James May: Oh Cook! (2020–2023): Season 1, Episode 2 - Pub Classics - full transcript

The pub is a British institution, once a bastion of warm ale and smelly carpets, many are now known for their excellent food. James decides to kick off the show with the most classic of pub grub: the pie. However, this particular ...

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Hello, viewers.
I'm James May, and I can't cook.

Welcome to my cookery show.

♪ ♪

Fancy a pint?

Well, you're in luck,

because today
is all about pub classics...

That looks like a steak,
does it not?

...what used to be known
as pub grub.

Those gastronomic delights
that sustain us

when we're in our locals.

There will be
competition-winning pies,

perfect steak,
off-the-cuff trifle

and me hitting biscuits.

Now, if you have a pint,
you'll need a pie.

Hello, viewers.
Now, William Blake...

as in "And did those feet
in ancient time"...

once said that a good local pub
has much in common

with a church, only it's warmer
and there's more conversation.

And he might have added
that in pubs, you also get pies.

Welcome to the pub classics
edition ofOh Cook!

and we're going to start
with something

that we call pie squared.

It is a pie made with pastry,

but it also caters for
the perennial problem, really,

of having some guests
who are vegetarian.

Rather than making two pies,
a vegetarian pie... in this case,

it's potato, leek and cheese...

and a meat eater's pie,

chicken and mushroom, obviously,
I'm gonna make

both pies in the same dish
with a division down the middle.

So you can simply choose the pie
from the side of the dish

that suits your eating habits.

Oil, quite a bit of it.

I'll tell you what, as this is
a pub classics edition,

I'm going to have a beer.

Here is a beer.
I hold it like a Neanderthal

so you can't see the branding.

I'll pour it into this glass.

Oh, youcansee
the Shepherd Neame branding.

- Hold on a minute.
- [laughter]

Other beers are available,
such as Fuller's of Chiswick.


I'll start with the chicken
and mushroom half of the pie.

Onion: one, chopped.

Onions are softening.

175 grams of chicken.

Chopped up into
chicken chunk-shaped chunks.

- Same weight of mushrooms.
- They're almost artwork.

Cézanne would have put
a couple of those

in a small bowl, painted them,
and these days,

that picture would be worth

something like three
to five million pounds.

Finally, I'm going to add
my secret sauce.


Half, half a tin.

Cream of mush...

Hang on.


Roughly half a tin
of cream of mushroom soup.

I'm gonna turn the temperature
back up again,

'cause that will have
cooled the pan.

I think this would benefit
from the addition

of a herb, and I think
that should be tarragon.

So I'm going to see if Nikki,
the home economist

who I keep in this cupboard,
has any tarragon.

- [knocking on door]
- Nikki?

- Hello? Hi.
- D-Do you have any tarragon?

You've already got it
in your hand.

- That's amazing.
- I heard what you were saying.

- How did you know?
- [chuckles] Telepathy.

- So...
- So, there's usually
not a huge amount.

No. I reckon maybe one sprig.

And just take the leaves off.

- What, like,
every single leaf? Or...
- Well, if you

kind of go like that,
they'll come off.

- Oh, will they?
- Well, hopefully.

- There.
- [James] Oh, yeah.
That's a top cooking tip.

Run your fingers the wrong way,
like stroking a cat

- in the wrong direction.
- [laughs]

I think. I don't know.

Love it.

Now just stir that in
for a moment, then we're gonna

put this to one side
to cool down.

A new pan.
Green, for vegetables.

The veggie half uses
250 grams of potatoes,

a leek and 90 grams of cheese.

Parboil the spuds,
slice the leek.

Now we're going to use
the established knife technique

to guide with my knuckles
the knife.

Right, eagle-eyed viewers
will have spotted

the continuity error.

Nikki the home economist
was here and now she's not here.

She has simply vanished. I don't
know how that's happened.

Must be something to do
with editing.


My real hope for it is not
that it becomes a pub standard

or anything like that,
but i-it... but that it works,

'cause I've never made a pie,
I've never used pastry.

That bit will be coming up
in a minute, and I will probably

have to bring Nikki back
out of the cupboard

to make sure
I'm doing it properly.

But I learn, you learn,

and then we are all fed
by knowledge.

I now push the leeks
around the pan for a bit,

which isn't going
to win me a BAFTA.

- Or is it?
- Look at that one.
That one's...

