It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 8 - The ANTI-Social Network - full transcript

I know,
but I can't believe I never even
noticed this place before.

I walk by it all the time.
How could you notice it?
There's no sign outside.

Yeah, what's up with that?
You think it like blew down
in a storm or something?

No. No storm. I think the owners
did it on purpose 'cause
they think it's cool.

- Yeah.
- They blew on their sign...

until it came off
'cause they thought
it was cool?

- I mean, who does that?
- No, no. Nobody blew anything.

Hey, Dee, how did you
find out about this place?

Somebody sent me a link
to their Facebook page.

Facebook...
That's why everybody's here.

What the hell is this?

- What?
- Is this water?

- No, it's gin.
- Oh!

Gin? I hate gin!
Get me a beer!

- Get me a beer!
- Get me a beer!
- Beer!

It's a gin bar.
All they have is gin.

Are you kidding me?
What?

You mean to tell me there's
this many people in this joint,
all they serve is gin?

The only reason that people
are here is because Facebook
tells them to come here.

This is the kind of shit
we need at Paddy's.
Paddy's has no Web presence.

- You are absolutely right.
- - The whole world is connected now.

It's all connected by Bill Gates
and that Rain Man, Zuckerberg.

He and his Jews have connected
the whole world, and now
they're toppling regimes.

And Egypt and Japan
and the Jews
are all peaceful together...

- I understand the spirit of what you're saying.
- Yeah.

Facebook is connecting
everyone these days... even
people in the Middle East.

That's what I'm saying.
Hell, and look people are
showing up to a bar...

that doesn't even have a sign,
and serves only one...

old-timey disgusting drink
that nobody likes.

Goddamn, I hate gin.
Dee, you bitch.

That's the thing.
This place has got
a good business model.

We have to emulate it.
That's absolutely right.

We have to get rid
of all the beer in Paddy's.

We have to blow the sign
off of the building.

You know, maybe I'll do
the blowing. That's fine.

Charlie, Charlie,
stop, stop, stop.

Do you think a human being
can blow a sign
off of a building?

- I didn't until Mac said it.
- I never said that.

A grown man cannot blow
a sign off of a building.

In Charlie's defense,
you could loosen the screws,
get up there and blow...

We are talking
about the Internet.

You cannot blow a sign...
You are derailing
the conversation.

Shh!

Ugh! Ew.

What the hell was that?

Okay, don't worry
about it, okay?
Guys, we gotta get on this.

He's absolutely right.
No distractions.

Paddy's needs to get connected.

Look at the Gin Bar's
Facebook page. They have
like 50,000 friends.

- Crazy.
- Links to Twitter viral videos.

Their Web presence is amazing.

- We could do
a viral video for Paddy's.
- Well, we can't afford not to.

That's right.
We'll do a really cool video...

of how we serve gin
in spaghetti cans
or something like that.

- And we take the sign down.
- Frank, you're getting hung up
on the wrong things.

The old booze and the no sign
have nothing to do with it.

Yeah, what kind of a douche bag
walks into a bar...

just 'cause it doesn't have
a sign outside of it? That's
stupid, Frank. Use your head.

But that's the most
important thing... exclusivity.

Weird drinks, no sign.
That's cool.

Maybe so, but I like...

Paddy's sign, so it stays up.
Yeah.

I got the sign down.

And there's no way a man could
have blown that off of our bar.
There's just no way.

- You're totally wrong about that, Mac.
- - Yeah.

- I never once said that!
- Did you not?

Okay, forget it. Forget it.
Charlie, we're doing a viral
video thing now, okay?

All right. Listen.
Can I stop all this
for one second?

I don't mean to derail us,
'cause this is very,
very important stuff,

but, um, I'm getting
a little hung up on something.

The guy that shushed us
last night...
Is that bugging anybody else?

I've been thinking
about that too.

Have you been
thinking about that?
I really have.

