It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 9 - The Gang Makes Lethal Weapon 6 - full transcript

After creative differences over what constitutes tasteful nudity cause Frank to pull his money out of Lethal Weapon 6 during filming, Mac, Dennis, and Charlie screen their rough footage for investors in hopes of raising enough capital to finish the production of their latest masterpiece.

(thunderclaps)
(rhythmic chanting and singing)

(singing continues)

♪ Bah-hoo-yeah
Bah-hoo-yeah

Bah-hoo-yeah
Bah-hoo-yeah. ♪

(creaking)
(groaning)

(cackling)

Welcome back from the
dead, Chief Lazarus!

(groaning)

CHIEF LAZARUS: I only got
one thing on my mind.

Revenge!
(loud thunderclaps)

- (laughs)
- (cackling)

(cackles)
(explosion)



What exactly are you here for?

MAC: We need $40 million.

So we've shot a great deal of the
movie, and we're gonna show it to you.

We just need a little
money to finish it.

Yeah, see, we had a little bit of
a falling out with our financier.

He's also playing Chief Lazarus.

Just, we had some creative
differences with him, you know,

which is why we're coming to you, but,
look, that's neither here nor there.

The guy wanted to shoot a full
penetration sex scene and show it.

But, to be fair, I don't have a
problem, as much, with the act itself

- as I do with the man who's performing it.
- Don't get into that.

- It's, like, more specific than she
needs to... - Let her know. I think she...

Look, I just, I think that
no one wants to see Frank

smashing genitalia with a woman, but if it
were me doing it, you know, imagine that.

Wouldn't that be nice? Imagine all
the positions that I could get into.

You know, reverse pile driver, seated
scissors, wheelbarrow, reverse cowgirl.

- I know all the positions. Whatever
you like. - He can do 'em all.

- I can do 'em all, yeah.
- He can do 'em all.

So imagine that. Do you
see the difference?

We don't finance movies here.

Let's show her more of the movie.
Get into the story a little bit.

Okay, that's exactly right.

Keep watching, and then see the big
picture, know that there are budgetary

and time limitations and
ignore them, please.

Yeah.



(indistinct chatter)

ROGER: In your face, sucker.



(buzzer sounds)

(laughter, whooping)

Oh, shit!
(slow clapping)

(indistinct chatter)

Riggs, what the hell
are you doing here?

Our relationship is strained.
RIGGS (Australian accent):

Thought I'd give you some
pointers on your jump shot.

Noticed you weren't
squaring up on the basket.

(Roger laughs)

Schooling a black man on basketball.
You must be crazy.

Crazy enough to want to know why
you never RSVP'd to my wedding.

Gee, do I want to see my
ex-special forces ex-partner

marry my baby girl daughter?

Thanks. I respectfully
say, "No."

I tell you what, Sarge.

Let's play a quick
game of one-on-one.

You score on me, you don't
have to come to the wedding.

If I score on you, I don't
have to come to the wedding?

That's right.

So all I do is score once, and
then I don't come to the wedding?

Yes.

Well, this is gonna be...

♪ A slam dunk!

(ball bouncing)
(Roger laughs)

Break a leg. Hell,
break both of 'em.

(Roger laughs)

(saxophone plays jazz)

Heavenly Father, we thank
you for your glories.

We also thank Martin for his
lovely sax solo in lieu of vows.

Rianne will now recite hers.

RIANNE (Southern accent):
My love,

when I look deep in your
eyes, I find my own destiny.

I find that I want to love you for
the rest of my days, and I will.

I will spend every
day of my life

trying to make you the happiest
man in the whole world.

(crying): That was lovely.

If anybody has any
objection to this union,

you speak now, or forever
hold your peace.

- I object.
- What?!

(crowd gasping and groaning)

I need to do something first--

get your father's blessing.



(Roger scoffs)

I came here for my daughter,

not you.

- I love her, Rog.
- (Roger sighs)

Yeah. I know you do, pal.



(explosion)
(screaming)

(overlapping shouting)

No!

(screaming and shouting)

I love weddings.

They always such a blast!

- Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Got to get out of here!

(crowd screams and shouts)

Oh! Oh, let me out of here!
Let me out of here! Oh!

(grunting)

(grunting)

(crowd screaming and shouting)

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!



Um... I don't get why
you're making this.

- Oh, I mean...
- Oh...

God, the bank didn't
get it either.

Why make anything, you know?
For the money, for the glory,

- for the fame. All-- the whole thing.
- Absolutely.

Yeah, and-and clearly the
movie's pretty kick-ass

right up until we get to
the special effects snafu.

Our ex-backer liked to cut
corners, but we feel like,

with your technical expertise, being
from a dot-com company and all,

and your money, we could
really make a kick-ass movie.

Yeah, now, the next scene is,
um, the next scene is bad.

- The next scene is a little bit of a
disaster. - It's got some problems, too,

but then, once we get past
that, it's pretty good,

but let me set this up for you
so you're not totally confused.

Somebody released some
kind of a biting bug,

the likes of which I've
never contended with.

