody else in the world,
but it is also the font
of Japanese humor.
Down these stairs, in fact,
is a typical Osakan comedy club.
The trouble with this
is we know... we all know...
Comedy does not translate.
I mean, that's not funny.
It just isn't funny.
Although there have been
many times on this trip
where my appearance
has been met with laughter...
well, usually...
if I want to get laughs
from a Japanese audience
on purpose, I need some help.
I need a loudmouthed
ball of energy,
who, more importantly,
will gladly march towards
inevitable onstage death
at his sensei's command.
There's only one man
for the job.
My trusty Samurai "Deodorant"
from Tokyo, Yujiro.
His wife made it for you!
My God!
Earplugs on standby.
Now, the problem with this,
I think,
is that humor doesn't translate.
It's too subtle and it just...
Something that works in English
that we think is hilarious
is just banal in Japanese.
-Yeah.
-So what we did here as part
of this experiment,
we will either prove
that humor doesn't translate,
or we will surprise ourselves
and discover that it does.
I've given Yujiro a wide
selection of jokes in English,
to choose what might work best
for a Japanese audience.
Everything from chin-strokey
New Yorker satire
to absolute bottom of the
barrel Christmas cracker jokes.
Guess which he's picked.
- And the ones
you've chosen are...
- Yes.
The first one. The-the...
uh, "My Boss."
"My boss told me to have
a good day, so I went home."
-Well, I think it's funny.
-Okay, well, if you think
it's funny, that's what matters,
-'cause then we'll see
if it works in Japanese.
- Yes, I hope so, yes.
- And the second one.
- "The other day,
my wife asked me
to pass her lipstick,
"but I accidentally
passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me."
Is it funny in Japanese?
Well, uh, 80%. 80%.
- 80%. Okay.
- 80%.
It might seem like we've bombed
before we've even started,
but a lot of Japanese humor
is based on kotoba asobi,
dajare and even oyaji gag.
And, in case that wasn't enough
pressure, on the bill tonight
is also a famous veteran
Japanese double act,
Sen Saru Man, who give
some words of encouragement
for Yujiro.
Will the Japanese
be kind?
We're going to die.
Oh, my God.
They're bloody professionals
out there.
They are bloody professionals.
Oh, my gosh.
Sensing Yujiro's nerves,
I do my best
to reassure him.
If you were performing
in England...
- Yeah.
- And I was introducing you...
- Yeah.
- I would say,
"Next up, ladies and gentleman,
is the Japanese Tintin,"
and that would already
give you a head start
because you do look a bit
like Tintin, but Japanese.
- You're on.
- No, no.
- I think...
- It does.
- I think you're on.
- No, but it's a character.
- You're on, I think.
- Is it... You're on.
- What-what? Wha... what?
- They're ready.
- What... already?
- Yes.
- I-I heard it's 7:00. No?
- No, no.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
I'm suddenly getting...
I-I'm not prepared.
- You can't be prepared,
just go and tell some jokes.
Luckily for Yujiro,
I'm a dab hand
at stress management techniques.
Go... ah-ah, eh-eh, oh-oh.
For once, Yujiro seems
to be speechless.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Oh, no, there it is.
Ah, first British joke!
- Yay!
- Okay?
"Have a great day."
Okay!
Yujiro's following
the golden rule
of many big TV stars:
when things go wrong,
blame the crew.
Hey, James May!
In the interest of science,
I can't declare this experiment
a failure without testing
the other subject.
So, here's a Japanese joke
translated for you.
Mic drop.
Lead on.
You're choosing the bar.
Okay.
Whoa.
Looks like a nice shop.
Well, we can't go in a maid bar.
What? "Kuroneco,"
it's only a black cat.
- You know...
- Yeah, but they...
Y-You own cats, right?
- Yes.
- And there's cats here, too.
But they're not cats,
they're teenage girls.
- Well...
- You can't go in a maid bar.
But Master James,
seeing is believing.
You have to see
with your own eyes.
Well, I've seen them
on the street
in Tokyo
and other bits of Osaka.
- No, no, I...
- It's pervy.
No, it's not pervy,
it's not lewd.
- And they are...
- What?
They are, they are actresses.
- Black cat actresses.
- Yeah, but they're acting
a really classic male fantasy
of a French maid.
- French maid. Yeah...
- That is a strippergram.
- How's that...
- You know the word,
- you know the word cosplay?
- Yes.
- Costume play.
- Yes, I've done it.
Uh... you've done it?
- Yes.
- Then this...
- I was Ultraman.
- You were Ultraman?
- Yeah.
- Then I think
this is the shop for you.
- This is a cosplay shop.
- No, but that's pervy.
Time to call for backup
from my Japanese fixer, Mai.
Konbonwa.
- I don't believe him.
- That's pervy, isn't it?
-I think so. It is, yes.
-Really?
-There you go, it's pervy.
But the... Japan is a country
of perverts.
- Thank you.
- You see,
it's a natural...
We are natural-born perverts.
-I mean, I... this is...
Yes. Yeah... Yes.
-Okay.
-That's fine.
You're a pervert...
-Are you gonna buy me a beer?
- That...
- Yeah, but not in there.
Oh. Oh, really?
- No, come on.
- You just said yourself, Mai.
You're a Japanese woman.
It's pervy.
- Let's go in and find out...
- Yes.
I don't need
to find out.
- how pervy it is.
- You've just told me its pervy.
- No...
- I can see from the sign...
- They are nice,
nice, nice, nice...
- No, I will never work ag...
- nice black cat, nice woman.
- This...
- Yes. I'm pushing you in.
- I'm only doing this
'cause Mai is here, okay?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Jesus, that's terrible.
- You can't do that.
- Why?
- They are black cats.
- It's pervy.
- You know, black cats.
- It's pervy.
No, no, no.
Konbanwa.
Konbanwa.
Okay, have a seat.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
I think there's...
- Hey, James.
- Run for it.
It's pervy.
Hey, James. James!
Our legal team would like
to point out that this sort
of café is common in Japan
and completely harmless.
All girls in the maid café are
over 18 and excellent dusters.
On the plus side, I had
a lovely drink out with Mai.
She made me take her
to a Boy Scout bar.
After last night,
I've put Yujiro on a strict ban
on anything pervy.
So, for my last day in Osaka,
he's taking me
to a local university.
We are in one of the greatest
universities in Osaka.
It's called
the Kinki University.
- Is it really?
- Yeah. Kinki University,
Kindai University.
We the Japanese call it
Kinki University.
- Kinki University. Okay.
- Yeah.
We're gonna go... we're
going-going, we're gonna go
the, uh, the sumo training.
- Sumo?
- Yeah. We're gonna be
sumo wrestlers.
The Kinki sumo wrestlers
are one of the top
university teams in Japan.
We arrive just as they appear
to be performing
a scene from The Sumo Centipede.
It's very interesting, sumo,
because wrestling in the West
- is theatre, really,
we all know that.
- Mm.
But wrestling here is serious,
isn't it?
Of course. I-It's partially
a Shinto ritual, too,
originally, for, you know,
fertility and a good harvest,
- good rice...
- To entertain the gods.
Absolutely, so even if you win,
you're not allowed
to express like that...
Like American fighter...
- That's totally banned. Yeah.
- None of that "whoo!" stuff.
- No, you can't do that.
- Yeah, no American stuff here.
- Just a... Yeah.
- Absolutely.
Despite sumo's modesty
and reserve,
underpants notwithstanding,
the sport does have an
extremely high drop-out rate.
Again, underpants
notwithstanding.
