It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Gang Exploits a Miracle - full transcript

- Most would agree.
- I don't agree.

- Will you look at your skin?
- I am. What's the matter with it?

- It's all blotchy.
- How? I don't see it.

Dad, will you look at Sweet Dee's skin
and tell me it's not blotchy?

- Do I have to listen to this shit all morning?
- Come on.

Frank, you've gotta be kidding
with these receipts.

We were actually doing better
before you took over.

Hey! Hey! What's up, guys?
I didn't hear you guys come in.

Uh, you know, I was actually in here
early opening up this morning...

Charlie, we had an agreement.

This is a place of business,
not your home.

- Uh, yeah, I know that.
- Not supposed to sleep in the bar anymore, bro.

- I wasn't.
- You didn't come home last night.

Oh, okay, okay.
Well, guess what.

- I found some extensive water damage in the back office.
- What?

Yeah, so, maybe
I'm not such a bad guy...

for passing out in there
and drinking too much or whatever.

- That's a terrible excuse, dude.
- Well, I drank too much, so lay off.

Holy shit! Guys, come here!
Come here! Check this out!

Look!

- What?
- What?

That is the Virgin Mary.

- What?
- Oh, take it easy, bro.

No, look. The head
and the arms and the cape.

- Does look like it. Weird.
- I don't see it.

What if it's a sign?
You guys, remember, I wanted to be a priest.

- That's a water stain, dude.
- Or it could be a sign that we need to get our pipes fixed.

What if it's a miracle?

Listen. It could be a miracle.
It could be bullshit.

There's only one thing
we know for sure.

- What's that?
- It's a goddamn gold mine.

Well, I'll tell you, Jim.
I was in the back office...

and I'd just finished praying
on my rosaries.

And I was doing some crunches,
you know, working on my abs.

And that's when I saw it.

And I thought to myself...

"That is definitely
the mother of our Lord."

Did my face look fat?

- Yeah.
- No, don't-don't screw with me here.

- Seriously. It's just the TV, right?
- No, it's been looking fat.

So, if you like the Virgin Mary and you like beer,
come on down to Paddy's Pub.

- We got 'em both.
- Welcome to Paddy's Pub, home of the Blessed Mother.

- Would you care to make a donation?
- How much should I give?

Well, what price can one put on
the viewing of a miracle?

Give whatever you can.

These people are pathetic.

Yeah, Dad, I really don't feel very good
about what we're doing in here.

Well, don't get all
high-and-mighty on me.

I only made four dollars, Deandra.
I think I can live with myself.

Let's move, lady. We got a long line here.
Don't be selfish. All right. Rollin' on in.

This is one of the more ridiculous things
we have ever done, dude.

I will tell you what is ridiculous...
Taking advantage of the mother of God.

Are you kidding me?
That is a water stain, man.

We are really pushing our luck
with the big guy upstairs on this one.

Dude, if you don't think you're going to hell,
you need to take a long look at yourself.

- Go look at yourself, bro.
- Okay, I'll do that.

- Yeah, do it.
- Dee Reynolds?

Oh, wow. It is you.
Matthew Mara.

We were in physical therapy together
twice a week after school.

I was the only other person
in physical therapy with you.

- Huh.
- I wore the giant leg braces.

- Oh, my God. Yeah, with the leg braces.
- Yeah.

- Wow. You look different.
- Yeah, so do you. No more back brace, I see.

- You look wonderful. Yeah.
- Oh.

- Matty Mara?
- Hello, Mac.

I knew it! I called it from across the bar,
even without the cripple braces.

- So, what? You're a priest now?
- Wow! Look at you. Little Matty Mara all grown up, huh?

- Hey, Dennis, little Matty Mara's here.
- Hey-oh!

Hey, you come to witness
the miracle for yourself?

Miracle's a strong word, Mac.
We don't just throw that around like a football.

- Well, you should.
- Well, I just came out of curiosity.

See what you had
at this bar of yours.

- You have to admit it's her, dude.
- Well, it's quite a likeness.

- Yeah. You think it's a sign?
- No, it's a stain.

But, uh, it's an interesting stain.
I'll give you that.

