It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens - full transcript

The gang attempts to create a merchandising angle for Paddy's when a convention comes to Philly.

Hello, Charlie Kelly here,

local business owner and

Is your cat making too much

noise all the time?

Is your cat constantly stomping

around, driving you crazy?!

Is your cat clawing at your

furnitures?

Think there's no answer?

You're so stupid!

There is!

Kitten Mittens.

Finally, there's an elegant

comfortable mitten for cats.

I couldn't hear anything.

Is your cat one-legged?

Is your cat fat, skinny, or an

in-between?

That doesn't matter

'cause one size fits all.

Kitten Mittens: you'll be

smitten.

So come on down to Paddy's Pub.

We're the home of the Original

Kitten Mittens.

Me-ow!

So, lately, at night,

I've been forced to fall asleep

to the deafening sound of, like,

a hundred alley cats tapping on

my windows, trying to get in.

You know what I mean?

Thus, Kitten Mittens, right?

I'm making a quieter cat.

And then I made the sales tape

when I heard about the

merchandising convention.

Ooh, question.

Mac, go.

Uh, what merchandising convention?

They're having one down at

the Sheraton, all right?

So I figured what a better place

to, like, find investors for my

product?

What do moronic

Kitten Mittens have to do with

our bar?

Okay, one: they're not

moronic, they're awesome, and

two: uh, nothing.

Uh, Charlie, I

kinda like this.

I might jump in on this with you

here.

I think it's a good idea.

We could do T-shirts; we could

do beach towels, those nudie

pens.

It's about time, you know, we

get some merchandise in here and

I start making some money off

this place.

What? What are you talking

about?

You're not gonna make any money

off this place.

You don't own a piece of the bar.

No, but I own a hundred

percent of the merchandising.

It's in my contract.

What contract?

The contract you had me sign

when I first started working

here.

What?!

Dee, we got you to sign that

contract so we could pay you

less than minimum wage, okay?

We're never gonna merchandise

anything in the bar.

But now we are.

To be honest, I don't even

remember signing any kind of

contract.

Oh, you don't remember.

Did it slip your mind?

That's okay 'cause it's right

here.

I keep it in this drawer so that

you two jerks don't try...

Hey, hey, wait, what are you

doing?!

You son of a bitch!

Well, that doesn't nullify it,

you know.

Oh, why, do you have another

copy?

I... don't!

I don't, but you can't just go

eat a contract!

He just did eat it.

All right, I'm talking to a

lawyer about this.

You don't have a leg

to stand on.

Yeah, go ahead.

This is making me think maybe

I should slap a patent on my

Kitten Mittens before you guys

try and steal that, too, huh?

I can see it in your eyes.

You're all over this, aren't

you?

You know, I gotta say, Mac,

my instinct to steal this idea

is very strong.

Kitten Mittens?

No, idiot, merchandising in

the bar.

I'm thinking we take this

merchandising convention as an

opportunity to make merchandise

for Paddy's.

Right.

You know, like, expand our

brand, you know, make a little

money!

Who's gonna buy merchandise

through a bar that they've never

been to?

Uh, hello, Frank?

I've never been to Fiji.

All right, well, how about,

like, hard-boiled eggs from

Paddy's Bar?

Green eggs, it says "Paddy's" on

'em, you keep 'em on your desk

when you go to work?

Who's gonna want to keep a

hard-boiled egg on their desk

at work?

Oh, all right, then you put

it on your dashboard of your

car.

It's just a jumping-off point.

Frank, keeping hard-boiled

eggs on your desktop or the

dashboard of your car is not a

jumping-off point.

Get the hell out of here, all

right?

Let us concentrate on doing the

merchandising idea.

Clearly you don't get it, so...

I don't get it?!

You don't get it!

I don't get it?!

You don't get it!

Oh, yeah?!

We'll see who doesn't get it!

Okay.

Yeah!

All right!

All right, Charlie, remember,

this lawyer is not a big fan of

ours.

We're probably gonna have to

turn the charm up a little bit

in the beginning, you know

what I mean?

