It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 6 - The Storm of the Century - full transcript

We are
looking at one of the most

powerful storm systems ever to hit
the Philadelphia area, folks.

As the hurricane moves up the
East Coast, we're already

starting to feel its impact with
heavy winds, and everyone is

bracing themselves for
torrential rainfall.

Oh, my God.

I've never seen
anything of this magnitude.

I can't believe how
severe this is.

They get bigger
and bigger every year.

We're expecting
20 to 30 inches.

Philadelphia,
this is dangerous.

Stay indoors and be safe.

Well, I, for one, would like to
meet this Jackie Denardo and

see if her breasts are
as staggering in person.

Guys, maybe we
should get a 3-D TV.

The breasts are only going to
keep getting bigger, and we need

the latest technology
to keep up.

Are you
guys kidding me?

You're focused on boobies at a
time when a massive storm is

about to hit Philadelphia?

It's a hurricane
we're talking about.

Oh, she's talking about it and,
you know, we're sort of

listening and we're
enjoying her breasts.

Just let us have this.

The breasts make you care about the
weather in a really good way, not...

Guys, maybe she's right.

I mean, maybe we are too focused
on this woman's breasts.

Switch it to the
other news channel.

Amigos, tenemos... Ho!

Whoo!

Cha, cha, cha.

Oh, man, it's internacional.

It's on every channel.

These are the breasts
we should focus on.

Hello, 'sup?

'Sup?

'Sup?

'Sup?

What are you wearing?

Oh, I got all riled up by the
weather report and ain't a drop

of rain out there, so I put this
old trash bag on to keep myself

protected.

Yeah, you did it
for nothing, huh?

Yeah, it's media hype hyping up
the storm, making people all

nervous about it.

I don't know, Frank, I don't
think this is hype 'cause

they're calling it the
storm of the century.

Well, I'll tell you what, Dee,
um, because you might be

right, I think it's worth
switching over to the other

channel because I feel like the
coverage was a little bit more extensive.

As you can see behind me...
Ho, look at that!

Oh, come on!

Yeah.

I'm broadcasting to you live
from the All American Home

Center where shoppers are facing
long lines to buy supplies for

the hurricane expected...
They're talking about evacuating the city.

Guys, maybe this is more
serious than we thought.

Yeah, it's serious, it's
a category five storm.

We've got to get ready.

Oh, shit.

Dude, maybe the
Mexicans were right.

What are you talking about?

The Mexicans predicted that the
world was going to end in 2012.

That was the Mayans, dude.

Mayans, Mexicans--
what's the difference?

One difference is that
the Mayans are extinct.

Yeah, the Mexicans
killed the Mayans.

No, the Spaniards banged the
Mayans, turned 'em into Mexicans.

Oh, guys, this
doesn't look good.

Okay, we're now getting
unconfirmed reports of sporadic

looting in cities
along the East Coast.

People are looting now?

Come on.

Ah, it's the media.

They hype the storm,
they hype the looting.

It's all for ratings.

Whatever.

Either way, I think we should
head up to higher ground, you

know, go to the Poconos.

No, you don't want to
go up in the mountains.

Are you crazy?

That's just putting you
closer to the storm.

You want to go low,
low as can be.

All right, you know what?

We got to stop pussydicking
around here, okay?

It's time to get in the bunker.

Bunker, what bunker?

Yeah, we, uh, we converted this
old storage closet into a

place where we could
ride out Y2K.

Ha, Y2K-- perfect example of how
the press hypes everything

to no end and nothing happens.

Well, we know that now, Frank, but
back then we were pretty scared.

Yeah, but why were we so scared?

Well, Dee got us all worked up
about the computers taking

over mankind and then she
had us build this bunker.

Yeah, robopocalypse-- machines
communicating with each

other and conspiring to
destroy the human race.

That is complete
nonsense, Deandra.

Is it nonsense?

Is it nonsense, or is it
nonsense that we rely solely on

computers to run every
aspect of our lives, huh?

Hysterical, she's hysterical.

Calm down, Dee.

Here, come check
out the bunker.

It's pretty cool.

What the hell?

What the hell happened
to the bunker?

We, uh, we raided the
bunker directly after Y2K.

Well, now it's empty, now there's
nothing in here for us to use.

And why is there a condom
wrapper on the floor?

