It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - The World Series Defense - full transcript

Next case, Mr. Dennis Reynolds.

That's me.
Yup, right here.

How are ya?

From October 28th, 2008, to
November 1st, 2008,

you were
issued a series of parking

citations totaling $1,300.

Who are these people?

Oh, uh, these people are here
to corroborate my story.

It's a parking violation.

Oh, well, I think you'll find it goes
much, much deeper than that.

Yes, lady madam of the court, I do believe that this court

will realize that we were all victims of
a terrible ordeal that caused

each and every one of us great physical
and emotional trauma.

And what is this ordeal?

The Philadelphia Phillies winning
the World Series, your honor.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".

The World Series Defense

Okay, Mr. Reynolds, on what...

grounds are you contesting...
these tickets?

What grounds? Where do we even begin?

On many grounds. Your
honor, many, many grounds.

And let the record show... that we are
waiving our right to... an attorney.

Just explain to me why you...
feel you should not have been...

issued these tickets.

Okay, um, yeah, well, I think...

in order to do that, we should...
probably start at the top of the... story.

I know what the story is.

It was game five of the World...

Series, and we actually had... tickets.

And needless to say, I
mean, we... were pumped!

World Series, baby, oh, yeah!

Hello! What's up, fellas?

What's going on, man?
Not wearing any colors?

Not supporting the team, dude?

Wearing colors? Why the hell
would I be wearing... colors...?

Oh, my God! Today's the
World Series. I totally forgot!

Oh, wait a second. What's this?

Boom! I haven't forgot a thang!

Guys, this is one of the few...

times where it is acceptable to
be shirtless in a public forum.

So I'm blasting bare chest the
whole time. What do you think?

I think you're gonna be cold as shit.

I'm not gonna be cold at all

because I'm gonna be wasted
on grain alcohol.

Grain alcohol, baby. Whenever

there's a potential riot, I'm
getting blasted on grain alcohol.

Put some of that on my bug bites.

We're not gonna be wasting our fine grain
alcohol on your goddamn bug bites, idiots.

Yeah, we need it for pre-gaming.

I am not watching this game sober.

No. What, you want to remember it?

- Charlie...
- Back to back.

All right, what's going on with you guys?

We got bedbugs, dude.

Oh, man, the place is infested with
them. Some guy brought 'e Haiti.

World Series, bitches! What
is up?! Whoomp, there it is!

The plan's still on, right?

Oh, shit, yeah, baby girl, plan is on!

Wait! Time-out! There's a plan?

Oh, there's always a plan, buddy.

Well, tell me about this. What's the plan?

Okay, in the bottom of the ninth

when the Phillies are up by, like,

50 or 60 runs, Dennis and I are gonna
start beating the shit out of each other.

Right, which will attract
the attention of security.

Yeah, and that's when I run
on the field and kiss a player.

And I'm gonna toss out Green man

and run around the field

and go crazy as Green man...

No, don't, don't toss out Green man
because in this particular case,

the Phillie phanatic really
reigns supreme, okay?

We're talking about the Phillies
here. Leave that for other shit.

Are you kidding me?

- Dude, people love that guy.
- They love him.

I don't love him! I'm sick of him!

He's got a stranglehold on
the Phillie mascot scene,

it's not fair.

I got a pretty good thing
going with green man.

I don't see why there
can only be one mascot.

Nah, I feel like there's only
room for one green idiot

running around making
an asshole of himself.

- I can't find the tickets.
- What are you talking about?

I don't have the tickets in my pocket.

- What, dude?!
- I know exactly where I left them.

I left them on the coffee
table in the apartment.

Well, dude, we don't have time
to go back to the apartment.

We're not gonna get a good
spot for the tailgate.

We gotta get back and get them.

Wait, wait, wait! Dennis,
Charlie, why don't you go

to the parking lot, get us a
good spot? We'll go get the tickets.

- All right, let's move, man.
- I forgot the tickets.

