It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 10 - Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats - full transcript

When you come face-to-face
with something like that...

what are you supposed to do?

You just have to laugh.

- Hey, buddy.
- Yeah, what's going on there, pal?

Oh, my God. I just found a rat's nest.

Slaughtered about 200 of 'em.

Two-Two hundred? Couldn't be. That's -

Jesus Christ.

It's like -

It's like whole generations of those things
have died at my hands, and -

mothers, fathers,
grandfathers, little baby rats.

Oh, yeah.

- Wow.
- Well, you know, keep up the good work.

Yeah.

Sometimes I wonder though if...

our lives are
really more valuable than theirs.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

- They are.
- Yeah.

- Our lives are, definitely. Yeah.
- Without a doubt.

- Yeah.
- Without a doubt.

If that makes you feel any -

- Yeah, well -
- Mm-hmm.

I suppose I oughta -

Get back to it?

- Yep.
- Jump right back in there, tiger.

Get on the horse, Charlie. Bash. Bash 'em up.

- Do what you do best.
- All right. Thanks, guys.

- I just gotta go the bathroom.
- Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- All right, man. He touched me with it.
- Ugh! God, what a life, huh?

- Today's his birthday.
- Are you kidding me?

- Poor guy- on a day like this.
- Oh, my God.

We ought to do something nice for him.

- Definitely. Yeah. Absolutely.
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh. You wanna get him a new rat stick?
- That's a good idea.

I was thinking maybe
we should throw him a surprise party.

He is really bummed.
I guess we could do something nice for him.

Definitely. For one day...

let's make the poor bastard feel special.

For one day,
let's make this lowly rat killer feel like a king.

Yes.

In the simplest -

- Easiest way.
- Easiest -

I'm tired today, you know?

Here it is. I got it.

I'm thinking we go with a Hawaiian trip-hop...

- Underground luau theme.
- What?

- Hmm?
- What even is that?

Charlie's been hanging around
with this guy Duncan from under the bridge...

and he runs with this rough crowd...

and they're all into this
Hawaiian underground shit, you know?

And I made a little list of stuff
that would really support that theme.

"Fill bar with sand. Roast wild pig.

Invite Duncan and crew."

Ooh, this seems like a whole lot of work.

- Does anybody really even like surprise parties anyway?
- I don't.

What the hell's the matter with you?
How did you get so cynical?

- Cynical?
- You can't even get excited to give your friend a party.

Giving somebody a birthday party -
a surprise party -

is one of the greatest things
you can do for him.

- Okay, Frank, all right, all right.
- All right.

Well, maybe we are being a little cynical.

Clearly, this means a lot to you, so fine.

- We'll jump on board with the party. What's the plan?
- Okay.

- The plan is you guys execute this list.
- Mm-hmm.

I am gonna take Charlie
to the spa for a day to distract him.

Hold on. Why do you get to spend the day
at a spa while we do all the legwork?

Because I got these two coupons in the mail.

Okay, I'm pregnant,
and you haven't offered me coupons...

or spa days or roasted pigs or surprises
or any of those fun things.

Oh, oh, okay.
Well, in the interest of not being cynical...

and doing shit for other people...

I'm gonna suggest that we give
the two coupons to Dee...

and she does the spa thing.

- Surprise.
- Perfect. Thank you. All right, cool.

I will take this coupon and sneak out
the back so Charlie doesn't see me.

- Oh, wait, wait. What? What?
- What?

No, you have to take Charlie
with you to the spa.

- That's the whole thing. You have to
distract him. That's... Oh, shit. Yeah.

Frank, you might be right
about us getting cynical.

I just -
I just jumped straight to default...

and was gonna throw
this second coupon in the trash.

- Right. - But the Charlie thing -
We're doing the Charlie thing.

Okay. I got it. I'm on it.

Okay.

Hey, Charlie!

Hey, listen, uh,
you've been really stressed...

so I thought I would take you for a spa day,
just you and me.

A what day?

- A spa day.
- What is this word "spa"?

I feel like you're starting to say a word
and you're not finishing it.

Are you trying to say "spaghetti"?
Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?

No, Charlie,
I wasn't trying to take you for a spaghetti day.