Uh, you've probably been
banging in the bunker, right?

Guilty.

I've been watching
him bang in here.

Have you?

Weird, weird.

The bunker is for emergencies.

This is not a joke.

Yeah, well, whatever, you know.

Yeah, that's an
emergency, I guess.

I see that somebody's also been
eating a lot of your weird

canned foods and
sardines, Charlie.

Yeah, where's all my...?

Yeah, well, he was probably down
here with Mac, watching you

rape girls and
eating pickled eggs.

I don't rape girls, come on.

Yeah, and I don't eat that many pickled eggs, but...
Well, you know what?

Let's stock up on some more
pickled eggs down here, though.

That's a good idea.

Let's go to the All
American Home store.

We can get all of
our supplies there.

The All American?

Yeah.

That's the place with the weather...
Yeah.

Let's go there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's go there.

Wait, you're gonna actually go
where the media is advertising?

Oh, come on, Frank, it's not like
we've never been to the All

American Home Center before.

It's in our minds, you know,
and she's in my mind.

Let's go there, it's settled.

Right, I know, but first we
need to board up windows, so,

Frank, you help me with this
plywood and you guys can each

grab a box over there and then we'll...
And they have left, they have left now.

I'm only still here 'cause
I'm not as quick as them.

Is that a pickled egg?

No, it's an egg I
brought from home.

Attention, all All American
Home Center shoppers...

People seem pretty amped up.

We should get our supplies
before they sell out.

Yeah, for sure, you know, we
should come up with a plan and

we should divide up.

Oh, my God.

Oh, they're spectacular.

Imagine that image in 3-D.

Oh, baby.

Yeah, my God.

Guys, I'm telling you, we should
get one of these 3-D TVs.

Yeah, totally, but
not now, okay?

We can't spend our
money on a 3-D TV.

Right, right, all right, we got
to get the supplies, head up

to the Poconos ASAP.

Come on.

I don't know, I mean,
let's think about this.

I mean, for all we know, it
could be the end of days.

No, it's not the end of days.

I don't want to go uphill.

Guys, it's not the end of days.

Calm down, it's
just a storm, okay?

We-We'll get some batteries,
we'll get some supplies.

Food, we'll get food.

Yeah, we'll get food.

Okay, but I feel like you
did-- you didn't say food.

Yeah, we'll get food, okay?

Jesus Christ.

Relax.

Okay, yeah, I'm,
I'm getting crazy.

All right, I'll get the food.

Yeah-- oh, my God.

You guys get the supplies.

Okay, we'll get the supplies.

Okay.

Okay, give us the cash because...
No, no, it's-- I have Frank's credit card.

You take the cash.

You got the cash, we got
the credit card, let's go.

Hey, you know what
I was thinking?

In addition to supplies, might
be nice to grab some girls, you

know, get them back to the bar.

This Jackie Denardo chick-- she's,
uh, sparked another storm

inside me if you
know what I mean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Might be nice to ride the
storm out with some chicks.

Yeah, yeah, and we could use 'em to
repopulate the planet or something.

That'll be great to have them.

I'm not going to entertain
this notion anymore.

I don't want to hear it.

Okay, I'd at least like to find
one, like, Mexican or Mayan

or something for predictions.

No, but get some
batteries, though.

You be the battery guy and I'll
be the, the chicks and tits guy.

All right.

Frank!

Frank, you want to come
help me do this or what?

No, come over here.
I want you to see this.

Frank...
Come on, check this out.

At any moment, hoards of maniacs could
come pouring through the windows.

This doesn't concern you?

Come on, Deandra.

Please come over here and
sit down, look at this.

Oh! What?

You remember years ago there
was a storm in New Orleans?

Hurricane Katrina?

- Yes.
- Yeah, I remember it. Mm-hmm.

Okay, check this out.

What do you think those people
are doing, surviving or looting?

They're surviving.

Ah. Okay.

Do you remember a man
named Rodney King?

Yes, of course I do.

Okay, the LAPD worked
him over really good.

Yes.

Okay. This was taken during
the Rodney King riots.

What do you think these people
are doing, looting or surviving?

Well, they're looting.

Ah, of course.

Well, it's the media, see?

When it's white people, it's
survival, and when it's black

people, it's looting.

No, Frank, it's because the white
people are stealing bread,

and the black people
are stealing speakers.

