It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Gang Runs for Office - full transcript

These things are hilarious.

- These are priceless.
- What are you guys lookin'at?

- Uh, Garbage Pail Kids.
- Heavin' Steven.

- Classic.
- Totally classic. I love Heavin' Steven.

Are those those stupid cards where babies
are doing disgusting things?

Uh, no. They're the amazing cards
where babies are doing hysterical things.

You got quite a collection there, buddy.

- Yes, I do.
- Hey, Charlie, how about givin' me a couple of these?

- Uh, no.
- I tell you what.

I'll buy 'em from you.
You got a ton of'em.

No. These are, like, an investment.

This is my future here, so don't mess with them.

Hey, have you guys seen this?

We are getting blasted in the ass
by the state liquor tax.

"Blasted in the ass"?

Mac, we have
this same conversation every year.

There's nothing you can do
about taxes.

You guys might want to think about
voting every once in a while.

- What has voting ever done?
- Why... Since wh... What has...

- Why are you comin'down... Voting?
- Who am I supposed to vote for?

Am I supposed to vote for the Democrat
who's gonna blast me in the ass...

or the Republican
who's blasting my ass?

Politics is just one big ass blast.

- It is a coast-to-coast, nationwide ass blast.
- You're gonna get your ass...

No more! You guys are such morons.

If you knew anything at all about politics,
you would know that that is not true.

Deandra, it's just some jerk
gettin' into office...

so he can get out for the payday.

Right. The guy's runnin' for office.
He's... What? What payday?

I see it every year.

Some clown runs for office,
drops out of the race...

and gets a big chunk of dough.

I mean, you have to be a real
low-life piece of shit...

to get involved in politics.

Okay. I just got off the phone
with the city clerk.

Turns out
there's an election comin' up.

- Local, small-time shit. Anybody can run.
- What's the position?

"South Philly, Zone 2,
District 37 Comptroller.

- Nice. What's a comptroller?
- Who gives a shit? We're doin' it for the bribe.

I nominate Dennis.

- I accept your nomination.
- Wait a minute. How come he gets to be the candidate?

Take a look at that hair...
Kennedy hair.

Note the bone structure.
It's like a young J.F.K.

I got the same bone structure.

What are you making that noise...
What is that about?

- You got something funky goin' on in the forehead area.
- Five head.

Did you say five head?
I don't have that.

Deandra, a woman in politics
is like a donkey doing calculus.

Come on. There are plenty
of amazing women politicians.

- Name one.
- Uh, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

- Awful.
- How is she awful?

- Hates freedom.
- Uh...

Okay, Dennis, you are gonna need
a campaign manager. That's me.

- So...
- Ooh. We should put that one to a vote.

'Cause I'd be
a good campaign manager.

It's too late.
I already have the clipboard.

- So you can be my assistant.
- Mmm. Assistant is...

- Should I wear a
blazer? - Yes. - No.

- Yes. - No. - I
like what he said.

Charlie? Campaign manager.
You don't need a blazer.

- A blazer's gonna look...
- I like where he's goin'.

- What am I gonna do?
- You get to be the intern.

- Yeah, the intern.
- What does an intern do?

- Cut limes. - Stock
glasses. - Serve drinks.

No. No. Come on. You guys, damn you!

- I'm not doing that.
- Hold it! Hold it!

If my son is gonna solicit a bribe,
he's gonna do it the right way.

- I'm gonna be campaign manager.
- Like hell you are.

You are way too old.
Politics is a young man's game.

- Mac, I think you might be in over your head here.
- Yeah.

- Over my head?
- Yeah. Listen.

Everybody who's in favor of firing Mac
as campaign manager...

raise their hand.

- For God sakes!
- The people have spoken. You're out.

So that's it? I'm fired?
This is bullshit!

- That's politics, man.
- That's politics? That's politics?

This is wonderful.
This is just wonderful. You know what?

I'm walkin' outta here.
I don't need this shit.

I'm washin' my hands of the whole situation.
Show you, bitches.

- Can I grab that clipboard?
- No. That's mine.

Dee, check out my blazer.

- Yeah. It's too small.
- Nah. It's perfect.

- How's the bar?
- Full of hoboes, Dennis. A lot of hoboes.

