It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Gang Gets Invincible - full transcript
When the Philadelphia Eagles have open tryouts, Dennis, Mac, and Dee all try out. And while watching the tryouts, Frank and Charlie find out that the Mcboyles are their too. Being that Frank needs to use the restroom, he must use the Mcboyles bathroom but first needs to take some of their milk to get in, which seems not to be only milk.
There's no way a mouse
could kill a scorpion.
Dude, a mouse could kill...
It's got sharp claws and teeth.
A rat could kill a scorpion. No shit,
Frank, but we're not talking about a rat.
We're talking about a mouse. If we were
talking about a rat, it still would lose.
A scorpion's this big. A little mouse
fighting a scorpion, and that is final!
Shut up!
Shut up! Oh, my God!
I don't care!
All we're doing is arguing
about the most stupid shit
A rat. A scorpion.
I don't care, man!
When did this start happening?
When did we start arguing all the
time and fighting? This isn't like us!
Look. We're working our asses off in this bar,
and we're getting nothing to show for it...
and so we're starting to
snip and pick at each other.
And it's bullshit, man. 'Cause guess
what. It's a beautiful day outside.
Okay?
We need to change things up.
Let's go outside. Let's
get some fresh air.
Let's run around a little bit.
You know?
Let's just do something different.
You know what, Charlie?
You're right. This is great.
Yeah. It's just nice to do
something different for a change.
Yeah. Enjoy a little
blue sky, some fresh air.
Yeah. Some, uh, earth
beneath our feet.
See? I told you guys
you'd like it. Yeah.
It's goddamn bright out here.
It's so bright. I can't use my eyes.
There's people playing football right
next to us. Like there's no room to drink.
Tell you what. I would like to go back
to the bar. Let's go back to the bar!
Are you kidding me?
Oh!
Oh, look out. Let me see
that. Can I get that back?
Yeah. Go long. I'll
toss you a wicked spiral.
Want to just give me the ball,
dude? We're trying to practice.
What are you practicing for?
I'm trying out for the Eagles.
Uh, the Philadelphia Eagles?
Yeah. They're holding
tryouts for the public.
Like in that movie,
Invincible.
Oh! Was that the one
where the guy from...
the New Kids on the Block makes
it onto the Eagles? I saw that.
Yeah. That's the one. That's a good one.
Wait. So they're actually doing that?
Yes. Just give me the football.
Okay.
Well, Dennis, I think you
know what we have to do.
Dude, did you read
this flyer?
Donovan McNabb is gonna be giving us
a motivational speech. I know, dude.
We are actually going to
be running on the Linc!
Lincoln Field, baby! You guys think
you're actually gonna make the team?
No. Hell, no, we're
not gonna make the team.
But we will finally get to prove once and
for all who's a better football player.
That's right. Trying out for the Eagles
is the best way to settle that score.
You know what? I would like to
join your little competition.
No, no, no, no, no. You...
You... You're a woman.
Women can't do things
like this. You'll get hurt.
No. Women aren't allowed
to try out for football.
That's ridiculous. They should
at least be able to try out.
Well, there are plenty of other
sports that women can try out for.
Yeah.
Like, uh, cooking and...
Complaining to your friends
about your boyfriends.
Yeah. Playing... Playing at ballet.
Cleaning. Displaying cars at
auto shows in tiny bikinis.
Yeah. When you get older, you can
play bridge together. I don't know.
You know what? I am in such
better shape than both of you guys.
Do you not think the first thing they're
gonna do to weed people out is make you run?
Oh, good luck. I could get so
much further than both of you.
You think that's even a possibility? 'Cause
that could be very embarrassing for us.
Well, we're never gonna have to
find out because she can't try out.
You can't try out! You're not allowed
to try out. That is a rule, right?
Check the rules. Okay.
Let's double-check.
We'll put a layer of beer,
then a layer of ice...
What are you guys doing? Dude,
we're gonna tailgate the tryouts.
Oh, shit. That's a good idea. Oh,
you gonna bust out Green Man, bro?
No. No Green Man.
What's Green Man?
Well, in high school, Charlie
was like our school mascot.
A mascot nobody wanted. He'd get wasted
and dress in this green spandex bodysuit.
Spandex?
It was really sad.
That's it. You gotta
bring the Green Man suit.
Yeah, no. Done with it.
The spandex.
Green Man was good. It got
me through some hard times.
But I'm done with it. Tell you
what. You can wear it if you want...
but I'm just gonna be relaxing, okay?
This is gonna be about chilling out for me.
No. This is gonna be exactly
like Woodstock. Oh, is it?
Are you planning on getting
yourself locked in the bathroom...
of your cousin's
Winnebago for three days?
Shut up about that. I
survived on hand soap...
and toilet water for three days.
The memory haunts me.
The Linc, dude The Linc
Yeah, baby.
I am actually gonna be able to look down
and literally see how many yards I'm running.
This is gonna be awesome,
dude. We might actually get...
further in this little
tryout than we thought. Yeah?
See how many yahoos are
trying out? Oh, yeah.
I've seen a lot of
people wearing capes.