What are you talking...
You were in the middle of
telling Charlie to keep quiet.

I was telling him
to be quiet. I was
telling him to be quiet.

I tell everybody to be quiet.
I don't shush them
like they're animals.

I use my words.
Whatever. I'm gonna go get
the video camera.

Yeah.
Yes. Guys,

you're normally very excited
about making videos, all right?

Guys, let's just focus.
We have bigger fish to fry.
Yeah, let it go.

I can't let it go.
I can't let it go either.

I won't let it go.
I'm irritated by it.

I'm not gonna let it go.
Uh, yeah, but the viral video
thing is very important.

We'll get to that.
We'll pop a shush on the guy,
and we'll be right back.

- Let's... Yeah.
- You could just
find the guy on Facebook.

That's where you find people
these days.

You're not gonna find the guy
on Facebook. There's three
billion people on there.

Are you crazy?
Yeah, you don't even
know the guy's name.

- We don't know his name.
- Go on Facebook,
magically find a guy.

Facebook.

Found him.
Really?

Yeah. He was friends
with the Gin Bar.
Holy shit.

- Yeah, that's him.
- That's him.

Facebook is amazing.
We are all connected.
Right? Okay.

We're all connected.
Yeah, we're connected.
So let's get back to business.

Uh, viral video.
Yeah, but now that
I'm seeing his face...

Mm-hmm.
I gotta be honest.

It was very annoying
last night when he did that.
It pissed me off. Right?

Maybe we can just, you know,
send him a friend request
and then...

Yeah, see if he responds...
Then we'll get back
to what we were doing.

- Okay, yeah. Distracted.
- All right. Did he respond?

Not yet.
How long does it
usually take?

Oh, you know, it depends on
if he's online or not. Refresh.
Refresh.

No.
No. What if
you hit it faster?

I mean, here's the problem
with, like,
Facebook and Twitter.

You know, everyone says,
oh, it's changing the world,
but not in a good way, you know.

We're not connected
with each other anymore.

Tweeting... that's not having
a conversation. What is that?

No, no.
And then these people
who do that shit...

They hear you having
a real conversation with your
real buddies, your real pals,

and they get all
jealous and pissed off,
and they want to shush you.

Yeah, right.
And you know what else
is bugging me about this guy?

I cannot get past the fact
that we're perfect strangers.

He doesn't know me. I mean,
for all this guy knows,

I'm a psychopath with a trunk
full of chain saws, right?

He shushes me
'cause he doesn't like
the volume of my conversation,

next thing he knows
he's chopped to bits in
a basement somewhere, you know.

Was that worth it?
No. And I could be a man
with a fist full of hammers...

Right.
and a trunk full
of duct tape and zip ties.

This guy doesn't know me.
Is he crazy?

It's very upsetting to me
that he didn't consider
any of that.

Yeah, well, this is not
a considerate man, Charlie.
This is a rude man,

and they are very seldom
the same people.
Yeah.

Uh, sir.
Yeah.

Can we get you
for a second? We've got a...

- What can I get for you guys?
- Well, we're looking for a man.

Um, yeah. This guy
was a real douche bag.

He was in here
the other night. Uh...
Yeah, douchey looking.

Kind of douchey.
Yeah. I wish I had a picture
of the guy, but we don't. Um...

Oh, he's a shusher.
Oh, yes. Right.

This is a douche bag
who goes around shushing people
that he doesn't even know.

Yeah, people
who could have chain saws.
Or hammers.

I mean, is any of this
ringing a bell to you?

No. Sorry, but I don't really
see what the big deal is.

The big deal.
You don't even see
what the big deal is?

The big deal, sir,
is that a grown man shushed me
and my friend here.

We demand satisfaction
from this person, okay?

We gotta find this guy
because we have
important shit...

that we're trying to do
on the Internet, or whatever.

We have much bigger
things going on.
The sign is down, okay?

The sign is down.
He took our sign down.

