It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–…): Season 15, Episode 1 - 2020: A Year In Review - full transcript

What if we let off
some fireworks in here, huh?

Fireworks in the bar?

It's never been done
before. Right?

That could be
kind of good, right?

You'll burn the place
to the ground.

But Charlie is right, though.
Like, we have to have

some kind of flair
for this business meeting.
Yeah.

This guy's
a huge potential investor.

He could give Paddy's
tons of money.

I know, we need pageantry.
We need, uh

Oh, dude, I just thought
of something.

What if it's not a guy?
What if it's a woman?

Ifif it's a woman,
I got flowers prepped for her.

Okay.
Oh.

And if it's a guy,
I got a football ready for him.

Nice. Okay, that's good.
No, well No.

Hold on. What if it's a guy
who hates football

but loves flowers?
Right, right, right.

Or a woman who loves football
but hates flowers?
Hates flowers.

Or a woman who was assigned

male gender at birth

but has retained her
traditional love of the game?
Yes.

Which she has the right to do.

That is her right...
Of course, it's 2021...
That's fine. Yeah.

Here's the bottom line,
you guys: it's 2021,

all bets are off, okay?

Uh, the chances
of this person walking in...

and being your typical vanilla
white guy are slim to none.

Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
Uh, mymy name's Gary.

I'm here to speak to the owners
of Paddy's Pub.

Uh Oh.
Oh, thank sweet Jesus.

All right!
Gary.
This is a relief.

Gary.

It is so good to see you.

This I can wrap my head around.

Uh, Gary,
we're gonna set up over here.

All right. Yeah.
We'll take care of you.

We got together,
we got you a little gift here,

a token of our appreciation,
and, uh from the pub.

Yeah, that's from us
to you, so...
Yeah, from us to you. Uh...

Oh, uh, thank you.

All right. That's a relief.

All right, well, now that we all
know that we see eye to eye,

let's talk about you
giving us that PPP loan, huh?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Uh,
there must be some confusion.

I'm not here to hand out
PPP loans.

I'm here to collect on ones
you already have.

Um, in fact, as I believe,
it's three separate loans,

so I'll just need to know, uh,
what you did with the money

and what the business has
been up to for the past year.

Uhhuh.
Yep.
Oh.

♪ ♪

Gary, we saw 2020 as a year
to, um, well, I don't know,

capitalize on our many
various interests.

Yeah, we got a lot of 'em,
you know?
Hey, when the world

says slow, we say go.
That's right.

Or strike. Or attack.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, see, normally,

we're running a thriving bar
here, you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah. But, uh, COVID forced us

to close our doors
to the community, so...

Yeah.
What were we gonna do?
We had to branch out.

That's what we did.
So why don't we just, uh,

talk about the first loan,
which is "Punch Incorporated"?

Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That was,
uh, that was Mac and I.

So why don't we, uh...? Okay.
Yeah.

That's a cool name, isn't it?

It's a very, uh,
aggressive name.
It's very cool.

As an outofwork bouncer,
I was looking to pursue

my other interests that would be
as intellectually stimulating

as choking out a jabroni and
leaving him out in the street.

Like my longtime dream
of becoming

an international country
teen pop sensation.

♪ Girl, you give me feels
when I see them heels ♪

♪ Let's ride on a horse,
making love out in the fields ♪

♪ Out in the fields ♪

♪ Let me be your guy ♪

♪ Never mind them flies ♪

♪ Just get
on the horse and... ♪
Uh, wait, wait.

Holdhold on a second, wh
All right, man, look,

thethe music is starting
to come together.

II like the music, but I'mI'm
struggling with the lyrics.

What's wrong with the lyrics?
It's the fly thing.

Well, horses have flies.
That makes sense.

Yeah, but the lyric is,
"Let me be your guy,

never mind them flies."

It feels like I'm asking her
to forget the flies

that are surrounding me,
not the horse.

♪ Never mind them thighs. ♪

ThThighs? Where What?
Why thighs?
Yeah. Yeah.

Whose thighs?
Yeah, well, maybe he's got
thick, grotesque thighs

and he's embarrassed about 'em.
Look...

