It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 11 - Thunder Gun Express - full transcript

A presidential visit to Philadelphia threatens to keep the gang from seeing a new action movie, leaving Dennis stuck in traffic, Frank stealing a boat, and Dee and Charlie prowling the city's sewers.

Dennis, do you have the tickets?

Yes, affirmative.

I got the tickets on-line,
and I got the last ones.

Charlie, got booze?

So what do you think?

I think that's enough booze to
last the whole movie, right?

Yes.

We're good, we're good.

Dee, time?

Uh, we have
just about a half hour.

Precisely, you bitch!

I need to know precisely.

28 minutes! I'm sorry.

28 minutes.

Oh, the city
is like a zoo.

I mean, traffic jam like
you wouldn't believe.

Obama's got the whole
thing congested.

Oh, goddamn it, Mac.

I told you there was
gonna be traffic, dude.

I forgot about Obama!

We still have time.

We still have time.

No, but, dude, traffic's
gonna jam us up, man.

No, no, no, we can
make it, okay?

Time for what?

Time for what?

Where are you going?

We gonna go see Thundergun
Express, man.

You know what I'm talking about.

What the shit is a Thundergun?

Are you crazy, dude?

It's, like, the greatest
movie ever made.

It's about this warrior from a
post-apocalyptic underground

society who has to travel back
in time to save his lover from

an evil robot army.

Whoo... "No hesitation."

"No surrender.

No man left behind!"

It's only the biggest
movie in America.

Whoa, that sounds the tits.

I'm in.

No.

How? How?

No. You do not have a ticket.

Yeah.

You didn't buy me a ticket?

I'm sorry.

What am I? Your daddy?

Yeah, I don't just buy
tickets for people.

Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you what?

I'll take Deandra's ticket.

You don't like action movies.

I don't know, Frank.

This is just as much a love
story as anything else.

Plus, I hear the guy hangs dong, and
I'm very interested in seeing that.

Me, too.

Yeah, yeah, he hangs dong.

Mm-hmm.

What the hell am I gonna do?

Well, get out of the way,
'cause we gotta go.

Yeah.

The clock's ticking.

Let's, let's go.

Thundergun!

This blows, dude!

Drive faster.

Drive faster?

Where would you
like for me to go?

I'm surrounded by cars, Charlie.

It's all these goddamn
immigrants come in to see Obama.

And none of them
have any insurance.

That's why they drive so slow.

Why are you even here?

The movie is sold out.

I'm gonna scalp a ticket.

Oh, shit!

I didn't bring my wallet.

You guys gotta spot
me some dough.

I ain't
giving you shit.

Oh, I'll sneak in.

I sneak in all the time.

I just hope we get there in
time to all sit together.

I don't like to split up.

Nah, don't worry about it.

If we get split up, we'll just
yell over everybody to each

other until they get annoyed
with us and switch.

You call in a bomb threat,
that would delay the picture.

That would be very Thundergun.

We're gonna have to do
something drastic if Dennis

doesn't figure out a
way to drive faster.

Yeah, come on, man.

Where would you
like for me to drive?

He misses all of his angles.

Well, you can slide
in front of that Prius.

Go in front of that Prius.

Oh, okay, so then I'll be
stuck in front of the Prius

instead of right
next to the Prius.

It's a bigger problem
than that guys.

He's slow at everything.

You should see how long it
takes him to bang chicks.

Mac, that's because you
always try and barge in so you

can see the chicks naked.

And then I have to start the
process all over again.

But you waste so much time
talking to them when you should

be plowing them.

No, you don't get it, dude.

You don't get what I'm...
Look, I'm forging a connection

with these women that will yield
for them the most awakening and

unforgettable sexual
experience of their lives.

Whatever!

I don't care about any of this!

We're gonna miss the movie!

Yeah, come on.

Hey, Thundergun
it up on the curb.

Yes, go on the curb!

Thundergun it
all the way down.

Thundergun's not a verb.

Stop using it as a verb.

There's nothing I can do.

It's the man's name.

Just calm down. We'll get there.

Well, I tell you one thing.

I could walk faster
than we're moving.

What are you guys doing?

Oh, wait!

Get back here, you
sons of bitches!

Thundergun leaves no man behind!

We'll come back for you!

Are you kidding me?

Come on!

Damn.

Please.

Shit.

All the streets are blocked.

Hey, let's ask this cop.

Excuse me, Officer.

Uh, we need to get through.

I can't help you.

The street's closed down
all the way to Spring.

Yeah, but this
is an emergency.

It's not my problem.

You gotta go around.

All right, we gotta
find a new point of entry.

Attack the target from
a different angle.

Whoa! Hold on.

