It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - Who Got Dee Pregnant? - full transcript

I'm so pumped, dude.

I hope I get to see
at least one ancient spirit.

I think we should get
some chalk and some erasers...

because that dust cloud, you know,
really shows the laser beam alarms.

- So you can see -
- Oh! Get a little dust cloud going.

We got to spend a lot of time
in the Civil War section.

No, we're not doing
the Civil War section, Frank.

We are gonna hit up ancient Egypt though.
I'm very excited about that.

- And we're sticking together.
- Just so I'm clear...

you guys don't actually think that things
are going to come alive...

because you're spending the night
in a museum, right?

I'm sorry, but we're simply
opening ourselves up...

to the possibility
of an amazing adventure this evening.

Is there something wrong with that?

Now, whether that means
Charlie running into his ancient spirits...

or us having to just, you know, run away
from security guards all night -

Either way, it's gonna be
a really, really great time.

It's certainly gonna be a lot better
than sticking around the bar all night...

watching you eat sandwich
after sandwich after sandwich.

What the hell is the matter with you?

You've been stuffing your face for days.

It's fatness, Frank, plain and simple.
It's a person becoming fat before your eyes.

I don't even really know how to make the
bird jokes anymore. Like, they don't apply.

I'm not fat. I'm pregnant.

I feel like you say that all the time now.

You better do yourself a favor
and flush it out.

Wait a second. You've definitely
said that before. You're right.

Yeah, and since we're all saying things
that we say all the time, I'll just reiterate -

Dee, we don't care about you
or your body or your baby...

or that baby bird that you're probably
carrying inside of you.

- Right.
- Oh, really?

Well, you should give a shit,
'cause one of you is the father.

- What?
- Wh-What the hell you talking about?

I'm talking about the Halloween party,
where one of you got me pregnant.

But, you know, since you guys don't care
about me or my body or my baby...

or whatever it was that you were saying,
we shouldn't talk about it.

You guys are on your way to a museum to
spend the night. Hey, have a great time, guys.

Oh, shit.

I mean, what is she even talking about?

Got her pregnant at the Halloween party?
What does that mean?

I don't even remember that party.
I was wasted.

Yeah, me too. I browned out that evening.

"Browned out"? What's "browned out"?

Oh, it's when you drink so much
that everything goes brown.

It's not as severe as a blackout,
'cause I remember bits and pieces.

I like to call it "browning out."

- Hmm, never heard of that before.
- There's a good reason for that, Frank...

because I think Mac
just made it up on the spot.

- I did.
- You did. That's a great term.

- "Browning out"?
- You like it?

- I love it.
- Thank you.

I'm pretty sure at a certain point...

we all probably browned out.

So I think our best chance
at figuring this out...

is for us to all
put our browns together...

mash them together and try and figure out
which one of you two banged my sister.

Okay, but let's not overuse the "brown"
thing right in the beginning, you know.

Yeah, but here's the thing -
Once you throw a term like that out...

and everybody likes it,
it's pretty much fair game.

- We can use it whenever we want.
- It's public domain at that point.

- It becomes public domain.
- Now we're just trying to figure out who banged Dee.

That's the important thing. Let's not
focus too much on the "brown" thing -

even though it's a term
that I'm gonna use a lot.

And I'm probably gonna use it
a lot right now.

So here's what I remember
from my brown state.

I remember we were all in costume...

and our costumes were pretty cool,
except for yours.

I was really pissed off at you, because
we agreed to go as Mario and Luigi.

I held up my end of the bargain.

And then you showed up wearing
a different costume at the last minute.

Dude, what are you doing?
Where's your Mario costume?

No, I went with a sexier look.

Sexy? Bro, we agreed on funny
over sexy this year...

so we could disarm the ladies.

You don't remember this conversation?
Without my Mario, what am I?

I'm just, like, some weird Italian plumber.
I look like an asshole.

What is that? What even is that?

I'm that character from Lord of the Rings,
"Viggio Morgenstein."

Okay, that is not the character's name.
That's the actor's name.

And you're not even getting that right.

You're totally, totally boning me here, bro.
Do you realize that?

