It's Bruno! (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Sh*t and Run - full transcript
Angry that someone in the neighborhood isn't picking up after their dog, Malcolm plays amateur sleuth to hunt down the poopetrator.
[woman sighing] I tell you, Nancy,
I ain't never seen nobody so rude.
Here I am, trying to be nice to the guy.
Complimented his dog.
Showed him some love,
and what does he do in return?
He pet my Kay Kay like an animal.
Perhaps he was making the point
that he values his dog
as much as you value your granddaughter.
Well, they're not the same.
To each his own.
He pet my Kay Kay's face.
Put his hands on her.
That is not right. I agree.
You know, they say he don't even work.
Lives off some settlement money
or something like that.
This generation will never know the true
meaning of "work" anyway, but he...
He sounds no good.
He is no good.
I tell you. A real piece of sh--
[Malcolm] Somebody new on the block
is letting their dog shit
all over the place and not picking it up.
♪ Bruno! ♪
♪ Bruno! ♪
♪ Bruno! ♪
♪ Yes, Bruno! ♪
-[squawking]
-[man 1] I'll feed you in a little while.
[door chiming]
Hey, it's the main man, Malcolm.
How you doing?
What's up, fellas?
Got a question for y'all.
What's up? What up?
Have you seen anybody with a dog,
letting it take a shit outside
and not cleaning up after it?
You know, a shit and run?
[man 2] No, I ain't seen nothing, man.
How am I supposed to see a dog
taking a shit from here?
It's impossible.
What about inside the store?
You see anybody taking a shit in here?
[man 2] Hell no!
They can't do that stuff up in here.
We handle that shit right away.
[man 1]
We'd break their motherfucking legs.
And that's for real.
Fucking love this guy.
All right.
Keep an eye out for me, all right?
-Of course.
-[man 2] I got you.
[man 1] Hello!
Fine products.
You've got two for one...
-[Malcolm] Yo, what's up, y'all?
-[boys] What's up?
I've got a question
I need you to think very serious about.
What's up?
You seen anybody with a dog
letting them take a shit,
not cleaning up after it?
You know... a shit and run?
It depends on what type of shit
you talking about.
-Some little type of shit?
-Or some big type of shit?
'Cause me? I see a lot of shit.
I'm talking about some dog shit.
-Nah.
-I ain't seen no on-curb dog shit.
Well, keep a lookout for me, all right?
Aight!
And if you wonder what incentive you have,
just know...
them pretty little Jordans you got on,
Timbs,
whatever those are...
Victims. All victims to dog shit.
There's no shoe safe.
Word.
Hey!
-Clean up after your dog, man.
-That's not my dog's shit.
I just saw it.
You saw this dog take that shit?
Yeah.
There's the shit.
There's the dog.
Look at the size of that shit.
Look how big it is. Get a good look at it.
Now look at my dog's ass.
Look how small the circumference is.
How could my dog have taken that shit?
I look like the kind of guy
that looks at dog's asses to you?
You're the kind
who doesn't look where he's stepping.
This don't happen in white neighborhoods.
That's all I know.
-Clean that shit up!
-It's not my dog's shit!
[Malcolm] Hey, man. Let me just get
these poop bags right here.
Ah, actually, Malcolm, instead of those...
you should go with these.
Biodegradable, deodorizing bags.
They're made out of materials derived
from plants and vegetable oils,
so they actually decompose
along with the feces.
It also takes away the odor of it
as soon as you scoop it in there,
so why don't you do your part
for the environment, all the while...
avoiding a shitty smell?
I love this guy.
He's like a freaking encyclopedia.
All right. I'll take 'em.
[man 1] So...
Any news on the shit and run?
No, man. I looked everywhere.
-I asked everybody. Nothing.
-I just moved here.
[man 3] Yeah, yeah.
No, Minnesota's got nothing on this place.
Yeah. No, way less snow. Way less snow.
I mean, I haven't been here
for a winter yet, but...
Brooklyn!
It sounds so gritty, right?
"I'm from Brooklyn!"
Yeah, you can't do that...
Brap, brap!
Nah, it's like a rap thing.
Yeah.
I think it's like a gun sound.
I don't know.