If the white people were
stealing stereo equipment, I

would say they
were looting, too.

How do you know the blacks don't
have bread in those speakers?

What are you talking about?

What are we talking
about right now?

There are big things to do.

Oh, okay, all right, listen,
listen, listen, okay, calm down.

This is the best part.

More?

Oh, yeah, just check this out.

This was taken
during the riots.

Do you recognize
anybody in there?

What are you doing in the video?

I happened to be out in L.A.
during the riots.

I was on business.

And to steal ski
equipment, I guess.

Yeah, well, I went in for a loaf
of bread, I took some skis.

Everybody's happy.

Not the people who own the skis.

Oh, shit.

All right, all right, calm...
Oh, my God, the power went out!

Calm down.

This is terrible!

We got to get at...

Jesus! Goddamn it.

That's why I like to have
this little baby with me.

Come on. I'm go...
All right, let's go to the bunker... bunker.

You come with me.

Yeah, go first. Don't.

Just be careful with that.

We're gonna call it
a hurricane party.

It's gonna be cool.

It's gonna be awesome, yeah.

What's a hurricane party?

A hurricane party's exactly
what it sounds like.

It's a party during a hurricane
at our bar, Paddy's Pub.

Oh, I've heard of that bar.

Yeah?

Hey! Hello!

All right, all right! Hi.

Crazy, crazy weather
coming our way.

Yeah. Yeah.

You trying to get these girls
down to the bunker, or...?

Oh, no, I'm inviting them back
to our very cool bar we own.

Oh, cool, cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we got a
sweet bunker, too.

Yeah, well... It's, like, so secure,
people can't get in or out if we don't

want 'em to.

We'll be, like, totally
safe down there.

Yeah.

I got a bunch of supplies.

You guys like pickled eggs?

Sardines, too... Yeah, we got a bunch
of other, you know, normal food and

normal stuff there, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a great bar.

Gonna be free drinks for
everybody, so you know, you'll

come, you'll party with us, and you can
bring your girlfriends, too, you know?

Sure.

We don't want
just the two of you.

You got to bring
your girlfriends.

That's a requirement.

Sounds like fun.

Can our boyfriends come, too?

Oh.

Your boyfriends?

Yeah, our boyfriends.

You two have boyfriends?

How did you not know...
that the reason I invited you back to my bar...

was to bang you?

Get out of here!

Get the hell out of here!

Get... Get out of here!

Shoo away from me!

You're a dick.

You're a dick.

She's a... I'm not a dick. Oh!

It's okay.

Take it easy, all right?

What was that?

That was too dark.

They lied to me.

Oh, okay, well, just
let it go, all right?

If you want to entice these
ladies, you got to talk about

the bunker, you got to
lead with the bunker...

No. You end with the bunker,
or you don't talk about the bunker at all.

Are you kidding me?

What are you wearing?

Dude, they have
amazing stuff here.

I'm totally prepared.

Check this out.

How sweet is that?

Dude... No, drop the...
Are you kidding me?

You think girls are gonna want to
come back to a bar with a man

dressed the way you're dressed
and carrying a hatchet?

Yeah. They're gonna be, like,
"Look at this sweet dude, his

awesome gear and his
awesome hatchet.

He's prepared, he's
ready for anything.

Storm coming? Hatchet coming."

Dude, I have an idea.

I'm gonna go to the
office section.

Meet me in the office section.

Okay. All right, good.

I'll find Mac, 'cause we got
to get out of here, man.

Okay, yeah, no, no.

Um, let's loose the hatchet.

Come on, man. The...
I got another hatchet.

Don't you worry about that.

Dark as shit in here.

It's very creepy.

Let's just get to the bunker.

What was that? Was that a rat?

It was a looter.
Loot... Behind us.

Oh, a looter! Looter! Shoot him!

No, don't shoot! It's Cricket!

Ooh, no!

Cricket.

Oh, what are you doing
down here, Cricket?

I come down the
bunker sometimes when it rains.

Oh, we got to get him
to the hospital.

No, I ain't going
to no hospital.

They euthanize the homeless.

They're goddamned death mps!

You got no hand, Cricket.

I have a hand, Frank.

It's-It's a little...
I have a hole in it. Big deal.

Oh, Frank, I'm gonna
be honest with you.