That one's almost speaking.
It's like Pac-Man.

Can you see that?
That one. Look.

No, it's not going
to win me a BAFTA.

Anyway, back to learning.

That is cheese.

- That is cheese.
- [laughter]

This is cheese.

This whole thing
is bloody cheese.

- I'm up to my knees in it.
- [laughter]

This is just mousetrap
cheddar cheese.

There we have
the vegetarian half of the pie

And just by way of a recap,
two pies in one pie:

chicken and mushroom half,
cheesy leek and potato half.

So far, so good,

but any decent chef
in a busy pub kitchen

can handle more
than one order at a time.

Just as I set the pie fillings
aside to cool,

a woman walks into this
imaginary pub and orders this.

It's a steak, and there's just
enough time to knock it up.

Steak, one of the simplest
things to cook,

one of the easiest things
to completely cock up.

We have a piece of steak here.
This is sirloin.

It's important to know
your cuts of beef.

This comes from the cow.

Now we normally have steak
with chips;

today we're gonna put
a bit of a twist on it.

We're going to have steak

with oven-roasted
sweet potato wedges.

I can sense a complaint coming
from the c... from the crew.

- [laughter]
- Yes, that was a joke.

- No, I...
- [laughter]

This is Will Daws,
who once harbored ambitions

to be a stand-up comedian.
I don't know...

- [laughter]
- [Tom] Right, can we please
pick it up?

Back to cooking,
and as this is cow beef,

it requires
some Argentinian Malbec.

There's definitely a bit of
forgotten games kit about that.

Wedges are seasoned
with a folk song,

rosemary and thyme.

That smells amazing, actually.

Such clouds of vapor rose that
only God's eyes did not close.

I think that's W.B. Yeats.
If it isn't, I apologize.

Now for the star of the show.

Oil the meat, not the pan.

I'm cooking this for Nikki,
who kicks off

if her steak isn't
medium medium rare.

There is an old method
for establishing

how well done a steak is
when it's in the pan.

That is a rare steak,
that is a medium rare steak...

this is getting firmer,
this bit of my hand...

that's a medium steak
and that's a well done one.

So that's quite a good guide,
because no two pieces of meat

are gonna be exactly the same.

And the pan has to be very hot.

Take that...


I'm gonna flip that.

Look... That looks like a steak,
does it not?

Cook the steak until
it's... done.

I'd say that was pretty much
there, to be honest.

If anything,
I might've slightly...

The steak must rest,
but only for a bit.

Just long enough to cook
the peas in a drop of Malbec

and the leftover meaty juices.

- Potato wedges.
- Timed to perfection.

All coming together for Nikki
in a fleeting window

of medium medium rareness.

However, I forgot to allow
for the film crew.

All of that has
temporarily disappeared

because it's been
taken over there

to go on the magic
rotating turntable thing

that allows us to do
an art shot of it.

This is what you do
on a cooking show.

But could you get on with it?
Because I've done

my best to do that perfectly,
and the more it just sits around

doing nothing,
the less good it will be.

Even tighter?

Right, that's enough.

Sod it. Nikki!


[James] Your steak is, uh...

It looks amazing.

[James] Oh, I've overcooked it
slightly. I knew I would.

That's perfect.
Look, I asked for medium,

and then I was fickle
and I said medium rare medium,

- and that is definitely...
- If you're happy with that...

[Nikki] I'm very happy with it.

Thank you. That's very generous.

We'll pay you anyway.
You don't have to say that.

Approved by Nikki.
That's one for my cookbook.

And now back to my two pies
in one.

Remember what I was saying
about learning?

Right, now for the tricky bit,
which is the pastry,

something I have
never done before.

I'm going to clear
these items away

so that you get
a better view

of me messing this up.

Or will I? Let's be confident,
because I'm using

ready-made shop-bought
short crust pastry.

The important thing
to remember about pastry...

this is the most important thing
I'm going to tell you...

is that you don't want
to heat it up.

Remember that pastry
is really just flour,

fat and a bit of salt.

If you warm the fats up,

the molecular structure
of the thing changes,

and it will become
either very, very hard

or very, very lumpy.

We're going to make pie squared

in two halves, so we divide

this piece of pastry in two.

Nikki? Hello?


Do you mind awfully
just keeping

an eye on me while I do this?


Okay... Would you like a beer,
by the way?

[Nikki] Please.

Need to get a glass, though.