There are, like, 15 guys wearing
capes. Why would you wear a cape?
What advantage does that
give you? Absolutely none.
You know what? Have a little respect. We
are here with the Philadelphia Eagles...
and they are opening
up their doors to us.
This is a boyhood dream.
I know. I know.
Why even come out here if you're not gonna
take this somewhat seriously? I mean...
You done pissing yet? No. No.
I haven't even started pissing...
because you're standing next
to me, you're talking to me.
It's making me nervous, and I can't do
my thing. All right. Want another beer?
Yeah. Give me another beer, for Christ sakes.
I'm gonna sit here and not drink another beer?
Yeah.
Okay. Cabana is assembled. The grill
is as sparkling as we're gonna get it.
The margarita machine here is
open for business. Time to relax.
Want to drop some acid with me?
What?
You're dropping acid?
Mmm. Woodstock, baby.
Uh, okay.
Well, no.
Thank you.
Uh, I believe that would have the complete
opposite effect of relaxation for me.
Well, I'm gonna trip balls.
No. You messed up. It's too high.
It doesn't look right on you.
Too high? No, I'm good at it,
dude. I did a good job on you.
That's 'cause I have good
cheekbones. You have good cheekbones?
Yeah. That's 'cause you put
foundation all over, bro.
I put a light base on just
to... Hey, guys. What's up?
What the hell is this?
How's it hangin'?
This is a joke, right? You
think anyone's gonna buy that?
Whatever, bro.
You're gonna get crushed.
Dee, the second any part of your body touches
that field, it's gonna shatter like glass.
You got bones like glass. I
don't have bones like glass.
You spent half your life in a back brace.
Your body's, like, 90% scoliosis, Dee.
Move it, fellas. Let's get on the bus.
Bus? What the hell
are you talking about?
The bus that takes you to the field.
Wait. I thought we were
gonna be playing on the Linc.
You think you dipshits are gonna play
on the same field that champions play on?
Where are we going?
"Where are we going?"
We're going to a shitty high school in
Bucks County. Now get your ass on the bus.
If I say it one more time...
If I say it one more time...
If I say it one more time... Sprint
to the bus. Sprint to the bus.
That's everyone on the bus, dude.
They're leaving. Maybe they're having
the tryouts in a different place.
Son of a bitch. All right. Screw it,
man. We're here. We'll just relax.
Stay here and look at the Linc?
Like a couple of dicks in a yard?
Get out of here!
We gotta get up and go.
Oh...
Let's go follow that bus. Come on.
All right. You get that. You get that.
Come on. Let's go. No, this is so much work.
Charlie, get up. This is
work. I didn't want to...
Let's go. Get the stuff.
We'll follow the bus.
I like your mustache.
Oh. Thank you.
Hmm.
I can't grow one.
Okay.
That's a pretty sweet cape.
Thank you.
My mom made it.
Hmm.
She did a very good job.
Yeah. She's talented.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Can't believe we're not gonna be tearing
it up on the Linc. This is bullshit.
Half the reason I wanted to do this in the
first place was to be out on that field.
Hey, man. Stop smoking, will ya? Some
of us are trying to make the team.
Are you kidding me, bro?
No. Guy, if you think you're
actually going to make...
the Philadelphia Eagles,
then you're pathetic.
You're pathetic. No, you're
pathetic, sport. No, you are
You're pathetic!
You're pathetic!
You're the one who is
pathetic! Whatever, man
When I'm done with this tryout...
you'll go back to your
sad, pitiful life...
and I'll be on the Eagles.
And everybody in Philadelphia
will know the name McPoyle.
What'd you say your name is?
McPoyle.
Doyle McPoyle.
The unibrow.
Yeah.
The eczema. The acne. He's definitely a
McPoyle. There are so many of those people.
Now, this is what I'm talking about.
I don't know, dude.
Look at all the people.
Yeah, but we're stuck over here by the
portable shitters, man. It's kinda lame.
Stop bitching and set up.
No. I'm not setting anything up,
all right? I'm sitting in my chair.
I'm relaxing, I'm getting blackout
drunk, and you're leaving me alone.
All right.
Be a party pooper.
What are you doing,
dude? Taking more acid.
Classic mistake, Frank. You're
making a classic mistake, bro.
Just shut up and sit
in your stupid chair.
It's your funeral, buddy.
Just shut up.
Whoa! Hey there, guy.
That's good.
Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa,
whoa You kidding me, man?
What the hell is that
shit? Man, that won't fly.
Come on, dude. You almost
ran me... Oh, my God.
The McPoyle brothers.
Hello, Charles.
What the hell are
you guys doing here?
We came to support our brother
Doyle. He's gonna make the Eagles.
Okay. Well, that's fantastic.
Great. Whatever, man. That's great.
Yeah. Look... But your bus is
spilling over into our space.
You almost ran me over, man.
Move it back. You gotta
move it back a few feet.
No. No can do.
We need the space.
For what?
The whole family's here.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?
Great. Of course you're here. Good.
How many... What is that a jar of?
What is that a jar of,
dude? What is... Pig parts.
How many can there possibly be?
Oh, good to see her again. Good.
