It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 7 - The Gang Gets Quarantined - full transcript
After one of Frank and Charlies neighbors die from a flu, the gang decides to lock themselves up in the bar and become quarantined. While being quarantined, the gang doesn't follow the rules and all get locked up by Frank, who at the same time is losing his mind, and Charlie just thinking that Quarantine is a game.
♪ Motownphilly's back again ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
♪ Doing a little
East Coast swing ♪
- ♪ Boyz II Men going off... ♪
- ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Not too hard, not too soft ♪
♪ Back in school we used to
dream about this every day ♪
♪ Could it really happen or
do dreams just fade away? ♪
No, no, no, no, stop,
stop, stop, stop.
God, guys, damn it.
I mean, you know, I
need a little...
a little buoyancy
in the harmonies.
I mean, listen to the lyrics. Right?
"Not too hard... not too soft."
You were coming in pretty
hard, I would say.
The lead's got to
cut through, Dee.
I don't know, man. I thought
we sounded pretty good.
Oh, we sounded "pretty good."
Oh, hi, super group Boyz II Men,
please let us win your contest.
We sound, eh, pretty good.
Come on, man. If we're
gonna open for Boyz II Men
at the Boyz II Men concert, we need
to dazzle them with our harmonies.
- Mmm...
- Okay.
He's dead.
- Rodriguez is dead.
- Frank, will you get out of here?
We're in the middle of
Boyz II Men rehearsal.
Well, hold on a second. I'll
bite-- who's Rodriguez?
That sweet old man
from our building.
This is the worst flu that
Philly has ever seen.
- Wow.
- We have to quarantine ourselves.
What?
Frank, we're not gonna die of the
flu because we're young and vital.
- You are old and feeble. - Actually,
Frank does bring up a good point.
We can't afford to
get sick right now.
'Cause you know what you can't
do when you get the flu?
- Sing?
- Sing. - Sing.
- Yeah, I mean, I was gonna...
- You wanted to say it?
- Yeah, but I wanted to say it.
- Oh, shit, well, I'm sorry, man.
- Uh, do you want to ask it again, or...?
- Ask us again.
Uh, you know what you
can't do when you get...?
Nah, forget it, it's fine.
- Quarantine, baby!
- All right, this is gonna be good.
Everybody find a spot to put your
sleeping bags and we'll be all set.
All right, Frank,
where we at, my man?
- Well, right there. - You know, you
don't have to sleep together.
It's a comfort thing.
Guys, I got to say, I'm
excited to play quarantine.
Oh, my God, for the last time, we're not
playing quarantine, this is a quarantine.
- Huh?
- I'm gonna get so blacked out.
Yeah!
What are you talking about? Mac, do you
want to lose this singing contest?
Why do you think we're quarantining
ourselves in the first place?
- To protect my life!
- No, to preserve our vocal cords, okay?
- Which also means no alcohol, guys.
- Come on, dude!
- Wait a minute, wait a minute,
that's a good idea. - That's crazy.
Because alcohol lowers
your immune system.
Well, why the hell are we quarantining
ourselves in a bar, if we can't drink?
We got to drink.
Yes, hi, I'd like to order
two pepperonis, one combo and
breadsticks,
like, a shitload of breadsticks...
- Hey!
- You can't do that.
This is a quarantine. Nothing goes out,
nothing comes in. Especially a pizza guy.
Going house to house, handling
money, banging lonely broads.
They're filthy!
All right, come on, listen.
I'm gonna take all
your cell phones.
- You lost your privileges.
- Thanks a lot, Dee.
It's just until the
vaccine is replenished.
He does make a good
point, you know?
Vaccines really do work.
My mom used to vaccinate me,
like, every month, and
I never got sick.
The reason you didn't get sick
was because you and your mom
would wear those ridiculous bubble
boy suits during the flu season.
Okay, what are we gonna do in here
if we can't eat pizza or drink beer?
Well, I'll tell you exactly
what we're gonna do.
Practice.
Come on, man, you know,
like, just let me do it.
Like, why do you keep doing that? Why
do you guys keep stealing that from me?
♪ Dum-dum-dum-da-da
Dum-dum-dum-da-da ♪
♪ Die-ya-ya-yada
Da-da-da-ah-oh. ♪
Yes!
That was good.
- That sounded... that's harmony.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was terrible, let's try it again,
let's try, let's do it again.
- We've been working this forever.
I think it's fine for now. - Yeah.
You think fine is good enough
for the Boyz II the Men?
Ah, calm down.
Okay, guys, I think we're focusing
a little too much on the singing
and not enough on the showmanship. You
know, maybe we should work out a couple of
- sweet dance moves, you know?
- What is that? Yeah.
Like, that we could all do in unison.
Or maybe we could wear the same outfit!
Okay, yes! We'll create a visual
harmony, same outfit, good.
Oh, you guys, you guys, if we want to
stand out, you know what we got to do?