There's a bigger problem, man.
Can I be honest with you?

I'm having trouble concentrating
on any of this stuff,

because I can't stop
thinking about the election.
The election.

The election. Yes. Oh, my God.
Yes. Ah

Yes. II was, like,
right there with you.

II can't focus on any of our...

The integrity of the election,
right? Because II...
Yes. Yes.

Our democracy is at stake.
Yeah.

I feel like things aren't
going well with the election

andand we need
to get involved.
Mmhmm.

You know, we were
concerned that our guy

wasn't gonna get
a fair shot in the election.

Of course not,
because he's an outsider

that brings a fresh perspective

to Washington. Right?

Right.
I mean, we

not everybody likes him,
but that's why we do.

Yeah, and we were really worried
that the mainstream media

just wasn't
taking him seriously.

It's like, do I want
a bunch of eggheads

who spend all day
learning about shit

influencing how I think
about things? No.

No, no. Plus, you want a guy
who's lived a little, right?

You want a guy
who knows how to party.

And our guy knows
how to party. Right?

Yeah.
Our guy parties.

Anyway, it was obvious
that the integrity

of the election
was at stake here.

So that's why
we wanted to make sure

that things went smoothly
at the polling place.

Right.
Hence, we created
Punch Incorporated.

So, we used the loan
to buy tactical gear.

Oh. Look at this one,
with the New York hat.

She got bussed in
from that liberal hellscape?

All right, let's go find out.

Let's talk to her.
Excuse me, ma'am?
Ma'am?

Ma'am, yes. Hi.
Ma'am.

Ma'am.
Are you, uh,
registered to vote here?

Ma'am?
Are you from Philly?

Huh?
Yeah, and we don't want to see

any of that bogus
fake I. D. bullshit.
Yeah.

We're gonna ask you a series
of Phillyrelated questions

in no particular order.
Mmhmm.

Why do we hate Chris Chelios?

Who is Uncle Eddie Savitz?

Who is a better athlete,
Donovan McNabb or Rocky Balboa?

Where is...?
Hey Whoa.
Well, hold on a second.

I mean, that's too easy.
McNabb, obviously.

I...
Well, I don't think
it's that obvious.

I mean, do you think
Donovan McNabb

could go toetotoe
with Ivan Drago for 15 rounds?

Uh, no, what I'm saying
is that Rocky Balboa

is a fictional character, so
this isn't even a conversation.

Are you Are you saying
you want Sly Stallone

to be the starting QB
for the Eagles next season?

How do you think
that's gonna go?
Well, what year is it?

Is it early 1980s? 'Cause
the NFC East was not strong,

and I say that Sly
takes us to the playoffs.

Sly Stallone is just
a meatball actor.

Then why do we make statues
to him?

We don't Okay, hold on a sec.

Wait, just... You're crazy.

Okay, the guy is fivefootnine,
okay, to start with

And by the way,
that's a celebrity listing.

He's probably closer
to fivefootfour.

So was Doug Flutie.
You saying he's an actor?

No, I'm say...
He's one of the greatest

football players
that Canada ever produced.

Soso, I'm sorry,
now you're comparing McNabb

to a teenytiny little man

who's, uh, named
after a woodwind instrument?

What are we even
talking about, man?
Hey, what's up, Brian?

Good to see you again.
Brian.

What's going on?
YYou want us to, um...

You want us back
at the hundred feet?

He wants us back
at the hundred feet.

We're gonna be less effective
back there, but...

The problem is,
back there, we can't...

we can't keep a Yeah.
Okay. All right.

We'll go back to the hundred.
Let'slet's We're gonna...

Hey, you want to go
grab you a coffee?

We got
We'll grab him a coffee.
We'll grab you a coffee,

and then we'll be back, but...
Thanks for keeping things safe.

We'll stay a little bit
further away.
We'll keep things safe.

Suffice to say, our arguing

did not help the situation.

Yeah, it turns out they had
their own security there

to keep things safe, and
they just kicked us right out.

Anyway, the point is,

the country was in turmoil,
okay? Tensions were high,

so Mac and I decided to pivot to
a less controversial approach.