I got a plan on how we can do

that, too.

You see this picture of his wife

right here?

What if we, like, compliment

her good looks?

That, you know, gets us off on

a good foot, right?

Are you kidding me?

That woman looks like a

stone-cold bitch,

and you know it.

And he knows it 'cause he turns

the picture away from him.

Well, I'm trying to make

lemonade here.

Uh-oh!

How did you get in here?!

Hey-ey-ey-ey!

Oh, we just...

There's the man!

...the old-fashioned way:

with doors and feet and walked.

You know, we were just

having a conversation about how

lovely your wife is.

I was was not participating

in that conversation 'cause I

don't find her lovely.

I think you're better than that.

I think you can do better than

that, and I mean that as a

compliment.

You are aware that there are

other lawyers in Philadelphia?

But the three of us have a

history.

Sure.

We have a past, if you will.

And Charlie and I really like

the fact that you don't charge.

I do charge, okay?

You don't pay.

We're both men of the law,

you know?

We get after it, you know?

We jabber-jaw, we go tit-for-

tat, we have our little

differences, but at the end of

the day, you win some, I win

some, and there's a mutual

respect left over between us.

No, any respect that you're

feeling that's coming from me is

a mistake on your part.

Then I'll just regress

because I feel like I've made

myself myself perfectly

Yes, you have.

I'm lost, so I'm just gonna

get down to brass tacks.

I got a question for you.

Does a legal document hold up

in a court of law if it has been

ingested by the other party?

I'm not sure.

Now mind you, the heretofore

document had, had dry ink on it

for at least many forknights,

uh, hereto...

We signed it a long time ago.

It was a long time ago

signed.

I'm also gonna need a patent for

the Kitten Mittens.

I'm sure you do.

I was gonna ask you, "Hey, need

Kitten Mitten patents?"

That's them.

I'm sorry, sir, but they locked

me in a closet.

Yo, dude-dude-dude, I'm ready

to show you my idea.

Me, too. All right, let me go

first, bro.

No, I tell you what.

Let me show you mine, and then

you can go first.

Then I'd be going second.

Yeah, great, okay, now

listen, when we're selling stuff

at Paddy's, I think we need to

be selling a certain attitude,

right?

One that reflects our

take-no-prisoners,

rock-and-roll lifestyle.

Okay?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Now what says that more than

this?

Huh? Paddy's Thong, dude!

Paddy's Thong!

You're wearing women's

underwear.

Yeah, bro, you bet your ass

I'm wearing women's underwear.

What's more sexual than a

high-waisted thong riding high

up a woman's backside?

Nothing. Dude, come on.

Paddy's Thongs, it's gonna be a

huge hit with chicks.

Okay, all right.

Uh, question.

Yeah, Mac, go.

Dennis, are women gonna

want to buy their underpants in

a bar?

No, women will not buy their

underwear in a bar, but men will

buy the underwear for their

women in the bar because it's

not for women, it's for men.

It's a visual stimulant, bro.

I'm not wearing these because

I'm comfortable, I'm wearing

them 'cause I want to turn you

on, you know what I'm saying?

You get it?

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, bro, it's visual

stimulation.

Can I go now?

Yeah, sure.

'Cause it's kind of...

I've been waiting for a long

time. Okay.

Okay, I'm thinking to myself,

what do people love more than

anything else in the world?

Uh...

They love comedy!

They do love comedy.

Everybody loves comedy,

right?

So, and I'm funny, I-I can do

funny.

But you got to have

functionality with your comedy,

okay?

You can't just go throwing

jokes around willy-nilly.

Oh.

So I did one of those.

You drew a man's buttocks

on a towel.

Yeah.

You get out of the shower in the

college dorm, they got the butt,

right, and people are laughing.

Your buddies are laughing.

And then, and then you give them

one of these.

Boom.

Oh, that is big!

That's a big monster dick.

That's huge.

That's the biggest dick

you ever seen.

Yeah, that's really...

That's not how you see yourself

though?

That's funny.

That is funny.

That's funny.

Yeah, people are gonna laugh

at that.

