It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead - full transcript

That's a great looking set of knives,
pal.

Where'd you get those? This old
magician was trying to unload 'em.

Oh, so they're like
magical trick knives or...

Well, the knives are real.
Mm-hmm.

They're used for magical
tricks. But they're real.

You know what I mean? They're
sharp too. Oh, I'll show you.

Hey, Dee. Can you get up against
the wall? I'm just gonna...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. You're
not throwing knives at me.

Let's just throw them at her
regardless. I'll tell you...

No! Yeah, you know what? Start
running. 'Cause we're coming.

Oh, my God. Don't you
dare. Ten, nine, eight...

No. No, no, no. No.
No. Seven, six, five...

Okay!
Listen up, everybody!

In the middle of somethin'! Frank, we're
in the middle of something very important!

I got news! Your mother is dead!

Yeah, right. Nice
try. Very funny, Frank.

I'm serious this time. She
had a botched neck lift.

She's as dead as disco.

Who wants champagne?

I am so sorry. My apologies.

I am so busy today. It's
good to see all of you.

That's quite all right,
sir. Don't worry about it.

Listen. Would now be a good
time to say a few words...

about my wonderfully warm
and caring mother? No.

Just, you know, get to the reading
part. Let's get on with it, man.

Let's go.
All right.

Uh, which one of you,
uh, is Frank Reynolds?

Yo.
Okay.

Uh, Frank, I have something here that
I need to read to you from Barbara.

Hmm.

"Frank, if your...

"fat monkey heart
is still beating...

"Then congratulations.

"I want you to know that I
hereby leave all of your money...

to Bruce Mathis, the real
father of my children. "

What?
What?

Bruce Mathis?
"A handsome man...

"with a beautiful soul...

And a nicer penis. "

You're giving all my
money to that jerkoff?

You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading
what's on the document, okay?

Why are you giving it
to him? I'm not giving...

She barely knew him! Yeah, I'm
not giving any money to anybody.

You see? I'm just
reading what's on a will.

Where is that rat
bastard? Sir, I don't know.

Because I want to smash
his face until he's dead!

Killed dead! Killed dead! Frank,
would you forget about Bruce?

I wanna kill him! Mom just
gave away all of our money!

You know what? We should
just move forward, okay?

"For my darling son, Dennis"...
Hmm?

Presumably.
Uh, "I give you my house. "

Yeah, okay. Well...

Yeah. Now it's startin'
to make sense. Read on.

"On the sole condition that
Frank not be allowed in. "

I would never let him in.
What?

"Deandra...
Yes?

"You get... nothing.

You were a disappointment
and a mistake. "

A mistake?
We're twins.

Yeah.
We were born at the same time.

What are you talking about?
You're not making any sense.

Tell that bitch
it doesn't make sense!

Okay... I'm reading the words
that someone else wrote, okay?

I don't know your mom.
Never met your mom.

In fact, I'm certainly not
speaking to your mom now.

Because she's dead.
Yeah, we know she's dead!

We're venting because
we're frustrated.

You tell her
she's a goddamn whore!

Okay, I...
Always been a whore!

What about jewelry? Does it
say anything about jewelry?

It does say something about
the jewelry in here... Okay.

In that, um, she wants
to be buried in it.

Goddamn it!
Oh! Oh!

Oh, goddamn it! She's
taking it into the grave!

I tell you what, you son of a bitch.
I am very disappointed in you today.

Very upset with you.
You're angry.

You tell her for me that I will
be in touch with her somehow.

Yeah!
Tell her she's a bitch!

These are awkward
situations often.

And I know it can
be difficult.

Hey. Thanks for the house, dude.

You know... You know, I
didn't give you the house.

That's not how this whole
situation works. Yeah, you did!

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Jesus Christ.

Hey. I got a plan to
get back at your mother.

Too late. I'm already
full throttle over here.

I'm gonna dig up her body in the middle
of the night and snatch back that jewelry.

That's insane! Frank, that woman
is buried down there like Mr. T.

I gotta get to that body
while the earth's still loose.

Deandra, I know how to get
the money back from Bruce.

What's your plan?
All right...

You call Brucie
on the phone...

and tell him that you want to
introduce him to your new fianc?.

Who's that?
Me.

Oh, man. This house sure
brings back a lot of memories.

Guys! Look what I just
found in Dee's old room!

It's her middle school
diary, dude. Ooh, yeah!

Who gives a shit?
This is her diary, man.

It's got all her secrets
and shit in here! D-Dude!

It says "keep out.
There's a little lock that we can...

Well, we'll get it open
later. We are not reading...