It's never been down.
You see what I'm saying?

- No.
- I'm getting frustrated.

I'm also very frustrated.
Look. How would you
like to be shushed?

I don't think I'd care.

- Shh! How'd that feel?
- I mean,
I was finished speaking.

Well, shh to you!

- Again, I was done, so...
- Well, you're speaking
too fast.

Stop speaking
in such short sentences.

Then we can shush you
in the middle and you'll know
how it feels.

Okay, do you guys
want a drink, or what?
Yeah.

Yeah, we want drinks.
Absolutely.

- Okay, so two house specials?
- Shh!

- Specials. Yeah.
- Yeah, two house specials.

Got interrupted.
How'd that feel?

On your way.

I think you got him
with that one though.

I don't exactly
feel good about it.

No.
But he had to know how it feels.

Yeah, but you nailed him.
Thanks, man.

Hey, you know,

I think I know
how we can get a picture
of this shusher guy.

What you thinking?

Refresh.

Goddamn it.
Why won't this guy
be our friend?

It's like an online shush.
You know, I...

Okay, Paddy's Pub has
over 30 friends at this point.

Why will this guy
not accept our friend request?
He's too good for us?

Don't complain.
Just hit refresh again.
You son of a bitch!

Refresh.

Ha! I got
the video camera!

All right. Mac,
say "I got infected."

- What?
- Say it!

I got infected.
Get that away from me.

Deandra, okay, now here you go.

Say "I got the bug."
No, I'm busy, Frank.

Say "Bug."
Bug!

- What are you doing?
I'm shooting the virus thing.

- What virus thing?
- The virus thing...

that you guys said we were
gonna infect all our friends
on Facebook or whatever.

Oh! We got him!
We got him?

We got you, Dylan Toback!
You giant douche!

Are you guys gonna help me
do the virus thing, or what?
We're busy right now, Frank.

Yeah, we're doing the shushing
thing first, Frank.

But you said the virus video
was the most important thing.

No, no. No.
We said the viral video
is very important,

and it is very important,
but we're on to this now.
You know, we'll do it later.

Why don't you get it started
and then we'll come and fix
what you did, okay?

All right, but hurry up.
Oh, check out these updates.

"I am a man-whore.
I hate women.
I am a liar."

He admits
that he is a liar.
Son of a bitch!

Uh, looks like
he is shopping for a silk sash
at Tootie's, on South Street.

A silk sash at Tootie's?

What an asshole.
Hmm.

Okay. Daddy got a new plan.
Mm-hmm.

Daddy got a new plan.
Let's head down to Tootie's,

and we'll fire a shush
right in his face.

We'll shush him real quick.
But we won't tell Dennis and
Charlie, 'cause they mocked us.

Eventually we'll
tell them though, right?

We won't tell them
right now, but we'll come back,
and we'll jam it in their faces.

Face!
Yeah, once we shush him.
Okay, let's go.

Okay.
Great idea.
Great idea!

I want to make sure
you got the nose right though.

That's the most important
part to me, because
it was an annoying nose.

It was a nose that
you wanted to smack.

Then give him, like,
almond eyes if you...

You've already said that.
And don't compliment
the man.

It's not a compliment from me,
'cause I don't like people
with almond eyes.

I find it creepy.
All right. Can we just
take a look at the drawing?

Because we kinda
need to get out of here.

You've done an excellent job.

Really good. Wow!

And what is your technique, sir?
Because I want to learn that.
That is...

You know, the only thing
that would help this, is if
you had him do this gesture...

Oh, my God.
Because when the man
assaulted us...

Mr. Reynolds, Mr. Kelly,
I'm Detective Larson.

I'm gonna need to
clear something up
on your report here.

We're good, actually,
'cause we got...
Yeah, we're good.

It says here this was
filed as an assault,

but the only thing
that you're claiming was
that this man shushed you?

Yeah.

Yeah.
But it was an assault.