I don't know. All I'm doing is, like, just

making the sandwiches. By the way...

Shut up!

Okay, I think it's important to figure out

which player I want to kiss when
I thrust myself out on that field.

I'm going Shane Victorino right now.

Strong choice, but centerfield,

way too far. You'll get you jacked
up before you get anywhere close.

Oh! Oh! Balls! Oh, no, they're fumigating

the building for bedbugs!

How did you not know that

were bug-bombing your apartment, bro?

I can't read every flyer that
gets slipped under the door!

Jesus Christ...

- Well, now what are we gonna do?
- I don't know. We gotta go...

Go get the tickets! Hurry up, hurry up!

I'm not going in there!
That's full of toxic smoke.

We'll go buy gas masks.

We don't have time for
gas masks! Frank, come on.

It's not that poisonous.
Just go really fast.

- Go really fast.
- All right.

Jesus Christ.

- Oh, God! My eyes are burning!
- Now what?

All right, fine, I'll have to scale the building,

cut a hole in the tent, smash through the
window. That'll cut down on occupancy time.

You are not capable of doing that.

I absolutely have the upper-body
strength to accomplish that.

- Are you kidding me?!
- Goddamn it, Dee! Goddamn it! Will you shut up?!

Calling the boys to tell
them we're gonna be late.

They're doing that right now?

All right, keep me posted.

Bro, they are bug-bombing your building
right now. They got the whole thing tented.

Those guys can't get in
there to get the tickets.

No, there's no way they're gonna.
I mean, that's poisonous gas, dude.

- You can't breath that.
- Screw 'em, right?

What are you suggesting, maybe
we sneak into the game?

I want to get into that game. I don't
even want to tailgate anymore, bro.

You're right, we gotta sneak in.
All right, we're gonna sneak.

How are we gonna sneak in, though, bro?

The security's gonna be crazy.

There's a couple ways you can do it.

There's a couple ways you can do it.

One, we can take the secret tunnel

that goes from the Holliday
Inn into the stadium...

- What the hell are you talking about?
- This is common knowledge, bro, there is.

They built a secret tunnel so
that the visiting players can

get safely back to the hotel

without the Phillies fans hammering 'em.

We're passionate fans,
you know what I mean?

Passionate fans; we gotta hammer someone.

So they got a tunnel for that, really?

Wow. Don't you think there's
gonna be security there, too?

There might.

All right, you know what? I got it. We're
gonna do a Charlie one-two, all right?

You're gonna do this, okay?

One, you jump in front of a
car coming to the stadium.

Two, you say, "I'm gonna sue you
if you don't give me tickets."

No! No, that is a terrible plan.

How is that terrible?

Because it involves me
getting hit by a car.

You'll be fine, bro. You're
drinking riot punch, man.

You bounce right off that thing.

All right, well, it's called
the "Charlie one-two,"

you do it.

Well, no, I've done too many, man. I
mean, the next one could be my last, bro.

I don't want to get hit by a moving car.

You'll be fine!

This is the World Series, man.

I don't want to do it anymore, dude.

I could die.

You do it.

All right, goddamn it, I'm
gonna do it. Let's do it!

One last time. One last time.

Too shitty man. Crappy car.

Yeah, no, you don't want to jump
out in front of a shitty car.

We need rich-people tickets, right?

Oh, ooh, this guy. Right here.

- This is good.
- Oh, this is going to be a...

Oh, he's going to have such
good seats. Go, go, go, go, go.

What are you doing, man?

Bro, that guy was going
to have great seats.

Yeah, I felt like I didn't
have a good angle.

What do you mean?

You just jump right out in front of it.

This guy will have good seats.

Don't get cold feet on me.

Jump out in front of this guy.

Your honor, so my friend here

pushed me in front of a
moving car. No big deal.

Ladies and gentlemen of the
court, these were dire times

and dire actions were need
to get those tickets.