- We got to focus on our story.
- Yes!
Those competitions are all
about how singing helped you
overcome some major
obstacle, you know?
So I'll do, like, a stutter, and I'll
say I got it from-from watching,
like, a friend get
blown to bits in Iraq.
Ooh, ooh, you know what?
And do it with a Southern accent
- and talk about Jesus a lot.
- Yeah!
Good, good, okay, so we'll
be, like, a group of, like,
Southern, stuttering army vets
with, like, a religious bend.
- Mm-hmm. - Okay, and then we'll
all be in the same outfit.
- Oh, we should be, like, carnies.
- We're gonna be carnies.
Religious stuttering
army carnies.
Who love Jesus.
- And watched our friends explode on stage.
- And have pearls and sing...
♪ My friend exploded
My friend exploded... ♪
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!
- It's great, no?
- Hey.
No.
Absolutely not.
- Are you kidding me?
- What?
- What?
- It's a singing competition.
So can we please work on our
harmonies?
And not talk about dressing
like army carnies?
- But then maybe one of us can be a...
- One, two, three.
Goddamn it! Come out here!
Come on out here.
- What? What? What?
- What is your problem?
This.
I found it in the back office
in the garbage. It's still warm.
This whole quarantine
has been compromised.
What... me?!
Come on... come on.
Why would I do it? You
guys would suspect me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a recent
delivery you made to Paddy's Pub.
I'll get to the bottom of this.
Yeah, all right, well, what
was the name on the order?
Spider-Man. That's very
clever, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dennis, ask him how it's possible for him
to talk to you through a cut phone wire.
How is it possible for you to
talk to me through a cut ph...
- I cut it when I found the pizza.
- Holy shit.
- Dennis is Spider-Man.
- No... no one is Spider-Man.
Fine, yeah, oh, yeah, it was me, the
evil villain with the perfect voice
who ordered the pizza, but, guys, you
don't have to worry about me, all right?
I can fight off whatever
stupid illness this pizza may
or may not have had, all right? I'm
in perfect control of my body.
Just like I am with my voice.
I-I-I can go from flaccid to
erect at a moment's notice.
He can, I've seen it.
Buddy, you're seeing it.
You're all seeing it.
'Cause I'm doing it right now.
Flaccid, erect.
Flaccid, erect.
Flaccid, erect.
Not too hard, not too soft.
Come on, what are you doing?!
You're gonna quarantine me
inside a quarantine, really?
Aw, sh...
Now, this is the look
that I was talking about.
You got the bow ties
and the ball caps.
- It's casual formal.
- Yeah, right, right, right.
Like, are they bat boys
or are they butlers?
You don't know, but
it's like a sweet look.
♪ Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma ♪
♪ Ma-ma-ma. ♪
What is he doing?
Oh, I'm just warming up
my voice a little bit.
You guys should, uh, keep warm.
Stay warm.
- Oh, my God, I'm loving him
in the bathroom. - Me, too.
I mean, it's great.
Now, I did a little sketch
of the outfit myself.
And I wasn't quite sure
what you were going for.
Like, if we were all each
gonna be a body part,
or if you wanted us mashed in
this thing side-by-side somehow?
What are you talking about?
Well, you said that we're all
in the same outfit, right?
So I'm trying to figure,
like, who goes where.
"Same" as in "matching," not same as in
jammed into the same set of clothing.
Okay, not sure that's as good, 'cause this
really makes a splash with the crowd.
Dee, what do you think
about all this?
D-D-D-Don't- Don't
put me on the spot.
I-I'm just, I-I-I'm just a
Jesus-loving e-e-ex-marine.
That's really good.
I mean, so, so sad.
It's supposed to be sad. It's supposed to
guilt them into voting for us, you know.
That's not all. This Bible's a Bible
of my daddy who just di-di-died
in my-my arms of-of throat cancer,
from-from eating some-some-some bad pussy.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
You just earned you spot at
the head of the suit, Dee.
- That was really good.
- That was good.
Frank, what the hell
are you doing, dude?
I'm getting rid of all
this contaminated crap!
Now, come on, you're going crazy with
this food thing, Frank. We need to eat.
We need to eat, but we only
eat protected food from now on.
Like, oranges and
coconuts and snow crab.
No! No snow crabs! The shells could
lacerate your throats. Absolutely not.
Okay, well, someone's gonna have to go
out and get this food, so I'll do it.
No, no, no! You can go out together.
You can't go out alone.
In case one of you get sneezed on,
the other one can report back.
Frank, tell you what.
Mac and I will go out.
And I guarantee we won't get sneezed on.
All right, dude, first things first.
Let's get some beer, man.
You know, screw
Dennis and his rules.
The guy's, like, you know,
such a dick about shit.
Yeah, dude, he can be
so controlling, you know?
He can do really cool stuff
with his dick, though.
You gotta ease up on
talking about dicks, man.
Like, it's just, it's
too much by this point.
