JAG (1995–2005): Season 3, Episode 23 - Wedding Bell Blues - full transcript
Bud's father and brother go to DC for the wedding. Bud's father causes much trouble, as does Harriet's mother. Harm's dress whites disappear, but he finds them. Mac bails Harm, Bud, and the admiral out of jail. The wedding goes beautifully.
This way.
MAN:
Hey! Let's go!
I'm getti''
outta here!
Yeah! What about us?
Get us outta here!
(door clanks)
Come with me.
How's the other guy look,
Lieutenant?
Major!
She doesn't look as bad
as he does.
She?
It's a long
story, ma'am.
It better be a good one.
And what's your excuse?
Well, you wouldn't believe me
if I told you.
Bud, you're getting married
in a few hours.
I really appreciate you
coming down here, Major.
I owe you one.
One? You two owe me
a million.
You have any idea
what the Admiral's going to say
when he hears about this?
Oh...
I think he'll understand.
Following in
his father's footsteps
as a naval aviator,
Lieutenant Commander
Harmon Rabb Jr.
suffered a crash
while landing his Tomcat
on a storm-tossed carrier
at sea.
Diagnosed with night blindness,
Harm transferred to the Navy's
Judge Advocate General Corps
which investigates, defends and
prosecutes the law of the sea.
There, with fellow JAG lawyer
Major Sarah MacKenzie,
he now fights in and out
of the courtroom
with the same daring
and tenacity
that made him a top gun
in the air.
MACKENZIE:
I can't believe
they detained you, Admiral.
That makes two of us.
Have you seen
Harriet, ma'am?
I really need to explain
to her what happened.
I'd skip
the explanation, Bud,
and throw myself
on the mercy of the court.
What exactly
happened?
I have no idea.
I think it started
a couple of days ago,
when Rabb made
the headlines.
Believe me, Admiral,
it wasn't me!
CHEGWIDDEN:
"A naval aviator ran amok
"at Washington's ultra hip club
Vertigo last night,
"bringing new meaning
to the old song
"'what do you do with
a drunken sailor?'
"The dashing top gun
"was last seen mooning
police officers
before disappearing into
the night in full afterburner."
What are you guys
looking at me for?
You're the only
Lieutenant Commander I know
with wings and
a JAG insignia
on the shoulder boards.
Does kind of look
like you, Harm.
What do you think,
Carolyn?
Ooh, guilty as charged.
(both laughing)
It wasn't me, Admiral.
For one thing,
I was here with
the Lieutenant
until 2230
last night
working on
the Holbart case.
He was, sir.
And I don't even
have my dress whites
at the moment.
They're at the cleaners.
Harm Rabb.
R-A-B-B.
I don't see
your name, Ham.
Harm.
Ham!
I've been bringing
my uniforms here
for three years, Mr. Marvel.
Then you should be
in the computer.
Maybe they're
under your wife's name.
I'm not married.
Neela!
This handsome young man
who's very single
has lost his uniform.
(speaking Hindi)
No, I didn't lose
my uniform.
You lost my uniform, sir.
Do you have a ticket?
No.
Why do you think
we give you a ticket?
It's "Lieutenant Commander
Harmon Rabb."
Service dress white
naval uniform.
My daughter works too hard.
I keep saying
she should go out more.
She's young.
She should have some more fun!
What do you think, Ham?
I think that you should
find my uniform, sir.
I have a wedding
on Saturday.
$9.65. Next time
bring your ticket.
This is not my uniform.
Oh, yes, it is.
Naval dress
white uniform.
These are Ensign bars.
This is not my uniform.
Look.
What's wrong
with this picture?
I do alterations.
(giggles)
(sighs)
Bud, you ready to go over
that Crothers file?
Uh, yes, ma'am.
Is this part
of the Crothers file?
Uh, no, no.
That's a, uh...
personal file
I'm just going
to get rid of.
Are you okay, Bud?
I'm-I'm fine, ma'am.
I'm just a little nervous--
you know, first
case and all.
Of course it couldn't
have anything to do
with the fact
that you're getting married
in three days, two hours
and 36 minutes?
May I?
Is this you?
Yeah. I, uh, wanted
to be a cowboy
when I grew up.
What is all this?
It's just my "future" file--
pictures of stuff that
I wanted to do in life.
You wanted
to be a rabbi?
I wanted to go
to the Holy Land.
And cruise
across America.
(chuckling)
I guess I don't need that,
now that I have Harriet.
So, uh, why are you
throwing it all away?
I'm... probably not
going to get a chance
to do any of it, now
that I'm getting married.
Why not? Marriage
isn't about
losing your freedom, Bud,
despite what you
may have been told
by JAG's bachelor brigade.
Being married is
about having someone
to share your dreams with.
I know Harriet loves to travel.
And I bet she'd look pretty hot
on the back of a motorcycle.
(chuckling)
Yeah.
Thanks, Major.
You're welcome.
Oh, but... you might have
to give up the swimsuit model.
Right.
WOMAN:
You've been blessed
with the Beaumont
cleavage.
It's a crime
to hide it!
Mother, I want something
old-fashioned.
This is a wedding,
Harriet,
not an antique show.
Now turn around,
darling.
It's her wedding
and she knows
what she wants.
She has since
she was six.
And look where it's got her.
Mother...
I liked the one
you tried on first, honey.
Why do you always
agree with Harriet?
Just once, I would like for you
to agree with me.
I agree with you, Lydia--
when you're right.
Thank you, Dad.
I am just trying to keep her
from making any more mistakes.
And what was my first mistake,
Mother?
Never marry a man
named after a dog.
Dad!
ROBERT:
In Roth v. Higgins
it defines
the elements for desertion.
I think it really gives us
something to go on.
Have you considered going
for the lesser charge?
Unauthorized absence?
Yes!
Major, I have an ironclad case.
The penalties
are almost the same, Bud,
and it's easier to prove.
You don't think
I can do it.
Bud, Harm and I
told the Admiral you were
ready to be trial counsel.
Maybe you were just being nice.
Okay, let's so for desertion.
What have you got?
I have...
all the elements to prove
intent to shirk
important service.
Seaman Crothers was
assigned to garbage duty
when he absented himself
without authority.
Well, it's my intent
to argue
that all service
is important service,
no matter how trivial.
Ah. Sir, did you
find your uniform?
No.
Sir, the wedding's
in three days!
I know, Bud.
And you're my best man.
Bud...
Sir, it's a military ceremony.
If you're not wearing
your dress whites,
I don't even know
if you can go.
Lieutenant!
Relax.
I'll have my dress whites.
Everything will run
like clockwork.
It's all going to be fine.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm not acting
like I usually do.
Yeah, you are.
Bud, it's natural
for the groom to be nervous.
But you've got nothing
to be worried about.
Harriet's got this wedding
planned better
than Desert Storm.
What could go wrong?
Buddy!
(laughing)
Dad! Please!
Hey, son! Huh?
Hey, Buddy.
Hey, Mikey.
Look at you.
You've grown,
little brother.
Well, you, too.
Look at you!
Hey, hey, hey, you going to
introduce your father
or do I have to do it?
Lieutenant Commander Rabb,
Major MacKenzie,
this is...
Buddy's old man.
(chuckling)
Master Chief Roberts.
U.S.N.
Retired.
Well, it's nice
to meet you, sir.
I've heard a lot about you,
Commander.
And you, too, Major.
Too bad about your guy
getting shot, but...
the world's gone
all to hell.
Nice to meet you, Master Chief.
Hey, let's not stand
on formality.
My friends call me Bud.
Big Bud.
And this is
my brother, Mikey.
Sir, ma'am.
Shake hands...
While you can.
Sorry, sir.
You won't be able to
once you enlist.
Ma'am.
So, uh...
Where's, uh... Henrietta?
Harriet. She's getting
her wedding dress altered.
Oh. Taken in or...
Taken out?
(laughing)
Hey, this isn't
a shotgun wedding, is it?
No!
I just wondered
if you took after
your old man, son.
(laughing)
(Big Bud laughing)
I'm kidding.