- Watch your ears. There you go.
- Frank.

Frank, I don't... I just don't think this is
the best idea for our candidate's image.

This is a brilliant idea...
"hobo-vertising."

Come on. It looks good. Beer him.

- We gotta fire Frank.
- He's my dad, Charlie. I don't know.

But, Dennis. Dennis.
Hobo-vertising?

- That's not you. It's cheap.
- Ooh.

It's cheap politics.
It's not gonna get us that bribe.

I mean, you need to be out there.

You gotta be shakin' hands.
You gotta be kissin' babies.

I don't like babies.

No babies.
Don't kiss babies.

Just get out there
into the world, and...

You gotta let me be
your campaign manager.

I mean, I can really drive this thing
in a different direction.

I mean, when I look at you, I see success.

I see... You're top-notch.
You're goin' all the way with this thing.

- Oh.
- Frank's just gettin' in the way here.

Give me this chance.
Just give it to me.

I just didn't realize I was gonna have
to make so many... tough decisions.

Take him down.

This is a goddamn coup!

Don't take it personally, Dad.
That's just politics.

You look like a dick
in that tiny jacket.

- Let's not attack my candidate.
- Don't go after the jacket.

- Shut up, Charlie.
- The jacket's good.

I can talk to my son any way I want.

- Give him the clipboard. -
Give me the clipboard. - No. No.

- Clipboard belongs to the campaign manager.
- I want that clipboard.

- Go to hell.
- Oh, that was ugly.

- That was uncalled for.
- Mmm.

Wow. That was, uh, a lot easier
than I thought it was gonna be.

- I can get a clipboard anywhere.
- Yeah.

- All right.
- Don't do that.

- I want you to run for comptroller.
- What?

I'm gonna be your campaign manager.

We're gonna stroll right into
that comptroller's office and solicit a bribe.

- Forget it. I am not helping you.
- Deandra, we'll get this bribe...

and we'll shove it
right in your brother's face.

- We'll screw those guys.
- I would like to shove it in his face.

Okay.

Okay. Now let's get you ready
for the ball, Cinderella.

- What are you doing?
- The bangs, they... The five head.

Let me get this straight.
You want to try and solicit a bribe?

Yes!

You want my union
to back your roommate...

for South Philly District 37 Comptroller?

- Yes. Correct.
- But not to win.

- It sounds illegal.
- Aw, for God sakes.

What is with you two?
Come on!

You know, like, in the movies, union guys
are, like, tough and shady and shit.

- Sorry to disappoint you.
- You're, like, a couple of nerds.

All right, look. Let me
take you bitches to school for a second.

In this country, in the real world,
people make money.

Somebody is gonna make a ton of money
off my roommate.

- I want it to be you.
- Let me make one thing perfectly clear.

We are not a criminal organization.

Why are you talking to me
like I'm a jackass? I am not a ja...

Oh. I see what you're doin'.

Okay. Nobody here is a criminal. No, sir.

I think we're speaking the same language.

- Are we?
- Oh, yeah.

We're being listened to.
Bugged. The feds. I get it.

I read. I see movies.
I understand. Okay.

I want you to contact me at Paddy's.

- I'm gonna get the ball rolling, okay?
- Mm-hmm.

It's safe there.

Okay, gentlemen,
sorry we couldn't work anything out.

But, uh, I'm gonna go home
and pay my taxes.

Right?

- You want me to call the cops?
- Not yet.

I've got a better idea.
Let's screw this son of a bitch.

Come on, Morris.
We don't have time for this.

He called us nerds, Gary.

Nerds.

Are you gonna take care
of the crime problem here?

Absolutely. I say we put 'em on busses, ship 'em
over to Iraq... make 'em fight the terrorists.

You're very handsome.

- Thank you.
- This is going very, very well, man.

- People are really responding to me.
- They love the bone structure.

- They like the Kennedy hair.
- I've been looking for you guys.

Look, I've been thinkin', and I feel like
I could be a real asset to you guys.

- I want to help.
- What? Wait, wait.

First you wash your hands of politics.
Now you want back in.

- That's called flip-flopping. That's
what Democrats do. - Hang on a second.

Let's give the guy
a chance to prove himself.