Yeah, we went
with gaining exposure

for our budding
musical interests

as well as providing people
with an opportunity

to vote on another
pressing matter.
Mmhmm.

♪ Freedom is the choice
you have ♪

♪ Is it Rocky or McNabb? ♪

♪ Cast your vote
and make it clear ♪

♪ Place your voting choice
in here ♪

♪ Place your voting
choice in here ♪

♪ Place your voting choice
in here ♪

♪ Place your voting choice
right up in here ♪

♪ Right here. ♪

:
Pop your votes

right in that box there, folks.

If you want them votes
to count.
That's right.

Now, uh, let's, uh, let's take
it one more time from the top

before Brian Security gets here.

Yep. Let's do it. Here we go.
Yep.

:
Now, the labeling...
in hindsight,

was aa bit obtuse and created
aa great deal of confusion.

It kind of backed up
the whole system.

Right. Yeah, there was
a whole kerfuffle

I don't know
if you remember this

about, like, what votes
were supposed to be counted

and what votes
aren't gonna be counted.

And are these legitimate votes,
are these not legitimate votes?

What's this, what's that?

I mean, we put our boxes
all over the damn place.

So, you know, we created a mess.

I'm sorry, let me, let me
try to get this straight.

So you're saying that you might
be partially responsible

for the voting count delays
in the presidential election?

Uh, no, no, I'm saying we might
have been entirely responsible,

uh, for the vote delays, but
whawhat I'm also saying is that

we were two American businessmen
who took out a legitimate loan

for a legitimate business.

Uh, well, now
that we've got that settled,

uh, I'll tell you what,

why don't, um,
why don't we play you

a couple of our original songs,

loosely based
on the chord progressions

of Emerson, Lake & Palmer?
Mmm.

NNo.
Yes.

No. I think we should just...
Yes.

Actually, let's just
keep moving on

toto the next loan,
if that's okay.

Uh, so, uh,
"Frank's Imports and Exports."

Oh, that's this guy.
I'm gonna get a beer.
Boom.

Go. What do you want to know?

Uh, what were you importing?

Inks, grease, paste.

Sludges in general.

Sludges, I see. All right.

And, uh, what were
you exporting?

Hair dye.

Frank, I'm worried
about you, man.

You're hitting it
way too hard, pal.

I was going hard.

When society hits the brakes,
I hit the gas, baby.

:
Society break, I got gas.

What? If you have gas,
take it out in the hall, okay?

Also, I need another bucket.
I'm out of paint here.

Where...
I got no more buckets.

Look, I shouldn't even
be doing this, man.

Uh, y It looks terrible.

You should get this done in,
like, a salon or something.

Salons are closed.

I got to go, got to go,
got to go, got to go.

Got to go? Where you going?
Yeah, I got to go.

That's only half
You look crazy, dude.

Where you going?
I'm out.

What... Well,
take a mask, will you?

I mean, you got one?
I got Yes, I got a mask.

You got to wear it,
though, Frank.
It's on. I got it on.

Yeah, but you got
to cover your nose, dude.

You got to...

Why does nobody old
know how to wear a mask?

I was sick of staying inside.

So I went to my favorite
bookstore to clear my head.

Fortunately, my favorite
bookstore never closes,

and they never judge
their customers.

Oh, hey, you got to wear a mask.

I got a mask.

Oh, I didn't see it.
Right.

You're good.
Thank you.

So I grabbed a few titles

and I went in the back
to do some light reading.

There I was,
staring at my idols,

Peter North, T. T. Boy,
the late, great D. J. Ram.

And that's when I noticed it.

The bad dye job.
Who had I become?

I was letting the pandemic
get the best of me.

It had taken my manhood.

Well, I went home

and immediately
did something about it.

After I popped off.

I got right to work on creating
the perfect hair dye.

Shoe polish, India ink,

permanent marker.

I tried 'em all.

Until I finally hit pay dirt.

Whoa.

Chinese motor oil.

Bingo.
Bingo.

For the first time
in a long time,

I felt like somebody again.

I couldn't let this opportunity
go to waste.

I opened a chair.

