It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Paddy's Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia - full transcript

Oh, it's just so doggone thin.

- Oh, it's incredibly thin.
- Yeah, it's thin, sure,

but I got to say,
I don't care for it.

Charlie, the thinner the TV,
the better the TV.

- That's just a straight-up fact.
- Guys, guys, guys!

Check it out.
We got a review in the paper.

No way! Is it a good review?

"The first thing I noticed
about Paddy's Pub is its charm".

- All right, it's a good review.
- That's a good start.

- "It has none".
- Uh-oh, are you serious?

"There was an ominous feeling
that you could get stabbed at

- any moment". That's good, right?
- How is that good?

That's the exact type of atmosphere
I've been trying to cultivate.

But, while danger may linger,
I'm the levelheaded bouncer that

keeps violence in check, like
Swayze in Roadhouse. I'm the cooler.

In check? There have been
many stabbings in here.

- I feel unsafe here every single day.
- Oh, very often.

Well, stabbings have been
down, though.

Read some more.

"When I ordered a glass of
wine, not only did the surly

white trash waitress refuse to
make it, but she proceed to

call me a word that I cannot
print in this paper".

- Surly?
- "I was forced to listen to

the three classless bores who
call themselves the owners

get drunk and yell over
each other all night".

Classless bores?
I am not a classless bore.

Well, I am not white trash.
I am a kind and a generous

and a good-natured lady.

Well, I... I do seem to remember
you calling a guy a faggot.

Yeah, I absolutely called him
a faggot, but he ordered chardonnay.

What was I supposed to do?

"Having reviewed every bar in
Philadelphia, I hereby

officially declare Paddy's Pub
to be the worst bar in Philly".

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia 4x08

Synchro : Criztian

Hi. Are you Mr. Lyle Corman?

- Yes, can I help you?
- Good, nice to meet you.

We're here from Paddy's Pub,
and we have come down to give

you the opportunity to give us
another chance.

Yeah, here's the thing. We felt
that your first review was just a

- tiny bit off base.
- Yeah, as you can see,

we're not white trash.

Huh, really?
Well, uh, then, in that case,

can you ask your friend to put
down that hammer, please?

Uh, yeah, don't let the
hammer throw you, Corman.

We are classy, interesting people.

Okay, I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

Well, don't be rude.
We just came to have a talk, so...

This is a private... I'm
gonna have to get security.

Okay, we can play it that
way, Corman.

But you should know that we
would have no problem suing you.

Suing me?
What are you gonna sue me for?

Uh, libel, slander. There's
two of the big dogs right there.

It's only libel
if what I write is false.

You know what, buddy, we will jam
your asshole up with so many lawyers,

you won't know what to
do with yourself.

I'll have you know, we have a
team of lawyers on retainer just

to deal with people like you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, check this out.

- You're all out of time, bitch.
- Boom.

- You just got fazed.
- This just in, Poo-Poo Pants.

People don't read newspapers
anymore.

How's that for class?

Nice, brand-new Blu-Ray DVD
player, all hooked up.

- Hey, all right.
- Where are we gonna put it?

We need like a flat surface.

Here we go. You know what,
we'll just... we'll dangle it.

That looks better. We're not dangling
anything. That's very white trash.

What is the point of having
all this expensive new status

symbol stuff if we're just gonna
make it look terrible?

Hey, you guys want to see
something?

What?

I did something.

Holy shit.

What?
You kidnapped Corman?

I don't really know what
happened, okay?

First, I was angry.
Then, I was drinking.

Next thing I know, I'm following
this guy home and forcing him

- into the trunk of his own car.
- Jesus Christ, this is bad.

- Really bad.
- Don't panic. Don't panic.

Relax, I drove him around in a
circle for a while, okay, so

he wouldn't know where he was or
how far away he'd gone.

But then you brought him back
to a place where he's already been,

and plus, he just heard
everything you just said.

Okay, maybe we can just release him, and
that way, this won't be a kidnapping.

First things first. Let's
just get him out of the trunk;

let's get him into the bar; and then
let's figure out what we need to do.

How are we gonna get him in the
bar without anyone seeing him?

Easy, we roll him up in a rug.

- Where are we gonna get a rug?
- We buy a big Oriental rug,

and we roll him up in it.

Do you have any idea how
expensive rugs are, Charlie?

- Yeah, especially Oriental rugs.
- No, no rugs.