- Thank you very much.
- Mystery hand comes in.

It's Betty's hand.

- Okay.
- Um, right, now we're going

to turn that into a ball
and then roll it out flat,

handling it
as little as possible.

Nikki has worked with someone
called Paul Hollywood.

She's trying to be patient
with me...

I'm gonna say bollocks.

I know I'm not supposed to,

but there you go, I've said it.

...and failing.

You're desperate
to take that off me and do it.

Yeah, I'll just stand over here.

You're exactly like I am
when I'm watching somebody

incompetently use
a screwdriver.

Finally, my feigned
incompetence pays off.

Nikki's is... is a reasonably
uniform shape.

Mine is...

uh, scrappy.

And she's full of
handy chef hints.

Pick it up with
a rolling pin, like this,

if it helps.

Yes. I'm going to do that.

- Let's pretend you didn't
tell me that.
- Okay.

Now, you can pick this up
with a rolling pin, like this.

That gives you
a convenient way to hold it,

and then you can...

Ah... whatevs.

♪ ♪

"That'll do" comes the cry
of the perfectionist.

It's time to fill this pie.

[James] Ooh, this is
plenty of filling.

- This looks really nice.
- [Nikki] That's good, 'cause

it'll pile up beautifully.

If it weren't for Nikki,

this pie would turn out

a bit half-baked.

[Nikki] But you need to cook
the pastry through

and make sure you haven't got
a soggy bottom.

Yeah, I have had it
for a while, actually.

- I'm in my fifties, so...
- [laughs]

Okay, here we go.

This is incredibly exciting.

It's slightly lumpy,

- but that doesn't matter,
does it?
- Doesn't matter.

It's a pie.
It just goes in your face.

You now need to trim it.

So, I've seen this done.

So you pick it up, and then
you slice your own fingers off

as you go around the edge
with your knife.

- Is that correct?
- That's right.

So you just keep your knife
tight to the pan.

This is my first pie, remember.
I will never again be a person

who has never cooked a pie.

Once I've cooked this pie,

I am a person who has
cooked a pie.

And now we... Can you remember
which half is which?

- 'Cause I can't.
- Yes, that's-that's the

potato half, and that's
the chicken half.

Nikki leaves me to come up

with a design
for the lid of the pie.


So I decide to decorate it

in the shape of
my favorite airplane.

Hawker Hurricane, the aircraft
that won the Battle of Britain.

Despite what people think
and imagine it's the Spitfire,

it was the Hawker Hurricane
which accounted for at least

two-thirds of all enemy losses

during that fateful summer
of 1940.

I soon realize that,
like Göring,

I've miscalculated.

I've ballsed up because
I haven't allowed

for the wingspan
of the Hawker Hurricane.

Plan B: a more modest design.

I carve a "C"
for the chicken half...

There's my "C" for chicken,

which is that half.

...and a "V" for the vegetarian.


horse's ass.

I've actually carved
the letter "V"

into Nikki's work top.

How am I going to explain that?

Well, I really have.
You can feel it. [sighs]

What if I...

I'm not making it worse.

I can do this.
Just talk amongst yourselves.

It's okay,
I know about woodwork.

Soon this blemish will have
completely disappeared.

You're not gonna mock
in a minute

because what I'm gonna do...

Is there anything that
you want to say to me?

It's simply not there anymore.

It's gone, apart from when
you look at it like that.

Let's get back to
more pressing matters.

An air hole and an egg glaze.

So this will make the top
come out all shiny,

Which makes it look like
a proper pub pie.

The oven is at 190 degrees.

There is a preheated
metal baking tray.

Here is a pie
glazed with egg. In it goes.

Twenty to 30 minutes.

In the maelstrom
of TV production,

nuggets of interest
are often left out

of the final program,
so here's something

that informs, educates
and entertains:

what I said earlier
while cooking mushrooms.

In the early days
of beermaking...

this was before we discovered
that you could add hops

as a preservative, which is
mainly what they're for...

various families
would make beer,

and because the beer
didn't last very long,

they would then say
to the rest of the,

I'm gonna say "community,"

"You can come 'round
to our house

and drink our beer."

And then it would be
someone else's turn

to make the beer.

And their house would become
the "public house."

And that's how we have
the term "pub".

♪ ♪

Right! Let's have a look
at pie squared,

which has come out of the oven

and has been standing
for about

- ten minutes or so.
- [Nikki] That looks good.