But, bro, that's just the

What is it?

For this.

Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!

Oh, it's a baby dick.

Yeah!

We're gonna sell a million of these.

We are gonna sell a

We'll do black ones and

yellow ones for the Asians.

Yeah, that...

This is probably more Asian

than anything else.

Yeah, oh, my gosh.

Maybe a little bit more bush.

You know what we should do?

We should set up a Web site for

it.

Already did it.

You did?

Oh, my God.

You don't think I know

Oh, Jesus Christ!

I don't get it?!

Huh? Open your mouth, bitch!

What?!

Prepare to be blasted, bitch.

Brenda!

This is my new merchandising

idea.

It's a gun that shoots liquor

into your mouth.

You threw tequila in my eye!

Well, I haven't figured out

how to get the tequila to come

out of the barrel of the gun.

Well, what the hell does she

have to do with anything?

Check her out.

I mean, she's gorgeous.

You bring a woman with cans like

that into the convention, you

sell the idea in a second.

So this is your plan?

You're gonna go into the

convention waving a gun in

people's faces, throwing tequila

in everybody's eyes with a

big-titted woman?

Duh, yeah.

Frank, get the hell out of

here!

Your ideas are ridiculous!

Okay, okay.

Suck on this, bitches.

Huh? Huh?

Paddy's Pub.

A stress ball.

You give this to people, they

put it on their desk, and then

during the day, you squeeze it

when you have any tension.

Right.

Oh, goddamn it, Frank!

That's just an egg!

It's a jumping-off point.

Get out!

All right.

Get the hell out of here!

Just get the hell out of here.

Don't even listen to them.

Jesus Christ.

Okay, we're stealing that

gunshot idea, right?

Gunshot idea is awesome.

You see any sign of that

lawyer or his secretary?

No, and I don't know

why you think we're gonna catch

them having an affair.

I mean, the guy's wife is really

hot.

No, she's not.

And also, why does he turn her

picture away from him?

So he doesn't have to look at

her face.

Why are we in this shady motel

where we saw him go in?

I'm telling you, he's-he's

banging that secretary.

I don't know.

It just doesn't add up.

She's an attractive lady.

You don't cheat on...

She's not attractive.

Oh, my God!

What?

The woman in the room right

next to him, she just ate an

entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy!

Charlie, could you focus on

the lawyer's room, please?

We're not here to blackmail a

lady for eating too many

cookies.

Did you say an entire sleeve

though?

An entire sleeve!

That's a lot of cookies.

She a big lady?

Of course, she's a humungous

lady.

Yeah, of course.

Oh, shit, I see him.

He's walking towards the car.

He's walking towards the car!

Get down! Shh!

Why's he coming towards us?!

Get down and hold still.

All right.

Um, so what are you people doing

in my car now?

Okay, let me explain that.

Uh...

Yeah.

We were staking you out last

night, kind of spying on you.

It got a little cold.

Freezing, wasn't it?

Did you feel that?

So we jimmied your lock and

we kind of spent the night in

here.

Okay, uh, so why were you

spying on me all night?

Because you're having an

affair and we're gonna blackmail

you for your services.

Okay, I hate to disappoint

you, but I am not having an

affair.

Oh, yeah?

Then why do you turn your wife's

picture away from your desk so

you don't have to look at her

face?

Why are you staying in this

seedy motel?

And why does it look like you've

been crying all night.

I'll tell you what I think.

I think you feel guilty.

All right, listen, if you

must know...

my wife is leaving me.

And I have to sleep in this

fleabag motel.

And I am still very much in love

with my wife, which makes this

divorce very difficult.

Thus, you have the turning away

of the photo, and you have, you

know, the crying episodes and

the what-have-you.

Sad.

Okay, that's our bad.

That-- it all comes together.

That makes a lot of sense,

though.

In a different way than I

thought...

Coming-- is the picture sort

of coming together for you?

You must be all ripped up

about that.

So do you want to have a

conversation about helping us

out with our Kitten Mitten patent?

Yeah, I've got this

contract...

You know what? If, um...

Why don't you get out of my car?