Oh, God, you know what? It doesn't matter.

It's okay. That's all right.
I'm doing something nice here.

Tell you what.
Let's go to a movie. Wanna go to a movie?

Dee, I go to a movie or a spaghetti place
with you, and out there, I'm the rat.

What if I guarantee you that nobody
out there will put you into a bag...

and bash you against a telephone pole?

Would that comfort you at all?

No. That's a guarantee
you can't make, Dee, all right?

- I'll tell you what.
- That's why I'm building this little puppy.

- Yeah. Don't do- Okay.
- And no one's getting bashed.

If you don't come with me to the movie...

I'm gonna take this raccoon of yours
and bash it into a telephone pole.

No! I can't take
any more bashing today, all right?

- Let's go. This will be fun.
- All right, let's go.

- Dennis.
- Yeah?

Check that box of tiki torches.
Start setting those up.

- What, this?
- Yeah, that box there.

- What is this? We didn't put this in here.
- Surprise!

- What is that? What'd you do?
- I got you a present, bro.

I'm trying to be less cynical. And Frank is
totally right. The surprise is the way to go.

- So you got me a gift.
- Yes.

While we were picking up the decorations,
I slipped out...

and I got you something
I think you're gonna like.

- Okay, all right.
- Okay.

- Ah!
- Oh!

Oh! Shirt! I love this shirt.

That's great, man. Thank you.

- This isn't the shirt that I picked out.
- Yeah. No. Well, no.

- What is this?
- It's the shirt that I- that I picked out.

But that's cool.

Here's the thing, man. I -

I got a little suspicious
when you slipped out earlier...

and so I followed you into the store...

and I saw that you were about to make
a really bad choice...

and then you did make that choice
and you bought that other shirt.

It was a bad shirt.
It was an ugly shirt- hideous really.

So I grabbed that shirt out of the bag
when you weren't looking...

and I returned it and I bought myself
this shirt, which isn't hideous.

- And so, surprise.
- That was a good shirt.

No.

This brings me no joy at all.

I feel nothing.

I feel like you just stole money from me...

and then you bought yourself a...

- Shirt.
- A shirt with your money.

- Yeah.
- Well, that is what happened.

That is a ridiculous price, and you know it.

Supposing I bought a pig unseasoned
and dressed it myself?

Then what? What then?

Well, that's not
what Jerry Carelli said, asshole.

Ha! Pitting two pig dealers
against each other.

- Ah, sure.
- Frank, are you sure about this luau thing?

- It's a ton of work.
- Yeah. Does Charlie even know what a luau is?

I doubt Charlie can even say the word "luau."

How do you know that this is what he wants?

Well, because I read it in his dream book.

- His what? His dream book?
- Yeah.

Charlie keeps a book
of dreams and aspirations.

They're mostly in pictures and symbols...

but he has been obsessing
about this luau thing...

since we met Duncan under the bridge.

Okay, now, my first instinct...

when you say things
about meeting people under bridges...

is to berate you for hanging out
with people under a bridge...

and to say to you,
"Why do you hang out with these people?

You and Charlie shouldn't be asso-"

But I'm not gonna say anything
because I don't wanna be cynical anymore.

I'm not gonna say anything. I'm -

- Maybe the bridge is exciting.
- The bridge is awesome.

Ooh. It's probably pretty cool.

Ooh. Hold on a second.

Hey. It's the other pig guy.

Ha. So you come crawling back,
you cheap sack of shit.

You can't bring food into the theater.

Hmm? Oh, no, I'm not.

- I-I bought it over there with that food.
- No, you didn't.

How do you know that?

Because we don't serve spaghetti...

and I just watched you walk in with it.

You called my bluff, sir.
I shall dispose of this posthaste.

A moment, please.

Dee, pop this into your purse real quick.

No. Absolutely not. No.
Why did you have to bring spaghetti -

You got me hankering for spaghetti
and I want it.

- Just eat it fast and we'll go.
- No. I wanna enjoy it and watch the movie.

- It's gonna make a mess in my purse.
- I'm leaving...

- Because the spaghetti is the whole deal for me.
- Goddamn it.

Just put it in. Be careful. This is so stupid.