Just get him out of the car and
into the bar, Charlie.

Help me get him out of the trunk.

Okay, so we're... we're really
sorry about this, Mr. Corman.

Watch your head.

You're gonna be okay.
It's not a kidnapping, so...

Oh, goddamn it.

Okay, I think we're on the
same page.

- This is not a kidnapping.
- No!

No, okay, all right.

But we do need to keep him here
for a couple of hours

- so he doesn't do anything irrational.
- Just borrowing him.

...go to the police.

That being said, let's take a
few precautions here, okay?

We need to cover our tracks. Why don't
we shoot over to Corman's place

and make sure that Charlie
left without a trace.

I'm pretty sure Charlie
left with a trace.

- He probably did.
- That's a good idea.

Okay, and I'll use my cooling
abilities to smooth things over

- with Corman, and then that...
- Jesus Christ.

Are you still going on and on
about being a cooler?

- Shut up.
- The cooler thing isn't helping now.

Just get into the bar, and make sure
Charlie doesn't do anything stupid.

Okay, but can we establish
that I'm the cooler?

- Oh, my God!
- Get into the bar.

We're surrounded by idiots.

Look, this really isn't necessary.
You don't have to tape me...

I'm sorry, man, but this is
the situation we're in, and I

just feel like this is the best
thing to do here.

Jesus Christ, dude, what are you doing?
You can't tape him up like that.

Come on, man.
I mean, the guy gets my goat, man.

He sits around all day.
He judges people with his words

and his fancy newspaper talk.
It's bullshit!

What is it that you people want?

Well, I'll tell you,
Mr. Fancy Pants Writer Man.

I was thinking maybe you could
write a new review, you know,

and this time, maybe
add a few less lies.

How can I write a new review
if I am taped to a chair?

Come on, man. See, he's twisting
everything I say around.

He's making me look like an asshole.

Okay, look, look. Nobody has to write
anything against their will, okay?

Thank you.

I have to go to the bathroom.

- I have to pee.
- Okay, sidebar.

How is he gonna pee if his hands
are taped down?

I don't care.
Let him piss in his pants.

No, he can't piss in his
pants, Charlie!

I don't know why you're so in
love with this guy.

I just don't want to get
arrested for kidnapping.

- If we just untie him for a second.
- Not gonna work.

I used the last of the tape.

If you untie him, that tape's
not gonna stick back up.

Go down to the basement.
See if there's any more tape.

I'll take him to the bathroom.
I'll defuse the situation.

- Fine.
- Play it cool.

- Play it cool.
- Play it cool.

I'm sorry I yelled at you,
Mr. Corman.

I saw that!

I saw that! I saw that!
You're out of here, bro.

What are you doing?

What, I'm packing to make it look
like Corman went on a vacation.

Yeah, but you're all over the place.
You just put in a tropical shirt,

and now two heavy coats?
I mean,

is he going to Cancun or Canada?
You gotta pay attention to the details.

- This is how people get caught.
- Ah, shit, you're right.

I'm leaving a trace.
Okay... no, no, no, no.

He's probably under a lot of pressure
with the deadlines from the newspaper.

- He should relax.
- Go someplace tropical?

- Cancun then. Perfect.
- Tropical.

You know what I'll do?

I will put an outgoing message
on his answering machine.

- That is good thinking, sis.
- We're pretty good at this.

We are pretty damn good at this.
We're learning.

Greeting one.

Hi, this is Mehar.
Sorry I missed your call.

Please leave a message after the beep.
Peace.

That did not sound like Corman.

Who are you people?

- Friends with Corman.
- Yeah.

Mr. Corman lives across the hall.

- Oh, does he?
- Does he?

Where is he?
This is ridiculous.

- I really have to pee.
- I hear ya, bro.

Now, back to the cooler conversation
that we were having earlier.

I feel like in your article, you
missed an opportunity to mention

my bouncing abilities.
Okay?

Now, it's really more about
smarts than anything else.

For example, if there was an
altercation in this bathroom,

I would blast in looking to
neutralize, yeah?

Now, I would check out my
environment, and I would look to see

if there's anything that I
could use to my advantage.

Like this pool cue.
Here we go.

Okay, normally, that wouldn't
happen unless I wanted it to.

'Cause I could fire it right in your
chest. 'Cause I got skills to do that.

Dude, there's like no tape
anywhere.

All I could scrounge up was a
bandana.

No, that's too small.

