Jackie Chan Adventures (2000–2005): Season 4, Episode 7 - Half a Mask of Kung-Fu - full transcript
The Chans and the Dark Hand try to buy an Oni mask offered on an online auction. Neither wins, the winning bidder is familiar to both sides. The mask is split during a fight. Each side possess half a mask, but the mask does not want to be separated.
Hmm.
Peculiar little
slice of americana.
Eh, stop!
You must not buy that mask.
Uh, please, uh...
Buy this one instead.
That's not a mask.
Uh... Yes, it is. (Chuckles)
See? Unhh! Oh, boy.
Uh... Uhh!
If you want the mask,
it'll be for sale
on my web site,
www. Alfiesantiqueauctions. Com.
You've been deleted, Alfie.
Whoa!
Jackie: I will take that.
Chan!
Crack his skull.
I will send you a check for this later.
Thank you.
Screaming eagle feet!
Bwaa!
Yeeckk!
Crying puppy feet!
Crying puppy feet!
Aaahh!
Why... Won't... This...
Come... Off?
(Grunting)
Uhh! Unhh!
(Gasps)
Aah!
Uhh! Ohh!
Baahh! Ohh!
Angry fist avenges feet!
Oh... Bad day.
Uncle: Www dot what? Dot who?
Ow!
Uncle sent you to find oni mask,
and you return with gibberish!
Jade: Hello?
It's not gibberish.
It's a site on the web!
Ohh, the mask has been
taken by giant spider?!
The world wide web.
It's for sale.
On the Internet. See?
(Uncle mumbles)
So many antiques... For sale?
Jade, why did you not tell uncle
your waffle iron was magic?
Ooh! Here's the oni auction.
Chow: "Chantastic 4"?
You think?
Gentlemen, start your engines.
"Finnhalen"?
That could only be...
Aiyaa! Bid higher!
On it!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Got it. Got it back!
We're in. They're out.
Hello! Good-bye.
Oh, no, you don't!
Oh, yes, we do.
Aha!
And the winner is...
And the winner is...
Filthyrich1?! Filthyrich1?
Who's filthyrich1?!
Who's filthyrich1?!
Jackie: According to
section 13 intelligence,
filthyrich1 lives
in this apartment.
Whoever it is,
I am sure that once we explain
the dangers of the mask,
they will beg us
to take it away.
Tch, unless this filthyrich1 guy
decides he likes the idea of
running his own ninja army.
Valmont?! Valmont?!
Go away.
Ohh!
You're filthyrich1?
But you're not rich...
Just filthy.
Jade: Roomy place you got here.
I may be broke,
but I still have my resources,
and I've caught wind
of your little quest.
Once I have my oni mask in hand,
I shall control an army
of shadowkhan thieves,
and the riches of the
world will be mine!
(Imitates buzzer) Guess
again, Mr. not-so-fancy-pants.
Believe me, valmont,
you do not want
to wear that mask.
I will do what I
please with the mask
that I purchased fair and
square with stolen money.
(Knock on door)
Ahh, that must be the
courier with my win.
Flying tiger kick!
Now, was that really necessary?
Ratso: Ooh,
bigger than my apartment.
It's a palace.
Valmont?! Valmont?! Valmont?!
You're filthyrich1?
But you're not ri...
I am fully aware of the irony.
Enough talk!
Cobra strike!
Hello?!
The mask isn't even here yet!
Duh!
Stay back.
Get out, all of you!
The mask is mine!
Gorilla flings its...
(knock on door)
The mask removal spell is ready.
Huh?!
Tohru, no!
(Knock on door)
Valmont: Come in!
Delivery for Mr. val... aah!
Gotcha!
Hey!
Sorry, I can't let you have this!
Thank you!
Dragon fist!
Got it, Jackie!
Uh, part of it.
Where is the other half?
Right where it belongs.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ha ha ha!
Dude!
(Chuckles)
No way! Ha ha ha!
What? What are you
simpletons laughing at?
Ha ha ha!
One side of your
face is normal...
And the other's all... Demony!
Hee hee hee hee!
A broken mask won't work.
Will it?
He only has half his shadowkhan?
Maybe they'll only
be half as dangerous?
On the contrary.
Half is more than enough
to destroy you completely!
Aah! (Gasps) Whoa.