- It does look quite good,
doesn't it?
- Really good.

- I think I'd like to start
with vegetarian, please.
- Okay.

Feels like a pie.

Look at that.
That's the...

I think you've put the "V"
and the "C" on the wrong...

- I-I've put them...
- [laughter]

You know...

I-I've put that bit of pie

back in the pie dish
whilst I consider my error,

which is that I've put
the "V" and the "C"

on the wrong bits of the pie.

So "C" now stands for...

'cause it's vegetarian.

And "V" stands for...

- [Nikki] Very chickeny.
- Very chickeny. Yeah.


- Oh, yeah, there you go.
- [Nikki] Joint effort.

- That's definitely
vegetarian side.

[Nikki] There's the wall,
and there's the chicken side.

Perfect. Right, let's...
let's fork up.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- Mmm. Mmm.
- Mmm!

The tarragon definitely
lifts it.

I knew that was coming. I knew
somebody was about to say,

"Can you be a bit more

Three, two, one, go.

Mmm, that's really good.

Mmm, mmm, mmm. Mmm!

- Mmm!
- Mmm!

Well, the tarragon really,
uh, informs the flavor.

- It tastes great.
- Mmm.

This is brilliant.

[James] You can taste mushroom,
you can taste chicken.

- I mean, it's all... anointed.
- And genius idea.

The chick... Sorry.

What was a genius idea?

The sauce.
Your soup.

Was that my idea?


- That was my idea.
- [laughter]

Thanks, Nikki.
That was a nice idea of mine.

That's my first-ever pie.

It's the first time
I've ever handled pastry.

I would say, in conclusion,
be modern, be progressive,

but there will always be
the pie.

Eat pies.

Let's take another look
at my first pastry pie.

Sorry, I can't see where your
lens is; you're in the dark.

[Tom] Just cheat as if you're
looking into the other lens.


I'm doing pickups.

Random phrases that can be
dropped anywhere into an edit,

if required.


The herbs and spices
of television, if you will.

[James] That doesn't work.

That's amazing;
a gadget that actually works.

What do you think
of that, Nikki?

Meanwhile, my cooking has
made the crew very hungry,

so they've ordered
a Chinese takeaway.

And now we're going to add
some chopped onions and oil.

In a short time, I'll be doing
something very interesting

with custard, biscuits
and an olive.

In the meantime,
the imaginary blackboard

in my imaginary pub
shows a special.

My speciality, in fact.

It involves fish,
potatoes, and no pastry.

Benjamin Franklin,

who was once the American
ambassador to Paris,

said, "Fish and guests stink
after three days."

He was absolutely right.
He also once said,

"He who lives by hope alone
will die farting."

We are making fish pie.

This is something that I've done
before with great success.

I actually beat Gordon Ramsay

in a fish pie-making

And a lot of people have said
to me over the years since,

"Was that something faked?
Was that set up for TV?"

No, it wasn't.
My fish pie won

because it was better.

And to make a fish pie
better than a three-star

Michelin chef,
you will need six things.

Chunks of chopped fish:

salmon, haddock, prawns,
et cetera.

Butter, milk, a leek,
a huge onion

and some parboiled spuds.

The first thing
we're going to do

is mash up these potatoes.

What follows is known
in television terms

as a stylistic convention.

It shows me doing
several things at once,

making me look dynamic

and able to multitask.

♪ ♪

Mash the potato
with milk and butter

to a smooth, creamy

We'll add some seasoning.
We'll have white pepper.

This gives it a bit
of piquancy.

Poach your 400 grams of fish
in 200 milliliters of milk.


Keep all liquids
properly topped up.


Chop your leek,
and prepare to do battle

with your big onion.

Which means I can reach for
my favorite kitchen gadget.

We're going to use
the chopper-upperer.

I thought I'd just talk
to you about it for a moment.

The blade is in sort of
sine wave shape

that goes up and down.

And each time you press,
it rotates.

That's what makes it
a chopper-upperer.

It's excellent...

Chopped up.

♪ ♪

Now, if you're wondering why
I chopped

all those leeks and onions,

they're the ingredients for the
roux sauce that fills my pie.

Make sure the leeks are
properly infused

with that nice,
hot butteriness.

Right, let's decant the fish
into this jug.

And this is very important.
It's very easy to forget

and accidentally
throw it down the sink.