Dee's middle school
diary to you, bro!

Look, we need to start
the healing process.

Yeah...
Okay?

I'm devastated over here. We
need to throw a big-ass party.

Because I need to be amongst
my friends. Let's call the crew.

Let's round the boys
up! Round the crew up!

And let's have a kickass
party! We got the diary!

And the crew!
The boys are back in town

The boys are back in town
The boys are back in town!

I have two numbers
in my phone.

Charlie and Dennis.

Huh. Well, what about
all our friends, dude?

Yeah, what about, uh... Dooley! Call
Dooley. Dooley! Let's call Dooley!

Dooley loves a good party!
Dooley!

Dooley in the house!
Dooley's in the house!

Yeah.
Dooley killed himself.

Uh... oh...

Yeah. About two years back now.

Yeah. It's a real sad, sad, sad
thing for him and his family.

That's... That's terrible.
I knew he was, uh...

Depressed. Very
sad. Very depressed.

And, uh... How about,
uh... Let's call Stash!

Let's get the Stash man!
Uh...

Stash? Stash man? What did
you do? I set him on fire.

Son of a bitch. All right, forget him.
Forget Stash. I don't like him anyway.

Let's get Z-man.
I banged his sister.

Oh...
Sully!

No, but...
Sully! I got Sully.

He's got a restraining
order against me.

I can't go within 500 feet
of him. Plus, you know what?

I banged his sister too.
Did you really?

She was gross.
Yeah.

Oh, I remember that.
Yeah.

Wait a minute. What are we
saying? We got no friends?

Looks like it, right?

Wow, that hits home.
Boom.

That's terrible. Guys, guys.
That's sad.

Do you realize what that means?

I mean, if we were to all die
suddenly just like my mom did...

we would have nobody left
to mourn us.

Oh, shit. You know, we would
have no one left behind us...

to tell of our great adventures
and our glorious triumphs.

Oh, dude. We gotta...
We gotta make friends.

All our triumphs. All our
triumphs and our tales and...

We need to preserve
our legacy.

That's what I'm saying, bro! Our
legacy! Our whole legacy here!

So let's go out and make some friends,
right? Okay, let's do that. But first...

Who wants to burn through a
quick chapter of this diary?

How's the ponytail
look? It's ridiculous.

Why... I don't understand why
you're wearing this whole getup.

Bruce has never even seen you. Deandra,
if we're gonna pull this thing off...

I gotta turn into a liberal
yahoo just like Bruce.

Now, when he gets here, I want you to
hold my hand through the whole thing.

I won't do that.
Look.

You've gotta stop thinking
of me as your dad...

and start thinking of me as
your fianc?, Seamus. Gross.

Could we please try and
think of a less creepy angle?

But this is a grift. I
mean, that's the way it is.

You gotta stay in
character all the time.

As soon as you break
character, you blow the grift.

Hand, hand.

No, I don't wanna touch
you. Holding hands.

Ah, damn it.

Deandra.

Ah, my little girl. How
are you doing? Are you okay?

Well, no, no. I'm... I'm
very broken up inside.

Bruce, this is Seamus,
my fianc?.

I am also broken up.
Mm-hmm.

What say we all bring
it on in for a hug?

Mm.
We're doing hugs.

Oh, I'm so sorry I
missed the funeral. Mm-hmm.

We were in Uganda doing a lot of work
with the Al DS crisis there and...

Al DS?
You touch anybody?

Well, sure.
Hey, man!

What kind of shit is
that? You just hugged me!

Why would you do that?
Seamus is joking.

He's got a... He's got
a very dry sense of humor.

I'm not joking!
That shit is serious!

I gotta take a shower now!
Hmm.

That's kind of... odd.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's my
guy. You know? He's a...

Yeah. He's got a little
bit of a germ problem.

It's... I'll get him
some books for that.

He's... He's grieving
and and... Yeah. Sure.

But you seem to be
holding up okay.

It's funny that I seem like that.
Because I'm not holding up okay.

I'm very sad.
I'm devastated.

Well, there's nothing tougher than
losing a parent. Oh, it's the worst!

It is. And it's the... So she
gave you all of our money, huh?

All of... All of...
Yeah. Yeah.

All of our fortune. She
gave it to you. Weird, right?

Yeah. Good news is it's all gonna
go to help the less fortunate.

Every penny. Oh, well,
that is good news.

It's a done deal. Oh, well, that's
actually why we brought you here.

Oh, see, Seamus and I
have a plan.

We want to adopt
a ton of kids.

