It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 2 - full transcript

We keep putting more on, and
It's not showing up at all.

Well, then I guess cocaine
is weightless, all right?

I'm gonna file that up here actually.

What are you doing?
Cleaning my hands off.

What are you, a cat? Use a
towel. My mouth's right here.

We talked about this. No
getting high on the supply.

I'm not getting high. I'm
just cleaning my hands.

We have to be very careful, considering
our past addictions to glue and crack.

We got over that.
I got over that.

I don't smoke crack anymore.
You huff glue every single day.

No, I don't.
No? Did you have any today?

It's still gross, Frank.
We made a thousand dollars.

No. I made a thousand
dollars. You didn't do shit.

You just sat in the car and read a
magazine. What the hell do I need you for?

Give me that money.
Every ho needs his pimp.

We got any vials around
here? Vials for what?

We went back to Bingo. We got
a little of the cocaine back...

with the money that
we got from the pills.

You better go back and get a gun,
because dealin' drugs is dangerous.

No, it isn't. It's a rich person's
drug. There's no danger involved.

It's, like, stockbrokers and
high-powered business executives.

We'll just go down
to Center City and...

Waltz into a board meeting, slap your
drugs down on the conference table...

and be, like, "Hey, you guys wanna
buy drugs? We're drug dealers. "

Are you saying that's not
gonna work? What are you saying?

What are you saying exactly?

I'm saying that that is not
gonna... You don't like that idea?

At least we didn't become prostitutes.

I am not a prostitute. I am
providing... Let me handle this.

Dennis is providing a very important
service to lonely people in need.

Really? So he speaks for you now?
No.

I was... He doesn't have to
speak if he doesn't want to.

I don't? Really? No. You
leave everything to me.

All you have to do is sit there,
relax, have yourself a drink...

and just keep looking handsome.

Okay. I like that arrangement.
Get me a beer, Frank.

Oh, no beer. Too many calories.
Yep.

It's all about keeping
this body fit. Mm-hmm.

Ehheh. I'll get you a nice vodka tonic.

Well, that doesn't have
much calories...

so I think that's a smart... drink.

I take care of my boy.

Every time you talk, you
weaken the nation. Shut up.

Why you wanna hurt me? I'm not hurtin'
you. Just shut up and play cards.

You're judgin'. You
judge me all the time.

I'm just tryin' to
remain elegant over here.

Don't try so hard.
Remain quiet.

Oh! Youse guys got the
right idea with these.

It's, like, the perfect mix
of comfort and wind resistance.

They make that In men's?

Huh? I think this is
men's. Yeah, it's men's.

Listen, guys. I was thinkin' we go
down to Paddy's, put the squeeze on 'em.

We're right in the middle
of somethin' right now.

Don't you guys do anything besides
play cards and eat deli meats?

Go wash my car.

Fellas! I feel like I'm being
seriously underutilized here.

Look, if you just give me a chance...

I could show you how hard
I actually am.

What? That's right. I'm so hard
that people are scared of me.

And they should be, 'cause
I'll explode all over them.

What's the matter with
you? I'm eatin' here.

What? What are you
talkin' about, your dick?

My dick? No, I'm talkin' about my
brute force and my catlike reflexes.

You hear that, Anthony?
He's got catlike reflexes.

That's right.
Hands like a cat.

You know what? I think someone
just earned themselves a nickname.

Really? What?
Yep.

From now on, you'll be
known as Pussy Hands.

I'd like to go on record
saying I don't like Pussy Hands.

But Cougar Hands would be good.

Here's to you, Pussy Hands.
That's great. It's settled.

Hey, Pussy Hands, go wash my car.

How about Jaguar Hands?
Nah.

Leopard Hands?
Nah.

Panther Hands.
Nah.

Goddamn it.

Go get your saucer of milk, honey.

He does have gorgeous hands though.

Excuse us.
Excuse me. Sir? Ma'am?

Hi. Would you two
be interested in...

These people are just walking too fast.

You know what we should do? We
should go back to the country club.

Remember the country
club, with the jockeys?

This about the horse,
Charlie? It is about the horse.

Goddamn it. I'm pretty sure those
jockeys are raping that horse.

They're raping the shit out of
it. Excuse me, sir. Can I talk...

