It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 9 - The Gang Dines Out - full transcript

[ Laughter] [ Mac] Pretty
crowded tonight, huh?

[ Dennis ] Yeah, well, it's Gugino's, you
know-best restaurant in Philadelphia.

[ Mac] To our monthly dinner.

Monthly dinner, baby. I've been looking
forward to this for... 29 days.

Me too. I did my hair good,
and I wore two colognes.

Is that what that is?
Mm-hmm.

That was an interesting choice,
butlgetH, dude. You're excited.

You are excited about tonight. Hey,
hell, I'm excited tonight, you know?

♪♪ [ Latin 1

Not terribly excited about
being near the kitchen though.

Really?
It's where the action is.

Maybe we'll get lucky and watch
one of these dumb-ass waiters...

spill spaghetti sauce
all over himself.

Fall down or something.
Okay, all right.

Well, let's not be childish. Let's-
Let's keep it classy. You know, let's-

Classy. I can-I can do classy.
I can be classy.

Mm-hmm.

Did you invite
Frank and Charlie?

No, I didn't.

Hi.
Hi.

How many will you guys be? Two.
And give us a nice table.

Great.
This is a big night for us.

We're celebrating
our anniversary.

Or the anniversary of
us moving in together,

which is like an anniver-it's
been a long time.

It's an anniversary. That's what
it is, really. Well, great.

Uh-Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Uh-
Take that for yourself.

You can just hand that to me.

I was trying to feel your breast.
I got that.

Yeah, but he was trying
to feel your breast and

give you the tip so that
we got a good table.

I want a good table.
Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey!

Mac and Dennis are here.
Should we sit with them?

Really? Mmm, Charlie,
this is our night.

Yeah, but we could all celebrate
it together. That'd be fun.

We can do our thing.
They can do their thing.

I'm sure at some point they'll come over to
pay tribute. We can say hi to them then.

That's weird.
I know Charlie sees me,

but they seem to be sitting
at their own table.

[ Dennis ] Well, good. Good. They
should sit at their own table.

Look, I'm sure at some point they'll
come over and they'll pay tribute to us.

They know it's our monthly dinner.
We can say hi to them then.

[ Mac] Yeah. Still, seems
kind of awkward though.

No, no. Look, we spend
every waking minute together.

It'll be good for us to
keep our distance for once.

It's one minor coincidence.
Doesn't go any further than that.

Goddamn it.

♪♪ [ Speakers." Man Singing Opera ]
Of all the goddamn nights.

[ Dee] Can't believe they haven't
come over to pay me tribute yet.

I was here first.
I know they see me.

They're probably over there
right now making fun of me.

L9eTW, guys.

You know what they're doing?
They're calling me “Scarecrow.”

'Cause I'm all alone in the cornfields,
scaring away the other birds.

Real funny. You know what? There's
no shame in a woman, an adult woman,

taking herself out to dinner,
enjoying her own company.

I'm not gonna leave. I'm not gonna
leave because I don't have to,

and also I can't because I have a Groupon
for this evening that expires tonight.

It does expire tonight,
doesn't it?

Uh, yeah.

L- Yes, it does. I'm sorry.
Geez.

Are you going to order now? Well, I'm
trying to have a conversation with you.

Why don't you sit down for a
little while, take a break.

Oh! Are you almost off?
Are you off soon?

Should you sit and have dinner with
me tonight? No. Got a long shift.

Uh, I cannot do that.

Uh, maybe I could at least get a drink
order? We're really busy tonight.

Does the Groupon cover drinks?
Nope.

Just the tap water then.

[ Inhales]

I can't believe this.

They still haven't paid tribute.
It's been 10 minutes.

Not a wave, not a nod. Have you seen
them do anything to acknowledge us?

I thought we agreed that we would not let
it get to us. it's not getting to me.

It's just, you know, a little
bit rude is all I'm saying.

It's, you know, irritating.
Whatever. I don't care.