You think? Oh, wait a second.
- There's no, there's no opening to this.
- Shit, I'm sorry, dude.
I forgot, there's no
opening in yours.
But my mom rigged hers
with a special pouch
so that she could
have her cocktails.
See? It fills up.
Your mom rigged her suit
so she could drink booze?
- Dude, you mom's an alcoholic.
- My mom's not an alcoholic!
No, bro! She is, but it's totally
cool, because it skips a generation.
That's why you're
not an alcoholic.
That's not good right
there, man!
There's too many bogeys!
Let's get some fruit, let's get out of
here, let's get back to the quarantine.
That's right, man.
Let's get out of here.
Whoa! Stop!
- What is this? I love it!
- Huh?
What was all this?
Oh, it's just a little dance move
I've been working on. It's stupid.
- I was just practicing.
- No, man, that's sweet as hell.
Show me that shit.
- You like it?
- Yeah!
It sort of like a Fly
Girl power spin.
I've been working on it.
It's a...
You want to see the whole thing?
It's sort of a...
Whoo!
Oh, shit, you all right?
- It's a balance thing.
- Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
- You got a breach!
- Oh, shit!
Come on.
- Hey! Close your pit! Close your pit!
- Don't tell Frank.
I won't tell Frank.
Hold your arm.
- Don't tell Frank.
- Hold your breath. Go! Move!
Charlie, don't tell Frank!
Look at all the hair.
Look at the hair.
It's like a goddamn barber shop.
- Be on the lookout, Deandra!
- Yeah, copy that.
- Looking for hair.
- Stop talking about hair, please.
It's very annoying to me.
That's what carries the
disease, Dennis-- the hair.
We don't really need it.
Look at us.
We're evolving without it.
We came from the apes,
and look at us now.
One day, we'll be completely
hairless and totally pure.
Yeah, you should
write that down.
What are you doing?
Cleaning, cleaning.
You know, you said scrub
the place from top to bottom.
And it was a good thing that I did,
too, because I'll tell you what.
- Mad dusty up there.
- Yeah, good-good... good thinking.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Were you eating pizza and
drinking beer up there?
Yes, Frank, I was eating
and drinking in a ceiling.
I mean, will you use your head?
- No, I'm getting a little stir crazy.
- Yeah.
That's-that's...
Yeah, it's driving you nuts.
- Driving me nuts.
- I get it.
Right.
- One more thing.
- Hmm?
That's not mine.
Hey, Frank, are you kidding me?
Goddamn it, it's just one beer!
Oh!
It only takes one germ, Dee.
Oh, Jesus!
Of course, how anybody thinks that a
germ could survive
a scalding hot pizza
is beyond me.
Oh, Dennis, you don't look good.
Trust me, Dee,
if I found myself getting
sick, I would simply say...
"Sickness be gone!"
It's all here, you know:
oranges, hand sanitizer,
basically everything.
No snow crabs, you know.
- Hey, where's Dee?
- Quarantined.
There was a breach.
No breaches on your end, right?
- No.
- No, no breaches.
- Yeah. Everything's cool.
- No, no, breaches.
- Yeah, everything was cool.
- Yeah, everything was good.
Good. I'm gonna go shave.
Get all this filthy
hair off my face.
Oh.
Then when I come back, we'll
play some games
so nobody goes nuts or nothing.
Uh, movie, movie.
Okay, movie.
Two, three, four, five words.
Doesn't matter?
Ocean's Eleven.
Ocean's Twelve!
Ocean's Thirteen!
Frank, I can't concentrate
when you look like this.
You look ridiculous, man. It was
"What's Eating Gilbert Grape?".
That's where all the bacteria
lies, Charlie, in your hair.
That's why I shaved it off. Now
it just flows off my body.
You should do the same, mm-hmm.
He breached! He breached!
His suit ripped in the store!
He tried to do, like a power spin, and
it ripped. And he probably got sick!
That's not true! Oh, you rat!
This is bullshit! This is bullshit!
I feel fine.
You should stand over there 'cause I
think I'm really getting the flu.
Oh, I'm-I'm sick
as a dog already.
Oh, if you guys are getting
sick, then stay away from me.
Holy shit, dude!
I think we need to
call 911 for you.
- Hey, should we work on our harmonies?
- Seriously, dude?
I think we need to get
you to a hospital.
Does that sound like a man who
needs to be in a hospital?
- Yeah, dude.
- From the top.
♪ Motown... Motownphilly... ♪
Charlie?
Charlie, look at that.
Look how clean I am.
Dude, you look like
a shriveled raisin.
It's all about purity, Charlie.
Humans are filthy. Dirty filthy.
All right, man.
You got to mix in with beasts...
fowl, rodents.
People do what they do, man.
What am I gonna do about it?
When I get out of here, I'm
gonna clean Philadelphia.
Good.
A giant cleanse.
Well, good luck with that.
Not the city...
the population.