Oh, Deandra.
Isn't that wonderful...

that we'll need to use our
fortune that my mother gave you...

to shove at these kids!
You know what I think?

Huh? I think I know exactly
what you and Seamus need.

Can you sit tight? You
just sit tight. Sit tight.

I'll get back to you
as soon as I can. Okay?

Okay.
Okay.

Yeah.

Is he gone?
Yeah, he's gone.

Burn these clothes.

Tracy, cancel all
my appointments.

L It's time for my daughter and that
idiot who raised her to learn a lesson.

Guys, I don't know if I'm
feeling this flyer idea.

Really?
It's perfect, dude.

How else are three guys in their
late 20s supposed to make friends?

There's no system in place. A flyer does
all the work. It does the work for us, man.

All right, read back what we got
so far because I don't... Okay.

"What up? We're three cool guys
looking for other cool guys...

who wanna hang out in
our party mansion. "

It sounds a little gay.

Yeah. It does sound gay.
Right?

You know what? Write, um,
"nothing sexual. " Good. Okay.

"We're three cool guys looking for other cool
guys who wanna hang out in our party mansion. "

"Nothing sexual. "

Good, good. And add,
"Fighters welcome. "

'Cause, you know, we want some
tough dudes and some big dudes.

I don't want a bunch of tough
guys in here wanting to fight me.

No, I didn't mean that. But it would
be good to have extra protection.

Yeah. Extra protection and...
All right.

Well, uh, put
"fitness encouraged. "

Beautiful.
That sounds confusing.

Do you think so? I'll put,
"Dudes in good shape. "

Oh, there you go!
That solves it. Nice.

I like dudes in good shape.
There we go.

Okay. But we also need a guy who's
funny and fat. We need a funny fat guy.

We need a funny fat guy. Because
every crew has a funny fat guy.

Well, no. I'm the funny fat
guy. So don't worry about that.

You're not fat, dude.
Yeah. You're also not funny.

I want somebody who
does observational humor.

Oh, you know what? That would be
good. Observational humor is cool.

You know what, guys? I'm just gonna put
"nothing sexual" again just to reiterate.

Underline that.
Please, please.

Okay, clarity. Smart.
Be very clear with that.

And I'm thinking that the flyer
should be in the shape of a beer mug.

Hmm... Too complicated.
I don't like that.

Yeah. Uh...
What about a bicep?

Bicep. Yeah!
A bicep. Bicep's good.

A bicep would really do it. All
right, let's go with a bicep.

Okay.
Yeah, what do we got?

Here we go. "What up? We're three cool
guys looking for other cool guys...

"who wanna hang out
in our party mansion.

"Nothing sexual. Dudes
in good shape encouraged.

"If you're fat, you should be able
to find humor in the little things.

Again, nothing sexual. "
Underlined. Underlined. Okay.

Great.
I have no problem with that.

No. Let's go
meet some men.

Lookin' good, bro.
Lookin' very good.

I'm sorry?
Oh, your pants. Nice cut.

You know, that vertical line on the
side gives your body good length.

Do you work here? What...
Nah.

I'm just looking to meet
some... some new guys.

I saw you from across the
way. And I thought, yeah.

This guy's got a good sense of
style. He's about the same age.

Got a nice crop of blond hair. We could
definitely use a blond in the crew.

Mix things up a little bit.
Here. Why don't you just, uh...

take a look
at that flyer there.

Is this a penis?

A... penis?
No. It's a...

It's a bicep.
Oh.

Yeah, yeah.
Oh, right. "Party mansion. "

Exactly. Yeah. Cool.
Yeah, I'll swing by.

You'll swing by?
Yeah, sure.

Okay, yeah. Just come by the
address. We'll be there partying.

Sure. Yeah, at the party mansion.
You're gonna be perfect, man.

Yeah.
Nice.

See ya there.

I should give him more for his friends.

Yeah.

Oh, son of a bitch!

Penis? No. It's a... a bicep.
Bro.

I just had the most perfect blond
guy slip right through my fingers.

I mean, I had him in the palm
of my hand, and then he was gone.

You know what I mean? I mean, this
guy would've been perfect for you.

What's up with this beefcake? Is
he coming to the party or what?

Big time.
Great.

Nah, he didn't read the
flyer. No, I read the flyer.

He didn't understand it. I
understood it... perfectly.

Oh!
Okay.

Okay, we need to take a second
look at this flyer. Uh, yeah, dude.

Guys! Check out who I
just met buying a crossbow.

This dude is the shit. I shall use
this crossbow to pierce my broken heart.

Yeah.

All right, dude.

Dude, isn't that guy awesome
or what? He's like a poet.

