It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 12 - The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 1 - full transcript

After stumbling upon a kilo of cocaine, the gang is forced to pay off a $25,000 debt to the mob. Mac becomes a mob informant, while Frank pimps out Dennis as an escort at the local country ...

Oh wow, dude.
This thing is disgusting.

There's so much rust. Maybe we
should wipe it with a wet rag.

I'm not gonna do that!
Why not?

Because it's a goddamn circuit
breaker, Mac. We'll get electrocuted.

No, I'm just gonna use
this screwdriver, all right?

It's got a rubber handle.
That'll keep me grounded.

No, I'm pretty sure you have
to be standing on rubber.

Well, the bottoms of my shoes are
rubber. Oh, no! You know what it is?

You can't be standing
on the ground at all.

Maybe you should jump up
into midair and do it. Hmm?

Yeah. If you jump into the
air and grab a live wire...

you... won't
get electrocuted.

But then if you land on the ground
and you're still holding that wire...

you'll be blown to bits.

I saw it in Tango and Cash.

So I'm supposed to risk my
life based on something...

that you saw in the
movie Tango and Cash?

Kurt Russell... I think... All right, I'm
gonna jam this thing with a screwdriver.

All right? The rubber handle
will ground me. And I'll be safe.

All right.
All right.

Give it a shot.
Okay.

It's all set to scrape...
Oh, my God!

Holy shit!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wh-What
the hell are you doing?

It exploded.
You're making it worse!

Bro, you gotta pay
somebody to fix this, man.

No! I'm tired of
spending my money...

every time something
goes wrong in this place.

Well, we can't fix it,
Frank! It's too dangerous!

It scared the shit out of me,
man. Well, get Charlie to do it.

He won't go near the thing. He's already
been electrocuted, like, 500 times.

Yeah, man. I think he's
starting to catch on to that.

Dennis, get me a harness 'cause I'll
have to be swinging in the air to do this.

Are you kidding me?
I told you.

Bro, did you
get the flashlights?

Forget about the flashlights!
Check these bad boys out!

They fell off the back of a truck.
Huh?

Nice grab. All right. But
what about the flashlights?

Uh, I'm sorry. Someone wasn't
paying attention, right?

Free speakers, dude! Free speakers
for the bar! Free speakers!

Mac, let's plug
these bad boys in.

Yeah!
We don't have any electricity!

That's why we needed
the flashlight. Careful!

I'm sorry.
I didn't...

Holy shit.
What is that?

Oh, my God.
Whoa.

That's a...
big bag of drugs.

This is not good, dude. Somebody's
gonna be looking for those drugs.

Relax, dude. They're gonna be
shit out of luck 'cause no one...

No one saw us take
the speakers. Did they?

See us take...
No.

There you have it. Look,
let's not worry or panic.

This is...
This is a lot of drugs.

But, like, what's the
worst that could happen?

Gotta get rid of it.
Yeah. Drugs are bad news.

Let's get rid of it.
Throw it in the garbage.

Ooh, you can't do that 'cause
a kid could find it. Right.

Burn it. Well, then we're
dealing with a fume situation.

Yeah. You gotta wear masks and...
Yeah, it's a whole thing and...

It's a whole production. It's a big
production. All right, then bury it!

Oh, well... No, see. Now
we're back to the kids again.

Because kids run with shovels,
playing in dirt. Absolutely.

And then one of them's
gonna... Okay. Call the police.

What, are we gonna just
solve society's drug problem?

You know what I mean?
Is that on us?

No!
Is that on us now?

The community is still
going down the toilet.

So I think what you're
saying, Sweet Dee, is that...

we could use the unsolvable drug
problem in our society... Mm-hmm.

To fix the solvable
light problem in our bar.

Yes.
Absolutely. I hear you.

We're saying we're gonna
do the drugs...

and then we're gonna try
and fix all the lights. No.

Charlie didn't understand
that. That's asinine.

You want to rewind? Yeah,
we're gonna flip the drugs.

Make a bunch of money. Use that
money to fix the electricity. Mm-hmm.

All right. Well, both ways
work. I kinda like my way.

Great plan.
Your way's terrible.

I'm in. Let's sell these
drugs. You're not in.

Whoop. Thank you. And
you're not gonna sell them.

We'll do it, Charlie.
Because we found the drugs.

And you're bossy.
Very bossy.

I'm not bossy.
Scumbags!

Frank, come on, man. Look,
we're trying to get some money...

to fix the lights in our bar
because you won't give it to us.

Back in my day, only the biggest
pieces of shit dealt drugs.