Okay, well... go for it.
I can't stop shaking.
It's so hot and also so cold.
What's up, what's up?
Talking hot and cold?
Mm-hmm.
- Charlie, are you sick, too?
- Hmm, sick?
Nah, Frank's all trying
to shave me and shit.
I'm like, "Dude, no way."
So, I figured I'd hang out with
you guys instead, you know?
We're very sick,
we have the flu.
If you, if you stay in here,
you're gonna get sick.
Good, he deserves it
for ratting me out.
Please, Mac, I've been vaccinated
for every disease in the book.
I'm gonna be just fine.
Oh, God.
- That's a lot of throw up.
- This flu is so brutal.
Hey, guys?
I think I might be coming
down with something, too.
Are you kidding me, dude?
Like, I think you're gonna die.
I think I'm gonna die.
I've never felt like
this before in my life.
If I'm gonna die, I'm
gonna go down drinking.
- Anyone want some booze?
- I knew you drank cleaning supplies.
Oh, no, dude, this is booze.
I stash whiskey in here.
- Dude, you are an alcoholic.
- Whatever.
Dee stashes warm beer in the
ceiling of the back office.
I keep a flask of créme de menthe
behind the jukebox in the bar,
- it's not a big deal.
- Just drink, you know, because
- this might be our last chance.
- Bottoms up.
I'm not getting it. So you crawl around
on the bed, looking for minerals?
Uh, no. If I'm looking for minerals,
I got to be under the bed.
Minerals on top of the bed doesn't
make any sense, actually.
None of this makes any sense.
It's insane.
You know, I don't know about you guys,
and I don't know why this is happening,
but I actually
feel a lot better.
Well, you look better.
You guys all look better. I'm
actually feeling better, too.
- I feel great.
- Yeah.
How is that even possible?
All we've been doing is sitting
here and drinking.
How could we have gotten
better so quickly?
Oh, my God, you guys.
You guys, we haven't been drinking since
we quarantined ourselves into the bar.
At least since we got
stuck in the bathroom.
- Oh, that's right.
- Wait, wait, wait, so what are you saying?
That-that we never had the flu?
We were just having alcohol
withdrawal?
- Yeah.
- Alcohol withdrawals!
- That's great!
- Is it great?
- It means we're all alcoholics.
- Ah...
Yeah, yeah... right.
What do we do with
that information?
What do you do with
any information?
You just stuff it deep down
inside and keep an eye on it.
- You keep it.
- I'm certainly not gonna stop drinking.
- I mean, I physically can't.
- No, no, not at this point.
- We're in, we're in too deep.
- Yeah.
- I'm a, I'm a young guy.
- Just kids having fun, right?
That's right. We got an audition to make.
So let's bust this door down, Mac.
What do you say, you want to
roundhouse the door for us?
- I was gonna suggest that.
- Yeah, I know you were, buddy.
That's why I said it. Just
do it and get it over with.
- Okay.
- Hold on, hold on, though.
If we don't want to break the
door, I have a key.
You've got a key?!
We've been in here this whole time,
and you could've let us out?!
I didn't know that we were trapped in here.
I thought we were just playing quarantine.
What the...?! No, we're not playing
quarantine. We're quarantined.
- Let's go.
- Just open the door.
- Yo, Frank! We're not sick.
- Yeah, we're fine, dude. We...
Whoa.
What the hell is this?
- Oh, shit, I think it's hand sanitizer.
- Hmm?
- Hand sanitizer?
- Where is it going?
Frank?
Uh, why is there hand
sanitizer all over the floor?
It goes in here and...
Oh!
- Frank?
- Oh, my God!
What the hell did
you do to yourself?
I just want to be pure.
God, what are we
gonna do about this?
Probably get him to
the hospital, right?
Yeah.
Ooh, let's make a
quick stop first.
- ♪ Motownphilly's back again ♪
- ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Doing a little
East Coast swing ♪
- ♪ Boyz II Men going off ♪
- ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
- ♪ Not too hard, not too soft ♪
- ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Boyz II Men, ABC, BBD ♪
- Mm-hmm.
- So, what do you think?
In your professional opinion,
you think we got a shot?
I mean, we're talking about
Boyz II Men here.
- We want to go and
we want to win. - Yeah.
Boyz II Men? That
concert is canceled.
- What? Why?
- Yeah, yeah, they all got the flu.
- Oh, son of a bitch!
- So we did this for nothing?
Well, I mean, no, not nothing.
I mean, guys, look,
we came together in harmony.
You know, if I'm being honest, I'd rather
go back to the bar and get drunk,
than go to some,
you know, concert.
- Yes!
- You know what, guys?
We can sing at the bar
like we always do.
- That's right.
- Yeah, but drink.
- Oh, yeah.
- 'Cause I want to drink.
- And we got to stay healthy.
- That's right.
- We have to stay healthy.
- We'll always drink.
- Well, then from the top, shall we?
- Okay.