What are you talking
about attacking?!

No, no, no, we're not
terrorists or anything.

We're just... We're trying to get
to a movie, Thundergun Express.

Oh, Thundergun Express, huh?

You better get going.

You don't want to miss one
second of that movie.

Is it that good?

It's the best goddamn movie
I ever seen in my life.

Dude, hangs dong.

I told them that!

I told them!

I don't want to miss that!

All right, maybe we take a cab.

What about that?

A cab? Dee, don't be a fool!

We'll never get a cab out here.

Plus, we'll just sit in
traffic like everybody else.

Yeah, we'll be
stuck like Dennis.

The trolley!

The trolley.

We can make it, Frank!

Come on!

Yes.

No surrender, baby!

Come on! Come on, Frank.

I'm coming.

Come on. You can make it.

I'm coming.

No, no, no, no, no!

I'm not gonna make it.

No, hop off!

Hop... Don't leave me here!

We'll come back for you!

You bastards!

"You take too long.

You take too long, Dennis."

Screw you, Mac.

I don't take that long.

I'll show you who
takes too long.

Son of a bitch.

Let's see.

We got Amanda, we got Brenda.

Ah, Alison.

Let's find out if Alison thought
that I, that I took too long.

Too bad the museum
is closed on Wednesdays.

I know.

I guess we can hang out here and
get to know each other instead.

That's a good one.

What's with all the locks?

I want you to feel safe.

So your father took off when
you were pretty young, huh?

That must have been difficult.

Yeah, I could probably speed
things up a little bit.

I mean...

Thanks very much.

Careful now. There you go.

Watch your step, ladies.

Very good. Thank you.

Hey, guy, can you...
can you take me up the river?

I gotta get a mile up the river.

Tour is $15.

I left my wallet at home.

I only got a, I got a
quarter to my name.

Look, I can't help you, pal.

All right, folks.

Everybody, take your seats.

I'll be right back.

We'll get this tour
underway, okay?

Hang in there.

I swear, I'll take care of
you when I get up there.

Sorry, dude.

Hi, I'm your new captain, Frank.

I'm gonna take you
up the river, okay?

Here we go.

What happened to Captain Tom?

Uh, Captain Tom turned out
to be a goddamn junkie!

Hang on.

You, uh, you're going too fast.

Huh?

Too fast.

It's the, it's the fast tour.

It's the quick one.

Quick tour.

Why aren't you telling
us what anything is?

Like what?

What is that
building over there?

Uh, that's a big building.

It's a brick building,
red brick building.

I don't know that
the hell it is.

It's a old building.

Can you please use microphone?

Very difficult for people
to hear in back, okay?

Oh, oh, the microphone.

Okay. All right.

You hear that?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Well, we're on the Schuylkill River,
and, uh, it's home to many, uh, weird

fish-like creatures.

And also the depository of, uh,
all of the unsolved crimes and

murders in Philadelphia.

Yeah.

That trolley kicked ass.

We're just like a couple blocks
from the theater, I think.

Yeah.

Thundergun himself would have
been proud of that move.

Of course, he'd be proud.

We didn't hesitate.

We didn't surrender.

Yeah.

We did leave a couple
men behind, though.

That's true.

But we didn't hesitate to
leave those men behind.

Yeah.

Plus, I hung dong
on the trolley.

You guys missed that.

No, I didn't miss it.

I saw it.

I just chose to ignore it.

I saw it.

Looked like a button
in a fur coat.

Either way, it was
totally Thundergun.

If Thundergun's dong looks like that,
we should all get our money back.

Yeah, I'm walking
out of the movie.

It was more of a ding
than a dong really, Mac.

I got a lot of good ones and thumbs up and...

Aw.

Goddamn it.

Another closure.

All right, think, think.
What would Thundergun do right now?

Oh, shit.

Okay, listen, hear me out.

Let's fire down that sewer.

Frank and I do it all the time.

I know my way around.

We'll be over there in a jiff.

Uh, I don't know.

Sewer, huh?

All right, let's do it.

We've come this far, right?

Right?

No, no, no, no.

Our clothes will
get soaking wet.

It's going to ruin
the whole movie.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

I know what it is.

He's scared he's going to be too
fat to fit down that gutter.

That is what it is.

No, it isn't.

It has nothing to do with it.

Look, sewers are
disgusting, that's why.

Your big fat body is
what's disgusting.

And you're embarrassed about it.

We are not going in the
sewer, and that is final.

Oh, oh, yeah?

Ah.

Guys, guys, guys, come on.

Don't... goddamn it.

I'm coming through, guys.

Here I come.

Here I come.

Oh, wait.

Oh, you know what?

It turns out I-I am...
I am too muscular, and I-I can't fit through.

