It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - Mac and Charlie: White Trash - full transcript

Yo! Hey! Bro, help us out here!

Swim time! It's a heat wave, dude!
- Heat wave!

- Heat wave! Heat wave!
- I'm sorry about that. Can I help you?

- Yeah, two checking in for the pool.
- Check us in.

Sorry, sir.
You can't bring beer onto the premises.

What? You can't drink in this pool?

- That's kind of weird.
- Charlie, chug this.

- Yeah, we'll pound 'em.
- We'll just have to finish these out here.

- Here. Help us out. The boss isn't around.
- No. I'm-I'm good.

- All right. More for us.
- You sure?

I'm sure. Yeah. I'm gonna assume
you guys aren't members here.

Just go ahead and sign us up.

- We'll blaze through these in no time.
- Yeah.

Actually, if you'd like to join our swim club...

you need to be sponsored
by two existing members.

But I'm sorry to tell you, fellas...

that membership is currently at capacity.

- At capacity?
- Yeah.

We're in the middle of a terrible heat wave...

and you happen to be at capacity- for us.

Well, you can try the public pool, but -

Oh, thank you. Thank you for your suggestion.

- We're out of here. Let's go.
- Yeah.

- You.
- You don't have to- Oh. Sir.

I cannot believe that that just happened,
in this day and age.

I know.
I can't believe there's such a big list.

Mm-mmm. Don't you get it, dude?

They'll always be "at capacity" for us.

I don't get that at all.
Is that what he said?

Don't you get it? We got big-timed, dude.
He called us lower class.

- He called us lower class?
- Yeah.

Yeah, but I wouldn't argue with that, dude.
We're definitely lower class.

Yeah, I'm not disputing that fact, dude.

I'm saying we shouldn't get boxed out for it.
It's bullshit.

Honestly, I just wanna go swimming.

Should we suck it up and go to the public pool?

Ugh! Gross, dude.
I will not go to that disgusting public pool.

People there are gross.

I got a good idea. Let's get out of here.

There she is.

This is what I'm talking about, bro.

Man, the old diving pool.

Remember how much fun
we used to have here?

- It's all deep end.
- Hell, yeah, we had fun, dude.

You know why?
Because this was a pool for people like us.

Street guys. And I think it's clear
why it looks like shit now.

'Cause Jamie Nelson drowned in it.

What?

No. No, I was gonna say it was
because of a pattern of discrimination...

because this was a pool
for lower-class people.

- Dude, what?
- Yeah.

Look, dude, I say it's time we take matters
into our own hands with this.

- What you thinking?
- I'm saying we fix up this pool.

Ahh!

Man, I'm gonna have to keep tinkering
with the A.C. 'cause I can't feel it at all.

Can you feel it?

Charlie, you gotta focus, okay?
A pool is a major investment.

So if we're gonna get Frank
on board with this...

we have to approach him as equals.

- Okay. Is that why you got that gold chain?
- That's why I got the gold chain.

Okay.
I see what you're going after here.

- Hey, Frank!
- Yeah.

We have a little bit of a presentation for you.
Can you come down?

Oh, what's up? What's with the sheet?

Not just yet, okay? Please, have a seat.

Charlie, get Frank a beer.

- Don't do airplane noises.
Just give him the beer.

- Good move.
- Why don't we get beers?

Because you're not even supposed to be here.

- Frank is the audience. Just keep your mouth shut.
- Sheet, sheet, sheet.

Okay, ready. Hey, ho, here we go!

Boom! Pool!

Charlie and I found this abandoned pool
that we used to swim in when we were kids.

- It's full of branches and shit.
- It's a big mess.

If we have a little bit of money,
we can clean it up -

- Pass.
- Just let me finish.

- I have a whole thing... Pass. It's
too much work. What else you got?

Is this 'cause you guys are still all pissed off
about not getting into that swim club?

If you guys were there,
you would know how we feel.

No, no, no. Stop yourself right there.
We would not know how it feels...

'cause Dee and I would have waltzed
right into that swim club.

Yeah, you don't lump Dennis and me
in with you. We're high class, so -

You should've seen this guy.
He would have lumped the shit out of you.

- We live in the same apartment.
- Let me explain to you guys...

a little something about how class works.

You're born into class.
It's about pedigree. It's about upbringing.

It has nothing to do
with your present circumstances.

Dennis and I were born upper class...

and therefore we currently are
and will forever remain upper class.

Frank, stop picking your teeth
for one second and back us up on this.