Yo, yo, yo!
Look at the turnout for our "par-tay."

I want to suck your blood!

It's Twilight time!
Time for blood sucking.

Yeah, dude, I'm doing a vampire thing!

'Cause chicks are all
into vampires and stuff...

you know, 'cause of the stupid
Twilight movie and all that other crap.

You know, so I'm like, what if the waitress
is into it? This is my best shot!

You are dressed like the Phantom
of the Opera. He's not a vampire.

- He eats theater people.
- No, he doesn't.

- I think he might.
- He does.

And I'm surprised you even know
who the Phantom of the Opera is.

- He might not.
- He doesn't.

- No, I don't. I don't.
- This party blows.

There's no studs here. No beef
in the freezer, if you know what I mean.

Dee, why in God's name would you
wear a costume with giant wings?

- I'm a sexy angel.
- Are we supposed to pretend...

like you're not dressed like a giant bird?

I mean, if you're gonna be sexy,
don't dress like a bird, Dee.

- I didn't dress like a bird. I'm clearly an angel.
- No.

Besides, did you guys see that cooze
over there dressing like a peacock?

Big, giant bird. Green bird.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

She wears it well.

Woof, woof. She wears it very well.

She wears it so well, in fact, that I have now
pinpointed her as my prey for the evening.

Yeah! She will be mine.

As a matter of fact, I'm gonna go
get that process started right now.

Out of my way, bird.

This is all sounding right.
I remember this.

Yeah? This all sounds right to you?
Okay, okay.

So it was later in the evening,
and things had progressed quite a bit...

'cause I remember we were all
starting to get pretty lit at this point.

But, see, I distinctly remember
there being...

some kind of a commotion
at the other end of the bar.

Hey, leave us alone! Just stop it!

Now, this lady, she sounded like
she was in a fair amount of distress...

but I didn't really give a shit, because
despite looking like a cartoon bricklayer...

I was starting to get pretty close to
sealing the deal with the peacock lady.

Look, dude, you've been
bugging me all night, okay?

I think your costume's weird,
I think you're creepy...

- And I just want you to leave me alone.
- Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

- Stupid costume is so sexy.
- What?

I can't believe it, man.
She takes advantage of me.

She's like, "Oh, my God, you look so sexy!
I'm gonna sex you all up!"

I'm like, "You're just my friend!
Get your sex off me!"

And then she gets all sexy with me, 'cause I've,
like, got the sexiest costume in the world on!

- I hate it! - So what- Did you
want to get rid of that costume?

Yes, I want to get rid of the costume!

You have any idea
what it's like to be this sexy?

- Can I have your costume, dude?
- Yeah, you can have it.

- Really? You'll switch costumes with me?
- I didn't even wanna be -

- Yeah!
- Let's switch. Let's switch.

Come on, let's go switch.
You'll be okay, buddy.

Yes, dude! It's all coming back to me now.
You came over to me.

We agreed to switch costumes.
You gave me your sexy, sexy costume...

and I was able to fell
the seductive temptress finally.

Oh, yeah, so I did have sex
with the peacock lady.

Yeah, awesome.
Ah, that's so awesome, dude.

Well, mystery solved. I mean- Awesome!

- That's not the mystery.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That you banged the peacock chick
is not the mystery.

The Dee thing is the mystery. Right. Dee -

Somebody had sex with Dee, and she got
pregnant and- Well, whatever. Okay.

Well, clearly, from that story,
Charlie, you're the one that banged her.

That's why you were feeling
so much remorse and regret...

and you had the tears
coming out of your eye.

Who wouldn't feel that way after banging -

Ah, shit, dude. Oh, shit.

'Cause the way
you're telling that story...

it definitely sounds like that,
'cause I remember crying!

No.

Those were tears of joy.

Yes, and it wasn't
'cause of Dee, obviously.

Okay, I remember this now.
I remember this, all right?

Frank and Artemis
were sitting at the bar...

and they were in the middle
of some kind of big argument.

And I was with the McPoyle brothers
over at the jukebox...

and I just finalized
a delicate truce with them.

So look- So if you guys are cool,
then I'm totally cool.

- We're cool as cucumbers.
- Bump it.