They're racing by us
as fast as they can.

These people are revved up. They're in
fifth gear, and we're stuck in first.

We need to boost our r. p. m. 's.
Let's get goin' a little bit.

What are you suggesting?

A little dip into our Bolivian marching
powder, then we're back on the street.

Not in your nose. That's
how you become a drug addict.

Rub it all over your gums,
Dee. All over your gums.

Okay. Feel that? How's
that feel for you?

Whoa. I see what you mean, Charlie.

I see... It's like my mouth
is no longer a part of my head.

I kind of feel nothing,
but it feels so good.

That's the feeling you're going
for. That's where you wanna be at.

Keep reapplying every 10 to 15
minutes. That's what I've been doing.

It kinda wears down. What?
Charlie. Ten to 15 minutes?

No. We're gonna run out. No
more gumming for a little while.

No more gumming. We're good though.

I'm ready. I'm good.
I feel pretty good.

I feel weird, but pretty
good. Let's start the show.

Let's be like Wall Street
and... Rickety Cricket.

That's Rickety Cricket!
Rickety!

Rickety Cricket!
Rickety!

Where have you been
hiding? Where have you been?

They let you become a priest
again, huh? Congratulations.

It's the reverend. Hey,
man. How you doin', man?

Keep your head up,
Reverend. Keep the faith.

Bless you.

Oh. Yikes. I get it.
It's like... Okay.

Ever since you convinced
me to abandon the church...

my life has been in a bit of a tailspin.

Who? Me or Charlie?

You, Dee. You.

That doesn't ring a bell. There
was something that happened.

I wasn't sure that it was
that. I don't think it was that.

So you're livin' on the
streets now, Cricket.

Yes, I'm living... That's
great. That's really great.

Actually, it's the
opposite of great, Charlie.

It's one of the darkest
times of my life.

Is it? Is it? That makes sense. Yes.

But the good thing is that you
must know a lot of drug addicts.

Yes. I was actually attacked by a
couple last night. Almost got stabbed.

Really? That's great.
Did you? Did you really?

Wonderful, Cricket. Then you
can help us sell our cocaine.

Do you know those guys?
Can you sell drugs to them?

Do you bump into them? Do you
guys hang out on certain corners?

Are you close?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You want me to sell drugs for you?

We would do it, but we're not
street urchins. Yeah, man. Yeah.

Know what I mean?
But you.

They would buy drugs from a
street urchin like yourself.

You got the "street
urchin" thing goin' on.

Please stop calling me a street
urchin. I'm not a street urchin.

You are what you are now.
You know what I'm sayin'.

I was a priest. I have
a master's in theology.

That was then. This is now.
What good's it doing you?

I am trying to get my life back on track.
I don't think selling drugs is a smart move.

Uhoh. I'm sorry.
Come on, Cricket.

I guess Charlie and I didn't see you
sitting atop your homeless ivory tower.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

What is your problem? You just
push my buttons, don't you?

You just enjoy pushing my buttons.

What have you done?
I've done nothing to her.

Can I stop this little lovers' quarrel?

You're not fooling anybody, Cricket.

Clearly, the two of you have
strong feelings for each other...

and you're letting that get in the
way of a good business deal here.

Look, Cricket, for the love
of God, help us out here, man.

I am not...

I tell you what. I'll let
you stay at Dee's place.

No.
Till you're back up on your feet.

Dee's place? Yeah. You
two alone, together.

One thing could lead to
another. You never know.

You think she still likes me?

Yeah.

I wasn't sure. I know we
have sort of a sexual tension.

No, no, no. You guys got
your own thing going on.

I gotta take a cut now,
Cricket. We're working together.

Jesus Christ, Frank. I can't
believe you had that thing made.

Every pimp has a chalice.
This one is the shit.

Great. How much money
did you drop on that?

A lot.

You spend a shitload of money on a chalice
you're just gonna eat cereal out of...

but you won't bail us
out by paying the mob?

By the way, your Jane
is sitting over there.

Aw, you gotta be kid... Dude,
she's, like, a hundred years old.

Sixty-eight tops. That's
still extremely old.

Well, I'm not kissing that.

You don't have to kiss her. We
can make that one of your rules.