I quit on that shit. You understand?

I quit on it.
I don't give a rat's ass about class.

I live on the fringe.
Fringe class is where I am.

You're in the fringe class. I still maintain
that Dee and I are in the upper class.

All this talk has really got me thinking
about taking a dip.

- I'm hot as shit, Dee.
- Oh, yeah.

We could go pop a hydrant.

- We'd beat the heat that way.
- I'm not popping shit.

That's about as low class as it gets. Dee?

- Swim club.
- Swim club.

- Later, bitches.
- Okay.

Sorry, sir. We are at capacity.

Capacity? That is unbelievable...

that you would use
the word "capacity" with us.

We truly could not admit you,
even if you had the sponsors, which you don't.

Well, we know you. You could sponsor us.

I don't know what kind of idea you have
about us, but we, sir, are like you.

Uh, send a little something sweet
his way maybe.

- Oh. A little sweetness, huh?
- Want a little something sweet?

- If that's the only language he understands.
- In the mood for sweets?

Sir, please, you're just
embarrassing yourself now.

Oh, I'm embarrassing?

I'm embarrassing myself?

Said the elitist pool guy.

Dee, I don't even think I'd want to be
a part of some exclusionary pool club...

propagated by this-this man,
this-this hatemonger.

Oh, yeah, I'm with you. I bet you
don't even have any black people here.

Excuse me, ma'am, but there
is an African-American family right there.

Well, good for you. You keep a couple
of token ones around, do you?

- Parade 'em around like dancing monkeys?
- Right. Oh, no -

- I didn't mean it like that.
- Monkeys?

- It's a phrase that means performing on command.
- It's a phrase.

- It-It-It -
- Listen.

You are more than happy
to try the public pool.

Oh, can we? Well, maybe we will.

Yeah, because we have class.

And having class means being able
to mix with people that are beneath you.

- Mm-hmm.
- Come on.

Your shirt doesn't even fit, by the way.

If you wanna be an elitist,
get yourself a tailor.

Oh.

- Oh! Oh!
- No, Dee, that's...

- Severely lacking in class.
- Yeah. Too much? My bad. Got carried away.

Oh, Jesus Christ. This is like a goddamn zoo.

Uh, there's a very disturbing lack of adults here.

That girl just jumped in
with her sneakers on.

These people all have sneakers on.

You know what's happening here?

We're just experiencing
a little bit of culture shock.

These people are very different from the people
that are at our normal pool environment...

and this whole environment is very different.

And that's okay.
That's okay. It's not a bad thing.

- Dennis. Deandra.
- What are you doing here?

I tried to pop a hydrant,
but there was no lookout, so I got shut down.

I see that you have a towel.
Where did you get that?

I don't see any attendants around here.

Oh, I bartered fringe style
with that guy over there.

I gave him a bite of my hot dog,
he's letting me use his towel.

- Want a bite?
- No.

- Yo, Mac!
- Yeah.

Hey, dude. I think this right here
has got "keeper pile" written all over it.

We could probably set
some of this up strategically...

to represent where all the cool shit
in the pool's gonna be.

Like this rusty bike frame?

We could be, like,
"That's where the swim-up bar is."

- Swim-up bar. That's good, dude.
- Yeah.

Man, I got a whole plan.

We'll dip one of those cans
with the string on it into the water...

and when we're underwater,
we'll place our order.

"Two beers, please. " And when we swim
up to the top, Dennis hands them to us.

Well, I was thinking
we'd be at capacity for Dennis...

but I guess if he's serving us, then that
makes him lower than us, so that's cool.

He'll be lower than us.
Don't worry about that.

I don't wanna put a tin can in the water
with a string 'cause we're not eight.

I just thought it'd be cool.
Put it in your ear. Put it in your mouth.

Yeah, that's not cool, but -

- Well, it's classy.
- Neither.

All right. Well, you wanna pop down here
and help me chuck this mattress out?

- Yeah.
- It's the last big thing I got.

Yeah, we'll get all of this out of here.

Ooh! God, dude, it's really squishy.

Yeah, it's covered in chlorine water,
but it's clean.

There hasn't been chlorine in here
since Jamie Nelson.

But it's probably like raw sewage
that's been sitting here.

Yeah, it's got a sewagey smell.

- Yeah. All right.
- Let's just chuck it out. Ready?

- Yeah, let's get it out of here.
- Give it a boost.

- You ready?
- One, two, three.

Whoo!

- I'm strong, dude.
- I'm definitely getting stronger.