I don't really want to go to the
hospital, either, you know,

because we're gonna be there
when the hurricane hits, and

it's gonna be packed to
the gills with vagrants.

Are you out of your mind?!

This man is bleeding
to death here.

Well, okay, oh, you
know what we could do?

We could dress him up and take
him upstairs, and then the

looters would think he's the
owner of the bar, and they'd

have their way with him, and if
he died, you know, it's on them,

and-and not on us.

That-That's good.

Let's just do that.

Don't listen to him!

He's delirious!

You're bleeding out, Cricket!

It's nothing...
Frank, this is nothing.

Goddamn it!

All right, Cricket, all right, fine,
we'll go, we'll go to the hospital.

Frank, we are coming right back
here after we drop him off, to

be where we are safe in the
bunker where we belong, okay?

Let's go!

Okay, get out.

You're marching me to the ovens.

Dennis!

There you are, dude.

Dude, things are getting
kind of bad in here, man.

Like, people are all
worked up, right?

I'm been trying to find Mac.

He's not answering
my phone calls.

I went out to the parking lot to
see if he was out there hiding

out in the car or something.

He took off! Car's gone!

Mm, well, clearly, he's
evacuated to the Poconos.

Do you really think
he'd do that to us?

Absolutely do that to us.

I don't know.

This is bad, dude.

What you got here?

What you working on?

Oh, uh, this is great.

This is an agreement
for the women.

Oh.

Yeah, it guarantees that
whoever comes back to the bar

with us agrees to follow all
the rules that we set forth.

Well, that's smart.

Walk me through the details.

What you got, Dennis?

Uh, it's all very simple,
Charlie, very simple stuff.

Um, "I... state your name..."

Charlie Kelly.

Hmm? Well, not your name.

Oh.

Their name.

"Being of sound mind and body, do
solemnly pledge that I do not

have a boyfriend.

Nor am I currently engaged in a
sexual relationship with another

individual, females excluded."

Right.

"I hereby agree to be easygoing,
to engage in playful

conversation, to always act as though I
desire your penis even when I don't."

Yeah?

And it sort of goes on and
on like that for a while.

I love it. Where do I sign?

Okay, again, um, you
don't sign anywhere.

If we're doing a contract, I want to sign it, so...
This isn't a contract for

you, Charlie.

Uh, it's not?

This is a contract... ♪ Till now I always
got by on my own I never really cared

♪ Until I met you And now it chills me
to the bone How do I get you alone? ♪

Oh, my God.

Charlie, I might be in love with
this woman-- not for the right

reasons, mind you.

I got an idea.

Yeah.

Let's get her back to
the bunker, right?

She's the perfect kind of woman
to start over the new world with.

We would create a race of super
giant-breasted women, you know?

I'd start sleeping with your
daughters, you'd sleep with my

daughters, I'd sleep with your
daughters' daughters, you'd

sleep with my daughters'

daughters.

We die, our sons would sleep
with our daughters' daughters'

daughters.

It's like a perfect society.

Okay, I see where you're going
with that, but it sounds

like it could get
a little messy.

It could get a little stick...
let's work out a new agreement, you know...

All right, we'll come up
with a separate agreement.

Who sleeps with whose daughter?

Okay, that sounds good.

Um, all right, I'm gonna go
talk to this woman, you know?

All right, okay, okay.

All right.

Um... I got to say, man, this
woman's, like, really throwing

me off, dude, I feel
very, very nervous.

I don't usually get nervous.

You want me to help you out?

Yeah... no.

I'll go over there with you.

No, no, no, I want you to stay
as far away from me as possible.

You're standing too close
to me as it is, actually.

Have you gotten
into the cheese?

There's a whole cheese section.

I bet there is.

I went nuts.

All right, well, you stink.

Mm-hmm, all right,
you know what?

I'll find Frank,
he'll pick us up.

Okay, yeah, go call Frank.

I'm gonna go talk to the, uh...
I don't think I can do it

dressed like this, though.

I look ridiculous.

You guys, I don't mean to be a bother,
but are we almost at the hospital?

Shut the hell up, Cricket!

Okay, I'm driving
as fast as I can!

Do you not see that?!

Move!

What are you doing, Frank?

What are you doing, Frank?

I'm getting air.

You're sucking it all
up with your panicking.

It's freezing outside.

You're gonna catch cold and then everyone's
going to get sick in the bunker.

