It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 6 - The Gang Saves the Day - full transcript
While making a beer run at a local convenience store, the gang witnesses a robbery taking place and each one comes up with a scenario that will save the day and render them heroes.
This place has got the
best hot dogs in Philadelphia.
Once you nosh on these, you're
not gonna want to eat another
- hot dog after this.
- Might as well get some
- snacks while we're here.
- I'm getting a beer.
Don't grab a beer.
We're on our way to a bar,
which we own.
I'm gonna get a beer, too.
Are you serious?
Anyone else?
Yeah, I'll have a beer.
Of course I want a beer.
Yeah.
All right, well, I'm not
gonna be the only one not
drinking beer, so come on.
Don't move!
Oh, sh... Open
the register. Open it!
Oh, shit, oh, God, we're all
gonna die.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your
brains out!
What are we gonna do?
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll
blow your brains out!
What are we gonna do?
- I will shoot you in the teeth.
- Okay.
- Give me the money.
- Hey, bozo.
Walk away now, and I let you live...
or stick around and
repent for your sins.
You better step your ass back.
And you better say "cheese."
Huh?
Crisis averted.
Holy shit!
Mac, that was amazing!
Oh, my God.
Did you like my "say cheese"
line?
I didn't quite get that, if
I'm being honest.
Yeah, I was a little bit
confused by that as well.
It was a pun, 'cause I flung
cheese in his face, you know?
No, I got that, but... Yeah, but-but
that's not really a pun. No.
No, if you... if you had
taken his photograph, and then
you flung cheese in his face...
There it is.
...that would be a pun.
Yeah, you're taking the guy's
picture, you say, "Say cheese!"
That would've done it.
Should I go get a camera?
You know what?
Yeah, he's missing the point.
It doesn't matter.
What you just did was badass.
Oh, my God.
Now let's take a look at who
this scumbag is.
Oh, sh... oh, shit.
Yakuza.
Go, go!
Oh, shit!
Oh, my God.
Hyah!
Hyoh!
Mac, watch out!
Hah!
Yah!
Hyah!
- Very impressive. Your technique...
- is impeccable.
Cool off.
Yo, Mac, that was amazing.
And that's a great pun, dude.
You used the pun right!
Yeah, you got the pun right,
dude.
Huh?
What pun?
The... "Cool off" and you
kicked him in a fridge.
He's not getting it, is he?
No, he's not. Forget it.
Don't worry about it.
What is a pun?
You know, move past it.
I'll take his photograph.
No, no. What the hell is the matter with you?
Why would you do that?
I killed the boss. That's not the
boss, you idiot. He's my father!
He owns the store!
Whoops.
My bad.
Now, is your throat okay?
Is it... is that from the smoke,
or...?
Is that a pun?
Oh, my God, Mac!
No!
Mac, Mac, Mac. We're sorry for
doubting your awesomeness. Yeah.
I can't live without you.
Don't die.
I... don't... forgive you.
No!
No, no...
Why?
Why?
I love you!
Why?
I love you!
God?
Hello, Mac.
Those were some pretty sweet
moves.
Thank you, my Lord and Savior.
Won't you join me?
Is that seat for me?
You're goddamn right it is.
Oh, hey, Rex.
'Sup, bro?
So what do we do now?
Now we ignore everyone's
prayers.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your
brains out!
What are we gonna do?
Damn it, Dee, this is all
your fault.
What?
It's because of you.
How is this my fault?
It just is, you stupid bitch.
Guys, you thinking what I'm
thinking?
Let's sacrifice her.
What?
Sir, sir!
Please, take her, take her!
Have your way with the whore!
Oh. Let me blow these assholes away.
No, no, wait, wait, wait,
please, please!
Please, don't shoot my friends.
Listen, listen to me.
Just give me the gun, okay?
We'll work something out.
Just give me the gun.
Give it to me.
There you go.
Oh, Dee!
Dee did it!
You saved our lives!
You saved the day!
You're the hero.
I'll see you in hell, boners.
No witnesses.
I like your style.
We should team up. Us ladies need
to stick together. I tell you what.
I got your back.
For life.
She did it.
What?
You bitch!
You're dead!
You hear me?
Miss Reynolds?
We need to get you into the
witness protection program
immediately.
Let me ask.