We're not gonna deal drugs.
Yeah, right.

We're gonna flip it. We'll flip
it once. It's a onetime flip.

Yeah. We'll go to your... that
shady guy Bingo that you know.

Oh, Bingo. We'll say, you
know, "Here's a pile of drugs.

Give us some money. " And then...
Uhhuh.

Oh, no, no, no. You don't go
to Bingo. Bingo is my contact.

Uh, I'm sorry. I don't
think you can call dibs...

on a shady peoplesmuggler.
You can't do that.

Just do not mention my name!

My God. Relax, dude. No
one's gonna mention your name.

Hey, Bingo.
Frank sent us.

Frank, huh? I'm gonna skin that
son of a bitch and wear his face.

Anyway, what's up?
Well, we're trying...

Oh, don't look at me.
Excuse me?

Look up. Up.
Okay.

Is this good?
That's fine.

Now speak.
Uh, okay.

Uh, well, listen, Bingo. We got a
bucket of nose clams fresh from the sea.

Sweet, delicious nose clams that are
looking for a home if you follow me.

Nose clams?
No. I don't follow you.

I don't know what the hell you're
talking about. I don't follow either.

Yes, you do. It's not confusing.
Just everybody settle down.

These are the kind of nose clams that
make you want to dance the night away.

I don't get what the
hell you're talking about.

I don't even know what you're
talking about. It's so obvious!

You know what? It's not obvious.
Now you're being too vague.

You're talking about
dancing clams in the...

What's gonna make you dance?

These are the kind of nose clams that
you crush up into a line of white powder.

And you snort them up through
your nose. And they make you high.

You use a dollar bill or a straw
to do it. They come from Colombia.

They're illegal. And they
rhyme with "propane. "

Perfect. You found a
perfect medium ground there.

So you want to sell me cocaine?
Yes!

Why didn't you just
come out and say that?

Instead of dancing around
it. That is so tacky.

We talked about it in the car.
It's a thing you do. It's not tacky.

That is the kindergarten behavior of
drug dealing. Do you want them or not?

Yeah, of course I do. Oh,
great. Well, here you go.

Thank you. Eyes, boom.
Yeah.

Oh!
Oh!

Youse two. We need
to talk to Youse. Huh?

Oh, shit.
Are you guys gangsters?

Shut up!

Ah, owe me a Coke.
Listen...

rumor has it that somebody
who works at this bar...

found a certain somethin'
that belongs to us.

A certain somethin' which may or may
not have fallen off a certain truck, huh?

And the certain somebody that we know
thinks they saw that certain someone...

pick it up and take it
back to that certain bar...

which may or may not be the place
that we happen to be or not be...

talkin' to a couple of certain
somebodies right this very second.

Capisce?
Huh?

Fellas, we're about
six beers' deep.

So I think you're
gonna have to...

be a little bit more clear 'cause
I didn't get that last part.

I m... I missed out on the whole
thing to be honest with you.

I was confused by it. I'm
very confused by the...

I was very confused by the whole
thing to be... if I'm being honest.

Look, why don't you just
return what belongs to us...

or pay us the 25 G's that it's
worth, and we'll be square.

Youse got
until Friday, huh?

What happens on Friday?

Well, Friday is the day...

that we may
or may not be forced...

to chop your limbs off...

and distribute them evenly amongst
your friends and your family.

And that's Friday.

Friday.
Okay.

Well, thanks, gentlemen. That's...
That's very... a very clear message.

And we will certainly get
on that right away. Yeah.

Okay. That's
muched appreciated.

Uh, good day to youse.

And good day to youse. Come on.
Huh?

What's the matter with you?
Chewin' in my ear all the time.

Friday.
Come on. Come on. Come on.

Holy shit!

Guess who sold the drugs
And we can fix the lights now

The lights are fixed.

Yeah, man.
No shit. How'd you do that?

We got bigger problems
than that, dude.

The drugs that you just
sold, they belong to the mob.

What?
Yeah, they saw you guys.

Yeah. Guys, real-life actual
gangsters. It was pretty cool.

They came to the bar. They
threatened us. It was not cool!

Look! The point is, we're gonna give them
the money that you got from Bingo. So it's...

Cool. And then maybe we can
keep a little for ourselves too.

Yeah, well, how much
did you get? Perfect.

Oh, dude...
a one, a two...

a $300!
Hello.

You guys, those drugs
were worth 25 grand!

Oh, shit!
Are you serious?

Yes!
Now, see now? I told you.

I asked for more money.
What?

Yes, I did.
No, you didn't!

I was using "Dead Presidents"
as a cover. You didn't get that?

