James May: Our Man in Italy (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Bye, Bim - full transcript

Grrr. No presents for you,
you little.

This time on Il Nostro Uomo in Italia,

flying low...

We're now only about 80 feet

from that mountain, rather alarmingly.

…playing with dough...

Cute/creepy.

…and look out below.

If you're thinking
of taking up woodcarving,

remember always
to cut towards your own penis.

♪ ♪



Ciao, gente,

and welcome to the final installment
of our Italian opus.

We're getting very close
to the top of Italy, and you can tell.

I've become fat,
my car is full of all sorts of junk.

What is there? There's clothing,

there are two coats in there,
a rucksack, another rucksack.

I-I don't know whose that is.

Uh, everything really, except my phone
charging cable, which is in the hotel.

With my Panda packed with more
meaningless crap than TikTok,

the last thing I need is more stuff.

So let's go shopping.

♪ ♪

What you're about
to see is what happens

when the least fashionable man
in Europe



arrives in the most fashionable city
in Europe.

Well, viewers, I'm afraid
this moment simply had to come.

I've been through Sicily,
I've been through the toe,

the heel and the instep of Italy,
the ankle bone,

the lace eyelet and the shinpad.

But now we are in Milan, the...

Style Centre of the World

...and I'm required to go shopping.

Some people here think
that my appearance can be improved.

Milan is at the top of Italy's femur,

near the impending hip replacement.

It's home to 1.4 million people,

numerous fashion houses,
and, unfortunately for me,

a pair of personal stylists
called Nicola and Elena.

So you have one hour
to make me... transform me

into a stylish Italian man
from a stylish English man.

- Okay.
- Yes. We thought, uh...

I think you have to change your shirt.

- It's quite old. And it's not...
- Old?

- Yeah, there was a hole.
- 18 years old.

- Hole?
- Hole, yeah.

- Yes, it's got a hole in it.
It has character.
- Oh, no.

- Maybe.
- Maybe.

- All right, fine.
- Yeah.

Now, it might surprise you,

but I've never needed
a personal shopper before

as I've always had a good idea

of what's what in the world
of what's hot and what's not.

- I like this.
- No.

Oh, no, no.

- Why not? I think this is fantastic!
- Not elegant.

No.

- So, that's kind of...
- No.

- Those are quite nice.
- No! No, no, no, no.
- Dark gray.

- No, no, no.
- No.
- No?

- What about that?
- No.

I'll tell you what.
Why don't you go and find things

that you think are right for me?
I will go and choose some things

that I think are right for me.

And then we can compare,
and then you can laugh at them.

- Okay, right.
- Okay, perfect.
- Okay. Right.

In three, two, one... go.

That's more like it. A nice cuddly jummy.

This is 48.

No, he's more like 50, him...

Come on. That's quite cool.

Or is it a bit… is it a bit Grandpa?

On the other hand,
white accentuates his, erm...

- His belly.
- Mm.

Oh.

Let's see how tight...

Rather tight.

But he doesn't have big legs,
I don't think?

It's sort of knitted camouflage. What?

It's got a bad face from Tom.

- Okay.
- So this one will go with that...

Jacket, this one.

First on the catwalk...
No, it's not tighty-whities,

but modelling this season's
Giacomo di Maggio, it's me.

- Oh. It's…
- Oh, my God.

The first look fusing
urban street and tea cozy chic.

- Good?
- No.
- Not good.

Next up,
I'm pairing mustard with milk.

- There?
- Oh. Oh, my God.

- No yellow. No!
- Yellow.

- For your skin, for your eyes.
- You're like… You're...

- Yellow...
- No.

But also, your face is yellow.

- My face is yellow?
- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah. No good.
- Yeah.

My autumn winter collection is
getting something of a frosty reception.

Here we go with green again.

- That's a no, isn't it?
- No.

Right, I've run out of clothes to show
you now, you'll be delighted to know.

Can I see your selections, please?

- Oh, yes, um...
- Our selection, I think, is better.

- Oh. Very nice.
- Nice.

- Good?
- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

- He's coming. Oh.
- Oh.

Right. It's very cool.

- Very nice.
- They know what they are doing,
don't they? That's really annoying.

I'm so curious.

Me too.

Oh.

- Amazing.
- That's good.

- Mm.
- It's good.

- Hi.
- Italian man.

I'm going to have to admit, after years
of being very cynical and sniffy

about personal shopping
and all that,

you may have a point.

Uh, molto grazie.