Yes, my shadowkhan,
destroy them...
And seize the rest of my face.
Aah!
Whoa. They're pretty
gnarly for half pints.
Tohru! The potion!
We must remove valmont's mask!
I have the potion.
Uhh!
Yes!
Whoa! Whoa!
(Gasps) No!
All: Whoa!
Heh. Least I didn't drop this.
We lost the truck!
Jackie: Can you
make more potion?
The key ingredient is
Japanese monkey tears,
and sensei àstill
has the monkey.
I will meet you both
back at the shop.
Aww...
Jade: Hey, Jackie!
Jade!
Where are we going?
To lock that up in section 13,
where valmont cannot get to it.
If his shadowkhan
are this powerful
at half strength,
I do not want to see them whole.
Bwaa! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Ahh!
Sorry! We will just get out here!
Thank you!
Jackie and Jade: Bad day,
bad bay, bad day, bad day!
Bwaa! Aah!
Jackie!
Jade! Run!
Um, wish I could.
Maybe it's time to
summon some backup.
Graah!
Kick their half-butts!
No fair!
My ninjas don't have heads!
About face!
Charge!
Huh?
Jade?
Hey, Jackie.
(Gasps)
Foul! You hit his blind side!
Whoa!
Jackie, we gotta go back.
My guys were just starting
to get the upper hand!
Have you gone crazy?!
Why in the world did you put
that thing on your face?!
Duh! To save us from
valmont's shadowkhan.
Besides, now that it's
attached, valmont can't take it.
Ohh! But who is going
to save us from you?!
The mask is evil, Jade.
It is a matter of time before
it turns you evil, too.
Tch, I can handle it.
One... it's only half the
evil of a regular mask,
and 2...
The next time you call me crazy,
I shall devour your brains!
Heh heh. See your point.
(Cell phone rings)
Hello? Uncle: Jackie.
Uncle! Please tell me
the new potion is ready.
No! Uncle cannot make
more mask removal potion.
You can't?
Key ingredient is
Japanese monkey tears.
But tohru said you
still have the monkey!
Monkey, yes. Tears, no!
Japanese monkeys are not
sentimental creatures.
They weep only
once every 7 years!
Besides,
uncle has no time to make potion.
Too busy selling antiques
with Jade's magic waffle iron.
Ahh, uncle could resell that
ming vase at great profit.
Buy, tohru! Buy!
But, uncle, we need that potion!
Uncle: Then you must find
the vial that you lost!
Higher, tohru! Bid higher!
Ohh. We have to find
the delivery truck.
No problem, Jackie.
I'll just order my half-a-Khan
to chase it down and...
Feast upon the
delicious gray matter
of the helpless mortal inside!
No! No evil feasting,
and I do not want
you summoning the...
Won't have to.
There goes our truck!
Stop!
So, you have failed to
retrieve the rest of me.
Ratso: Ohh,
I thought they'd never leave.
No matter.
I am still powerful enough
to empty every bank vault
in the city.
Cha-ching.
Oh, yeah.
Now you're talking.
Wealth is insignificant!
I must become whole in
order to be powerful enough
to bathe the earth in shadow!
Aww...
Yes, master!
What am I saying?
Money is everything to me.
No, power is what I crave.
Yes, because it can be
used to acquire money.
Power. Money!
Power! Money!
Power! Money!
Power! Money!
Ok, big v.
I can tell you're a
little conflicted here,
so let me just say money...
good.
Yeah. We've been trying the world
domination thing for a while,
and it's not working
out too well.
Silence!
Whoa! Aah! Hey!
I do not want your opinions!
All I want...
Is the other half of my face!
Jade?
Only then shall I be complete!
I must be complete!
Jade, the evil within you
is growing stronger.
You must resist it until
we can find the potion.
Well, we better find it fast,
'cause your brains are
starting to smell awful yummy.
My other half is near.
I sense it!
Could we please just
steal something?
Look.
There's a bank right over...
(Grunts)
Ooh!
Whoopsie-Daisy.
Ohh! Darkness awaits!
But... ohh!
Wait!
(Woof woof woof)
Graah!
Heh. Nice doggie.
No.
(Cell phone rings)
Hello?
It's for you.
Jade, we were in the
middle of a big auction,
and then all the
icons disappeared.