This time I will bump it. The truce is on!

We bumped fists, and Dee walked by.

- Oh, hey, Dee.
- Hey, Charlie. Great costume.

Yeah, you too.

Thanks.

Like the feathers.

And just then the waitress came in.

Hey, I see you received my invitation.

Yeah, Charlie, I received all 100 of them.

Who's this jerk?

This is my new boyfriend.
He's here to protect me.

Oh, wait.
This is the guy you were telling me about.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- The lady's taken.
- Get out of my face, bro.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, really.

- You want to get your ass kicked?
- Okay, leave us alone.

- I have to defend your honor!
- Please stop it!

Mac, get my back.

Oh, goddamn it! I got milk all over me!

That... was insanely masculine.

I made out with the waitress!
That's amazing, man!

I got to call her or- I'm out of here.

- Charlie, didn't happen.
- What? What?

- No?
- That's not the way it happened.

- No?
- No. You got parts of it right...

but you're leaving out some major things.

Let me set the damn record straight.

First of all, don't say I went as Spider-Man.
I didn't go as Spider-Man.

I was Man-Spider.

Totally different!

Yes, I was having
an argument with Artemis...

because a couple weeks before,
we had some makeup sex...

in a Dumpster out in the back of Wendy's.

Yeah! Yeah!

She incorporated a bun in the lovemaking.

She took the- the dough...

and rolled it up into a ball,
and then she -

We were going berserk. She loves
that kind of stuff. And I-I admit I do too.

Frank- Frank, we don't need
to hear this part of the story, okay?

Can you just tell us about Halloween?
Stick to Halloween night.

Okay. We were arguing...

because she wanted another Dumpster
hump, and I wanted to stay at the party.

So I walked away.
That's when you were doing your thing.

- I'm gonna kick your ass, bro!
- Leave us alone!

- I have to defend your honor!
- Please stop!

- Mac, get my back, dude!
- I'm here, buddy!

Goddamn it! I got milk all over me!

You are insane!

Insanely masculine.

It was Artemis
that took advantage of you...

because she was trying to make me jealous.

After you broke free...

you wandered off muttering something
about the costume being too sexy.

Not from you!

It's the stupid sexy costume!

Ah, shit. Somebody please tell me
Frank's memory is not correct.

Knock, knock, dick-faces.

- Hi.
- Artie, thanks for coming so quick.

Listen, we're trying to piece together
a night, and we need some guidance.

I don't remember that night.

I didn't tell you which night yet.

I don't remember most evenings.

You can try me,
but I will not promise you anything.

- Last Halloween.
- Oh, Halloween.

- Anything ring a bell?
- That was quite a night.

I suppose I do recall
a few bits and pieces.

- What happened?
- Spill.

Well, I was angry at you...

because of an incident
that happened a few weeks before...

where you and I were
in the Dumpster behind Wendy's.

- I incorporated a hamburger bun
in a way that he found very -

This is not the part that- Why does everybody
think we wanna know about that?

Because it's really interesting and innovative,
and I thought maybe you'd want some lessons.

- Did you make out with me?
- I sure did.

And it worked like a charm. I had Frank
all to myself for a month straight after that.

All right, let's get back to Halloween.

Anything else that happened that night -
like Deandra getting pregnant?

Oh, well, that makes sense.
Mac slept with her at the party.

What?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the sounds of hot,
passionate lovemaking...

that was coming from the bathroom that
I had heard with my own two ear-balls.

After the fight and the kiss...

Mac had blood all over his knuckles
and went to the bathroom to wash it off.

Dee was incensed that her costume
was covered in milk.

- So she went to the bathroom
to clean herself up.

But the line
for the ladies ' room was too long...

so she went to the men's room.

Frank started to apologize to me,
and after a few minutes...

we decided to have makeup sex
in the men's room.

But the door was locked, and I heard
the passionate, unmistakable sounds...

of lovemaking coming from inside.

Mac was making love
to Sweet Dee in the bathroom...

so Frank and I had to sneak outside
to my station wagon...

where we gave each other hand jobs.

Well, there you have it. Mac's the dad.