Japan's top sumo stables
will soon pick
the best of these
young wrestlers.
And to be in with a chance,
they're going to need strength,
dedication,
and massive balls of steel.
Are you ready for big time?
I mean, we're gonna...
We're gonna actually
do the training today
with the sumo wrestlers.
- You're gonna...
- No, we're not.
What do you mean we are not?
- You and I together.
- I'm not. You can.
No, no, but we-we...
we do it together.
- No.
- What do you mean, no?
I'm not going to wear
one of those on television.
It's not fair on the viewers.
The following sequence
contains scenes
some viewers may find
disturbing.
My-my crotch is
as tight as hell.
Yeah.
Sorry, I thought that
was the sound
of Yujiro snapping.
After Yujiro successfully
psychs out
and intimidates his opponent
with the pre-match exercises...
it's time for a bout.
The rules are straightforward.
To win, avoid getting
knocked over,
and don't get pushed out
of the ring.
Round one.
Whoa!
Noble effort.
Yeah, do.
Go on, Yujiro, go on!
Grab his waistband
and give him a big wedgie.
Wedgie! Wedgie! Pull.
Oh, watch it, I think
you're about to pop out.
He's the manager.
Well done.
Thank you, my master.
Very impressive and admirable
and stupid.
You have, however, brought
great shame on your master
by losing every bout
in under six seconds.
- Yujiro took an urgent
leave of absence after that
to buy hemorrhoid cream,
so I struck out on my own.
Before leaving Osaka,
there's one last bit
of important culinary culture
to experience.
I would like to take
a few moments out
to talk about wasabi,
which is that little blob
of green stuff you get
on the side of your plate
in a Japanese restaurant.
It is native to Japan.
Its scientific name is
wasaba japonica.
And when it's growing,
this is what it looks like.
Now, we think of it
as a flavoring.
Historically, it was more
of a disinfectant, if you like.
Before the days of rapid
transport and refrigeration,
you put the wasabi
on the raw fish
to prevent bacteria
from growing.
Now, rumor has it,
in Osaka especially,
that if a restaurant doesn't
like the cut of your jib...
If, for example, you're a bit
of a loudmouth gaijin...
They might overdo the wasabi
to blow your head off
and teach you a lesson.
And this leads rather neatly
to the game of
wasabi roulette.
You will need
a willing opponent...
In this case, Mai...
A plate of salmon sushi.
One of them has been laced
with the weapons-grade wasabi.
So take it in turns
to eat a piece,
and the loser...
Well, it's to the death,
basically.
This ended up taking
about 25 minutes,
with nothing happening.
And two people just sitting
eating sushi
turned out to be
far less gripping
than we'd thought.
That's remarkable.
If you think this is fixed
in some way, it isn't.
We are down to the last two.
- Itadakimasu.
- Itadakimasu.
Oh, no.
Seriously?
Lots.
Well, I've lost.
Shall we just cut?
- No.
- No.
Okay, are you all running...
Itadakimasu.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Oh, you'll need some...
Hai, have some water.
Hai, hai, hai.
Whoa.
Yo, I am... I'm crying.
What's the Japanese
for "you bastard"?
Kids, just say no.
So, wincingly,
it's time to leave Osaka
as we carry on south.
The crew's taking their
camera equipment by car,
but I've decided to enjoy
one of Japan's
iconic bullet trains,
and film everything myself,
like a trendy vlogger.
I have a silly enough
haircut for it.
Audio is on the...
That's just Dan,
our Belgian sound man,
mic-ing me up.
So, prepare yourselves, viewers,
for Emmy Award-winning
cinematography like this.
And this.
Still going?
Wow, Japanese Shinkansen
station.
As opposed to a French
Shinkanden station.
- Konnichiwa.
- Konnichiwa.
Oh, bloody hell.
The symbol is something like
two Mexicans fighting
over a broken television,
followed by another television
on a sledge,
and a square tree.
Beautiful trains.
I've treated myself
to the posh carriage,
which is currently
being cleaned.
Obviously, because it's Japan,
and it hasn't been cleaned
for the last 20 seconds.
Oh, I thought we were gonna
get East Enders then.
Wonder if that jingle was
written by our jingle man.
This is wonderful.
You get on the train,
and exactly on time
it just whooshes away.
- No stupid announcements
or anything.
There's one there.
We think of these trains
as being incredibly modern.
The first one ran
when I was one year old,
and I'm ancient now.
I take back what I said
about announcements.
This one's unlikely to finish
by the time we get there.
Please do not attempt to get off
the train whilst it's moving.
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Oh, God.
Welcome to the Shinkansen.
This is a Mizuho superexpress,
bound for Kagoshima Chuo.
Unfortunately, as this shot
of me walking out
of Okayama station suggests,
the crew caught up with me.
And despite it being my day
off, they're adamant I film
a single piece about
the region's mythical guardian,
of whom there's a statue outside
with nothing amusing about
its design whatsoever.
Action.
Okay, I'm ready.
No, I can do it,
I can do it. Right.
Right, I'm ready.
This is Momotaro.
He's a local folk hero.
According to legend,
an old lady...
- That was so close.
- So close.
He's known...
I'm not sure I can do it.
Sorry, I'll do it again.
This is Momotaro.
He's a local folk hero.
And let me see if I can remember
the story correctly.
There was an old woman
who was out by the river,
and she saw a big peach
floating past.
So she picked it up
and took it home.
But when she cut it in half,
she found this small boy inside.
And the small boy went off,
and he made friends with a dog,
a monkey, a pheasant
and a pigeon,
and then somehow,
with their help,
defeated all the ogres
who were threatening the city.
And why is his penis
out to one side?
While I recover,
the crew buy time
with arty focus pulls
of pinecones.
We've come to Koraku-en,
a garden completed in 1700
by Ikida Tsunamasa, the local
feudal lord at the time.
I can see why formal gardens are
so important to the Japanese,
even if you've only got a space
the size of half
a ping-pong table.
Because the cities
are fantastic,
but they're a barrage
of noise and lights
and jingles and Hello Kitty
and Shinkansen
and okonomiyaki and Yujiro
and all the rest of it,
and you have to be able
to find somewhere
where you can just be at peace,
and here it is.
Rather than just bung together
a few nice flowers
and a fountain
of a small boy urinating,
Tsunamasa-san decided to depict
Japan in miniature,
through the medium of plants.
That hill over there,
obviously, is Mt. Fuji,
but the buildings represent
things like full-size temples,
full-size palaces.
The lakes and the ponds,
they represent
full-size lakes in Japan.
It's a way of sort of
experiencing
the beauty of the whole country
in a short walk 'round a park.
I mean, most people would
just have a train set
or something like that,
but you know.
For over three centuries,
generations of gardeners
have manicured this place into
a state of zen-like perfection.
Here, for example...
These people are restringing
this bamboo fence.
This has to be done every year,
painstakingly by hand,
using the twine and a special
Japanese knot.
Or, as they call it, a knot.
This man has been raking
this gravel garden
continuously for the past
45 years.
He's still an apprentice.
He's been doing it so long,
the prongs on his rake
have completely worn away.
A flash of cold steel,
the flower of Japan falls
to cries of "bonsai!"
But I'm not here to bask in the
beauty of a well-trimmed bush.
I want to experience something
the Japanese have been
masters of for over 1,000 years.
And Yujiro's joining me,
having finally regained
the ability to sit down.
You join me at a very
contemplative moment.
Kai Hattasan here is
a Zen meditation sensei,
and I've got no idea what to do.
I've never done anything
like this before.
Migi over hidari.
- Oh! Good.
- Very good.
Okay.