Look like you're stuck, huh?

Well, yeah.

So my-my-my muscles stop
me from gaining access.

Sorry, Mac.

Why don't you guys come out, and then...
I'll tell you what?

We'll come back for you.

Yeah.

That's what I told Dennis
and Frank, and I was lying.

I know.

So are we...!

You sons of bitches!

Oh, you sons of bitches!

You sons of bitches!

Out of the way,
you fat dickhead.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

No surrender.

No surrender.

Shitty bike.

You seem cold.

Perhaps you'd be more
comfortable under the covers.

Now, we're talking.

Okay, Alison.

All right.

Hey, hey, guys.

What are you do...
Mac, can we help you?

Goddamn, Mac.

Oh, oh, I thought I
heard you call my name.

I did not call your name.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'll be right outside
if you need anything.

We're not gonna need
anything, okay?

If fact, go ahead and
leave the keys in here.

Now I have to re-demonstrate my values,
so that's gonna increase the time.

I think I need to
be getting home.

My mom is going to
start to worry.

Wait. Your mom?

How old are you?

Sixteen.

Sixteen?!

No get... what are you...
get... Whoa, shit.

That's not good.

Why do I still have this tape?

That's ridiculous.

Goddamn it.

Shit.

Well, now, this is an
interesting development.

I gotta say, Charlie, this
sewer is pretty gross, but

it's not nearly as gross as
I thought it was gonna be.

No, it's no bad now.

But like any minute, you know, a
wall of water could just come

gushing through here.

So we should keep moving.

Wait, wall of water?

Yeah, well, you know,
it's not just water.

It's like dog shit and street sludge.
You know, they divert it to

different channels
throughout the day.

Oh, my God.

You know, it's sewage.

It's sewage.

Yeah.

Oh, you know what, Dee?

Dee?

Can we get naked really quick?

No.

Oh, right.

Do you mind if I do?

Mm-hmm.

Well, see the thing is, like,
if a, if a wall of water comes

through, it's actually pretty
sweet to be naked 'cause then

you can hold your clothes up.

You know, and then that piss and
shit just kind of flows over you.

It's more refreshing
than you think.

And then you have dry
clothes afterwards.

And it's a lot better than having
the sewage on your clothes.

I understand.

And I'm a little relieved, but
it's still not good enough

for, so I'm going to
keep my clothes on.

Oh, look at Queen Dee, who's
too good to get naked with her

buddy all of a sudden.

Okay, I don't...
why are you making it about that?

I just... I didn't want...
You know what? t?

This is a preposterous
conversation we're having.

This is a functional
conversation.

This is a preposterous
conversation.

This is not a sexual thing.

You know what?

Let's just go.

Let's just go.

There's no walls of water.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Shit.

My shoe's stuck.

Well, pull it out.

If I could pull it out,
would it be stuck?

Take your shoe off.

I'm not going to take my shoe
off and walk around barefoot in

this disgusting sewer.

Oh, the queen again, everyone.

The queen speaks.

Shut up.

Charlie, we don't
have time for this.

I have an idea, though.

Why don't you take your shoes
off and give them to me?

No, you'll stretch mine out.

No, come on, Charlie, you
were fine taking all your

clothes off and walking
around in this gross place.

Dee, you'll stretch them out.

All right, Charlie, stop
screwing around, okay?

We're going to miss the movie.

No, we're...

You're right.

Where are you going?

What are you doing?

I'll come back for you.

No. No.

I'll come back for you.

Don't... don't you do that.

Don't you...
Charlie, get back here right now!

Goddamn it!

Oh, goddamn it!

Aw, man!

Come on.

Come on.

What is that?

What is that?

Charlie?

Is that the wall of water?

No, Charlie.

Charlie, I hear the
wall of water!

Come back for me!

So they'll send a tow
truck and everything?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't worry about that.

Tow truck is on its way.

I see you were born 1985.

Si.

Yeah, so everything
checks out there.

Beautiful.

Oh, it's so cool that you own
a chain of auto body repair

shops.

I wish I new how to fix cars.

Oh, yeah.

Well, auto body repair has
always been a bit of a passion

of mine.

I also invented Facebook
with the Winklevoss twins.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Zuckerberg didn't do shit.

Yeah, he really screwed
us on that one.

I got some hush money,
so it's all good.

It's all good.

But, uh, I don't want to waste
anymore time here, so...

No man left behind!

Goddamn it, Mac.

What the hell are
you doing here?

I came back for you like I said
I would, like Thundergun does.

Who's the brown girl?

Uh, Elena.

We got into a little bit
of a fender bender.

She was on her way to see
Thundergun, too.