Jade: No problem, t.
Just click on the blinking
supermoose in the corner and...
(demonic) Surrender your soul
to the forces of darkness!
Uh, I will figure
it out on my own.
Tohru! Where is auction?!
(Gasps)
My antiques have been
swallowed by shadow!
He is stopping! Thank goodness!
Valmont,
demonic: Surrender my face...
Or face obliteration!
Well, don't just stand
there, chan!
Be a hero and get
this thing off me!
My guys'll take him, Jackie.
Go nab the potion!
No, I cannot let you...
Do not question me!
(Growls)
(Gasps)
I've been looking for that!
Hey, you shouldn't be back here!
Neither should you!
Brains!
Aah!
Whoa!
My other half,
why must we fight?
Uh, maybe 'cause you're evil?!
Indeed.
We are allies in darkness.
We must join forces.
No, we mustn't!
I'm all right with it,
as long as your forces
join on her face.
Shadowkhan, unite!
Jade, I have the...
Jackie!
Help!
Shadowkhan, attack!
Bad day, bad day, bad day!
No!
Ahh,
the remedy to my affliction.
At last, I shall be complete!
Tch. A complete loser!
Valmont, lather up!
Right, then!
And a-one, and
a-two, grab and pull!
(Mask snarling)
No!
Whoa! Whoa!
Huh? Jade!
Got it! Half of it.
Uh, hello? Want the rest?
I will sell it to you...
For half price?
Diamonds?
Take the mask!
I'm rich!
Whaa!
Adios, valmont.
(Cell phone rings)
Tech support.
Er, Jade, I will have to
buy you a new computer.
I'm afraid sensei à
has crashed this one.
Tch, crashes are a cinch to fix.
Just hit the reset button and...
Uh, no,
I mean he has crashed it...
Onto the floor.
Aiyaa!
Uncle's antique
auctions have vanished!
Magic waffle iron is
forged from dark magic!
It is evil! Evil! Evil!
Hey, Jackie, when did you
start training in martial arts?
I... training martial
art when I was 6 1/2.
10 years Southern style.
Then after that,
I learned northern style,
then after that,
I learned so many different style
like hapkido, tae Kwon do, judo,
uh, karate, and so many things.
Then later on,
I find out everything's the same.
The whole thing
is "martial arts,"
but just the title different.
Yeah.
Peculiar little
slice of americana.
Eh, stop!
You must not buy that mask.
Uh, please, uh...
Buy this one instead.
That's not a mask.
Uh... Yes, it is. (Chuckles)
See? Unhh! Oh, boy.
Uh... Uhh!
If you want the mask,
it'll be for sale
on my web site,
www. Alfiesantiqueauctions. Com.
You've been deleted, Alfie.
Whoa!
Jackie: I will take that.
Chan!
Crack his skull.
I will send you a check for this later.
Thank you.
Screaming eagle feet!
Bwaa!
Yeeckk!
Crying puppy feet!
Crying puppy feet!
Aaahh!
Why... Won't... This...
Come... Off?
(Grunting)
Uhh! Unhh!
(Gasps)
Aah!
Uhh! Ohh!
Baahh! Ohh!
Angry fist avenges feet!
Oh... Bad day.
Uncle: Www dot what? Dot who?
Ow!
Uncle sent you to find oni mask,
and you return with gibberish!
Jade: Hello?
It's not gibberish.
It's a site on the web!
Ohh, the mask has been
taken by giant spider?!
The world wide web.
It's for sale.
On the Internet. See?
(Uncle mumbles)
So many antiques... For sale?
Jade, why did you not tell uncle
your waffle iron was magic?
Ooh! Here's the oni auction.
Chow: "Chantastic 4"?
You think?
Gentlemen, start your engines.
"Finnhalen"?
That could only be...
Aiyaa! Bid higher!
On it!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Got it. Got it back!
We're in. They're out.
Hello! Good-bye.
Oh, no, you don't!
Oh, yes, we do.
Aha!
And the winner is...
And the winner is...
Filthyrich1?! Filthyrich1?
Who's filthyrich1?!
Who's filthyrich1?!
Jackie: According to
section 13 intelligence,
filthyrich1 lives
in this apartment.
Whoever it is,
I am sure that once we explain
the dangers of the mask,
they will beg us
to take it away.