- I won't be able to do that.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, shoot.
I can't do that.
Okay, so left... so migi
under there and hidari...
I can do that, yes.
To be more concrete,
inhale in four seconds
and exhale in five seconds.
As long as you have your body
position in the correct order
and you're, uh,
breathing in the right way
then, your heart will be...
- Released in... Oh.
- Sorry.
The director.
Right, where were we?
Okay.
To enter a blissful state,
I try to clear my mind
of unnecessary,
intrusive thoughts.
It's interesting; it's very
relaxing and very peaceful,
but the trouble is,
it gives you a good opportunity
to think about other things,
so it's very difficult
to not think of anything.
- Ah...
- So I was actually thinking
about laundry at one point,
'cause I've run out of pants.
That was all fascinating
and something
I've never done before.
It's interesting
to learn about it.
I'd like to leave you
with this final thought.
Oh, for Shinto's sake.
I'm leaving Okayama behind,
heading towards the southern
tip of Japan's main island,
Honshu.
As I drive through
the ancient valleys
flecked with paddy fields
and sleepy villages,
it's hard to imagine
I'm about to visit a place
that changed
the modern world forever.
This is Hiroshima.
It's a very wealthy
and, for obvious reasons,
very modern Japanese city.
I bet when I said Hiroshima,
the first thing
that came into your minds
was not
the Mazda car company,
for example;
it was atomic warfare.
We all know the details.
The bomb dropped
on August 6, 1945,
right here,
where now stands a park,
and at its heart, the Hiroshima
Peace Memorial Museum.
Now, I realize this is going to
seem like a rather weighty topic
for a travel show
full of lighthearted larks,
but the fact is,
you cannot come to Hiroshima
and not visit
the atom bomb memorial park.
Not least because
it's extremely well done.
And you can't come
to the atom bomb memorial park
without addressing this rather
thorny and delicate subject,
so I'm afraid
that's what we're going to do.
Other TV shows are available.
No one knows for sure
how many people died,
but it's reckoned around 80,000,
or roughly 30%
of the population.
And while numbers like that
are almost impossible
to comprehend,
seeing the tattered and burned
possessions of the victims
brings home the human cost
of this indiscriminate attack.
Hiroshima is obviously a very
weighty and difficult subject,
with many schools
of historical thought.
I'm hoping
Professor Tosh Minohara,
a Japanese-American historian,
can talk me through both sides
of this very contentious coin.
If you take away
the nuclear aspect
of the attack on Hiroshima, what
we are looking at in that museum
is the commemoration of war
and the pity of war,
- which is universal, isn't it?
- Yes. Yes.
Yes, the immense human tragedy
is-is very apparent
when you go to the museum.
There's a view in the West that,
actually, Hiroshima and Nagasaki
are a sort of fig leaf for Japan
because it allows Japan to say,
"We suffered the world's
only nuclear attack...
-Yes.
- it's a terrible thing,"
and it allows them to ignore
- the terrible things Japan did.
- Yes.
- That's a prevalent view
amongst Western historians.
- Absolutely.
There's a reason why Hiroshima
and Nagasaki were both bombed.
You know, it's because Japan
instigated the war.
Uh, and you're absolutely right
to point out the fact
- that the two bombs
makes Japan a victim.
- Mm.
And this, I think, makes it
very difficult for Japan
to acknowledge the fact
that it was the aggressor.
Because it's very hard
to be the victim
and the aggressor
at the same time.
The-the most popular view,
if you look
at sort of surveys and things
in America and Europe,
is that the atomic bombs
were evil,
but they shortened the war
against a country
that wouldn't surrender,
and that would have cost
millions of casualties
- if the war had been concluded
with a land-based invasion.
- Sure, sure.
And would probably
have destroyed
the Japanese people forever.
- Yes, absolutely right.
- Is that correct?
I think... yes,
you're absolutely right.
If Japan had not surrendered
on August 15,
- the Russians
would have come down...
- Mm.
And would have taken at least
all of Northern Japan.
So, we'd have ended up
with Korea?
Absolutely. Korea on Japan.
You would have Northern Japan,
which most likely
would not be democratic,
would not be free,
and then you would have
the rest of Japan.
Could you, if you were being
very honne about it,
- Honne.
- Honne.
Say that the suffering
of Hiroshima and Nagasaki
is actually
the salvation of Japan?
That's why
they should be revered.
- Because if... Really?
- That's how I see it. Yes.
- The-the...
- Are you speaking
as an American or a...
No, I am... as a, as a scholar,
as a historian.
- Okay.
- That their death
was not in vain.
It-it did help, you know,
Japan maintain the nation
as it is today.
With my journey drawing a close,
I have to move on
from the rebuilt devastation
of Hiroshima to one
of Japan's oldest wonders.
Hello, viewers, you join us
on Miyajima, which is
one of the holiest islands
off the coast of Japan.
It is home
to the Itsukushima Shrine,
or the Itsukushima-jinja,
which is just over there,
and that, or the view
of that from the water,
is one of the three
great views of Japan,
along with Matsushima and
the sandbar outside of Kyoto.
Which we couldn't be
arsed to go and look at.
Ice cream?
This whole island
is a religious site,
with its own special rules.
No trees can be cut down
and all wildlife is sacred.
Although I think Yujiro could
use a few lessons explaining
- what wildlife actually is.
- Aww.
No, that's a cat.
- Oh, that's a cat. Sit.
- Yes.
- Sit.
- He won't sit.
- He's not, he's not a dog.
- Sit.
He's got a great face. He's
nearly... he's completely tame.
You're not really supposed
to touch them
but I can touch him.
- Yes.
- He doesn't mind.
You're not supposed
to touch them
and you're not supposed
to feed them.
Pull it out of his mouth.
- He's got it in his mouth.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, no, no. My map, my map!
He's eating my map.
I think the deer is very hungry.
- Deer, deer, deer.
- Looks...
After an awkward 45-minute wait,
Bambi eventually pooped us
the directions
to the temple complex.
This place
has inspired pilgrims,
artists and writers
for centuries.
Itsukushima.
Its-Itsukushima.
- Itsukushima.
- Itsukushima.
- Itsukushima-jinja. Yes.
- Itsukushima-jinja.
Uh, This place, um,
this jinja...
Mm-hmm?
- By the sea, was built
in the end of the 12th century
by Taira no Kiyomori,
a powerful samurai clan
back then.
- Well...
- 12th century, yes.
Is he this man in the statue
that's by the harbor?
The old man.
- Who looks a bit
like Patrick Stewart,
actually, from Star Trek.
Oh, he did?
- Yeah, he does
a little bit, yeah.
Yes, so Patrick Stewart
built this place.
Right.
- The color red is really
beautiful.
I'd call it orange, you see.
Orange?
- Is... yeah, that sort of
Shintoism orange.
-I'd say that was orange.
Would you call that red?
-Yes.
- Would you?
- Yes.
Um, from the Japanese senses,
we call this red.
'Cause I have a car
that's officially red,
but I think it's orange.
It could just be me.
I'll ask the cameramen
because they know about color.
Is this orange or red?
- Mm, orange.
- Orange. Yeah, it's orange.
I-I think, I think the cameraman
Sean is color-blind.
No, you're all wrong.
Japanese are all wrong.
They might know squat
about color...
Orange...
But who cares
about interior design
when the exterior
looks like this?
- Are you going to...
- Uh...
Well, since I'm here,
yes, I'd like
to just go down there
and have a contemplative moment
standing under the gate.
-Yes.
-Although you don't have
to come, though,
'cause I know you've been here
many times before.