Are you good at playing
characters?
Hello,
love, I'm the new butler.
Albert Covington's the name.
Is your mom about?
I'm sorry, their-their
mother's no longer with us.
Oh, well, then, it looks like
I've come at the right time.
Children, your chariot awaits.
Ah, Miss Sarah, ham and cheese,
no crust, just the way
you like it.
Ah, ah, ah!
Who slayed Achilles?
Uh, Paris, Hector's brother.
Well done, lad.
An extra treat for you.
Mr. Covington, have you seen
my...?
Briefcase, sir.
Oh, Mr. Covington.
You're the best, Mr.
Covington. How long are you staying with us?
Well, Sarah, something
tells me I'm gonna be here a
long time.
Why is that?
Your sweater's on backwards.
♪ Paper plates for nana
House is a mess
Life for a single parent
♪ Is full of stress
Makes you want to put a gun
In your mouth
♪ Or get real high But with a little
help I think we'll just get by. ♪
By now, everyone knows the
remarkable story of Dee
Reynolds, a government witness
whose turn as a British butler
was so convincing that it was
spun off into the highest rated
sitcom of all time.
Today she is here to talk with
us about her upcoming
blockbuster Mother Earth.
Tell us more about it.
Well, this time I play a very
beautiful woman.
Uh, a warrior princess who saves
the world.
It's already grossed over
$900 million in presale tickets,
but I don't care about that.
You know, I'm more interested in
exploring truth through
character.
Amazing.
Yes.
And I understand you've
recently become engaged to young
heartthrob crooner Josh Groban.
When I found out
that Mr. Covington was actually
a chick, yeah, I had to have
her.
I mean, look at her.
She's smart, she's sexy, she's
hilarious.
She pops.
He likes his ladies to pop.
That's true, Groban does like
his ladies to pop.
Isn't he cute?
Sing her that song
you wrote for me.
Which one?
The one you wrote for me.
Oh, God, put me on the spot.
It's great.
Oh, you're gonna love it!
♪ She's got blonde hair
She's perfect in every way
Feet not too large
♪ Not too small Blonde hair
She's gorgeous
♪ Not like a bird
But like a beautiful woman
Definitely not like a bird. ♪
Oh.
I love this man so much.
- Tell you what.
- I've got the
feeling we're gonna be together
a long time.
That's how babies are made.
But they didn't stay together
a long time, their marriage only
lasting a shocking 17 minutes
before Reynolds met a new man
whom she claimed she had
to have.
I'll shoot you in the teeth.
Give me the money!
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!
What are we gonna do?
Give me the money!
You're going about this all
wrong, friend. Oh, what the hell do you know?
More than you think.
A fisherman always spots another
fisherman from afar.
Hard candy?
Shit. Ah, ooh! I... I dares it...
I dar-dar-dar... A crammy hand...
A crammy handle bit.
A crammy handle bit aye.
Der.
I love you.
Oh, God!
I... am... God.
I think he's awake.
His eyes keep opening.
Ah, I don't know, man.
He looks weird.
Can he hear us?
No way.
His eggs are scrambled.
Mr. Reynolds, are you there?
Blink if you can understand me.
Where am I?
You were shot in the head
during an armed robbery.
The bullet narrowly missed your
brain stem and exited the back
of your skull.
Does-does my dick work?
No.
Your penis does not work.
Kill me.
Mr. Reynolds, Mr. Reynolds.
It's important that you maintain
a positive attitude.
Now, with a lot of hard
work and the support of your
friends...
Ah, it appears they've left.
Well, not to worry.
We have a top-notch
rehabilitation staff and they're
gonna do everything they can to
improve your quality of life.
In fact, here comes your nurse
now.
♪ Until now
I always got by on my own
I never really cared
Until I met you... ♪
Hello, Dennis.
...from the Channel Five News
weather team.
Once upon a time, yes.
But I left that to do something
more meaningful with my life.
Now, what do you say we get you
back on your feet?
The forecast calls for
sunshine.
Come on, come on, come on.
Yes.
More.
I can't do it.
That's it.
Use your strength.
That's right.
You're so strong.
That's it.
Good.
♪ And I just can't wait
till the day
When you knock on my door... ♪
Oh, I'm so proud of you, yes!
Oh, my God!