It's not funny, Dad.
So, Mikey,
your brother
tells us you're going
to art school.
Well, I hope to, sir.
The Navy taught me
all I ever needed to know
and it'll do
the same for you.
Bud, we have
a witness to interview.
Bud's trying his
first case tomorrow.
I'm prosecuting.
You're no lawyer.
Any commissioned
officer's qualified
to prosecute
in a special court-martial,
Master Chief.
Especially
since Bud passed
his mid-year law finals
with honors.
Well, I guess it's, uh...
prosecuting's a lot easier
than defending.
I guess we better get going,
Major.
Mikey, it was great
seeing you.
Will I see you later?
Absolutely.
Maybe you will,
maybe you won't.
I'm taking Mikey
down to Norfolk
to show him what the
real Navy is like.
In fact,
I may enlist him.
No, you won't, Dad.
Yeah? Why not?
Because I'm in the wedding,
right, Bud?
Right.
Nice to meet you,
Master Chief.
(laughing)
It's what they all say, Major.
That reminds me.
Friday night I'm throwing
this little bon voyage party
for Buddy.
Couple of my ex-shipmates
will be there
and I'd like to invite you
and Admiral Chug-a-waggen.
Chegwidden.
I'd be delighted to come.
I'm sure the Admiral would, too.
It's going to be one
of those old-fashioned, uh,
crossing-the-line
type ceremonies.
You know?
You have crossed
the line,
haven't you, Commander?
Only the equator, sir.
(laughing)
RABB:
This is not my uniform.
One-forty-seven.
One-forty-seven.
This is your uniform.
This is a police uniform.
Mine are Navy dress whites.
I'm a JAG lawyer.
My brother-in-law
is the Johnnie Cochran
of Calcutta.
So don't threaten me, Ham.
I'm not threatening you,
Mr. Marvel.
I just want my uniform.
Look, this belongs
to Joe Garvey
I'm sure he probably
has my uniform.
You have an address
on this guy?
Yeah. He's
a good customer.
He's in the computer.
Give me his address.
Can't do that.
(speaking Hindi)
(laughs)
Okay, Ham, for you
I'll make an exception.
Thank you.
Don't thank me.
Thank my daughter
when you take her
out to dinner.
Are you ready,
Lieutenant Roberts?
Yes, sir, I am.
You may call
your first witness.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Government calls Edward Grainger
to the stand.
Mr. Grainger,
you own Metro Fuel?
Yes.
And you hired Robert Crothers
as a mechanic?
Yes.
When Robert Crothers filled out
his employment application
did he tell you he was a seaman
in the United States Navy?
No.
Thank you, sir.
That will be all.
Robby's a good worker.
Your Honor...
The government has
no further questions.
I don't think it's fair
you don't let me tell
the whole story.
I'm going to give you
that chance, sir.
Mr. Grainger, you say
that Mr. Crothers was
a good worker...
Ensign.
Yes, sir. Could I speak
to you for one second, sir?
Speak away.
Uh, classified, sir.
Classified?
Operation Clove-hitch.
Clove-hitch?
Tying the knot, sir.
Oh.
That'll be all, Tiner.
Aye, sir.
Ensign.
Ma'am, do you own an apartment
building at 56 Seventh Street?
Yes.
And is Robert Crothers
a tenant at that address?
Yes, he is.
For how long?
Nine years.
And about how far away
from this apartment building
is Andrews Air Force Base?
Oh, about six minutes by car.
Thank you, ma'am.
No further questions.
That's all?
Yes, ma'am.
Robby is my best tenant.
Ma'am, thank you.
That will be all.
Your Honor, the government
has no further questions.
(intercom buzzes)
Yes?
Undersecretary Jakowski's
on line one, Admiral.
Uh, take a message.
He says it's about
the Russel hearing, sir.
Tell him I'll call him back
in 15 minutes, Tiner.
I'm right in the middle
of something.
Mmm.
I'd go with the salmon,
the avocado and the pate.
What about the caviar, sir?
Too ostentatious.
Ensign, nobody really likes
fish eggs.
Oh.
Now get this away from me
before I eat
the whole thing.
No.
Thank you, sir.
You don't know how much
this means to me.
Glad I could help.
If you ever get tired
of the Navy,
you could make a fortune
as a wedding planner.
Don't spread that around.
I'd hate to have to kill you.
(nervous laughter)
And that's when you pulled
Seaman Crothers over?
Yes.
And...
before...
uh... before you wrote
Seaman Crothers a ticket
for driving
without a taillight,
what did you do?
I ran his name
through the database
to see if there were
any warrants out.
That is standard procedure.
What did you find?
That there was an outstanding
government warrant
for the seaman's
arrest.
ROBERTS:
Then what
did you do?
I placed him under arrest
and advised him of his rights.
Now, at any time,
did Seaman Crothers inform you
that he was an unauthorized
absentee from the Navy
or that he was even a member
of the United States Navy?
No, he did not.
Thank you, sir.
That will be all.
During the ten years
that he was absent,
Seaman Crothers did not attempt
to turn himself in,
even though he lived
six minutes away
from a military facility.
He did not reveal
that he was in the service
on his employment application.
The only reason Seaman Crothers
came forward now
was that he was arrested.
Seaman Crothers is guilty
of desertion under Article 85
of the uniform code
of military justice.
MAN:
All rise.
Please be seated.
Is the defense ready
for judgment?
We are, Your Honor.
In the case
of United States
v. Seaman Robert Crothers,
United States Navy, we find
the accused guilty
of the charge
and specification
of desertion.
Congratulations, counselor.
(whistling)
Mr. Roberts.
Sir.
The sentencing phase
of the court-martial
will begin
tomorrow at 0900.
And please leave your cheering
section at home, Lieutenant.
This is a courtroom,
not American Gladiators.
Yes, Your Honor.
Sorry, sir.
Looked like Bud did
a good job in there.
He had a good teacher
and he probably got
a few pointers from you, too.
Ha, ha.
Nothing changes.
I never met an officer
with a sense of humor.
I thought you were taking
Mikey over to Norfolk.
And miss you
playing Matlock?
You did a good job, Bud.
Mom would have been proud.
BIG BUD:
Proud of what?
Screwing up
some poor guy's life
who isn't hurting anybody?
MIKE:
Don't listen
to him, Bud.
Watch it.
So, uh, when are we going
to meet this girl of yours?
We're having dinner
with her tonight.
How's my hair?
You got
your mother's hair,
but the Navy's going
to take care of all of that.
Cut it all off in Boot.
Hair looks great, Mikey.
See you later.
BIG BUD:
First time I told Bud
about the birds and the bees,
he cried.
Thank God he was going
into the Navy the next day
and I didn't have
to listen to him.
He's just kidding.
Buddy's never had much luck
with the opposite sex.
And do you think
Harriet has?
Hey, I think
he did a pretty good job.
Thank you, Mikey.
You're okay in my book.
So, uh, Rollo,
I hear you have
a yacht.
Well, a small yacht.
It's not that small, Roland.
Big enough
for Mikey and me
to take a little
shakedown cruise?
Ah, Dad...
Anytime.
I'm going to take you
up on that, Roland.
So what are your plans
for the future, Michael?
Well, my dad wants me
to go into the Navy.
Well, the Navy has always been
very good for your family.
ROLAND:
What do you want
to do, Mikey?
Oh.
You want to draw
on the back of menus?
I want to be a cartoonist.
BIG BUD:
Can you beat that?
Cartoons.
Can you make a living
doing that?
Charles Schulz, Scott Adam
and Gary Larson do.
You need something steady
to fall back on
like, like welding.
I think Mike should do
what he wants to do.
Hmm. Follow his bliss.
WOMAN:
His bliss?
BIG BUD:
I'll give him bliss.
I'll blister his behind
if he doesn't go
into the Navy.
No, you're not, Dad.
Oh, yeah?
What are you going to do
about it-- sue me?
(laughing)
He just might.
I understand you won
your first case today.
Congratulations.
Thank you, sir.
I'm sorry.
No. I am sorry.