I became the most soughtafter
underground hair stylist

for likeminded older men
yearning

for a sense of community
during the pandemic.

I had my PPP loan,
and business was booming.

♪ Ooh, a storm is threatening ♪

♪ My very life today ♪

♪ If I don't get some shelter ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah,
I'm gonna fade away ♪

♪ War, children ♪

♪ It's just a shot away,
it's just a shot away ♪

♪ War, children ♪

♪ It's just a shot away,
it's just a shot away... ♪

Then one day,
this guy comes in.

Not even the usual clientele.

Didn't even look
at the magazines.

Said he just needed
a place to cool off.

Next thing you know,
he's in my chair.

We talked about the election,

and our mutual disdain
for insider Beltway politics.

He wasn't from the neighborhood.

Said he was in from New York,
doing some business

at a fancy hotel
down the street.

He said his boss
was a very connected man

who needed a situation fixed.

And this poor bastard was
in the eye of the shitstorm.

I did him up real nice.

Little did I know,
my work was about to be

in the national spotlight,

on the head of America's mayor,

Rudolph William Giuliani.

I was proud of how my work
stood up in the spotlight.

He became my biggest client.

Funny thing about
the spotlight, though,

sometimes it burns too bright.

And that was the moment I knew
it was coming to an end.

It was my own fault.
I got sloppy.

Started cutting corners,
using American motor oil.

And to top it off,
my guy didn't win the election.

The whole thing was a fiasco.

II blame myself.

Wait, y so you're saying
that the hair dye

that's dripping down your face

is the same dye
used by Rudolph Giuliani

during the presidential
election?

Yeah.

Okay. Let's just move on
to the next loan.

Um, a clothing line.
Something called

"Garments and Varmints"?

Yo! That's us. Yeah.
Yep. Yeah.

Yeah, ththe name's
a little confusing,

'cause it did end up
being mostly costumes.

Yeah, yeah, but it's not
really confusing, you know,

because varmints definitely
played, like, a key role in it.

So it's not confusing.
Oh, it's confusing.

It's incredibly confusing.
I'm sorry.

But we can go on.
Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, I am confused.

Well, of course,
you're confused, Gary.

That's 'cause
you're not a moron.

All right, let me explain
what happened here, all right?

We've been on top of each other
for a long time.
Yeah.

We bubbled together
during the pandemic

because, well, we're both
essential workers at the bar.

Yeah, yeah. Charlie and I,
we're the last tit on the hog

before the asshole.

I am so sorry for my partner's
blue language.

Itit does not represent
our business,

and it's extremely offputting.
It was just a joke.

Just stop. Okay.

The point is, we were
pretty deep in the pandemic

when we, uh,
we got a pretty good idea.

We were gonna sell masks.

The world needed masks,
and once our loan came in,

we got all kinds of materials.

Only, there was one problem.

Bam. Check that one out.

What the hell is that?
That's a mask.

Yeah, of Ronald Reagan, but...

Ronald Reagan? That's Dennis.

That's not Dennis?
Whether it's Dennis
or Ronald Reagan,

iit's not gonna stop
the spread of COVID.

Stop COVID?

Well, we don't need any more
of those kind of masks.

Everybody's making those masks.

Well, theythey're trying,
right?

But, see, my angle is,
mine are funny.

Look at this.

"Fauch the Grouch."

Right?

Fau That's a great name.
Who is that?
I know.

"Fauch."

Okay, how about this one?

"Mama needs wine."

Right? And this is funny

'cause women are
alcoholics who hate their kids.

Yeah, yeah.
But I you're, like,

you're missing
the big picture here, Dee.

Right? 'Cause, dude...
What do you mean?

...the real money is in the
Halloween costume space.

Think about it, man. Everyone's
been stuck together at home,

they're all worried and shit.

They're gonna want
to come together

at the end of next year,
so, like,

Halloween store owners,
they're gonna be, like,

some of the richest people
in America, Dee.

We're not gonna do that.
We're not gonna do

Let's just do
the medical mask thing.

Uh, number one, it's easier,
and number two,

it actually makes sense. Right?
Okay. All right.

Well, fine,
we'll try your thing.
Logical.