♪ Motownphilly's back again ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Doing a little East Coast swing. ♪
Okay, we've got to get that
sanitizer off you, huh?
You ready for your sponge bath?
Shit.
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
♪ Doing a little
East Coast swing ♪
- ♪ Boyz II Men going off... ♪
- ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Not too hard, not too soft ♪
♪ Back in school we used to
dream about this every day ♪
♪ Could it really happen or
do dreams just fade away? ♪
No, no, no, no, stop,
stop, stop, stop.
God, guys, damn it.
I mean, you know, I
need a little...
a little buoyancy
in the harmonies.
I mean, listen to the lyrics. Right?
"Not too hard... not too soft."
You were coming in pretty
hard, I would say.
The lead's got to
cut through, Dee.
I don't know, man. I thought
we sounded pretty good.
Oh, we sounded "pretty good."
Oh, hi, super group Boyz II Men,
please let us win your contest.
We sound, eh, pretty good.
Come on, man. If we're
gonna open for Boyz II Men
at the Boyz II Men concert, we need
to dazzle them with our harmonies.
- Mmm...
- Okay.
He's dead.
- Rodriguez is dead.
- Frank, will you get out of here?
We're in the middle of
Boyz II Men rehearsal.
Well, hold on a second. I'll
bite-- who's Rodriguez?
That sweet old man
from our building.
This is the worst flu that
Philly has ever seen.
- Wow.
- We have to quarantine ourselves.
What?
Frank, we're not gonna die of the
flu because we're young and vital.
- You are old and feeble. - Actually,
Frank does bring up a good point.
We can't afford to
get sick right now.
'Cause you know what you can't
do when you get the flu?
- Sing?
- Sing. - Sing.
- Yeah, I mean, I was gonna...
- You wanted to say it?
- Yeah, but I wanted to say it.
- Oh, shit, well, I'm sorry, man.
- Uh, do you want to ask it again, or...?
- Ask us again.
Uh, you know what you
can't do when you get...?
Nah, forget it, it's fine.
- Quarantine, baby!
- All right, this is gonna be good.
Everybody find a spot to put your
sleeping bags and we'll be all set.
All right, Frank,
where we at, my man?
- Well, right there. - You know, you
don't have to sleep together.
It's a comfort thing.
Guys, I got to say, I'm
excited to play quarantine.
Oh, my God, for the last time, we're not
playing quarantine, this is a quarantine.
- Huh?
- I'm gonna get so blacked out.
Yeah!
What are you talking about? Mac, do you
want to lose this singing contest?
Why do you think we're quarantining
ourselves in the first place?
- To protect my life!
- No, to preserve our vocal cords, okay?
- Which also means no alcohol, guys.
- Come on, dude!
- Wait a minute, wait a minute,
that's a good idea. - That's crazy.
Because alcohol lowers
your immune system.
Well, why the hell are we quarantining
ourselves in a bar, if we can't drink?
We got to drink.
Yes, hi, I'd like to order
two pepperonis, one combo and
breadsticks,
like, a shitload of breadsticks...
- Hey!
- You can't do that.
This is a quarantine. Nothing goes out,
nothing comes in. Especially a pizza guy.
Going house to house, handling
money, banging lonely broads.
They're filthy!
All right, come on, listen.
I'm gonna take all
your cell phones.
- You lost your privileges.
- Thanks a lot, Dee.
It's just until the
vaccine is replenished.
He does make a good
point, you know?
Vaccines really do work.
My mom used to vaccinate me,
like, every month, and
I never got sick.
The reason you didn't get sick
was because you and your mom
would wear those ridiculous bubble
boy suits during the flu season.
Okay, what are we gonna do in here
if we can't eat pizza or drink beer?
Well, I'll tell you exactly
what we're gonna do.
Practice.
Come on, man, you know,
like, just let me do it.
Like, why do you keep doing that? Why
do you guys keep stealing that from me?
♪ Dum-dum-dum-da-da
Dum-dum-dum-da-da ♪
♪ Die-ya-ya-yada
Da-da-da-ah-oh. ♪
Yes!
That was good.
- That sounded... that's harmony.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was terrible, let's try it again,
let's try, let's do it again.
- We've been working this forever.
I think it's fine for now. - Yeah.
You think fine is good enough
for the Boyz II the Men?
Ah, calm down.
Okay, guys, I think we're focusing
a little too much on the singing
and not enough on the showmanship. You
know, maybe we should work out a couple of
- sweet dance moves, you know?
- What is that? Yeah.
Like, that we could all do in unison.
Or maybe we could wear the same outfit!
Okay, yes! We'll create a visual
harmony, same outfit, good.
Oh, you guys, you guys, if we want to
stand out, you know what we got to do?
- We got to focus on our story.
- Yes!
Those competitions are all
about how singing helped you
overcome some major
obstacle, you know?
So I'll do, like, a stutter, and I'll
say I got it from-from watching,
like, a friend get
blown to bits in Iraq.