But we didn't get the tickets, Charlie,

because the guy saw you push
me in front of his car.

- Yeah, that's true.
- We didn't get the tickets.

So, you guys tried to scam your way
into the game by throwing each other

in front of cars with the hopes of
extorting tickets from the drivers.

Your honor, let the record
show that the three of us

do not condone the actions
of the two of them.

The record will show everything.
You can stop saying that.

Are you sure? 'Cause she's
not typing very quickly.

Shorthand. She's getting the gist.

I don't appreciate being paraphrased.

Now, I choose my words very deliberately.

Get back to your case.

Ok, so, anyway, the three of us are
back at their apartment,

trying to get the tickets.

And Mac is scaling the building.

- I can't get a good grip.
- Is the grip the problem?

Guys.
I found this garden hose, right?

I'm gonna use it to pump fresh air into the building.

And breathe into it like a scuba diver.

- That seems just like it could work.
- Let's give it a shot!

Go, go, go.

Ok, how is it?

- What?
- I get...

- Yeah?
- You're in?

All right.
Let's drink in.

All right, Dee.

Skip back to this place and
let's have a conversation,

cause I got some... some thoughts.

Yeah I've been thinking about it.
Ryan Howard, right?

If it's me I'd go Chase Utley,
100% of the time.

He's a power hitting second baseman, Dee.

Do you know how rare that
is in the National League?

Yeah and he's hot,which is
like number one on my list...

- Of course he is.
- But I really like Ryan Howard.

You kiss Chase Utley
and that's it.

Why are you pushing Chase Utley
on me,

it's kind of gettin' weird.

Ok, look, I have a plan, all right?

And it involves you getting
this letter to him.

When you get out to kiss him.

Now I've given this to Major League
Baseball, his lawyer,

his manager, his mom, and he has
not gotten back to me.

Which means he hasn't got it yet.
So just...

- What's in this letter?
- That's none of your business, right?

Just get it to Chase.

Did you write a love letter
to Chase Utley?

In a lot of ways, yes,
I do love him,

but that is not a love letter in the
way that you're thinking of it, ok?

There's nothing sexual, or...

- Ok, that sound good. Let's read it.
- Yeah, read it!

Dear Chase...
Oh shit, there are stickers!

My God, this is good.

- I wanna make it pop!
- You sure do.

"Dear Chase, I feel like
I can call you Chase

because you and me are
so much alike".

Really?

I would love to
meet you someday.

It would be great to have a catch.

I know I can't throw
as fast as you

but I think you'd be
impressed with my speed.

I love your hair,
you run fast.

Did you have a good relationship
with your father?

Me neither.

These are all things we can
talk about, and more.

I know you've been not
gettin' my letters

because I know you'd
write back if you did.

And I hope you write
back this time

and we get to be good friends.

I am sure our relationship

will be a real Home Run".

If you read it out of context...

There's no right context.

- Strip that from the record please.
- No, put it on the record.

That one stays on the record.

- Can we get back to your case?
- Let's move on.

- Shall we move on?
- Yes let's move on.

Sorry about that, your honor.

My God! Wow!

Ok, who were you looking
to accomplish with this?

I'm hoping that he reads the letter

and realizes that he's always
one of the younger brother...

Younger broth... oh oh oh oh oh!

The guy is like five years younger
than you, you know that, right?

Is he really?

Yeah... oh, shit!

The hose is gone!

- Oh God!
- Oh shit!

He's in there,
breathing the poison.

We gotta get those tickets,
I gotta get to Chase!

- God damn it.
- Ok, all right.

The poison is so thick!

This hall is really bad.

There he is.

Let's go get him.

- Frank.
- Frank.

Where are the tickets?

Leave me here to die!

Come on, where are
the goddamn tickets?

I can't find them.

- I left them on the coffee table.
- Take them.

The bastards took them.

Oh, God!

- Hey, how are you feeling, buddy?

I'm in a great deal of pain, Charlie.