My mother is completely
out of control.
At least your dad
isn't throwing you
a bachelor party
at a strip club.
Eww.
I know.
Will you still marry me?
If you back out on me now,
I'm going to kill you.
Dad, you've had
too much to drink.
What, are you telling
me how to drive?
MIKE:
I'm just saying
you've had
a lot to drink and
you should let me drive.
Yeah, well, I think
you should shut up
and get in the car,
or you can walk.
RABB:
It was nice to meet
your brother
and your dad today.
The Master Chief's
a real colorful guy.
(chuckles)
He's colorful, all right.
Spend enough time with him,
you end up black and blue.
He's abusive?
Let's just put it this way--
his idea of tough love
is bouncing your head
against a wall.
Wow.
If you feel this way
about him, Bud,
why did you invite him
to your wedding?
He's my dad.
You know how it is.
Harriet thought
he should be here.
Does Harriet know he's abusive?
No. No. You can't tell
something like that
to your fiancee.
I think you might be wrong
about that one, Bud.
Abused kids
become abusive parents.
I'm afraid that
she'll think that
I'll want to hit our children.
I think Harriet knows you
a little better than that.
You try talking to him
about it?
He only talks
about three things:
The Navy, baseball
and women.
I'm worried about Mikey.
Well, maybe it's time
to take some action on this.
Bring it out in the open.
I spent a whole lifetime trying
to get away from all of that.
I don't know if I could go
through it again.
JUDGE:
Seaman Crothers,
you have the right
to submit evidence
on your behalf
in extenuation and mitigation.
Your Honor, I'd just like
to apologize to the Navy
and to my unit members
for what I did.
I was young, stupid,
when I went U.A., and...
I didn't know
how to fix it.
Thank you, sir.
Mr. Roberts, do you have any
argument to make on sentencing?
Your Honor, given
Seaman Crothers's conviction
of this offense,
desertion for ten years,
as well as the manner
in which
his absence was terminated,
the government submits
that his military service
was not honorable
and requests
a bad conduct discharge.
The government
further recognizes
that since Seaman Crothers
committed that offense
he's been an upstanding citizen,
an excellent employee
and a good provider
for his young family.
It is not the government's
desire nor intent
to cause his family to suffer
for Seaman Crothers's
youthful folly.
Therefore,
the government requests
that there be no forfeiture
of pay or confinement.
Your Honor, I concur
with Mr. Roberts' statement.
I find it both just
and compassionate.
Would the defendant please rise.
Seaman Robert Crothers,
I hereby
sentence you
with a bad conduct discharge
and no further punishment.
This court-martial
is adjourned.
(gavel raps)
Had a change
of heart?
I think you
were right, Major.
I shouldn't have
gone for desertion.
This is a lot more than
a law school exercise.
I'm impressed, Bud.
Come on. I'll buy you
a celebratory cappuccino.
You mind if I take
a rain check?
I just want to sit
here for a minute.
Sure.
RABB:
Hi. I'm looking for Joe Garvey.
Why?
Uh, there was
a mix-up at the dry cleaners.
I, uh, wound up
with his uniform
and I think
that he has mine.
He, uh, doesn't
live here anymore.
Are you a pilot?
Sometimes.
What airline?
The United States Navy.
I hear they're good.
You wouldn't
happen to know
where I might find
Joe, would you?
Well, if he
still has a job
he'll be working
9:00 to midnight
at the Rocketmen.
It's an alley club
off Bedford.
Okay.
By chance, did he leave
a set of dress whites here?
I hope not.
I gave all of his stuff
to the Salvation Army.
I don't care
what my mother ordered!
I don't want a mermaid!
I want a swan!
No, no, no, you listen to me.
Listen. No!
No. I am getting married
in less than 24 hours,
so don't tell me
about pressure, okay?!
I'm about this close
to going bridal!
Now, if I don't see an ice swan
on my buffet table tomorrow,
somebody's going to find you
floating facedown
in a bouillabaisse!
Are you okay, Ensign?
Just peachy, Major.
I think that you need
to try to relax
and enjoy this,
Harriet.
Look, why don't you let
me take you out tonight.
We can have dinner,
maybe a few laughs.
That'd be fun,
but my mom's planning
that stupid
girls'-night-out thing.
Oh, right.
Could it get
any worse than that?
You are still coming
with me, aren't you?
I mean, I know it's a lot
to ask and everything but...
I am your Maid
of Honor, Harriet.
I'm also a Marine.
I think I can
handle your mother.
(groans nervously)
(dance music playing)
Sure you want to go
through with this, Admiral?
CHEGWIDDEN:
No.
Admiral,
Commander.
Sorry. I had no idea
it was going
to be like this.
Don't worry
about it.
Sir, thank you for coming.
It really means a lot to me.
It's the least
we could do, Bud.
Every condemned man
needs his last hurrah.
You're joking,
right, sir?
I mean, about
the condemned part?
Course we are, Bud.
Marriage is the
greatest institution
on earth.
We're envious
of you.
Well, then, sir...
Sir? Sir?
Why are you both
still single, then?
Envious, not stupid.
MIKE:
No, thanks.
BIG BUD:
Take it.
I don't like
beer, Dad.
What do you mean
you don't like beer?
You want a pineapple
with an umbrella in it?
I've got a soda.
Hey, it's time you
became a man.
Now, you either
take this beer...
Hey!
He said he didn't
want the beer.
(chuckles)
Lucky for
you, Buddy,
this is your
bachelor party,
'cause I'm gonna
cut you some slack.
Come on, Mikey.
You don't have
to follow him.
It's better
that I do, Bud.
Bud.
I got to disappear
for a while.
I got to talk to a guy
about my uniform.
You still don't have
your dress whites?
Sir, the wedding
is tomorrow!
You're my best man!
You don't have your
dress whites,
I don't even know
if you can come!
Admiral, will you order
the Lieutenant to relax?
Relax, Lieutenant.
Aye, aye, sir.
(sighs)
Hey, any of you guys
Joe Garvey?
He's onstage.
Hey, this area's
off-limits.
The uniform belongs
to me, Buddy.
I just want the uniform.
Wrong answer.
Hey, pal, look.
I don't want
any trouble, all right?
I got a wedding
in the morning.
I need the uniform.
Look, I'm warning
you right now,
I'm a black belt.
Don't make me hurt you.
And I'm warning you right now.
I'm a lawyer.
Don't make me sue you.
Really?
Yeah.
You ever handle
any sexual harassment suits?
What?!
The owner here's
got a bad habit
of pinching me every
time I walk past.
It's kind of
humiliating.
Thanks.
BIG BUD:
Commander!
Hey!
(laughing)
Commander, I thought you'd
abandoned ship on us.
Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, girls!
Come over and meet
Commander Rabb!
Hey. Where's Bud?!
Last time
I saw him,
he was moving
towards the head
with one
of the gals.
I didn't think he
had it in him myself.
I'll go get him.
Excuse me, ladies.
(chuckling)
Say, ladies...
you're not going to charge me
extra for this, are you?
Oh... well, what the hell.
Commander, where
have you been?!
This party's getting
out of control!
I'll say.
You seen the Admiral, Bud?
They denied my dad's
credit card.
The Admiral's talking
to the club manager.
Wow. What's wrong with her?
I think she needs
a doctor, sir.
Well, how much
did she have to drink?
Nothing.
I think it's
morning sickness.
You're kidding, right?
No. I have a pregnancy
test in my purse.
I was going to do it
this afternoon
but I had a tort final
and I just ran out of time.
You're in
law school?!
My third year
at George Mason.
No way.
I'm in my
second year.
Do you know
Professor Wilton?
I hate to interrupt
this campus chat,
but I'd like to find
the Admiral.
Where's the manager's office?
Around the corner
to the left.
Pardon?
Around the corner
to the left!
Thanks.
So, this is
your bachelor party?
Yeah. I'm getting
married tomorrow.
So, who's
the lucky lady?
Mother!
(giggling)
ANNOUNCER:
Show him what you think
of him, ladies.