- That's okay. I'll go by myself.
- Yes.
But you go and get
some ice creams.
- Oh. Can I?
- Yes.
- Good idea.
- Where do I go? This way?
Yeah. Go straight.
And don't walk in the center.
- That's the pathway of the gods.
- Yes.
Torii is the name
of the gates that stand
as entrances to shrines
across Japan,
and this may be the most
magnificent of them all.
From go-karts and pachinko
to these most ancient
of monuments,
this leg of my trip has once
again brought home
just how much breadth there is
to the Japanese experience.
I'm not gonna pretend
I understand it all yet,
but one thing I do understand
is a good bit of woodwork.
Well, it's another fabulous
example of great craftsmanship
from the world's best
woodworkers, the Japanese.
Very symbolic, as well,
and it's actually symbolic of
the great paradox that is Japan,
because that gate, and indeed,
the whole of that enormous
temple behind it,
are made entirely from wood
on an island where it's
forbidden to cut down trees.
Hmm. Anyway,
I've written a haiku.
"Ah, gate in the sea.
"What does it mean?
Way in, out?"
End of the show. Cut.
- Cue the music!
Oh, come on, we can do better
than that.
No...
No...
No...
♪ I'm on a boat and,
it's goin' fast and... ♪
I don't know what that is.
Hello, viewers,
you join me in the Pacific.
Not the HBO series,
the actual ocean.
We're heading over there
to Japan's third largest city:
Osaka.
My high-brow sociopolitical
essay on Japan
has so far seen me travel
1,000 miles
to fall off a sled...
And be crushed under the weight
of a gigantic penis.
I'm dying. Ow!
Last time, in Kyoto,
I got lost in translation...
Bim, guess what?
You just said that, you digital!
Lost my rag at Mount Fuji...
I'm having an artistic tantrum.
I've had enough of this!
- And lost all feeling
in my buttocks
for the following three days.
This time... this.
I am Ultraman!
Whoa! Whoa!
My new Japanese mates tell me
that Japanese people
in the other cities of Japan...
I mean Tokyo, obviously...
Tend to look down their noses
at the people of Osaka,
and they think they are
a bit rude,
and a bit rough-and-ready;
a bit vulgar, even.
Osaka has a reputation
for being a bit grubbier
than Tokyo.
It has a bit more crime,
a bit more litter.
I like the sound of it already.
Osaka's a busy
industrial port city
that's known as the Manchester
of the East.
It's got swagger,
a mad-fer-it nightlife,
and I can't understand
what anyone's saying.
To experience
downtown Osaka properly,
and to get a bit to eat because
I've been at sea for days,
I'm meeting my local guide,
Ha-Chan, to get a short tour.
- Hello.
- James-san.
- My name is Ha-Chandas,
nice to meet you.
- And you.
- Welcome to
Osaka, Japan, thank you.
- Thank you very, very much.
I know your name before.
I very appreciate film together,
- thank you so much.
- No-no, thank you.
- Okay!
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Me, too.
- I'm starving.
Okay.
- Can we eat?
- Sure.
- Sashimi and beer.
- Sure. Let's go.
And then, noodles.
Ha-Chan's taking me around
the bright and bonkers district
of Dotonbori to experience
the sights,
sounds, and squid.
All right, octopus.
See, I love that this is all...
Everything's sort of
- got colors and designs over it.
- Yeah, this is...
- Uh, designs.
- Rockets.
See, look at that lantern,
I love that.
So y-you're from Osaka?
Yes, 100% Osaka.
100% Osakan okonomiyaki person.
Yeah, takoyaki.
So what... Why do people in Tokyo
sort of... They look down
- on Osaka a bit and think
it's a bit...
- Mmm...
- it's a bit
below them, don't they?
- I don't know why.
I don't know.
Do you know?
Is it because this is...
I wonder if it's 'cause
this is a good time city.
This actually feels a bit like
Tokyo did 20 years ago.
It's a bit more... mad.
I mean, what's that dragon
for there?
This is
a ramen restaurant.
It's a whatta?
- Ramen. Restaurant.
- Ramen.
Ramen hangover food.
And what do they eat
in Tokyo for hangovers?
Osaka has a proud reputation
as the street food capital
of Japan, and everywhere I look,
there are mouthwatering
local delicacies.
Unfortunately, Ha-Chan
seems to have forgotten
that bit of our chat,
and keeps pointing out things
that are completely inedible.
Uh, James, stop here.
Look down.
That's very nice.
Do you know what this
looks like?
It's a pagoda.
- Osaka Castle.
- Oh, that's Osaka Castle?
This is a very famous place.
- This is a manhole cover.
- Oh, wow.
You see?
Do you actually have that
- all the time in your bag?
- Yes.
You do?
I manage to steer Ha-Chan away
from an engrossing tour
of Osaka's top 30
manhole covers.
But even I get distracted
by the bright lights and sounds
of what's round the corner.
Oh, is that pachinko?
Yeah, this is the very famous
Japanese pachinko.
Okay, lead on.
Let's go.
I do have
some sisters somewhere.
- Let's go!
- Coming! I'm coming.
Pachinko is one of Japan's
favorite games.
It's like the bastard child
of a one-armed bandit
and bagatelle.
And even though gambling's
officially pretty much
illegal in Japan,
there are around 10,000
of these pachinko parlors
across the country,
taking care to skirt
just on the right side
of the law.
This looks very, very
complicated, and it is.
Balls come out of it,
and you fire them into a slot;
it's a bit like a fruit machine,
come on the screen...
Okay?
- Uh, right.
- Again.
Oh! Look, the balls are coming!
Ooh!
I got one!
- Lucky!
Yeah, I got another one!
There you go!
Yes!
The name "pachinko"
comes from the noise
the tiny balls make
when you play.
You might just be able
to hear it.
Can you hear what I'm saying?
The racket here is incredible.
The sound man, Dan, just told me
that the noise in here
is louder than the pit lane
at Suzuka.
It's louder than
motorcycle racing.
Oh... no, yes!
Yes!
No!
So I've used up all my balls,
so I've won nothing.
- But Ha-Chan has got 14 points.
- Yes.
It's 14-nil.
- So you've got 14 balls
in there.
- Yes, yes.
Japan spends $200 billion a year
playing pachinko.
That's twice the value
of their entire
export car industry.
And just taking a look
at the prizes on offer,
you can easily see
where all that money goes.
2,000 yen gone in about...
seven minutes.
That's... well, it's about
$20.00 in American money.
And had I been any good,
look what I could have won.
I could have had...
this Hello Kitty gonk
for 540 balls.
The pillow with the train on,
and the, and the,
and the things.
And this, and a wallet,
all this.
All this could have been mine.
But before you say
"rip-u off-u",
there is a way
to see some proper returns.
We just have to do it out of
earshot of sono otoko...
Now, I just want to clear up
a few things
which I couldn't really explain
in there because of the racket.
It is true that it's illegal
to win money at pachinko,
because gambling for money
is not allowed outside
of licensed places
such as horse racing pitches.
That's why you have to win
a cuddly toy.
So you can't,
you can't win the money,
but what you can do,
on the quiet,
which is why we have to be
very discreet filming this,
is you can exchange your balls,
or your Hello Kitty,
for this ingot.
And you can change that
for money,
but you can't do it in there,
because that would be too
blatant, so you have to go...
- Where do you go?
- Over there to the money.
Let's go, shall we go?
Over there. Let's go?
Okay. Well... you go,
because I'm a gaijin.
Or a more accurate translation,
I'm a wuss.
We do have to be
a bit discreet about this,
because... it's sort of illegal
in the way...