Shushing somebody
is not an assault.

There was more to it than...
He... Yeah... It wasn't
just shushing though.

Yeah...
And the reason
it was an assault...

was because he was shushing
our cries for help.

Right.
This guy was raping us...

- Well... Wha...
- He was raping you?

Yeah.
Well, yeah.

- Yeah.
- The both of you?

No. You can't rape
two guys.
No.

No, no, no.
I wouldn't even
necessarily classify it...

You know what happened
was that he only raped
my friend here.

I actually
shook him off in time.

The guy never quite
made it inside of me,
but my friend here... Yeah.

So he was only raping you?

Yeah.
Yep.

Yeah.
He, like, really, kinda made
soup of your insides...

No. No, no, no.
He barely made it in there,
so, trust me, I'm fine.

- Yeah, but he bit his dick.
- Not... What?

No, he did...

He... He...

The reason we were
gonna file it as a rape...

was because he did make it
inside me, but,
like, just barely.

And the guy was super-small,
so I'm fine.

And then I did get away.

Well, don't-don't write
any of this down.
Look. Can we just drop the case?

Yeah!
Right?

We don't need to...
We just need the drawing.

I didn't even think about that,
because if we have the drawing,
we can find the guy.

We can dole out the justice...
And then this never needs
to go in any files anywhere.

If you and Mr. Reynolds
are filing a false
police report,

there's no way in hell
you're getting out of here
with that drawing.

All right, Charlie.

I got another plan.

- How's that?
- That's perfect.

That looks exactly like him.
Yeah, I mean, he wasn't
in a dune buggy,

and he didn't have...
No, he was not.

A propeller on his head.
I like the shushing though.

You nailed the shushing!

Tootie's. Tootie's.
This is it.

Ew!

Is that him?
That's him.

- That is him.
- Let's do this.

Hey, Dylan Toback.

Shh!
Shh!

Oh. Hey.

Sorry about that, ma'am.
Hi, ma'am.

Uh, we thought you were
this guy, Dylan Toback.
He shushed us, and...

We were gonna
shush him back. Yeah.
Yeah.

We didn't think
you were a man, per se...
I did.

Okay, I did too.
I did because of your hair.

Here's why. It's the hair,
and it's the cardigan,
and it's the build...

Yeah, and it's the way
you stand. Broad shoulders.
But that's okay. That's okay.

There's nothing
you can do about that.

Have a nice day.
I'm still confused.

I'm very confused.
It's sort of
a transgender situation.

Are you guys
looking for Dylan Toback?
Yes.

Yeah. Do you know him?
He posted on Facebook
that he was here.

Well, can you guys
keep a secret?

No!
Ye... Yes.

Yes, I can... Yes, yes.
Yes, yes.

That wasn't him. It was me.
I started a Facebook page
to get back at him.

I'm his ex-girlfriend,
and he was the worst.

He was always like,
"Sally, send me money."

"Sally, mail me hair."

- Mail him hair?
- Weird, right?

Yeah. And then he posted a bunch
of naked pics of me online,
and that was the last straw.

Oh, my God!
That's disgusting.

I know.
Naked pics online? Where?
Where did he post those?

I don't know.
One of those disgusting
ex-girlfriend porno sites.

Oh, those disgusting
ex-girlfriend porno sites.

I mean, there's so many
of them though. Which one?
Which one did he post it on?

- Do you know
where we can find him?
- Oh, I can give you his address.

- I don't give a shit.
- Really?
- Great! Great!

Also, put down one of
the sites that was...

Listen. Do you want to
come with us and maybe
get some payback?

That's... Well...

Here's the thing.
He's never actually met me.

Well, the pics I sent
were a little more...

flattering than I actually am,
and so we just sort of
had this online relationship.

- Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- But the hair I mailed
was mine.

- That was real.
- Okay, you know what? This
chick is douchier than Dylan.

Let's get out of here.
Yeah.