Yeah! ♪ Now, every time I go for the
mailbox Gotta hold myself down... ♪
Yes!
Yeah!
Ah, yes!
♪ 'Cause I just can't wait
Till you write me
You're coming around... ♪
Yes!
Yes.
Oh!
Yeah, Jackie.
Oh... This is so great.
I need to tell you something.
Okay.
I am in love with you!
♪ I'm walking on sunshine
Whoa... ♪
She's lucky to be alive.
She broke her arm, few ribs,
punctured a lung, shattered her
pelvis...
Compound fractures in both legs.
Her breasts?
Excuse me?
What about her breasts?
I'm afraid that they were,
um... obliterated.
Believe me, we did everything in
our power to try to save them,
but...
Now, look, she has a long,
difficult road ahead of her, but
you above all people should know
that anything is possible.
She is lucky to have you in her
life. Could you give us a moment, please?
Of course.
♪ I'm walking on sunshine Whoa
I'm walking on sunshine ♪ Whoa
I'm walking on sunshine
Whoa... ♪
♪ And don't it feel good Good All right...
♪ Rest easy, my angel.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your
brains out!
What are we gonna do?
Let's go, buddy.
Today!
Everybody stay calm.
I'll handle this.
What?
No, Frank. Hey, Stop it.
Frank, don't be...
Are you crazy?
Hey, what are you doing?
Hurry up.
Move faster, or I'll shoot you
in the face.
In the bag.
In the bag.
I'm gonna shoot you if you don't
move faster.
Let's go.
Okay...
I don't have all day.
- Come on.
- You're
surrounded.
Put your weapon down and come
out with your hands up.
You're gonna have to kill me!
All right,
send in the K-9.
Oh, get him off me!
Goddamn it, stop!
Whoa, easy, puppy.
All right,
it looks like the hostages are
dead.
Let him have it.
Mmm... I will shoot you in the teeth.
Give me the money.
Okay.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!
Waitress, no!
You dick.
Come on!
Oh, my God, Charlie, that was
so brave.
Anything for you, my love.
Charlie.
What are you doing, dude?
Huh?
Nothing. What are you doing?
Will you focus?
We're in a serious situation
here. What are we gonna do, you guys?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yeah.
What the...?
The big bills, underneath.
Give me the big bills.
best hot dogs in Philadelphia.
Once you nosh on these, you're
not gonna want to eat another
- hot dog after this.
- Might as well get some
- snacks while we're here.
- I'm getting a beer.
Don't grab a beer.
We're on our way to a bar,
which we own.
I'm gonna get a beer, too.
Are you serious?
Anyone else?
Yeah, I'll have a beer.
Of course I want a beer.
Yeah.
All right, well, I'm not
gonna be the only one not
drinking beer, so come on.
Don't move!
Oh, sh... Open
the register. Open it!
Oh, shit, oh, God, we're all
gonna die.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your
brains out!
What are we gonna do?
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll
blow your brains out!
What are we gonna do?
- I will shoot you in the teeth.
- Okay.
- Give me the money.
- Hey, bozo.
Walk away now, and I let you live...
or stick around and
repent for your sins.
You better step your ass back.
And you better say "cheese."
Huh?
Crisis averted.
Holy shit!
Mac, that was amazing!
Oh, my God.
Did you like my "say cheese"
line?
I didn't quite get that, if
I'm being honest.
Yeah, I was a little bit
confused by that as well.
It was a pun, 'cause I flung
cheese in his face, you know?
No, I got that, but... Yeah, but-but
that's not really a pun. No.
No, if you... if you had
taken his photograph, and then
you flung cheese in his face...
There it is.
...that would be a pun.
Yeah, you're taking the guy's
picture, you say, "Say cheese!"
That would've done it.
Should I go get a camera?
You know what?
Yeah, he's missing the point.
It doesn't matter.
What you just did was badass.
Oh, my God.
Now let's take a look at who
this scumbag is.
Oh, sh... oh, shit.
Yakuza.
Go, go!
Oh, shit!
Oh, my God.
Hyah!
Hyoh!
Mac, watch out!
Hah!
Yah!
Hyah!
- Very impressive. Your technique...
- is impeccable.
Cool off.
Yo, Mac, that was amazing.
And that's a great pun, dude.
You used the pun right!
Yeah, you got the pun right,
dude.