I'm-[ Sighs ] I'm over it.
Okay.

How good is their table though?

Oh. Um-Don't-Don't-Don't-
Don't look directly at them.

Jesus Christ. Just glance around the room
a little bit. You know, land on them.

Glance around the room?
Yeah.

Too obvious!

How do you want me
to look at them?

With your eyes. Just look with your eyes.
Be subtle. Be small.

My eyes, they slant down.
I don't have a good peripheral.

Just be-
Can you just be subtle?

It's a good table.
It's a good table.

- How'd they get a better table than us?
- I don't know.

Dennis, can we just focus on us?
Yeah.

It's our monthly dinner. Don't
let them ruin it. Yeah.

Okay? I have some issues
that I wanna talk to you-

Ah, shit. Really?

No, I-Look, let's-let's keep things
light. I don't wanna get all heavy.

Let's not let tonight become more
unpleasant than it's already become, okay?

I mean, already
I'm irritated. I'm-

I'm already sitting on the wobbliest
chair in the entire restaurant.

All right, we'll just ask the
waiter for a book of matches.

I don't wanna sit on a pile of matches.
I'll just scoot back.

It's fine. it's fine.
Oh, but now I feel like...

you're sitting
so far away from me.

It's gonna be fine.
Okay.

This is a perfectly suitable distance
for us to have our monthly dinner.

♪♪ [ Man Singing In Spanish ]
Goddamn it!

I am so sorry. [
Shouts ] Are you?

- His chair's wobbly.
- Oh. Okay.

Let me get you a book of
matches to put under there.

I don't wanna sit
on a pile of matches.

Dennis, it's not like your
chair's gonna catch on fire.

Oh, Christ, I'm not worried about
my chair catching on fire.

Look, sir, can you just get us
a better table in general?

Unfortunately, no. We're fully booked
tonight due to a Groupon deal.

Oh, that sounds excellent.
We'll have one of those.

No, we won't.
We don't need a coupon.

Frankly, I'm disappointed in you people.
This is Gugino's.

You're supposed to be the nicest
restaurant in Philadelphia.

Here I am, a regular,
a full-paying customer,

and I'm sat by the kitchen on the
wobbliest chair in Philadelphia,

you know, forced to eat dinner with
this swarm of coupon-waving trash.

This is crazy. You know what?
Forget it. Doesn't matter.

Get me a pile of matches to sit on.
That'll be fine.

Okay.
No, wait, wait, wait.

There's more.

There's an old, short,
fat man here.

He sat with his young
sleeping partner.

Bring them a glass of the
house red from us. Of course.

Although the table did just
order cocktails, so maybe-

I don't need their entire life story.
Just go get the wine.

Okay-

Well, that was a nice gesture.
Was it?

Charlie.
Hmm?

Stop looking over there.

Can we just go over and say
a quick hello, all right?

Then it's done with.
There's no more awkwardness.

Charlie, I am the oldest one
in the group.

If anybody's gonna say a quick
hello, it's them to me.

I just feel like it's gonna become a
bigger deal than it needs to be, you know?

Then forget it.

Yeah?
This is our night, Charlie.

All right.
Listen.

I prepared a few words
for the evening.

All right?
Okay.

All right. Charlie, I wanna
talk about where we are,

where we've been
and where we're going to be.

[ Chuckles ] Where are we going?
Don't interrupt.

Living with you has...
changed my life.

L-I used to be unaware-

- Hi. Sorry to bother you.
- What are you doing, man?

I'm in the middle of something here.
Get out of here.

Of course. I just wanted to deliver
a glass of our house red...

from the two gentlemen
near the kitchen. Beat it.

[ Charlie ] Well, great.

See, there's your tribute, Frank.
Awesome.

Now can we go over and
say a quick hello? No.

I'm in the middle of saying
some words to you.

Yeah, but you said 'em,
and they were weird, like-

How about I just stand and I bow?
No. Ignore them.

This is ridiculous. I mean,
that was a very nice gesture.