I was just blasted by a car.

Yeah I know, you got
cream, but check it out.

I got you soft pretzel!

Screw your goddamn soft
pretzel, you son of a bitch!

I might be
bleeding internally.

Dude, that's the Phillie
Phanatic up there man!

Maybe I'll go toss and chop
with him a little Green Man,

and he gets us in the game dude!
The Phanatic!

Phillie Phanatic,
Phillie Phanatic!

Huge fan man,
seriously, big time...

Are you serious?

All right, seriously, man to
man, mascotte to mascotte.

I was wondering maybe if you could
help me gettin' in the game.

Maybe hop me up with
Green Man routine,

we do it in the
stadium together.

I'm trying to talk to you.
I'm trying to have a conversation...

You're belly bumping me, all right?

All right.
I'll give you...

All right, don't big-league me now,
here, man.

Look, I'm trying to have a conversation
with the man behind the mask,

I feel like you're big-leaguing me, dude.
Are you taking me seriously?

That guy is beating on
the Phanatic.

- Look, is it a hate crime?
- No, it's not a hate crime.

Wanna hammer us in there anyway?

Definitely.

Yo, Dennis?

Yo, buddy, what are you doing dude?

- God damn it!
- What happened to you?

Charlie pushed me in front
of a goddamn car,

- that's what happened.
- You look terrible.

Why are your eyes all filled with blood?

On account of the poison.

Yeah, dude, where were you going?
We got to get to the stadium.

Look, it's starting to get packed.

Just forget about it, okay? It's
impossible to get in that stadium, trust me.

Take my word for it.

We got to get in so Dee
can kiss Chase Utley...

Well, how the hell are you planning
on getting in there, Mac?

Uh... you put me on the spot. First thing that
comes to my head... scaling the facade.

All right, I know I soured on that earlier,
but I believe that that is my mind

- telling me that I have it in me.
- Okay, I hate to tell you this, bro,

but you do not have the core strength
to scale the facade of citizens bank.

- You just don't.
- What?! I work out all the time!

Yeah, but you only work out your
glamour muscles, and you know it.

- I work out my core.
- No, you do not work out your core.

You're totally arm-heavy. You're all bis
and tris and everything else is just fat

- and... and ribs.
- Bro,

I can do way more push-ups than
you, and that's, like, 16

- different muscle groups, I think.
- That is beyond retarded,
what you're saying right now.

I can do way more push-ups than you,
even though I was just hit by a car.

1... 2... 3...

4... 5... 6...

7... 8... 9...

All right, enough. Stop it.

All right.

But you get my point, your honor.

And you could see that Mac was slowing
down at the end there, and let the record

show that that is because he only
works out his glamour muscles.

No! That's... that's bullshit. I did, like, three more than you!

- Yeah, but...
- Put that on the record, put that on the record!

Uh, strike that from the record.
I don't think you did three more.

You saw it. She saw it.

I need... ...this story to
come to an end, soon.

Okay, fair enough, your honor. I will bring the story to a close very soon.

Okay, so, let me pick up where we left off.

Uh, we were, we were at the parking lot,

and I had just punched him in the face for cheating,
like he just tried to do right here in the courtroom.

Stop handing me papers.

- Why did you hammer my nose, bro?
- I hammered your nose because
you disqualified me

- for no good reason.
- 'Cause you had bad form, dude!

- What are you talking about?
- You were slowing down,

- and you just tried to...
- That's bullshit.

- Charlie, who hammered you?
- Just some overly passionate
Phillies fans.

You getting hammered by philly fans
is reminding me of something.

There is a secret tunnel between
the stadium and the Holliday inn.

- I know, dude! I was telling
this guy about the tunnel.
- No, that's not true.

They built it 'cause phillies
fans hammer people all the time!

That's a known tunnel.

- Everybody knows about the tunnel.
- All right, well, let's give
the tunnel a shot, then.