She doesn't know what I'm saying,
right? Okay. Here he comes.
Yeah. You're... You're here
in the world. That's the sun.
It's gonna hurt your eyes. Watch
your mouth. They've got thin corneas.
What is that? A fife? You
brought your little flute.
Is there more? Are there
any more? Get 'em all out.
All right. Look. I tell you
what. Leave me alone, okay?
I don't care what you
do. Just leave me alone.
'Cause, like, I'm here to
relax and have a good time.
I don't want any of your shit.
All right? So leave me alone, okay?
We be cool.
We're even now.
Bump it.
I'm not bumping your fist.
Bump it.
Do it, Charlie. Bump it. I'm
not bumping you, all right?
I never bumped him once! I'm not
gonna bump him! Let's go, Charlie.
Whatever. No bumping. I just don't
want... These guys are freak shows, man.
Hustle up! Let's go, bitches!
Let's move it!
Let's move it!
I was here first, Coach.
Hustle!
Coach! Hi. Hi, there.
Cole. Cole Armstrong.
Three time all-American. Fastest
sprinter in five counties.
Coach, would you like us to stand when you
address us, or do you prefer we take a knee?
I don't give a shit!
Okay. I'll take a knee.
Yeah. I'll take a knee.
We're doing these tryouts for you...
because of your harassment and your
love for the New Kids on the Block movie.
You paid your $30 fee. We
promised you a keynote speaker.
All right. Bring him up.
McNabb, dude.
McNabb.
Gentlemen!
Uh, is this good here? Yeah, that's
cool. Just put your parking brake on.
Donovan McNabb.
Hey, guys.
I'm Donovan McNabb.
Whoo.
Uh, I play quarterback for
the Philadelphia Eagles.
And I'm here to tell
you that you can, too...
if you start every day with a
hearty breakfast from McDonald's.
Uh, like the new Sausage
Egg McGriddle Value Meal...
available now for a limited
time for under five dollars.
Remember, guys. Real
champs eat at McDonald's.
I'm lovin' it.
Can I get the check?
That's good.
What the hell was that?
Thanks, Donnie.
That was not Donovan McNabb!
That was not Donovan McNabb!
Yes, it was. It was
like a McDonald's plug.
Was that the guy from The Cosby
Show? That's not the guy from...
Yeah. He was married
to Sondra. Alvin. Alvin.
That's awesome. They had
Raven-Symon?. That's So Raven.
That's not the guy from...
You know what? Sprints!
Goddamn it!
Sprints!
Sprints!
Good job, dude.
I'm starting to feel it.
Mmm! I bet you are, bud.
Feeling weird. Yeah. You're
probably feeling very weird.
The acid's making me feel
like I gotta take a dump.
That's what happens when you take
a lot of acid, dude. I gotta go.
Then go.
The line's too long.
Maybe I can hold it in.
Then go in the McPoyles'
camper, dude.
Oh, no. That might
bring back bad memories.
I think I'm gonna hold it.
How you feeling?
Annoyed.
There's nothing kicking in yet?
What are you talking about?
The beer? No. The acid.
I did not take any acid.
Remember?
Oh, yeah, you did.
What are you talking about? I
put a shitload of it in your beer.
What?
Yeah.
Is that what all those little pieces of paper
were floating... I drank all that shit, dude!
That's okay. There was,
like, a ton of acid in there!
Yeah.
Why would you do that?
I don't want to be the only
one tripping. Oh, my God, man!
Charlie.
Oh, my God!
I actually really have to
go take a dump. Oh, my God.
Shut up. I don't care. Go to their camper.
I don't care, dude. Get out of here.
Oh, you sick son of a bitch, dude!
Why would you do...
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
You ready to quit yet, Cole?
Yeah. You had enough yet, Cole?
Yeah, Cole! We ran
for, like, 10 minutes.
My side is gonna explode. You
guys are in terrible shape.
This is gonna be a lot
easier than I thought.
Let's go! Let's go!
Move it!
I'm in so much pain.
All right. Now that we
got our hearts pumping...
let's pick out some gear, pick
a partner... hitting drills!
I pick Cole!
Oh, no, he didn't!
Oh, no, he didn't!
That's my dance. That's
my signature dance. Yeah.
I'm gonna do that when
I tackle people. Yeah.
I like your form on that, and I
liked how you went before the whistle.
Goddamn right.
Nice.
All right, guys.
Let's pick new partners.
Eeny, meeny...
miny, mo.
Nice.
All right.
You're up, man.
Ah. Uh, hitting's not
really my thing, Coach.
Spoken like a true champion.
You just might make the team.
Awesome. Really?
Jesus Christ.
Okay, Frank. That
was easy. Now just exit.
Don't talk to anybody.
These people are freak shows.
Wait. Wait.
Better wash your hands.
No telling what kind of
germs these McPoyles have.
Oh! Crap!
I'm starting to feel weird.
What the hell?
Oh, no. Not again.
Oh, no! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Somebody
get me outta here!
Man, my brother just
leveled your boy out there.
He's gonna make the Eagles.
Yeah, your boy's a pansy.
But Doyle's a big strong guy. It's
probably 'cause he eats all that fish.