Hold on one second.
Is this organic?
Of course.
Cool.
How you living?
[man 2] Good.
[Malcolm] Look at this fool here.
Just moved in
and thinks he's from the neighborhood
with his naked leash!
Where's he keep the dog bags?
Could this be the culprit?
Brap!
With his rolled-up jeans
and floral shirt, yelling,
"Brooklyn!" and "Bushwick!"
like the guy's from here.
Poor greyhound.
Let's investigate.
-See you later, bros.
-[man 1] Enjoy!
[hipster] Yeah. This is where Spike Lee
did all those movies.
No, I don't know anything about computers,
so I would have to find like a developer.
[hipster laughing]
I told her if she wanted
to be in the band, she has to lose weight.
Good boy.
Hey!
Shit and runner!
[panting]
I've never seen anything that fast.
I don't know how we're gonna catch him.
What do you think?
[whining]
You're tired. I understand.
I'm gonna have to find out where he lives.
I'm gonna have to do something.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this shit.
[whining]
[man]
Bro, I think you're obsessing over this.
Obsessing? Nelson,
some hipster comes to my neighborhood,
our neighborhood, and lets his dog
shit all over the place.
I'm supposed to let that be?
I didn't say
you were supposed to be okay with it.
All I'm saying is you can walk around it.
There's some worse things on the street
than some dog caca.
Are you sure it belongs... to a dog?
What?
I mean, this could be like a human shit.
I've seen
a person caca on the street before.
-Yeah, me too.
-No, man. It's not a human's shit.
I saw it fall out of the dog's ass.
Chris, I can't talk to you
with that dog humping your leg, man.
[Chris] Oh. Yeah, it's fine.
He'll get tired soon.
You have to resist.
Otherwise, it's gonna think you like it.
I don't wanna anger him.
[Nelson] Chris, you can't
let him dominate you like that.
You've gotta resist.
Macho, stop it!
He doesn't do that when I say it.
It's 'cause you say it with no authority.
Macho, come here!
I've gotta catch this guy.
He's one of these new hipsters moving in,
gentrifying and dog-shitting
the whole neighborhood.
I asked friends. Nobody knows him.
Maybe you can't ask friends.
Well, I asked strangers too.
[Nelson] Not strangers.
Enemies.
Yeah, that's it. [laughs]
[Nelson coughing]
You talking 'bout that dude
on 130 Evergreen
with that little bitch-ass greyhound
shitting all over the place?
Wait. You know who's been doing
the shit and runs in the neighborhood?
Do I know? I know everything
that happens on this block.
I've been asking everybody on the block.
Nobody knows nothing.
You knew this whole time.
-You could've told me.
-Why the hell would I tell you?
You hit me with a stick.
You got me all bruised up.
-My back hurt. I've got scoliosis.
-So you know him.
What happened? Tell me.
Man, you're not gonna believe what I had
to do to get these shoes right here, man.
These right here?
These the PSNY Air Force 1s.
Everybody on the block
know these are the flyest shoes out.
[man] So I'm admiring 'em,
and boom!
All of a sudden,
the sturdy ground got real mushy,
like some mashed potatoes or something.
But everybody on the block knows
ain't no fucking mashed potatoes
in these Brooklyn streets.
Just dog shit.
So I look out the corner of my eye,
and I see this hipster's dog...
finishing a dump!
So I rolled up on him...
[shouting]
He dipped off on me.
Real quick, like a track star.
See this calf muscle right here, man?
Ran track, '98 to 2000.
Penn Relays and all of that.
So I go after him with one shoe on,
but I can't really catch up to him,
but everybody on the block
saw that I was jogging after him, though.
[Malcolm] Wait a minute.
Why were you chasing him with one shoe on?
You could've put on the other shoe
and maybe caught him.
[man] When you step in dog shit,
you gotta catch it on the first step.
Otherwise, every step you take after that
gets into the crevice of the shoe.
Man, everybody on the block knows that.
So anyways,
I follow him to where he lives.
And when I get there,
I take a piss on his building.
Everybody on the block
saw me take a piss on that building.
Ew!
-Perfect. You know where he lives.
-Hell, yeah, I do.
-Okay, so you can take me there.