- Hey, Matty.
- Hello, Dennis. How are you?

I've been better.
I've been better.

Let me ask you a question, man. I know
it's been years since we've seen each other...

but does my face look fat to you?

Well, we've all put on a few pounds
since high school, so...

Of course. Of course.
But I don't look fat though, right?

Um, no.

- What did we call you in high school?
- Rickety Cricket, dude!

That's right. Rickety Crickety Legs.

Yeah, his legs were...

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Hey, remember how you would pass out at parties...

- and Dennis would tea-bag you?
- Yeah, then I would take the photo.

We'd pass it around the school.
Everybody loved those photos, Matty.

- Hey, you still get balls-to-the-chin cracks?
- No.

Actually, that was a long time ago.

- It would be funnier as a priest.
- Oh, my God. Those...

- Those were hilarious.
- You don't understand how much everybody loved those.

- My balls on your chin.
- Everybody loved you, man.

I think people still have copies.
There's a lot floating around.

- I saw them on the Internet!
- You were, like, famous in school.

- Yeah, practically. I got a whole shoe box of those things.
- That's partially our doing.

- Well, let's... let's... I should get going, so, um...
- Okay.

Hey, hey. Check it out though.

Um, why did you pause
before you said "no" earlier?

I'm sorry?

Well, earlier when I asked you
if my face looked fat, you kind of paused.

I'm not sure.

Uh, listen, Dee, it was
great seeing you again.

- Oh, yeah. You too.
- Gentlemen.

- Cricket. - Later, Cricks.
- See you, Rickety Crickety.

- I love that guy.
- How do you know the priest?

- Went to high school with him.
- We should get him to bless the stain.

- Why?
- This could be huge, Charlie.

I mean, endorsement from
the Catholic Church.

No. No. See, you guys are
taking this thing way too far.

You know what I'm gonna do?
Wash my hands of it.

Washing my hands of
the whole situation, Lord.

He will smite you all.
God will smite you all!

Okay, uh, we should do it soon though
because the pipe might leak a little more.

The stain could fade.
You think this priest would help you guys?

- I think Dee could get him to do it.
- Yeah.

- What? Why me?
- Oh, "Why me?" she says.

The guy was in love with her.
He would do anything for her.

- No.
- All right. Remember the time you said you'd kiss him...

- if he ate a horse turd?
- He ate the whole turd.

The guy eats the whole thing.
Then she doesn't kiss him 'cause...

His breath smelled like shit.

- That's my girl.
- It didn't really happen like that.

No. He ate the whole turd,
and then she wouldn't kiss him.

- Hey, come on. This would be really good for the bar.
- No. Screw you guys. No way.

- That's a bad attitude.
- The priest may not do it because she's getting old.

- Oh! Yeah.
- What is that?

- Your skin's all blotchy.
- No, it's not.

- He's not gonna do it. You got the crow's-feet.
- Crow's-feet.

- No, I don't.
- You're getting the lines there.

Mmm. Five head. Laugh lines.

You know what?
You guys are such assholes.

I'm gonna see what I can do.

Take care. Bye.

Matthew, hi.

Dee. Wow. What a nice surprise.
What brings you here?

Well, the guys and I kind of needed somebody
to come and bless that stain in our bar.

- Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.

Dee, I'm not gonna bless
a water stain.

We don't do things like that.
The Catholic Church...

Oh, no, no, no.
I know not them.

I was hoping you could
do me a favor.

I realize you were able to get me
to do things for you in school, but...

Oh, you know what? I did. I kind of led you on
a little bit back then, didn't I?

But I wasn't always a tease, you know?

Remember? I let you do
all my math homework.

Not sure I follow your logic.

Well, what about that time
we almost kissed?

You made me eat a...

Look, I'm not blessing
the stain, okay?

- Oh, no. Hold on a second.
- I mean, the taste of that thing alone...

- No, I can't imagine.
- It haunts me.

Of course it does.
I'm sorry, okay? Forget...

Forget I came by about the stain.
I don't care about that anymore.

I just... I know you really liked me back then,
and I know I wasn't very nice to you.

And I think that's just because I was too stupid
to realize how wonderful you are.