Huh?
What pun?
The... "Cool off" and you
kicked him in a fridge.
He's not getting it, is he?
No, he's not. Forget it.
Don't worry about it.
What is a pun?
You know, move past it.
I'll take his photograph.
No, no. What the hell is the matter with you?
Why would you do that?
I killed the boss. That's not the
boss, you idiot. He's my father!
He owns the store!
Whoops.
My bad.
Now, is your throat okay?
Is it... is that from the smoke,
or...?
Is that a pun?
Oh, my God, Mac!
No!
Mac, Mac, Mac. We're sorry for
doubting your awesomeness. Yeah.
I can't live without you.
Don't die.
I... don't... forgive you.
No!
No, no...
Why?
Why?
I love you!
Why?
I love you!
God?
Hello, Mac.
Those were some pretty sweet
moves.
Thank you, my Lord and Savior.
Won't you join me?
Is that seat for me?
You're goddamn right it is.
Oh, hey, Rex.
'Sup, bro?
So what do we do now?
Now we ignore everyone's
prayers.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your
brains out!
What are we gonna do?
Damn it, Dee, this is all
your fault.
What?
It's because of you.
How is this my fault?
It just is, you stupid bitch.
Guys, you thinking what I'm
thinking?
Let's sacrifice her.
What?
Sir, sir!
Please, take her, take her!
Have your way with the whore!
Oh. Let me blow these assholes away.
No, no, wait, wait, wait,
please, please!
Please, don't shoot my friends.
Listen, listen to me.
Just give me the gun, okay?
We'll work something out.
Just give me the gun.
Give it to me.
There you go.
Oh, Dee!
Dee did it!
You saved our lives!
You saved the day!
You're the hero.
I'll see you in hell, boners.
No witnesses.
I like your style.
We should team up. Us ladies need
to stick together. I tell you what.
I got your back.
For life.
She did it.
What?
You bitch!
You're dead!
You hear me?
Miss Reynolds?
We need to get you into the
witness protection program
immediately.
Let me ask.
Are you good at playing
characters?
Hello,
love, I'm the new butler.
Albert Covington's the name.
Is your mom about?
I'm sorry, their-their
mother's no longer with us.
Oh, well, then, it looks like
I've come at the right time.
Children, your chariot awaits.
Ah, Miss Sarah, ham and cheese,
no crust, just the way
you like it.
Ah, ah, ah!
Who slayed Achilles?
Uh, Paris, Hector's brother.
Well done, lad.
An extra treat for you.
Mr. Covington, have you seen
my...?
Briefcase, sir.
Oh, Mr. Covington.
You're the best, Mr.
Covington. How long are you staying with us?
Well, Sarah, something
tells me I'm gonna be here a
long time.
Why is that?
Your sweater's on backwards.
♪ Paper plates for nana
House is a mess
Life for a single parent
♪ Is full of stress
Makes you want to put a gun
In your mouth
♪ Or get real high But with a little
help I think we'll just get by. ♪
By now, everyone knows the
remarkable story of Dee
Reynolds, a government witness
whose turn as a British butler
was so convincing that it was
spun off into the highest rated
sitcom of all time.
Today she is here to talk with
us about her upcoming
blockbuster Mother Earth.
Tell us more about it.
Well, this time I play a very
beautiful woman.
Uh, a warrior princess who saves
the world.
It's already grossed over
$900 million in presale tickets,
but I don't care about that.
You know, I'm more interested in
exploring truth through
character.
Amazing.
Yes.
And I understand you've
recently become engaged to young
heartthrob crooner Josh Groban.
When I found out
that Mr. Covington was actually
a chick, yeah, I had to have
her.
I mean, look at her.
She's smart, she's sexy, she's
hilarious.
She pops.
He likes his ladies to pop.
That's true, Groban does like
his ladies to pop.
Isn't he cute?
Sing her that song
you wrote for me.
Which one?
The one you wrote for me.
Oh, God, put me on the spot.
It's great.
Oh, you're gonna love it!
♪ She's got blonde hair
She's perfect in every way
Feet not too large
♪ Not too small Blonde hair
She's gorgeous
♪ Not like a bird
But like a beautiful woman
Definitely not like a bird. ♪
Oh.
I love this man so much.
- Tell you what.