HARRIET:
No. No, thank you.
No, thank you!
Mother, we're going home
right now.
Darling, I still
have 60 bucks left.
How do you think
your father would look
in an outfit
like that?
Mother, don't
even go there!
Come on!
Come on.
Go.
Major, you have to do
me a humungous favor
and please take my mother
back to her hotel.
I really need to
see Bud right now.
Sure.
Thank you.
Where's she going?
To see Bud.
Well, why on earth
would she do that?
Because she loves him.
Oh.
Admiral.
Just gave that man
all my cash
and my watch
as collateral.
MAN:
$300.... $320...
Well, I take it you're
ready to leave, then, sir.
Very.
Hi. I'm Big Bud.
You want to hear
something funny?
Why don't we rescue
the Lieutenant
on the way out, sir?
Dad, leave her alone.
(grunts)
(grunts)
Come on!
No, we got to help Bud.
It's every man for himself
in a bar fight. Move!
Whoa!
Whoa... whoa!
BIG BUD:
Three, two, one, go!
My name is Admiral
A.J. Chegwidden.
Yeah, I know.
Remember me?
United States Navy
v. Seaman Moska?
Did I defend you?
Prosecuted.
Those handcuffs aren't
too tight, are they, sir?
Bud, what's going on?
Harriet! What are
you doing here?
Buddy, I'm pregnant!
MRS. SIMS:
Harriet, you have got
to get a grip.
You are getting married
in less than half an hour.
No, Mother, I'm not.
It is not like
a Beaumont to quit.
I am not a Beaumont.
I'm an Ensign
in the United States Navy.
I am sick as a dog
and my fiance got beat up
by a pregnant stripper
last night.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Uh, just a minute.
It's your future husband.
I have no idea
who that might be.
She's still getting dressed,
Bud.
I'll have her call you
when she's ready.
Okay.
Harriet's going
to call off the wedding.
She said that?
No, but...
she won't come to the phone.
Bud, she's probably
getting ready.
You know how long
it takes a woman
to get ready
just to go to the store
to buy milk?
This is her wedding day.
I'm sure she probably started
getting ready yesterday.
Yeah, you're probably right.
(knocking)
I got it.
Mikey.
Hey, Commander.
Hey, come on in.
Where's
your dad?
I don't know, sir.
I went to the motel
from the club.
Never came home.
Come here, Mike.
Hey, Buddy.
You know, I'm sorry
I ran out on you last night.
What are you
talking about?
You would have never
left me alone
in the middle
of a fight.
Hey, come here.
Okay, look, we've
got 15 minutes to
get the chapel,
so let's get these
Hollywood sunglasses
off of you and...
It was an accident.
The hell it was.
Okay, look, after Harriet
and I get married,
you're going to come
live with us, all right?
You'll go to
school here.
No, Dad wants me to go
into the Navy.
The hell with what Dad wants.
Hey, your brother's
right, Mike.
You have talent, man.
You should pursue it.
You're both
in the Navy.
Doing what
we want to do.
Your father was
a naval aviator,
right, Commander?
Yeah.
Isn't that why
you became one?
Probably...
My dad's a sailor.
Why couldn't I have had a son?
I don't know
why she gets like this.
She was
a nice little girl.
Always so
well-behaved.
Mother, why don't
you take a walk?
Don't talk to me
like that, young lady.
It's just nerves, Mrs. Sims.
Give her a minute
to collect herself.
I don't know why you can't
be more like Major MacKenzie.
(sighs)
You're going to be
okay, Harriet.
I feel like
I'm going to puke.
Oh, nonsense.
You're just scared.
I have every reason to be.
All my parents do
are fight and bicker.
I don't want my marriage
to end up like that.
Harriet,
everyone fights.
It's part
of being human.
Yeah, but I want it
to be really great.
I probably sound like a sap.
Guess I'd have
to agree
with that
assessment, Ensign.
You are a sap.
You have got the greatest guy
who wants to make you his wife
and you're afraid to
get up off the couch.
Do you really think
we're going to be happy?
I think that you and Bud
are going to be as happy
as two people
have a right to be.
Now, get in your dress.
That's an order.
Yes, ma'am.
Thank you, Major.
You know, if I
had a sister,
I'd want her to be
just like you.
Thank you, Harriet.
I think that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
Well, dear,
I'm glad to see
you've come
to your senses.
Mother, will you
do me a favor?
Anything, darling.
Don't talk to me for
the next 24 minutes.
Pardon me?
Mother, this is my day.
This is the husband
that I want.
This is the life
that I want.
So you can either
enjoy the day
and you can share
in my happiness
or you can sashay
your southern belle butt
right back home.
And there is
no middle ground.
(sighs)
Okay, so how do I look?
Like you went
ten rounds
with Mike Tyson.
(knocking)
Come in.
Wow.
Spoken like a true Roberts.
All right, Mikey, let me
have a look at that shiner.
Don't worry, a little
cover-up makeup
will hide a
multitude of sins.
I'm going to ruin
the wedding pictures.
Not once I'm
done with you.
Looking good, Major.
It's okay?
There.
Let me see.
You look very
handsome, Mikey.
How's my hair?
(laughing)
Well, well, well.
I... better check
on Harriet.
You hit him last night.
You tell him that?
BUD:
He didn't
have to.
BIG BUD:
He was getting lippy.
BUD:
That doesn't give you
the right to hit him.
It does in my book.
I'm trying to
make him tough.
Like you?
There's a difference between
being strong and being a bully.
It was for your own good.
Nobody ever picked
on you, did they?
Just guys like you.
Well, I'm sorry if I'm
no Mr. Father Knows Best.
But they don't teach
child rearing in the Navy.
You made me
hate you.
You guys...
you always had food to eat,
you had clean clothes
and you had a roof
over your head.
We could have gotten
that in an orphanage.
Yeah, well, I don't need
to take this from you,
Mr. Big Shot
Lieutenant lawyer.
Dad, don't.
Yeah, what are you gonna
do about it?
Stop it.
Yeah? Make me.
Dad, don't.
You shut up
and keep out of this
or I'll close
your other eye.
Don't you ever
raise your fist
against Mikey
or me again!
Come on, Mikey.
We're getting
out of here.
It's Bud's wedding, Dad.
Yeah, well, you have
an appointment with
a Navy recruiter.
It's not your life.
It's his.
Don't do it, Mikey.
Sorry, Bud.
You won't be
seeing us
any time soon.
Mikey...
You'll always be welcome
in my life...
but I never want
to see you again.
(snorts)
(sobbing softly)
Dearly beloved, we have come
together in the presence of God
to witness and bless
the joining together
of this man and this woman
in holy matrimony.
Marriage is
not intended
to be entered
into unadvisedly
or lightly....
but reverently,
deliberately,
and in accordance
to the purposes
(whispers):
Bud.
for which it is
instituted by God.
I, Bud J. Roberts
Junior, take you,
Harriet Beaumont Sims,
to be my wife,
to have and to hold
from this day forward,
for better, for worse
for richer,
for poorer,
through sickness
and in health
to love and to cherish
until separated by death.
This is my solemn
vow to you.
I, Harriet Beaumont Sims,
take you,
Bud J. Roberts Junior,
to be my husband.
To have and to hold
from this day
forward,
for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
for richer
or for poorer,
to love
and to cherish
until we are parted
by death.
This is my solemn vow to you.
This ring is a symbol
of my vow
with all that I am,
and all that I have.
I pronounce that you are
husband and wife.
(applause)
Hey! Hey!
Officers, draw...
swords.
Arch swords.
Blades to the wind.
Presenting, for the first time
in public,
Lieutenant J.G. and Mrs.
Bud J. Roberts Junior.
Go, Navy.
RABB:
Return...
swords.
Officers...
dismissed.
(cheering and applause)
I've been waiting
a long time for this.
Ooh, so have I.
Wow!
Well, since everybody's
kissing the bride,
I guess I'll
kiss the groom.
Red light,
Commander.
(chuckles)
So, uh...
Do I get to kiss
the bride, Buddy?
I think you better,
little brother.