- Whoo!
- Wow, dude. This pool is sweet, man. It's super deep.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Yeah. Hey, dude, um,
how have you been getting in and out of here?

I was climbing up the mattress -
sort of like a ladder-type situation.

Aw, shit.

Well -

Are we stuck in here?

I think we're stuck.

Help!

- Help!
- Help!

- Come on!
- Come on, man.

I can't even make out an angle
to do a lap or anything.

- Ow! Son of a bitch!
- Wha-Wha-What?

I just stepped on broken glass. Ow!

Oh, my God. There are shards of broken glass
all over the bottom of the pool.

Well, now I know
why people are wearing shoes.

- Yeah. Now the shoes make a lot of sense.
- Okay. Frank.

What in the hell are you doing
with that watermelon, man?

- You ever play this game?
- No.

You grease the watermelon up,
you throw it in the pool.

Everybody goes crazy trying to grab it.
They can't grab it.

Greased watermelon!

- Here it comes! Try to grab it!
- Oh, no!

Come on.

Come on.

Ugh. I can't believe you borrowed
hot dog guy's towel.

- Yeah, well, I'm not proud of it.
- Gross.

- I have a proposition.
- I have a proposition too.

Let me walk in front of you
so you don't get your blood all over my feet.

That's fair.
Why don't we call Mac and Charlie?

I just feel like their pool
has gotta be better than this.

No. We don't want them to know
we didn't get into the private swim club.

- Oh, son of a bitch!
- What?

Which one of you little shits stole my shoes?
Goddamn it!

I'm putting out a feeler call.

Stride, stride, stride, stride, execute.

Ah! Ah!

Okay. I think I see
what the problem is though.

This move is intended for a back flip...

and what I need to do is a front flip.

If you needed a back flip,
I'd be up that wall in a second, bro.

- No, you just wouldn't -
- Yeah.

You just would not because you don't know
how to do a back flip.

- Charlie, I do back flips every single day of my life.
- No, you don't.

I have never seen you- Do a back flip
right now. Can I see one? Let's see one.

Well, I need to stay focused and conserve
energy, and that's, you know- Come on.

What if I need to do a back flip later?

You're not gonna need to!
You need to do some kind of flip now!

And you don't know how 'cause you
don't know how to flip or do karate!

All you know how to do
is talk me into doing shit...

- Where I get stuck in a pool
where I'm definitely gonna die!

Oh, wait. My phone's ringing.
Hang on. My phone's ringing.

You've had a cell phone this entire time, dude?
Are you kidding me?

Shh. Yello!

Hey, Charlie. Hey. Dennis and I were just -

No, no. Leave my name out of it.

It's Dee and Dennis, dude.
They'll rescue us.

- No, dude. Do not tell them that we're stuck in here.
- Why?

Because getting stuck in an abandoned pool
is extremely low class.

Dennis will sink his teeth into it.

I feel like if I talk to him,
it's gonna slip out.

- Just don't let it slip out.
- But I kind of wanna tell him.

- Just give me the phone.
- We're stuck in a pool!

Shh, shh.

It's Mac.

How's it going over there
in your, uh, deserted mine shaft or whatever?

It's pretty sweet here. Okay?

It's very private. Probably way more private
than your piece-of-shit pool.

Really? Well, I doubt that, you know.

Is that Mexican music?

Oh, the music.

Uh, you know,
that's- it's- You know what it is.

It's one of the attendants.
He's walking around with... a ghetto blaster...

serving us drinks and just
making us comfortable, giving us hats.

Uh- Uh -
Why does it sound so echoey over there?

Nothing but relaxation going on over here.

- It's very relaxey.
- We're stuck in the pool!

And, uh, that's probably
what you're hearing is the relaxation.

Hey! Hey! Those are my shoes!

What?

Uh, the attendant, you know,
he just walked off with my shoes...

and -
it made me mad because he didn't ask.

- But -
- But -

But it's great because in the end
I'm gonna end up with polished shoes.

You know how it goes. Okay, bye.

Damn it, dude. That private pool's awesome.
They have attendants.

Oh, my God.
Who's in attendance? How many people?

She didn't say anything -
No, people that wait on them hand and foot.

- Oh, my God. Really?
- Yes. Oh, my God.

Dude, since when do you have a cell phone?

I buy 'em all the time.

You prepay for it,
and then you buy it and you throw it away.

- There's a name for it.
- A burner?

- A burner! That's a burner.
- This is what drug dealers buy.