I don't know... speeding is,
something like that.
Ah! I got...
Da-duh!
That was really ungentlemanly
- to make you do that.
- 2,000 yen.
- Oh, we've got
half our money back.
- Yes.
I realize that
that's your money,
but can we go and spend it
on street food?
Yes.
Thank God.
Ha-Chan mentioned
something earlier
called "hangover takoyaki"
which is made from
those enticing octopuses...
And yes, you can say "octopuses"
rather than "octopi."
In fact, "octopus"
is of Greek origin,
and the plural in that
is "octopodes",
so if we're using
the morphological sys...
Oh, hang on, I'm talking
over the scene.
Ha-Chan mentioned
something earlier
called "hangover takoyaki",
which is made from squid.
-Is this like a pancake?
Made with...
-Uh, no, no, no.
So what...
Yes!
Yeah, that's
a very big piece, yeah.
This is why
our local comes here.
How much does it cost?
Uh... here.
You can have a look.
Six pieces.
Hey, it's cheap as hell.
It's 400... It's like three,
three quid.
- Okini.
- Okini.
Okini, okini.
- Mmm.
- Ooh, I've got lots of fishy
bits with that.
Okay.
The fishy flakes...
they taste of
an old Japanese house.
I know that sounds like
a stupid thing to say,
but it does taste like
an old Japanese house.
This food presenter
lark is easy.
Osaka's slogan is "kuidaore!"
Meaning "ruin yourself
with food."
Although another translation is
"eat yourself bankrupt."
And just down the street,
you can certainly do that.
God, look at the price of that!
Oh, my God!
That's 70 English pounds
for a piece of beef.
For that much money,
you could buy a cow in England.
Not a very good one, but...
Kobe beef is the Bugatti Veyron
of dead animal bits;
but I wonder if their
reputedly pampered
and expensive lifestyle
is just a load
of old bullocks.
What we believe in England,
the cows live in
very special fields
- in very nice, remote areas,
beautiful grass.
- Mm-hmm.
They only eat the grass,
and people go and massage them,
and pat them on the head,
and you know,
give them a rub,
and talk to them...
- The cow is listen to the music.
- Do they?
- Yes! Jazz music.
- Oh, jazz music?
- Yeah.
- Oh, well, it should taste
excellent, then.
It's a pity it's not Kobe pig,
otherwise they'd all be
listening to Charlie Porker.
Well, I liked it.
Anyway, here it is,
Mooey Armstrong.
- Oh, my God.
- Sumimasen.
It's not very big, is it?
Excellent. Go on, then.
Tell me what it's like.
Oh, my God, it melts
in my mouth.
Really?
Is it very, very soft?
Touch of salt, here we go.
How is it?
- Very different taste.
- It's extremely nice, actually.
- Mmm.
- I never tried this 10,000
Kobe beef before.
- Really?
- Yes.
But you only live down there.
Yes, I live in this area,
but not too much this area.
Not too much to eat Kobe beef.
Because very... not so...
not so local price, right?
Expensive? Will be...
Is this the tourist price?
- Oh, is it? Oh, there you go.
- But taste is... I like it.
The Japanese rob you.
You heard it here first.
There now follows
a rather awkward encounter,
where the English
travel presenter,
thanks to copious beer-us,
misses all the signs
from his guide
that she just
wants a compliment.
- It's a great life here
actually, because...
- Mm...
it's warm, you've got the river,
you've got all the bars...
- Mm-hmm...
- you've got
the amazing lights...
- Mm-hmm...
- it's not windy...
There's all this great food...
beer, everybody seems
very cheerful and friendly
and a bit mad. It's great...
Thank you, thank you.
Yes, we recommend Osaka.
You should come to Osaka.
Filled with
great shame and dishonor
at my total lack of manners,
I agree to face the ultimate
Japanese punishment...
- a selfie.
Funny face!
Funny face!
Thank you!
Thank you so much. Yatta!
Kawaii. It is cute.
Next morning,
along with the rest of Osaka,
I'm in something
of a beer and octoballs coma.
But the crew assure me
that they have something
that'll wake me right up.
I am Ultraman!
I'm actually a children's
manga comic superhero
with martial arts powers.
Although, weirdly,
I feel more like a knob.
Now, I know
what you're all thinking,
but Nintendo
are famously litigious,
and our lawyers have
also advised us to make
no Link to official characters.
And, even if this looks
the Samus that,
to Kirby any mention of them.
I'll admit I had no idea
who Ultraman was,
but all our Japanese fixers and
our friends knew immediately.
But this sort of thing
is perfectly normal.
You dress up as
your favorite manga character
and you drive around Osaka
in a children's go-kart.
And, as you can see,
there's nothing
in the karting company's name
to bring that other property
to mind whatsoever.
They do it in Tokyo as well.
Not tourists, locals.
Unfortunately,
unlike most games,
here, you only get one life.
Crikey.
We're not going
on the expressway, are we?
I haven't got any money
for the tolls.
Given that the Japanese seem
to quite like rules and so on,
I'm surprised this is allowed.
I mean, it shouldn't be allowed
on all sorts of levels.
It's two-stroke, it's dirty,
it's actually a child's toy,
it's not really road legal
and it's silly.
It's good, isn't it?
Konnichiwa.
Domo arigato. Sumimasen.
Unintendo legal consequences
aside,
Wii may feel ridiculous,
but despite the Switch
in characters,
this is the SNES best thing
to being in that
unmentioned karting sim,
even if the lawyers
aren't Game... Boy.
This Japanese obsession
with manga comic characters
and superheroes and pocket
monsters and all the rest of it,
it's completely real.
It's not just something
we've imagined in the West.
They pervade
absolutely everything.
They're on signposts, they're
in the instruction manuals
for appliances,
they're in people's bedrooms,
they're in restaurants,
lucky cat, everywhere.
I've suddenly wondered, is it
something to do with Shintoism?
Because if you've got
millions of gods
and everything
is invested with a spirit,
then it seems perfectly
reasonable to populate the world
with lots of fictitious
little characters
that you can adopt as your own.
It's just a thought.
I know that's a bit profound
for someone dressed up
in a children's fancy dress
costume, but there it is.
A superhero's work
is never done.
Right. Where to now?
But now have a look at this.
No, not there.
Here?
Now, so far we've seen that
Osaka is the Japanese capital
of eating,
especially on the street.
It's also the capital
of bright lights, garishness,
noise, generally having a
good time and that's all great.
I can enjoy a beer
and a takoyaki
like anybody else in the world,
but it is also the font
of Japanese humor.
Down these stairs, in fact,
is a typical Osakan comedy club.
The trouble with this
is we know... we all know...
Comedy does not translate.
I mean, that's not funny.
It just isn't funny.
Although there have been
many times on this trip
where my appearance
has been met with laughter...
well, usually...
if I want to get laughs
from a Japanese audience
on purpose, I need some help.
I need a loudmouthed
ball of energy,
who, more importantly,
will gladly march towards
inevitable onstage death
at his sensei's command.
There's only one man
for the job.
My trusty Samurai "Deodorant"
from Tokyo, Yujiro.
His wife made it for you!
My God!
Earplugs on standby.
Now, the problem with this,
I think,
is that humor doesn't translate.
It's too subtle and it just...
Something that works in English
that we think is hilarious
is just banal in Japanese.
-Yeah.
-So what we did here as part
of this experiment,
we will either prove
that humor doesn't translate,
or we will surprise ourselves
and discover that it does.
I've given Yujiro a wide
selection of jokes in English,
to choose what might work best
for a Japanese audience.