Okay, fine.
Okay.

Anyway, we made
the stupid masks,

but the next challenge
was marketing them.

Sweetie, if you're not gonna
help me homeschool these kids,

can you please
at least do the dishes?

I need to drink wine.

I know you do,
but, honey, I got you a gift.

You did? What?

A custommade mask.

Are you looking
to party this Halloween?

Are you sick of being jerked
around by the fat cats

in the Halloween industry?

Then we've got the fix for you.
Garments and Varmints.

And now it's all starting
to make sense, right?

WhWhat? No.

It makes less sense
than it did in the beginning.

You're telling it wrong.
Gary gets it.

No, II don't get it.
Point is,

for reasons we would find out

much later, we did end up
getting a rather sizable order

for costumes from one group.

Yeah, uhhuh, and these guys
were out of state, right,

and they wanted them
really fast.
We were in a rush.

So we were stressed out.

Now, luckily, I was pretty handy
with the old girl,

so we were able to fill out
most of the order.

Although we were
running out of material.

Okay, what else do we need?
What?

What else do we need?
Uh, uh, pelts.

Get more pelts.
What pelts?

The pelts! The pelts, you bitch!

Pelts for what?
Oh, you bitch.

You insufferable bitch.

I d Am I supposed
to even know what that means?

Animal pelts!
What are we doing
with animal pelts?

I can't sew without the pelts!

Get the pelts, you bitch!

Yeah, now, normally,

I don't call Dee a bitch.

That's sort of Dennis's thing.

Dee's a goddamn bitch!
Yeah. Uh,

but, you know, her vulgar
language was rubbing off on me,

you know, which wasn't
a good look for the business.

The pelts that Charlie's
referring to,

they're from raccoons
that he was tanning

in the basement of this bar.

Yeah, well, you see,

the pandemic
had kind of disrupted

the bar's natural ecosystem.

There was a real uptick
in raccoons,

which consider
rat brains a delicacy,

which ofof course you know,
Gary,

and now it's all starting
to make sense.
It doesn't make sense.

At least now he understands
why we called the business

Garments and Varmints.
He doesn't care what we call

the business.
I believe that the man does!

I'm taking over the whole story!

Okay?
Please go ahead.

It took us three hours,
but we finally arrived

at the place where we were
gonna meet the customer.

Gentlemen.
You got the stuff?

Absolutely. Give me one minute.
Hey.

Digging that face paint.
Very festive.

What are you
gentlemen celebrating?

We're protesting
the election.
Yeah!

Okay, well,
I can get behind that,

'cause our guy
did not get a fair shake.

Oh.
The whole thing is a sham.

Yeah, our guy got screwed, man.
Sham.

Okay, so there's the costumes.

I'm especially proud of the
stitching on the animal skins.

That was all Charlie.
You know what I'd like to do?

Uh, I'd love to throw in
this cool hat for free.

I think it really completes
the look.

Let's see.
You know? Let's see it there.

Oh, shit. He's right.
Yeah.

Thanks, brother.

Now let's go save this country!

All right.

Uh, they all seemed
pretty amped up.

But we were, too. I mean,
people have been dragging

our guy's name through the mud,
saying he wasn't fit for office.

Yeah, calling him a narcissist,
saying he was mentally ill,

and that all the people
who showed up

for his events were idiots.
Yeah, but that's 'cause

they've never seen
the guy onstage.

I mean, he's electrifying
onstage.
Yeah.

All right, I'm sorry, let me...
try to make sense of this.

You're telling me that you
provided the iconic costumes

at the Capitol riots?

Yeah.
Yep.

Can't say they weren't
good costumes, Gary.

They were great costumes.
Isn't that something?
Isn't that something?

Well, uh, listen,
now that we've cleared up

all those previous loans, uh,
we would like to talk to you

about giving us a new loan
for Paddy's Pub. Okay...

Oh my G What was that?
Oh, sorr

Firework. Almost got you, pal.

Sorry about that.

Fire.
Oh!

Huh? What?

Shit, I see it. All right.

Uh, I got it. I got it.

I got it. Sorry, everyone.
All right.