Is he just gonna talk at
me? I am gonna lose my shit.
What is going on with his head?
It's too small or tight or something.
Yeah, that's it.
His skin's too tight.
My skin's not tight.
Good catch, Doyle!
Good catch Way to hustle!
Way to hustle! All right.
Who's next? This guy.
All right.
Run out and hook in.
Run out and hook in. Show these
people how to play football.
I'm gonna make Mac look so bad.
My form is perfect.
I'm like Jerry Rice.
Feel that stride.
So fluid and fast.
I've got the stride of a gazelle.
A beautiful, beautiful
gazelle person.
My body is achieving a
perfect symmetry right now.
It's that long, lean muscle
I've worked so hard to achieve.
Hmm, I should've popped
my shirt off. Goddamn it.
Really should've
popped that shirt off.
I wonder if any women are
watching from the sidelines.
All right, Dee. You can do this.
You can kick a football. You're
better at sports than Mac and Dennis.
Holy shit!
The other coaches
gotta hear about this.
Well, well, look who's a natural.
Guess I'll be getting
further than you after all.
Maybe it was a lucky kick.
No.
No. Those storklike legs...
they act like pendulums.
And on the bottoms of those
pendulums, feet like wrecking balls.
We gotta do something
about this, dude.
Let's go talk to Frank.
Come on. I got an idea.
Somebody! Somebody help!
Goddamn it!
Goddamn it! Not again!
Frank.
Hey, Frank.
Who said that?
I'm Artemis.
I'm Dee's friend.
I'm trapped.
I know.
But I can help.
Crawl into my mouth.
I don't think I can fit.
Mmm, sure you will. Just
go one leg at a time.
Okay.
Into the toilet I go.
Man, this is crazy. You are dancing
with the entire McRoyle family.
These people are freak
shows, man. Freaks.
But you're keeping your cool.
You are keeping your cool.
You know why? Because
you are the Green Man.
Green Man is saving
your life right now, bro.
Just go with the flow.
Charlie, we've been looking all
over for you, dude. Ah, Green Man.
I knew you couldn't resist.
Huh?
You know what? I'm actually
tripping pretty hard right now.
You're tripping?
Yeah.
Frank gave me some acid, and
it's like... whoo! Oh, Jesus.
Hey, guys. Guess who got invited to
training camp. Yeah. We're gonna be famous.
Look. We need to talk to Green Man alone for
a second, please. Okay? Thank you. Yes. Bye.
Hey. Can we talk to the Green Man? Just
go. Thank you. Can we... Guys mind...
Charlie, where's Frank? It's
very important. Really important.
Oh, Frank?
Yes.
He's standing right there.
Frank, what the hell are you doing?
He's been trying to climb through
that trash can for 20 minutes.
I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
Thank God you guys are
here. How'd you get in here?
What are you talking about? I've been
stuck in this bathroom for three hours.
I think he took a dump in there.
Can you give us a
second, please? Whatever.
I'm getting tired of
watching him anyway.
All right. Frank, listen.
Did you bring your gun today?
Great. Walk me through
the plan. Awesome.
The plan is, I get close to Dee.
When she goes to punt the ball,
I'll fire the gun. It'll startle her.
She'll blow the kick.
That's a great plan.
Wait a second! How long have we been
standing right here? Like two seconds.
Seriously? Yeah. Frank, give
me the gun. We're in a hurry.
Where is it?
It's in your hand.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! When
the hell did I put Green Man on?
I don't know.
That lizard talks!
Where? Where?
I don't like lizards!
We don't have time for this. Frank, just
give us the gun! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Lizard, am I standing in poop?
I'm about to demonstrate to all of
you my natural abilities as a punter.
I'm gonna kick this ball 60 yards
right in front of your faces...
and I'm gonna do it...
as a woman.
Oh, that's right. I'm a woman.
And I'm about to show
all of you that women...
should be allowed to try out
for the Philadelphia Eagles.
Coach.
Wrap your minds around this.
Oh!
Oh, I broke it.
Oh, it may be broken.
Oh, sweet Jesus, I think I broke it.
Kick your legs, man. Come on. All right,
Frank. You're out of the trash can.
Now a deal is a deal. Give
us the gun. Hold on. Hold on.
I'm really peaking here.
Stop pointing the gun at
us! Stop pointing it at us!
Point it somewhere else. Nobody minds
if I do a little dancing now, do they?
Nobody cares if you're
dancing, Charlie. Hey, guys.
Could somebody please take me to the
hospital, because I'm pretty sure...
I broke every single bone in my
foot punting that football. Really?
Yeah. I didn't make the Eagles, but I would
like to go to the emergency room now, please.
So your bones are made
out of glass. Yes! Nice.
No, my bones aren't... Know what? It doesn't
matter, because I made the furthest, so I win.
No, I win because you're the girl,
and you got knocked unconscious.
You didn't win. You got
crushed. Once again! Yes!
That is so stupid. Guess
what. I made it the farthest.
Yes, yes, yes!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
What are you talking about?
You shattered every...
Holy shit. This thing is loaded.
My leg!
Doyle, are you okay?