This time, nothing with the ass.

That got really weird last time.

What are you talkin' about? You didn't
set up that ass play on the last one?

No. I never set up any ass play.

All right. Well.

I wanna set up a doctor's appointment
anyway just to be... just to be safe.

All right. Do that.
All right. Here we go.

Hypothetically speaking here...

do you think you could teach a horse
to sit on a barstool and drink beer?

I don't know. Maybe. Would you hypothetically
pay really good money to see that?

Is this about bringing a horse back
to the bar? That is completely insane.

I'm askin' hypothetical questions here.

I'm sorry. I'm a little preoccupied with
worrying about being killed by the mob...

because a homeless priest ran off
with all of our drugs. Sure. Sure.

Who is it?
It's Matt.

Who?
Matthew Mara.

It's Rickety Cricket. It's Rickety
Cricket. It's Rickety Cricket.

Hey! Come on in, man.
Hey!

Come in. Oh! Yeah!

Where should I put this?
Why does he have that?

Why does he have his stuff? Charlie
said I could move... It's not important.

Look at this place.

It's exactly as I imagined
it would be. What is?

Cricks? How'd you do
with our drugs, man?

Oh. Uh, I sold 'em. Here.

Hey, is there a dream
catcher above your bed?

Shit, shit, shit! Holy
shit! Look at all that money.

That is a huge wad of money. This is
more money than we make at the bar.

I have never seen this much
money in one spot. Oh, my God.

I guess we can pay the mob back.
We can definitely pay them back.

That's good.
But we have another day.

We have a whole day. We have 24
whole hours to go. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

He flipped this in what?
No time really.

He flipped it so fast, Charlie.
Let's think a little bit for a second.

We could flip another batch.
We could pay the mob back.

We could have money
left over for ourselves.

Maybe a little coke.
Yeah, more coke.

I can get a horse. You're not
gonna get a horse, Charlie.

We can have some coke
then. She likes Swiss!

I knew it!
I pictured Swiss.

Hey, uh, Cricket.
Cricket, buddy.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Look, uh, you did
such a fantastic job...

that we're gonna need you to go
back out there and do it again.

But you guys said it was a onetime
thing. We say things all day.

We say words all the time.
We said so many things.

I was thinking maybe I'd curl up on that
bed of Dee's and I'd sleep with the bear.

Now's not a good time for
that, man. I'm so tired.

Are you tired?
I'm just so tired.

Check it out. I got the
thing for you right here.

Where'd you get that? Every
good dealer keeps a head stash.

No.
Dip your finger in there.

Look, Cricket. I got
the thing for you here.

I can't.
Let's speed you up.

And then you'll wanna
get back out there.

Oh. Aah. Yeah.

Oh.
Shh.

Where am I having dinner
tonight, Frank?

I'm kind of in the
mood for Asian fusion.

No more dinners. We're going
straight to bangin' from now on.

Check this out.

Jesus Christ, man.
What, you got a problem?

Yeah. This makes me seem
like a whore. You are a whore.

I'm not a whore.

I'm a handsome companion who goes
to nice dinners with fancy women...

and who has rules
about what he'll do.

What happened to the rules, Frank?
You can still have your rules.

It says right here... "No
Rules. " Don't be so uptight.

I'm walkin' from this...
What the hell, dude?

I'm knocking some sense into
you, Dennis. This is all you got.

Dude, why do you keep hitting me?

Don't talk back to me!
Okay. Sorry.

Look, I'm gonna get you out of this.

It's you and me against the world.

I'm not gonna let
anything bad happen to you.

You promise?
I promise.

And, hey, I don't wanna
hit you, baby.

So please don't make me, okay?

You're my one and only.

You gotta do right by me, okay?

Okay.

Come on, Cricket. Where is he,
Charlie? Why do we trust him?

He came through for us
once. He'll do it again.

This is empty.
Get rid of that.

You know what, this is his
whole plan. It's not a plan.

Yeah. He convinced us
that he was on our side.

Now he's gonna stab us in
the back. I don't think so.

What's with the pants?

These things? These are horse-riding
pants. You can't get a horse.

Why not?
Because it's crazy.

Is it any crazier than having
a dog that bites or sheds?