- Oh, really?
- This is a very specific sect of lower class, okay?

This is like- This is like felon class.

- Felon class, huh?
- God! All right, okay, so let me see.

Who are we gonna call?
We can't call the police because -

- We're trespassing.
- Yeah.

I got an idea. Let's order some food.

- Oh! Yeah.
- Yeah.

And then we'll have the delivery guy come,
and he can help us out.

Perfect. And we can get some Chinese food...

'cause that's the classiest poolside food
you can have.

Yeah, we probably shouldn't
get Chinese though...

because those delivery guys
are always Chinese...

and he won't understand
a word we're saying...

- And plus, he's probably gonna be too short.
- Ooh.

- Yeah.
- I could really go for some Chinese food though, man.

- That'd be good.
- But we're not actually eating the food.

- So... I'm gonna eat the
food, for sure. I'm starving.

You know what, dude? Let me handle it.
I'm gonna call pizza delivery.

Pizza. We're gonna get some pizza.

It'll be some big Italian lug,
and he'll fish us out of here.

- Fish sounds good. See if they have fish there.
- I'll ask.

This place is a shit-hole.
I motion for Mac and Charlie's pool.

- It just didn't sound like it was that bad over there.
- Look...

there is absolutely no way in hell
I'm letting Mac and Charlie know...

that we didn't get into that swim club.

Ow!

- What?
- What the hell?

- What? What happened?
- What was that?

- What?
- That's a rock, Dennis.

These kids are throwing rocks
at each other for fun.

What kind of savages
throw rocks at each other to have fun times?

I am done with this place.
We need to take another run at that swim club.

Yeah, well, we better
before I lose it and I drown a child.

Here you go.

We ate the watermelon.

Butter me up. I'm gonna be the watermelon
and jump in the pool.

Do my back. I can't do my back. Go ahead.

Get ready for a rock in the eye, bro.

Ahh!

- Oh!
- Oh, no.

Ow! That one really hurt.

- Truce, truce.
- That one really hurt.

- No more throwing rocks, right?
- Hello?

- Hello? Hello?
- Ho-ho!

- Hey! Hello!
- Hey!

Hey, you guys order a pizza?

You gotta be kidding me. He's Chinese.

I know, but his English sounds pretty good,
and he's big too, right?

Hey, we're stuck in this pool, dude.
Can you help us out?

- Is this a prank?
- No, no.

Look, dude, we'll pay you first,
and then help us out of here.

- Charlie, you got some cash?
- Uh, no. Shit.

Check your front pockets. What are you doing?

I cut them off 'cause they were
overshooting the bottom of my shorts.

- Forget it. I'm out of here.
- No, no, wait!

- We'll give you a gold chain.
- Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah.

- Toss it up.
- Okay.

- There you go.
- Toss that pizza down too. I'm starving.

- Wanna get some of this pizza?
- We might as well. I haven't eaten.

- Here it is.
- Oh!

- No! Dude!
- Sorry.

Hey, bro, just toss down that hose,
then you can pull us up.

- See that hose right there?
- That'd be good. Just pull us up.

- Here you go.
- That's it.

All right. Here we go.

Ah, that's perfect. That's perfect.

Hey, this chain's fake as shit, man.

I'm sorry, dude. He's white trash.

- Don't take it personally. Don't take it personally.
- I'm out of here.

- Pull us up!
- Don't go!

All right, whatever. No problem. No problem.

- You can just climb it.
- I'm just gonna climb right up.

- All right. Climb up.
- Stand back, 'cause it takes a real man to do this.

You ready, bro?

Oh! Whoa!

Aw, man!

Oh, dude.

- All right, that's it. I'm calling Dennis.
- No.

Don't you understand?
This pool is our bootstraps...

and it's lifting us up
into the middle class, dude.

Well, just accept the fact
that you're white trash, all right?

Take a look at yourself.
You can't do back flips.

You don't know karate. You're white trash!

You're white trash too, dude.
Those shorts are white trash.

Do not call the shorts white trash.

Dennis told me about these shorts.
They're not white trash.

Look at this.
Look at this. Look what I can do.

What is white trash about that?
Don't call me white trash.

I feel like if I had that kind of mobility...

I'd be capable of almost,
well, pretty much anything.

Well, yeah,
maybe then you could get the flip.

- Although I really doubt it.
- I could probably get that flip.

- Can we just call Dennis?
- Fine. Call Dennis.

Yeah- Oh, shit, dude.