I'm sorry.

And for the record, I think that
you grew up to be very handsome.

You do realize you're leading me on right now?
I'm a priest.

- Am I? Oh, I didn't even know.
- Yeah.

But if you wanted to grab
a drink sometime...

- You're still doing it.
- Oh, my God. I don't...

Wow, I... I think it's just 'cause
you look so handsome in...

- Please leave.
- Okay, I'm gonna go now.

- Thank you. It would be best.
- All right.

- God bless.
- Yeah.

Would you care to make a donation in
the name of Paddy's Pub to the Blessed Mother?

- Mm-mmm.
- Charlie, this needs to stop. If you guys don't do it...

- I'm gonna do it myself.
- You're telling me. I'm sick of doing this.

- God is going to show his wrath, Charlie.
- Excuse me.

Are you the young man to whom
the Holy Mother first appear?

- Yeah.
- Could you bless me, please?

- You want me to bless you?
- Please, senor.

Uh, yeah, sure, I guess.

- In the name of the Father, the Son, Holy Spirit. Amen.
- Right hand.

- Gracias.
- You're welcome.

Did you see that, dude?

I just blessed that woman.

I may have saved that poor,
wretched old person's life.

Well, I don't know
about that, but, uh...

This could be my calling, Charlie.

What happened to all that
God's wrath business, and this has to end...

Yeah, I know. Don't worry about that, dude.
I think this could actually be a good thing.

- We could change the world.
- Okay, okay. All right.

New plan, all right?
Let's go around, let's bless people.

Well, actually, I should bless people though,
but you could be my right-hand man.

- You could be my Peter.
- Oh.

Okay, I'll be your Peter.

- Dress a little nicer though,
'cause you look like shit.

Hey. How'd it go with the priest?

- Not gonna happen.
- Did you put the moves on him?

First of all, gross. I don't think
you're supposed to whore out your kids.

Second of all, that guy
is a really good person...

and I've treated him
like shit his whole life.

- For once I'm gonna do the right thing.
- He thinks you're too old, huh?

Goddamn it.
Why do I speak to you, ever?

- Hello.
- Oh, wow.

What is wrong with you?

Oh, well, I've been fasting for three days,
so I probably look good.

- You haven't eaten anything for three days?
- And I feel great.

Why the hell are you fasting?

I thought I would get in the spirit of
the religious aspect of what we got going.

- It's 'cause we said his face looks fat.
- It is not.

- People have been fasting for thousands of years...
- Face looks fat.

- For health and religious purposes. Moses...
- Fat face.

- Jesus and Moses in the woods and in the desert...
- Pretty fat, right? Fat.

- Please listen to me. Please.
- Forget it.

- Yeah.
- All right? The priest thinks Dee's too old for him.

We gotta go to plan "B."
I know another guy who could help us.

Father O'Grady? Uh...

I'm Frank Reynolds.
I was in your parish.

- What do you want?
- We came to talk to you about a stain.

No! Uh, wait a second.
We just wanna have a few words with you.

We found a stain in our bar
that resembles the Virgin Mary.

- Cats are brown now.
- What?

The cats are brown.

What in the hell is
he talking about?

This guy's perfect.
Let's go clean him up.

What are you doing?

- What is that?
- What? It's like...

- Why are you dressed like this?
- Come on. It's perfect.

- Where did you get it?
- I have my sources.

I told you to dress nice.
We look like salt and pepper shakers.

- Ah, we look good.
- All right. Let's just get started.

- Um...
- Mmm.

Ah. Uh, excuse me, sir.

- Hello. Uh, would you like a blessing?
- From who?

- Well, it was to me that the Virgin Mary first appeared.
- Well, I found it.

- What?
- Well, I'm just saying I was the one who found it.

Yes, but, uh, I was the one who first
recognized it was the Virgin Mary.

- I found it, if you want the truth.
- You thought it was a stain.

I'd much prefer a blessing from him.

- Why?
- He seems a lot more religious than you.

He is my number two
and doesn't really do the same...

- Well, maybe I could just throw you one of...
- Don't do it.

Don't do it, Charlie. Don't do it!

- Ha!
- Thanks a lot. I appreciate it.