Tch, unless this filthyrich1 guy
decides he likes the idea of
running his own ninja army.
Valmont?! Valmont?!
Go away.
Ohh!
You're filthyrich1?
But you're not rich...
Just filthy.
Jade: Roomy place you got here.
I may be broke,
but I still have my resources,
and I've caught wind
of your little quest.
Once I have my oni mask in hand,
I shall control an army
of shadowkhan thieves,
and the riches of the
world will be mine!
(Imitates buzzer) Guess
again, Mr. not-so-fancy-pants.
Believe me, valmont,
you do not want
to wear that mask.
I will do what I
please with the mask
that I purchased fair and
square with stolen money.
(Knock on door)
Ahh, that must be the
courier with my win.
Flying tiger kick!
Now, was that really necessary?
Ratso: Ooh,
bigger than my apartment.
It's a palace.
Valmont?! Valmont?! Valmont?!
You're filthyrich1?
But you're not ri...
I am fully aware of the irony.
Enough talk!
Cobra strike!
Hello?!
The mask isn't even here yet!
Duh!
Stay back.
Get out, all of you!
The mask is mine!
Gorilla flings its...
(knock on door)
The mask removal spell is ready.
Huh?!
Tohru, no!
(Knock on door)
Valmont: Come in!
Delivery for Mr. val... aah!
Gotcha!
Hey!
Sorry, I can't let you have this!
Thank you!
Dragon fist!
Got it, Jackie!
Uh, part of it.
Where is the other half?
Right where it belongs.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ha ha ha!
Dude!
(Chuckles)
No way! Ha ha ha!
What? What are you
simpletons laughing at?
Ha ha ha!
One side of your
face is normal...
And the other's all... Demony!
Hee hee hee hee!
A broken mask won't work.
Will it?
He only has half his shadowkhan?
Maybe they'll only
be half as dangerous?
On the contrary.
Half is more than enough
to destroy you completely!
Aah! (Gasps) Whoa.
Yes, my shadowkhan,
destroy them...
And seize the rest of my face.
Aah!
Whoa. They're pretty
gnarly for half pints.
Tohru! The potion!
We must remove valmont's mask!
I have the potion.
Uhh!
Yes!
Whoa! Whoa!
(Gasps) No!
All: Whoa!
Heh. Least I didn't drop this.
We lost the truck!
Jackie: Can you
make more potion?
The key ingredient is
Japanese monkey tears,
and sensei àstill
has the monkey.
I will meet you both
back at the shop.
Aww...
Jade: Hey, Jackie!
Jade!
Where are we going?
To lock that up in section 13,
where valmont cannot get to it.
If his shadowkhan
are this powerful
at half strength,
I do not want to see them whole.
Bwaa! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Ahh!
Sorry! We will just get out here!
Thank you!
Jackie and Jade: Bad day,
bad bay, bad day, bad day!
Bwaa! Aah!
Jackie!
Jade! Run!
Um, wish I could.
Maybe it's time to
summon some backup.
Graah!
Kick their half-butts!
No fair!
My ninjas don't have heads!
About face!
Charge!
Huh?
Jade?
Hey, Jackie.
(Gasps)
Foul! You hit his blind side!
Whoa!
Jackie, we gotta go back.
My guys were just starting
to get the upper hand!
Have you gone crazy?!
Why in the world did you put
that thing on your face?!
Duh! To save us from
valmont's shadowkhan.
Besides, now that it's
attached, valmont can't take it.
Ohh! But who is going
to save us from you?!
The mask is evil, Jade.
It is a matter of time before
it turns you evil, too.
Tch, I can handle it.
One... it's only half the
evil of a regular mask,
and 2...
The next time you call me crazy,
I shall devour your brains!
Heh heh. See your point.
(Cell phone rings)
Hello? Uncle: Jackie.
Uncle! Please tell me
the new potion is ready.
No! Uncle cannot make
more mask removal potion.
You can't?
Key ingredient is
Japanese monkey tears.
But tohru said you
still have the monkey!
Monkey, yes. Tears, no!
Japanese monkeys are not
sentimental creatures.
They weep only
once every 7 years!
Besides,
uncle has no time to make potion.
Too busy selling antiques
with Jade's magic waffle iron.
Ahh, uncle could resell that
ming vase at great profit.
