Jackie Chan Adventures (2000–2005): Season 5, Episode 8 - Clash of the Titanics - full transcript

The castanets with the Thunder Demon Chi lie in a sunken ship in the Arctic.

Uncle: Ah... Ah... Ah...

(Sneezes)

Jackie!

Jackie: Yes, uncle.

Uncle: More hot tea, please!

Jackie: Yes, uncle.
I have already put the kettle on.

Uncle: One more thing...
(Sniffles)

Uncle's toes are chilly!

One more thing!

Uncle needs more cold
and flu season garlic!

Jackie, groaning: Ohh...
More garlic?



(Kettle whistles)

Uncle: Jackie!
I hear water boiling!

What is hold-up?

Jackie: I am getting your
garlic, uncle.

Jade, perhaps you could...

Jade: Sorry, uncle Jackie.

Love to help,
but I gotta take care of the customers.

Tohru!

(Humming, music in headphones)

Uncle: Jackieeee!

Jackie: Coming, uncle!

Ah... Uh... Aah!

(Sighs) Here you are, uncle.

Is there anything else you need?



Uncle: Yes. Rest.

(Jackie exhales)

Stop making noise!

(Ding-ding-ding-ding)

One more thing.

Jackie: Yes, uncle?

Uncle: Another demon
power has been released.

Jade: Cool!

Uncle: Aaiii-yaahh!

It is tchangzu,
the thunder demon,

defeated in ancient
times by magic castanets.

Jade: Castanets, huh?

Sounds like a road trip.
Spain, Mexico?

Jackie: The bottom of the ocean.

It is a sunken ship.

And there are
letters on the hull.

Jade: A-n-I-c.

Whoa! The castanets went down with...
The Titanic!

Jade: What do you mean, it's not the
Titanic? Àthe name on the hull...

Black: Ends with a-n-I-c.

It's the oceanic.

Sank in the arctic
waters in 1932.

According to the
passenger manifest,

there was a troop.
Of flamenco dancers on board.

No doubt used the
castanets in their act.

Jade: The Titanic, oceanic.
Àpotato, pot-ahto.

It's still deep-sea salvage,
and that is mondo coolio!

Jackie: It is mondo
dangerous, Jade.

The ship sits at the
bottom of an icy ocean.

Black: Fortunately,
section 13 has a new submersible vehicle,

especially designed for...
(Sniffs)

What is that odor?
Smells like...

(Jackie sniffs)

Jackie: Uncle.

Tohru: I pleaded with
sensei àto stay in bed,

but he would not listen.

Uncle: Uncle is needed.
Demon chi is very powerful.

Black: Oh! So is that garlic.

Strikemaster ice:
Y'all ready to shred?

Mc cobra: Tahoe is gonna
be off the hook! Yeah!

Drago: And where do you three
snow bunnies think you're off to?

Strikemaster ice: Gonna bust a
move on some fresh powder, dawg.

Drago: Wrong answer... Dawg.

All three: Yo!

Strikemaster ice: A'ight.
I feel ya, d.

You vibin' on some
new demon chi?

Drago: Big time.
The power of thunder,

contained in a pair
of immortal castanets.

Strikemaster ice: Castanets, huh?
Ole!

So where they gonna be at...
cabo?

Mc cobra: Sweet! Yeah.
We could catch some primo rays.

Drago: The castanets
are under water.

(Shudders) Not
exactly my cup of chi.

Strikemaster ice:
Why you say that, d.?

Don't tell me you're
scared of a little surf.

Drago: Scared? No.

I just dislike being under water

because then I can't do this!

Just because I won't be
going on this little sea hunt

doesn't mean you three can't.

You'll need a submarine.

Strikemaster ice: A sub?
See, now, that's kinda tricky, yo.

Mc cobra: Not like
we're gonna find one

with the key still
in the ignition.

Strikemaster ice: Yo, ho, ho!
Hold up, chief!

My boy dj fist's
got a bright one.

Jade: Whoa!

That is one kean-o submarine-o.

Black: Section 13's
newest prototype.

Able to withstand
3,000 tons of pressure,

lateral maneuverability,
retractable pincer arms.

Jade: Well,
what are you landlubbers waiting for?

Let's shape up and ship out.

Jackie: You are not going, Jade.

Jade: Jackie!
I saw the movie Titanic 12 times!

That makes me a total
expert on sunken treasure.

Uncle: Jade must
listen to Jackie.

You cannot go on sub with us!

Jackie: And neither can
you, uncle.

Not with your cold.

All those germs in a
tiny, enclosed space...

Ow!