Ooh, ooh, you know what?
And do it with a Southern accent
- and talk about Jesus a lot.
- Yeah!
Good, good, okay, so we'll
be, like, a group of, like,
Southern, stuttering army vets
with, like, a religious bend.
- Mm-hmm. - Okay, and then we'll
all be in the same outfit.
- Oh, we should be, like, carnies.
- We're gonna be carnies.
Religious stuttering
army carnies.
Who love Jesus.
- And watched our friends explode on stage.
- And have pearls and sing...
♪ My friend exploded
My friend exploded... ♪
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!
- It's great, no?
- Hey.
No.
Absolutely not.
- Are you kidding me?
- What?
- What?
- It's a singing competition.
So can we please work on our
harmonies?
And not talk about dressing
like army carnies?
- But then maybe one of us can be a...
- One, two, three.
Goddamn it! Come out here!
Come on out here.
- What? What? What?
- What is your problem?
This.
I found it in the back office
in the garbage. It's still warm.
This whole quarantine
has been compromised.
What... me?!
Come on... come on.
Why would I do it? You
guys would suspect me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a recent
delivery you made to Paddy's Pub.
I'll get to the bottom of this.
Yeah, all right, well, what
was the name on the order?
Spider-Man. That's very
clever, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dennis, ask him how it's possible for him
to talk to you through a cut phone wire.
How is it possible for you to
talk to me through a cut ph...
- I cut it when I found the pizza.
- Holy shit.
- Dennis is Spider-Man.
- No... no one is Spider-Man.
Fine, yeah, oh, yeah, it was me, the
evil villain with the perfect voice
who ordered the pizza, but, guys, you
don't have to worry about me, all right?
I can fight off whatever
stupid illness this pizza may
or may not have had, all right? I'm
in perfect control of my body.
Just like I am with my voice.
I-I-I can go from flaccid to
erect at a moment's notice.
He can, I've seen it.
Buddy, you're seeing it.
You're all seeing it.
'Cause I'm doing it right now.
Flaccid, erect.
Flaccid, erect.
Flaccid, erect.
Not too hard, not too soft.
Come on, what are you doing?!
You're gonna quarantine me
inside a quarantine, really?
Aw, sh...
Now, this is the look
that I was talking about.
You got the bow ties
and the ball caps.
- It's casual formal.
- Yeah, right, right, right.
Like, are they bat boys
or are they butlers?
You don't know, but
it's like a sweet look.
♪ Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma ♪
♪ Ma-ma-ma. ♪
What is he doing?
Oh, I'm just warming up
my voice a little bit.
You guys should, uh, keep warm.
Stay warm.
- Oh, my God, I'm loving him
in the bathroom. - Me, too.
I mean, it's great.
Now, I did a little sketch
of the outfit myself.
And I wasn't quite sure
what you were going for.
Like, if we were all each
gonna be a body part,
or if you wanted us mashed in
this thing side-by-side somehow?
What are you talking about?
Well, you said that we're all
in the same outfit, right?
So I'm trying to figure,
like, who goes where.
"Same" as in "matching," not same as in
jammed into the same set of clothing.
Okay, not sure that's as good, 'cause this
really makes a splash with the crowd.
Dee, what do you think
about all this?
D-D-D-Don't- Don't
put me on the spot.
I-I'm just, I-I-I'm just a
Jesus-loving e-e-ex-marine.
That's really good.
I mean, so, so sad.
It's supposed to be sad. It's supposed to
guilt them into voting for us, you know.
That's not all. This Bible's a Bible
of my daddy who just di-di-died
in my-my arms of-of throat cancer,
from-from eating some-some-some bad pussy.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
You just earned you spot at
the head of the suit, Dee.
- That was really good.
- That was good.
Frank, what the hell
are you doing, dude?
I'm getting rid of all
this contaminated crap!
Now, come on, you're going crazy with
this food thing, Frank. We need to eat.
We need to eat, but we only
eat protected food from now on.
Like, oranges and
coconuts and snow crab.
No! No snow crabs! The shells could
lacerate your throats. Absolutely not.
Okay, well, someone's gonna have to go
out and get this food, so I'll do it.
No, no, no! You can go out together.
You can't go out alone.
In case one of you get sneezed on,
the other one can report back.
Frank, tell you what.
Mac and I will go out.
And I guarantee we won't get sneezed on.
All right, dude, first things first.
Let's get some beer, man.
You know, screw
Dennis and his rules.
The guy's, like, you know,
such a dick about shit.
Yeah, dude, he can be
so controlling, you know?
He can do really cool stuff
with his dick, though.
You gotta ease up on
talking about dicks, man.
Like, it's just, it's
too much by this point.
You think? Oh, wait a second.
- There's no, there's no opening to this.
- Shit, I'm sorry, dude.
I forgot, there's no
opening in yours.