-Give me $20.
-No.
-All right. Let's do it.
Hey.
Yeah.
[theme music playing]
I ain't never seen nobody so rude.
Here I am, trying to be nice to the guy.
Complimented his dog.
Showed him some love,
and what does he do in return?
He pet my Kay Kay like an animal.
Perhaps he was making the point
that he values his dog
as much as you value your granddaughter.
Well, they're not the same.
To each his own.
He pet my Kay Kay's face.
Put his hands on her.
That is not right. I agree.
You know, they say he don't even work.
Lives off some settlement money
or something like that.
This generation will never know the true
meaning of "work" anyway, but he...
He sounds no good.
He is no good.
I tell you. A real piece of sh--
[Malcolm] Somebody new on the block
is letting their dog shit
all over the place and not picking it up.
♪ Bruno! ♪
♪ Bruno! ♪
♪ Bruno! ♪
♪ Yes, Bruno! ♪
-[squawking]
-[man 1] I'll feed you in a little while.
[door chiming]
Hey, it's the main man, Malcolm.
How you doing?
What's up, fellas?
Got a question for y'all.
What's up? What up?
Have you seen anybody with a dog,
letting it take a shit outside
and not cleaning up after it?
You know, a shit and run?
[man 2] No, I ain't seen nothing, man.
How am I supposed to see a dog
taking a shit from here?
It's impossible.
What about inside the store?
You see anybody taking a shit in here?
[man 2] Hell no!
They can't do that stuff up in here.
We handle that shit right away.
[man 1]
We'd break their motherfucking legs.
And that's for real.
Fucking love this guy.
All right.
Keep an eye out for me, all right?
-Of course.
-[man 2] I got you.
[man 1] Hello!
Fine products.
You've got two for one...
-[Malcolm] Yo, what's up, y'all?
-[boys] What's up?
I've got a question
I need you to think very serious about.
What's up?
You seen anybody with a dog
letting them take a shit,
not cleaning up after it?
You know... a shit and run?
It depends on what type of shit
you talking about.
-Some little type of shit?
-Or some big type of shit?
'Cause me? I see a lot of shit.
I'm talking about some dog shit.
-Nah.
-I ain't seen no on-curb dog shit.
Well, keep a lookout for me, all right?
Aight!
And if you wonder what incentive you have,
just know...
them pretty little Jordans you got on,
Timbs,
whatever those are...
Victims. All victims to dog shit.
There's no shoe safe.
Word.
Hey!
-Clean up after your dog, man.
-That's not my dog's shit.
I just saw it.
You saw this dog take that shit?
Yeah.
There's the shit.
There's the dog.
Look at the size of that shit.
Look how big it is. Get a good look at it.
Now look at my dog's ass.
Look how small the circumference is.
How could my dog have taken that shit?
I look like the kind of guy
that looks at dog's asses to you?
You're the kind
who doesn't look where he's stepping.
This don't happen in white neighborhoods.
That's all I know.
-Clean that shit up!
-It's not my dog's shit!
[Malcolm] Hey, man. Let me just get
these poop bags right here.
Ah, actually, Malcolm, instead of those...
you should go with these.
Biodegradable, deodorizing bags.
They're made out of materials derived
from plants and vegetable oils,
so they actually decompose
along with the feces.
It also takes away the odor of it
as soon as you scoop it in there,
so why don't you do your part
for the environment, all the while...
avoiding a shitty smell?
I love this guy.
He's like a freaking encyclopedia.
All right. I'll take 'em.
[man 1] So...
Any news on the shit and run?
No, man. I looked everywhere.
-I asked everybody. Nothing.
-I just moved here.
[man 3] Yeah, yeah.
No, Minnesota's got nothing on this place.
Yeah. No, way less snow. Way less snow.
I mean, I haven't been here
for a winter yet, but...
Brooklyn!
It sounds so gritty, right?
"I'm from Brooklyn!"
Yeah, you can't do that...
Brap, brap!
Nah, it's like a rap thing.
Yeah.
I think it's like a gun sound.
I don't know.
Hold on one second.
Is this organic?
Of course.
Cool.
How you living?
[man 2] Good.