Or a cat that poops in a
box while it's biting you?

While it's biting you?
Oh! You guys!

Cricket! There you are! What are
you doing? Cricket! There you are!

I'm workin' on my moves.
What moves?

For my musical.
I'm writing a musical.

It's about life on the streets. Archangel
has to live on the streets and fight crime.

What?
That's great. Where are our drugs?

I sold the drugs.
Good. Give us the money.

Spent the money on these sweetass
kettledrums. Look at these.

Those are trash cans.
Trash cans, Cricket!

These are trash cans? Then
why do they sound like this?

You "sold" our drug
money on two garbage cans?

No. No, no, no, no.
I did some too.

We can see that! Is there any
left? Can we have what's left?

There is some left. You
guys are yelling like crazy.

I can't compute.
Don't do all of it.

I still gotta write the seventh
act. It's kinda all up here.

Come on back to the bar.
Let's go.

I'm not going anywhere without these
kettledrums. Bring your trash cans.

Yeah, don't forget the trash cans.

I'm bringing the trash cans.

Watch the crack addicts
though. They will cut you.

You understand? It's
$200 for the first hour...

and a hundred and fifty
every hour after that.

Unless you want him to
act like he's enjoying it.

Then it's a little extra. Eh?

All right.

I need... I need you
Make it sexy.

I need... I need you

You like ass play? He'll
do anything with the ass.

I never said...
I wasn't gonna tell...

Don Sal?
Yeah. What?

Forgive me for speaking
out of line here, but...

I don't think I'm being properly
utilized within the organization.

I've tried to be eager
and work with a smile...

but I'm not making
any forward progress.

Aren't you the janitor?
It's not important, Don Sal.

What is important is that
I get out on those streets...

and start doing some gangster shit.

There's gotta be a union
boss I can put the squeeze on.

Or a truck I can hijack, right?

How would you like to
do me a personal favor?

Sounds shady. I'm in.
Good.

I need you to go over to my house...

and take care of my wife.

You mean, like, rub her out?

No.
Oh.

You want me to bang her? I'm sorry.
No!

What the hell is wrong with you? Why
would you say that? Communication problem.

What I need you to do
is just go over there.

Like a protection thing.
Yeah. It's somethin' like that.

Okay. I mean, you don't mind
gettin' your hands dirty, do you?

Absolutely not.
Good.

Goddamn mafia!

Two hearts that beat as one

Like that? Huh?
Get what you want?

Just keep dancing, whore.

Two hearts that beat as one

Dennis?

We gotta talk. Now.

What the hell you doin' here?
I'm working. What are you doing?

You cannot seriously be thinking
about banging this old lady.

No, Mac, you have to separate
yourself from the way they look.

Frank says that the only thing
that matters in this game is cash.

What did Frank do to you?
Frank takes care of me.

You don't understand the nature
of our relationship. What?

Hey! Hey! You! Out! This
is our turf. Get out.

Frank, he cannot bang this
woman. It's the mob boss's wife.

What do you think she's gonna do...

call her husband and say
she's banging a whore?

Dennis, up those stairs.

Dennis, don't do it.
He's got you brainwashed.

Go!
Dennis! Stay!

Go! Get up there! Now!
Stay! Stay! Stay!

You're gonna get us
killed! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Please stop hitting me so
I can think for a second.

You see? This is bad. You got
him thinking for himself again.

What the hell are you doing,
whore? Get back upstairs.

No.

Get your ass back in the bedroom.

I'm outta here.

What about you, Pussy Hands?

Me? Oh, no. I would never
sleep with you. You're gross.

Last taste. Last taste.
One more. That's it.

Last one. That's it because
we're almost out of it.

We can't do this.
Mm-hmm.

All right. Okay.
Here's the plan.

I'm gonna cut it with flour. I don't
think the mob's gonna know the difference.

You sure that's gonna work? People do it
all the time. I think this will trick 'em.

That's too much, huh?
That's too much flour.

Let me think.
They're gonna kill us!

We're dead!
Here's what we're gonna do.

We're dead 'cause of the
flour. We're outta here.

Where we going? We're gonna skip town.
We're gonna go up to the mountains.

We can't tell anybody. We just
gotta go. We'll go to the mountains.