I shall now put my pink

and purple-striped rugby shirt
of doom back on,

and we'll, um, go for lunch,
everybody, yes?

- Yep.
- Excellent.

Nicola and Elena were over the moon
I liked their style choices.

Anyone would think they were
on commission or something.

Now, this region is Lombardy,

the birthplace of Virgil,
Pliny the Elder, Pope John XXIII

and Gorgonzola cheese.

"Lombardy" roughly
translates as "long beard."

"Distinguished goatee" also acceptable.

A cardinal's hat is all right
and all that, but a beretta is better.

Now, the beretta in that little ditty,
origin uncertain, refers, of course,

to another type of hat.

It's a sort of pointy cornered hat
worn by the Catholic clergy.

Whereas this
is the headquarters of Beretta,

the world's oldest manufacturer of guns.

So the cardinal's hat
is not one he would doff,

but with an over and under,
I could shoot it clean off.

With nearly 500 years of gun-making
expertise under their holsters,

Beretta have supplied arms
for every major European war since 1650,

and a Beretta is often Hollywood's pistol
of choice in films such as Lethal Weapon,

Lethal Weapon 2, 3 and 4.

But today, I'm looking for something
a bit more sporting.

These are the…
the bespoke firearms of Beretta.

These are handmade
by people in aprons with files,

and there are some lathes, as well,

and there's a lot of woodworking
and polishing. It's all just...

It's everything you expect
about something Italian.

It's functional,
and it's beautiful at the same time.

The Beretta family have been overseeing
production for 15 generations.

Here's their latest model,
the Franco Beretta...

also known as the CEO.

The thing I really like about shotguns…
Well, there's two things.

One is that it-it combines two things
I really like: metalwork and woodwork.

So it's very exciting.

The shotguns are beautiful,

- but the components are beautiful, as well.
- - Yeah.

Can we look at some of these?

- Sure. Sure.
- I don't want to disturb

these men at work.

These are ateliers,
craftsmen of the highest order.

If you're in the market
for a handmade firearm, it'll cost you

an arm and a leg.

Or they will accept £100,000.

And, uh, this is a characteristic.

- It is a side lock that opens up.
- Oh.

- So, uh...
- I've never seen that.

That is spectac...
Can I see that again?

- So I simply press close?
- Sure. Yeah, yeah.

And then to open, donk!

There it is. There is the side lock
mechanism in there.

Normally, you would take a plate off to
get to the… to the action to maintain it,

lubricate it, and so on,
but this has been designed

so that it sort of pops open
like Thunderbirds.

Fabulous. Grazie mille.

Whoa. Right. What's next? Wood?

- We go to the wood?
- Yeah, let's look at some wood.

Over the last five and a bit episodes,

I've been battered almost unconscious
by all this incredible Italian artistry,

and I've reached a conclusion.

Do you think the whole world
secretly wants to be Italian?

Maybe.

Only the Italian
don't want to be Italian.

Is that right? Why is that?
Are they fed up with it?

Yeah, because somehow,
it's the most beautiful place to visit,

but to live, sometimes,
it's kind of complicated,

- but, uh, with all our accounts...
- It is complicated.

Yeah, it's complicated because,
on one…. on a very high level,

it's disorganized,

but at a… at the minute level,

like this, where you're making something,

- it's extremely well sorted out
and organized.
- Yeah.

♪ ♪

Once all these beautifully
handcrafted components are assembled,

they're often bought by people
with arguably more money than taste,

and the highly-skilled engravers have
to produce designs like this, or worse.

- If I was
a very wealthy customer…
- Yeah.

…could I ask for a shotgun
to be engraved

- with my own face, or…?
- Absolutely.

Most of the requests
are either a hunting scene,

but then, there is some customer

that they really like something
like themself.

Each request for us is a challenge,
and we like challenges.

And speaking of challenges,

there's an Olympian-shaped one
waiting for me

out on the shooting range.

This is Silvana. Buon giorno...
Buonasera, I should say.

Uh, she's part of the Italian
national trapshooting team,

and she competed
at the Olympics in Tokyo.

So we're going to have a first to ten...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...competition?

Let's do it.

Yes, viewers,
shooting is yet another sport

the Italians are really good at,

topping the medal table
at the Rio Olympics

and producing multiple world champions.

Pull.

Mind you,
I wasn't available for Rio.

Pull.

As I said earlier, a Beretta is better.
And they make even an amateur

look really good.

- Does the "err" mean you've missed?
- - Means missed, yes.