Why don't you just get out of

my car.

You've had a hard

couple of days.

Okay, consumer, are you ready

to get blasted in the mouth by

Paddy's shotgun?!

One, two, three!

Goddamn it, dude!

You just cannot blast water out

of a gun.

The technology is just not

there.

No, I mean, they did sort of

figure it out with water guns,

so I don't know why we...

Yeah, but a water gun doesn't

have the same feel to it.

You want to feel the weight

of a real gun in your mouth.

You want to taste the metal.

You want to feel the steel, man,

you know?

Okay, bro, new plan.

Yeah.

Let's just make a video,

show that at the convention.

Not like Charlie's video

though.

Ours needs to be cool.

No, no, dude, way cooler than

Charlie's.

With, like, quick cuts and

awesome music and eagles

flying through the air and

picking up trout out of rivers

and shit, ripping it apart and

eating it, you know?

That'll excite people!

Yeah.

They'll want to invest.

And then we'll let the braniacs

in China figure out the

technology.

Yeah, but the point is, it's

got to really grab people's

attention, you know what I mean?

All right, I did a little

tweaking and...

What is that?

Paddy's shotgun, bro!

You get blasted in the mouth!

You stole my idea!

No, no, no, Frank, we tweaked

your idea.

We took what was a good idea and

we made it a great idea.

We're also gonna get a bustier

chick.

No offense, ma'am.

You're very busty.

Your breasts are very large.

But, uh, we want to go weird

with it.

We want to get really freakish.

Um, I would like to get your

number actually though at some

point.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, look!

You can't just take somebody's

idea, change the name of it,

and then sell it.

That's the American way, bro.

Yeah!

Yeah, take a look at Hard

Rock Cafe.

Got tweaked by Planet Hollywood.

Coke got tweaked by Pepsi.

Transformers got tweaked by

Gobots.

Our job is to step aside and let

the consumer decide.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm gonna get a patent for

this and sue your balls off!

And we're gonna get a

patent, too, Frank, so screw

you.

Kiss it.

Knock, knock.

Boyfriend!

Hey, we got you a little

something to take your mind off

your current wife situation.

Sandy, have a seat right here.

Yeah, yeah.

This is Sandy!

Yep, and everything's been

taken care of financially, okay?

She's been briefed on the

divorce.

She knows all about

everything that's going on.

And, you know, because you've

been talking about the whole

money thing a little bit...

Yeah, you said that we hadn't

paid you, and we felt bad about

that.

So we're kind of hoping that

this is sort of a compensation

of sorts.

Sandy does that.

Sandy.

She's the payment.

Lawyer, check out this

freakish whore we found.

Hey.

Whoa.

What the hell are you guys doing

here?

I came to see the lawyer to

sue you for breach of contract.

What's with the busty chick?

We're gonna throw a patent on

her and a couple of other

things.

Now I see that you have a lovely

busty woman as well.

Yeah.

We brought one.

Well, she's a lady of the

night, so...

She's a prostitute.

So, you know, don't get too

excited.

And she's his lady because

he's going through a messy

divorce...

Yeah, we paid her.

...so we're going to have

them have some sexual relations

as sort of a payment.

Oh, wow, divorce, huh?

That's never fun.

Oh, yeah, no, it's terrible.

He's all broken up about it.

She left him, probably because

he cheated on her, I'm guessing,

'cause look what a cold bitch

she is.

It's a mess.

He's been crying.

I'll tell you what, buddy.

I can help you out.

I'm gonna toss a frame bang

your way.

Now here's how that works.

I slip into your house one night

while your wife is sleeping, and

I ease into her real nice.

And that way you're both

cheating on each other and she

can't clean you out.

That's a win-win.

Goddamn shoes.

Can't run in them.

Aw, son of a...

Come on in.

What-what's with the broads?

You're stealing that idea, too?

No, we're not...

Yes, you are.

We're tweaking...

We're tweaking your idea.

You're stealing that idea.

You're stealing my idea!

Stop, stop. Everyone stop!

I will take care of all of your

legal needs, if each of you

agrees to never seek my legal

advice again.