He said to the man he wanted many,
many thousands of green people...

From history times.

Oh, my God.
We are so screwed.

How are we gonna get 25
grand by Friday? I get that.

Don't look at me.
You made this bed.

You're sleeping in it. This
is a life lesson for you.

Frank, this is not the time to be
throwing down life lessons, all right?

We are going to get whacked off
by a bunch of scary Italian guys.

Did they say they were
gonna whack us off?

They implied they wanted
to whack us all off! Okay.

Nobody's gonna get whacked
off today, okay? Listen.

We're gonna take the money. We'll
go get our drugs back from Bingo.

We'll give it to the mob. And we'll
pretend none of this ever happened.

And this time, I'll
do the talking! Okay.

Just keep my name out of it.

Frank said to tell you
to sell us back our drugs.

Okay.
No problem.

Good. Good.
Great.

Excellent.
Problem solved.

$5,000.
What?

Oh, boy! Just an hour ago,
you gave us 300 for 'em.

Yeah, man.
Yeah, I don't recall that.

Come on!
All right.

What can we get for 300 then?
Uh, you want an exotic bird?

If you're gonna play this game, we
need to buy something from you...

that we can sell back to other
people at a higher price. Yeah.

Okay. OxyContin.

It's a very popular pill
these days.

And I happen to have
a whole shitload of it.

How much?
1,200.

Oh, boy. Wow.
That's gonna...

Bingo! Wow. Goodness
gracious with this guy.

If it's not one thing, it's
another thing. Oh, okay.

But think about it this way. If we split
it, it's only a few hundred dollars each.

Great, yeah. Let me just go grab
my cash from my money tree...

that I have planted. I know a
leprechaun who has a pot of gold.

He lives at
the end of my street.

Maybe I'll go to a bank
and say, "Hello.

Do I have an account
here?" Call Donald Trump!

How do three men in their 30s
not have $800 between them?

They're...
The economy is in shambles.

Have you taken a close look at the
marketplace right now? The NASDAQ!

Dow Jones!
It's up then down.

Stop talking, goddamn
it! Fine! I'll do it!

I'm not getting
my money back, am I?

Give us money.

Boom.

What am I supposed
to do with that?

You tell us. Yeah. Bingo said
you knew how to sell those drugs.

I told you not to involve me in
that! Did you mention my name?

First thing we did. First thing we
did. You gonna harp on it all day?

Goddamn it! The guy's
gonna skin me alive.

He is gonna skin you alive. He
mentioned something about it.

Will you just pay the mob off so
we don't have to sell these pills?

Dennis, I am not using
any more of my money!

The mob is gonna kill us,
man! Look, if I cave on this...

I'm gonna be bailing you guys
out for the rest of my life.

So... I'm putting my
foot down on this one.

You bitches gotta earn
your own money!

Fine! Whatever!
It doesn't matter.

Because... seeing as how I'm
the boss... You're not the boss.

Oh, yes, I am. I've come
up with an excellent idea.

Frank, you are gonna get us into that
country club that you used to belong to.

And we're gonna
sell the pills there.

That'd be a good place to sell those
pills. Yes. Thank you very much.

You can't make no $25,000
from that amount of pills.

How long you got?
Till Friday.

Mmmmm. You're gonna have to turn a
trick or two. Go into prostitution.

You are disgusting!
How could you suggest...

I am absolutely not doing that!
I wasn't talking about you.

Guys at those country clubs
get hotter broads than you.

I would think, yeah.
Yeah.

I was saying the male escort
Is really hard to come by.

I'm picking up what you're
putting down. I'll do it. Oh...

Uh, Charlie, you're not quite
cut from the right cloth.

What?
Okay. Make it me.

Mac, you're too low
class. All those women...

are gonna think they're gonna
catch somethin' from you.

They are.
They will.

I was thinking about Dennis.

Right.
Now, Frank...

will any of these women be
attractive in any way? Probably not.

Then I'm not going to do
it. Let's sell some drugs.

I got it.
Why are you grabbing it?

I'm the boss.
Very grabby.

Get out.
Really?

Okay. I think we gotta look for
old ladies with lots of big jewelry.

They got the deepest
pockets. Ah, that's my girl.

Dennis, I think you should
unbutton this button too. No...

Show a little chest. Frank, I
know what you're trying to do.

And I'm not gonna be a whore.
So just drop it. All right?

Holy shit. Did you guys see that
midget dressed like a lawn jockey?

That's a jockey, Charlie.
Do what, now?

That's a real jockey.

The ones that ride on
the horses... Forget it!