But my mom rigged hers
with a special pouch
so that she could
have her cocktails.
See? It fills up.
Your mom rigged her suit
so she could drink booze?
- Dude, you mom's an alcoholic.
- My mom's not an alcoholic!
No, bro! She is, but it's totally
cool, because it skips a generation.
That's why you're
not an alcoholic.
That's not good right
there, man!
There's too many bogeys!
Let's get some fruit, let's get out of
here, let's get back to the quarantine.
That's right, man.
Let's get out of here.
Whoa! Stop!
- What is this? I love it!
- Huh?
What was all this?
Oh, it's just a little dance move
I've been working on. It's stupid.
- I was just practicing.
- No, man, that's sweet as hell.
Show me that shit.
- You like it?
- Yeah!
It sort of like a Fly
Girl power spin.
I've been working on it.
It's a...
You want to see the whole thing?
It's sort of a...
Whoo!
Oh, shit, you all right?
- It's a balance thing.
- Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
- You got a breach!
- Oh, shit!
Come on.
- Hey! Close your pit! Close your pit!
- Don't tell Frank.
I won't tell Frank.
Hold your arm.
- Don't tell Frank.
- Hold your breath. Go! Move!
Charlie, don't tell Frank!
Look at all the hair.
Look at the hair.
It's like a goddamn barber shop.
- Be on the lookout, Deandra!
- Yeah, copy that.
- Looking for hair.
- Stop talking about hair, please.
It's very annoying to me.
That's what carries the
disease, Dennis-- the hair.
We don't really need it.
Look at us.
We're evolving without it.
We came from the apes,
and look at us now.
One day, we'll be completely
hairless and totally pure.
Yeah, you should
write that down.
What are you doing?
Cleaning, cleaning.
You know, you said scrub
the place from top to bottom.
And it was a good thing that I did,
too, because I'll tell you what.
- Mad dusty up there.
- Yeah, good-good... good thinking.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Were you eating pizza and
drinking beer up there?
Yes, Frank, I was eating
and drinking in a ceiling.
I mean, will you use your head?
- No, I'm getting a little stir crazy.
- Yeah.
That's-that's...
Yeah, it's driving you nuts.
- Driving me nuts.
- I get it.
Right.
- One more thing.
- Hmm?
That's not mine.
Hey, Frank, are you kidding me?
Goddamn it, it's just one beer!
Oh!
It only takes one germ, Dee.
Oh, Jesus!
Of course, how anybody thinks that a
germ could survive
a scalding hot pizza
is beyond me.
Oh, Dennis, you don't look good.
Trust me, Dee,
if I found myself getting
sick, I would simply say...
"Sickness be gone!"
It's all here, you know:
oranges, hand sanitizer,
basically everything.
No snow crabs, you know.
- Hey, where's Dee?
- Quarantined.
There was a breach.
No breaches on your end, right?
- No.
- No, no breaches.
- Yeah. Everything's cool.
- No, no, breaches.
- Yeah, everything was cool.
- Yeah, everything was good.
Good. I'm gonna go shave.
Get all this filthy
hair off my face.
Oh.
Then when I come back, we'll
play some games
so nobody goes nuts or nothing.
Uh, movie, movie.
Okay, movie.
Two, three, four, five words.
Doesn't matter?
Ocean's Eleven.
Ocean's Twelve!
Ocean's Thirteen!
Frank, I can't concentrate
when you look like this.
You look ridiculous, man. It was
"What's Eating Gilbert Grape?".
That's where all the bacteria
lies, Charlie, in your hair.
That's why I shaved it off. Now
it just flows off my body.
You should do the same, mm-hmm.
He breached! He breached!
His suit ripped in the store!
He tried to do, like a power spin, and
it ripped. And he probably got sick!
That's not true! Oh, you rat!
This is bullshit! This is bullshit!
I feel fine.
You should stand over there 'cause I
think I'm really getting the flu.
Oh, I'm-I'm sick
as a dog already.
Oh, if you guys are getting
sick, then stay away from me.
Holy shit, dude!
I think we need to
call 911 for you.
- Hey, should we work on our harmonies?
- Seriously, dude?
I think we need to get
you to a hospital.
Does that sound like a man who
needs to be in a hospital?
- Yeah, dude.
- From the top.
♪ Motown... Motownphilly... ♪
Charlie?
Charlie, look at that.
Look how clean I am.
Dude, you look like
a shriveled raisin.
It's all about purity, Charlie.
Humans are filthy. Dirty filthy.
All right, man.
You got to mix in with beasts...
fowl, rodents.
People do what they do, man.
What am I gonna do about it?
When I get out of here, I'm
gonna clean Philadelphia.
Good.
A giant cleanse.
Well, good luck with that.
Not the city...
the population.
Okay, well... go for it.
I can't stop shaking.
It's so hot and also so cold.
What's up, what's up?
Talking hot and cold?
Mm-hmm.
- Charlie, are you sick, too?