- And there we go! Got rid of it.
- Great. Thank you.

Okay. Look at this place, Dee.
Look at the size of this place.

- What does 3D even stand for?
- Third dimension.

Just- Please stop talking.

Third dimen- What dimension are we in?

Shh. Charlie, I don't know.

Isn't stuff supposed to pop out at us?

I don't know.
I'm not sure. Let's watch and find out.

Whoa!

- Did you see that?
- Yeah, I saw that.

That came right at you. Is this safe?

- Are you kidding me?
- Well, I don't know.

Take the glasses off
if you're uncomfortable, okay?

- But then everything's blurry.
- Then put the glasses on and shut the hell up.

- Shh.
- You shh.

See, stuff's not safe. Uh-oh.

Whoa. What happened to my meatball?

- Would you shut up?
- Oh, no.

- I bet it flew off when I -
- Okay, you are a sleuth.

You've gotten to the bottom of it.
That's very exciting.

- Now shut up.
- Let me just find it. I'm sorry.

- Charlie, sit down.
- Did you see a meatball over here?

If you don't sit down and shut up
and watch the movie...

I'm gonna attack you.

I don't care how pregnant I am,
I'm gonna attack you.

- I got it. I got it.
- You got it? Good. Sit down.

- Got the meatball.
- Sit down!

- Quiet down!
- The movie's boring.

You- How would you -
You're not watching the movie.

Uh-oh.

- You're not gonna like this.
- What happened?

- Ah, nuts. Some spaghetti spilled in your purse a little bit.
- Oh, shit.

Want your spaghetti, Charlie?
You want your spaghetti?

- Here's your spaghetti.
- Oh, don't dump it on the ground like that.

- Shut up and watch the movie.
- I don't wanna shut up and watch the movie.

Can't eat spaghetti.
Can't follow the movie. Doesn't make sense.

- I'm going back to the bar. I'm taking the spaghetti.
- Go to the bar.

- Excuse me.
- Shut up!

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

Dude, I just saw another rat.

There's definitely
a ton of rats in here, that's for sure.

I see him.

- Oh, shit.
- We gotta distract him.

- I'll tell him the keg exploded.
- That's a stupid idea.

- That's a stupid idea. We're going with the burst pipe.
- I like the keg idea.

Your ideas are so stupid. Go with
the burst pipe. That would never happen.

- Whatever. We gotta go.
- A keg would never explode.

Hey, Charlie! Charlie! Charlie boy!

Hey, where'd you get those glasses, bud?

Oh, these? They're just, like,
third-dimension glasses, you know?

Don't really work though,
'cause I feel like I'm still seeing stuff...

in whatever dimension we live in.

- Uh, right.
- Yeah.

You can't really go in the bar right now, bro.

- Why not?
- A keg exploded.

- A pipe -
- Yeah.

Holy shit. Can that happen?

A piece of metal flew off the keg
and hit Dennis in the dick.

Holy shit! Are you okay?

Yeah. No, I-I'm fine. I got lucky.

It mashed right into it.
We all thought he was gonna lose it.

Charlie, it lumped it up and mangled it
like a chicken potpie down there.

- Oh, God.
- Dickless Dennis.

- No. It's totally fine. - That's what
we should call him- Dickless Dennis.

Oh, Dickless Dennis. But it doesn't apply...

because my dick totally went back to normal,
and it's fine now.

- I'll show it to you.
- I don't wanna see it.

- Moving on, how was the spa?
- Spa?

Sp- Uh- Oh, spaghetti. How's my spaghetti?
Dee threw it on the floor.

The spa. The spa that Dee took you to.

Oh, no, she took me to a movie.

Yeah, it was lame.
I couldn't understand it. Made no sense.

That cynical bitch.

Hello. I would like to redeem this coupon.

- Go ahead and toss this one in the trash for me.
- Busted! See?

- You're busted, Dee.
- What?

- What are you guys doing here?
- I'm taking Charlie to the spa because he's stressed.

A keg exploded in the bar.
Blew Dennis's dick off.

- No, no. My dick is fine, Dee.
- It's a mess down there. It's a monster.

- Let me have those coupons.
- No. You said I could have them.