That guy's not awesome.
No.

Dude, do you know how
hard it is to find...

a passionate guy like that these
days... they don't make 'em anymore.

You should've seen how passionate he
got when I showed him the dick flyer.

You knew?
You knew that it was a dick?

Well, yeah. I thought we changed it.
I thought you guys were changing it.

It was always... It was always meant
to be a bicep. It was a bicep, bro.

Well, then why did you cut it like...
'Cause it looks totally like a dick.

I thought, all right, let's go with the
dick thing. It's more masculine anyway.

Good point.
I mean, shit...

If you want it to be a
bicep, it needs more veins.

I can't wear this.

I gotta go home
and get another costume.

Come on. There's no time.
Just sit down and shut up.

And wait for Bruce to
get back with the money.

All right.

But I can't promise that
I'm not gonna go berserk...

if he tries to
give me Al DS again.

He wasn't trying to give
you Al DS. Jesus Christ!

You're the one who's goin' on
and on about staying in character.

Yeah, you're right. You're
right. Look, we can do this, okay?

We just have to go along with whatever he
throws at us. We're so close to that money.

Yeah.

Yeah?
I'm not gonna blow the cover.

Good. Pull your shit
together, Seamus. All right.

Surprise!

These are some of my adopted
children. Go ahead, guys.

This is your new home.

Ooh, Mac.
Here come our guests. Come on.

Okay. Okay. How did you
get these guys again?

Oh, they're college kids.
I just went down to Penn.

I reeled them in with a couple of white
lies. Put your game face on, buddy.

We got a legacy to preserve.
Okay.

Here we go.

Welcome to the party mansion, bitches!

Get your asses in here!

Look at that shit, huh? Yeah!

Where is everybody?
Where are all the chicks?

Guess what. It's just
you and us. That's right!

We got the party mansion
to ourselves!

There ain't no rules in the
party mansion! That's right.

Check this out, bitches!
Whoo!

Oh, yeah, baby!
Nice one!

Let's stop being pussies, and let's
funnel some beers! Let's funnel some beers!

I don't really drink. Wrong answer,
bitch! You're a drinker tonight!

That's right. You guys are
gonna be telling stories...

for the rest of your lives
about how crazy we are! Oh, yeah.

You're gonna tell everybody how
we're like those guys from Jackass.

How we like to smash stuff and shove
shit up our asses. That's right!

You are gonna get so much shit
shoved up your ass tonight, four eyes!

Yeah! You're gonna be talking about
this night for the rest of your lives!

"Dear Diary, the dance
was a total disaster.

"I cried myself to
sleep again last night.

Oh! "Mom forced me to
wear the back brace.

And all the school chanted
"aluminum monster!"'

Oh...
Oh, man!

"Aluminum monster. "
That is hilarious.

No! Oh, it's
not hilarious!

I share this
little girl's pain.

Have you ever
been scorned, Charlie?

Uh, like all day, every day, dude.

Then you should think of this little
girl as your soul mate of pain.

Oh, shit, bro.

Babysitting a bunch of orphans
was not part of our grift.

Yeah. Well, it's either
that or digging up Mom...

which, for the record,
I am still very into.

But I'm willing to do whatever we
need to do to get this money, Frank.

Okay? If we need to adopt
a couple of orphans, fine.

We'll get the money, and
we'll take them back. Oh...

Can you do that?
Is that possible?

I don't know. I'm sure they have
some kind of a return exchange policy.

That sounds good.

Great.
Now this one's sad. Give...

Give her some money.
What?

Frank, give her some money. I'm not giving
her shit! What are you talking about?

May I speak to you two
in the kitchen?

Oh. Yeah.
Yeah.

You two have such a great vibe! I'm
ready to write a check right now.

But I just want to make
sure that I'm helping you...

to have, like, the best
relationship that you can...

so that these kids have
a loving, stable home.

And I know that this
may sound a little weird.

But I have a lot of
training in family therapy.

And I think for me
to help you...

I need to observe you
at your most intimate.

I need to observe you two
making love.

Uh...
Uh...

How long's your boy
been passed out, bro?

I don't know.
A couple of minutes.

I'm just worried he's gonna wake up
before we throw him down those stairs.

You kidding me?
Look at him. He's gone.

Man, he's out.
You're kidding, right?

You're not really gonna
throw him down the stairs. Oh!

We should throw him off the
roof! Right? Great idea, dude.

I'm the thrower.
That's fine.

Why are you guys doing this? That's
what friends do to each other, bro.

No, it isn't!
Guy, his mom just died.