- Mac's the dad! Chant with me.
- No -

- Mac's the dad! Let's go! Mac -
- No, I'm not the -

I'm not the dad, okay, Charlie?
Just trust me on that.

Hey, all the evidence
is pointing towards you, pal.

Yes, there were passionate sounds
of lovemaking...

coming from the bathroom,
but it wasn't me and Dee.

Damn it. I was hoping I wouldn't have to
admit this, but I guess I have to tell you.

Okay, here goes.

I was in the back of the bar
when the commotion began...

and I heard Charlie cry out for help.

He was about to get
his ass kicked by that giant dude.

Mac, help me, please! I need you!

- There was no time for an ocular pat-down.
- Not in my bar, bro.

I secured the area,
and I retained order- like I always do.

Everybody chill.

It's cool now.

I had a tremendous amount of
douche bag blood all over my knuckles...

so I went to the bathroom to clean it off.

- That's when Dee came in.
- Oh, hey, Dee.

Look, I do not give a shit
about your problems, Dee, okay?

I'm still pumped up from that ass-whooping
I just handed out. Did you see that?

I don't give a shit, Dee, okay?

- I don't know how you're gonna
get all that milk off of you.

What is that supposed to mean?

Okay, you know what? Shoo. Shoo.
Get out of here. Shoo. Shoo!

Get out of here. Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Come on!

Get out! Get out!

So annoying.

Whoa! Margaret, what are you doing here?

God, that is so gross.

You're always doing that.
Are you trying to tell me something?

Is that, like, a sexual thing?

All right. Let's do this.

Hold on a second. So are you telling us...

that you had sex with
Margaret McPoyle that night?

Yes.

Ooh.

- Yeah.
- Well, you know...

we got to go confront the McPoyles
about this now.

Yeah, we got to confirm this whole story.

The only consistent part
about every single one of these stories...

is that the McPoyles were there,
and they were drinking milk...

which means they were
stone-cold sober that night.

They could probably confirm the truth.

Ah, shit.

Last Halloween. Hmm.

And Dee's pregnant, huh?

Hmm.

I remember that night well.

As do I. Quite well.

You were all very, very, very drunk.

- Quite drunk.
- You should feel shame.

Okay, don't give us
your judgments, all right?

- Can you please just tell us what you remember?
- Tell us what happened.

Well, we just finished accepting
Charles's terrible, terrible truce.

That's, like, the whole truce.
You know, that's all there is to it.

And if you guys are cool with it,
then I'll be perfectly cool with it.

- Whatever.
- Just get out of our face. Your breath is awful.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

All right, well, bump it?

What about this one? You bump?

That's cool.

Cool, guys. Good truce, good truce,
good truce, good truce.

- Ah, hey, Dee.
- Shut up.

Yep. Yep.

Uh, hello, hello, hello, hello!

I see you received my invitation.

I'm sorry. Do I know you?

- Who's this jerk?
- Uh, this is my boyfriend.

- What the hell?
- Whoa. Time out, buddy. What's going on here?

The lady's taken, buddy!

- Yeah, I know she is!
- Who are you?

- You want to get your ass kicked?
- Leave us alone!

I have to defend your honor!

Mac, get my back!

Goddamn it! I got milk all over me!

Viggio Morgenstein!

Hey.

I'm insanely high on mescaline.

Are you telling me
that wasn't even the waitress?

Not at all.

After the fight,
Mac went to the bathroom...

to wash that poor girl's blood off his hands.

And Dee followed.

They were only in there a short moment
together before Dee came back out.

Mac kicked her out of the bathroom...

so he could make sweet love
to Margaret in private.

I heard you gave
quite a performance, Macwell.

Mmm.

Mmm!

- Mmm!
- Oh!

Okay, that's enough, all right?

God, that's your sister.

- Uh -
- Yeah.

You know what? Just move past it.
Tell the story, please.

She's still expecting a call.

Okay. That's not gonna happen,
so just move past it, all right?

You will call her!

Jesus, man, I'm sorry.
Fine, I'll call her.

As I was saying...

Dee came out of the bathroom
in quite a rage.

Stupid costume.

Everybody calling me a bird.

She accosted the girl
you were all ogling that evening.