Really? Wait, wait, wait,
wait. They have horses here?

There's a racetrack
next door, dude.

Bye-bye.
What? No!

Where are you going,
man? Where are you going?

All right, whatever!
Let's split up.

I call Dennis. No. I'm not
gonna be a whore, Frank.

You're already a whore. Why
not make some money at it?

You're just gonna try and
make me bang old ladies.

Then you're gonna have
me move on to dudes.

I just wanna hang out. We're
wasting time. Dee! Let's split up!

Come on!

Oh, that's good, huh?
You like that?

It's a real beaut,
ain't she?

Holy shit.
You can talk?

What?
That is great.

I would've figured if anything,
your voice would be like super high.

All right.
Well, good for you.

She normally doesn't take to
strangers. She must like you, huh?

Yeah. Wow. You know, she
seems like a real nice horse.

Well, actually, she kicked the
last stable boy's brains in.

Jesus. He takes his
food through a straw now.

I bet. Hey, you wouldn't be
interested in taking his job, would ya?

I'd be very interested.

Well, you have any qualms
about picking up shit?

Terrific. Terrific.

Usually, we'd use a shovel for
that. But to each his own, I guess.

Not me. Hey, why don't you
come and meet the fellas?

All right.

Oh, right.
Good work.

Okay. Now, there's only one thing
that these rich old men understand.

And that is money.
Mm-hmm.

So I am gonna play the role of
a high-powered executive. Mmm.

And you are going to
be my secretary, Linda.

Ooh! No. No. I will be
your business partner.

Dee, these guys
are old school, okay?

They don't like women's rights.
Now, don't give me any lip!

Okay, Linda. The first thing I need
you to do is get Jameson on the phone...

and tell him I don't need
his $650,000 investment.

He can shove it right back up his
ass. Ooh, I got a better idea, Bob.

How about you do it?
What's that?

Yeah. I think you should get
Jameson on the phone for me.

Well, why would I do that, Linda?
You're my secretary and a woman.

What do you know about investing?

Oh, I'm sorry, Bob. Remind me again
what we're having Jameson invest in?

Jameson is investing
in new technologies.

Really? Which ones?

Lasers.
Lasers!

Yep.
That is adorable.

Lasers, Linda!

Who wants to buy
some drugs?

Hey, man.
You workin'?

Excuse me? Don't play
dumb with me, hermano.

I know a gigolo
when I see one.

No, look, I'm not a gigolo, all right?

For real?
Yeah.

Hey, a good-looking guy like you
could do very well in my business.

Thanks. But I'm not really
into banging old ladies.

Bang them?
No, bro.

You got it all wrong, man.
These women are classy.

Yeah, they just want someone to be nice
to them. Flirt a little bit. That's it.

Really? I wouldn't have
to bang these ladies? No.

Bro, it's all fancy
dinners, exotic vacations.

These ladies have so much
cash, man. It's the life.

You should really
think about it.

You could make
a killing here, bro.

Huh.

Hey.

Nice work.
Hey, thanks, man.

Oh, that's yours.
Thank you very much.

Yours. Thank you.
Hey, man. You said 20.

Take it or leave it.

Hey, whatever, homes.

Puta pendejo.

Man, these guys are crazy. I can't
believe they bought all my pills.

Ah, you know what they say.
Nobody parties like a jockey!

I was not familiar with
that expression, Buster.

I didn't even know
you guys could talk.

So you want that job or not?

I tell you what. I got a little something
I gotta straighten out with the mafia.

You know how that goes, right?
Oh, sure.

But when that's done... maybe. Because
there's something about that horse, Buster.

You know, it's like we looked at each
other. And then there was eye contact.

And I was looking at the horse.
The horse was looking at me.

And then it hit me,
I think maybe...

I was a centaur
in my past life.

Well, something tells me you probably
were never half-man, half-horse.

But, hell, what do I know? All I
know is you got a great attitude.

So come on,
you old son of a gun...

and-and let Buster do
a line off your boner.

No?

Uh, "garcon", why don't you
hook up the young lady here...

with one of your best
strawberry daiquiris?

All righty. Thanks.

Hey, how's it going, man? Uh,
did you sell any of your pills?

Uh, no. Actually, I'm kind of working
a different angle here, Charlie.

Dude, check it out. I sold
all of mine. Okay, that's...

Lawn jockeys are crazy people, man.
Did you know that? Great. But, uh...

You're kinda cramping my style. I'm trying to
drum up business here. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? Dude, I
think I was a centaur in my past life.

It totally occurred to me. What makes
you think you were half-man, half-horse?