- Hmm, sick?
Nah, Frank's all trying
to shave me and shit.
I'm like, "Dude, no way."
So, I figured I'd hang out with
you guys instead, you know?
We're very sick,
we have the flu.
If you, if you stay in here,
you're gonna get sick.
Good, he deserves it
for ratting me out.
Please, Mac, I've been vaccinated
for every disease in the book.
I'm gonna be just fine.
Oh, God.
- That's a lot of throw up.
- This flu is so brutal.
Hey, guys?
I think I might be coming
down with something, too.
Are you kidding me, dude?
Like, I think you're gonna die.
I think I'm gonna die.
I've never felt like
this before in my life.
If I'm gonna die, I'm
gonna go down drinking.
- Anyone want some booze?
- I knew you drank cleaning supplies.
Oh, no, dude, this is booze.
I stash whiskey in here.
- Dude, you are an alcoholic.
- Whatever.
Dee stashes warm beer in the
ceiling of the back office.
I keep a flask of créme de menthe
behind the jukebox in the bar,
- it's not a big deal.
- Just drink, you know, because
- this might be our last chance.
- Bottoms up.
I'm not getting it. So you crawl around
on the bed, looking for minerals?
Uh, no. If I'm looking for minerals,
I got to be under the bed.
Minerals on top of the bed doesn't
make any sense, actually.
None of this makes any sense.
It's insane.
You know, I don't know about you guys,
and I don't know why this is happening,
but I actually
feel a lot better.
Well, you look better.
You guys all look better. I'm
actually feeling better, too.
- I feel great.
- Yeah.
How is that even possible?
All we've been doing is sitting
here and drinking.
How could we have gotten
better so quickly?
Oh, my God, you guys.
You guys, we haven't been drinking since
we quarantined ourselves into the bar.
At least since we got
stuck in the bathroom.
- Oh, that's right.
- Wait, wait, wait, so what are you saying?
That-that we never had the flu?
We were just having alcohol
withdrawal?
- Yeah.
- Alcohol withdrawals!
- That's great!
- Is it great?
- It means we're all alcoholics.
- Ah...
Yeah, yeah... right.
What do we do with
that information?
What do you do with
any information?
You just stuff it deep down
inside and keep an eye on it.
- You keep it.
- I'm certainly not gonna stop drinking.
- I mean, I physically can't.
- No, no, not at this point.
- We're in, we're in too deep.
- Yeah.
- I'm a, I'm a young guy.
- Just kids having fun, right?
That's right. We got an audition to make.
So let's bust this door down, Mac.
What do you say, you want to
roundhouse the door for us?
- I was gonna suggest that.
- Yeah, I know you were, buddy.
That's why I said it. Just
do it and get it over with.
- Okay.
- Hold on, hold on, though.
If we don't want to break the
door, I have a key.
You've got a key?!
We've been in here this whole time,
and you could've let us out?!
I didn't know that we were trapped in here.
I thought we were just playing quarantine.
What the...?! No, we're not playing
quarantine. We're quarantined.
- Let's go.
- Just open the door.
- Yo, Frank! We're not sick.
- Yeah, we're fine, dude. We...
Whoa.
What the hell is this?
- Oh, shit, I think it's hand sanitizer.
- Hmm?
- Hand sanitizer?
- Where is it going?
Frank?
Uh, why is there hand
sanitizer all over the floor?
It goes in here and...
Oh!
- Frank?
- Oh, my God!
What the hell did
you do to yourself?
I just want to be pure.
God, what are we
gonna do about this?
Probably get him to
the hospital, right?
Yeah.
Ooh, let's make a
quick stop first.
- ♪ Motownphilly's back again ♪
- ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Doing a little
East Coast swing ♪
- ♪ Boyz II Men going off ♪
- ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
- ♪ Not too hard, not too soft ♪
- ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Boyz II Men, ABC, BBD ♪
- Mm-hmm.
- So, what do you think?
In your professional opinion,
you think we got a shot?
I mean, we're talking about
Boyz II Men here.
- We want to go and
we want to win. - Yeah.
Boyz II Men? That
concert is canceled.
- What? Why?
- Yeah, yeah, they all got the flu.
- Oh, son of a bitch!
- So we did this for nothing?
Well, I mean, no, not nothing.
I mean, guys, look,
we came together in harmony.
You know, if I'm being honest, I'd rather
go back to the bar and get drunk,
than go to some,
you know, concert.
- Yes!
- You know what, guys?
We can sing at the bar
like we always do.
- That's right.
- Yeah, but drink.
- Oh, yeah.
- 'Cause I want to drink.
- And we got to stay healthy.
- That's right.
- We have to stay healthy.
- We'll always drink.
- Well, then from the top, shall we?
- Okay.
♪ Motownphilly's back again ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Doing a little East Coast swing. ♪
Okay, we've got to get that
sanitizer off you, huh?
You ready for your sponge bath?
Shit.