Frank and I got them from China,

and they just went crazy in
the bar and bit us up like...

What do you mean you "got
them from China"?

- You ordered them? - Don't worry about where
we got them or why we were getting them.

- Jesus Christ. - We just released
them, there was an issue...

All right, so you're
gonna enjoy this part.

- Go ahead and push play.
- Yeah, yeah, keep it going.

Hey, Chief, I'd
like to trade in...

(both coughing)
...these flowers for a badge.

Well, I just happen
to have that gun.

Welcome back to
the force, Riggs.

- (whispering): Murtaugh.
- Murtaugh!

It's great that you're a cop
again, Rog.

We'll n-need it.

Well, I had to come back

because they killed my baby girl as
you was getting married to her. Yeah.

Looks like I'm not the only
cop with a death wish now.

Ha!

Chief, I think I found some clues.

What the hell does those things
have to do with Chief Lazarus?

- Well, I've got a hunch.
- Chief, I've got a hunch.

See, feathers were usually used
in Indian resurrection burials,

- which could only mean one thing.
- Damn!

Well... That Lazarus
is back from the dead.

Damn!

You think?

So he's probably planning an
elaborate rain dance to drench L.A.

so bad that it ends
up in the ocean.

Making his Indian reservation
the only thing left standing

and very valuable
beachfront property.

- That's could be the only answer.
- Yeah.

Oh, oh. I'm just gonna
fast-forward for a minute.

- Uh, but this...
- Yeah, this is important...

I'll, uh, I'll play it here.

Beachfront property on
his Indian reservation.

- No, you're still going on about
the whole... - No, just keep going.

- Yeah... yeah, yeah. - Well, you got
to explain every aspect of the movie.

That's crazy.

Well, that's because when you
go to the movies, you know,

you can't follow
what's going on.

- No, you can't follow what's going on.
- Yeah, yes, you can.

No, no, you're like, "Who's that guy? Is
that the good guy, is that the bad guy?"

Everybody knows!
I'm sorry, guys, um, but

maybe it would help if I saw the
original Mel Gibson version first.

- W-What do you mean that you've
not seen... - Wha...? How...?

You've never seen...
Lethal Weapon?

- Lethal Weapon?
- No, I mean, I've heard of it.

I think what's happening here
is the fact that you're a woman,

- and our demographic skews male.
- Well, um...

It does-- we are a male-
driven, uh, you know...

- We're a male-driven entity.
- I-I got, I got that.

Oh, oh, oh, the next scene.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, right, right...
- Oh, the next scene.

That's right, there's
stuff for the...

- the ladies, I guess.
- Oh, for the ladies.

- This is all for the ladies.
- You're gonna love this.

- Well... yeah.
- You're gonna dive right in, right here.

("Playing with the Boys" by
Kenny Loggins playing) ♪

♪ I'd say it was the right time ♪

♪ To walk away ♪

♪ When dreamin' ♪
♪ takes you nowhere ♪

♪ It's time to play ♪

♪ Bodies workin' overtime ♪

♪ Your money don't matter... ♪
- Yeah...!

♪ Time keeps ticking ♪
♪ When someone's on my mind ♪

♪ Playing ♪

♪ Playing with the boys ♪

♪ I'm staying ♪

♪ Staying with the boys... ♪

Yeah.
(both whoop)

All right.

All right, blokes, let's
hit the showers, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know about you,
mate, but I'm sore.

(laughing): I'm really sore.
I really needed this.

Oh, I needed it, too, mate.
All right, buddy.

Now that we know what Lazarus'
plan is, what are we gonna do?

We got to track him down
and fight him, you know?

Sure do.

We got to track him
down and punch him.

We're gonna track him down and we're
gonna... We're gonna go to the strip club,

which I'm excited to do.

- (laughing): I love strip clubs.
- Oh, baby, I love me a good strip club.

- We're gonna... I mean,
this is crazy, right? - Wha...?

I miss her, Riggs.

Nothing's ever gonna
make me forget her.

I know, buddy. Lazarus has
taken everything from us,

but we're gonna take what
he loves most: his life.

Yeah?

Well, we'd better do it
right this time, baby.

We ain't getting any younger.

That's for sure.

I'm starting to think even I'm
getting too old for this shit.

Say what?

Oh... (laughs)

- That's what you always say.
- I know.

- I brought it back. That's your...
- Yeah, I got that.

(both laughing)
Whoa, shit.

- Come here, you rascal.
- Whoa!

- You want to wrestle, you...
- You want to go, old man?

You young, but you ain't
that strong, baby.

You want to go, old man?
You want to go, old man?

You too young for this...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this?
What are you showing me here?

We're showing you a testosterone-driven,
male-skewing action melodrama.

- Yeah, you're gonna love this stuff.
- And, by the way, as a hedge fund manager,

you're used to this kind of
high-stakes, adrenaline-pumping action,

so this should be
perfect for you.

- I'm a little confused.
- Oh, is it the character-switching?

'Cause, just move
past that, all right?