Was it? One glass of wine for
two people, and the house red?

That wasn't nice. They're
just trying to agitate us.

Hmm. Well, two can play
at that game.

Hey. Ooh, hey!

You, help.
Over here.

Me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you.
Please. Help.

Help me. Sit. Sit.
Please sit. Help.

Is everything okay?
No, everything's not okay.

There are men here,
and they're watching me.

Oh, shit! Shh! Just look at me.
Just look right at me.

Everything's gonna be fine, but I'm in a
lot of shit. Okay? So I need your help.

Oh, good.
You have a friend. Hi.

Can I take your order now? Yes.

I'm not with her. There is some
shit going down right now.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He's just-[Laughs]
Please, let's order.

Look, you told me
you was in trouble.

- I don't know what's happening here.
- No, it's okay, I'm fine.

Do you wanna split an appetizer?

No. I don't need this shit.

Wait. Well-Ow.

You know, if you just order, we can
get your food out really quickly...

and you wouldn't have to be embarrassed
about being here alone for very long.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I-I'm gonna go ahead and order...

when I'm goddamn
good and ready to order.

[ Laughing 1 Is that
table having a meal...

consisting only of loud
noise, screams and hollers?

Uh, they seem to be
celebrating something.

Oh, it could be a tactical victory.
What do you think?

Sure.
Whom Okay.

How's the chair now?
[Thumping ]

Still wobbly. Why don't you
just get me a new chair?

I don't think it's the chair.
You don't think it's the chair.

Well, maybe my old pal, uh,
Abraham Lincoln begs to differ.

Oh, okay, yeah, uh-
You can just hand it to me.

Hello.
Your waiter. Great.

Hi. Can you get him a
new chair, please?

Sure. Sure can.
Oh! Oh!

Maybe this George Washington
will make it come here faster.

Okay-

This wine is for you.

Ah. Management sent us
a bottle to accommodate us.

Actually, it was your friends
over at the other table.

And they wanted me to relay to you
that it's our most expensive bottle.

They said to say that.

That's a classy move.
I'm gonna stand up and bow.

No. Do not stand and bow.

Let me think. We've gotta
do something in return.

Okay- I'll tell you what.
[ Snickers ]

We'll send it back.
You know?

We'll say we don't want that.

We'll tell them that-what is it-
Chilean wine is out of season...

and that their taste in wine
in general is very poor.

No, that's-We got to be
more subtle than that.

I don't want them to know that
we're thinking about them.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Are you staring at them?

Yeah, dude. Charlie's
looking right at me.

[ Dennis ] Stop it.
Dude, stop it.

Stop looking-Stop-

All right, you know what? Goddamn it,
I'm just gonna pour the wine out.

Goddamn it! That son of a
bitch is pouring out my wine.

Look, can you just
let it go, Frank? Okay?

You're ruining this night
for me, okay?

I'm sure he had a perfectly good reason
for pouring out a glass of wine.

I wanna go over there.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Just like he had a perfectly good
reason for not inviting you to dinner.

He had a good-

Wait.
What do you mean by that?

[ Sighs ]
Don't make me say it, Charlie.

I know you're not as dumb
as you seem.

Well, let's just say that I am.

Those two guys don't give
a shit about you, Charlie.

You bought a business together.
They made you a janitor.

Th-They didn't make me a janitor.
There was a-

Hmm?
Oh, my God.

It's time to fire back.

[ Laughing 1

[ Dee] Aw, I gotta get over there.
[Waiter] Hi, ma'am.

Sorry to bug you again. Oh, my God.
I'll just take a plate of spaghetti.

Oh, great.
Didn't expect that.

Uh, actually, I was coming over to
see if I could take your chair.

What? No. What for? I'm trying to
accommodate that gentleman over there.

[ Dee] Oh, goddamn it.
Oh, that's a dig.

All right, fine. Take the chair.
But when

you're over there, tie
his shoelaces together.