See you later.
Thanks, Mikey.
Excuse me, sir.
Hey, who's your friend?
(speaking Hindi)
Yes?
(chuckles)
Don't ask.
MAN:
Hey! Let's go!
I'm getti''
outta here!
Yeah! What about us?
Get us outta here!
(door clanks)
Come with me.
How's the other guy look,
Lieutenant?
Major!
She doesn't look as bad
as he does.
She?
It's a long
story, ma'am.
It better be a good one.
And what's your excuse?
Well, you wouldn't believe me
if I told you.
Bud, you're getting married
in a few hours.
I really appreciate you
coming down here, Major.
I owe you one.
One? You two owe me
a million.
You have any idea
what the Admiral's going to say
when he hears about this?
Oh...
I think he'll understand.
Following in
his father's footsteps
as a naval aviator,
Lieutenant Commander
Harmon Rabb Jr.
suffered a crash
while landing his Tomcat
on a storm-tossed carrier
at sea.
Diagnosed with night blindness,
Harm transferred to the Navy's
Judge Advocate General Corps
which investigates, defends and
prosecutes the law of the sea.
There, with fellow JAG lawyer
Major Sarah MacKenzie,
he now fights in and out
of the courtroom
with the same daring
and tenacity
that made him a top gun
in the air.
MACKENZIE:
I can't believe
they detained you, Admiral.
That makes two of us.
Have you seen
Harriet, ma'am?
I really need to explain
to her what happened.
I'd skip
the explanation, Bud,
and throw myself
on the mercy of the court.
What exactly
happened?
I have no idea.
I think it started
a couple of days ago,
when Rabb made
the headlines.
Believe me, Admiral,
it wasn't me!
CHEGWIDDEN:
"A naval aviator ran amok
"at Washington's ultra hip club
Vertigo last night,
"bringing new meaning
to the old song
"'what do you do with
a drunken sailor?'
"The dashing top gun
"was last seen mooning
police officers
before disappearing into
the night in full afterburner."
What are you guys
looking at me for?
You're the only
Lieutenant Commander I know
with wings and
a JAG insignia
on the shoulder boards.
Does kind of look
like you, Harm.
What do you think,
Carolyn?
Ooh, guilty as charged.
(both laughing)
It wasn't me, Admiral.
For one thing,
I was here with
the Lieutenant
until 2230
last night
working on
the Holbart case.
He was, sir.
And I don't even
have my dress whites
at the moment.
They're at the cleaners.
Harm Rabb.
R-A-B-B.
I don't see
your name, Ham.
Harm.
Ham!
I've been bringing
my uniforms here
for three years, Mr. Marvel.
Then you should be
in the computer.
Maybe they're
under your wife's name.
I'm not married.
Neela!
This handsome young man
who's very single
has lost his uniform.
(speaking Hindi)
No, I didn't lose
my uniform.
You lost my uniform, sir.
Do you have a ticket?
No.
Why do you think
we give you a ticket?
It's "Lieutenant Commander
Harmon Rabb."
Service dress white
naval uniform.
My daughter works too hard.
I keep saying
she should go out more.
She's young.
She should have some more fun!
What do you think, Ham?
I think that you should
find my uniform, sir.
I have a wedding
on Saturday.
$9.65. Next time
bring your ticket.
This is not my uniform.
Oh, yes, it is.
Naval dress
white uniform.
These are Ensign bars.
This is not my uniform.
Look.
What's wrong
with this picture?
I do alterations.
(giggles)
(sighs)
Bud, you ready to go over
that Crothers file?
Uh, yes, ma'am.
Is this part
of the Crothers file?
Uh, no, no.
That's a, uh...
personal file
I'm just going
to get rid of.
Are you okay, Bud?
I'm-I'm fine, ma'am.
I'm just a little nervous--
you know, first
case and all.
Of course it couldn't
have anything to do
with the fact
that you're getting married
in three days, two hours
and 36 minutes?
May I?
Is this you?
Yeah. I, uh, wanted
to be a cowboy
when I grew up.
What is all this?
It's just my "future" file--
pictures of stuff that
I wanted to do in life.
You wanted
to be a rabbi?
I wanted to go
to the Holy Land.
And cruise
across America.
(chuckling)
I guess I don't need that,
now that I have Harriet.
So, uh, why are you
throwing it all away?
I'm... probably not
going to get a chance
to do any of it, now
that I'm getting married.
Why not? Marriage
isn't about
losing your freedom, Bud,
despite what you
may have been told
by JAG's bachelor brigade.
Being married is
about having someone
to share your dreams with.
I know Harriet loves to travel.
And I bet she'd look pretty hot
on the back of a motorcycle.
(chuckling)
Yeah.
Thanks, Major.
You're welcome.
Oh, but... you might have
to give up the swimsuit model.
Right.
WOMAN:
You've been blessed
with the Beaumont
cleavage.
It's a crime
to hide it!
Mother, I want something
old-fashioned.
This is a wedding,
Harriet,
not an antique show.
Now turn around,
darling.
It's her wedding
and she knows
what she wants.
She has since
she was six.
And look where it's got her.
Mother...
I liked the one
you tried on first, honey.
Why do you always
agree with Harriet?
Just once, I would like for you
to agree with me.
I agree with you, Lydia--
when you're right.
Thank you, Dad.
I am just trying to keep her
from making any more mistakes.
And what was my first mistake,
Mother?
Never marry a man
named after a dog.
Dad!
ROBERT:
In Roth v. Higgins
it defines
the elements for desertion.
I think it really gives us
something to go on.
Have you considered going
for the lesser charge?
Unauthorized absence?
Yes!
Major, I have an ironclad case.
The penalties
are almost the same, Bud,
and it's easier to prove.
You don't think
I can do it.
Bud, Harm and I
told the Admiral you were
ready to be trial counsel.
Maybe you were just being nice.
Okay, let's so for desertion.
What have you got?
I have...
all the elements to prove
intent to shirk
important service.
Seaman Crothers was
assigned to garbage duty
when he absented himself
without authority.
Well, it's my intent
to argue
that all service
is important service,
no matter how trivial.
Ah. Sir, did you
find your uniform?
No.
Sir, the wedding's
in three days!
I know, Bud.
And you're my best man.
Bud...
Sir, it's a military ceremony.
If you're not wearing
your dress whites,
I don't even know
if you can go.
Lieutenant!
Relax.
I'll have my dress whites.
Everything will run
like clockwork.
It's all going to be fine.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm not acting
like I usually do.
Yeah, you are.
Bud, it's natural
for the groom to be nervous.
But you've got nothing
to be worried about.
Harriet's got this wedding
planned better
than Desert Storm.
What could go wrong?
Buddy!
(laughing)
Dad! Please!
Hey, son! Huh?
Hey, Buddy.
Hey, Mikey.
Look at you.
You've grown,
little brother.
Well, you, too.
Look at you!
Hey, hey, hey, you going to
introduce your father
or do I have to do it?
Lieutenant Commander Rabb,
Major MacKenzie,
this is...
Buddy's old man.
(chuckling)
Master Chief Roberts.
U.S.N.
Retired.
Well, it's nice
to meet you, sir.
I've heard a lot about you,
Commander.
And you, too, Major.
Too bad about your guy
getting shot, but...
the world's gone
all to hell.
Nice to meet you, Master Chief.
Hey, let's not stand
on formality.
My friends call me Bud.
Big Bud.
And this is
my brother, Mikey.
Sir, ma'am.
Shake hands...
While you can.
Sorry, sir.
You won't be able to
once you enlist.
Ma'am.
So, uh...
Where's, uh... Henrietta?
Harriet. She's getting
her wedding dress altered.
Oh. Taken in or...
Taken out?
(laughing)
Hey, this isn't
a shotgun wedding, is it?
No!
I just wondered
if you took after
your old man, son.
(laughing)
(Big Bud laughing)
I'm kidding.
It's not funny, Dad.
So, Mikey,
your brother
tells us you're going
to art school.
Well, I hope to, sir.
The Navy taught me
all I ever needed to know
and it'll do
the same for you.