This fishy milk that's
left over in this pan

is vital to the success
of the pie.

Add the fishy milk
to the buttery leek and onion,

and then thicken it.

So let's put some flour
in there.

Not too much.

You don't want lumps.

If it doesn't thicken up,

there's not really
a lot you can do.

It doesn't matter, you'll just
have a very runny fish pie.

It is actually... this is...

You've gonna have... You're
gonna have to come and see this,

'cause this is gorgeous.

Bit fluky, to be honest,
but come and see, come and see.

Come and see, quickly.

Look at that. It's thickened up.

It's not gloopy.
It's just thick,

oniony, leeky,

milky fish-infused

That's gonna be fantastic.

I'm going to add a little pinch
of white pepper.

The difference between
white pepper and black pepper

is that white pepper is white
and black pepper is black.

They are both the seeds
of the peppercorn plant,

but the black ones are dried,
usually in the sun,

so that the outer layer becomes
black, i.e. slightly burned.

The white ones
are processed differently.

The outer layer is removed,
so you only have

the rather purer white core
of the peppercorn.

And the difference in flavor
is that white pepper

is actually hotter,
but black pepper,

because it has a burnt layer
on the top, presumably,

has more complex notes.

P.J. O'Rourke once said
that fish that is the only food

that is considered spoiled
once it smells like what it is,

i.e. fishy.

That's definitely not spoiled.

It does smell of fish,
but it smells

of freshly-poached fish.

Now it's time to assemble my
individual pub-sized fish pies.

Oh, yeah, actually, this pie
has got a little bit more fish

in it, so if I get that one,
you're lucky.

If you get the other one,
it's tough.

Install the expertly
thickened sauce.

That looks great, doesn't it?

That looks like the inside
of a fish pie.

Next, me and my fish pie recipe

swim into uncharted
culinary waters.

Something I have never
done before is...

put mashed potato
through a piping bag.

That's what I'm going to do now.

This is the piping bag.

It's essentially a polythene bag
with a hole in the top.

Piping nozzle.

Put that inside the bag.

There's a hole c... precut
in the end, which allows the end

of the nozzle to come through,
but not the whole thing.

Obviously. That would be stupid.

Sort of turn the bag inside out.

If anybody knows better
than me here, please speak up.

Please pipe up.

- [laughter]
- [stammers]

♪Oh, Danny boy, the pipes♪

♪The pipes are calling♪♪


Mashed potato in the bag.

Put a twist in it,
otherwise when you squeeze it,

the mashed potato will just
come out and hit you in the face

rather than going
onto the top of the pie.

Let's do it one at a time.
Let's not be cocky.

Here we go. Piping potato.

Look at that. Can you see this?

That's better.

Look at that
lovely mashed potato...


Stop laughing at the back.

Right, if I flatten
that down a bit

on the work top,
pick it up, put it in there.

So this is how I normally
do it at home, to be honest.

I just lift up slabs of potato,

spread it over the top
of the pie.

There you go.
That's all you need.

Geez, I'm having a crisis here,
and you're worried about

whether or not the wine glass
is in the way.

I hope Gordon Ramsay
is watching this.

Right, if I just get a fork,
do that.

That will start to look...
See, there you go.

That looks like a fish pie
in a pub, doesn't it?

Individual portion. Agreed?

We'll have some black pepper...
not the same as white pepper...

on the top.

And we'll have some
little sprigs of parsley.

My fish pies are ready
to go into the oven,

preheated to 190 deg. C.

So, oven door, open.

Temperature, set.

Pies, in hands, on tray,
in oven.

Door shut, timer set.

20 minutes. Thank you
very much for watching.

As my special browns
in the oven, people who ate

the earlier pie are asking
to see the pudding menu.

And I hadn't thought of that.

Looks like it's time to play

our special storecupboard
savior sting.

Storecupboard savior.
Your guests have enjoyed

your fish pie or your chicken
pie or your steak and chips

or your vegetarian special
or whatever...

but they're still hungry.

So, you go to the cupboard

and you think, "What can I make

out of all these leftover bits
and pieces?"

This off-the-cuff recipe
is cooking

at its most liberating, a
voyage of discovery and taste.

Also known as making it up
as you go along.

Take the biscuits,
put them inside the towel,

and smash them to pieces.

Good. So, take some...

biscuity base
in the bottom of each one.