Oh, I could wear it though!
I should wear it.

I know, but I found it,
so I sort of feel like...

No, I appreciate you looking
for me and finding it for me.

No, hang on a second.

...that got me to the point
of me getting the bandana.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Just please get me out of this
bathroom before I vomit.

It is absolutely disgusting.

Well, excuse me, Mr. Man.

But I happen to think this
bathroom is pristine

because I work very hard cleaning it.

In fact it's so clean I would say
you could eat out of these urinals.

No, you absolutely could not
eat out of these urinals.

- Oh, really? What's this?
- Charlie, don't.

Char... Oh, my God, dude!

Bro, I really...
I just pissed in there,

- like five minutes before you came in.
- Don't say that.

- Now you're gonna make me look bad.
- Spit it out, man. You're gonna eat it?

- You're still chewing it.
- I have to prove a point!

All right, all right.
Just let me go to the bathroom.

I will write the review.
I'll do whatever you want.

I promise.

Well, now that wasn't so
hard, was it?

Great. Awesome.

Well, I think that we're...
we're in good shape then.

How are we gonna do this?

Well, I think one of us is
gonna have to help his...

Whoa, dude!
I'm not touching his dick.

Well, Charlie, you're the one
that used all the tape.

Well, I was comfortable with
letting him piss in his pants.

Well, all right, fine.
Then compromise.

We'll both do it. That way it's
equally weird for both of us.

No, no, no.
Fine. Just-just untape me.

Please. No. Oh, no.

No! No!

Can I bring something up?

- Did he get a little bit hard on us?
- Can we not talk about this?

I just felt like you got a
little bit...

It was very weird.

- Well, why did it move?!
- Hey, guys!

- We got a problem.
- We did something.

- Oh, man!
- Oh, man! What happened, dude?

Well, there was this a slight
mix-up with the apartments.

This is Corman's neighbor Mehar.

What happened to doing this
without a trace?

Well, it-it's a long story,
but the punch line is that

- he starting asking questions...
- I asked one question.

- Shut up!
- No, you asked a lot of questions.

All right, well, let's not
have him ask more questions.

Let's just keep him in the
trunk for now.

You can't kidnap more people to
cover up the original kidnapping.

- It's a classic mistake.
- I'm sorry...

I didn't know there was a
handbook on kidnapping.

- Help!
- We gotta get him inside.

- It's probably very hot in there.
- There's another bit of an issue,

which is that I locked
the keys in the trunk just now.

- What?!
- Yeah.

- Are you kidding me?
- Well, I didn't want to bring that up.

Goddamn it, Charlie!

This is what we're gonna do.
You guys

deal with the situation
out here.

Let's go talk to Corman.
He's writing that new review.

Okay, 'cause I don't want to
see that man right now.

- We don't really want...
- Because we had a whole thing.

What happened?

Something happened.
None of your business.

- Thank you very much.
- We had a thing amongst the...

- Let's just go inside.
- Can you just... please.

How long do you think we can
hold that inside?

It's burning me up inside.
It's burning me up.

There he is. Our little typer.

- Type, type, typing away.
- Don't mean to disturb ya.

Oh, you're not disturbing me at all.
It's great to see you two again.

I get it. I get it.

- You are too much, huh?
- You're being a smart-aleck.

- You are.
- Glad your spirits are still up.

Listen, we wanted to come in and
just let you know we're sorry

about this whole
tie-up-and-hold-you-here thing.

We didn't have anything to do with it.

No, that wasn't us.
That was somebody else's idea.

- Not our idea.
- You know what I'm saying?

Now if there's anything though
that we can do,

- since we are in this situation...
- Absolutely, together we are.

- ...you want to let us know.
- Anything at all.

Yeah, how about, uh,
letting me go.

There he goes again.

- I didn't know he was so funny.
- I didn't know he was gonna...

...ask for food or something.

Is there something else we
can get you though?

'Cause clearly, you know, we can't...

All right, a glass of white
wine, maybe a chardonnay.

- Now you're talking.
- You like white wine. I know that.

Um, also, do you want me to
bring you some lipstick with that?

Boom!
You got fazed again, Corman.

You can't just tee her up and expect
her not to take a swing at you, right?

- Can't blame her for that one.
- Can't blame her for that one.

Hey, since you are
writing a new review, uh,

is there anything I can
do to help you out with it?

Uh, you want to fire a couple
questions my way?