What are you talking
about, freezing?

It's sunny as shit.

Will you calm down,
for crying out loud?

You're gonna give
me a heart attack.

Oh, all right.

Let's go.

It's Charlie.

Yo.

You're shitting me.

Huh?

God.

Mac went to the Poconos, left
them stranded by the All

American with the supplies.

With the supplies?

No, n-n-n-no, I'm not getting stranded
in the bunker with no supplies.

You guys, what about me?

I'm in pain, I'm in... Goddamn you,
Cricket, goddamn you, it's not about you!

Listen, I'm gonna pick up the guys,
then I'll drop you off at the hospital.

It's gonna take two
seconds, okay?!

Is that okay, Cricket,
with you, huh?!

Go!

Come on, come on,
get out of the way.

I don't want to die.

Don't make me do it, Cricket,
I will slice you in half.

As you can see behind me, Larry, the storm
is really taking its toll on weary shoppers.

The lines are still long as
frustrated customers wait

anxiously to return home with
some emergency supplies before

the worst of the storm hits.

Jackie Denardo, Channel 5 News.

We out?

Good.

Hi, hi, hi.

I'm Dennis... Reynolds.

Hi, hi, Dennis.

I have a bar, I own a bar, it's my bar,
and I wanted to invite you to it for...

Uh, we have food and supplies,
and it would be a good place...

This storm is going to be bad,
as you know, so why not be at

the bar with me, um, and, you
know, for the good of the race?

So come to the bar and, uh,
oh, and I have a contr-- an

agreement, and I need you to sign...
Uh, excuse me, sir.

Yes.

Yeah, it's about the storm.

Okay.

Storm's not going to hit Philly.

It's just going to drizzle.

Really?

Yeah.

How am I supposed to
turn that into news?

I don't know, find some other way
to make these people go nuts.

We need a story.

Okay, thanks.

Hey, Todd, storm's
just been downgraded.

Apparently we're just going
to get a light drizzle.

Goddamn it.

I have a bunker.

Maybe we can turn this
into global warming.

That always gets people
whipped up, huh?

Get, get, get...
if you get in the bunker with me, then,

then you'll be totally safe.

For the good of the race,
we can create an entire...

Oh, my God, get lost, creep!

You're gonna treat
me like a dog, huh?

You're gonna treat
Cricket like a dog?

Hospital.

Hospital.

Come on... come on.

Hurry it up, move it along.

He's taking forever.

We're gonna die.

Hey, you look kind of Mayan.

You wouldn't happen to
be a Mayan, would you?

Charlie, there you are.

I think I found a Mayan.

We've been looking
all over for you.

Cricket's out in the car
bleeding like a pig.

Seriously?

We got to get the
supplies right away.

I got a great
amount of supplies.

I've been getting all sorts
of stuff, like things...

Hey, hey, hey, that's my cart.

Hey, folks, folks, listen up,
I'm sorry, but our credit card

machines just went down
due to a system overload.

We can only accept
cash at this time.

Oh, shit.

What?

Okay, well, you got cash?

I only have cards.

Charlie, where's the
cash I gave you?

Mac took off with all our cash!

He just took off!

What?!

We're gonna die.

I told you, I told you, I told
you we're dependant on machines.

You guys, once the machines go
down, then society collapses.

We're going to hell
in a handcart.

Okay, okay, I got a plan, okay,
let's just start looting

shit, okay, let's
just grab shit.

Yes, yes!

Let's just grab whatever we can.

No, you can't loot until the
crowd whips up into a frenzy.

The crowd is whipped
up into a frenzy.

They just stole my cart!

I-I think the time
will be evident.

Well, what are we waiting for?!

I don't know.

Loot, loot, time to loot, loot!

Loot, loot!

Take everything!

Kill the machines!

Kill the machines!

It's their fault!

Kill the machines...!

Come on, come on, come on.

Get it, get it, get it.

Just seconds ago, a car crashed
through the building and the

crowd is scattering.

Despite the fact that the storm
has been downgraded, the people

have worked themselves into
an uncontrollable frenzy!

It's the end of days,
it's the end of days!

Pandemonium has struck.

Come to the
bunker, come to the bunker!

Dennis, I got her,
Dennis, I got her!

Is this the hospital?

Is this the hospital?

Ah.

3-D boobies.

Now, this is news.