Bud, we have
a witness to interview.
Bud's trying his
first case tomorrow.
I'm prosecuting.
You're no lawyer.
Any commissioned
officer's qualified
to prosecute
in a special court-martial,
Master Chief.
Especially
since Bud passed
his mid-year law finals
with honors.
Well, I guess it's, uh...
prosecuting's a lot easier
than defending.
I guess we better get going,
Major.
Mikey, it was great
seeing you.
Will I see you later?
Absolutely.
Maybe you will,
maybe you won't.
I'm taking Mikey
down to Norfolk
to show him what the
real Navy is like.
In fact,
I may enlist him.
No, you won't, Dad.
Yeah? Why not?
Because I'm in the wedding,
right, Bud?
Right.
Nice to meet you,
Master Chief.
(laughing)
It's what they all say, Major.
That reminds me.
Friday night I'm throwing
this little bon voyage party
for Buddy.
Couple of my ex-shipmates
will be there
and I'd like to invite you
and Admiral Chug-a-waggen.
Chegwidden.
I'd be delighted to come.
I'm sure the Admiral would, too.
It's going to be one
of those old-fashioned, uh,
crossing-the-line
type ceremonies.
You know?
You have crossed
the line,
haven't you, Commander?
Only the equator, sir.
(laughing)
RABB:
This is not my uniform.
One-forty-seven.
One-forty-seven.
This is your uniform.
This is a police uniform.
Mine are Navy dress whites.
I'm a JAG lawyer.
My brother-in-law
is the Johnnie Cochran
of Calcutta.
So don't threaten me, Ham.
I'm not threatening you,
Mr. Marvel.
I just want my uniform.
Look, this belongs
to Joe Garvey
I'm sure he probably
has my uniform.
You have an address
on this guy?
Yeah. He's
a good customer.
He's in the computer.
Give me his address.
Can't do that.
(speaking Hindi)
(laughs)
Okay, Ham, for you
I'll make an exception.
Thank you.
Don't thank me.
Thank my daughter
when you take her
out to dinner.
Are you ready,
Lieutenant Roberts?
Yes, sir, I am.
You may call
your first witness.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Government calls Edward Grainger
to the stand.
Mr. Grainger,
you own Metro Fuel?
Yes.
And you hired Robert Crothers
as a mechanic?
Yes.
When Robert Crothers filled out
his employment application
did he tell you he was a seaman
in the United States Navy?
No.
Thank you, sir.
That will be all.
Robby's a good worker.
Your Honor...
The government has
no further questions.
I don't think it's fair
you don't let me tell
the whole story.
I'm going to give you
that chance, sir.
Mr. Grainger, you say
that Mr. Crothers was
a good worker...
Ensign.
Yes, sir. Could I speak
to you for one second, sir?
Speak away.
Uh, classified, sir.
Classified?
Operation Clove-hitch.
Clove-hitch?
Tying the knot, sir.
Oh.
That'll be all, Tiner.
Aye, sir.
Ensign.
Ma'am, do you own an apartment
building at 56 Seventh Street?
Yes.
And is Robert Crothers
a tenant at that address?
Yes, he is.
For how long?
Nine years.
And about how far away
from this apartment building
is Andrews Air Force Base?
Oh, about six minutes by car.
Thank you, ma'am.
No further questions.
That's all?
Yes, ma'am.
Robby is my best tenant.
Ma'am, thank you.
That will be all.
Your Honor, the government
has no further questions.
(intercom buzzes)
Yes?
Undersecretary Jakowski's
on line one, Admiral.
Uh, take a message.
He says it's about
the Russel hearing, sir.
Tell him I'll call him back
in 15 minutes, Tiner.
I'm right in the middle
of something.
Mmm.
I'd go with the salmon,
the avocado and the pate.
What about the caviar, sir?
Too ostentatious.
Ensign, nobody really likes
fish eggs.
Oh.
Now get this away from me
before I eat
the whole thing.
No.
Thank you, sir.
You don't know how much
this means to me.
Glad I could help.
If you ever get tired
of the Navy,
you could make a fortune
as a wedding planner.
Don't spread that around.
I'd hate to have to kill you.
(nervous laughter)
And that's when you pulled
Seaman Crothers over?
Yes.
And...
before...
uh... before you wrote
Seaman Crothers a ticket
for driving
without a taillight,
what did you do?
I ran his name
through the database
to see if there were
any warrants out.
That is standard procedure.
What did you find?
That there was an outstanding
government warrant
for the seaman's
arrest.
ROBERTS:
Then what
did you do?
I placed him under arrest
and advised him of his rights.
Now, at any time,
did Seaman Crothers inform you
that he was an unauthorized
absentee from the Navy
or that he was even a member
of the United States Navy?
No, he did not.
Thank you, sir.
That will be all.
During the ten years
that he was absent,
Seaman Crothers did not attempt
to turn himself in,
even though he lived
six minutes away
from a military facility.
He did not reveal
that he was in the service
on his employment application.
The only reason Seaman Crothers
came forward now
was that he was arrested.
Seaman Crothers is guilty
of desertion under Article 85
of the uniform code
of military justice.
MAN:
All rise.
Please be seated.
Is the defense ready
for judgment?
We are, Your Honor.
In the case
of United States
v. Seaman Robert Crothers,
United States Navy, we find
the accused guilty
of the charge
and specification
of desertion.
Congratulations, counselor.
(whistling)
Mr. Roberts.
Sir.
The sentencing phase
of the court-martial
will begin
tomorrow at 0900.
And please leave your cheering
section at home, Lieutenant.
This is a courtroom,
not American Gladiators.
Yes, Your Honor.
Sorry, sir.
Looked like Bud did
a good job in there.
He had a good teacher
and he probably got
a few pointers from you, too.
Ha, ha.
Nothing changes.
I never met an officer
with a sense of humor.
I thought you were taking
Mikey over to Norfolk.
And miss you
playing Matlock?
You did a good job, Bud.
Mom would have been proud.
BIG BUD:
Proud of what?
Screwing up
some poor guy's life
who isn't hurting anybody?
MIKE:
Don't listen
to him, Bud.
Watch it.
So, uh, when are we going
to meet this girl of yours?
We're having dinner
with her tonight.
How's my hair?
You got
your mother's hair,
but the Navy's going
to take care of all of that.
Cut it all off in Boot.
Hair looks great, Mikey.
See you later.
BIG BUD:
First time I told Bud
about the birds and the bees,
he cried.
Thank God he was going
into the Navy the next day
and I didn't have
to listen to him.
He's just kidding.
Buddy's never had much luck
with the opposite sex.
And do you think
Harriet has?
Hey, I think
he did a pretty good job.
Thank you, Mikey.
You're okay in my book.
So, uh, Rollo,
I hear you have
a yacht.
Well, a small yacht.
It's not that small, Roland.
Big enough
for Mikey and me
to take a little
shakedown cruise?
Ah, Dad...
Anytime.
I'm going to take you
up on that, Roland.
So what are your plans
for the future, Michael?
Well, my dad wants me
to go into the Navy.
Well, the Navy has always been
very good for your family.
ROLAND:
What do you want
to do, Mikey?
Oh.
You want to draw
on the back of menus?
I want to be a cartoonist.
BIG BUD:
Can you beat that?
Cartoons.
Can you make a living
doing that?
Charles Schulz, Scott Adam
and Gary Larson do.
You need something steady
to fall back on
like, like welding.
I think Mike should do
what he wants to do.
Hmm. Follow his bliss.
WOMAN:
His bliss?
BIG BUD:
I'll give him bliss.
I'll blister his behind
if he doesn't go
into the Navy.
No, you're not, Dad.
Oh, yeah?
What are you going to do
about it-- sue me?
(laughing)
He just might.
I understand you won
your first case today.
Congratulations.
Thank you, sir.
I'm sorry.
No. I am sorry.
My mother is completely
out of control.
At least your dad
isn't throwing you
a bachelor party
at a strip club.
Eww.
I know.
Will you still marry me?