- No, I think I'm fine.
- Okay. Yeah, hey, no problem, man.

I just want to...

just want to make sure you
got the total picture on me

'cause I do drive a Range Rover.

- Gas guzzler.
- Well, not on the highway. Okay.

Yeah, it's very classy vehicle,
though.

What do you want me to say?

What do I want you to say?

I don't know, "Dennis
Reynolds, your car is awesome.

Your flat screen TV...
I took a look at it.

It's very, very thin. It speaks
volumes about you as a person".

I don't know; give me something
I can work with, Corman.

All right, Dennis.

Here's the deal. I didn't feel
like opening up a bottle of wine

so I brought you some scotch

'cause I feel like that's
what writers should drink.

Hey, some top-shelf scotch.

Uh, I don't drink scotch.

Well, you don't have to be a
dick about it.

Got a real chip on her
shoulder, this one.

If I had to write an article about you,
it would say that you're very negative.

The headline might be:
"Most negative man in the world

calls other people white trash to
make himself not feel so faggy".

Faggy?

You mind if I just took a quick
peek at your new review there?

- Uh, but I haven't...
- That's okay.

That's okay.
I know you're not finished.

I just want to see what direction
we're headed in there, buddy.

What's it say?

It's, uh, pretty heavy on the
kidnapping aspect.

It is?

You jam in further though.

This is... Unlock the bottom.

I'm going for whatever's down
there and, um,

it won't catch on to
anything is the problem, man.

Damn it, dude.
I feel like this should be easier!

People break into cars all the time.

You know, a piece of me wants
to chalk this whole

guy-in-the-trunk thing up to a
loss right now, dude.

We can't do that, bro.
We gotta get him out of the car.

Well, then why don't you just
let me take the hammer

and smash the window and
we'll just pop the trunk.

Charlie, if we're
gonna smash the window,

I would simply do it
with a roundhouse kick.

Oh, come on, you're not gonna
be able to break this window

with a roundhouse kick.
Let's get serious here.

Charlie, I've never been more serious
about anything in my entire life.

Help!

Please let me out. I have
to get home. I have a cat.

Sir, we all have cats that we'd like
to be playing with right now, okay?

We're doing our very best.

My cat is diabetic. She needs
her insulin shot. Please!

So we got to babysit a cat now?

I can't have a dead cat's
blood on my hands, man.

- That's not good.
- All right,

Mac to the rescue.
Let me just back up.

I'm gonna roundhouse this. I'm gonna
kick it, and then we can get it.

Kick it, man.

All right, but back up, 'cause I don't
want the glass to shatter at your face.

- All right, go.
- Guard your eyes.

- Oh, no!
- Shit, dude! Shit!

There is a slope in the ground,
and I didn't...

I wasn't, I wasn't calibrating
that great.

You just totally broke this
mirror, bro.

Well, it's the bullshit street.

We gotta get that
zoning people out here.

I don't think it's the
street, bro.

Don't touch the window, all right?
I'll do that when I get back.

I gonna grab his cat with
Dennis' car. I'll be back.

Learn how to kick.
Take one karate class

if you're so into karate, you know?

That is a really, really nice setup.

Now, if he doesn't go for that,
he's just a straight-up retard.

- I mean, that's all there is to it.
- Hey, buddy.

Oh, hey, pal. Oh, check
out this new setup, man.

This is going to be our
golden ticket, man.

This is really going to get us
somewhere.

Hey, man, do you see any
hypodermic needles laying around?

- What the hell is that?
- Mehar's cat. Diabetic.

Now a diabetic cat is in play?
Jesus, we can't catch a break.

- I know, tell me about it.
- Nice and easy now.

Jesus Christ, Charlie!
You broke the window?

Dude, the guy had to take a dump.
What was I supposed to do?

Wait, he's all tied up.
How did you...?

Let's not talk about how it
happened, okay? It just happened.

- Give him his cat.
- Dude, your cat's freaking out!

That's not my cat.

- No, Dee.
- What the hell you doin', Dee?

What's Mehar doing here?

- What are you doing with my cat?!
- Your cat?!

- Yes! What is going on?
- Mr. Corman, why are they doing this?

No, no, no. Get out of here!

Give him his cat and get him
back in the office.

Jesus Christ, oh, this is bad.
This is bad, man.

This is really bad.
You guys, this is bad.

What are we gonna do?
We gotta come up with a plan fast!