Yeah. Give me a chance.
What should I do?

"What should I do?"
Strike one, buddy.

You gotta bring something
to the table, Mac.

All right.
Ah, check this out.

Excuse me. Hi.

- I couldn't help but notice your adorable baby.
- Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I was wondering
if you wouldn't mind...

if that handsome young gentleman
over there kissed it.

- Excuse me?
- Oh. I'm sorry.

He's running for District 37 Comptroller,
so it's cool.

- You know, I'd rather not.
- It's good for him, and it's good for you.

- I think you should just give me the baby.
- Please leave me alone.

Okay, lady.

If you give me the baby,
I could get it over with.

- I said no!
- Goddamn it! Just give me the baby!

- Somebody help me!
- Lady! Give me the ba...

- This is campaign suicide, dude.
- Let's get outta here.

There, there, there.

There, there, there.
Take a look.

- Got it on? Sure?
- Yeah. Take a look.

- What do you think?
- I think I look like a whore.

- I'm trying to make you sexy.
- This is not sexy.

- What is this? What's this?
- It's the bed look.

The tossed look.
The ruffled look.

You look like you just got...

Anyway, we have to convince this guy...

That we're a legitimate
threat to his campaign.

There is nothing
more threatening to a man...

than a woman
who is smart and attractive.

We have to pretend you're both.

Wow. You're a horrible father.

- Let's just go. Let's get it done.
- Great. Great.

Now, Daddy hates to say this, but...

I think we should talk
about the breasts.

"Oh, don't hurt my baby."
Like I'm gonna hurt somebody's baby.

You know what I mean?
Goddamn Dennis. Fire me?

- I'll fire you.
- Mac. Get in.

We got a bribe for your roommate's
withdrawal from the race.

Really? Wow.
You nerds work fast.

All right.
How much did we get?

We don't get any money
until you pull your guy from the race.

Oh.

Okay, uh...

That's not gonna be
a problem, is it?

No. That's not gonna be a problem.

Better not be, Mac.

Otherwise, Marvin here is gonna
have to take care of you.

Take care of me how?

I'll probably stab you in your throat.

Jesus Christ!
Stab me in my throat?

- Are you serious?
- Pull your guy out, Mac.

I'm gonna pull him out.
I'm gonna pull him out, Marvin.

Marvin, I'm gonna
pull him out. Okay.

Who's the nerd now, bitch?

That was fun.
I feel like a gangster.

Shut up, Gary.

I'm not dropping out.

- Bro, you have to drop out.
- Why?

I didn't wanna say this before,
but you don't have Kennedy hair.

- All right! Oh, God!
- You don't have thejawline.

- How could you say that?
- If I hear one more flip-flop out of you...

I'm gonna throw up in my mouth.

- You ready to do this?
- I'm just doing some fine-tuning.

- It looks good.
- Just trying to get my tan on.

Let's hurry.
The battery on this drains like a tub.

What is going on in here?
Are those beach towels?

We're gonna shoot a commercial,
get it on public access, get the message out.

- It's a million-dollar bill pal.
- Yeah. A million-dollar bill.

You guys are never gonna
get a bribe.

- It's not about the bribe anymore.
- We don't care about that.

- I could be a legitimate politician.
- He's goin' to the top.

- Really do some good in Philadelphia.
- Are you listening to yourself?

- You've never done any good for anybody ever!
- I do good! I do good!

- You never do anything! You're a loser!
- You're just jealous!

- I'm not jealous!
- All right! All right! That's...

That's no way to run
a campaign, boys.

- Let's have the conversation outside.
- All right. We'll talk outside.

- Yeah, we'll make you happy.
- You're droppin' out of that race.

- We'll work it out.
- I'm droppin' out of shit.

- We'll work it out.
- Yeah, we'll work it out. You and me and...

- Did you just lock this door?
- Yes, I did.

- You are going to hell, little man!
- Mmm, I don't think so.

- That's politics, bitch.
- I hate you, Charlie!

- You ready? - I'm
ready. - Goddamn it!

Get in front of the flag
and the million-dollar bill.

Dude, you and my dad
share this futon?

No.

No, we... No, we got a whole different
situation worked out.

- What's the situation?
- It's... I sleep on the... And...