Buy, tohru! Buy!
But, uncle, we need that potion!
Uncle: Then you must find
the vial that you lost!
Higher, tohru! Bid higher!
Ohh. We have to find
the delivery truck.
No problem, Jackie.
I'll just order my half-a-Khan
to chase it down and...
Feast upon the
delicious gray matter
of the helpless mortal inside!
No! No evil feasting,
and I do not want
you summoning the...
Won't have to.
There goes our truck!
Stop!
So, you have failed to
retrieve the rest of me.
Ratso: Ohh,
I thought they'd never leave.
No matter.
I am still powerful enough
to empty every bank vault
in the city.
Cha-ching.
Oh, yeah.
Now you're talking.
Wealth is insignificant!
I must become whole in
order to be powerful enough
to bathe the earth in shadow!
Aww...
Yes, master!
What am I saying?
Money is everything to me.
No, power is what I crave.
Yes, because it can be
used to acquire money.
Power. Money!
Power! Money!
Power! Money!
Power! Money!
Ok, big v.
I can tell you're a
little conflicted here,
so let me just say money...
good.
Yeah. We've been trying the world
domination thing for a while,
and it's not working
out too well.
Silence!
Whoa! Aah! Hey!
I do not want your opinions!
All I want...
Is the other half of my face!
Jade?
Only then shall I be complete!
I must be complete!
Jade, the evil within you
is growing stronger.
You must resist it until
we can find the potion.
Well, we better find it fast,
'cause your brains are
starting to smell awful yummy.
My other half is near.
I sense it!
Could we please just
steal something?
Look.
There's a bank right over...
(Grunts)
Ooh!
Whoopsie-Daisy.
Ohh! Darkness awaits!
But... ohh!
Wait!
(Woof woof woof)
Graah!
Heh. Nice doggie.
No.
(Cell phone rings)
Hello?
It's for you.
Jade, we were in the
middle of a big auction,
and then all the
icons disappeared.
Jade: No problem, t.
Just click on the blinking
supermoose in the corner and...
(demonic) Surrender your soul
to the forces of darkness!
Uh, I will figure
it out on my own.
Tohru! Where is auction?!
(Gasps)
My antiques have been
swallowed by shadow!
He is stopping! Thank goodness!
Valmont,
demonic: Surrender my face...
Or face obliteration!
Well, don't just stand
there, chan!
Be a hero and get
this thing off me!
My guys'll take him, Jackie.
Go nab the potion!
No, I cannot let you...
Do not question me!
(Growls)
(Gasps)
I've been looking for that!
Hey, you shouldn't be back here!
Neither should you!
Brains!
Aah!
Whoa!
My other half,
why must we fight?
Uh, maybe 'cause you're evil?!
Indeed.
We are allies in darkness.
We must join forces.
No, we mustn't!
I'm all right with it,
as long as your forces
join on her face.
Shadowkhan, unite!
Jade, I have the...
Jackie!
Help!
Shadowkhan, attack!
Bad day, bad day, bad day!
No!
Ahh,
the remedy to my affliction.
At last, I shall be complete!
Tch. A complete loser!
Valmont, lather up!
Right, then!
And a-one, and
a-two, grab and pull!
(Mask snarling)
No!
Whoa! Whoa!
Huh? Jade!
Got it! Half of it.
Uh, hello? Want the rest?
I will sell it to you...
For half price?
Diamonds?
Take the mask!
I'm rich!
Whaa!
Adios, valmont.
(Cell phone rings)
Tech support.
Er, Jade, I will have to
buy you a new computer.
I'm afraid sensei à
has crashed this one.
Tch, crashes are a cinch to fix.
Just hit the reset button and...
Uh, no,
I mean he has crashed it...
Onto the floor.
Aiyaa!
Uncle's antique
auctions have vanished!
Magic waffle iron is
forged from dark magic!
It is evil! Evil! Evil!
Hey, Jackie, when did you
start training in martial arts?
I... training martial
art when I was 6 1/2.
10 years Southern style.
Then after that,
I learned northern style,
then after that,
I learned so many different style
like hapkido, tae Kwon do, judo,
uh, karate, and so many things.
Then later on,
I find out everything's the same.
The whole thing
is "martial arts,"
but just the title different.
Yeah.