"Err" means missed?

Pull.

Pull.

All right.

- What's the score?
- 9-3.

Right, so I've got to hit everything

and you've got to miss everything.

♪ ♪

Pull.

Pull.

And not for the first time,
England lose to Italy

in a shoot-out.

But anyway, this is actually
just a ruse so I can address

some unfinished business.

Okay, you've won. Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- There's just one more
special target for me.

- Is that okay?
- Okay.

Bim, guess what?

Shija-Ohashi is a bridge
representative of Kyoto...

that crosses the Kamo River
over Shijo Street.

I thought
it was called Gion-bashi.

Now, viewers, as you well know by now,
I'm like a kid in a sweetshop

if I can get stuck
into making something.

Unfortunately, Tom the director
has taken that quite literally.

This is the world's epicenter of nougat.

If you're lucky enough not to have
been affected by nougat before,

here's what it is.

This is Italian nougat.

It's a special traditional sweet.

It is made with whipped white eggs,

honey and a lot of roasted almonds.

Now in my own personal
confectioner's coat,

it was time to get hands-on.

We know from my experience
making pizza...

- Stick to your hands.
- ...that things stick to my hands, yes.

Have we got lots of material
for this episode?

'Cause we can, we can spin this out a bit.

And spin it out we did.

On the way in, those almonds did say
that they liked my new shoes,

but that's 'cause they were
complimentary nuts.

Ha, ha, ha.

They also make nougat cakes
weighing a mere four kilos,

which they adorn with nuts
and marzipan fruits.

Try to shape it in a round way.

I decided to make a snowman...

That looks slightly sinister.

...who was less Frosty...

It is still cute.

...more Abominable.

Cute/creepy.

Now, I know
what you're thinking, viewers,

how on earth do you top that?

Well, nearby is a town
that only allows visitors

in new Italian jumpers.

This is Cremona.

It's a rather unassuming town,

roughly east-southeast of Milan.

But it did produce
two famous families, two dynasties,

the Amatis and the Stradivaris,
and they grew to prominence

as makers of stringed musical instruments,
most particularly violins.

So what we are going to do next
is something that combines

two things I really love:
violin playing and woodwork.

Two things, actually,
that the crew find rather boring.

It's possible you will find this

sort of thing boring as well,
but to be honest,

I'm almost 59 years old
and I really don't give a f...

Cremona is the spiritual home
of the violin,

and there are still around 160 workshops
making them to this day.

That's roughly one
for every 462 residents,

and here's one called Alessandro
practicing right now.

♪ ♪

Bravo. Fantastic.

May I touch it?

This is a new violin?

It's a new violin, 2020.

New violin made here,

and it is a thing
of fragile, aching beauty...

Actually, it's not really
particularly fragile,

they are strong as hell,
but everything about that shape

is the way it is
for purely pragmatic reasons.

The cutouts for the bow,
the swollen belly of the instrument,

for strength and resonance,
the shininess of the varnish,

all of it is about music,
not actually art,

and yet i-it's just fantastic.

The apogee of woodworking
is musical instrument making,

and the apogee of woodworking
and musical instrument making

is violin making.

It's pure, it's Pythagorean
in its function.

It is possibly one of the most
important things ever created.

It's amazing.

An original Stradivarius violin

can set you back around £16 million.

Look at me, James. Slow.

But local luthiers
Marco and Vincenzo

can knock you up a more affordable model
for just 16,000.

Slow, slow,

because the wood is fragile.

You're talking to the right man.

Oh, you can feel it submitting.

Yes, yes, we all know I love wood.

But did you know
of my keen interest in plane spotting?

Ooh, that's a very tiny plane.

If you saw this lying around,
you'd think,

"Oh, that's fallen off
somebody's charm bracelet."

Here we are.

That is a plane.

Bit of a bugger to sharpen, I reckon.

That is a plane, and that is also a plane.

That is exquisite.

Anyway, back to the violin.

The swirly bit at the top
of the violin is the scroll,

which serves no real purpose
other than to look good

and show off the skills of the maker,

which, right now, is me.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Wow.

- Wonderful, wonderful.
- Leave that in the edit.

The master violin maker
looked at my handiwork

and said, "That's wonderful."

Leave that in.
You can delete the rest of the program.

That doesn't matter,
but leave that bit in, okay?

- Yes, yeah, yeah.
- Good, good.

How long does it take to make one violin
if you just make it by yourself?

200 hours.