No, I'm not even gonna look
for those nude photos.

I might.
I might though. I might.

Come on, man.
This guy's been in here.

He's got the annoying nose
that you wanted to smack.

Evil almond eyes.

I'm sorry, guys. I've never
seen a cartoon character in here
shushing people before.

Well, he wasn't
in a dune buggy.
Yeah.

Look. Use your imagination.
Yeah, he's not
a cartoon character, okay?

Would you just
take this seriously?

I don't see how I could
take this seriously.

He's not helping.

No.
He's not gonna be a help to us.

You're just gonna be
difficult, so go get us
more gin drinks.

That's-That's all
you're good for.
More of the gin.

God. All right.
Here's what I'm gonna do,
Charlie.

I'm gonna write
"Rude man who shushes...
please call" at the top,

and then, at the bottom,
I'll put my phone number.
Right.

Right? Then we'll make
a shitload of copies,

we'll put them up all over
town, and it'll act like
a wanted poster.

Okay, wait. So you want
the rude man to call you?

No, I want people
to call me
about the rude man.

- But if the rude man calls me...
- that works too.

That works too!
All right.
That's gonna work.

Hold on a second. You're cool
just putting your personal
information out there?

Yeah! I'm absolutely cool
with that, man, because
I'm saying "Connect with me."

That's what we're talking
about. People just don't
connect these days.

I'm saying,
"Call me. Let's have
a phone conversation."

Yeah, don't tweet.
Don't just tweet me.
Don't shush me.

You know, let's connect.
Let's have a connection,
you know.

Don't be rude.
Let's talk about rude people.

Let's talk about people
who do rude things,
you know.

Mm-hmm.
I guarantee you,
people will respect this.

Okay, one little roadblock.
No big deal.

But let's shush this guy and
get out of here, because it's
starting to get complicated.

Yeah. And what was happening
back there? Sending
nude pictures of yourself?

That's just stupid,
and that's desperate.
Yeah, and hair?

I mean, sending hair...
That's just demented.

Well, the hair I don't
really have a problem with.
What are you talking about?

What is the point of that?
You send your hair to a guy,

and, you know, you just
give that guy a sense of you
and your smells and...

Oh, oh! Shh!
Shh!

Okay. Come on.
Goddamn it!

We're looking for
Dylan Toback.
Is he around?

Oh, Lord.

I knew this day
would come.
Um, come in.

Okay, but listen. We don't
have a lot of time, okay?

Um, a few months ago,
my daughter Jamela bought me...

this brand-new computer,
and she put it right here.

- Speed up, speed up, speed up!
- Okay. So, ever since Jerry
got put on life support...

- I have nothing but time...
- Whoa! Slow down,
slow down, slow down!

- Ew. I didn't see him there.
- I've had nothing but time
on my hands.

And I've been so lonely,
you know.

Okay, well, does any of this
have anything to do
with Dylan Toback?

- Oh, why is she doing that?
- Um,

I am Dylan Toback.

No. No. No.
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
No, you're not.

Don't say that.
We don't have time
for that, okay?

Is anybody online the person
who they say that they are?

Okay, do you know how to find
the real Dylan Toback?

Well, what I'm saying
is he doesn't exist.

I made up the name Dylan Toback.

I've made up dozens of names.
I'm really good at it.

My real name is Catfish!

What the hell
is happening here?
Here's what I gather.

I think she went on
the Gin Bar's Web site,

found a picture of that guy
and then made up a whole name
and personality for him.

So we don't know
the guy's name.
No.

We don't even know
if he's on Facebook.
Nope.

How the hell are
we gonna find him?
I don't know.

Well, how did you find me?

Was it that Sally?
Because that bitch
been getting on my nerves.

- So you know Sally?
- Oh, well, Dylan knows Sally.

No, he doesn't,
'cause Dylan isn't real!
And you know what?

Sally isn't Sally anymore.
Sally is now Dylan.