Charlie... Come on.
Out, out.

He's working.
What? I'm enjoying a roll.

He's working. Bro, will
you please get out of here?

You smell like cheese.
No, no.

It's horse shit.

Well, whatever it is,
it's terrible. Okay? So...

Let's call it what it
is. It's horse shit.

I have it all over my hands. But
it's not cheese. Let's go. Get up.

The horse was eating a lot of cheese.
I don't know what it is. Just you stink.

Come on. Get up. Get
up. I don't wanna get up.

Frank, as a matter of fact, you
really don't smell that much better.

If you could get out, that
would be really helpful.

Don't talk to me that way.
Don't talk to me. I am your pimp.

You are my ho.
Look, dude.

Horses don't eat cheese.
Don't...

You are ruining this!
First of all.

Will you get out of here, for the
love of all that is holy on earth!

You reek of cheese!
Excuse me.

Are you
the Reynolds party?

Yeah.
Uhhuh. Yeah.

We had to escort your
friends off the property.

They're waiting for
you by your car. Oh...

Yeah. Where?
Ah, the guilty parties.

Yeah. Yeah, Mac made a whole
series of bad decisions.

And then we got kicked out,
and they stole our drugs.

Was he being bossy? Yeah. He was being
very bossy. And now we've got nothing.

All right. It's not a total
loss, all right? No, no, no.

Charlie actually...
I sold all my pills.

Oh! Nice.
Oh, that's awesome.

What about you, Dennis?
Dennis is a prostitute now.

Good.
No, I'm not prostitute, okay?

Yes, he is. There's no
banging old ladies and dudes.

All right? I will be providing a
very important service, however...

as what I would like to be
called a handsome companion.

To dudes?
To guys or...

No, not to dudes.
No, hang on.

Hold on. Hang on. To
old, fancy, rich ladies...

who want to do classy,
exotic, fancy things with me.

Great. Dennis,
you keep banging dudes.

Dee, let's take Charlie's
money and go buy some cocaine.

It's got higher street value. Do you see what
you're doing here with the bossiness again?

And the demanding? I don't appreciate
it. Ordering everyone around.

You're out, dude!
Oh, he's out.

You're not kicking me
out. I'm the boss of you!

You're the only one who hasn't made any
forward progress today. Just hang back.

Wait. I'm just supposed to put my
life into your hands? Look, man.

Leave your ego out of
it. We're in some...

Excuse me! We're in some
serious hot water here...

because of you and your
bossiness, all right?

I think you should stop
acting like such a baby. Go on.

So you're gonna leave me here? We cannot
have you around us screwing things up!

How am I supposed
to get home?

You're supposed to walk like
the rest of the Americans.

You walk, you know?
On their two feet!

Walk?
It's like 40 miles!

Oh, that's why
young people...

You can't do this to
me! You can't do this!

I'm smart,
and I deserve respect!

I'm gonna get you
sons of bitches!

Whoa!
You want to stop It already?

It's all right. I put the parking
brake on. Sorry about that, boys.

Hey, you got our money?
Jesus.

No, I do not have your money. But I think
there's been a misunderstanding here.

And I want to set it straight.
Proceed.

Well, ever since your alleged package...

Came into my bar,
I may or may not...

have had absolutely
nothing to do with it.

You did or you didn't?
I did.

You did have something
to do with it?

No. No. I did have absolutely
nothing to do with it.

Wait, wait. You just said you
did have something to do with it.

That's what I heard. I
heard that. I think I said...

I did have absolutely
nothing to do with it.

But you said...
Are you sure?

The thing is when you use a double negative,
it becomes something completely different.

But you know, we can get into that
later. The point is this, guys.

I want to get in
on what you guys got.

I want to dress like
a track star.

I want to wear gold shit and slick my
hair back and grow a pompadour, you know?

You want to join our crew,
huh? More than anything.

Okay, first things first.
You gotta prove your loyalty.

Prove my loyalty?
Yeah.

I want you...

to go clean the bathrooms.
Yeah.

The bathrooms?
Yeah. The bathrooms.

Why?

'Cause that's the first step
in becoming a part of our crew!

Okay. Guys, I clean a
mean bathroom. Let's see.

I learned from one of
my friends, Charlie.

You'll get to know him too maybe.
I'll bring him in. I'm sure you will.

Okay.
Thank you.

Go.
Thank you.

You gonna really let
him be part of our crew?

Hey, summer squash
for brains...

I'm gonna make him
our bitch till Friday.

Oh, bitch boy.
Bitch boy.

And after that?

I wanna whack him off
irregardless.