My leg!
Somebody shot my leg!
No!
Oh, that's not good.
That's not good.
No. That could come back and bite us
in the ass. That's not a good thing.
Ready?
Let's go!
could kill a scorpion.
Dude, a mouse could kill...
It's got sharp claws and teeth.
A rat could kill a scorpion. No shit,
Frank, but we're not talking about a rat.
We're talking about a mouse. If we were
talking about a rat, it still would lose.
A scorpion's this big. A little mouse
fighting a scorpion, and that is final!
Shut up!
Shut up! Oh, my God!
I don't care!
All we're doing is arguing
about the most stupid shit
A rat. A scorpion.
I don't care, man!
When did this start happening?
When did we start arguing all the
time and fighting? This isn't like us!
Look. We're working our asses off in this bar,
and we're getting nothing to show for it...
and so we're starting to
snip and pick at each other.
And it's bullshit, man. 'Cause guess
what. It's a beautiful day outside.
Okay?
We need to change things up.
Let's go outside. Let's
get some fresh air.
Let's run around a little bit.
You know?
Let's just do something different.
You know what, Charlie?
You're right. This is great.
Yeah. It's just nice to do
something different for a change.
Yeah. Enjoy a little
blue sky, some fresh air.
Yeah. Some, uh, earth
beneath our feet.
See? I told you guys
you'd like it. Yeah.
It's goddamn bright out here.
It's so bright. I can't use my eyes.
There's people playing football right
next to us. Like there's no room to drink.
Tell you what. I would like to go back
to the bar. Let's go back to the bar!
Are you kidding me?
Oh!
Oh, look out. Let me see
that. Can I get that back?
Yeah. Go long. I'll
toss you a wicked spiral.
Want to just give me the ball,
dude? We're trying to practice.
What are you practicing for?
I'm trying out for the Eagles.
Uh, the Philadelphia Eagles?
Yeah. They're holding
tryouts for the public.
Like in that movie,
Invincible.
Oh! Was that the one
where the guy from...
the New Kids on the Block makes
it onto the Eagles? I saw that.
Yeah. That's the one. That's a good one.
Wait. So they're actually doing that?
Yes. Just give me the football.
Okay.
Well, Dennis, I think you
know what we have to do.
Dude, did you read
this flyer?
Donovan McNabb is gonna be giving us
a motivational speech. I know, dude.
We are actually going to
be running on the Linc!
Lincoln Field, baby! You guys think
you're actually gonna make the team?
No. Hell, no, we're
not gonna make the team.
But we will finally get to prove once and
for all who's a better football player.
That's right. Trying out for the Eagles
is the best way to settle that score.
You know what? I would like to
join your little competition.
No, no, no, no, no. You...
You... You're a woman.
Women can't do things
like this. You'll get hurt.
No. Women aren't allowed
to try out for football.
That's ridiculous. They should
at least be able to try out.
Well, there are plenty of other
sports that women can try out for.
Yeah.
Like, uh, cooking and...
Complaining to your friends
about your boyfriends.
Yeah. Playing... Playing at ballet.
Cleaning. Displaying cars at
auto shows in tiny bikinis.
Yeah. When you get older, you can
play bridge together. I don't know.
You know what? I am in such
better shape than both of you guys.
Do you not think the first thing they're
gonna do to weed people out is make you run?
Oh, good luck. I could get so
much further than both of you.
You think that's even a possibility? 'Cause
that could be very embarrassing for us.
Well, we're never gonna have to
find out because she can't try out.
You can't try out! You're not allowed
to try out. That is a rule, right?
Check the rules. Okay.
Let's double-check.
We'll put a layer of beer,
then a layer of ice...
What are you guys doing? Dude,
we're gonna tailgate the tryouts.
Oh, shit. That's a good idea. Oh,
you gonna bust out Green Man, bro?
No. No Green Man.
What's Green Man?
Well, in high school, Charlie
was like our school mascot.
A mascot nobody wanted. He'd get wasted
and dress in this green spandex bodysuit.
Spandex?
It was really sad.
That's it. You gotta
bring the Green Man suit.
Yeah, no. Done with it.
The spandex.
Green Man was good. It got
me through some hard times.
But I'm done with it. Tell you
what. You can wear it if you want...
but I'm just gonna be relaxing, okay?
This is gonna be about chilling out for me.
No. This is gonna be exactly
like Woodstock. Oh, is it?
Are you planning on getting
yourself locked in the bathroom...
of your cousin's
Winnebago for three days?
Shut up about that. I
survived on hand soap...
and toilet water for three days.
The memory haunts me.
The Linc, dude The Linc
Yeah, baby.
I am actually gonna be able to look down
and literally see how many yards I'm running.
This is gonna be awesome,
dude. We might actually get...
further in this little
tryout than we thought. Yeah?
See how many yahoos are
trying out? Oh, yeah.
I've seen a lot of
people wearing capes.
There are, like, 15 guys wearing
capes. Why would you wear a cape?
What advantage does that
give you? Absolutely none.
You know what? Have a little respect. We
are here with the Philadelphia Eagles...
and they are opening
up their doors to us.