Everything from chin-strokey
New Yorker satire
to absolute bottom of the
barrel Christmas cracker jokes.
Guess which he's picked.
- And the ones
you've chosen are...
- Yes.
The first one. The-the...
uh, "My Boss."
"My boss told me to have
a good day, so I went home."
-Well, I think it's funny.
-Okay, well, if you think
it's funny, that's what matters,
-'cause then we'll see
if it works in Japanese.
- Yes, I hope so, yes.
- And the second one.
- "The other day,
my wife asked me
to pass her lipstick,
"but I accidentally
passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me."
Is it funny in Japanese?
Well, uh, 80%. 80%.
- 80%. Okay.
- 80%.
It might seem like we've bombed
before we've even started,
but a lot of Japanese humor
is based on kotoba asobi,
dajare and even oyaji gag.
And, in case that wasn't enough
pressure, on the bill tonight
is also a famous veteran
Japanese double act,
Sen Saru Man, who give
some words of encouragement
for Yujiro.
Will the Japanese
be kind?
We're going to die.
Oh, my God.
They're bloody professionals
out there.
They are bloody professionals.
Oh, my gosh.
Sensing Yujiro's nerves,
I do my best
to reassure him.
If you were performing
in England...
- Yeah.
- And I was introducing you...
- Yeah.
- I would say,
"Next up, ladies and gentleman,
is the Japanese Tintin,"
and that would already
give you a head start
because you do look a bit
like Tintin, but Japanese.
- You're on.
- No, no.
- I think...
- It does.
- I think you're on.
- No, but it's a character.
- You're on, I think.
- Is it... You're on.
- What-what? Wha... what?
- They're ready.
- What... already?
- Yes.
- I-I heard it's 7:00. No?
- No, no.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
I'm suddenly getting...
I-I'm not prepared.
- You can't be prepared,
just go and tell some jokes.
Luckily for Yujiro,
I'm a dab hand
at stress management techniques.
Go... ah-ah, eh-eh, oh-oh.
For once, Yujiro seems
to be speechless.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Oh, no, there it is.
Ah, first British joke!
- Yay!
- Okay?
"Have a great day."
Okay!
Yujiro's following
the golden rule
of many big TV stars:
when things go wrong,
blame the crew.
Hey, James May!
In the interest of science,
I can't declare this experiment
a failure without testing
the other subject.
So, here's a Japanese joke
translated for you.
Mic drop.
Lead on.
You're choosing the bar.
Okay.
Whoa.
Looks like a nice shop.
Well, we can't go in a maid bar.
What? "Kuroneco,"
it's only a black cat.
- You know...
- Yeah, but they...
Y-You own cats, right?
- Yes.
- And there's cats here, too.
But they're not cats,
they're teenage girls.
- Well...
- You can't go in a maid bar.
But Master James,
seeing is believing.
You have to see
with your own eyes.
Well, I've seen them
on the street
in Tokyo
and other bits of Osaka.
- No, no, I...
- It's pervy.
No, it's not pervy,
it's not lewd.
- And they are...
- What?
They are, they are actresses.
- Black cat actresses.
- Yeah, but they're acting
a really classic male fantasy
of a French maid.
- French maid. Yeah...
- That is a strippergram.
- How's that...
- You know the word,
- you know the word cosplay?
- Yes.
- Costume play.
- Yes, I've done it.
Uh... you've done it?
- Yes.
- Then this...
- I was Ultraman.
- You were Ultraman?
- Yeah.
- Then I think
this is the shop for you.
- This is a cosplay shop.
- No, but that's pervy.
Time to call for backup
from my Japanese fixer, Mai.
Konbonwa.
- I don't believe him.
- That's pervy, isn't it?
-I think so. It is, yes.
-Really?
-There you go, it's pervy.
But the... Japan is a country
of perverts.
- Thank you.
- You see,
it's a natural...
We are natural-born perverts.
-I mean, I... this is...
Yes. Yeah... Yes.
-Okay.
-That's fine.
You're a pervert...
-Are you gonna buy me a beer?
- That...
- Yeah, but not in there.
Oh. Oh, really?
- No, come on.
- You just said yourself, Mai.
You're a Japanese woman.
It's pervy.
- Let's go in and find out...
- Yes.
I don't need
to find out.
- how pervy it is.
- You've just told me its pervy.
- No...
- I can see from the sign...
- They are nice,
nice, nice, nice...
- No, I will never work ag...
- nice black cat, nice woman.
- This...
- Yes. I'm pushing you in.
- I'm only doing this
'cause Mai is here, okay?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Jesus, that's terrible.
- You can't do that.
- Why?
- They are black cats.
- It's pervy.
- You know, black cats.
- It's pervy.
No, no, no.
Konbanwa.
Konbanwa.
Okay, have a seat.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
I think there's...
- Hey, James.
- Run for it.
It's pervy.
Hey, James. James!
Our legal team would like
to point out that this sort
of café is common in Japan
and completely harmless.
All girls in the maid café are
over 18 and excellent dusters.
On the plus side, I had
a lovely drink out with Mai.
She made me take her
to a Boy Scout bar.
After last night,
I've put Yujiro on a strict ban
on anything pervy.
So, for my last day in Osaka,
he's taking me
to a local university.
We are in one of the greatest
universities in Osaka.
It's called
the Kinki University.
- Is it really?
- Yeah. Kinki University,
Kindai University.
We the Japanese call it
Kinki University.
- Kinki University. Okay.
- Yeah.
We're gonna go... we're
going-going, we're gonna go
the, uh, the sumo training.
- Sumo?
- Yeah. We're gonna be
sumo wrestlers.
The Kinki sumo wrestlers
are one of the top
university teams in Japan.
We arrive just as they appear
to be performing
a scene from The Sumo Centipede.
It's very interesting, sumo,
because wrestling in the West
- is theatre, really,
we all know that.
- Mm.
But wrestling here is serious,
isn't it?
Of course. I-It's partially
a Shinto ritual, too,
originally, for, you know,
fertility and a good harvest,
- good rice...
- To entertain the gods.
Absolutely, so even if you win,
you're not allowed
to express like that...
Like American fighter...
- That's totally banned. Yeah.
- None of that "whoo!" stuff.
- No, you can't do that.
- Yeah, no American stuff here.
- Just a... Yeah.
- Absolutely.
Despite sumo's modesty
and reserve,
underpants notwithstanding,
the sport does have an
extremely high drop-out rate.
Again, underpants
notwithstanding.
Japan's top sumo stables
will soon pick
the best of these
young wrestlers.
And to be in with a chance,
they're going to need strength,
dedication,
and massive balls of steel.
Are you ready for big time?
I mean, we're gonna...
We're gonna actually
do the training today
with the sumo wrestlers.
- You're gonna...
- No, we're not.
What do you mean we are not?
- You and I together.
- I'm not. You can.
No, no, but we-we...
we do it together.
- No.
- What do you mean, no?
I'm not going to wear
one of those on television.
It's not fair on the viewers.
The following sequence
contains scenes
some viewers may find
disturbing.
My-my crotch is
as tight as hell.
Yeah.
Sorry, I thought that
was the sound
of Yujiro snapping.
After Yujiro successfully
psychs out
and intimidates his opponent
with the pre-match exercises...
it's time for a bout.
The rules are straightforward.
To win, avoid getting
knocked over,
and don't get pushed out
of the ring.
Round one.
Whoa!
Noble effort.
Yeah, do.
Go on, Yujiro, go on!
Grab his waistband
and give him a big wedgie.
Wedgie! Wedgie! Pull.