200 hours,

all by hand.

That's amazing.

Well, there you are, freshly strung,
the Bissolotti Stradivarius model.

That's the original man back there.

It's absolutely fantastic.

Shall we see what it sounds like?

No, because the player
has gone home.

Okay, it, then.

The following morning,
mia Panda and I leave Lombardy

to head northeast into the Veneto region,

famous for baroque composer
Antonio Vivaldi,

Valpolicella
and the floating city of Venice.

Oh, hang on, the car
is not gonna work there, is it?

Luckily, there are alternatives.

♪ ♪

There's nothing quite like taking in
Antonio's hometown from the air,

in your own private helicopter
with a 30-piece orchestra in the boot.

The thing that still really
amazes me about Venice

is that it shouldn't really be here.

It was only established
because people from the mainland

were fleeing all the hordes of vagabonds

that emerged after the collapse
of the Roman Empire.

They went out to live on the mud
because they thought nobody

would bother them,
and then they ended up with this.

Incredibly, the city rests
on 1.1 million logs,

which the settlers had lopped down
and lugged back from Eastern Europe.

By the 13th century,
Venice's strategic position

made it a major trading port
and, consequently,

the richest and most powerful
city-state in the world.

This place was so rich,

that some people gilded
the outside of their houses.

The density of
historical interest in Venice

far outstrips that
of any other historic city.

In 20 meters,
you've got the stuff of ten PhDs.

It's incredible.

No one expects you to have
your own helicopter, though.

Most people travel to Venice
by boat from the mainland

via the Grand Canal,

but by far the best way
to explore is on foot.

Allow me to demonstrate.

I am currently here on the bridge
near the railway station,

and I'm gonna take a walk through Venice.

Now, I'm not gonna use this map,
and before you suggest it,

no, I'm not gonna use
my smartphone, either,

because when you're down
these narrow streets,

it really doesn't work properly.

I know that if I head
roughly in that direction,

I will eventually get to the Rialto,
which is a great landmark,

and then the massive basilica
with four horses outside it

and a huge tower next door.

It's an opportunity to get a bit lost,
wander around the small streets of Venice

and have an adventure.

Let's do that.

Wrong way!

I know.

Venice is known as one of
the most romantic cities in the world

by people who don't have
a film crew in tow.

Uh, let me just orientate myself.

So, over the bridge,
Saint Mark's is roughly there.

We can have a nice walk
alongside this canal

and then choose an attractive bridge
to cross over again.

This way.

Called the "City of Bridges,"

Venice has 435.

That's 11 fewer than Pittsburgh,

which is also called
"the City of Bridges."

Now, I know I'm just a dewy-eyed tourist,
but crossing this little bridge

is better than going over
a zebra crossing, isn't it?

It's just nicer.

Even the graffiti here is a bit classy.

Well, most of it.

Now I've got a bit of a choice here,
because there's that one,

and some people have just gone down it,
but it looks a little bit murdery to me.

Or this one.

At the moment, they're both
going in the same direction.

I think it's this one.

Let's go.

Ah, you see, there's some
traditional Venetian laundry.

Hang on a minute.

Right. I told you it wasn't this one.

Let's try the other one.

- Could it be one that the people went down?
- Yeah, could be.

Top tip for wandering
around Venice like a half-wit,

if you end up suspiciously alone,

you're probably going the wrong way.

Because the right way
always has some people on it.

I'm assuming that is actually
a venetian blind.

Like every other venetian blind
in the world, it's slightly broken.

After two hours, I finally make it
to the famous Ponte di Rialto,

named after its architect
Antonio da Ponte.

You see, it's easy.
There are signposts everywhere.

"In sooth, I know not why I am so sad.

It wearies me; you say it wearies you.

But what stuff 'tis made of
and whereof 'tis born

I am to learn, and such
a want-wit sadness makes of me

I have much ado to know myself,"
et cetera.

So, there you go,
I've successfully made it

to Saint Mark's Basilica,
so this is Saint Mark's Square.

After walking each of Venice's
labyrinthine passages

at least three times over,

I am, as the locals might say,
molto knackeredo.

Luckily, there's a taxi rank nearby.

Now, I've been on taxi rides

through some pretty incredible cities
in the world, like New York, Paris,

Kolkata, Tokyo, and they were good.

But this is better.

As stunning as it is,
Venice has been in economic decline

since the 17th century,
and its future is uncertain.

It's falling to bits,
it's supposedly sinking,

it costs a huge amount of money
to maintain.