Dee, you were supposed to take Charlie.

I tried to take Charlie,
but he refused to go.

What is your spaghetti policy here?

Are you hearing this? Are you hearing this?

- He doesn't belong in a place like this.
- All right, come on.

We're wasting time.

Go get Duncan and the bridge crew
and bring them to the bar.

- I'll occupy Charlie.
- No.

Where's the robes?

I think this is it, right here.

- This is sketchy as hell.
- Yeah.

Hey. Um, yeah, we're looking for Duncan.

- Oh, let's go.
- Oh, yeah, we should take that as a sign, right?

Come on in.

Yeah?

You pregnant.

Come on now.

- What is happening in here?
- I don't know.

- Come on now.
- All right.

Mr. Duncan, we were wondering
if we could talk to you about -

I ain't no Duncan. It's this nigga right here
about to go level three and shit.

- What's up?
- Oh, you're Duncan.

Mr. Duncan, we were wondering if you
could come to a surprise party for Charlie.

Who?

Charlie. He's Frank's friend.

You guys have all been hanging out
under a bridge.

Oh, yeah. Frank. I know that bitch.

Okay. Hey, listen.
Frank mentioned that you might be willing -

Oh, shit! Level three, son!

Yo! Level three!

Guys, come over here. This is bizarre, okay?

Charlie should not have anything
to do with these people. They are deranged.

Frank has too much influence
over this whole thing, all right?

- I think we gotta stop and think about what Charlie wants.
- Yeah.

We need to get our hands
on Charlie's dream book...

and figure out what that kid wants ourselves.

- Mother pus bucket!
- You piece of shit! You broke my wall!

What I tell you? Huh, son?

- Should we call the police?
- No, no. Let's just go.

- Let's get the hell out of here.
- All right.

Charlie, let's go. Get in here.

- Oh! Ooh!
- Whew!

Hey, guys, the management
needs everybody to get out...

because they caught a guy
jerking off in here...

and they're gonna send in a crew
to wipe down the loads.

Go ahead. Go on. Let's go.

God, it's terrible. It's really disgusting.

Ah. Okay.

Get rid of all the strange dongs.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- A little bit.
- I don't get it, man.

What's so relaxing about sitting around
in a hot, wet room?

It's all about opening up your pores, Charlie.

- Yeah.
- Take your robe off.

Yeah. That's it.

You got your clothes on.
You gotta take your clothes off.

What? No way, dude.
I'm not getting naked in public.

Suit yourself, all right?

- I am going to roast like a pig.
- All right.

I'm gonna eat spaghetti.

Oh, God.

Whoa. Hey, guys, guys, guys.

I bet you this is it. "Dram- Dram bach."
I bet that means "dream book."

Yeah. Look at this- pictures and symbols.

I don't see anything about our stupid luau,
but, uh, this looks weird.

- What do you make of that, guys?
- That looks like a drawing of a pair of jeans.

A plus sign and a chicken.

"Denim chicken."

Denim chicken.

Okay, guys, my gut is telling me
to throw this book in the trash.

- Well, yeah.
- It's absolute nonsense.

We're all feeling the same things,
but we need to fight that instinct.

We have to throw a party for Charlie.
It's so simple.

- If we can't do that, what does that say about us?
- You're right.

This isn't about us. Let's not be cynical.
Let's do what the kid wants.

If he wants a werm... hat -

- Worm hat.
- Worm hat.

How do we get him a worm hat?
I don't know what that is.

- Maybe there's a drawing or- What is that?
- That's a bird with teeth.

It sure is.

We don't have a lot of time.
Let's figure out the best we can do.

- We can do it.
- We'll do these things. We'll do these things.

- Okay.
- Let's go. Okay.

Dude, how much longer
do we have to stay in here?

Come on. Just relax. Take your clothes off.

I feel trapped in here, Frank.

I'm trapped like a rat.

Holy shit,
I'm trapped like a rat, aren't I?

- No, you're not, Charlie.
- I'm a rat in here!

I'm a rat!
I'm trapped like a -

I gotta get out of here.
- Calm down, Charlie.

I'm tired of being in weird places, Frank,
'cause I'm trapped like a rat.