You want me to... tie a
customer's shoelaces together?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I'm in the
biz, guy. I'm a waitress, okay?

Look, let's team up and stick it
to that guy. It'll be hilarious.

I would lose my job.
[Whining ]

“Oh, no.
I-l would lose my job,

and I wouldn't be able
to work at Gugino's anymore,

and my family,
they'd be so disappointed...

'cause they're currently
so proud of my accomplishments.”

I mean, God, lighten up, guy.
[ Laughing ]

I'm gonna take the chair.

Fine. Take the goddamn chair.
Just don't make a big scene.

[ Chair Squeaking ]

[Squeaking Continues]

How's the new chair? Oh, it's
terrible, Mac. Thank you for asking.

It might be worse
than the first one.

I mean, I cannot find a single flat
spot in this entire restaurant.

Maybe that's it.
♪♪ [Salsa]

Goddamn it!
This entire night is ruined.

Dude, Stop m Okay?

You're the one who's ruining this.
I am enjoying myself.

I'm enjoying our table. I'm trying
to start the conversations.

I wore two colognes.

Oh, I'm very aware of how much
cologne you're wearing, Mac.

It's overwhelming me.

Every time the goddamn kitchen
door opens, it wafts into my face.

Hey, I like the way I smell.
And I like me.

And I haven't even gotten to talk
about what I wanted to talk about,

which is an issue that has been weighing
on me, so I'm just gonna say it, okay?

[ Sighs ]

When I wanted to get the karaoke
machine for our apartment,

you laughed in my face.

That's what this is about? Yes.

The karaoke machine?
Mac, you can't sing.

It's not about singing!
Okay?

It's about you always putting me down.
And you know what?

I don't care. It doesn't matter.
I'm out of here.

Where you going?

[Sighs] I'm gonna go sit
with Frank and Charlie.

Do not go to them.
No, sit down. Sit.

Sit!

Say something nice to me.

What?

I'm not going to sit down until
you say something nice to me...

for once in your life.

[ Sighs ]

Your hair looks small.

Oh, for-
Okay, okay, okay, Mac.

All right, sit down.
Sit, please. Sit.

Please sit down.

Okay, listen. Listen.

You remember that night
at Dooley's pool party?

On that fine summer eve...

when I did that double jackknife
twist and blew everybody's tits off?

You remember that?

And then I went down on Chrissie Orlando
on the trampoline later that night?

You're just
complimenting yourself.

No, listen. I'm going
somewhere with this.

The only reason I was even able to attempt
that amazing feat of courage was...

because I knew if I failed,
you would-

[Glass Clinking ] [
Frank] Everybody.

Hello. All the patrons
of Gugino's, listen up.

- Hi, everybody.
- Frank Reynolds, Charlie Kelly.

We would like to make a toast.

Now, in front of you, you each
see, you have a glass of sambuca.

- Yeah. Okay. Everyone got it?
- You see this white, beautiful drink?

[ Charlie ] Yeah. Dude,
everybody has sambuca but us.

Now, we have
an American hero tonight.

So quick round of applause
for our troop here.

Nice-looking fella.

And to anyone who does not have a
glass of sambuca-Look around now.

You'll see them.
Those people refuse to drink.

[ Frank] Yeah. They don't
know how to pay tribute.

They hate America. They
hate the troops. Mmm.

They hate the people
who work hardest for them.

They turn them into janitors.
Mmm.

It's not right. Ah!

Damn 'em to hell.
To the troops!

[ Frank] To the troops!
[All ] Cheers!

To America!

Good job, fellas!
We did it!

♪♪ [ Piano: “Stars and Stripes Forever” ]

This is unbelievable, Mac.

I know, and they totally
ruined our heartfelt moment.

Now, there's a way we can get it
back if you just kind of jump-

No, you fool!
That time has passed.

Can't you see they're
humiliating us?

Just tell me what you were gonna tell me.
I'm not gonna stand for this.