Oh, watch it, I think
you're about to pop out.
He's the manager.
Well done.
Thank you, my master.
Very impressive and admirable
and stupid.
You have, however, brought
great shame on your master
by losing every bout
in under six seconds.
- Yujiro took an urgent
leave of absence after that
to buy hemorrhoid cream,
so I struck out on my own.
Before leaving Osaka,
there's one last bit
of important culinary culture
to experience.
I would like to take
a few moments out
to talk about wasabi,
which is that little blob
of green stuff you get
on the side of your plate
in a Japanese restaurant.
It is native to Japan.
Its scientific name is
wasaba japonica.
And when it's growing,
this is what it looks like.
Now, we think of it
as a flavoring.
Historically, it was more
of a disinfectant, if you like.
Before the days of rapid
transport and refrigeration,
you put the wasabi
on the raw fish
to prevent bacteria
from growing.
Now, rumor has it,
in Osaka especially,
that if a restaurant doesn't
like the cut of your jib...
If, for example, you're a bit
of a loudmouth gaijin...
They might overdo the wasabi
to blow your head off
and teach you a lesson.
And this leads rather neatly
to the game of
wasabi roulette.
You will need
a willing opponent...
In this case, Mai...
A plate of salmon sushi.
One of them has been laced
with the weapons-grade wasabi.
So take it in turns
to eat a piece,
and the loser...
Well, it's to the death,
basically.
This ended up taking
about 25 minutes,
with nothing happening.
And two people just sitting
eating sushi
turned out to be
far less gripping
than we'd thought.
That's remarkable.
If you think this is fixed
in some way, it isn't.
We are down to the last two.
- Itadakimasu.
- Itadakimasu.
Oh, no.
Seriously?
Lots.
Well, I've lost.
Shall we just cut?
- No.
- No.
Okay, are you all running...
Itadakimasu.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Oh, you'll need some...
Hai, have some water.
Hai, hai, hai.
Whoa.
Yo, I am... I'm crying.
What's the Japanese
for "you bastard"?
Kids, just say no.
So, wincingly,
it's time to leave Osaka
as we carry on south.
The crew's taking their
camera equipment by car,
but I've decided to enjoy
one of Japan's
iconic bullet trains,
and film everything myself,
like a trendy vlogger.
I have a silly enough
haircut for it.
Audio is on the...
That's just Dan,
our Belgian sound man,
mic-ing me up.
So, prepare yourselves, viewers,
for Emmy Award-winning
cinematography like this.
And this.
Still going?
Wow, Japanese Shinkansen
station.
As opposed to a French
Shinkanden station.
- Konnichiwa.
- Konnichiwa.
Oh, bloody hell.
The symbol is something like
two Mexicans fighting
over a broken television,
followed by another television
on a sledge,
and a square tree.
Beautiful trains.
I've treated myself
to the posh carriage,
which is currently
being cleaned.
Obviously, because it's Japan,
and it hasn't been cleaned
for the last 20 seconds.
Oh, I thought we were gonna
get East Enders then.
Wonder if that jingle was
written by our jingle man.
This is wonderful.
You get on the train,
and exactly on time
it just whooshes away.
- No stupid announcements
or anything.
There's one there.
We think of these trains
as being incredibly modern.
The first one ran
when I was one year old,
and I'm ancient now.
I take back what I said
about announcements.
This one's unlikely to finish
by the time we get there.
Please do not attempt to get off
the train whilst it's moving.
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Oh, God.
Welcome to the Shinkansen.
This is a Mizuho superexpress,
bound for Kagoshima Chuo.
Unfortunately, as this shot
of me walking out
of Okayama station suggests,
the crew caught up with me.
And despite it being my day
off, they're adamant I film
a single piece about
the region's mythical guardian,
of whom there's a statue outside
with nothing amusing about
its design whatsoever.
Action.
Okay, I'm ready.
No, I can do it,
I can do it. Right.
Right, I'm ready.
This is Momotaro.
He's a local folk hero.
According to legend,
an old lady...
- That was so close.
- So close.
He's known...
I'm not sure I can do it.
Sorry, I'll do it again.
This is Momotaro.
He's a local folk hero.
And let me see if I can remember
the story correctly.
There was an old woman
who was out by the river,
and she saw a big peach
floating past.
So she picked it up
and took it home.
But when she cut it in half,
she found this small boy inside.
And the small boy went off,
and he made friends with a dog,
a monkey, a pheasant
and a pigeon,
and then somehow,
with their help,
defeated all the ogres
who were threatening the city.
And why is his penis
out to one side?
While I recover,
the crew buy time
with arty focus pulls
of pinecones.
We've come to Koraku-en,
a garden completed in 1700
by Ikida Tsunamasa, the local
feudal lord at the time.
I can see why formal gardens are
so important to the Japanese,
even if you've only got a space
the size of half
a ping-pong table.
Because the cities
are fantastic,
but they're a barrage
of noise and lights
and jingles and Hello Kitty
and Shinkansen
and okonomiyaki and Yujiro
and all the rest of it,
and you have to be able
to find somewhere
where you can just be at peace,
and here it is.
Rather than just bung together
a few nice flowers
and a fountain
of a small boy urinating,
Tsunamasa-san decided to depict
Japan in miniature,
through the medium of plants.
That hill over there,
obviously, is Mt. Fuji,
but the buildings represent
things like full-size temples,
full-size palaces.
The lakes and the ponds,
they represent
full-size lakes in Japan.
It's a way of sort of
experiencing
the beauty of the whole country
in a short walk 'round a park.
I mean, most people would
just have a train set
or something like that,
but you know.
For over three centuries,
generations of gardeners
have manicured this place into
a state of zen-like perfection.
Here, for example...
These people are restringing
this bamboo fence.
This has to be done every year,
painstakingly by hand,
using the twine and a special
Japanese knot.
Or, as they call it, a knot.
This man has been raking
this gravel garden
continuously for the past
45 years.
He's still an apprentice.
He's been doing it so long,
the prongs on his rake
have completely worn away.
A flash of cold steel,
the flower of Japan falls
to cries of "bonsai!"
But I'm not here to bask in the
beauty of a well-trimmed bush.
I want to experience something
the Japanese have been
masters of for over 1,000 years.
And Yujiro's joining me,
having finally regained
the ability to sit down.
You join me at a very
contemplative moment.
Kai Hattasan here is
a Zen meditation sensei,
and I've got no idea what to do.
I've never done anything
like this before.
Migi over hidari.
- Oh! Good.
- Very good.
Okay.
- I won't be able to do that.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, shoot.
I can't do that.
Okay, so left... so migi
under there and hidari...
I can do that, yes.
To be more concrete,
inhale in four seconds
and exhale in five seconds.
As long as you have your body
position in the correct order
and you're, uh,
breathing in the right way
then, your heart will be...
- Released in... Oh.
- Sorry.
The director.
Right, where were we?
Okay.
To enter a blissful state,
I try to clear my mind
of unnecessary,
intrusive thoughts.
It's interesting; it's very
relaxing and very peaceful,
but the trouble is,
it gives you a good opportunity
to think about other things,
so it's very difficult
to not think of anything.
- Ah...
- So I was actually thinking
about laundry at one point,
'cause I've run out of pants.
That was all fascinating
and something
I've never done before.
It's interesting
to learn about it.
I'd like to leave you
with this final thought.
Oh, for Shinto's sake.
I'm leaving Okayama behind,
heading towards the southern
tip of Japan's main island,
Honshu.
As I drive through
the ancient valleys
flecked with paddy fields
and sleepy villages,
it's hard to imagine
I'm about to visit a place
that changed
the modern world forever.