- I've got the
feeling we're gonna be together
a long time.
That's how babies are made.
But they didn't stay together
a long time, their marriage only
lasting a shocking 17 minutes
before Reynolds met a new man
whom she claimed she had
to have.
I'll shoot you in the teeth.
Give me the money!
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!
What are we gonna do?
Give me the money!
You're going about this all
wrong, friend. Oh, what the hell do you know?
More than you think.
A fisherman always spots another
fisherman from afar.
Hard candy?
Shit. Ah, ooh! I... I dares it...
I dar-dar-dar... A crammy hand...
A crammy handle bit.
A crammy handle bit aye.
Der.
I love you.
Oh, God!
I... am... God.
I think he's awake.
His eyes keep opening.
Ah, I don't know, man.
He looks weird.
Can he hear us?
No way.
His eggs are scrambled.
Mr. Reynolds, are you there?
Blink if you can understand me.
Where am I?
You were shot in the head
during an armed robbery.
The bullet narrowly missed your
brain stem and exited the back
of your skull.
Does-does my dick work?
No.
Your penis does not work.
Kill me.
Mr. Reynolds, Mr. Reynolds.
It's important that you maintain
a positive attitude.
Now, with a lot of hard
work and the support of your
friends...
Ah, it appears they've left.
Well, not to worry.
We have a top-notch
rehabilitation staff and they're
gonna do everything they can to
improve your quality of life.
In fact, here comes your nurse
now.
♪ Until now
I always got by on my own
I never really cared
Until I met you... ♪
Hello, Dennis.
...from the Channel Five News
weather team.
Once upon a time, yes.
But I left that to do something
more meaningful with my life.
Now, what do you say we get you
back on your feet?
The forecast calls for
sunshine.
Come on, come on, come on.
Yes.
More.
I can't do it.
That's it.
Use your strength.
That's right.
You're so strong.
That's it.
Good.
♪ And I just can't wait
till the day
When you knock on my door... ♪
Oh, I'm so proud of you, yes!
Oh, my God!
Yeah! ♪ Now, every time I go for the
mailbox Gotta hold myself down... ♪
Yes!
Yeah!
Ah, yes!
♪ 'Cause I just can't wait
Till you write me
You're coming around... ♪
Yes!
Yes.
Oh!
Yeah, Jackie.
Oh... This is so great.
I need to tell you something.
Okay.
I am in love with you!
♪ I'm walking on sunshine
Whoa... ♪
She's lucky to be alive.
She broke her arm, few ribs,
punctured a lung, shattered her
pelvis...
Compound fractures in both legs.
Her breasts?
Excuse me?
What about her breasts?
I'm afraid that they were,
um... obliterated.
Believe me, we did everything in
our power to try to save them,
but...
Now, look, she has a long,
difficult road ahead of her, but
you above all people should know
that anything is possible.
She is lucky to have you in her
life. Could you give us a moment, please?
Of course.
♪ I'm walking on sunshine Whoa
I'm walking on sunshine ♪ Whoa
I'm walking on sunshine
Whoa... ♪
♪ And don't it feel good Good All right...
♪ Rest easy, my angel.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your
brains out!
What are we gonna do?
Let's go, buddy.
Today!
Everybody stay calm.
I'll handle this.
What?
No, Frank. Hey, Stop it.
Frank, don't be...
Are you crazy?
Hey, what are you doing?
Hurry up.
Move faster, or I'll shoot you
in the face.
In the bag.
In the bag.
I'm gonna shoot you if you don't
move faster.
Let's go.
Okay...
I don't have all day.
- Come on.
- You're
surrounded.
Put your weapon down and come
out with your hands up.
You're gonna have to kill me!
All right,
send in the K-9.
Oh, get him off me!
Goddamn it, stop!
Whoa, easy, puppy.
All right,
it looks like the hostages are
dead.
Let him have it.
Mmm... I will shoot you in the teeth.
Give me the money.
Okay.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!
Waitress, no!
You dick.
Come on!
Oh, my God, Charlie, that was
so brave.
Anything for you, my love.
Charlie.
What are you doing, dude?
Huh?
Nothing. What are you doing?
Will you focus?
We're in a serious situation
here. What are we gonna do, you guys?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yeah.
What the...?
The big bills, underneath.
Give me the big bills.