[Malcolm] Look at this fool here.
Just moved in
and thinks he's from the neighborhood
with his naked leash!
Where's he keep the dog bags?
Could this be the culprit?
Brap!
With his rolled-up jeans
and floral shirt, yelling,
"Brooklyn!" and "Bushwick!"
like the guy's from here.
Poor greyhound.
Let's investigate.
-See you later, bros.
-[man 1] Enjoy!
[hipster] Yeah. This is where Spike Lee
did all those movies.
No, I don't know anything about computers,
so I would have to find like a developer.
[hipster laughing]
I told her if she wanted
to be in the band, she has to lose weight.
Good boy.
Hey!
Shit and runner!
[panting]
I've never seen anything that fast.
I don't know how we're gonna catch him.
What do you think?
[whining]
You're tired. I understand.
I'm gonna have to find out where he lives.
I'm gonna have to do something.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this shit.
[whining]
[man]
Bro, I think you're obsessing over this.
Obsessing? Nelson,
some hipster comes to my neighborhood,
our neighborhood, and lets his dog
shit all over the place.
I'm supposed to let that be?
I didn't say
you were supposed to be okay with it.
All I'm saying is you can walk around it.
There's some worse things on the street
than some dog caca.
Are you sure it belongs... to a dog?
What?
I mean, this could be like a human shit.
I've seen
a person caca on the street before.
-Yeah, me too.
-No, man. It's not a human's shit.
I saw it fall out of the dog's ass.
Chris, I can't talk to you
with that dog humping your leg, man.
[Chris] Oh. Yeah, it's fine.
He'll get tired soon.
You have to resist.
Otherwise, it's gonna think you like it.
I don't wanna anger him.
[Nelson] Chris, you can't
let him dominate you like that.
You've gotta resist.
Macho, stop it!
He doesn't do that when I say it.
It's 'cause you say it with no authority.
Macho, come here!
I've gotta catch this guy.
He's one of these new hipsters moving in,
gentrifying and dog-shitting
the whole neighborhood.
I asked friends. Nobody knows him.
Maybe you can't ask friends.
Well, I asked strangers too.
[Nelson] Not strangers.
Enemies.
Yeah, that's it. [laughs]
[Nelson coughing]
You talking 'bout that dude
on 130 Evergreen
with that little bitch-ass greyhound
shitting all over the place?
Wait. You know who's been doing
the shit and runs in the neighborhood?
Do I know? I know everything
that happens on this block.
I've been asking everybody on the block.
Nobody knows nothing.
You knew this whole time.
-You could've told me.
-Why the hell would I tell you?
You hit me with a stick.
You got me all bruised up.
-My back hurt. I've got scoliosis.
-So you know him.
What happened? Tell me.
Man, you're not gonna believe what I had
to do to get these shoes right here, man.
These right here?
These the PSNY Air Force 1s.
Everybody on the block
know these are the flyest shoes out.
[man] So I'm admiring 'em,
and boom!
All of a sudden,
the sturdy ground got real mushy,
like some mashed potatoes or something.
But everybody on the block knows
ain't no fucking mashed potatoes
in these Brooklyn streets.
Just dog shit.
So I look out the corner of my eye,
and I see this hipster's dog...
finishing a dump!
So I rolled up on him...
[shouting]
He dipped off on me.
Real quick, like a track star.
See this calf muscle right here, man?
Ran track, '98 to 2000.
Penn Relays and all of that.
So I go after him with one shoe on,
but I can't really catch up to him,
but everybody on the block
saw that I was jogging after him, though.
[Malcolm] Wait a minute.
Why were you chasing him with one shoe on?
You could've put on the other shoe
and maybe caught him.
[man] When you step in dog shit,
you gotta catch it on the first step.
Otherwise, every step you take after that
gets into the crevice of the shoe.
Man, everybody on the block knows that.
So anyways,
I follow him to where he lives.
And when I get there,
I take a piss on his building.
Everybody on the block
saw me take a piss on that building.
Ew!
-Perfect. You know where he lives.
-Hell, yeah, I do.
-Okay, so you can take me there.
-Give me $20.
-No.
-All right. Let's do it.
Hey.
Yeah.
[theme music playing]