You got the script that I wrote?
Grab the script.

I've been meaning
to speak to you about this.

I can't read these words.
They're not in the right order.

- It's good.
- I think you might be dyslexic. I'm not readin' this.

- No, no! Please. Read it.
- I think you might be dyslexic.

- Read the script.
- You want me to read the script?

- Yes. And action.
- All right.

I'll read the words you wrote.
"Hello, fellow American.

"This you should vote me.

"I leave power. Good.

"Thank you. Thank you.

If you vote me, I am hot." What?

"Taxes. They'll be lower, son.

"The democratic vote for me
is right thing to do, Philadelphia.

So do."

This doesn't make any sense.

Well, then just say
whatever you want.

The battery's dead.
It's gone.

I gotta charge it up again.

This one piece is makin'me nervous.

- You seriously need to stop touching me.
- This right here.

Please stop touching me.
This is really ridiculous.

I'm stuffed in here like a jerk.

- Deandra, you look sensational.
- No, I don't.

Just remember. Let Daddy do all the talkin'.

Sorry I'm late.

- Jack Stanford.
- Frank Reynolds.

- This here is my daughter, Deandra.
- Hi.

Hi.

Well, I never like to keep
a beautiful woman waiting.

- Oh. Thanks.
- You see, uh, Mr. Stanford...

I myself am a problem solver...

and you got a big problem
on your hands.

I'm afraid I'm not following.

Check out the goods to my right.

This pretty little lady
is not only my daughter.

She happens to be your biggest opponent
in the election.

Beauty and the beast.

You're funny.

Let the men do the work here, Dee.

Now we can make
this problem go away...

before it becomes a more
expensive problem...

if you catch my... drift.

Are you trying to solicit
a bribe from me?

I don't know. Am I?

'Cause if you are...

not only is that illegal
and highly unethical...

but you're doing it
with the subtlety of a baboon.

- Let me take another approach here.
- I tell you what.

- What...
- Why don't we discuss this over dinner?

Dinner. That sounds good.

- I was talking to her.
- Look, Jack...

my little girl don't go nowhere
without her old man.

- Isn't that right, sweetie?
- You're fired.

Frank. Frankie, I gotta talk to you.

- Not interested.
- Look, man, I'm in a lot of shit here.

- So?
- I need to destroy Dennis.

What do you have in mind?

When Dennis Reynolds
was a counselor at Camp Cumberland...

he was sent home for the statutory rape
of a teenage camper.

A vote for Dennis Reynolds
is a vote for underage rape.

Dennis Reynolds... baby rapist.

Don't let him rape you, Philadelphia.

- This is a goddamn smear campaign.
- You raped a girl?

No, no. Okay. Rape?

I was accused of...
Okay, statutory, first of all.

Not... I kissed her.
She was a year younger than me.

That's not... even statutory
or anything.

What's the note say?

All right. Yeah.
All right.

Uh, "Meet"...

Starts out "Meet,"
and then there's, like, other stuff.

"Meet me in the parking garage.
Frank."

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You clearly have
a learning disability, dude.

- This is a trap.
- It's not a trap. Go see what he wants.

- It's a trap.
- It's not a trap! Make this thing go away.

Okay. I'll get the master.

- Did you come alone?
- Yeah.

Where'd you get that trench coat?

- It's cool, huh?
- It's very cool. That was a smart buy.

- All right, you got the tape?
- Affirmative.

- Okay, what's this gonna take?
- You and Dennis gotta bow out of the race.

- Not gonna happen.
- Gotta happen.

Not gonna happen.
I want that tape.

I'm gonna need you to beg.

- Don't make me beg.
- You gotta beg.

- Seriously?
- Seriously. Down. Down.

All right. I know what
you're talkin' about.

- What do you say?
- Please, can I have the tape now?

- No.
- God! Come on, Frank. What's this gonna take?

What the hell is that?

Charlie traded me
his whole collection...

of Garbage Pail Kids for the tape.

Oh, my God. This is bad.
This is so bad, man.

These things, Mac...
You don't know how rare they are.

These are rare.
You can't find these.

Bro, I am in some serious shit.
I needed him to drop out.

I don't care what you need.
That is politics, bitch.