Hey, you, everybody thinks
you're so hot, huh? You big hot bird.

Well, I tell you what.
You take it off and switch with me.

- What are you talking about?
- Me, mine -

This is mine now. Switch it.

- Uh, I don't think so.
- "Oh, I don't think so."

I didn't ask you, okay?

Listen. All right, number one,
it's a win-win for both of us.

That weird plumber- he's gonna
leave you alone for the rest of the night.

That's good, right?
And then the second great thing for you...

is I'm not gonna beat the shit out of you,
so let's go.

Dee came out of the bathroom
in her new costume feeling quite saucy.

Call me a bird all night.
Making fun, saying names.

Well, let's see who's sexy now, dickwads.

'Cause I look good.

Dee was clearly on a warpath...

to prove to one of you
that she was indeed sexy.

And the best way to do that was to
trick one of you two into making love to her.

Knowing that Charlie was the weakest...

and by far the most vulnerable...

she assumed he would be
the easiest to take advantage of.

And so she took Charlie into
the back office and had her way with him.

You should see the look on your face.

It's good enough to eat.

No. Hold on a second. That wasn't me.

- What?
- That wasn't me. I switched costumes with Dennis.

That was Dennis.

So Dennis thought Deandra
was the peacock chick.

And Dee thought that Dennis was Charlie?

So Dee thinks that I'm the dad,
but, Dennis, you're the dad!

Delightful.

Oh, shit. I'm gonna be sick.

Go. Do it.

Feel it. Let it out.

Let's just get out- Let's just get out of here.

Don't flush.

- Dee!
- Deandra!

Dee! Dee!

- Deandra!
- Yeah!

This is bad! This is real bad!

You thought you had sex with Charlie...

but it was Dennis that you
went into the back room with.

See?

I had sex with you.
It was sex with me. It was sex with me.

He threw up the whole way over here, Dee.

Dennis is the father of that baby.

We got to get you and that monster
that's in your gut down to Mexico A.S.A.P!

Are you kidding me?
I did not have sex with Dennis.

Yes, you did! Yeah- All right, look, look.

You went in the back office
with him, not me.

You thought it was me 'cause you wanted
sex from me! But you got sex from Dennis!

Okay, you're saying that because I went
into the back office alone with Dennis...

that I must have had sex with him?

Gross! No! That did not happen.

Have you guys been obsessing
about this all night long?

- Yes!
- Yeah?

Of course. We were running around
trying to figure out who the father is.

If it's not Dennis, who is it?

- It's none of you.
- Huh?

No, none of you are the father.

I just told you that 'cause you were making
fun of me for eating the sandwich...

and I thought it would upset you
and get you going, and it did, it worked.

You guys have been obsessing
about this all night.

So, wait -

Are-Are you absolutely sure
that you and I did not have sex...

and that that's not my -

Uh, yeah.

Oh!

- Whoa! Ho, ho!
- Whoo!

Yeah, but I'll tell you what.

I'm not gonna tell you who the father is.

- Who gives a shit?
- Yeah.

You all give a shit.
You just said so. You were up all night.

You were thinking about it all night long.

Yeah, but that was before,
when you said it was one of us.

- Now that it's not one of us, I mean -
- Who cares?

- Who cares, right?
- It's no big deal.

- Yeah, we don't care.
- All right. Oh, my God.

I got to take a- Oh, Jesus.

- Whoo, ooh!
- Whoa, baby!

Whoo!

- This close, baby.
- That is a load off my shoulders, man.

- I really dodged a bullet on that one.
- You did, man.

- Well, we all did. We all did.
- Hey, what about the museum?

- Huh?
- Yes!

- We could do it.
- Boom.

There's still time!
Dee, we're out of here!

- You look like a turkey!
- Yeah.

- I would say- I would say,
you look like an ostrich! - Yes!

- Right?
- That's pretty good.

You know, I want to call her an emu...

- But I want to save it for, you know -
- Save it, save it, save it.

You are a big, fat, flightless bird!

- Yeah, yeah!
- Those are all -

- Those are all -
- Yeah, I mean -

- Just sort of the general -
- The general whatever.