Uncle: Uncle is not infectious!
Ah-choo!

And you cannot perform
removal spell yourself!

Jackie: I realize that, uncle.

But tohru and I can
retrieve the castanets,

and you can perform the removal
spell later on dry land.

Black: Makes sense.

Uncle and Jade: Ohh...

Drago: Well?

Strikemaster ice: It's all
good, dawg.

We got everything we need.

Drago: You have a
submarine in there?

Strikemaster ice:
Naw, we got tools.

Cobra and fist
gonna build you one.

Drago: I wouldn't trust
those two to mow my lawn!

(Clanking, drilling)

Strikemaster ice: Word up, d.
These two got mad skills!

Drago: They're gonna
have mad scars if...

Mc cobra: Somebody order a sub?

Strikemaster ice: Yo,
that is one sweet ride.

Come on, d.
Give my boys some props!

Strikemaster ice: Yo, got it.
Keepin' it low-key.

Black: All right, Jackie.

Brace yourselves for splashdown.

Jackie: Balance, tohru.

Tohru: Jackie?

Jackie, muffled: Ohh...

Are we there yet?

Maintain course, tohru.

I believe the oceanic
àis directly below us.

(Sniff, sniff)

What is that odor?

(Sniff, sniff)

Jade: Hi, Jackie.

Jackie: Jade...

Jade: I know, I know.
Too dangerous.

But you need me, uncle Jackie.

Ok, fine. I'll leave.

Jackie: Very funny!

We are 20,000 leagues under the
sea, and...

(sniff, sniff)

Oh!
Why do you smell like garlic?

Jade: Not me.

It's coming from...

Uncle: Hi, Jackie.

Jackie: Uncle!

Jade: Great minds think alike.

Uncle: Wipe sourpuss off face!

Uncle is not infectious!

Now get uncle a blanket.
It's freezing in sub!

Strikemaster ice: Dropzone dead
ahead, homies.

Yo, fist, drago say east
or west of the glacier?

Strikemaster ice: Yo,
we don't ski till we get the chi.

You feel me?

Jackie: Tohru,
you must drive more carefully!

Tohru: I do not understand.

There are no rock
formations in this area.

Jade: Uh, Jackie?

Uncle: Aiiii-yaaaah!

Giant crab monster!

Jade: I never thought I'd be on
this end of a submarine sandwich.

Jade: Oh, uncle!
Isn't there some kind of

"crab be gone" mojo you can do?

Uncle: Magic must defeat
magic, not overgrown shellfish!

Jackie: You are right, uncle!

Crab must defeat crab!

(Jackie, uncle,
tohru, Jade yelling)

(Lobster screeches)

Tohru: Oh...
I fear we are only making him angrier.

Jade: Let's see how you do
against a video game pro.

Hang right, crew. We're about to
experience a little turbulence!

(Screeches)

Make a wish.

Yes! He's crab cakes now!

Uncle: Aiii-yaaah!

Jackie gasps: It is the oceanic!

Jade: Come on, slowpoke.

Jackie: Jade,
you are staying inside the sub.

Jade: Ohh...

Jackie: It is an enormous ship.

Finding the castanets among
the wreckage will not be easy.

Uncle: So use chi-o-matic!

Jackie: Under water?

Uncle: Baggie
seals in freshness.

(Metal creaks, shifts)

Jackie: Ow!

But uncle,
we found the immortal castanets!

Uncle: Yes. And chi-o-matic is
soaked like overcooked noodle!

Cannot do removal spell until it is dry!
(Sub engine struggles)

Tohru: I believe we may have
a bigger problem, sensei.

Uncle: I know!
Uncle is running out of garlic!

Tohru: No. I'm afraid our submarine
is not rising to the surface.

Jackie: Hmm. It must have been
damaged by the giant crab.

We will have to
jettison some weight.

Tohru: I'm sorry.
I am not a very good swimmer.

Jade: No prob. I'll go.

Jackie: No, you will not, Jade.

I will go.

Jade: Fine!
But only because you weigh more...

A lot more! A whole lot...

Uncle: Jackie!

Do not surface too quickly
or you will get the bends.

Jade: He gets a
German luxury car?

Jackie: No, Jade.
The bends is a condition

that occurs when a
diver rises too quickly.

Tohru: I have heard that the
pressure change can cause wooziness,

delirium, or worse.

Jackie: Yes.
I will swim very, very slowly.

Strikemaster ice:
Yo, peep this, dawgs.

The man with the castanets.

After we get them clackers, we can
leave chan to sleep with the fishes.

Mc cobra: Oh, that's whacked.
You lost him, bro!