Go it! Ready?

Here's the plan.
I've been thinking about this.

Okay, we give them amnesia.
It's so easy, here how you do it.

You smash them both over the
head with a bottle.

They go down like a ton
of bricks, okay?

Then we drag them back
to their apartments,

we put them in their beds, you know?

We set their clocks back.
We get yesterday's newspaper.

We put it on their front doorstep.

They wake up thinking
it was all a dream.

- That's so goddamn stupid!
- What?!

It's so stupid. Mac, please
tell me you got something.

- I say... we bribe them.
- A bribe.

- We bribe them.
- A good, old-fashioned bribe.

No, that's not gonna work,
you know why?

Corman's not gonna go for that.
He's, like, made of stone or something.

Oh, Mehar!
Let's bribe Mehar.

- He'd go for it.
- Yeah, Mehar could work.

But I did notice that the kidnapping
has rubbed him the wrong way.

So whatever we bribe him with,
it's got to be worth a lot of money.

Yeah, he's gonna want something
good for sure. For sure.

Jesus Christ, no.

Hey, thanks a lot for taking
home Corman's cat.

And good luck with your sick cat.

Goddamn it, this is bullshit.

All right, let's go talk to
Corman.

Hold on there, Corman.

- Where are you going, buddy?
- Where are you going?

You're not going very fast.

You're just wasting a lot
of energy. Stop.

Okay, all right. Listen, man,
we got a proposal for you, okay?

Yeah, now we are willing to
not force you to write that review

if you are willing to
step up, do the right thing and

- not tell anybody that this happened.
- I don't care.

Whatever it takes to
get me out of this bar

- away from you people.
- My man.

That is the attitude we were
waiting for the whole time.

That's right, man.
Where's this guy been?

Now, let's talk about the
elephant in the room.

Let's talk about the pressing charges.

Yeah, we're gonna need you
to sign something.

- Fine. Whatever it takes.
- I can't believe you guys

are gonna try and cut
a deal with this weasel.

The guy's a liar!

He lied to us, man. He said he was going
to write a review, he didn't do that.

I touch his dick.
Mac, we touched his dick.

Now is not the time to talk about that.

- Why were you guys touching his dick?
- There wasn't enough tape and...

- So you touched his dick?!
- Move past it. Let's plow through it.

Okay, Mr. Corman, why don't you
just go ahead and sign this.

And then I'll fill in the blanks later.
Then that way, we'll have a confession,

it'll be great.
And there you go.

Okay, now, let me just get this tape
off you, and you could be on your way.

Now, we won't charge
you for the duct tape.

That was a joke.

Shit, bro!
What are you doing, dude?!

I really don't like this guy.

- You're an idiot!
- Well, we'll see who's the idiot

when he wakes up tomorrow
and doesn't remember a thing.

I don't think that's how it
works, Charlie.

- It's definitely not how it works, man.
- Oh, my God!

We may as well embrace
the amnesia angle, because we have

- no other options at this point.
- Well, now!

Okay, I'll go get yesterday's
newspaper.

Okay, you guys ready?

One, two, three.

And I'll take...

With me the memories

To be my sunshine

After the rain

It's so hard

To say good-bye

To yesterday...

I ran out.
I ran out of breath.

Check it out.

What you got there, Ernie?

Oh, it's a new review by
Corman.

"I woke up in my neighbor's
bed with a head wound,

yesterday's paper, and an empty
bottle of sleeping pills,

and my nightmare in that putrid,
shithole of a bar, Paddy's Pub,

finally, mercifully came
to an end.

The owners all deserve to rot in jail,

though having to spend
every day with each other

in that violent establishment
is a decidedly great punishment.

That is why I decided
to not press charges

leaving 'em to live in the hell on earth
that they've created for themselves

for the rest of their pathetic
and miserable lives.

- Really cold what he's been writing.
- It's wrotten there.

- Not a good review.
- No, it's not a good review.

Right for the throw.

At least,
he didn't mention our names.

No charges, no names.

I don't know why,
but I'm a little irritated that

- he didn't mention our names.
- I feel like he'd to mentien our names.

I increadibly annoid that
he didn't mention our names.

I whish I can live
with this but I can't.

It's a history about us!

- I feel like we go talk to him, again.
- We should talk to him.

- We're capable of being civils, right ?
- Let's just, you know...

Communication is the key,
it make sens.

Uh, my hammer again.