Can you have a little compassion?
My mom just died, all right?

The least you could do is let
us throw your buddy off the roof!

"I'm totally gonna tell Eric
how much I like him tonight.

"Even though Danielle...

"was like all over him
today in school.

"Mother said,
"Don't bother.

He wants
a pretty girl instead. "'

I can't stop crying, Ernesto.

Hey, me neither, Charlie.

Oh, but don't fight it, Charlie!
No!

It is all part of
the healing process.

So tell me, how do you two usually
begin your lovemaking sessions?

That's hard to say,
you know?

Because we start it
in so many... ways.

Seamus, perhaps...

perhaps you should start by,
uh, kissing her neck lightly.

Uh, no.

No, because, uh, we
don't kiss. We don't kiss.

At all. No kissing.
Mmmmm.

That's unusual, but okay.

Okay.
Just tell me w...

Just tell me what
you are into.

I like to watch. So I'm
gonna bounce off the bed...

and observe.

Okay. Okay.

See... You see what
just happened, Dee?

Seamus has just communicated what
turns him on in a healthy way.

Heh.
So... Yeah.

Perhaps now would be a good time
for you to pleasure yourself for him.

Hmm. Then eventually
Seamus will mount you.

Okay. You know what?

I'm gonna have to stop this.
Really?

Uh, yeah.
Yeah?

I'm gonna come clean here
because we've been lying to you.

Deandra... Deandra, just...
No.

Think about what you're doing.
No. You know what? I'm sorry.

We've been lying.
And the reason is...

Think...
we haven't had sex yet...

because we're waiting
until we get married.

We're waiting.
We're saving ourselves.

We're saving ourselves!
Saving ourselves.

It's so important to me and to
him... Yeah, we couldn't do it.

To do that.
Yeah. Right.

And I... And I... And I think that
maybe that's what the tension...

is that you're feeling.
It's all sexual.

Oh, it's so sexual. You know,
I'm also a licensed minister.

So why don't we just do a
wedding? Like do it tomorrow?

Hmm! Because I've
been thinking about it.

And I should never give the money
to an unmarried couple anyway.

Okay.
Okay.

Family and friends,
we're gathered here...

to... to share in the declaration
of a lifelong commitment...

between this man
and this woman.

Deandra, do you take this man to
be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.
Seamus...

do you take this woman
to be your wedded wife?

You bet ya.

Well, then by
the authority of God...

and the laws of the great
state of Pennsylvania...

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Congratulations, Deandra!
You made me so happy.

Yeah. And you just married
your daughter, Frank.

You know who I am? Of
course I know who you are.

You're the little asswipe
who raised my children...

and turned them into
animals, into monsters who...

who lie and steal and
take advantage of people...

and contribute absolutely
nothing to society.

Make sure you're
getting this. Yeah, yeah.

I can't believe Ernesto's missing
this! He's gotta see it. Go get him.

If you knew who he was, then why
did you do the whole ceremony?

I was just trying to push
you two to your limit.

But apparently you...
you have none. So...

I... I hate to interrupt.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Uh, Bruce? Can you... Can you just
pronounce them man and wife again?

I wanna get that in a
close-up. Again? You wanna...

Do the thing where you're like, "And,
yes, of course I know who you are. "

And you were getting so
angry, Bruce. Oh, yeah!

Bruce, can you make 'em kiss
this time, though? Yes. Uh, sure.

May I... May I see the camera for
just a second from this side maybe?

Sure. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Uh...

I'm gonna take this and give it to the
lawyer, and you're gonna lose the house...

because, uh, you violated
the conditions of the will.

Frank was not to set foot
in the house!

Bruce, come on, man. D Dad, be
cool, man. Like, let that slide.

You are acting like a real
bastard, Bruce. That's ridiculous.

You're the most
horrible people alive.

Oh, come on. Oh, that's a
little bit going overboard.

That's a lot. That's a lot to
say. Come on. Don't be like that.

Now I'm gonna lose the party
mansion. Thanks a lot, Frank!

Whoa, guys! Guys, where
you going? Whoa, whoa! Hey!

How did they get free? Oh, come on!
We were just having a little fun!

You guys still wanna be in
our crew? I don't think so.

I don't think they're
gonna go off and tell...

about our great adventures and our
glorious triumphs. It doesn't seem like it.

No. Well, at least we still
have Ernesto. Yeah, whoops.

No, no.
He robbed your house.

Oh, son of a bitch.
Yeah.

Ah, I'm sorry that the grift
didn't work out, sweetie.

We could still go get Mom's
jewelry. I'll get the shovel.