Most significantly, though,
is the population.

In my lifetime, it has halved,

and the Venetians that remain here
despise the tourist trade.

Venice, all three square miles of it,

attracts a staggering
25 million tourists a year,

outnumbering the locals 500 to one.

Until recently, up to 6,000 tourists
arrived per day on cruise ships,

so, understandably,
many remaining residents...

like the one I've just boat-napped...

feel their home is being
treated like Disneyland.

You are a true Venetian.

Yeah, one of the last.

We are now, like, uh, 50,000.

The problem seems
to me, that, obviously,

Venice was once the most
powerful place on Earth,

but its reason for existence now
is to be Venice.

It can't...

Is that an unkind thing to...
You looked cross there

- when I said...
- Yeah. Yeah.

T-The... Venice, um,

the Venetian in this period,
uh, living on tourism.

Does the tourism annoy you?

What was your view
on the cruise ships, for example?

We should point out,
in case you don't know,

cruise ships came here
for many, many years

and moored right in the Lagoon.

But then there was a decision taken
to ban them.

I don't like t-the cruise ships,

but I understand that a lot of persons

are living on that type of tourism.

If Venice isn't
sustained by tourist dollars,

how will it sustain itself?

Because I know it's a very, very expensive

- maintenance and upkeep job. So...
- Yeah, this is the point.

This is the point. It's really hard, uh,

to find a job in the city
and don't work with tourists.

Well, you hear this everywhere:

"Oh, it's so touristy."
And here I am, a tourist,

promoting tourism.

Perhaps I'm the enemy.

To find out, I'd better eat some
immature cephalopods with some locals.

Baby squid?

Uh, I would love
a baby squid, yes.

What really reassures me
about this is we've, um,

we've come here to discuss
a very serious subject,

the fate of one of the world's
most famous cities,

but because you're Italians,
you're already talking about food.

Is Venice in peril?

Yes, because we like tourists of course...

everybody needs tourism, we need to live.

But the massive tourism
coming from cruises...

they just come for one day.

They eat in the cruise,
they sleep in the cruises.

That is the one the we don't need.

We know Venice needs tourists.

But over tourism is killing Venice.

It is true that if you,
you know, you hang around

by the Rialto and the banks
of the Grand Canal,

it is very touristy,
there's a lot of souvenirs

that have come from other parts
of the world, let's say.

Fascinating.

In high season,

many of the city's squares are overrun

by market stalls selling plastic tat,

which often ends up as rubbish,
so it's no surprise the locals are fed up.

But what other reason is there
to come to Venice?

It's not going to become a tech center.

It's not gonna be full of hipsters,

you know, working on apps, is it?

That was quite good,
the timing of the bridge.

The following morning, I decide
to head back out on the water,

but maybe I should've checked
the weather forecast.

Well, as you can see, it's a bit
of a rubbishy day in Venice today,

and that does diminish its charm
quite considerably.

You could go and sit in a café
and play Monopoly...

the world Monopoly champion lives here...

um, you could go to another performance
of Vivaldi's Four Cheeses,

or you could go somewhere else,
and that's what we're going to do.

A nautical mile north
of Venice is a collection

of smaller islands called Murano,

which any seasoned tourist will know
is famous for making glass.

Now, there's a good chance
that you've been to Venice

and that you've bought some Murano glass,

a little fish
or a little seahorse or something.

But I have to warn you that,
according to the experts here,

up to 80% of all the glass
for sale in Venice isn't from Murano.

It's probably not from Italy
or, to be honest, even Europe.

Anyway, we're going to go
and look at the real thing.

Prepare yourself
for my grandmother's mantelpiece.

♪ ♪

Remember the 1970s?

Then you'll remember
knock-off versions

of these glass trinkets
littering houses everywhere.

800 years earlier,
Murano-based glassblowers

like Paolo were kept
on a very short leash.

There are two reasons why glassblowing
is concentrated on Murano.

One is that in the early days,
the authorities in Venice were worried

that all these furnaces
would set fire to the city,

so they wanted them moved
to a separate island.

Another reason,
and this is the more interesting one,

is that the secrets of Murano glassmaking
were very, very jealously guarded,

and if you were part
of the glassmaking sect,

you belonged to a guild,
you had special privileges,

you could marry into the nobility,
but you couldn't leave this island,

because they were so desperate
for the secrets of this process

not to make it out into the,
into the wider world.

If you did escape as a glassblower,
there were punishments,

such as your family were imprisoned
until you came back.