I wanna tell you somethin'.

- I'm really glad you asked me out.
- Me too.

- How's that drink comin'?
- Strong.

I should really probably think about
gettin' something to eat.

Yeah. Still got a little left there.

Not for long.

Hey, have mine.

Oh. You're such a gentleman.

Are you gonna buy me
some food at some point? Or...

What do you say we get outta here?

- Oh.
- Who's the slut?

- Honey, this isn't what...
- Another one of your whores?

Who do you think you are... Bill Clinton?
You're a comptroller.

Did he tell you he had a wife?

- Did he tell you that, you goddamn whore?
- No.

- Whoa! Whoa! All right.
- You bitch!

Hey! Pour me a shot there,
buddy boy. I got it.

- Oh, what'd you get?
- I got the smear tape.

- Oh, hey, man. That's great.
- Yes!

Whoa. Sweet Dee.
What the hell's goin' on with you?

Screw politicians.
Charlie, pour me a shot.

No time for that. We gotta get
back out on that campaign trail.

- What do you say?
- Oh, yeah. Hey, man, I was doin' some thinking about that.

- I don't wanna do that anymore.
- What?

Oh, yeah. I googled "comptroller."

Turns out that this guy's
really just a glorified accountant.

You know what I mean? And I hate
doing math. It sounds like a ton of work.

- You know what I'm sayin'? I hate work.
- No.

These guys, they make
less than teachers. It's a...

- So what?
- So I'm not doing it anymore.

- No. You have to run.
- No, I don't.

Yeah. Yeah, you do.

- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.

No, I don't.
You're not the boss of me.

I'm the campaign manager.

You're fired.

I traded all my Garbage Pail Kids for you.

Well, that was stupid.

Bit of an overreaction,
don't you think?

You look like a whore.

- Psst. You come alone?
- Yeah.

Why couldn't we just
meet in your apartment?

- It's not safe.
- Is that Frank's trench coat?

- Yeah. Pretty sweet, right?
- Totally sweet.

Listen. I need your help.
I'm in a lot of shit.

- I'm listening.
- I need to make Dennis disappear.

Ah! Ah! That's what
I'm talkin' about.

- Really?
- I was thinkin' that same thing, man.

- That's great. I know you guys have become close.
- Not that close.

How do you wanna do this thing?

- If we use a gun, we're gonna need a silencer.
- A gun?

Fine. No guns. Piano wire.
Maybe we can use some piano wire.

Look, whatever it is...

I gotta be the guy
to pull the trigger on this thing.

Retard. I'm talking about
taking Dennis to Atlantic City...

for a couple of days
until the election is over.

What are you talkin' about?

Atlantic City. That's good.

Just take him down to the shore
for a couple days.

- I'll take him to the shore. We'll go to Atlantic City.
- What's wrong with you?

I give the guy my blood, sweat
and tears, right?

And my Garbage Pail Kids.
And...

And he just drops
right out of the race on me.

- Dennis dropped out?
- He dropped right out of the race.

So I'm out my Garbage Pail Kid...
And, like...

If we used piano wire on him for a sec...
As long as we hurt him a little bit...

Sorry, Charlie. Plan's off.

- What are you doin'?
- I'm gonna go collect my money.

Looks like you bitches
shouldn't have fired me in the first place.

Are you kiddin' me?
Are you kiddin' me with that?

I'm gonna buy myself a car. I am gonna drive
as far away from this goddamn city...

Hey, Mac.
Where you runnin' to?

Huh?

Goin' to visit your friend
over at the union?

What's goin' on?
Is there a problem?

I don't know.
Phil, is there a problem?

Conspiracy to solicit a bribe.
Racketeering.

I'd say there's a big problem.

Your buddy over at the union
came to see us recently.

Told us about
your interest in politics.

- He ratted you out, Mac.
- Apparently, you called him a nerd, Mac.

Some people don't take kindly
to that type of insult.

Yeah. You're goin' away
for a long time...

and prison can be
a very unpleasant place...

for a good-lookin'
young man like yourself.

Oh, yeah. They're gonna
tear through you like Kleenex.

That is, of course...

unless you got something
to make it worth our while.

Are you soliciting a bribe from me?

Sorry, pal. That's politics.