- We got nothing to lose.
- It's starting, it's starting!

Hear that shit?!

I hear it. It seems like it's gonna rain.

Don't ever disqualify me again for a
bullshit reason. I'll hammer you again.

Was your form off?

- Try to look inconspicuous.
- Inconspicuous?

We all look like we've been
in a terrible fight, Frank.

Everybody in here looks like
they've been in a terrible fight.

These two ladies are in the middle
of a terrible fight right now.

Philly fans are brutal.

There's the elevator! Go.

All right, which way is
it, dude? Which way?

Uh, let's try this way.

The game is about to start, and this
damn thing is not giving me a signal.

Damn it, I don't know if I'm
on board with this plan, man.

I don't know, I might just go up to
the hotel bar and watch it up there

and then join the riot afterwards.

If we can't go to the game, we should
at least be able to watch it somewhere.

We're getting in the game, all right?!

Just hurry up.

All right, hang on a second. This
looks good down here. Bingo.

Look at this little room. This has
got to be something, right?

All right, here we go.

- It's a linen closet, Charlie.
- Yeah, they want you to think
it's a linen closet, Frank.

- All right, check behind the
shelves and shit.
- Why?

Cause in ScoobyDoo, secret tunnels
are always behind shelves.

There's gonna be one.

Could we not base our decisions on what does
and doesn't happen in episodes of Scooby doo?

God damn, let's go out to the
bar before the game ends!

- Yeah, let's go.
- Come on.

- Shit, it's locked.
- What?

- It's locked!
- No!

- Hey!
- Hey!

Guys!

Check this out!

No!

- Holy shit!
- All right!

- Is it really?
- This is the way.

It's dark in here but it
sounds like it's a tunnel.

- It's dark as hell in here!
- I can't see anything!

- It stings!
- Hang on, hang on...

I found a light...

Stop it!
Come on, now!

Are you tellin' me you all found a
dungeon at the bottom of the Holiday Inn?

- No, no.
- No.

I just added that last part to the end there
to despise the story up

'cause, for being honest, it can't seem
like you were losing it for a bit.

- Yeah you weren't paying attention.
- But now you are.

B... but the point is, we did get stuck
in that linen closet for six days.

Yes, we did. And as you know, there was
a rain delay on the game, so...

Yeah, we missed the game, we missed the riot,
we missed the parade, we missed everything.

Yeah, and the only way we got out is some
maid came after six days to get fresh towels.

Yeah, how does a hotel not
run out of towels for six days?

Let the record show that we question
that hotel's sanitation procedures.

- Absolutely, abs...
- It's a filthy place.

And while we were stuck in that tiny little room for six days,

surviving only on sink water and peppermint candies and
what little bit of riot punch we had left at that point,

my car accumulated the massive amount of
parking tickets that brings us before you today.

So, I submit to you, your honor, that not only should
I be excused of those parking tickets, but I think I'm...

- we're really owed compensation
for the entire ordeal.
- Oh yeah?

- Cause we went through some shit.
- Is that it?

- Think that about covers the bases, yeah.
- Good.

Because I do not find that your
story excuses your behavior.

In fact, it actually seems like you committed
a litany of additional crimes in the process.

I order you to pay the original fine.

- Next case.
- Well, I didn't want to do this, but...

I'm calling kangaroo court on this court.

A kangaroo court. It's a kangaroo court.

And you know what?

I'm gonna toss in my countersuit,

"Charlie Kelly versus the Major League
Baseball and the Phillie Frenetic."

- No, come on.
- Don't do it, Charlie.

He's got a stranglehold on the
mascot scene!

All right, first of all, I had to call
him the frenetic.

His name's the Phanatic, but, you know,
I'm gonna get sued by Major League Baseball

if I call him the Phanatic.
And let's talk about steroids!

Can we talk about steroids?!
Can we talk about steroid abuse?!

It's bullshit!
It's ruining the game!

It's ruining it!