Strikemaster ice: Yo,
chan must have booked for the surface.

But it's all good.
We'll be waitin'.

Jade gasps: Jackie!

Uncle: Aaiii-yaah!

Uncle told him not
to swim quickly!

Nephew never listens.

(Jackie grunts)

Luckily,
I avoided betting the gends.

I... hee hee hee!

I mean I... ooh!

Ground is all
wobbly like pudding!

I like tapioca.

Jade: Ooh!
Can't this crate move any faster?

Tohru: Unfortunately, no.

Uncle: Jackie can
take care of himself.

Right now,
it is uncle who needs help.

Chi-o-matic must be bone-dry
to operate properly.

Tohru: Perhaps you can use this.

Jade: You brought a hair
dryer on a deep-sea mission?

Tohru: Ocean air
gives me the frizzies.

Strikemaster ice: Let's
do some thrashin'!

Jackie: Hello, neighbors.
Nice day.

Strikemaster ice: Oh, yeah!

Nice day to bust open
a can of whoop-chan!

Jackie: Oh, pretty!

You made a snow angel.

Strikemaster ice: Get him, yo!

Jackie: We play Patty cake?

Strikemaster ice: All right, fool.
Enough reindeer games.

Hand over the castanets.

Jackie: Cast a net?
Oh! We go fishing?

I like fishies!

Strikemaster ice: Chan,
you feelin' all right?

Jackie: Peachy keen.

Jade: Come on!
We gotta find Jackie!

Uncle: Uncle will stay here,

finish styling chi-o-matic.

Strikemaster ice: Yo,
got me a burnin' desire

for those castanets, chan.

Jackie: Ooh! Pretty fireworks.

Is it Chinese new year already?

Jade: Didn't anyone ever tell you
smoking's bad for your health?

Strikemaster ice: Shrimp,
you headed for the Barbie.

Jackie: Oh ho!
We play freeze tag?

You are it.

Jade: Avalanche, comin' at ya.

Tohru: Jackie,
are you all right?

Jackie: Yes,
but you two are very wobbly.

Wobbly is a funny word.

Rhymes with gobbly. Hee he.

Jade: He has so got the bends.

Jackie: I do? What a nice car!

Yay for me!

Oh! Hello again, buddy!

Jade: Charge!

Uncle: Yu mo guai
guey à fi Dee tsao...

Ah-choo!

Yu mo guai guey à fi de tsao...

Drago: Crunchy metal outside,

gooey chi filling inside.

Uncle: You want
a piece of uncle?

Drago: Gonna be several pieces
of uncle when I'm through!

Uncle: Eeeeaaaaah!

Jackie: Hee hee!
Look at the flying old man!

Jade: Climb aboard, t.
I'll steer.

Tohru: We're coming, sensei.

Uncle: Take your time! No hurry.

Jackie: Wheeee!

(Drago growls)

Drago: Anyone up for
some flame-enco dancing?

And now,
for the main attraction...

Uncle: Aiii-yaah!

Drago is absorbing
power of tchangzu,

the thunder demon!

Jackie: Ooh! Pretty.

Drago, as Elvis: Tchangzu.
Tchangzu very much.

And don't even think
about following me.

Much as I'd love
to stay and chill,

I'll leave that to you.

Jackie: A skating rink. Fun!

Jade: Well,
this turned out well.

Drago gets the thunder power,

we're stuck in the middle of the
ocean on a melting chunk of ice...

(Sniffs) And somebody
so needs a breath mint!

Tohru: And it appears
that a storm is brewing.

Black: Need a lift?

Jackie: Whirly-birdy!

Black: Jackie has a
bad case of the bends.

Needs to decompress
for 48 hours.

Same for uncle.

Uncle: Let uncle out!

Jade: Poor guy.
Totally delusional.

Tohru: I do not
understand, Jade.

Why did you tell captain black
that sensei had the bends?

Jade: You kidding?
That garlic smell was making me gag!

I figure, 2 days in solitary,

good-bye, major stink.

Uncle: Let uncle out!
Aaiiii-yaaah!

Jackie: I hear knock-knock.
Who's there?

Hee hee. I like monkeys.

And wax lips.

This is a nice phone booth.

Ooh, look, I can make funny
sounds with my underarms!

Hee hee hee hee!
Oop... 'scuse me.

Jade: Hey, Jackie,
do you like to surf the web?

Jackie: I want to surf
something I want to surf.

I'm not like...

How do you say?
Surf the whole day.

Lotta people just...
nothing to do, just surf, surf.

No, I just surf one thing.
The things I want to know I surf.

Then after that I leave.