This is a boyhood dream.
I know. I know.
Why even come out here if you're not gonna
take this somewhat seriously? I mean...
You done pissing yet? No. No.
I haven't even started pissing...
because you're standing next
to me, you're talking to me.
It's making me nervous, and I can't do
my thing. All right. Want another beer?
Yeah. Give me another beer, for Christ sakes.
I'm gonna sit here and not drink another beer?
Yeah.
Okay. Cabana is assembled. The grill
is as sparkling as we're gonna get it.
The margarita machine here is
open for business. Time to relax.
Want to drop some acid with me?
What?
You're dropping acid?
Mmm. Woodstock, baby.
Uh, okay.
Well, no.
Thank you.
Uh, I believe that would have the complete
opposite effect of relaxation for me.
Well, I'm gonna trip balls.
No. You messed up. It's too high.
It doesn't look right on you.
Too high? No, I'm good at it,
dude. I did a good job on you.
That's 'cause I have good
cheekbones. You have good cheekbones?
Yeah. That's 'cause you put
foundation all over, bro.
I put a light base on just
to... Hey, guys. What's up?
What the hell is this?
How's it hangin'?
This is a joke, right? You
think anyone's gonna buy that?
Whatever, bro.
You're gonna get crushed.
Dee, the second any part of your body touches
that field, it's gonna shatter like glass.
You got bones like glass. I
don't have bones like glass.
You spent half your life in a back brace.
Your body's, like, 90% scoliosis, Dee.
Move it, fellas. Let's get on the bus.
Bus? What the hell
are you talking about?
The bus that takes you to the field.
Wait. I thought we were
gonna be playing on the Linc.
You think you dipshits are gonna play
on the same field that champions play on?
Where are we going?
"Where are we going?"
We're going to a shitty high school in
Bucks County. Now get your ass on the bus.
If I say it one more time...
If I say it one more time...
If I say it one more time... Sprint
to the bus. Sprint to the bus.
That's everyone on the bus, dude.
They're leaving. Maybe they're having
the tryouts in a different place.
Son of a bitch. All right. Screw it,
man. We're here. We'll just relax.
Stay here and look at the Linc?
Like a couple of dicks in a yard?
Get out of here!
We gotta get up and go.
Oh...
Let's go follow that bus. Come on.
All right. You get that. You get that.
Come on. Let's go. No, this is so much work.
Charlie, get up. This is
work. I didn't want to...
Let's go. Get the stuff.
We'll follow the bus.
I like your mustache.
Oh. Thank you.
Hmm.
I can't grow one.
Okay.
That's a pretty sweet cape.
Thank you.
My mom made it.
Hmm.
She did a very good job.
Yeah. She's talented.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Can't believe we're not gonna be tearing
it up on the Linc. This is bullshit.
Half the reason I wanted to do this in the
first place was to be out on that field.
Hey, man. Stop smoking, will ya? Some
of us are trying to make the team.
Are you kidding me, bro?
No. Guy, if you think you're
actually going to make...
the Philadelphia Eagles,
then you're pathetic.
You're pathetic. No, you're
pathetic, sport. No, you are
You're pathetic!
You're pathetic!
You're the one who is
pathetic! Whatever, man
When I'm done with this tryout...
you'll go back to your
sad, pitiful life...
and I'll be on the Eagles.
And everybody in Philadelphia
will know the name McPoyle.
What'd you say your name is?
McPoyle.
Doyle McPoyle.
The unibrow.
Yeah.
The eczema. The acne. He's definitely a
McPoyle. There are so many of those people.
Now, this is what I'm talking about.
I don't know, dude.
Look at all the people.
Yeah, but we're stuck over here by the
portable shitters, man. It's kinda lame.
Stop bitching and set up.
No. I'm not setting anything up,
all right? I'm sitting in my chair.
I'm relaxing, I'm getting blackout
drunk, and you're leaving me alone.
All right.
Be a party pooper.
What are you doing,
dude? Taking more acid.
Classic mistake, Frank. You're
making a classic mistake, bro.
Just shut up and sit
in your stupid chair.
It's your funeral, buddy.
Just shut up.
Whoa! Hey there, guy.
That's good.
Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa,
whoa You kidding me, man?
What the hell is that
shit? Man, that won't fly.
Come on, dude. You almost
ran me... Oh, my God.
The McPoyle brothers.
Hello, Charles.
What the hell are
you guys doing here?
We came to support our brother
Doyle. He's gonna make the Eagles.
Okay. Well, that's fantastic.
Great. Whatever, man. That's great.
Yeah. Look... But your bus is
spilling over into our space.
You almost ran me over, man.
Move it back. You gotta
move it back a few feet.
No. No can do.
We need the space.
For what?
The whole family's here.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?
Great. Of course you're here. Good.
How many... What is that a jar of?
What is that a jar of,
dude? What is... Pig parts.
How many can there possibly be?
Oh, good to see her again. Good.
She doesn't know what I'm saying,
right? Okay. Here he comes.
Yeah. You're... You're here
in the world. That's the sun.
It's gonna hurt your eyes. Watch
your mouth. They've got thin corneas.