Okay, feel better.
You're looking better already to me.

- You are completely betraying me. You're supposed to be my Peter.
- You know what, dude?

Hear me out for a second.
Now, technically, that stain did appear to me.

Also, I am familiar with carpentry
and I don't know who my father is...

so am I the messiah?

I don't know. Could be.
I'm not ruling it out.

- The messiah?
- I'm just not ruling it out, is all.

- You gotta be kidding me, dude.
- Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

I knew you were gonna ruin this.
Goddamn it.

Ooh. I really wish you
wouldn't take my name in vain.

How are we gonna get this guy
to bless anything? He's out ofhis mind.

Well, I'm hoping it's
mostly the booze talking.

Let's find some coffee.
We can sober him up.

- Did you hear me?
- Hmm?

Dennis, I think you
really gotta eat.

No, I just spaced out
for a second. What's up?

- Find some coffee. We don't have a ton of time.
- Yeah.

Here's a confession.
I'm in love with a man.

What?

I'm in love with a man...

a man called God.

Does that make me gay?
Am I gay for God?

- You betcha.
- Can I talk to you, please?

- Speaketh.
- In private.

Okay.

Well, congratulations, Jim Jones.

You found the four people on the planet
dumb enough to listen to your shit.

Oh, forgive him, Lord,
for he know not what he say.

Give it a rest. You're not the messiah.
You don't know dick about the Bible.

You know, it really sounds like
somebody in this room is jealous.

Because it's bullshit!
I'm the one that wanted to become a priest...

I'm the one that knew it was Mary,
I'm the one that should have followers.

- Sorry, bro. You suck at it.
- You wanna have a little competition?

- Like what?
- Let's go toe-to-toe on the Bible, bitch.

Ask and ye shall receive, sucker.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been 10 years since my last confession.

In the name of the Father, the Son and
the Holy Spirit, what's on your mind, my dear?

I'm in love with a man
that I can't have, Father.

And he used to love me too,
but then I was really mean to him...

and now we'll never know
what could have been.

Well, it's too late now.

He's made a commitment
that can never be broken.

Let's drop this act, Matty.
Listen, I think I have really strong feelings for you.

Dee, please don't do this.

You know what? It just seems
like some kind of cruel joke.

I mean, you wanted me once,
and now that you can have me...

And, oh, Matty, I mean you could really,
really have me.

You don't want it anymore?

Well, God has a plan for everybody.

- Well, that seems dumb.
- Well, it's not. It's God's plan.

- Yeah, well, God's plan sucks this time. You know why?
- Mmm.

- 'Cause I think I love you, Matthew.
- Don't say that, Dee.

I have to say it,
and I'm gonna tell you why.

Because if I don't say it,
I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life.

Okay, maybe that's not "God's plan"
or whatever. I don't care.

I want you to know something.
I love you.

And I... I could be your wife, and I could spend
the rest of my days making you happy.

- Dee?
- Yes. It's me.

- I know it's you. Just please, please leave.
- No, listen. Wait, wait, wait.

I don't know what God
wants for us, all right?

But I do know God
brought you into our bar...

and maybe that was just so I could say I'm sorry,
but that sounds stupid.

I don't think that's why. That's not big enough.
He works bigger than that.

Maybe his plan is for us to be together
because he did have you come to our bar. Matty?

- What?
- Open the door.

- No.
- Matty, open the door.

I love you.

- I know that.
- Okay.

- Say seven Hail Marys.
- Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

I love you.

"When the Lord saw that he had
gone over to look at the burning bush...

"God called from within.

'Moses, come no closer!
Remove your sandals, for"'...

Uh, let's stop there.
Why is God asking Moses to remove his sandals?

Well, you didn't let me finish, dude.
It's because Moses is about to walk on holy ground.

- No, actually, it's not.
- Yes, it is. That's the next line.

"Remove your sandals, for the place
where you are standing is holy ground."

But what's in between the lines?

What's in between the lines is that
he has to take off his damn sandals...

because it's sacred ground.

No! Sacred ground?
Sacred ground?

God doesn't worship the ground.
God made the ground.