If you still didn't come back,
they would hunt you down and kill you.

Despite Mafia levels of secrecy here,

Paolo and his team think it's safe
for me to have a turn, or a gira.

Turn! Turn! Turn!

Gira, gira, gira, gira,
rotate, rotate.

- Rotate, rotate...
- Uh, uh, uh...

Not too fast.
Oh, yeah, it goes wobbly.

Ah, okay. Uh...

- Okay. Okay.
- I'm squeezing quite hard.

Okay, okay.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.
- Yeah? Oh.

Now blow in it.

What? Blow?

Go, go, go, go.

To manipulate the molten glass,

the temperature needs
to around 2,000 degrees,

the same as the inside
of a pizza oven times four.

Bravo. Bravo.

- Okay, okay.
- Okay?

- Good.
- Oh, I'm making a balloon.

Now here, with this one.

Yes?

- Here?
- Good, good, keep going.

Straight, straight.
Dritto, dritto, dritto.

Bravissimo. Okay, very good.

- T-That's it.
- Grazie, grazie.

- Okay.
- That's quite nice.

But now it's Paolo's gira to show me up.

Let's just watch it with some nice music.

♪ ♪

That was epic.

Now, that's proper skill.

You've got a few seconds
to do that, no more.

♪ ♪

Bravissimo.

While I wait
for my lovely bulb to cool,

Paolo suggests
I check out some things

he gira-ed out earlier
in the gift shop next door.

Now, my piece of art
in glass will probably go

on display in this shop with a price
of something like... 960 euros.

Look at the variety
of stuff that they make.

I do like this chicken,
and I might have her.

Holy.

Is that in lira?

♪ ♪

Well, viewers, we've still got
a few euros left on the helicopter,

just enough to squeeze in
one final Italian destination.

100 miles north of Venice

lies one of the most epic
mountain ranges in Europe.

It is also one of the most jaw-droppingly
beautiful places on Earth.

Welcome to the Dolomites, viewers,
almost at the top edge of Italy,

our journey almost done.

Looks rubbish, doesn't it?

And while we're on the move,
cast your mind back five and a half hours

and you may remember me
mentioning my search

for the ten commandments of Italy.

Allow me to update you
on my findings.

The first rule of being Italian
is never, ever

drink cappuccino after 11:00 a.m.

The second rule, thanks to Paolo...

Is always make sure that your shoes
coordinate or match your belt.

Numero tre: if you live near a volcano,
don't worry about it.

Do you ever wake up at night
thinking, "Shit,

there's a massive volcano
just down the road"?

Not really, no.

The fourth commandment
is that the weather

- doesn't matter.
- Wow.

In at cinque, yes, the Italians

- might be better at sport...
- No!

- ...fashion...
- No.

- ...and making stuff...
- It's amazing.

...but they will never
be good at making tea.

I don't wish to be rude,
but I mean, Jesus Christ.

Rule VI:

Italy can be a very frustrating place...

...but only if you live here.

Only the Italians
don't want to be Italian.

Is that right?

And number seven, la dolce vita

isn't really about the high life.

All over my trousers,
all over the poop deck.

It's about good company
and enjoying the moment.

- Fantastico.
- You may also be wondering

why there are only seven rules

in the ten commandments of being Italian.

Well, this is Italy, and as we all know,
rules are wrong.

Viva l'italia!

Now, where were we?

Ah, yes.

We're now about 8,500 feet
above sea level.

Sea level being
where Venice is, obviously,

although only about, uh, 80 feet

from that mountain there,
rather alarmingly.

While I have the utmost confidence

in our pilot today, I am reassured

that if we were to plummet
into the vast snowy wilderness below,

we'd end up in safe hands.

Well, paws.

Mountain rescue dogs
have been used to find

lost travelers in these parts
since the 13th century,

using the ancient training method
of bribing the dog with food.

So, these are rescue-dog handlers.

They are Sonya, Julia and Andrea,
and this is a dog.

Uh, dogs instinctively know to look...

Well, these t... sorts of dogs
know to look for people?

No, they-they learn
that the reward is connected

with the people, so does...
if they smell the people,

the humans, they know there is
the reward that's food or play.

- That's quite clever, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Animals are very clever.
So-so can we do some training?

- Yes, sure.
- Dog training, I mean, not me.

To test the dog's efficiency,

I'm taking my yoga mat
and enthusiastic cameraman...

Right, are you coming with me?