What is that? A fife? You
brought your little flute.
Is there more? Are there
any more? Get 'em all out.
All right. Look. I tell you
what. Leave me alone, okay?
I don't care what you
do. Just leave me alone.
'Cause, like, I'm here to
relax and have a good time.
I don't want any of your shit.
All right? So leave me alone, okay?
We be cool.
We're even now.
Bump it.
I'm not bumping your fist.
Bump it.
Do it, Charlie. Bump it. I'm
not bumping you, all right?
I never bumped him once! I'm not
gonna bump him! Let's go, Charlie.
Whatever. No bumping. I just don't
want... These guys are freak shows, man.
Hustle up! Let's go, bitches!
Let's move it!
Let's move it!
I was here first, Coach.
Hustle!
Coach! Hi. Hi, there.
Cole. Cole Armstrong.
Three time all-American. Fastest
sprinter in five counties.
Coach, would you like us to stand when you
address us, or do you prefer we take a knee?
I don't give a shit!
Okay. I'll take a knee.
Yeah. I'll take a knee.
We're doing these tryouts for you...
because of your harassment and your
love for the New Kids on the Block movie.
You paid your $30 fee. We
promised you a keynote speaker.
All right. Bring him up.
McNabb, dude.
McNabb.
Gentlemen!
Uh, is this good here? Yeah, that's
cool. Just put your parking brake on.
Donovan McNabb.
Hey, guys.
I'm Donovan McNabb.
Whoo.
Uh, I play quarterback for
the Philadelphia Eagles.
And I'm here to tell
you that you can, too...
if you start every day with a
hearty breakfast from McDonald's.
Uh, like the new Sausage
Egg McGriddle Value Meal...
available now for a limited
time for under five dollars.
Remember, guys. Real
champs eat at McDonald's.
I'm lovin' it.
Can I get the check?
That's good.
What the hell was that?
Thanks, Donnie.
That was not Donovan McNabb!
That was not Donovan McNabb!
Yes, it was. It was
like a McDonald's plug.
Was that the guy from The Cosby
Show? That's not the guy from...
Yeah. He was married
to Sondra. Alvin. Alvin.
That's awesome. They had
Raven-Symon?. That's So Raven.
That's not the guy from...
You know what? Sprints!
Goddamn it!
Sprints!
Sprints!
Good job, dude.
I'm starting to feel it.
Mmm! I bet you are, bud.
Feeling weird. Yeah. You're
probably feeling very weird.
The acid's making me feel
like I gotta take a dump.
That's what happens when you take
a lot of acid, dude. I gotta go.
Then go.
The line's too long.
Maybe I can hold it in.
Then go in the McPoyles'
camper, dude.
Oh, no. That might
bring back bad memories.
I think I'm gonna hold it.
How you feeling?
Annoyed.
There's nothing kicking in yet?
What are you talking about?
The beer? No. The acid.
I did not take any acid.
Remember?
Oh, yeah, you did.
What are you talking about? I
put a shitload of it in your beer.
What?
Yeah.
Is that what all those little pieces of paper
were floating... I drank all that shit, dude!
That's okay. There was,
like, a ton of acid in there!
Yeah.
Why would you do that?
I don't want to be the only
one tripping. Oh, my God, man!
Charlie.
Oh, my God!
I actually really have to
go take a dump. Oh, my God.
Shut up. I don't care. Go to their camper.
I don't care, dude. Get out of here.
Oh, you sick son of a bitch, dude!
Why would you do...
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
You ready to quit yet, Cole?
Yeah. You had enough yet, Cole?
Yeah, Cole! We ran
for, like, 10 minutes.
My side is gonna explode. You
guys are in terrible shape.
This is gonna be a lot
easier than I thought.
Let's go! Let's go!
Move it!
I'm in so much pain.
All right. Now that we
got our hearts pumping...
let's pick out some gear, pick
a partner... hitting drills!
I pick Cole!
Oh, no, he didn't!
Oh, no, he didn't!
That's my dance. That's
my signature dance. Yeah.
I'm gonna do that when
I tackle people. Yeah.
I like your form on that, and I
liked how you went before the whistle.
Goddamn right.
Nice.
All right, guys.
Let's pick new partners.
Eeny, meeny...
miny, mo.
Nice.
All right.
You're up, man.
Ah. Uh, hitting's not
really my thing, Coach.
Spoken like a true champion.
You just might make the team.
Awesome. Really?
Jesus Christ.
Okay, Frank. That
was easy. Now just exit.
Don't talk to anybody.
These people are freak shows.
Wait. Wait.
Better wash your hands.
No telling what kind of
germs these McPoyles have.
Oh! Crap!
I'm starting to feel weird.
What the hell?
Oh, no. Not again.
Oh, no! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Somebody
get me outta here!
Man, my brother just
leveled your boy out there.
He's gonna make the Eagles.
Yeah, your boy's a pansy.
But Doyle's a big strong guy. It's
probably 'cause he eats all that fish.
Is he just gonna talk at
me? I am gonna lose my shit.
What is going on with his head?
It's too small or tight or something.
Yeah, that's it.
His skin's too tight.