If you back out on me now,
I'm going to kill you.
Dad, you've had
too much to drink.
What, are you telling
me how to drive?
MIKE:
I'm just saying
you've had
a lot to drink and
you should let me drive.
Yeah, well, I think
you should shut up
and get in the car,
or you can walk.
RABB:
It was nice to meet
your brother
and your dad today.
The Master Chief's
a real colorful guy.
(chuckles)
He's colorful, all right.
Spend enough time with him,
you end up black and blue.
He's abusive?
Let's just put it this way--
his idea of tough love
is bouncing your head
against a wall.
Wow.
If you feel this way
about him, Bud,
why did you invite him
to your wedding?
He's my dad.
You know how it is.
Harriet thought
he should be here.
Does Harriet know he's abusive?
No. No. You can't tell
something like that
to your fiancee.
I think you might be wrong
about that one, Bud.
Abused kids
become abusive parents.
I'm afraid that
she'll think that
I'll want to hit our children.
I think Harriet knows you
a little better than that.
You try talking to him
about it?
He only talks
about three things:
The Navy, baseball
and women.
I'm worried about Mikey.
Well, maybe it's time
to take some action on this.
Bring it out in the open.
I spent a whole lifetime trying
to get away from all of that.
I don't know if I could go
through it again.
JUDGE:
Seaman Crothers,
you have the right
to submit evidence
on your behalf
in extenuation and mitigation.
Your Honor, I'd just like
to apologize to the Navy
and to my unit members
for what I did.
I was young, stupid,
when I went U.A., and...
I didn't know
how to fix it.
Thank you, sir.
Mr. Roberts, do you have any
argument to make on sentencing?
Your Honor, given
Seaman Crothers's conviction
of this offense,
desertion for ten years,
as well as the manner
in which
his absence was terminated,
the government submits
that his military service
was not honorable
and requests
a bad conduct discharge.
The government
further recognizes
that since Seaman Crothers
committed that offense
he's been an upstanding citizen,
an excellent employee
and a good provider
for his young family.
It is not the government's
desire nor intent
to cause his family to suffer
for Seaman Crothers's
youthful folly.
Therefore,
the government requests
that there be no forfeiture
of pay or confinement.
Your Honor, I concur
with Mr. Roberts' statement.
I find it both just
and compassionate.
Would the defendant please rise.
Seaman Robert Crothers,
I hereby
sentence you
with a bad conduct discharge
and no further punishment.
This court-martial
is adjourned.
(gavel raps)
Had a change
of heart?
I think you
were right, Major.
I shouldn't have
gone for desertion.
This is a lot more than
a law school exercise.
I'm impressed, Bud.
Come on. I'll buy you
a celebratory cappuccino.
You mind if I take
a rain check?
I just want to sit
here for a minute.
Sure.
RABB:
Hi. I'm looking for Joe Garvey.
Why?
Uh, there was
a mix-up at the dry cleaners.
I, uh, wound up
with his uniform
and I think
that he has mine.
He, uh, doesn't
live here anymore.
Are you a pilot?
Sometimes.
What airline?
The United States Navy.
I hear they're good.
You wouldn't
happen to know
where I might find
Joe, would you?
Well, if he
still has a job
he'll be working
9:00 to midnight
at the Rocketmen.
It's an alley club
off Bedford.
Okay.
By chance, did he leave
a set of dress whites here?
I hope not.
I gave all of his stuff
to the Salvation Army.
I don't care
what my mother ordered!
I don't want a mermaid!
I want a swan!
No, no, no, you listen to me.
Listen. No!
No. I am getting married
in less than 24 hours,
so don't tell me
about pressure, okay?!
I'm about this close
to going bridal!
Now, if I don't see an ice swan
on my buffet table tomorrow,
somebody's going to find you
floating facedown
in a bouillabaisse!
Are you okay, Ensign?
Just peachy, Major.
I think that you need
to try to relax
and enjoy this,
Harriet.
Look, why don't you let
me take you out tonight.
We can have dinner,
maybe a few laughs.
That'd be fun,
but my mom's planning
that stupid
girls'-night-out thing.
Oh, right.
Could it get
any worse than that?
You are still coming
with me, aren't you?
I mean, I know it's a lot
to ask and everything but...
I am your Maid
of Honor, Harriet.
I'm also a Marine.
I think I can
handle your mother.
(groans nervously)
(dance music playing)
Sure you want to go
through with this, Admiral?
CHEGWIDDEN:
No.
Admiral,
Commander.
Sorry. I had no idea
it was going
to be like this.
Don't worry
about it.
Sir, thank you for coming.
It really means a lot to me.
It's the least
we could do, Bud.
Every condemned man
needs his last hurrah.
You're joking,
right, sir?
I mean, about
the condemned part?
Course we are, Bud.
Marriage is the
greatest institution
on earth.
We're envious
of you.
Well, then, sir...
Sir? Sir?
Why are you both
still single, then?
Envious, not stupid.
MIKE:
No, thanks.
BIG BUD:
Take it.
I don't like
beer, Dad.
What do you mean
you don't like beer?
You want a pineapple
with an umbrella in it?
I've got a soda.
Hey, it's time you
became a man.
Now, you either
take this beer...
Hey!
He said he didn't
want the beer.
(chuckles)
Lucky for
you, Buddy,
this is your
bachelor party,
'cause I'm gonna
cut you some slack.
Come on, Mikey.
You don't have
to follow him.
It's better
that I do, Bud.
Bud.
I got to disappear
for a while.
I got to talk to a guy
about my uniform.
You still don't have
your dress whites?
Sir, the wedding
is tomorrow!
You're my best man!
You don't have your
dress whites,
I don't even know
if you can come!
Admiral, will you order
the Lieutenant to relax?
Relax, Lieutenant.
Aye, aye, sir.
(sighs)
Hey, any of you guys
Joe Garvey?
He's onstage.
Hey, this area's
off-limits.
The uniform belongs
to me, Buddy.
I just want the uniform.
Wrong answer.
Hey, pal, look.
I don't want
any trouble, all right?
I got a wedding
in the morning.
I need the uniform.
Look, I'm warning
you right now,
I'm a black belt.
Don't make me hurt you.
And I'm warning you right now.
I'm a lawyer.
Don't make me sue you.
Really?
Yeah.
You ever handle
any sexual harassment suits?
What?!
The owner here's
got a bad habit
of pinching me every
time I walk past.
It's kind of
humiliating.
Thanks.
BIG BUD:
Commander!
Hey!
(laughing)
Commander, I thought you'd
abandoned ship on us.
Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, girls!
Come over and meet
Commander Rabb!
Hey. Where's Bud?!
Last time
I saw him,
he was moving
towards the head
with one
of the gals.
I didn't think he
had it in him myself.
I'll go get him.
Excuse me, ladies.
(chuckling)
Say, ladies...
you're not going to charge me
extra for this, are you?
Oh... well, what the hell.
Commander, where
have you been?!
This party's getting
out of control!
I'll say.
You seen the Admiral, Bud?
They denied my dad's
credit card.
The Admiral's talking
to the club manager.
Wow. What's wrong with her?
I think she needs
a doctor, sir.
Well, how much
did she have to drink?
Nothing.
I think it's
morning sickness.
You're kidding, right?
No. I have a pregnancy
test in my purse.
I was going to do it
this afternoon
but I had a tort final
and I just ran out of time.
You're in
law school?!
My third year
at George Mason.
No way.
I'm in my
second year.
Do you know
Professor Wilton?
I hate to interrupt
this campus chat,
but I'd like to find
the Admiral.
Where's the manager's office?
Around the corner
to the left.
Pardon?
Around the corner
to the left!
Thanks.
So, this is
your bachelor party?
Yeah. I'm getting
married tomorrow.
So, who's
the lucky lady?
Mother!
(giggling)
ANNOUNCER:
Show him what you think
of him, ladies.
HARRIET:
No. No, thank you.
No, thank you!
Mother, we're going home
right now.
Darling, I still
have 60 bucks left.
How do you think
your father would look
in an outfit
like that?