This is Hiroshima.
It's a very wealthy
and, for obvious reasons,
very modern Japanese city.
I bet when I said Hiroshima,
the first thing
that came into your minds
was not
the Mazda car company,
for example;
it was atomic warfare.
We all know the details.
The bomb dropped
on August 6, 1945,
right here,
where now stands a park,
and at its heart, the Hiroshima
Peace Memorial Museum.
Now, I realize this is going to
seem like a rather weighty topic
for a travel show
full of lighthearted larks,
but the fact is,
you cannot come to Hiroshima
and not visit
the atom bomb memorial park.
Not least because
it's extremely well done.
And you can't come
to the atom bomb memorial park
without addressing this rather
thorny and delicate subject,
so I'm afraid
that's what we're going to do.
Other TV shows are available.
No one knows for sure
how many people died,
but it's reckoned around 80,000,
or roughly 30%
of the population.
And while numbers like that
are almost impossible
to comprehend,
seeing the tattered and burned
possessions of the victims
brings home the human cost
of this indiscriminate attack.
Hiroshima is obviously a very
weighty and difficult subject,
with many schools
of historical thought.
I'm hoping
Professor Tosh Minohara,
a Japanese-American historian,
can talk me through both sides
of this very contentious coin.
If you take away
the nuclear aspect
of the attack on Hiroshima, what
we are looking at in that museum
is the commemoration of war
and the pity of war,
- which is universal, isn't it?
- Yes. Yes.
Yes, the immense human tragedy
is-is very apparent
when you go to the museum.
There's a view in the West that,
actually, Hiroshima and Nagasaki
are a sort of fig leaf for Japan
because it allows Japan to say,
"We suffered the world's
only nuclear attack...
-Yes.
- it's a terrible thing,"
and it allows them to ignore
- the terrible things Japan did.
- Yes.
- That's a prevalent view
amongst Western historians.
- Absolutely.
There's a reason why Hiroshima
and Nagasaki were both bombed.
You know, it's because Japan
instigated the war.
Uh, and you're absolutely right
to point out the fact
- that the two bombs
makes Japan a victim.
- Mm.
And this, I think, makes it
very difficult for Japan
to acknowledge the fact
that it was the aggressor.
Because it's very hard
to be the victim
and the aggressor
at the same time.
The-the most popular view,
if you look
at sort of surveys and things
in America and Europe,
is that the atomic bombs
were evil,
but they shortened the war
against a country
that wouldn't surrender,
and that would have cost
millions of casualties
- if the war had been concluded
with a land-based invasion.
- Sure, sure.
And would probably
have destroyed
the Japanese people forever.
- Yes, absolutely right.
- Is that correct?
I think... yes,
you're absolutely right.
If Japan had not surrendered
on August 15,
- the Russians
would have come down...
- Mm.
And would have taken at least
all of Northern Japan.
So, we'd have ended up
with Korea?
Absolutely. Korea on Japan.
You would have Northern Japan,
which most likely
would not be democratic,
would not be free,
and then you would have
the rest of Japan.
Could you, if you were being
very honne about it,
- Honne.
- Honne.
Say that the suffering
of Hiroshima and Nagasaki
is actually
the salvation of Japan?
That's why
they should be revered.
- Because if... Really?
- That's how I see it. Yes.
- The-the...
- Are you speaking
as an American or a...
No, I am... as a, as a scholar,
as a historian.
- Okay.
- That their death
was not in vain.
It-it did help, you know,
Japan maintain the nation
as it is today.
With my journey drawing a close,
I have to move on
from the rebuilt devastation
of Hiroshima to one
of Japan's oldest wonders.
Hello, viewers, you join us
on Miyajima, which is
one of the holiest islands
off the coast of Japan.
It is home
to the Itsukushima Shrine,
or the Itsukushima-jinja,
which is just over there,
and that, or the view
of that from the water,
is one of the three
great views of Japan,
along with Matsushima and
the sandbar outside of Kyoto.
Which we couldn't be
arsed to go and look at.
Ice cream?
This whole island
is a religious site,
with its own special rules.
No trees can be cut down
and all wildlife is sacred.
Although I think Yujiro could
use a few lessons explaining
- what wildlife actually is.
- Aww.
No, that's a cat.
- Oh, that's a cat. Sit.
- Yes.
- Sit.
- He won't sit.
- He's not, he's not a dog.
- Sit.
He's got a great face. He's
nearly... he's completely tame.
You're not really supposed
to touch them
but I can touch him.
- Yes.
- He doesn't mind.
You're not supposed
to touch them
and you're not supposed
to feed them.
Pull it out of his mouth.
- He's got it in his mouth.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, no, no. My map, my map!
He's eating my map.
I think the deer is very hungry.
- Deer, deer, deer.
- Looks...
After an awkward 45-minute wait,
Bambi eventually pooped us
the directions
to the temple complex.
This place
has inspired pilgrims,
artists and writers
for centuries.
Itsukushima.
Its-Itsukushima.
- Itsukushima.
- Itsukushima.
- Itsukushima-jinja. Yes.
- Itsukushima-jinja.
Uh, This place, um,
this jinja...
Mm-hmm?
- By the sea, was built
in the end of the 12th century
by Taira no Kiyomori,
a powerful samurai clan
back then.
- Well...
- 12th century, yes.
Is he this man in the statue
that's by the harbor?
The old man.
- Who looks a bit
like Patrick Stewart,
actually, from Star Trek.
Oh, he did?
- Yeah, he does
a little bit, yeah.
Yes, so Patrick Stewart
built this place.
Right.
- The color red is really
beautiful.
I'd call it orange, you see.
Orange?
- Is... yeah, that sort of
Shintoism orange.
-I'd say that was orange.
Would you call that red?
-Yes.
- Would you?
- Yes.
Um, from the Japanese senses,
we call this red.
'Cause I have a car
that's officially red,
but I think it's orange.
It could just be me.
I'll ask the cameramen
because they know about color.
Is this orange or red?
- Mm, orange.
- Orange. Yeah, it's orange.
I-I think, I think the cameraman
Sean is color-blind.
No, you're all wrong.
Japanese are all wrong.
They might know squat
about color...
Orange...
But who cares
about interior design
when the exterior
looks like this?
- Are you going to...
- Uh...
Well, since I'm here,
yes, I'd like
to just go down there
and have a contemplative moment
standing under the gate.
-Yes.
-Although you don't have
to come, though,
'cause I know you've been here
many times before.
- That's okay. I'll go by myself.
- Yes.
But you go and get
some ice creams.
- Oh. Can I?
- Yes.
- Good idea.
- Where do I go? This way?
Yeah. Go straight.
And don't walk in the center.
- That's the pathway of the gods.
- Yes.
Torii is the name
of the gates that stand
as entrances to shrines
across Japan,
and this may be the most
magnificent of them all.
From go-karts and pachinko
to these most ancient
of monuments,
this leg of my trip has once
again brought home
just how much breadth there is
to the Japanese experience.
I'm not gonna pretend
I understand it all yet,
but one thing I do understand
is a good bit of woodwork.
Well, it's another fabulous
example of great craftsmanship
from the world's best
woodworkers, the Japanese.
Very symbolic, as well,
and it's actually symbolic of
the great paradox that is Japan,
because that gate, and indeed,
the whole of that enormous
temple behind it,
are made entirely from wood
on an island where it's
forbidden to cut down trees.
Hmm. Anyway,
I've written a haiku.
"Ah, gate in the sea.
"What does it mean?
Way in, out?"
End of the show. Cut.