Trust me, our audience
has come to expect

- that kind of thing from us. - No, no, no,
I'm confused about what you want.

Uh, you need money to fund
your gay porno movie?

- Oh, goddamn it, Mac.
- Gay porno movie?

- What are you talking about?
- See? See!

- You even watching the movie?
- Yes, in a lot of ways

- this is a love story between
two men. - No, it isn't.

- Okay, yes, in a... most ways.
- No, it isn't.

All right, but this is about
as masculine as it gets.

- It's not, it's not, I mean...
- No, it isn't, no, it isn't.

- You had a butt-double.
- Oh, of course I had a butt-double.

- You think I'm gonna show my butt
on camera, Charlie? - Oh, my God,

I was uncomfortable
filming the scene.

If you play the movie, you'll see..

- It gets way straighter, I promise. - Push
play, you're gonna love this next part.

We'll cut that stuff out.
See, nobody wants that...

I sure am glad we came to
this strip club, Riggs.

(chuckles) I do like looking at
beautiful naked women.

- That's because we're not gay.
- Right, right.

Up next is Lady Starship. She's gonna
blow you away with her celestial body.

(chuckles): Lady Starship--
I like the sound of that.



- Man, what the hell!
- Oh, what the f...



- (laughs): That's more like it. Yeah.
- You like that?

I do, yeah.

What are you looking at, man?
Shit.

Frank, will you pay
attention, man?

I mean, come on, we've
been all over town.

We went to a hedge fund guy, a
dot-com girl, we went to banks.

- No one's gonna fund this thing.
- No, we need to finish the movie, Frank.

All right, I'll give you the money.
But we do the movie my way.

I want... what I want.
And you know what I want.

That's not cool, man.

We can make it work, we'll just
have to add some exposition--

- a whole scene of it.
- What needs to be explained?

It's gonna be perfectly clear! It's gonna
be way too clear what's happening.

Frank, it's gonna ruin
the movie, Frank!

It's gonna be so confusing...

- It's not gonna be...
- It's not gonna be confusing.

We got a deal or what?

(gunshots)
(grunts)

- Ah! Damn.
- Damn! They found us!

(automatic gunfire)

- We got Lazarus trapped in
his own umbrella factory. - Yeah.

He gonna do a rain dance and then make
some money on some umbrellas, man.

He a dirty bitch.
(gunfire continues)

Come on, let's go get him.

(grunting)

I'm gonna jump over this!

(gunfire continues)

Get over it! I got you, Riggs!
Hurry up!

(automatic gunfire continues)
(grunting)

- Oh, I'm getting too old for this shit.
- Come on, man!

(yells, groans)

We're pinned down, Rog.

This could be it, good buddy.
This could be the end.

Okay, Rog, if this is the end,
we should be the ones to end it.

You know what? I got this.

(bullet ricochets)

(gunshots) (grunts)
(automatic gunfire)

(guns clicking)

(gasping)

(grunting)

I got that weird Danish twin.

(cackling)

Oh, shit!

(bullets ricocheting)

Aw, damn! He got away.

Oh, hey, you know what?

We got to also remember to get that
shaman priestess from the beginning.

We don't want her bringing
him back from the dead...

again.

That's a good point.

- Where's Mac?
- He's in the bathroom.

Well, that's not gonna work.
I mean, we can't...

- It's fine, just go, let's go.
- He's in the bathroom.

- He's in the bathroom. - Charlie,
it's not... we can't... I mean, it's...

(gunshots)

(bullet ricochets)
(gunshots continue)

(grunts): Oh, shit!
Rog, I'm out of bullets!

You are? Oh, I'm out of
bullets, too, Riggs. Oh, no!

Time to kiss L.A.
good-bye, suckers!

'Cause tonight the
forecast calls for rain!

(guttural chanting)

- Riggs, there's a basketball right there.
- You should use it.

- I know.
- Wha... Oh!

Oh, shit, Rog.

If you make this shot, you
will have redeemed yourself

with the item that you failed
with in the beginning.

That is right.

I can do it, Riggs.
(chuckles): Ho-ho-ho-ho.

In your face, sucker.

Yeah, buddy, you did it!

You did exactly what you said you
were gonna do, and now he's dead.

And now we have to
kill that shaman woman

so that she doesn't come back
and reanimate him again.

Wait. I got a better idea first.

- What is it?
- Let me just show you, man, will you?

- We don't have to say everything, man.
- Shit.



You know you always have
my blessin', partner.

That's my partner right there.

Yeah. And that's a callback.

From the beginning-- so
it's come full circle.

We know.

And then we brought you
back from the dead.

Well, the shaman did it.
And then we killed her.

- Because we didn't want her to bring
back Lazarus. - Okay. We get it.

Go ahead.
Kiss her.

Kiss her, man.

Yeah.

Come on, man.

(loud explosion)



(gunshot)



(cackling)

(growls)

One last thing, in case I die.

(rhythmic grunting, gasping)

(over video): Oh, my God! Oh!

(rhythmic grunting continues)

S-So again, this is what we were trying to
avoid by coming to you in the first place.

Yeah.