Mother, don't
even go there!
Come on!
Come on.
Go.
Major, you have to do
me a humungous favor
and please take my mother
back to her hotel.
I really need to
see Bud right now.
Sure.
Thank you.
Where's she going?
To see Bud.
Well, why on earth
would she do that?
Because she loves him.
Oh.
Admiral.
Just gave that man
all my cash
and my watch
as collateral.
MAN:
$300.... $320...
Well, I take it you're
ready to leave, then, sir.
Very.
Hi. I'm Big Bud.
You want to hear
something funny?
Why don't we rescue
the Lieutenant
on the way out, sir?
Dad, leave her alone.
(grunts)
(grunts)
Come on!
No, we got to help Bud.
It's every man for himself
in a bar fight. Move!
Whoa!
Whoa... whoa!
BIG BUD:
Three, two, one, go!
My name is Admiral
A.J. Chegwidden.
Yeah, I know.
Remember me?
United States Navy
v. Seaman Moska?
Did I defend you?
Prosecuted.
Those handcuffs aren't
too tight, are they, sir?
Bud, what's going on?
Harriet! What are
you doing here?
Buddy, I'm pregnant!
MRS. SIMS:
Harriet, you have got
to get a grip.
You are getting married
in less than half an hour.
No, Mother, I'm not.
It is not like
a Beaumont to quit.
I am not a Beaumont.
I'm an Ensign
in the United States Navy.
I am sick as a dog
and my fiance got beat up
by a pregnant stripper
last night.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Uh, just a minute.
It's your future husband.
I have no idea
who that might be.
She's still getting dressed,
Bud.
I'll have her call you
when she's ready.
Okay.
Harriet's going
to call off the wedding.
She said that?
No, but...
she won't come to the phone.
Bud, she's probably
getting ready.
You know how long
it takes a woman
to get ready
just to go to the store
to buy milk?
This is her wedding day.
I'm sure she probably started
getting ready yesterday.
Yeah, you're probably right.
(knocking)
I got it.
Mikey.
Hey, Commander.
Hey, come on in.
Where's
your dad?
I don't know, sir.
I went to the motel
from the club.
Never came home.
Come here, Mike.
Hey, Buddy.
You know, I'm sorry
I ran out on you last night.
What are you
talking about?
You would have never
left me alone
in the middle
of a fight.
Hey, come here.
Okay, look, we've
got 15 minutes to
get the chapel,
so let's get these
Hollywood sunglasses
off of you and...
It was an accident.
The hell it was.
Okay, look, after Harriet
and I get married,
you're going to come
live with us, all right?
You'll go to
school here.
No, Dad wants me to go
into the Navy.
The hell with what Dad wants.
Hey, your brother's
right, Mike.
You have talent, man.
You should pursue it.
You're both
in the Navy.
Doing what
we want to do.
Your father was
a naval aviator,
right, Commander?
Yeah.
Isn't that why
you became one?
Probably...
My dad's a sailor.
Why couldn't I have had a son?
I don't know
why she gets like this.
She was
a nice little girl.
Always so
well-behaved.
Mother, why don't
you take a walk?
Don't talk to me
like that, young lady.
It's just nerves, Mrs. Sims.
Give her a minute
to collect herself.
I don't know why you can't
be more like Major MacKenzie.
(sighs)
You're going to be
okay, Harriet.
I feel like
I'm going to puke.
Oh, nonsense.
You're just scared.
I have every reason to be.
All my parents do
are fight and bicker.
I don't want my marriage
to end up like that.
Harriet,
everyone fights.
It's part
of being human.
Yeah, but I want it
to be really great.
I probably sound like a sap.
Guess I'd have
to agree
with that
assessment, Ensign.
You are a sap.
You have got the greatest guy
who wants to make you his wife
and you're afraid to
get up off the couch.
Do you really think
we're going to be happy?
I think that you and Bud
are going to be as happy
as two people
have a right to be.
Now, get in your dress.
That's an order.
Yes, ma'am.
Thank you, Major.
You know, if I
had a sister,
I'd want her to be
just like you.
Thank you, Harriet.
I think that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
Well, dear,
I'm glad to see
you've come
to your senses.
Mother, will you
do me a favor?
Anything, darling.
Don't talk to me for
the next 24 minutes.
Pardon me?
Mother, this is my day.
This is the husband
that I want.
This is the life
that I want.
So you can either
enjoy the day
and you can share
in my happiness
or you can sashay
your southern belle butt
right back home.
And there is
no middle ground.
(sighs)
Okay, so how do I look?
Like you went
ten rounds
with Mike Tyson.
(knocking)
Come in.
Wow.
Spoken like a true Roberts.
All right, Mikey, let me
have a look at that shiner.
Don't worry, a little
cover-up makeup
will hide a
multitude of sins.
I'm going to ruin
the wedding pictures.
Not once I'm
done with you.
Looking good, Major.
It's okay?
There.
Let me see.
You look very
handsome, Mikey.
How's my hair?
(laughing)
Well, well, well.
I... better check
on Harriet.
You hit him last night.
You tell him that?
BUD:
He didn't
have to.
BIG BUD:
He was getting lippy.
BUD:
That doesn't give you
the right to hit him.
It does in my book.
I'm trying to
make him tough.
Like you?
There's a difference between
being strong and being a bully.
It was for your own good.
Nobody ever picked
on you, did they?
Just guys like you.
Well, I'm sorry if I'm
no Mr. Father Knows Best.
But they don't teach
child rearing in the Navy.
You made me
hate you.
You guys...
you always had food to eat,
you had clean clothes
and you had a roof
over your head.
We could have gotten
that in an orphanage.
Yeah, well, I don't need
to take this from you,
Mr. Big Shot
Lieutenant lawyer.
Dad, don't.
Yeah, what are you gonna
do about it?
Stop it.
Yeah? Make me.
Dad, don't.
You shut up
and keep out of this
or I'll close
your other eye.
Don't you ever
raise your fist
against Mikey
or me again!
Come on, Mikey.
We're getting
out of here.
It's Bud's wedding, Dad.
Yeah, well, you have
an appointment with
a Navy recruiter.
It's not your life.
It's his.
Don't do it, Mikey.
Sorry, Bud.
You won't be
seeing us
any time soon.
Mikey...
You'll always be welcome
in my life...
but I never want
to see you again.
(snorts)
(sobbing softly)
Dearly beloved, we have come
together in the presence of God
to witness and bless
the joining together
of this man and this woman
in holy matrimony.
Marriage is
not intended
to be entered
into unadvisedly
or lightly....
but reverently,
deliberately,
and in accordance
to the purposes
(whispers):
Bud.
for which it is
instituted by God.
I, Bud J. Roberts
Junior, take you,
Harriet Beaumont Sims,
to be my wife,
to have and to hold
from this day forward,
for better, for worse
for richer,
for poorer,
through sickness
and in health
to love and to cherish
until separated by death.
This is my solemn
vow to you.
I, Harriet Beaumont Sims,
take you,
Bud J. Roberts Junior,
to be my husband.
To have and to hold
from this day
forward,
for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
for richer
or for poorer,
to love
and to cherish
until we are parted
by death.
This is my solemn vow to you.
This ring is a symbol
of my vow
with all that I am,
and all that I have.
I pronounce that you are
husband and wife.
(applause)
Hey! Hey!
Officers, draw...
swords.
Arch swords.
Blades to the wind.
Presenting, for the first time
in public,
Lieutenant J.G. and Mrs.
Bud J. Roberts Junior.
Go, Navy.
RABB:
Return...
swords.
Officers...
dismissed.
(cheering and applause)
I've been waiting
a long time for this.
Ooh, so have I.
Wow!
Well, since everybody's
kissing the bride,
I guess I'll
kiss the groom.
Red light,
Commander.
(chuckles)
So, uh...
Do I get to kiss
the bride, Buddy?
I think you better,
little brother.
See you later.
Thanks, Mikey.
Excuse me, sir.
Hey, who's your friend?
(speaking Hindi)
Yes?
(chuckles)
Don't ask.