We gotta get outta here.
We're gonna have a fresh start.

We'll start over.
I like that.

It's just gonna be you and
me and Peter Nincompoop.

Who's Peter Nincompoop?

Huh? Huh? Oh, my God.
How did that get here?

How did that get here? I rode
it here. What do you think?

Hop on. We're outta here.
I'm not hopping on there.

We can't get outta here on that.
We need a car. It's too obvious.

It is?
People will see... us and it.

We gotta get out in a car.
All right.

You got a better chance
without us, don't you, buddy?

Okay. You know what.
Get outta here. Hah!

Go, Peter Nincompoop!
I miss you already!

I love you, Peter Nincompoop.

Mmm. Let's go.

Okay, okay.
What are you doin'?

I'm gonna try and stay sharp
here. That's mostly flour.

But if we do enough of it,
it should still work, right?

Well, then, let's do
a lot of it. Let's go!

That's a pop. That's
a pop. That's a pop.

Make it sexy.
It has to be sexy.

Otherwise, you don't eat. Okay?

Frank, put the gun away.
Oh, no.

I'm goin' out,
I'm goin' guns blazing.

Rise up
Gonna get higher and higher

Whoo!
Rickety Cricket.

Hey!
Lookin' good, bro.

Thanks, man. I'm almost done.

Welcome back to the bar. Good afternoon.

How you guys doin'? We're
very good. Things are fine.

You guys look like you're
doin' really well. Absolutely.

Check it out.
We got all the cocaine.

Didn't get the cash. Got the cocaine.
We might have bigger problems.

We just pissed off the mob boss's wife
because me and Dennis wouldn't bang her.

We just need to be
prepared for anything.

Okay. Then I tell you
what. I will get my gun.

Whoa. When'd you get a
gun? I went back to Bingo.

Wow. I thought we said no guns
though. That was before all the blow.

You should've told me, because I'm been
carrying this thing around the entire time.

Guys, guys, guys!
No guns! No guns!

I'm gonna put this in my sock. And if the
shit goes down, I'll pretend I'm tying my shoe.

And I'll reach for some cigarettes.

And when I ask for a
light, we come out blastin'!

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!
No! No!

We are not gonna come out blasting!

Jesus Christ! What is
wrong with you people?

Look, we can still get through
this if we just calm down.

Oh! These guys.

Hey. Ho.

Hiya.
All right. It's Friday.

Youse guys got somethin' for me?

Has anybody got a light?

Right here.

Don't move!
Put the guns down!

I got the 25 G's. I got
the money, so it's all good.

Eh?
There you go.

Get outta here.
Go on.

Count It.
Got it, boss.

Where'd you get the money?
I sold Frank's pimp chalice.

What?
That's right, you son of a bitch.

Thanks for bailing us out.
Just like always. Goddamn it.

It's all here, boss.
Okay. Well, that was close.

Yeah, it seemed close. It got a
little stressful. A little tense.

"Tense" is an excellent
word for what happened.

It was nice doin'
business with you guys.

Hopefully, I'll never
have to see you again.

All righty. Sounds
good. Sounds very good.

You guys, you gotta make
it sexy... hips and nips.

Otherwise, I'm not eatin'.

Yeah.

What?
Who?

You. Come here. Yeah?

Can you do me a favor?
Sure.

Explain to me why my
wife is calling me...

telling me that one of Pussy Hands's
friends tried to force himself on her.

Oh! Oh!
This guy?

Oh! Oh! That's crazy!

Enough with the "Oh's"!
I think that's insane.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Then I assume it was you, pinhead.

No! It wasn't me!
It wasn't me!

Then who was it?
You guys! I did it!

And I made It so sexy!

Look at this. I've
achieved total sexiness!

I am the man! I made
it so sexy. Get him.

You got it, boss. Come here. I
wanna talk to you. Fancy pants.

It's so... It's so sexy. That's
the thing. It's all hips and nips.

Rise up
Gonna get higher and higher

Do you guys have more blow?

Yes!
Get him outta here.

Well. Couple beers?
Yeah. Shots.

I'll go for a beer.
All right.

Oh. What a day.

They broke my legs but
they didn't break my spirit

But I don't feel no pain
'cause I found more cocaine

Cocaine