Just-Dennis-Come on, man!
Goddamn it!

Ma'am?
Mm-hmm?

Please return to your table.

You know what?
I'm gonna sit next to the hero.

I used to date a troop.
He was crazy for jean shorts.

Attention.
Uh, attention, everyone, please.

If I could have your attention
momentarily. Thank you.

We do have an American hero
in the house tonight.

A strong man, a brave man.

He's the kind of man
who knows exactly who he is.

He doesn't hide under a toupee.

He faces his challenges instead of
just retreating to the sewers, nude,

to forage for rings and coins.

Or to the toilets.

Or to a life filled with rats.

He's the kind of man
who gives me the courage...

to do an amazing double
jackknife twist, which I did.

Most of you people wouldn't
even attempt that. I did it.

And to go down
on Chrissie Orlando...

on the trampoline later
on the very same night,

which I also did.

And I licked her asshole
a little bit.

It was pretty good.
It was all right.

It wasn't great,
but it was fine.

And I knew that it
was gonna be fine...

because this guy would be here
to catch me if I faltered.

Yeah. The world is a safer place
when he's around.

♪♪ [ Piano: Soft]

♪ Did you ever know
that you're my hero? ♪

♪ 'Cause you are the wind
beneath my wings ♪♪

Thank you. Thanks.

[ Scattered Applause ]

Wow, dude. I mean, that
was so touching. Oh.

That's an amazing thing
you said about the troop.

Now, can we get back to the karaoke
machine? I was talking about you.

That was about me? Yes. He wasn't there
when I went down on Chrissie Orlando.

I did not get that at all.
I'm so-

Dennis, that's really sweet.
Thank you. I'm sorry.

What is happening? Is it freezing
in here all of a sudden?

Yeah. And it's freezing. Air
is blowing directly on us.

What-
I mean, what has happened?

Those goddamn sons of bitches.
They turned up the A/C.

Because they knew we were
sitting right underneath a vent.

[ Fist Pounds Table ] They're
trying to freeze us out.

I didn't have your back before, but now
I'm gonna be the wind beneath your wings.

I'm gonna smash this
over their goddamn heads.

Yes, Mac. Yes! Yes!

And I'm gonna blast 'em
with this fire extinguisher.

Okay, I'll toss hot soup
in their faces.

I'll pinch their dicks with this lobster.
Let's do it.

What are you people doing?

Excuse me. Excuse me.
What are you people doing?

Oh!

[ Patrons Gasp]

Son a bitch!

[ Laughing 1

Hey, his shoelaces
are tied together.

- [ Charlie ] Oh, my God!
- Somebody tied his shoelaces together.

- [ Charlie ] His shoes are tied.
- SpaghettiO the waiter.

- I've wanted to see that all night long.
- [ Dennis ] Yes. Yes.

Oh, my God. Who do we
have to thank for this?

Who?

- Oops. - [ Frank]
Deandra did it?

- [ Charlie ] Dee did it!
- It was Dee!

- Have you been here this entire time?
- Yeah, the whole time.

Oh, great joke, Dee.
Great joke.

Oh, Dee. Classic.
Hey. Sa/uz'.

[ Frank] Sa/uz'. Sa/uz'.

Guys? Guys, I'm really hurt.

[Cackling ] [ Dennis
] Let's get a table.

I wanna hear some jokes
out of you tonight.

You guys gotta-Do you
wanna try this coat on?

It's gonna look good on you, man.
Pop that thing on.

[ Man ] ♪ Like you've
had too much wine ♪

♪ That's amore ♪

♪ Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling,
ting-a-ling-a-ling ♪

♪ And you 'll sing
“Vita bella” ♪

♪ Hearts will play
TiPPY-TiPPY-Tay, TiPPY-TiPPY-TEY ♪

♪ Like a gay tarantella ♪

♪ When the stars
make you drool ♪

♪ Just like
pasta fazool ♪

♪ That's amore ♪♪

[ Voices Speaking Backward]