That was a terrible idea,
actually, doing it

in the tea towel, because
I simply can't get them off,

but never mind.

As Derek and Clive once said.

I also have, in the cupboard,
this Swiss roll,

which is disgusting, and it's
slightly past its sell-by date

and it's going
a little bit stiff, but...

Let's take a thin slice
of Swiss roll.

It is basically a sponge.
Let's put that in.

Add a heaped dollop
of mixed fruit,

a level dash of Sherry,
some ready-made jelly

and a slathering
of tinned custard.

Some of you may be thinking,
"I wonder if he's got any..."

Yes, I have.

Squirty cream.

That looks pretty terrible,
given that I'm supposed to be

a reasonably competent man,
good at using tools and so on.

Finally, the glacé cherry.

You will have these
in a little pot.

You will have had them for

almost as long as you've had
that bottle of limoncello.

Let's say you're not posh
and you don't

have any glacé cherries.

How about a black olive?

I don't know
what that would taste like,

but it might actually
be quite interesting.

There you go, I've done it.

People will pretend
they don't like that,

and they'll go,
"Oh, no, those are just trifle.

That's just really ridiculous.

You've just made that
with leftovers."

They will all eat it,
and all of it,

and they will want more.

- Yes, Tom?
- [Tom] Sprinkles?

We haven't got any sprinkles.

- Right.
- What about the biscuit?

What, you want me to get it
back out of the sink

- and put it on top
of the trifle?
- [laughter]

Okay, by popular request
from the crew, sprinkles.

Oh, yeah, you're right,

You're absolutely right.

The sprinkles make
all the difference.



- Hi, James.
- Would you like a trifle?

Ooh, I like trifle.

Uh, it tastes like things
my nan used to make for me.

A trifle doesn't mean anything.
It just means a load

of great stuff in a, in a...
in a glass thing.

What's not to like? I like it.

I want to know what you think
of it with an olive in it.

Even if it's only to tell us
that the olive was a bad idea.

It's like Edison
and his light bulb.

He knew what didn't work.

It's a black olive, as well.
It's a, it's a good strong one.

- Horrible.
- It's crap, isn't it? Yeah.

- So, no olives.
We've learned that.
- [laughs]

- Um... Yeah.
- It's truly horrible.

- [James] I'll do it
with an olive as well.
- Okay.

- That's awful, isn't it?
- I know,
it's really disgusting.

- Ooh, it's... No. Good God.
- Why would you do that?


This whipped up,
impromptu trifle

has made it into my cookbook...

minus the olive.

But now, back to the fish pie.

It's going to taste great
after eating custard.


- Yes?
- I've made a pie for you.

- There you are.
- [Nikki] They look great.

[James] Pub fish pie, just
come out. There's a nice...

That is the right sort of
texture and firmness.

The plate is quite hot.

Be honest.
You don't have to be nice to me.

- That's really hot.
- Mm.

- [laughter]
- Really, really hot.

- Oh, it's too hot.
- [indistinct chatter]

- Oh...
- You have it...

The thing is, I handed it
to you, I said, "Be careful.

The plate is hot." The plate's
not actually that hot.

- I know! The food is like...
- But the pie is like
the center of the Earth.


It's hotter than the sun, James.

Okay, fish pie tasting take two.

- Ah. Nikki, please.
- I shall.

- Be careful. The plate is hot.
- [laughter]

[Nikki] I'm gonna get a bit
of everything.

- It's good. It is good.
- Is it?

- Would you like to try some?
- I would love to try some.

- Be careful, it's hot.
- [laughter]

- Ooh!
- [laughter]

[inhaling sharply]

- It's all right, though.
- It's good.

[James] I think the lesson
we can take away from this

is that fish pie might seem
like a complicated proposition,

but you can buy the ingredients
already prepared for you.

The chopped-up packet of fish
and so on.

You need a few herbs, milk...
you'll have that in the house.

Some butter, some potatoes.
Blah, blah, blah.

Have a go. You can transform
your house into a pub.

Well, I'm afraid
that's last orders.

But we can look back
on my first pie,

a perfect steak,

my competition-winning
signature dish

and a spur of the moment

A menu that any pub
would be proud

to have chalked
on its blackboard.

[Nikki] I think
you should open a pub.

[James] God, can you imagine?

A zero-profit enterprise
if ever there was one.

[Nikki] Who scratched a "V"
in my work surface?