- Yeah.
- Oh, God.

...to trudge through
minus-eight conditions

in knee-deep snow
and perfect camouflage.

I'll follow these tracks.

Are these human tracks
or have they been left by yeti?

I've got my mat.

Ooh, this will be lovely.

Okay. Happy with this.

Help. Help.

Rescue dogs can smell a human

from a quarter of a mile away.

Or ten miles if you're wearing Fiasco.

When the dog gets here,
I have to let her bark ten to 15 times

before I give her the treat,
'cause barking is part of the technique.

That's how the handlers know
where the dog is.

These dogs can also find
a person buried 15 feet deep in snow,

making them the most cost-effective
emergency service in the world.

They're also the cutest.

Ooh, dog is approaching.

Help. Help.

Oh. Hello.

- You got to do some barking,
- Kebab! Kebab!

Big barking, come on, more barking.

That's only three. Two.

Bark, bark, bark.

Miley, bark. Ruff, ruff.

Kebab! Kebab!

- Five. More.
- Kebab!

Kebab! Kebab! Kebab!

- Eight.
- Kebab!

- That's it. Well done.
- Kebab! Kebab!

Now you can have your dog treat.

Yes. Thank you.

Thank you for rescuing me.

This is a rescue dog from-from Sicily,
and now, she saves people in return.

- Exactly.
- I'd say it's excellent karma.

What goes around comes around.

If you're nice to animals,
they'll be nice to us.

Exactly.

So, I've been rescued,
you now have to watch

the remainder of the series,

which is only a few minutes,
so don't worry,

but you can thank Miley
for finding me in the snow.

And you can also thank
the production team

when the next scene gives you nightmares.

A short helicopter ride
further along the Dolomites,

in the province of South Tyrol,
is a rather picturesque town

known to the Italians as Castelrotto,

and it's home to
a rather terrifying tradition.

This area is sometimes Italian
and sometimes Austrian.

It depends on which war we've just had.

But we haven't had one for a bit,
so the people here

tend to regard themselves
more as Tyrolian.

And as Tyrolian people,

of course, they have
some myths and legends,

amongst them the legend of Krampus,

who can be thought of
as the dark side of Christmas.

You have Saint Nick, Father Christmas
on the one hand.

He dishes out gifts to children
who have been good.

And then you have Krampus
on the other hand,

who beats children who have been bad.

They have a festival
to celebrate this, weirdly,

that involves fireworks
and wearing a mask,

so if we're gonna take part,
first we have a make a mask.

Right.

Now, something
we didn't show you in Venice,

were the elegant,
traditional Venetian masks.

Well, these are nothing like that.

This is the Krampus
chain saw mask-maker.

I must say, this is the only time
I've ever seen a chain saw used indoors.

- Yes, that's looking quite...
- Like it.

Yes, it's looking quite scary, actually.

Krampus masks are a very niche market,

and wood-carvers like Marcus
spend years mastering their craft...

We are through to the,
to the back of the eyeballs.

...so our lawyers
have asked me to remind you

not to try this at home.

If you're thinking
of taking up wood carving,

remember always to cut
towards your own penis.

So, now you have a good look.

Are you ready?

Oooh...

- Scared?
- Yes.

Good.

That's not actually finished yet.
It's got to be painted,

it's got to have some blood
and gore added to it,

and some horns, just to make sure
it traumatizes children,

and then, I imagine, I'll be required
to wear a costume of some sort,

because production
have organized this bit.

And I love dressing up.

Still, how bad can it be?

It looks like something
from a Christmas card.

Snow-covered streets,
twinkling fairy lights,

locals making merry over mulled wine...

...or perhaps we're in a promo

for a Scandinavian death metal band.

Every year, on this night, while
Saint Nick delivers gifts to good kids...

Why did we agree to this?

...hundreds of locals
dress up to celebrate

his macabre counterpart.

Well, it's a tradition...

Eh, he just said it, it's a tradition.

I'm gonna put this on now,
and then I won't be able to see.

Krampus is a half-goat, half-demon
dating back to pagan folklore,

who could only be killed by being stabbed
with an evergreen branch dipped in blood

from God's own dark side.

Great.

- Why the long face?
- I can't hear you.

Ask the boss what you have to do.

Where is the boss?

Turn to your right.

- Where is he?
- Right here, here, here.

Hello, boss of the Krampus.

We'll make a show for the tourists
and all the guys.

You'll have to shout.

What?

You'll have to shout.