And Moses is about to step near a burning bush.
That is gonna be hot.

God doesn't think Moses
is gonna do it.

"Hey, Moses, kick your shoes off.

Come on. Walk around
a burning bush"?

You know, that's like asking me
to take my shoes off and stand on a hot plate.

I'm not gonna do it...
unless God asks me to.

And then I am, just like Moses.

Why? What's gonna happen to Moses?

His feet aren't gonna get burned.

No. God is gonna reward him
with some sweet-ass shoes.

It's like,
"Oh. Oh. You risk your feet, you get some shoes."

That's the way God works,
'cause God loves us.

Trust in God, he'll give you shoes.

Are you kidding me?

You're buying this crap? You...

All right. Here we go.

- Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.
- What are you doing? Who's this?

This crazy, drunk priest...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no.

- You get a drink after you bless the stain.
- Shh!

Ooh, cats!
And they're brown!

Oh, this guy is great.
Hey, you think he'll bless me?

- Love to.
- Great. Hey!

It's okay, Frank.
Hey, everybody, gather round.

This priest here
is going to bless me.

Then after he's finished, I will honor each and
every one of you with a blessing of your own.

You can take that with you.
Okay, Father. Anytime you're ready.

The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

What is wrong with you, old man?

- Why would you bring
somebody like this into the bar?

Charlie, get the camcorder.
The father's gonna bless the stain.

Right foot, left foot.
There we go.

- Dee. Dee.
- Whoa. You are not lookin' good, huh?

Truth, truth. Face fat?

No, you idiot.
Your face is fine.

I just got mad that
you called mine blotchy.

- Oh. Why-Why-Why...
- What?

- Why you do that?
- Oh, um, because you're a bad person.

- Charlie, you got the camcorder?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, I got it.

- Oh, Mac, Mac. This endorsement's gonna put me over the top.
- Go to hell, Charlie.

Oh, these people are gonna
be eating out of my divine hands.

- These people are gonna catch on to your shit.
- Are they really? Hello.

No! No, get away from there!

- Get him away!
- Get... Back off. Oh.

- What did you do, you shithead? You ruined it!
- Yeah.

Oh! It's gone!

- Uh, no, actually, it's not gone.
- It's gone!

- The Virgin Mary has left us!
- No, she hasn't left us!

- You can see the outline.
- She abandoned us 'cause we listen to a false prophet!

- No! False pro...
- False prophet.

- That's what you are, a false prophet.
- Where are you going?

- Looks like your followers are leaving you.
- No!

Don't go. She'll come back.

She'll come back.

- Dee.
- Matthew? What are you doing here?

I thought about what you said,
and I think you're right.

I mean, in some weird way,
this was God's plan for us.

I mean, I had to become a priest
to reconnect with you...

- and I had to leave the priesthood to have you.
- Huh?

Mr. Reynolds, I'd like to ask for
your daughter's hand in marriage.

- Done.
- Okay, hold on one second.

- Bless you.
- Hold on. Did you just say that you left the priesthood?

Yes! Yes, I had to.

- Matty, wow. You should not have done that.
- What do you mean?

You gotta... You should go
and undo that right now.

- Uh, but you said...
- Yeah, I know what I said.

There were a lot of things,
and I meant all of them. I did.

But the thing is, I didn't know you were
actually gonna leave the Church...

which is why I felt safe saying
those things in the first place.

So wait. Wait. So...

S-So you don't love me?

Oh, Matty.
I think you are a great guy.

Ooh.

- My life is r... My life is ruined.
- No.

- It's... Yes, it's ruined.
- No. It's not.

What about this?
Why don't you go back to the priesthood?

I can't, okay?
L-I... I can't.

You can't just go back, Dee.
"Yeah, I wanna become a priest again." You can't.

- Okay?
- But are you sure? Did you double-check that?

- Oh, my life is ruined.
- Hmm. So...

I'm the bad person, huh?

- That's what you get for not eating.
- Hey, Cricket!

You know what would
make you feel better?

- What could possibly make me feel better?
- You wanna tea-bag Dennis?

- I'll get the camera!
- Yeah!

- Polaroid, Polaroid, Polaroid.
- Whoo!