Uh, sorry about that, everybody.

Probably shouldn't have
done that in the bar.

Oh, is that right?
Yeah, I'm sorry, guys.

Yeah. All right, well...
I was trying to get

a little fanfare
for thethe loan.

It was prett
It was kind of cool.

Um, so, hey, listen, um,

listen, we really do believe
that with a major cash infusion,

we could turn this bar
into something...
No, no, no.

...even more successful
than it already...
No, no, no. Stop.

II have heard enough.

You people have
shamelessly gamed the system

out of massive amounts
of taxpayer dollars

for fictitious businesses
that have gone bankrupt,

and still you have the nerve
to ask for more money?

Well, that's what makes America

the greatest country
in the world.

When you're in need,
the government comes in

and bails you out.
Nothing made me more money

than businesses
I sent into bankruptcy.

Yes Yeah, yeah.
That's the American way.

That's as American
as it gets right there.

That's right, and maybe
if our guy had won,

our businesses could succeed
just like his.

They would've been huge hits.
Oh, absolutely.

Yeah.
I think so.

No, no, no, II No...

None of these idiotic businesses
would have been successful

whether Trump had won or lost.

Huh?
Okay.
Trump?

Yeah. I'm sorry...
Yeah, whwhy are you talking
about Trump?

Where'd you get that?
Yeah, how are you
getting to that?

Uh, "Washington outsider,
not taken seriously

"by the liberal media,
successful businessman,

unsuccessful in love,
electrifying onstage."

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's our guy.

Yeah, yeah, that's him.
Absolutely. Yeah.

That's Kanye. Kanye West.
Kanye West.

He's our guy.
Have you seen him onstage?

Yeah.

Wait, Kanye West?

You all voted for Kanye West?

Oh, absolutely.
Damn right.
100%, pal.

You've seen him onstage?
All the way.
Yeah, man.

He's the best. He's the best.

No. I do not believe you.

I do not believe any of you.
None of this happened.

There is no way
that you were all involved

in every major event
of the past year.

WhWhy?
Why?

Because you're not Forrest Gump!

You'll be hearing from the IRS.

Okay.
I don't... I don't like him.

I don't think he's gonna
give us the loan.

I don't think we're gonna get
the loan, either.
No.

You know what we should do?
Let's listen to some Kanye West.

Ow!
That's what we should do.

That's gonna bring
the mood back up.

We all should be listening
to Kanye West.

♪ She give me money ♪
♪ Now, I ain't sayin'
she a gold digger ♪

♪ When I'm in need ♪
♪ But she ain't messin'
with no broke, broke ♪

♪ Now, I ain't sayin'
she a gold digger ♪

♪ When I'm in need ♪
♪ But she ain't messin'
with no broke, broke ♪

♪ I got to leave ♪
♪ Get down girl, go 'head,
get down ♪

♪ I got to leave ♪
♪ Get down, girl,
go 'head, get down ♪

♪ I got to leave ♪
♪ Get down, girl, go 'head,
get down ♪

♪ I got to leave ♪
♪ Get down, girl, go 'head... ♪

Stop the count! Stop the count!

♪ With a baby Louis Vuitton
under her underarm ♪

♪ She said,
"I can tell you rock ♪

♪ "I can tell by your charm ♪

♪ "Far as girls,
you got a flock ♪

♪ I can tell by your charm
and your arm" ♪

♪ But I'm lookin' for the one,
have you seen her? ♪

♪ My psychic told me
she'll have a ... like Serena ♪

♪ Trina, Jennifer Lopez,
four kids ♪

♪ And I got to take
all they bad ... to ShowBiz? ♪

♪ Okay, get your kids, but then
they got their friends ♪

♪ I pulled up in the Benz,
they all got up in ♪

♪ We all went to din
and then I had to pay ♪

♪ If you ... with this girl,
then you better be paid ♪

♪ You know why?
It take too much to touch her ♪

♪ From what I heard,
she got a baby by Busta ♪

♪ My best friend said
she used to ... with Usher ♪

♪ I don't care what none of
y'all say, I still love her ♪

♪ Now, I ain't sayin'
she a gold digger... ♪