He said they're gonna make a big show

and shout and lots of fire.

Apparently, the final items left
on our Italian to-do list are:

traumatizing tourists,

yeti flagellation

and mowing Beelzebub's back garden.

Well, don't worry about me
being run over by stuff.

I can't see.

Am I on fire?

Am I going the right way?

Hello, children. Hello.

Who is he?

Who was that?

Silly.

I can say what I want inside this mask.

It's fantastic.

Who the are you?

It was at this point Amazon
asked us to make this

a bit more family-friendly.

No presents for you, little boy.

No presents for you,
you little.

Well, that didn't last long.

Where's the camera?

Is there a camera anywhere nearby?

- How are you doing?
- Badly.

Is there anybody from the village up here?

I mean, I...

- Is there an audience up here?
- No.

- So they're just doing it
for their own gratification?
- Yeah.

So it's a dangerous cult.

Now they're gonna burn us.

One bloke went off into the woods.

I don't think he's ever
gonna be seen again.

What's happening?

Something about human sacrifice, I think.

Luckily, the only sacrifice
was my last remaining shred

of credibility after hours wafting around
dressed as the Honey Monster from hell.

I think if I just sit here quietly
and ignore them,

no one will ever know
that I was anything to do with it.

Well, if anybody wants any sugar puffs,
I'll be in my hotel room later.

♪ ♪

So, after a 12-week odyssey
which began way down in Sicily,

I've meandered up through Italy,

stopping off at Rome, Tuscany
and Turin, to name a few,

and now I'm almost
at the northernmost tip of the Dolomites,

where I have a date with the final scene.

Well, viewers, we're very near the end
of this really very, very epic journey

around what is actually
quite a small country.

We've done thousands
and thousands of kilometers,

I've slightly lost track,
but it's been amazing,

I mean, look at all the things we've done.

It's just tremendous.

125cc Vespa,

one of the machines
that made Italy what it is.

Ooh, la, la.

Perfect.

- Grazie.
- Prego.

I thought these bits were good.

Okay, here I go.

- Ooh.
- It's a goal.

Yes!

I've been desperate to cut the cheese
ever since I arrived here, so...

I can't.

I wasn't sure about these bits, though.

It won't go straight, Tom.

There's something wrong with it.

I find that very disturbing.

There's my hands, there's Enzo's hands.

Oh, and there was that. I remember that.

These are the best-preserved
Roman ruins on the entire planet.

I'm not sure these bits
actually made it in.

Doesn't have a bell on the end.

Where is the bathroom?

Could you be quiet? Silencia, por favore.

And look at all the amazing
people we've encountered.

There was her...

What the dick do you want?

That's not even English.

Him.

- Her.
- Cosi, cosi, so-and-so.

And him. He was good.

The captain of the Italian football squad

has correctly identified the milk jug.

- Delightful.
- You coming?

Could have done
without this lot in tow, though.

And those people in silly costumes.

I think they're all getting off
on the ritualistic whipping a bit.

Seriously?

So, after several thousand miles,

we've run out of Italy,
which means it's time

to ditch la mia Panda,
and take the last few steps

through the snow on foot,

in the hope I may say something profound.

♪ ♪

Well, viewers, we're at the end,
and I have to tell you what I think.

Well, actually, I'd like to go right back
to the very beginning,

where I was talking about
all the clichés and stereotypes

that we, you know, attach
to Italy and the Italian people.

Some of them are true.

It is chaotic, it is disorganized.

They do wave their arms around
when they speak.

It is theatrical.
The bureaucracy is overwhelming.

The Italians will be
the first to admit this.

And it annoys them.

But that does make it
a very charming place to visit.

It makes everything a bit of an adventure.

But, actually, I think
the real power of Italy

is exerted far and wide
in the greater world.

Because if you think
of all the things that signify

a contented, w-well-lived life,
well-campaigned,

it's, you know, view, villa, lakeside,

bottle of white wine, lunch,

suit, motor launch, shotgun,

handbag, sports car,

domestic appliance, carbon-fiber bicycle,

marble kitchen worktops.

All these things are more desirable

when they have the word
"Italian" in front of them.

And that's the point I'm trying to make.

We patronize this country,
we pat it on the head

for its endearing befuddlement,

but in truth,
we're all completely on our knees

in front of Italy and the Italians.

A small part of every single one of us

does want to be Italian.

And I'm ready.

It just remains for me
to say ciao and arrivederci

and see you in the next place.

Thank you for coming along.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