Yeah! And what about
the nude photos?

- This is not about
the nude photos, Mac.
- Shh! Shh!

Don't you shush me!
Don't you shush us,
goddamn it!

- Don't disturb Jerry!
- Disturb Jerry? I'm disturbed!
He should be disturbed!

This whole thing is disturbing.
If you shush me one more time,
I will put you in the ground.

Do you hear me?
You know what? Dee!
We're losing focus.

Let's just get back
to the bar. We'll find
the nude photos there.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Let's focus on the...
- Well, hold on.

Don't you want your hair back?

- Is that your hair, Dee?
- Oh, come on.

- You're Carl Lundegard?
- Yeah.

What is the problem?
Are we not putting these
in the right part of town?

We put them
in every part of town.

I know.
Ooh, ooh. Here we go.

Here we go. Okay.
Come on.

- Hello?
- - I saw that guy you were looking for.

You did? Oh, that's great.
Okay, can you tell us
where exactly the...

Shh!
Uh, no. Oh, you do not!

Oh! You...
He shushed me.

Another one?
Yes, another shusher
shushing me on the phone.

All right.
Maybe the poster is
the problem because it says...

"Rude man who shushes...
please call"...
Right.

So rude men are calling
just to shush you.

To shush me.
This is prank calls.

Am I gonna have to change
my phone number? That's
a pain in the ass.

You never want to put
your personal information
out there in the world.

Yo!
People abuse it.

- You find the guy?
- No!

He's unfindable.
We just hit a bunch
of dead ends.

- The guy is a ghost.
- I know! We tried to
track him down on Facebook,

but it got very strange.

Like, it was just a bunch
of girls pretending to be boys,

and Dee banged
a fat old black lady,

and then sent her hair.
That's not...
All right.

Hey! I did the video,
and I sent it to all of
Paddy's Facebook friends.

You did?
Yep.

Frank to the rescue.
Oh, ho!
Frank saves the day.

All right.
Good work, Frank.

Nice.
Let's check out
what you got here.

♪♪ Welcome to Paddy's Pub,

the oldest pub in America.

Well, that's not true.
Right.

- No, I lied. Everybody lies
on the Internet.
- He's right.

Everybody out there is lying
to get what they want.
Why can't we?

Totally.

We have a variety of old liquors
served in strange containers.

We are packed with
celebrities... the fun ones.

We also have cockfights
and strippers.

And guess what.

We don't have a sign,
so good luck finding the place.

But if you do, you'll be lucky,

'cause we also got donkey shows,

Mötley Crüe and cake.

Awesome. Awesome.
Okay, okay.

Okay.
That's awesome.

That is awesome.
Frank!
I gotta hand it to you.

I think I would go to this bar.
I would definitely
go to that bar.

This is the best part,
coming up.

So spread the word
to all of your friends.

At Paddy's Pub,
you're guaranteed to catch a...

Virus!

Just ask this guy.

I got infected.
Get it away from me.

- Or her.
- No, I'm busy.

She looks like she caught the...

Bug!

So spread this video
to all of your friends,

because it's a computer virus.

Virus!

Take it from me.

I am a doctor.

Dr. Toboggan.

Mantis Toboggan.

What?
You sent that to all of
our Facebook friends?

Yeah!

They're gonna think they have
a computer virus, Frank.

Wait.
You're the ones who said
we needed the virus video.

I said a viral video,
Frank. Goddamn it.

Goddamn it!
Oh, my God. We never should've
left him in charge.

The problem is we got
focused on the guy.

We didn't help him with his...
This whole thing
is a total mess.

I mean, absolutely nothing good
has come of today.

- No, we wasted all of our time.
- Excuse me.

This is a bar, right?

We noticed you guys
didn't have a sign
out front.

Thought that was pretty cool.

You guys open?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes. We are.

Charlie, lock the door.

Come on in.
Oh!

English - US - Line 21