Calm down, Charlie.
Calm down. Relax. All right, all right.

- I gotta get out of here!
- Now calm down.

- How do I get this off?
- Take it easy.

Charlie.

- Take it easy.
- Just bash me, Frank.

- I'm not gonna bash you, Charlie.
- Just bash me like a rat!

Bash me like a rat and get it over with!

Oh. Sorry, guys.

Just let me know when you're done.

I'm the guy who wipes down the loads.

Hurry up.

- I'm not wearing this stupid thing, and that's it.
- It's a lei.

Surprise!

What the shit is this? Where's my luau?

- We went around you, Frank.
- Yeah.

- Happy birthday, Charlie.
- Happy birthday.

Happy birthday? Oh.

Is that why you guys were doing
all that weird shit with me today?

Yeah. We were trying to distract you
so we could plan your party.

Thanks, guys. Yeah.
It's not my birthday though.

- Hmm?
- It's not your birthday?

- No.
- No, dicks. It's my birthday.

- Wha -
- Are you kidding me?

- No, I'm not kidding you.
- Wait a second.

Were you trying to get us
to plan your surprise party?

Why wouldn't you just plan it yourself?

Well, that's lame.

This way I get my surprise party...

and I give you the satisfaction
of doing something nice for somebody.

- Oh, my God.
- That is not doing something nice. That is tricking us.

- Son of a bitch.
- Where's Duncan?

You should not be hanging out with Duncan.

You should not be associating
with people like that.

I'm saying it. I don't care.
It's coming out of my mouth.

Those weird bridge people that are like -

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

All that "hawwoowin lauow"?

- I knew he couldn't say it.
- Luau. Luau.

- What is it? Hello.
- Luau. Luau.

- It's not a word.
- Huh?

What do we got going on over here, guys?

Well, Charlie,
when we thought it was your birthday...

we went through your dream book and we tried to
re-create some of the stuff we found in there.

Yes, that's okay. Um -

- Denim chicken?
- Yes!

Yeah, denim chicken.

- Now I got to reroute the pig delivery.
- Nobody gives a shit.

- So we also have the bird, with teeth.
- Yep.

Wow! Okay.

And I'm assuming the teeth are fake, yes?

Yes. Well, they're not real human teeth,
if that's what you're asking me.

No, did you discover a bird with teeth
in this fashion?

- That does not exist in nature.
- Okay.

I'm not sure about that,
but either way, good glue work.

Do any of you assholes
wanna know how old I am?

- Whatever, Frank.
- Nobody -

- All right, so -
- Charlie, this is my favorite part.

We weren't quite sure
what a worm hat was, right?

So we made a few of 'em.
This is the first one.

It's a hat made of worms, okay?

And then option number two
is a hat that you put on.

And when you do that,
you look like maybe you're a worm.

- Like a worm, yeah. - And then the
third one- and this is the best one -

is a hat for your worm.

Your teeny tiny little worm
gets a teeny tiny little hat.

If you want him to be fancy.

- So which one is it?
- Which one were you talking about?

Well, I don't recall ever writing "worm hat."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was in your dream book. Your -

Oh!
"Wermhat."

That's a German guy. His name's Hans
Wermhat. He appears in my dreams.

He drives a biplane and he shoots it at me,
and I run through a field.

You know what?
You guys blow. I'm gonna go find Duncan.

- Go! Go!
- Get lost! Wow! Guys!

Wow! The denim chicken,
the bird with teeth, Wermhat's worm hat.

I don't know what to say, man.
This is just what I needed today.

Guess what, buddy. There's one more thing.

Is that what I think it is?

- That's a new rat stick, dude.
- Yeah.

And you can bash up a whole bunch of rats
with one quick strike...

- So it's more humane.
- Yeah?

Oh, man.

- What do you think?
- Oh, you like it?

- I love it. I mean -
- Aw.

I don't know what to say
'cause no one's ever really, um -

I don't know what to say, guys.

You don't have to say anything, man.

Maybe I could give it a quick whirl
in the basement...

and see if I could kill a couple rats.

- Absolutely. You've earned it.
- You should.

Go bash 'em up, buddy.

Whoo!

- What a life.
- Yeah.