What?

Great.

Okay.

For free?

No problem.

And you promise not to break

into my home and rape my wife

while she's sleeping.

Bro, rape?

I wasn't talking about raping

your wife.

I was talking about making love

to her sweetly while she sleeps.

And I was going to do it for

you, you son of bi...

All right, fine, I won't do it.

Great.

Now we're all here.

Let's get into it.

Deandra...

Yeah.

You want to sue these guys

over some sort of breach of

contract thing?

Yes, this one ate a contract

that said I got all the rights

to the Paddy's Pub merchandise.

That never happened.

It happened.

Okay, why don't you throw out

the suit if they agree to sign a

contract that grants you 50% of

the merchandizing rights for

Paddy's Pub.

50%... I'll take it.

Deal.

Yes!

What the hell are you

doing, dude?

I'll just eat the contract

later.

We would also like to make a

patent on Paddy's Shotgun and

this very large-breasted woman

who's going to be shooting the

gun into your face.

Objection.

This is not a court of law.

Sustained.

Frank, move to strike.

They stole my idea.

Open your mouth.

Whoa.

How did you get that much

propulsion on the gun?

I made tequila bullets, but I

guess I put too much

gunpowder in.

New deal.

We are taking that propulsion

and putting it in our shotgun.

No, no, no.

That deal sucks.

Okay, why don't you just use

both guns?

That's an even better idea.

Two guns, six boobs-- we're all

on the same team.

Okay, I like that idea.

Yeah, I like that.

And you-you want a right to

the Cat Gloves...

Mittens, dude. Pay attention.

I'm sorry, sir.

They duct-taped me to the

bathroom sink.

How in the hell did she get

out of that?

I don't know.

Next up we have submission

35-- a potential investment

opportunity in merchandising for

a, uh, a Paddy's Pub.

You're really sweaty.

Well, my eyes are really

burning here, Charlie.

Start again, start again.

Yeah, that's good.

Action, Frank.

Go, Frank, now, go.

Frank, just do that...

Say the line now.

Let me have a drink.

How about a shot?

What the...?!

Paddy's Pub-- home of the

original Shotgun and Gunshot.

Are you shooting me?

Shoot the girls.

Shoot the girls.

Two shots as they were

intended-- by blasting them

directly into your mouth!

Awesome.

I'm wasted.

But that's not all.

Dick towel...

.com.

Nudie pen.

Egg.

So come on, dude, invest in

our merchandise and get blasted!

Okay.

Why don't we just take a break.

That did not look cool.

No. Well, we had to edit

while we shot, you know.

We just didn't have time.

God, that was terrible.

Does your cat walk around

too much?

Does your cat make too much

noise?

Guess who just found some

investors for Kitten Mittens?

I told you.

People love stupid shit.

Why do you keep calling it

stupid, though?

It's really pretty stupid.

Why do you keep calling it

stupid?

But people are stupid too,

Hello.

Hi.

What's up, man?

What are you doing here?

Congratulations on the sale.

Thank you very much.

Oh, you were there.

Yeah. How much money am I

going to make?

Do what, now?

Oh, the contract that you all

blindly signed grants me 100%

of the profits from any

merchandising opportunities from

your little bar.

And Kitten Mittens-- I own that.

I had to get paid by you people

somehow.

Well, that's what the hooker

was for.

Dude.

All right, touché.

Yeah, you outlawyered me there,

okay?

Tell you what, though, let's

split Kitten Mittens 50-50, and

then you'll never see me again.

Wow, 50-50.

Let me think about that.

How about if I never see you

again because the contract that

you all signed also included a

restraining order...

...which you're all

currently violating.

Uh, excuse me, sir, can I see

these supposed documents that

you have?

Why, yes.

In fact, I happen to have that

right here.

I knew it! I knew it!

Still, you wouldn't have to

be edible.

Right in your face.

You know, fortunately, I made

hundreds of copies of that.

So why don't you all have just a

nice day.

You can probably stop

eating that now.

Sync by ReHelen - corrected by chamallow35