What are the odds of that, huh?

I seen it twice already.

Oh, it's amazing.

What's with the helmet, bro?

Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, bonito.

Dude, the helmet
is sweet as shit.

It's very Thundergun.

I'm going to wear
it during the movie.

Looks like traffic is
clearing up, huh?

Yeah, it does.

All right.

Punch it.

And Charlie and I,
we go down the sewer.

And first thing we do is to
preserve our clothes, we take...

take our clothes off.

We get totally naked because
you don't want to get wet.

We ball our clothes up.

We stick them up
some place high.

There's this waitress who
Charlie's in love with.

And, uh, I banged her.

Charlie got really upset
when I banged the waitress.

Uh, but it was a lot of fun.

She was a nice piece of ass.

We don't know who
you're talking about.

Charlie.

He's my buddy.

We sleep together.

We hang out together.

Once I pooped in the bed.

I blamed it on him.

One time the guys got
hooked on crack.

It was really crazy.

Well, they found a
baby in a Dumpster.

They wanted to make some money
with the baby, but nobody would

buy the baby because
it was white.

So they had to turn it brown.

We were fighting over the sword.

And just about when we were about
to hit each other with the

sword, Social Services came in,
thought we were killing the baby.

I-I don't
understand this tour.

Charlie wrote this musical.

Oh, man, it was really funny.

I played a troll on the musical.

A troll?

Yeah.

And it's called The
Nightman Cometh.

I could sing you my
song, if you like.

You gotta... you gotta pay the
troll toll to get into this

boy's hole.

Yeah, and, uh...
But you gotta pay to get in.

I was saying, "soul."

He thought I was
saying, "boy's hole."

One of the things I like doing
most is banging whores.

I, uh, I go out and
bang a lot of whores.

Listen, here's the thing.

I'm going to have to
jump off here.

So you guys enjoy the rest of
the tour on your own, okay?

How are we supposed to
get back to our tour bus?

That's your problem.

Welcome to Philly.

No hesitation.

Nah, no surrender.

No hesitation.

No surrender.

No surrender.

No surrender.

No surren...

Oh, shit.

I surrender.

Coming soon to a
theater near you.

All right, okay, there's
a nice way to do that.

There's a nice way to do that.

From the director...
Ooh! Aah!

That's tart.

This seat taken right here?

Charlie, you made it.

What's up, Mac?!

I got a seat right
in the middle, bro.

Aw, dude, that's an
awesome helmet, man.

Thanks, dude.

Yo, where's Dee?

Uh, she couldn't
make it, bro.

Wasn't Thundergun enough.

How about Dennis?

Oh, yeah, he's here.

He's Thundergunning some
Mexican chick in the back.

Nice.

He's moving a lot faster
than usual, huh?

I think he's
getting a hand job.

Oh, I am.

Hand job.

Hey, can you guys,
uh, maybe be quiet?

Well, why don't you switch
seats with us if it's bothering

you so much.

Just switch seats, you
know what I mean?

Just switch seats.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Squeeze in, squeeze in.

Hey, Dee, you made it.

Yeah, you bet
your ass I made it.

Charlie, my clothes are dry.

You held them over your head?

Took them all off.

Held them over my head.

I told you that
water was coming.

No problem. Yeah.

Excuse me, Miss?

Yeah.

But your stench
is unbearable.

It's bad, isn't it?

Yes.

That's shit in my
hair, that's why.

What if you switch seats, and
then I can be closer to those

guys and you can...
Babe, let's get outta here.

We won't smell as much, and
then you won't hear all the

talking and...
Congratulations.

This is a much better seat.

So the water wall came, huh?

Yeah, came with a vengeance.

Dennis is getting a
hand job in the back.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Oh, congratulations.

Well, we're all here.

Except Frank.

I wonder where Frank is?

Okay, you got one phone
call, make it quick.

Thank you, ma'am.

911. What is your emergency?

I'd like to report
a bomb threat.

He's not qualified...
Would you shut up?

The movie's about to start.

Can you shut up?

Well, switch with us if
you're getting so upset.

Fine.

Yeah, why don't you
go up there and then...

We're having a conversation.

Bad attitude.

Talk about shutting up.

Dennis, you're going
to like the seat.

At a certain point, it's your
fault, you know what I mean, for

not moving.

That's right.

This is Elena, everybody.

Oh! Oh!

This is going to be bad ass!

What's going on?

Folks, please don't panic, but
we've received a bomb threat.

We ask that you remain calm
and exit the theater in an

orderly fashion.

Bomb threat?

No.

Bomb threat?

Oh, shit.

Goddamn it, Frank.

He Thundergunned all of us.

He Thundergunned
the shit out of us.

Frank?