I put the phone in my front pocket.

Goddamn it.

How is this gonna work? We look bad.

We're getting in this pool
if it's the last thing we do.

We just need two sponsors, and we'll get in.
Don't worry.

You don't think we should go home
and take a shower first?

- We don't have time to take a shower. Here we go.
- Oh.

Hey, hey!

- Hi, family, little ones.
- Hey!

Hi, Mom.

Sorry to jump out in front of you.

But there is a bit of a heat wave going on
in Philly right now.

- It's a terrific heat wave, and it's affecting everybody.
- It really is.

And we were looking
to cool down a little bit.

This pool,
that'd be a great place for us to cool off.

Oh, yeah. And you know what?
We just need a couple of sponsors.

Yeah, a couple of sponsors.
Hey, Dee, you're bleeding a little bit.

Is it bleeding? Is it happening?

Kids, don't touch the blood.

Hey, guys,
I got kicked out of that other pool.

This Filipino lady went crazy on me.

She started scratching me
like a velociraptor.

It stings like- Ah!

Excuse me. What is happening here?

These people are bleeding
all over the place.

- We're not bleeding all over the place.
- All over the place?

Mrs. Baines,
I am sorry if they were harassing you.

- Please have a wonderful day. We'll see you very soon.
- Hey, kids.

Listen, buddy, you gotta let us in the pool.
It's so hot.

Try to understand.

We are at capacity.

We're not at capacity,
'cause I can see the pool from here.

We are at capacity, sir!

- I'm jumping in the pool!
- Yeah. Plus I'm gonna piss in it.

I'm jumping in the pool!

All right.

You see, Charlie, this is a proper memorial.

I think Jamie Nelson would have liked this.

Yeah. I like the skateboard,
'cause Jamie loved skateboarding.

- He did like skateboarding.
- Not much of a swimmer.

- Not a very good swimmer. No, he wasn't.
- No.

Okay, well, I think we can both agree...

that we need to make sure
that his spirit does not haunt us.

Yes. We definitely wanna ward off his spirit.

- So if you know any voodoo or whatever,
go ahead and... Should we join hands?

Well, it's not called voodoo, okay?
This is the Lord our Savior.

- All right. Okay.
- Okay, here we go.

Lamb of God who takes away -

What is that? There's a lamb?

- Charlie, let me do my thing.
- I'll just let you do your thing. All right.

Lamb of God who taketh away
the souls of the world -

Don't take his soul and get his soul out.

You don't have to provide any kind of -
Let me just do my thing.

I just wanna be sure
we get that spirit out of here.

# Lamb of God who takes away the sins of #

Alligator tooth and snakeskin -

- Don't undermine my prayer with voodoo.
- Okay. Prayer.

- Don't do it.
- I won't do it.

- # Lamb of God who takes- #
- Alligator tooth and snakeskin spirit...

take this spirit out of this pool.

If you're not gonna take this seriously -

I'm taking it perfectly seriously.

- Where the hell is -
- Oh! Nice.

This place is a shit-hole, huh?

I don't know
why I thought it would look any different.

- Get your spirit out of here.
- Hey, guys.

- Hey!
What the hell are you doing down there?

- Nothing. We're just hanging out.
- We got stuck in this -

Shut up. Shut up.
We're good. We're good. We're good.

We're good. We're just chillin'.

This is pathetic. The word "trashy"
just doesn't even do it justice.

Whatever. What are you guys even doing here?

Go back to your fancy pool. We're fine.

Fancy pool got... old after a while.

Wait a second.
You guys didn't get into the pool, did you?

- What?
- What?

Oh, my God. You sons of bitches.

You didn't get in.
Admit that you are low class, just like us.

I'm not admitting shit
because I did get into that pool.

- I just got tired of swimming in it.
- Then why are you here?

- Why are you piping in, trash? You shut
your mouth, trash. - You're swimming in this -

Why are you calling me trash?
I defended you earlier 'cause of these shorts.

You're the ones that are trash.

Sitting in the bottom of a pool
that's filled with trash, like trash.

You guys are white trash. Admit it right now.

I hope you trash bags die at the bottom
of this pool like Jamie Nelson did.

- Don't bring Jamie Nelson into this!
- Forget about it. Stop it.

Just stop it.

I think I have a way
for us to beat the heat tonight...

Philly style.

Yeah!

- Oh, yes!
- Hit us, baby!

Dee, get the cup.

- Get the cup.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes! All right!

All right!

Yeah!

Watch your balls.