My skin's not tight.
Good catch, Doyle!
Good catch Way to hustle!
Way to hustle! All right.
Who's next? This guy.
All right.
Run out and hook in.
Run out and hook in. Show these
people how to play football.
I'm gonna make Mac look so bad.
My form is perfect.
I'm like Jerry Rice.
Feel that stride.
So fluid and fast.
I've got the stride of a gazelle.
A beautiful, beautiful
gazelle person.
My body is achieving a
perfect symmetry right now.
It's that long, lean muscle
I've worked so hard to achieve.
Hmm, I should've popped
my shirt off. Goddamn it.
Really should've
popped that shirt off.
I wonder if any women are
watching from the sidelines.
All right, Dee. You can do this.
You can kick a football. You're
better at sports than Mac and Dennis.
Holy shit!
The other coaches
gotta hear about this.
Well, well, look who's a natural.
Guess I'll be getting
further than you after all.
Maybe it was a lucky kick.
No.
No. Those storklike legs...
they act like pendulums.
And on the bottoms of those
pendulums, feet like wrecking balls.
We gotta do something
about this, dude.
Let's go talk to Frank.
Come on. I got an idea.
Somebody! Somebody help!
Goddamn it!
Goddamn it! Not again!
Frank.
Hey, Frank.
Who said that?
I'm Artemis.
I'm Dee's friend.
I'm trapped.
I know.
But I can help.
Crawl into my mouth.
I don't think I can fit.
Mmm, sure you will. Just
go one leg at a time.
Okay.
Into the toilet I go.
Man, this is crazy. You are dancing
with the entire McRoyle family.
These people are freak
shows, man. Freaks.
But you're keeping your cool.
You are keeping your cool.
You know why? Because
you are the Green Man.
Green Man is saving
your life right now, bro.
Just go with the flow.
Charlie, we've been looking all
over for you, dude. Ah, Green Man.
I knew you couldn't resist.
Huh?
You know what? I'm actually
tripping pretty hard right now.
You're tripping?
Yeah.
Frank gave me some acid, and
it's like... whoo! Oh, Jesus.
Hey, guys. Guess who got invited to
training camp. Yeah. We're gonna be famous.
Look. We need to talk to Green Man alone for
a second, please. Okay? Thank you. Yes. Bye.
Hey. Can we talk to the Green Man? Just
go. Thank you. Can we... Guys mind...
Charlie, where's Frank? It's
very important. Really important.
Oh, Frank?
Yes.
He's standing right there.
Frank, what the hell are you doing?
He's been trying to climb through
that trash can for 20 minutes.
I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
Thank God you guys are
here. How'd you get in here?
What are you talking about? I've been
stuck in this bathroom for three hours.
I think he took a dump in there.
Can you give us a
second, please? Whatever.
I'm getting tired of
watching him anyway.
All right. Frank, listen.
Did you bring your gun today?
Great. Walk me through
the plan. Awesome.
The plan is, I get close to Dee.
When she goes to punt the ball,
I'll fire the gun. It'll startle her.
She'll blow the kick.
That's a great plan.
Wait a second! How long have we been
standing right here? Like two seconds.
Seriously? Yeah. Frank, give
me the gun. We're in a hurry.
Where is it?
It's in your hand.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! When
the hell did I put Green Man on?
I don't know.
That lizard talks!
Where? Where?
I don't like lizards!
We don't have time for this. Frank, just
give us the gun! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Lizard, am I standing in poop?
I'm about to demonstrate to all of
you my natural abilities as a punter.
I'm gonna kick this ball 60 yards
right in front of your faces...
and I'm gonna do it...
as a woman.
Oh, that's right. I'm a woman.
And I'm about to show
all of you that women...
should be allowed to try out
for the Philadelphia Eagles.
Coach.
Wrap your minds around this.
Oh!
Oh, I broke it.
Oh, it may be broken.
Oh, sweet Jesus, I think I broke it.
Kick your legs, man. Come on. All right,
Frank. You're out of the trash can.
Now a deal is a deal. Give
us the gun. Hold on. Hold on.
I'm really peaking here.
Stop pointing the gun at
us! Stop pointing it at us!
Point it somewhere else. Nobody minds
if I do a little dancing now, do they?
Nobody cares if you're
dancing, Charlie. Hey, guys.
Could somebody please take me to the
hospital, because I'm pretty sure...
I broke every single bone in my
foot punting that football. Really?
Yeah. I didn't make the Eagles, but I would
like to go to the emergency room now, please.
So your bones are made
out of glass. Yes! Nice.
No, my bones aren't... Know what? It doesn't
matter, because I made the furthest, so I win.
No, I win because you're the girl,
and you got knocked unconscious.
You didn't win. You got
crushed. Once again! Yes!
That is so stupid. Guess
what. I made it the farthest.
Yes, yes, yes!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
What are you talking about?
You shattered every...
Holy shit. This thing is loaded.
My leg!
Doyle, are you okay?
My leg!
Somebody shot my leg!
No!
Oh, that's not good.
That's not good.
No. That could come back and bite us
in the ass. That's not a good thing.
Ready?
Let's go!